Original subtitles

Eddie, the forks go on left.

- on the left? - right.

Oh, on the right.

Well, that makes sense. We're all right-handed.

No, genius. When I said right, I meant left was right.

Great news, everyone.

I stopped on the way home and Bought us a pizza for dinner.

Thank goodness. We can eat with our hands.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* we're gonna fill our house With happiness *

* the moon may cry *

* we're gonna smother The blues with tenderness *

* as days go by *

* there's room for you *

* room for me *

* for gentle hearts An opportunity *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family *

Grandma.

Grandma.

Grandma.

Anything for me?

Grandma.

Grandma.

Grandma.

This one Looks important.

That must be for me.

Grandma.

Oh, this is From barbara bush.

You know Barbara bush?

Sure, but I haven't heard From them since they moved.

Here's one For you, dad.

Thank you.

Oh, terrific. A water bill.

Here's one for aunt rachel. Should I give it to her?

Let me give it to her. Makes me feel important.

Hey, rachel, You got a letter.

It's from Sci-fi magazine.

I sent them A short story.

I don't believe it.

You haven't even Read her story.

Not her story, The water bill.

Did we get a swimming pool And nobody told me?

Look at that.

It is a little high.

A little high?

They don't use This much water At sea world.

This is terrible.

They rejected my story.

Oh, rachel, I'm sorry.

I guess this is been a tough day For both of us, huh?

Great news, dad.

I'm all finished Washing the car.

You washed the car?

With water?

Why did you do that?

Because you Told me to?

That was two weeks ago When we could afford it.

I don't believe this.

I do something good, And I'm in trouble.

Big trouble. And from now on,

Ask me before you do something I told you to do.

I'm sorry They rejected your story.

It was a great idea.

It was about this trucker Who has a whole lot of tattoos.

Then one day he notices His tattoos are changing.

Finally, he realizes They're not tattoos At all,

But aliens with Really low self-esteem.

Uh-huh.

I'm doing a stephen king Sort of thing.

Let me tell you where You're going wrong.

Shouldn't be wasting Your time writing about Truckers and tattoos.

Gotta be writing about things You know about.

Carl!

Carl!

Now, don't panic.

The water Will just be off Four hours a day.

Now I know we can all live With that,

And think of the money We'll be saving.

I know how to save a lot More money--nobody eats.

I'll turn it Right back on.

- hi, aunt rachel. - hi, baby.

How was school?

I can get a's in my sleep.

The public-school system Is geared for kids like eddie.

- how's the story coming? - it's not.

I keep getting A lot of ideas

But none of them Amount to anything.

I'm sort of blocked.

Alright, I want everyone In this house

In the living room, Right now on the double.

Uh-oh.

It's aquaman.

Alright.

Who did it?

Who left the sprinkler On all day?

The front yard Looks like a rice paddy.

Don't look at me. I don't do outside work.

I didn't do it.

Not me.

I haven't done anything. I'm blocked.

Well, who could it be?

Hi, everybody.

Edward.

Son.

Did you turn on The sprinkler today?

Yeah, dad, I turned it on This morning.

And without even Being asked.

But you forgot To turn it off.

I got you there, dad. You didn't tell me That part.

Edward, the human body Is 65% water.

If we come up short, You're the first to go.

Carl, you're getting Out of hand With this water thing.

Out of hand?

I have to rent scuba gear To get the evening paper.

From now on, nobody uses a drop Of water in this house

Without written permission From me.

Oh, no!

What are you Talking about?

I wonder If george and barbara Have an extra room.

I work too hard!

I only make $355 a week!

Aunt rachel, You want something To write about?

Write about This family.

People love Stories about Domestic violence.

And another thing...

Mama, we are doing good.

We're doing real good.

I've been checking The meter now every day For the past two weeks,

And water consumption Is finally under control.

Good.

Now maybe I can Firm up my waterbed.

I'm really getting sick of this. I want some of that mail.

Okay. Here. Take this.

This is junk mail.

Hey, you're new In this profession.

You've got to start At the bottom.

I was born At the bottom.

Here you go. Grandma...

* ...Right foot in Put your right foot out *

* you put your Right foot... *

Come on, baby.

This is a top-of-the-line Teething ring.

He hates this thing.

You're doing it all wrong.

Excuse me. It didn't come With instructions.

Watch and learn.

Dip it in a little Apple sauce,

And then... Here you go, sweetie.

Oh, sure. Anybody Can do it that way.

Mail call For aunt rachel.

That's for dinner.

Sorry.

It's from the magazine I sent my new short story to.

Open it. Open it.

What did they say? What did they say?

I sold my story! I sold it! I sold it!

You sold it. You sold it.

Am I going to get A chance to read it?

I didn't want you To see until I knew it was good.

But I'm going out and make Copies for everyone. Will you watch little richie?

Sure, no problem. Oh, good.

Oh, by the way, He needs changing. Thanks.

Laura, get down here!

The baby needs changing.

So, what did you think Of my story?

Rachel, this story Is about us.

No, it's not. I made it up.

You made it up?

This story is About a woman who moves in With her sister's family.

The father's a cop. The mother works At a newspaper.

And they live in a house With their three kids And a grandmother.

Okay. I know that sounds Like this family.

I just used you As a jumping-off point.

I don't think You jumped far enough.

You make me seem pushy. I'm not pushy.

Yeah. Hush up, carl!

I want you to take me Out of the story.

Mother winslow.

You make me seem Like a cheapskate.

Got that part right.

Why are you guys so upset? She made me seem like

Some kind of smart-mouth Know-it-all.

Come on, guys, it's just' a Little story for a magazine.

I doubt if anyone we know Will even read it.

What about me? You said I whine. I don't whine!

Honey, it's not About you.

Way to go, rachel.

Come on, guys. I made it up. Really.

Hasn't anyone noticed The family's Nothing like us?

They have cable.

Aunt rachel, I loved your story.

Finally, someone Who knows it's fiction.

What fiction? You captured The real me--

A guy who's Great with the babes.

That is the only part That is fiction.

Oh, yeah?

Don't be hittin' nobody on the Head!

You're crazy enough As it is.

Harriette, you haven't Said a word.

You're A reasonable person.

What did you think Of my story?

You want to know What I think About this story?

Maybe not.

Rachel, I think this story Is about you and me,

How you see me As overbearing Big sister

Who's always Pushing you around.

It's nice to finally know How you really feel.

Harriette, it's just A little story.

Well, your words speak Louder than your words.

What does that mean?

I don't know. I'm fired up.

Harriette, come on.

So you see, mother winslow? That's the way we writers do it.

Oh.

We take Somebody we know

And use them as a model For a fictional character.

Uh-huh.

Like hemingway-- He used his friends In his stories.

I met hemingway In cuba once--

All sizzle And no steak.

Rachel, I convinced harriette To talk to you.

You're gonna have To do the rest.

Thanks, carl.

Excuse me, Mother winslow.

I'll be praying For you, honey.

Okay. Harriette,

I know that you two Can straighten out This misunderstanding.

So just go right ahead.

Straighten out The misunderstanding.

Right out.

Harriette, I'm really Sorry this upset you.

But I was just trying to do What you told me--

Write about What I know.

See? Let's all go out And get ice cream.

I just want to ask One thing, rachel.

Did you mean all that stuff You wrote about me?

It's not you, harriette.

Henrietta is A fictional character.

See? Let's go get That ice cream. Come on.

So you don't think I try To control your life Like that sister in the story?

Well, not all the time.

What do you mean, Not all the time?

Well, sometimes you do Try to control my life.

When? Name one time!

Hah! I could name 100.

You tell me how to dress, How to do my make-up.

And you even gave me A lecture

On how to give my baby A teething ring.

You know that really Made my hair Stand on end.

Well, it'd be a lot better than The way you're wearing it now.

You know, I don't think I put enough of you in my story.

I may do a novel!

How would you like To do it in traction?

Did they make up?

Well, they were close.

Real close.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, you look bad.

I know.

Where are you going? You smell like you Gargled with aqua velva.

I'm going over To linda fontana's house To ask her out.

You'd better go back Upstairs first.

'cause you forgot Your brain.

Linda fontana is the prettiest Girl in your school.

There's no way She's gonna go out with you.

Rachel's story taught me A lot about women.

I figure linda's waiting For a real man to come along,

One who's Not intimidated By her beauty,

And that's me...

Edward "Stud" winslow.

How much Of that cologne Did you swallow?

So, have you made up With rachel yet?

Well, I guess not.

Rachel!

You're just In time for lunch.

Carl, would you please Tell harriette

I'll be eating lunch In my room?

Carl, please tell rachel, If she's eating there,

She better Call for pizza

Because my food's Not leaving this kitchen.

Carl, would you tell harriette That that's just fine with me?

But--but...

Mom, if judy And I fight,

Can I have pizza In my room, too?

Just a thought.

Harriette...

How can You still be upset At rachel's story?

All the rest of us Have forgiven her.

Carl, she didn't do A number on you.

You were just A tightwad And a blow-hard.

She thinks I'm A terrible sister.

All these years, I thought I was helping out.

But all the time She's being seeing me As some tyrant

Who's been trying To control her life.

You know What I think?

Both of you have let this Thing get way out of hand.

And it's now time To talk it out.

I don't want To talk to her.

Honey,

Look, I know you're Hurting right now,

But you wouldn't be Hurting if you didn't Love her so much.

I don't know How two people

Who love each other the way you And rachel do

Can let this Come between you.

And I know that Neither one of you

Are gonna be happy Until you work it out.

Now come on, honey.

Work it out.

I don't want to Work it out.

Hi, aunt rachel.

Hi, baby.

Want some?

No, thanks.

I guess you and mom Still aren't talking, huh.

You know this is just about Our worst fight ever.

Hey, don't let it Get you down.

I know what it's Like being a sister.

Judy and I Fight all the time.

Yeah?

Do you say really Awful things to her?

Sure.

Being a middle child Has to have some perks.

But I don't really mean What things I say.

I'd never tell her this, But I love the kid.

Anyone seen my Bratty kathy doll?

Beat it, you little rug rat!

See?

I wasn't really Trying to hit her.

She has to learn To knock Before she enters.

I think you should go Apologize right now.

I will.

You think I want to ruin Our relationship?

See, that's The important thing.

No matter What happens Between sisters,

You don't Let it ruin The relationship.

Well, I think She got the message.

How did I do?

You were great. Your timing was perfect.

I don't know how mom And aunt rachel

Ever got through life Without us without us?

Harriette, We've got to talk.

I'm listening.

I am so sorry I wrote that story.

I never meant To hurt you.

It's not about The story anymore.

I'm sorry for everything Else I said, too.

So you don't think I push you around

And try to control Your life?

Okay. I don't Feel that way.

You do, too.

Okay. I do feel that way.

I don't know What you want me to say.

I want you To tell me the truth.

Fine. Sometimes I feel Like you push me around.

No, I don't.

I just Give you advice.

Harriette,

You may mean it As advice,

But it comes across Like giving orders.

It's like you don't respect me

Or like you think I'm not capable Of thinking for myself.

That is not true. Yes, it is.

Ever since we were little girls, You've talked to me that way.

But I have nothing but Respect for you, rachel.

The type of person You are,

Your values, Your ability as a writer,

Those are the things I always admired about you.

Really?

Yeah, and if I boss you Around sometimes,

It's only because I care about you

And want only The best for you.

Well...

You always have Been strong and dependable,

Just like A second mom.

Only younger.

Well, I can see you don't Need me as a mother

You need me As a sister.

Oh, that would be fine.

From now on when We're having a problem,

I want you to tell me About it face to face

Instead of putting it In a national magazine.

Fair enough.

And I want you to let me know If I'm getting pushy.

Okay. I will.

Whenever I'm pushy, I want you to say--

Harriette, You're being pushy.

Boy! It sneaks up On you, doesn't it?

So are we Friends now?

Sure. Ooh! I missed you So much.

I missed you, too.

Oh, I knew you guys Would work it out.

Mmm. Boy, I'm glad That's over.

All I can say is I'm glad that story

Didn't cause Any more trouble Than it did.

Edward!

Wh--what happened To you?

I went over to linda fontana's House to ask her out.

And she beat you up?

Gee, whatever happened To girls just saying no?

It wasn't her.

It was Her boyfriend...

Bubba.

Aunt rachel, Next time you write a story,

Leave me out of it, please.

Son, come on.

I think it's time We had a little talk

About women And guys named bubba.

Wow! What did you do? Take a bath in cologne?

Whew!