All language subtitles for episode_9_barbados_-_busted_and_pregnant

What are you going to do?

Do you go ahead or do you stop?

I knew time was running out.

It was stifling like I couldn't breathe.

I got a feeling it wasn't going to be
good.

Although I was pregnant, there still was
no turning back.

I was brought up by my mum in the area
of South East London.

Things might have been hard growing up,
but we always had the best of what we

could have.

We was always brought up understanding
that nothing in life came free.

I wanted better for myself and started
studying for my qualifications in

childcare.

I gave up when I found out I was
pregnant to become a full -time mother.

I was 18.

I was in a relationship with Mark, my
child's father, for around a

year. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute,
put your hand there.

Little monkey.

The pregnancy wasn't planned.

Very unexpected.

Take care.

During this time, I'd just got my first
place.

It was one of those estates. You don't
go out after dark. Too many drug

I was finding it pretty hard and
upsetting not to be able to give the

standards that I wanted.

Hello, darling.

What are you doing?

Maggie was someone I'd met, just an
acquaintance, really.

Always very well presented.

Hair done, make -up done.

Loads and loads of gold.

Loads. How long you got?

Three months, I think.

The place where she lived was kitted out
to the nines. Look at this.

So smooth.

She had just had a fitted kitchen.

The whole decor of the house looked like
I'd stepped into a movie star's home.

Nice, innit?

She's well nice.

I would put my flat in comparison of a
cardboard box to where Maggie's was.

Have you been all right?

We sat down, just had a cup of tea, had
a little chat, basically, just catching

up. And I've been away.

Been on a little run.

What do you mean?

Drugs.

I was shot.

Drugs.

She didn't come across as that type of
person.

She just seemed like one of those mums
that just go out, work, do good for

kids. And that's how you got all this?

That's the fault they are, innit?

She asked if I would be interested.

We would basically go on holiday and
return with the drugs.

Do you think you could get for little
one with that?

I was tempted, yes.

It was kind of calculated.

You know, catch someone at their lowest
and they're bound to say, yeah, come on,

let's give it a try.

The minus side was the baby. I didn't
want to be going away, like,

I mean, say the worst did happen, I
wouldn't have had anyone there with

me why I actually gave birth.

Was everyone on the way?

I just didn't want to do it.

I don't really think I could do it. I
don't want to do it.

I basically told her that I wasn't
interested.

That was the last I heard.

I see Maggie, I think it was a couple of
days after she had came back.

Mag?

Hey. I mean, she was out shopping,
spending up loads of money, so it does

you think twice.

The next few months passed kind of
quickly.

I had Jack and Christmas was coming.

So have you got your name?

Have I got what?

The money.

Times was really hard. You haven't given
me money since last month.

I've gave you every penny I've got.

If Mark had been more supportive...
Leave me alone.

..things might have been easier.

It was a pretty damn Christmas. I felt
kind of depressed.

Could have basically said that I had
cancelled Christmas.

I didn't.

fulfil Christmas as a mother.

So it was hard for me.

It's Meg, darling. How are you?

Long time no speak.

I next heard from Maggie, I think it was
a couple of days after Christmas, put

me on the edge of my seat.

Am I going to get another offer?

That thing I talked to you about last
year.

I'm going on another run.

Right. I was told that I would be
paid... £10 ,000.

£10 ,000.

£10 ,000?

For the actual carrying of the drug. A
further £500 for spending money. All

expenses paid, darling. A whole two
weeks in Barbados.

Are you asking me on?

How hard could it be?

I've done it 12 times.

She mentioned that she had done it 12
times to sort of make me feel a bit more

at ease. How could I possibly get
caught?

I need to think about it because you
just find out the blue and... I wasn't

to make a decision right there and then.
I was told that I could go away and

think about it for a couple of days.

All that kept going through my head
was...

The life that I'd be able to make for
myself.

I'd never been apart from Jack. But you
keep it in mind that it's two weeks.

Two weeks of a lifetime ain't nothing.

How much can you really miss out on in
two weeks?

It felt different now I wasn't pregnant.

Hi, Meg.

Yes, Zara.

I said that that's me, I'm going this
time.

I was dreading speaking to my mum
because I knew... Anna? Yeah, you?

..that she would be upset.

You make it going Barbados?

What are you talking about? We're all
going to bring back some stuff.

I was trying to persuade her by telling
her that... I'm going to earn 10 grand.

..the money side of things. I'm going to
have the baby. I'm going to go and get

some fun.

You're off your head. Is that all you
think about?

She didn't want me to go. She kept
telling me... No, yeah, no. ..you're not

going. Please, you haven't brought this
through. I have.

I've made my decision. There wasn't
anything my mum or anyone else could

that was going to change my mind.

Come back here!

Sarah!

Looking back now, I wish I'd listened.

We came through to the main airport.

How long are you staying for?

Two weeks.

Everything seemed so laid back and
relaxed.

I honestly thought to myself, well,
that's why it's so easy to get back

Welcome to Barbados and enjoy your stay.

That's it, we're here.

We're in sunny old Barbados.

6 o 'clock in the morning, but yet the
sun's shining and it's so hot outside.

People are setting up their stores and
going about their daily business.

Maggie had said, just to relax, take
things easy, we would collect the drugs

carry them on the day that we was meant
to return.

It really was like a genuine holiday.

First time I see the sea, I was
absolutely amazed.

The waters were so blue and clear.

You could see all the little silver fish
floating at the bottom.

The beaches were so much like paradise,
it was unbelievable.

I was in my own bubble, really.

I miss Jack all through my holiday.

Surely you can't forget me after two
weeks.

Hello!

Hi, Mum, it's me.

I bring hope just to make sure that my
mum and Jack will be all right.

Yeah, it's a good holiday, yeah?

Cheers, darling.

Halfway through the holiday, we were in
the hotel and we received a phone call.

Hello?

Yeah. It was from the guys that would
have been delivering the drugs for us to

depart with.

We were told to meet them to arrange the
rest of the money to pay for

the hotel.

Come on.

I think I was too lost in the excitement
of the actual holiday to be aware of

what was actually going on.

We got a taxi cab to this little play
area.

We arrived first, and I think two
minutes behind us, they were there.

I didn't know what they would be like. I
had my own vision of drug dealers.

Stay there.

I was frightened to be at such close
contact with them at this point.

Everything alright?

They knew Maggie from previous trips.

Their money was handed over.

They would be in touch more towards the
end of the trip to organise us

booking into another hotel and to
receive the cocaine.

I remember her telling me that
everything's going to be all right. I

everything could be all right.

Just sort of blocked it from my mind.

When the time comes, that's when I'll
think about it, sort of thing.

Hello?

Three or four days before we were due to
fly home, Mark had phoned.

Yeah. We planned on having another baby,
but I wasn't expecting it.

When he asked me, are you late?

It took a moment for what the question
meant to sink in. You're late.

It sort of sent a thousand questions
running through my mind.

If it comes back and shows that you're
pregnant, what are you going to do?

Do you go ahead or do you stop and go
home?

I had no idea at all that there was any
chance I was pregnant when I left.

Just didn't cross my mind to even think
about it.

It does say to leave it for five
minutes, but it didn't take the five

minutes.

Seeing two pink lines on it was a really
big shock.

I'd done the one thing that I didn't
want to do, and that was to put a baby

that situation as well.

Well, you are then, eh?

The thought crossed my mind to just give
up.

call it a day and come home. How do you
feel?

Like I don't want to do this.

But it was always niggling in my mind
about not being able to pay back the

that I had cost the drug dealers.

Be fine.

That me and my family would then be
sitting ducks.

Nothing's going to happen.

And though I was pregnant, there still
was no turning back.

The morning when I woke up I was very
anxious knowing that this is it.

A phone call would come and we would be
asked to get a taxi to another

hotel to receive the drugs.

I never mentioned anything.

Maggie never mentioned anything. It was
right on top of us,

just waiting for the phone call.

I was very anxious.

It was more of a worry that something
was going to go wrong.

I was told to get a taxi to the middle
of nowhere.

When I started feeling a little bit more
nervous, Maggie turned to me and she

said, don't worry, everything's going to
be all right. Remember, I've been here

and done it before.

We would go there and find him like we
was renting a room and meet the dealer.

Time wasn't moving.

Like we was on a standstill and they
weren't coming.

It would have been better if they hadn't
have turned up.

When the demons was there, it was all
made so real.

Coming with like a duffel bag.

I don't think I was expecting something
so big.

Maggie stepped up and went into the
bathroom.

While she was in there, I noticed a
Bible.

I was asking, Father God, please, you
just let me go through this once.

let me come through and make it home
safely to my kids

he came out and he just beckoned me with

his hand

the

drugs were sitting on top of the toilet
seat i was shocked when i see how much

there was because i didn't think that I
would be carrying back so much.

I contemplated telling the guy that was
dropping the drugs that I was pregnant.

But I knew it wouldn't make more
difference to them.

It was like I could hear my conscience
talking to me, telling

me, you're so stupid.

You can see it.

It's not invisible.

It's just nuts because it's here now.
Your time's, like, ready. You're ready

go home. But I've had those feelings
before.

And something's always gone wrong.

Can't see anything.

The guy that had strapped me told me
just to walk up and down like I would in

the airport.

Perfect.

Can't see anything.

The guy said to me, keep your head high.
Don't let them see that you feel

nervous.

When I got into the cab, I find it quite
difficult to sit down.

It was really awkward trying to get into
the car.

I remember looking out the window in the
taxi and I was thinking, just, thank

God I'm going home, this is the end.

It felt like we'd been driving for
hours.

I was sure that the ride from the
airport didn't take this long.

Just the feeling, just the vibe that
went through my body, I knew that it

going to have a happy ending.

I remember looking out of the window as
we pulled up and I could see people in

various uniforms.

I just thought...

that there was police everywhere.
Everyone was watching every single move

made. And I weren't even going to make
it inside the airport. I just had these

visions of stepping out of the cabin.

They'd be there.

I knew then that there was no looking
back.

As I walked into the airport, it was
like... The toilets were, like,

illuminated.

It was like the toilet was calling me to
go over and just take it off.

But then the desk was calling me to
check my bags in so that I could go

The toilets were the fantasies.

They were sellotape so tight, there was
no way I could have took it off with my

bare hands at all.

Just sort of go to the desk and just do
what you've got to do.

I honestly thought that we was behaving
normally.

Inside, my brain was screaming down to
my legs just to start running as fast

as they could.

I was very conscious that the drugs were
there, feeling that it was slipping,

that I could feel it coming down my
legs. Before I know it, it's going to be

round my calf and everyone's going to be
able to see it.

I believed that the check -in was where
all the danger was.

Good afternoon.

Where are you travelling to today?

Come back to UK.

Okay, may I have your passports and
travel documents, please?

I was expecting her to ask, have you got
anything?

Are you hiding anything?

And did you pack your bags yourself
today?

Yes.

It was stifling, like I couldn't
breathe.

And it's Dara Whitaker and Margaret
Dixon.

Put your bags up, please.

Thank you.

Here are your passports and boarding
passes.

I was like, wow, that's it, it's done.

Thank you, have a safe flight. Thank
you.

This is it, I've done it.

Maggie's right, she's been right all
along.

There's nothing to it. We're on our way
home.

I just thought, that plane's waiting for
me. Next couple of hours and that

plane's boarding and I'm going to be the
first person on it.

We got from the checkout desk maybe
five, six steps away, and

I see these two guys.

It felt really frightening, but I wasn't
sure whether that was my nerves. Maybe

something was wrong.

All of a sudden, they were just there in
front of me.

Where's your boarding pass? Where's your
passport?

Passport and boarding pass.

You've got your boarding passes.

He asked us if we had any luggage that
we had checked in.

Do you mind going by with us to the
counter?

The suitcases were still sitting there.

They hadn't gone down the conveyor belt
to be put onto the plane. They'd been

taken off and just left there.

I knew something was seriously wrong.

It was a physical, sick feeling.

Had we just been caught?

We took the cases and he told us to
follow him over to the customs area.

Do you have anything to declare?

No. No?

Did you pack your own bag?

Yes. Put the bag in the car. They were
going to do a search on the luggage.

There was nothing in there.

I knew I had nothing to worry about.

Do what you want to do, get on with it
and just let us get home without missing

our flight.

They're clean.

Huh? They're clean.

When they didn't find nothing, I felt at
stake. I thought, yes, I really have

done it. They really don't know that
I've got anything.

I was already sitting on the plane and
the plane had already taken off.

And he looked back at the lady and said,
I want a full body search.

Full body search.

It was like my stomach fell out and hit
the floor. I knew then that I had no

chance. I knew that I'd totally been
caught.

He asked us both... You're sure you have
nothing to declare?

And we both said no.

If I sit here and I don't show no
emotion, then I say, no, I ain't got

He might believe me and just go away.

They come for Maggie first.

They took her into a room and it was
like she was in there for hours.

But it was 10, 15 minutes.

Everything just flashed before you.

From when I was ready to fly out to
Barbados and everyone was begging me not

go, then it started going through my
mind that... You're not going on to see

baby. You're not going to see your mum.

There was nothing I could do or say that
was going to magically disappear.

That was it.

I think I'd just given up by then.

Maggie was brought out of the room.

We looked at each other as she'd come
out of the room in one of those, like...

Disbelief looked that it had actually
happened.

The lady made me take the dress off.

And as soon as I took that off, the
drugs were basically visible.

It was like it was the best thing that
had ever happened to them in Barbados.

They cut the packages off with a
standing knife

and collected them all together.

Ten pounds.

It came up that I had ten pounds.

They opened the package to make sure
that it was what they believed it was.

I was wishing they would put the powder
in the liquid and it wouldn't change

colour, it would stay white.

I sort of looked at the poster.

looked at the tube and noticed that they
was pretty much the same colour and

knew that what I had was cocaine.

My life had just been ripped away from
me.

I was thinking about Jack.

I was thinking about the new baby.

It was just everything, my mum, the
disappointment, and

just the way that they would feel that
I'd basically let them down.

While I was sitting there, I see the
Virgin Atlantic 525

plane run down.

the runway and take off and i knew that
i should have been on that plane i could

have been home and i just wasn't i just

we

were put into separate cars

and taken to a police station for
questioning.

It felt like it was about 3 o 'clock in
the morning, but in reality it was not

even 6 o 'clock in the evening.

I was thinking, stupid, stupid things
that, if I could get away,

just run away somewhere and hide.

You know none of it's possible.

So you just sort of sit there and ride
it out and just wait until what happens,

happens.

Maggie.

Maggie just asked me if I was okay.

I don't really know how I feel at the
moment.

Just numb.

I feel the day.

I'm so afraid.

All she kept saying was that she was
sorry.

Hurry ain't going to change anything at
the minute.

Things did flip over in my mind.

Yeah, she's been 12 times.

Maybe they'd been watching Maggie from
before.

There were times when you thought, I'm
sure I've seen him.

I'm sure they was eating at the
restaurant when we was eating there.

have been being watched from when we
first landed?

Or even before?

The first night in the cells was
horrible, filthy, boiling hot to the

where it was stifling and you felt like
you was going to pass out.

They were watching us like I was a freak
show.

I was thinking a lot of Jack and my mum
and if they'd even heard.

Knowing that you've left the baby at
home is enough.

But then to actually find that you're
pregnant as well, it's really hard.

What about the fine?

It's 250 ,000 marmite dollars, about 90
,000 pounds.

I was asked if there was anybody that
could pay my fine.

If I had £90 ,000, do you seriously
think I'd be sitting here carrying drugs

just ten?

He just sort of looked down at his book
and carried on writing.

OK.

Didn't acknowledge what I'd said at all.

I'd received a five -year sentence.

It was like my life had just been thrown
away in front of me.

I wouldn't see any of my family.

It was very daunting. It was a large,
1900s -style

building.

The officer just said,

being given a prison number, It's like
having your whole

identity taken away from you. You're not
a person anymore.

You're just a number on somebody's
books.

I was getting really anxious and
agitated. I hadn't had no contact

with my family at all.

Seeing that phone that I could use was
like someone handing me a pot of gold at

that time.

I started crying before the phone
started ringing.

As I knew that this was it, I was
finally going to get a chance to talk to

everyone.

I just couldn't get anything out apart
from how sorry I was and I just wanted

them to forgive me.

The first word she said to me was just
to be strong.

Don't let Jack forget me, please, Mum.

I asked about Jack, how he was, and she
said that he's fine.

It wasn't...

Only me that was hurting by being away,
I was hurting them at the same time.

Over the sentence, me and Maggie started
to grow a

distance. It was...

Like, she was just somebody else that
was there.

It really sunk in then that I was on my
own.

One morning, I'd received some photos
from home.

They was brought in by an officer.

Are you the pregnant English girl?

As she handed me the envelope, she said
to me...

You don't deserve the child you have at
home, let alone the one that you're

carrying now.

Everyone around me hated me for the
situation that I'd put the baby in.

She was the only one that was actually
brave enough to come out and say

something.

The next few months in prison passed
quickly.

Living with the same routine day in and
day out.

Don't keep me there.

I always used to talk to him, tell him
that he was going to be a special little

boy.

I would be allowed to keep him with me
for three months.

After the three months was up, if one of
my family members couldn't come to

collect the baby, he would go into
the...

care of the government.

During me being pregnant, I received a
phone call from my

mum. What's the matter?

Mark had gone off with somebody else.

What do you mean?

He wasn't waiting for me anymore.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I just broke
down.

I can't do this. I cannot do this right
now. I've got to go.

I was in that situation and carrying his
child and he'd just gone and left me

like that.

It was like I was carrying this part of
Mark that wasn't wanted, wasn't loved

and sort of made me resent the baby as
well.

I was thinking...

of asking my mum to come over, basically
take him straight from birth.

A couple of days after, I woke up and
remembered the baby not

moving throughout the night.

I was taken to the hospital.

When the doctor revealed that I was
already halfway through my labour, I was

rushed on to the maternity ward.

Not having a familiar person with me
when I went to have the baby really

in.

I was on my own.

Just keep breathing.

The warder from the...

Prison arrived.

The lower it was her, I was imagining my
mum being there and giving me the

support and go -ahead that I needed.

I didn't believe that I would have the
strength to pull through.

When I first see the baby, the love and
warmth that I felt for him just filled

my heart straight away.

The anger that I felt because of his
father totally subsided as soon as I see

him.

A question that I ask myself is how can
anyone bring a baby into the world and

not love them?

I wanted to be able to keep him, but
then in the next breath, I didn't want

have to take him back to the prison.

He's going to live in a prison cell for
something that he never done.

I felt really guilty.

The time that I had with a baby within
the prison was like a special time,

really. I just focused all my attention
on making sure that everything was OK.

I absolutely doted on him every single
thing he'd done.

I wanted him to be used to who I was.

It was arranged that my mum would be
coming to collect the baby.

I knew it was going to be really tough
for the baby to leave.

I knew time was running out.

I woke up on the morning that my mum was
meant to be arriving.

I had started collecting the baby's
things together and started getting them

packed up, just preparing physically and
mentally for what was to come.

Time just went so fast, it was like I
didn't get a last minute with him.

It was really hard to know.

that the next feed that he received
wouldn't be from me.

And when he had a nap, he wouldn't wake
up and see me.

I don't think we stopped hugging for
most of the visit.

All I could tell her was how sorry I
was.

She just told me that it was all right,
that I'd made my mistake, but she

forgave me and she was there to support
me.

He's lovely.

Oh, he is lovely and he can't wait to
get hold of him.

All I kept asking was that my mum
wouldn't let the

children forget me.

I kissed him and told him that I loved
him and I was going to miss him.

And I hugged my mum and just repeated
again not to let them forget me.

Watching my mum live with a baby was,
I'd say, the worst part

of my whole sentence.

That made me sit up and realise what I'd
actually done, the consequences

that I'd brought on not only myself, but
my family.

It really did feel that I'd just lost

everything, like I wasn't worthy of what
I had had before, that everything had

just been snatched away from me in a
second and now I was left there to

face the world alone.

When I When I first went into prison I
was 19.

When I was released from prison I was
23.

When I pulled up outside where my mum
was living, the anxiety of

seeing everyone again really kicked in.

I didn't believe that the children would
register who I was.

The first voices I heard were the
children as they come running towards

front door, all open, arms ready to be
picked up, shouting, Mummy, Mummy,

Mummy's home.

Just made me feel amazing.

I don't think I've ever had a broader
smile on my face They

weren't babies no more They were big
boys

now

The

feeling of missing

The years that I did with the kids is
really, really hard. I know that I could

never replace what I'd taken away from
them.

I can't believe that I was so stupid and
immature as to

put myself in that situation, believing
that there were no consequences and that

everything was going to be all right.

I know that I can afford to give my
children what they need and if

it is something that's a little
expensive, put a couple of quid aside

and before you know it, you'll have the
money there for it.

All they need is love.

Don't miss the new series of Banged Up
Abroad every Wednesday at 9 on Nat Geo

Channel 526, part of Wednesday's Most
Wanted season.

There are more details at natgeotv .com.