Original subtitles

["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing]

? My words are lazy ? ? My thoughts are hazy ?

? But this is one thing ? ? I'm sure of ?

? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ?

? I'm happy I'm yours ?

[???]

Blaire: Is there someone present in this house?

Is there a spirit here?

John [laughs]: Oh.

-I just wanna point out you got

a fuckin' talkin' teddy bear here.

A ghost ain't that big a deal.

-Shh. Quiet.

Will you answer our questions?

-How many times a day does Johnny jerk off?

-Fuck you, man.

-Eighty-seven?

-Oh, hang on, he's heading for the zero.

-All right, fuck this. This is bullshit.

-He said, storming off to masturbate.

-Whoa. Hey, Blaire, what's all that?

-Oh, just some booze

for my birthday party tomorrow night.

-That's a lot of alcohol.

-Yeah, well, you know, college crowd.

-Hey, Blaire, do you think maybe me and Teddy

could steal a couple beers?

-Oh, yeah!

-Ha! Hilarious.

No. -Oh, come on.

We'll wait until Mom and Dad are asleep to drink 'em.

And-- And we'll do it all in our room so no one will know.

-The ghosts will know.

-The ghosts have seen my asshole.

Why do I care if they see me drink a beer?

-Wait. Why'd you show 'em your asshole?

-They asked.

Sometimes I use the board when you guys aren't around.

[???]

all [singing]: ? Happy birthday to you ?

-Happy birthday, Blaire.

Blow out your candles.

-Oh, for God's sakes, do you have to do this

every fuckin' year?

-It's his birthday too, damn it.

-I'm sorry, Blaire.

Matty insisted. -[Blaire sighs]

-You have the same birthday as Reagan?

-Yes, and I don't need

to be constantly fucking reminded of it.

-Hey, watch your mouth.

You're talking about the greatest fuckin' president

this country's ever had.

-That doesn't mean you need to leave

an empty seat for him every year.

Like he's fuckin' Elijah the prophet.

-It's like the ghost is sitting there.

-What ghost?

-Blaire has a Ouija board,

and we were talking to a ghost,

and it watches Johnny jerk off

and he showed it his butthole.

-Blaire, I don't like having

a Ouija board in this house.

We're churchgoing people.

-Okay, listen, thank you so much for the cake.

Really, I-- I do appreciate it.

I'll have some of it later, but right now,

me and Sarah are gonna go up and get ready for the party.

-Okay. -Just keep the noise down, huh?

-Oh, come on, Matty. It's her birthday.

-Hey, hey. Don't sit. That's for Reagan!

That-- That's for Reagan.

? Murderer ?

? I'm the lyrical gangster ?

? Murderer ?

[all chattering]

? Still love you like that ?

? Murderer ?

[indistinct chatter]

-? Yes, we mul-ti-ply ? -Happy birthday.

[music continues faintly]

-Oh, man, these chicks are so hot.

Oh, God.

Ted: Shouldn't her vagina be starting?

-Huh? -She's pulling way down there.

It should be starting. There's nothing there.

-Oh, yeah. Look at that.

-I'm gonna write a letter to these bums.

[clears throat]

Dear Sports Illustrated,

the woman on page 64 has no vagina.

You have got some nerve.

I have drawn a sketch to indicate

what I feel we are owed.

Sincerely, Jason Bateman.

-Oh, man. This sucks.

I'm 17 years old.

It's Friday night, and there's beer in my house

and I can't get to it.

-Hey, you know, I could probably go get some.

-How? -Well, that room's

probably packed with people.

Nobody's gonna notice a guy my size

slippin' in and slippin' out.

-You really think you can do it?

-Does Magic Johnson have AIDS?

-What the fuck? -What?

-What the fuck kind of response is that?

-What? I'm saying yes. -Then just say yes.

-I did. -No, you didn't.

You said, "Does Magic Johnson have AIDS?"

-I never said that. -You literally just said it.

-Okay, I did, but you laughed.

-No, I didn't.

-I feel like we're growing apart.

-[music continues playing] -[party crowd cheering]

-Jesus Christ, would you listen to that?

Sounds like they're having a goddamn or-gee.

-I think it's pronounced "orjy."

-No, no, you're thinking of "orijami."

-What's that?

-That's that-- that thing where the Japanese

fuck around with paper.

Keep it down!

-Oh, they're just havin' fun.

Remember when we were her age? Matty: No.

-We'd go to parties. -Yeah, that was different.

We-- We were doing the Twist.

These degenerates are doing the Lambada.

-Oh. Matt--

-It's forbidden, Susan.

-We were young and passionate.

Do you ever miss it? Even just a little?

-No.

-Matty. -What?

-Do you love me?

-What the hell kinda question is that, Susan?

Of course I do.

-It's just...

I never know what you're feeling anymore.

-I feel fine.

-But you like your life with me?

-Yeah.

-It's okay to share your feelings.

-Jesus Christ, Susan,

I'm ju-- I'm just trying to read here.

[???]

-Are your stools any better? -Fuckin' awful.

Just piles of eyebrows for three days.

-Oh, I'm sorry. -You know what?

I'm gonna try and coax one out right now.

[???]

[door closes]

-[inhales sharply] Matty: Oh.

Oh, Christ. Susan.

Call the doctor. Ask why diarrhea would be white.

[???]

-Um, so, what did your parents say?

-Um...

nothing. I di-- I didn't tell them.

-Are you fucking kidding me?

Sarah, we-- we talked about this.

-I know, I know. I'm sorry.

-This was the only thing I wanted for my birthday.

-Blaire, they're just not ready, okay?

We'd be saving ourselves.

-[laughs] You are such a hypocrite.

You-- You sat in that bed right there

and gave me shit for not telling Matty and Susan.

-Well, maybe I was fucking wrong.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea.

-No, no. It was.

And I did it.

And, yeah, it was fuckin' hard as shit,

but I did it.

And eventually they understood.

And so will your parents. Sarah: No. It's different.

Blaire: That's so not fair.

-Blaire, I'm just protecting us.

-No, I don't need your fucking protection, okay?

I put myself out there in front of my family for you,

and I deserve that same respect.

-It's not the right time.

[???]

-Fuck you then.

-Excuse me?

-I'm-- I'm sorry. -No. It's fine.

I'll see you later.

-No. Sarah, wait.

Sarah: Happy birthday.

[???]

-Fuck!

[exhales sharply]

-Ah, fuck.

Hey.

You okay? -The fuck are you doing here?

-I'm a pot-smoking teddy bear

who was told he couldn't have beer,

so I'm stealing beer.

-Whatever.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

-You, uh, you want one?

-Thanks.

[indistinct chatter]

? Rollin' down the street ? ? Smokin' indo ?

? Sippin' on gin and juice ?

? Laid back with my mind ? ? On my money ?

It's like she thinks the rules are different for her

than they are for me.

-Totally. -You know what I mean?

It's like I took shit from a talking dump truck for her.

-Yup. -You know, I almost alienated

my whole family because I loved her.

And now, now she wants to play it safe

that it's fucking flipped.

-Love is a two-way street,

and she doesn't-- she doesn't get that.

-Exactly. I mean, what the fuck?

-Love is a battlefield.

-Yes. -Right.

-Holy shit. Wait, who the fuck--

Who thought of that? Did you--

-I did. -Did you think of that?

-I write poetry on the side.

We are young, and no one can tell us we're wrong.

-Jesus. -[bottle clanging]

That's-- That's fuckin' word art, man.

-Listen, you gotta do... -What?

-...what you think is the rightsest for you.

And if she knows what she's got, then she's got to get in it.

-Yes. -'Cau-- 'Cause you're cool.

-Oh, fuck you. You're cool.

-Listen, you listen to your pal Ted

'cause he's got your back.

[???]

[Blaire sniffs]

-Am I lesbian now?

-Okay, I'm going to bed.

-Me, too.

[???]

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

-Oh!

[retching, coughing]

[snoring continues]

-Ted! -[snoring]

-Ted! -[snorts]

[gagging, retching]

-[coughs] Ah, Jesus.

[gasping]

-I kissed you.

-Yeah. -I was drunk.

-Yeah. -My head was all fucked up.

-Yeah.

-Please forget this ever happened

till the day you die.

-Oh, thank God,

I thought you were gonna make me marry you.

Hey, you got a shirt? It's kinda cold this morning.

-[sighs] Yeah.

Uh, also, I borrowed

a pair of shoes and a handbag from Aunt Suse.

Could you take 'em and bring 'em back to her?

-Sure.

Don't be humiliated. You can do this.

You are a strong, independent--

-Ted?

Ted: Oh, hey, Mrs. Fechko.

-Are you okay?

-Yeah, I-I'm fine, thank you.

-Well, you look like a whore!

[door closes]

[door opens]

-Where the hell have you been?

-Oh, I don't wanna talk right now.

I just wanna sleep.

-I waited up all night for you.

-Look, could we please just--

-We were supposed to drink beer.

You never came back with the beer.

-Things got, uh, out of hand.

-Oh, what things?

And why do you got lipstick

all over your face?

Did you hook up with somebody?

-I-- I fucked Mrs. Fechko.

-What? -I fucked Mrs. Fechko.

Okay? Are you happy.

-You fucked Mrs. Fechko?

-She invited me in 'cause she had

way too much potato salad, and she was panicking.

Next thing I know, she's taking her teeth out.

-No way. -Johnny, I swear.

-Okay. Well, how was it?

-Oh, she was amazing. Nothing was off the table.

Arabian Goggles, Dirty Trombone, Rusty Trombone.

There were so many trombones, I thought I was

in the Glenn Miller Orchestra.

-Holy shit. That's amazing.

-Does she have a friend? -Huh?

-Like, for me. Like, maybe we could double date.

-Oh, yeah. John, you don't want to, uh--

-Teddy, I have struck out with every girl in school.

But maybe there's somebody out there who's older, sure,

but lonely, just like me.

And I could give her my heart.

And she could school me in the ancient art

of making whoopee.

-You sure?

-Teddy,

society may not see older women

as useful or sexy or even human,

but John Bennett does.

John Bennett's not afraid to rub your back with BENGAY.

-Yeah, John Bennett's not afraid to blow his load

on a bowl of butterscotch candy.

-John Bennett's not afraid to finger-bang you

while you watch The People's Court.

-John Bennett's not afraid to hear your moans of pleasure

and/or arthritic pain.

-John Bennett's not afraid to talk dirty

twice as loud as my normal speaking voice.

-John Bennett's not afraid to do the same role play

for five days in a row

'cause you keep forgettin' we did it already.

-John Bennett's not afraid to fuck you

while staring at a black and white photograph

of your son who died in the war.

-Okay. Yeah, that's the one.

[bottles clanking]

[sighs]

-Blaire, wh-what's all this?

-You can take this out with the trash.

I'm never drinking again.

-Matty, did you notice

your bacon and eggs were shaped like a smiley face?

-Yup. [sighs]

-Do you like it?

-Susan, I don't need my breakfast to be having

a better day than I am.

All right, I gotta go to the hardware store.

-All right.

[???]

-You were, for a while then, during your 20s

and your single days or when you were younger,

you were easy, as we would have said.

woman: Younger than that, actually.

That was the problem. -[knocking on door]

-In your teenage years. -Yeah, yeah.

-Just-- So you would walk into a crowded room

and head right for the guy that would make you the...

-Who is it? Blaire: It's me.

Phil Donahue: ... grab him with both hands.

woman: Or he'd grab me-- Donahue: Right.

-[sighs] Donahue: In any event, this was

a neurotic satisfaction that you were...

[TV chatter continues indistinctly]

woman: Yes, it wasn't so much a neurotic satisfaction...

-Hey.

-Hi.

-Can I come in?

woman: I couldn't do what, quote,

other girls could do.

I couldn't sit there

and keep my mouth closed,

not give my opinion

and be a-- -[TV shuts off]

[door closes]

-Listen.

I'm sorry about last night.

I didn't mean for things to get so nasty.

[sighs]

-Me neither.

-And I'm sorry about the fuck you.

-It's okay.

I slept on it...

and I understand why you were upset.

I-- I guess I was using sort of a double standard.

I don't know, I guess

I just didn't want to deal with the stress.

But that wasn't fair to you.

And I do apologize.

-Yeah. Um--

So, there's one more thing

I need to tell you about last night.

-What?

-I, uh--

I made out with someone.

-Who? Kathleen?

-No. -Steven?

-No. -Who?

-Ted.

-Oh, my God. -I was wasted.

It just happened. -What the fuck?

What the actual fuck? Are you fucking kidding me?

-It didn't mean anything-- -What kind of fucked-up

West Virginia shit is that?

-I'm so sorry. -Oh, my God.

And to think you gave your uncle shit

for jacking off a dog.

-Hold on. -No!

Fuck you! Get out! -Sarah.

-We're done.

-What do you mean? -I mean, we're done.

For real.

[???]

[door creaks]

man [on TV]: It is that you're a savings and loan officer.

-[Blaire sniffles] man: Watch.

One, two, three. See?

You've got it all, and we've got nothing.

And you have all four... -Blaire?

-But I wouldn't trust you with...

-What's wrong?

-Nothing.

-But you're crying.

-I just really don't want to talk about it, Aunt Suse.

-You want me-- You want me

to make you the cakes?

The little cakes.

-What? -Cupcakes!

The cupcakes. That's what they are.

-No, I'm-- I'm okay.

-Oh.

-Sarah and I, we-- we broke up.

-Oh.

Oh, Blaire, I'm so sorry.

-It's all right. I just wanna be alone.

-But you can talk to Susan.

? Dr. Susan's in the house ?

? Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ? ? Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ?

-Are you drunk?

-No!

No, I would never.

I-- I just had a little bit

of, um, wine from your box.

Shh.

Everybody deserves a little wine now and then,

don't you think?

-I guess.

-Blaire, what are Goonies?

-What?

-I heard people talking

about Goonies.

-Aunt Suse, I just really want

to be by myself.

-Oh, okay. I, uh-- I understand.

Blaire: Okay. -Okay, sweetheart.

I'm gonna be thinking the thoughts about you.

-Okay? -Okay.

Okay.

Dr. Susan...

is in the house.

She's like...

[mumbles]

[???]

-[sighs] All right.

Oh, wow, there she is. -Huh?

-Mrs. Fechko.

God, buddy, you were right.

I don't know how I didn't see it before,

but she's got this, like, raw,

sexual animal magnetism to her.

Go ask her.

-About-- About what?

-About a friend for me.

-[sighs deeply] Okay.

Hey, uh, Mrs. Fechko. Hi, there.

-Hi. Ted: Mrs. Fechko.

May I call you Rebecca?

-My name is Gert.

-Oh, that's-- that's beautiful, as well.

Listen, I have a decent proposal for you.

My friend John and I--

-The Down syndrome boy?

-He doesn't have Down syndrome.

-Are you sure? -Yes.

-I think he does.

-Well, be that as it may, he and I would like to take you

and one of your friends out to a restaurant of your choosing.

-Why?

-I got-- gotta be honest here, I thought you'd just say yes.

Uh, because-- because we have lived

across from you all these years,

and I gotta believe there's more to Gert Fechko

than just yelling about how we need a stop sign here.

-We do! People come zooming by at all hours!

-And paranoia about the Chinese.

-They're taking over the town! They even have their own bank!

-You see, the truth is,

John could use an old-fashioned lesson

in manners and such. -How come?

-Because everyone in your generation is brilliant,

while everyone today is a dumb piece of shit.

-That's all I wanted to hear. I'll call my friend Mildred.

-Terrific. -Dinner, 11:00 a.m. sharp.

-We'll be there.

[???]

-Matty. Matty: God damn it!

-What's the matter?

-I fuckin' sneezed while I was pissing.

Got in my fuckin' eye.

-Uh, there's a clean pair of pants

right there in the drawer.

-Great.

-Hi.

You wanna horse around?

-What?

-Johnny's in the front yard.

He can't hear us.

-It's day.

-Even better,

we can see each other's bodies.

-I got piss in my eyes, Susan.

-Oh, I don't mind.

Let's dance.

-[sniffs] Is that wine? -Yeah.

I just had a little bit of wine.

-What are you doing? -? Don't you remember ?

? You told me ? ? You loved me, baby? ?

-Susan, stop it.

-? Baby, baby, baby, baby ?

? Oh, baby ? -What are you doing?

For fuck's sake, Susan!

That woman is dead!

-[melancholically] ? I love you ?

[breathes deeply]

-First guy I ever loved was a total nothing.

The second was worse. My mom called me a bum magnet.

If there was a bum within a 50-mile radius,

I was completely attracted.

-Hey. -Hi.

Julia Roberts: That's how I ended up here.

-You watching this? -Yeah.

Richard Gere: Hmm.

-There's-- There's a hockey game.

-Watch it upstairs.

-I-- I can't-- I can't go upstairs.

-Why not? -Nothing.

Gere: So, you chose this as your profession.

-I worked at a couple fast food places.

Parked cars at wrestling.

-What's the story? They married?

-No.

-She was a hooker and made it sound so great.

-She his girlfriend?

-She's a prostitute.

-What?

-She's a prostitute,

and he's falling in love with her.

-It's not like anybody plans this.

It's not your childhood dream.

Gere: You should be so much more.

-Ain't he worried about the clap?

-No. -Why not?

-Because she fuckin' douches a lot.

I don't fuckin' know. I'm trying to watch.

-Christ. Okay.

I'm just kickin' the tires.

Don't bite my goddamn head off.

Gere: You're a bright, very special woman.

-You gonna-- You gonna watch all of those?

-Yeah, Matty, 'cause that's what you do after a breakup.

You lay under a blanket and you watch a bunch of chick flicks.

-I don't want you to get too excited.

This is only on loan.

Roberts: Oh! [laughs] -[gasps] Jesus. Asshole.

Roberts: They're gonna let you borrow this for...

-[operatic singing in on TV] Gere: Princess Vivian!

Come down!

[singing continues]

It had to be the top floor, right?

Roberts: It's the best.

Gere: All right, I'm coming up.

[???]

-Oh, wow. She was the pretty woman.

[???]

-So, Mildred, Teddy has told me so much about you,

but he neglected to mention your eyes.

They're like nice manhole covers.

-Well, I didn't know one of you was a stuffed bear,

so I guess we're even.

-Welcome to Armand's.

Take your time.

I'll be back in a bit.

-God, there's something extra depressing

about a bald waiter, am I right?

I might request someone else.

-I would like to propose a toast.

To budding romance.

-For who? -For you and Teddy.

-Yeah, yeah, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie.

We're playing it cool here, Johnny.

-Hmm. So, Mildred, tell me about yourself.

Who is Mildred?

-Well, I'm from Connecticut.

-Ah. The "Show Me" state.

-I'm a widow.

My Franklin died eight years ago.

-Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What from?

-Crohn's disease. It's actually named after him.

-Well, Mrs. Disease, Ted may just--

-No, Crohn. Mildred Crohn.

-Well, Mrs. Crohn, I--

I know that I can't replace Franklin,

but with time I believe that you'll find me

a worthy companion.

Ardent, steadfast

and prepared to lend a strong paternal hand to your...

-Nine sons.

-Yes. I am ready to step in as their father.

-[clears throat] Uh, what, uh--

Uh, what about your parents, Mrs. Fechko?

-Most of my father is in a jar.

-Mildred, may I just say your brooch is exquisite?

-Oh, thank you.

-And your locket is divine.

-Oh, Franklin brought it back from Morocco.

-And your stickpin is resplendent.

-Would you excuse me for a second?

Gert, will you join me in the little girls' room?

-You think they're spraying their vaginas

with eau de toilette?

-Yeah, I really don't know

what the fuck is happening anymore.

-Shut the door! Shut the door!

Do you see what's going on here?

-What? -They're bandits!

They're trying to steal our jewels!

-You think so? -Yes!

They want to bamboozle us out of our fortunes!

Mine won't quit staring at my amulet!

They're grifters!

-Oh, my God!

-The one with Down syndrome is the flimflam artist,

and the bear is the bagman.

-Thank God all my money's in traveler's checks.

-They're probably going from town to town,

pulling this little stunt all across the country.

-But they lived across the street from me for 18 years.

-Even worse! It's a long con!

-Well, then I am not spraying my vagina with eau de toilette.

-Oh, no! Let's get out of here!

[tires screech]

You fucking thieves!

[engine revving]

-Oh, I'm so glad we don't have to fuck 'em after they ate.

[???]

[clears throat]

[somber music playing on TV]

Patrick Swayze: Tell her it's for luck.

Whoopi Goldberg: Sam says it's for luck.

[???]

[sniffles]

[Matty gulps]

-Matty?

-Yeah?

-Are you okay? -Yeah--

[clears throat] I was just sleeping.

You just fuckin' woke me up.

-Oh, sorry.

Um, yeah, you know what? I'm getting tired, too.

I'm gonna go say good night to Susan and go to bed.

-Yeah. Me, too. I'm gonna go to bed as well.

I'm just gonna turn the lights off first.

[footsteps receding]

[somber music resumes]

-[knock on door] -Aunt Suse?

[gasps]

-Blaire. -Hi.

Listen, I just wanted to apologize

for being so short with you this afternoon.

-No, no, no. It's fine.

I know you're having a sad day, and it's your birthday week,

and I'm so sorry.

-Are you still drinking?

-Well--

You know who I read likes to drink now and then?

Me. [laughs]

I started keeping a diary.

-Oh, my God. Okay. -[Susan chuckles]

Um--

Is something going on?

-Like what?

-I don't know. I--

Anything you need to talk about?

I mean, I've hardly ever seen you drink wine.

-Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone.

-What do you mean?

-When we were younger,

Matty used to share things with me.

Sometimes he'd even tell me how he was feeling.

-He did?

-Yeah.

And it's been years since he shared anything.

Last night I began to wonder,

is this all there is until the end?

Me sitting alone,

trying to guess if Matty still loves me?

-I'm sure he still loves you.

-Ah, he never says it to me anymore.

He never does anything romantic.

Doesn't even put in the effort to smell neutral anymore.

-[sighs] Listen,

I really do wanna talk about this with you, okay?

It-- It's just-- I've had kind of a rough day myself.

-I know.

-But tomorrow,

what if we did, like, girls' day or something?

-I'd love that.

-And for now, I'm just gonna put this back in the box.

Susan: Okay. -Okay.

-I'm gonna ride my bike to Taco Bell.

[chuckles softly]

Patrick Swayze: I love you, Molly.

[somber music playing on TV]

I've always loved you.

[chuckles]

[music continues]

-Ditto.

-Matty?

[gasps]

-Blaire. I was-- I was just looking for hockey.

And, uh, sports and scores. [sniffles]

I wanted-- I wanted hock-- I wanted sports and hockey.

-Did you turn Ghost back on?

-No. -You're crying.

-No, I'm not. -You're crying at Ghost.

-Fuck off!

-Matty, it's okay.

-I'm not crying! It-- I'm just--

It's-- It's piss.

-It's okay if the story moved you.

That's what it's supposed to do.

-I wasn't fuckin' crying!

-Okay, why don't you sit down?

I wanna show you something.

[dog barking in distance]

-[cries] God! I'm so mad, I don't know what to do.

I wanna know why.

-I wanna know why Shelby's life is over.

I wanna know how that baby will ever know

how wonderful his mother was.

[crying] Will he ever know what she went through for him?

Oh, God. I wanna know why!

Why?

-[screams] Goddamn right, why?

Wh-Why did it have to be Shelby, huh?

She-- She had her-- She had her whole life ahead of her!

-[voice breaking] I know, it's-- it's so sad.

-She was such a ray of sunshine!

What's the point of love when it causes so much pain?

-She gave so much and asked so little.

-Why couldn't it have been Shirley MacLaine

with the diabetes?

It doesn't make any goddamn sense!

-And the baby! -Oh, God!

The baby!

Wh-Wh-What's gonna happen to the fuckin' baby?

-He's never gonna know his mother.

-I want some fuckin' answers!

I want some fuckin' goddamn answers!

And I want 'em right now! -Matty.

Matty. It's just a movie.

-[gasps] -[indistinct chatter on TV]

[Matty gasping]

-My God.

This is what chick flicks are?

-Yes. The whole point is to get you to feel something.

To share an emotive experience through a narrative.

-Blaire,

you cannot tell anybody that I fuckin' cried.

-I won't.

But there is one person you need to tell.

-What? What the fuck you talkin' about?

-Matty, do you see what's happening right now?

Aunt Suse needs to see this.

-Jesus. No way. -Why not?

-I don't wanna look like fuckin' Boy George

in front of my wife.

Besides, I think she's drunk.

-Uh, yeah, she's been drinking. You know why?

It's because she's starved for any kind of human feeling.

If she saw you like this right now,

she'd love you like the day you married her.

-I don't know.

-Matty, there's no shame in being vulnerable

with the person that you love.

Sure, maybe you feel a little stupid right now,

but don't you also feel kinda good?

Like, kinda relaxed and free?

-I guess so.

Yeah, I do.

-Your wife needs you right now.

She needs this, Matty.

-I don't know how to do that.

[tuts]

-Do you have a ladder?

[snoring]

Matty: Susan! Susan: Yeah.

Matty: Susan! -I know.

Matty: Susan!

[operatic singing]

-Matty?

[singing continues]

Matty!

-Princess Susan! I need you!

-What are you doing?

-I'm comin' up!

[singing continues]

-Are those roses?

-I'm on my way.

I'm comin' up, Princess Susan!

I'm comin' up!

[singing continues]

-[grunts] -[Susan gasps]

[screams]

[screaming] Fuck!

Blaire: Careful. Matty: A little more.

Blaire: Careful. I know. Yep. Matty: Easy.

Easy, for fuck's sake. -All right. All right.

-Sorry. God. -Jesus Christ! [grunts]

Fuck, I need a beer. -Okay.

Yeah, I'll-- I'll get you that.

-Yeah. -Thank you, Blaire.

-[sighs] God Almighty. -All right. Over to the couch.

-[groans] Here. -Give me that.

-[grunts] I feel like a jackass, Susan.

I just-- I just wanted to make you feel

like a special prostitute.

-Oh, Matty!

I do feel like one.

That was the sweetest, most wonderful gesture

I've ever seen in my life.

-This-- This is what happens

when you show your fuckin' feelings.

-Well,

you don't ever have to show your feelings again

if you don't wanna.

'Cause now I know how much you love me.

[gentle music playing]

I love you, Matty.

-Ditto.

[???]

-Sounds like we all had a shitty week, huh?

-Yeah.

-Hey, Blaire, I'm really sorry about Sarah.

-Me, too.

-But, hey, look on the bright side.

Now you got more time to get stoned with me and Teddy.

-I mean, I guess if Sarah hadn't broken up with me,

Matty never would have opened up to Susan

and she'd still be drinking wine in bed,

so, yeah, maybe it was all worth it.

Susan is the kindest, most selfless person alive.

And she deserves to be happy.

-Yeah, but you'd still have a girlfriend

if you'd just given me and Johnny those beers.

-That's also true.

-I mean, if you got us, like,

a bunch more beer, who knows?

Maybe it'll cause a chain of events

that'll lead to Sarah taking you back.

-Fair enough.

-[groans] It didn't. It didn't help anything.

-Mildred, I love you!

[both gag]

[???]

["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing]

? Oh, you've got a headful ? ? Of someone dreadful ?

? And yet, alas ? ? That someone adores you ?

? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ?

? I'm happy I'm yours ?

? I'm just a clown ?

? And I'll bring you down ?

? But you just don't care ?

? 'Cause your ?

? Best friend is me ?

[???]

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