Original subtitles

We're locked in.

Oh, my God.

What the heck?

Say

goodbye

to the world, Amatulo. You broke my heart, chump. Now you're going to pay.

that case...

You must be wondering what that was all about.

Well,

in 56 minutes, the studio artist is producing a new show.

The monster that devoured Las Vegas.

And here he comes.

Our director.

The passion.

What do you mean except for me? I'm lean, I'm mean, I'm green, I'm

monster should be, man. Yeah, except for your stomping.

I mean, I've been stomping until I'm blue in the feet, man.

Hey, besides, this is only a dress rehearsal.

You know, I'm saving myself for the real thing.

It just doesn't look authentic.

The Monster That Devoured Las Vegas is a very special show. Come here, man.

Also a very weird show, but don't tell anybody, okay?

Look.

When you come out here on the stage tonight, you're going to be stomping for

Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, War of the Satellites.

Rocket Ship XM.

Now, you want to be part of that great movie tradition, don't you?

Yeah, I guess.

That's right. We only have 60 minutes till showtime.

56, man.

That's what I meant. Now, go out there and stop those buildings, you audacious

reptile. Hey, a cast?

Yeah. I don't know how in the world I ever let you talk me into playing a

guy.

Came to me in a flash.

Leroy Johnson, that distinguished white scientist, Mark Wasp. But I'm black.

Hey, man, that's the beauty of it. You know, he casts against type.

Just think about who's going to be here tonight.

Steven Spielberg.

Himself?

Steven Spielberg.

Wait, are you absolutely sure we're talking about the same guy?

Yep, that's the guy.

Why would he want to come here?

Good point.

Why? Because his old piano teacher. You was truly invited, and that's why.

The boy had the makings of a concert pianist until I gave him his first comic

book. Oh, yeah.

So where is she?

Where is the lovely Susie Detroit? She's going to be a little bit late.

She's signing her recording contract today.

I'll open a bottle of champagne. Come on, this is a final run through. I know.

She's one of the leading ladies. I know, I know. Susie really doing that album?

She sure is.

Ooh, she hot or what, huh?

Yeah, the mere mention of that girl's name makes me sweat.

Sweat? I thought that was drool. Come on, Swartz. The girl's got talent,

Come on, hair.

That combination is bound to affect the guy.

Yeah, well, I think it's turned you into a bunch of mutants.

Cassie, look, though.

Don't you think they went a little overboard on the coffee, hair?

Vic, you are Las Vegas. You are the numero uno lounge lizard.

That jacket?

That jacket is a metaphor.

Your entire existence.

I forgot.

You know I don't mind playing a Japanese scientist, but these glasses make me

look like a wimp.

I mean, Dr. Who -Woo is nobody's fool.

You're right.

Kill the glasses.

Now we're talking.

Everybody.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

Who just whistled?

I did. Why?

We're doomed.

What?

You heard her. We're doomed.

Mr. Morlock, I cannot believe you did that. You never, never, ever supposed to

whistle in a theater on opening night. You just put a hex on the show.

What's all this hex business? You people are too bright to believe that kind of

nonsense.

It wouldn't hurt you none to humor us. I mean, you are the only one who can get

rid of this hex.

Please, Mr. Morlock, save our show.

What do I have to do?

Stand on your head and sing Give My Regards to Broadway. It's easy.

Not on your life.

Mr. Morlock! Not on your life!

Come back!

People,

people, what's going on here?

Come on, baby, why you all be standing around?

We got only 50 minutes of curtain.

There ain't gonna be no need for no curtain. Mr. Morlock just whistled us at

Umi.

No, you don't.

Oh, Lydia, please.

A rational person doesn't give credence to whammies.

Look,

don't tell me now. I don't want to know.

The prop house never delivered the rocket, and without it, we just cannot

the show.

Wait, didn't I just ask her not to tell me? No, listen, don't get crazy. I'll

just run over and get it. Oh, yeah?

The prop house is all the way downtown. We got 49 minutes of showtime. What are

you going to do, fly there? Well, if I have to.

I'm the stage manager, and this is my responsibility.

True. So what do you say, Chief?

I say go get that rocket.

And don't look back.

No problem. I got 48 minutes.

47 minutes.

Me

ain't

nothing wrong with my style.

Well, who's here? It's the big man.

How you doing, big man?

Leave me alone, Horowitz. I'm rehearsing.

Hey, man, I should be playing Morton, not you, Armadillo.

Yeah, I mean, you auditioned for the part, and your monster was the pits.

Hey, I'm a victim of circumstances.

The only reason you got the job is because you kiss up all the teachers.

I mean, I got more talent in this court than you got in your whole body, and you

can ask anybody.

Oh, you mean like Sarah Klein?

Hey, I saw you talking to her in the cafeteria.

She's got a thing for you, doesn't she?

She does?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely, man.

You know, it's like a curse. All the women, they find me irresistible. Yeah,

heard that.

Hey, but isn't she going out with some guy?

Well, she mentioned some yo -yo, but that ain't no competition.

Did you hear that, Fred?

No competition, huh? Now we're going to see who's the tough guy and until all.

Hey, Chief, I think it's very impolite to steal another guy's woman, don't you?

What woman?

This is Sarah's yo -yo.

I'm going to get you for this, Mel.

You call me psycho.

Yeah, he likes that.

It makes me feel important. Yeah, well, any way you spell it, it spells wimp.

Don't you hear that, Fred? No, he's insulting us. Say goodbye to the world,

a true old... You broke my heart, chump. Now you're gonna pay. Nicky!

He's getting away!

I wanna kill him!

Remind me never to go to the theater.

Dr. Washington, only me.

Susie McCoy, about to make her entrance.

Yes, and I... Thank you.

No, you'll be Detroit.

I don't want you to go to the school.

Doris, I don't think I have all the money.

I mean, Susie Detroit.

Who would give somebody that name? Who would name somebody Susie Detroit?

The lovely Mr. and Mrs. Detroit.

This name behind my back.

Pretty.

Schwartz, you've been on my case since day one. I'd like to know why.

Well, I'm about to tell you. Warning.

I faint at the sight of blood, so I'll just let you two kids fix this one on

your own, okay?

Would you do me a favor?

Would you take these pies to the pantry?

They're my contribution to the cast party.

I'm going to try to get Mr.

Morlock to stand on his head.

Sure, sister.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, I can't wait to get your album.

So what's the problem, sports?

Now, let me get this straight.

I'm a snob, a flirt, a phony, a liar, a hypocrite, and a jerk. And I have no

sense of humor at all.

That about covers it.

Could you open the door?

You're jealous.

Relax, babe.

Tangled up in a mystery.

Because I love the chill.

What are you doing, girl?

Just trying on Doris' costume.

Just the game.

You know?

Yeah, I know.

I was an understudy, too, once.

Honey, I used to dream about going on dancing and singing in my dream.

It's important to keep your dreams.

Keep believing in yourself.

It's important.

Go on, honey, practice.

Nij na kunday.

Shows like a dream comes true.

Vegas, my kind of town.

In ruins.

That's a horrifying thought.

Cassie, I just want you to know that even though you're destroying my

American city, a city that offers the greatest entertainment value per dollar

anywhere in the world, I forgive you. And I mean that, little buddy, from the

bottom of my heart.

God bless you.

Don't ever grow.

Donovan, I think you've been over -rehearsing a little.

Hey, what about when I'm doing my big song, I bridge off and hit him with a

couple of Mickeys, you know what I mean? I'm gonna dip and dabble with the

audience, a little participation.

What do you say?

You mean like Wayne Newton?

Better than Wayne Newton.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't be ashamed.

You are my... Don't be ashamed.

My heart cries.

Don't be ashamed.

One more time.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

I love it.

I do love Vegas. I like the rooms. I like the hotels. But the rooms, the

they're very small.

In fact, like last night after a brilliant performance, I come up and I

key in the door and I broke the window.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

You're very, very beautiful.

No, Vegas is small.

And I'm sure you can relate to that, being very tiny and compact yourself.

In fact, Baskin and Robbins in Vegas only has one flavor.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I know you enjoyed the show. I know you enjoyed

me. God bless you, and don't ever shave.

Speaking of shaving, let me tell you about my ex -girlfriend.

She was such a light eater. As soon as it got light out, she started eating.

I mean, this cheeky baby was so fat.

When she sat around the house, she sat around the house.

Thank you, thank you. God bless you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to say thank you.

I know you enjoyed my joke. I'm a very funny guy. God bless you.

So what do you think?

You're beautiful, babe.

Don't ever change.

Oh, seriously?

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Ow.

Could you get off your butt and help?

Yelling never solved anything.

Oh, you're just so cool.

Besides, you yell loud enough for both of us.

Okay.

You don't care?

I don't care.

They're going to find us, Schwartz.

Yeah, well, you better hope so.

Otherwise, you'll be in here while Steven Spielberg is out there.

so hard.

I'm going to kill this whole school.

Miltie.

Sorry, Miltie.

No problem.

God really aggravates me.

Come on, let's go.

The Monster That Devours Las Vegas.

It's a catchy title. It's hip.

At least that's what Mr. Cassidy tells me.

He thinks that I'm square, that I'm not with it. Just because I like Mozart.

Did you know that Mozart was considered the punk musician of his day?

And did you know that I, Professor Benjamin Sharofsky, got my first job in

America playing boogie -woogie?

I called it the bargain basement boogie.

Because I wrote two basses for the left hand.

Check out this action.

First bass.

I vote together.

How do you like them apples?

But back to serious business.

Have you seen Cleo lately?

Hey, watch out!

Hey, you, get away from that cat!

Did you see him in there?

Hey,

did you see a wizard come by here?

I'm sure he came by this way. Yeah, he came right out that door.

This way.

Help!

Help!

Look. I don't know why I'm after this dude, but what's your beef? Me? Yeah.

He's a nice guy.

He's decent.

Everybody likes him.

I hate him in this car.

Yeah. Let's find him, son.

Uncle Bruno, you in here?

I could have sworn I just heard Doris. Cassidy?

Help! We're locked in!

Help!

Man.

Hold on, Doris. We're going to try to force this open.

If anybody can do it, you can do it, Leroy.

Give me a hand. Take it easy.

A one, a two, a three.

try plan B.

What's plan B?

I don't know.

Hey, look up there.

That's plan B.

Hey, I gotta walk.

I gotta walk. Hey, man, I gotta walk. Where is it? It's in my locker. All

go get it.

Where do you have to go?

Leroy?

Leroy?

Guys, I have some really bad news.

I think... I'm stuck.

What do you mean, stuck?

You're never going to get out of here.

I mean, I cannot move. I'm stuck in this thing. That's what I mean.

bright side of things. With only half an hour to go to showtime, nothing else

can go wrong.

Yo, hold up!

Look, I don't know who you guys are or what you're doing here, but you are not

gonna walk in here and ruin my show.

I'm gonna count to three, and by the time I get there, you two are out of

One...

Did you hear that Miss Sherwood is locked in the administration office?

Wrapped in a towel?

They had to send a student over to her house to get her a change of clothing.

She was a little bit embarrassed.

Johnson!

Johnson!

Where are you?

I'm over here.

Well, I hope you're all nice and comfy.

Not really.

Well, I'm...

I'm going to get here for a couple of hours. They said something about a fire.

And the first guests have already started to arrive.

You know, if you weren't so ornery and you'd stand on your head and sing Give

Regards to Broadway, you could break this hex.

I'm afraid we're going to have to think of another solution, Miss Grant.

Well, if you can think of one in the next 27 minutes, let me know.

I think I'm needed elsewhere.

He goes on the trip back where he's said to be. He's 40 minutes late.

to make you nervous, but baby, do you think you could do this as a solo?

Look, if I don't break those two out of there, I'm going to need some help.

Yeah, I think I can.

Okay.

Excuse me.

It's possible.

Nicole, this is no time to get the hiccups, baby.

Miss Grant, I never get the hiccups.

Really?

Well, that's show business.

We lost them again, Fred.

I always wanted to be on a stage.

Think anybody would mind if I sang something?

Me?

Good answer.

Yeah, I'll get the lights for you.

To dream.

To fight the unbeatable foe To

bear with unbearable sorrow To run

where the brave dare not go To right the

unrightable wrong To love pure and chaste from

afar

To try when your arms are too weary.

To reach the unreachable star.

This is my quest.

To follow that star.

No matter how hopeless. No matter how far.

To fight for the right.

Without question or pause.

To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true to

this glorious quest That my heart will lie peaceful and

calm when I am led to my rest

And the world will be better for this

That one man scorned and covered with scars still

strove with his last dance of courage to

You know, you had such poetry in you. You were a poet, man.

I was visibly moved.

Easy, easy, psycho.

You know, singing, that's my next favorite thing to break and stuff. It

great.

You can't wait to see the show.

Lean

up, boys.

It's almost magic time.

I'd like to see you get through that.

You sausage, Armatulo.

Give it to him, Fred.

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, can we talk about this later? I have a show to do.

Hey, let me say something.

Listen, psycho, you're about to hear Armatulo's last words. Hey, wait a

Hey, what if I vow never to speak to another woman again, man? Hey, man,

wait, one more thing, and it's a biggie.

How would you like to meet Steven Spielberg?

55, 56, 57, 58.

59, 60.

Did it work?

I think it did. Great.

Mr.

Morlock, I'm going to tell you one more time. No, I'm going to tell you one more

time. Quentin Morlock stands on his feet, not his head.

Listen,

honey, try breathing into this bag, okay, when you're ready.

All right?

One, two, three.

One, two... There's still no Cleo.

I cannot believe this.

My once -in -a -lifetime opportunity to perform for Steven Spielberg. And I'm

gonna miss it.

Tell me about it.

Imagine how crushed Steven will be.

Knowing he's missed his golden opportunity to see Doris Schwartz over

You know, Susie, you're just too cool.

There's nothing I could possibly say to fluster you.

Nothing you could do, either.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Ew.

Smell this.

What's going on down there?

The infamous?

Of course.

Clam dunk.

Windmill.

You should see yourself.

Honey, I don't hear anything.

You think maybe they got out?

Guess again.

I was so fat when I was growing up. I didn't leave the house from the time I

8 till I was 11.

Yeah, but the difference is look at you now and look at me now.

So we're both gorgeous. What's wrong with that?

No, you're gorgeous.

Um, okay.

And you're a lot better than okay, Doris.

A lot better than okay.

Somehow that just doesn't satisfy.

Look, I know that here...

I'm good.

I could get leads.

But when we graduate and go out and start hitting casting offices, they're

to see you. They're not going to see me.

I've been there, Doris. It's not easy.

Yeah, how many kids do I know have record contracts?

You ever heard of Blue Moon Records?

No. Well, neither has anyone else.

Look, you just got to hope they're going to recognize talent out there.

And you've got more than anyone I know.

You really think so?

Yeah, I do.

You know, I just wish people would see past the obvious.

And Doris Schwartz is nobody's sex symbol.

I mean, I wish the guys had talked about me in the locker room the way they talk

about you.

I know they don't.

You're wrong, Doris.

What do you know about it?

I know that when we guys get together in the boys' locker room and get to

talking about girls, your name comes up as much as any other.

Really? Doris, have I ever lied to you?

I've been waiting most of my high school life to hear something like that.

Yeah, well, I've been waiting for something too, Doris. What?

Forget it, you'll laugh.

I won't.

Yeah, you will.

No, I will not laugh.

A real friend.

I'm not laughing.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

What did the guys talk about me in the locker room?

I'll tell you when dark came around.

It was a joke.

I only had a blowtorch.

Oh, Mr.

Morlock. In case you're interested, Mr. Spielberg has arrived.

He's in the lobby.

Steven Spielberg at my school.

Did he bring a blowtorch?

What a time for everything to go wrong.

To Sand Hill? I told you about that hex. I told you. I told you.

There's no such thing as a hex.

My hair?

Baby, you ain't got much more of that to lose. I think you better start singing.

Give my regards to Broadway.

Remember me to Herald Square.

Tell all the gang on 42nd Street that I will soon be there.

Yo, where you going?

Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be there. I

hate

to burst your bubble.

What do you know?

What's everybody standing around?

Sometimes life can be really beautiful.

Steven Spielberg finds your hand.

Paper lacks any real genuine intimacy.

What happens when you wash your hand?

Wake up, Chris. I'm having a tattooed on. Thank you.

Go right in. Hope you enjoy the show.

Nice to see you.

What did you expect?

An unhappy ending?

I myself never doubted that the show would go on.

It always does.

I hope you enjoy the show.

Thank you, sir.

We shall get that green slime and drink it, drink it, drink it. I'll have to

see.

Ay, ay, ay, ay.

God, even do they have a golden glow.

He's done that, ain't my little toe.

Thank you.

Hey, you wouldn't want to hurt a friend of yours, Sammy, would you?

You know, I don't want to see you figure that out again. Who gets this?

Yes, please, sir.

Say what? I can't trust anybody.

I'm not even saying anything.

Oh, yes, Steven Spielberg.

Incredible. I don't know.

Maybe you're just thinking Spielberg is understated now.