Original subtitles

Hi, Morgan! How you doin'?

That's Morgan.

- Hello? - Hello.

Yo, Frankie!

Hello? Hello?

- Hello. - Morgan?

- Morgan, is that you? - Mom!

- Hi, Mom. - Awfully sorry, darling.

There's a change in our schedule.

Your father and I have to tape The Phil Donahue Show,

so I'm afraid we'll have to scratch Thanksgiving.

- Okay. - Maybe next year.

No, you know, what's Thanksgiving?

Sitting around eating leftover turkey for four days.

The Donahue people need a Republican senator and his wife

- for a show on marital stress. - But I'll see you at Christmas, right?

Unfortunately, darling, politics demand we spend a week in the Bahamas.

How come?

How come? Your father needs a good rest.

Oh, you're not too disappointed, are you?

No, no, it's-- I know Daddy works hard.

- I know. - Very hard.

You have no idea the stress and strain a senator endures.

So, uh, so Easter, right?

Have you been eating meat? You sound depressed.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

- No, really I'm-- - You sure?

No, I'm fine. I-- Really, I am. I'm okay.

Well, okay. See you at Easter.

Yeah, Easter.

Looking forward to it.

- Definitely. - Gotta go.

- Okay. - Happy Thanksgiving.

Bye, Mom!

Your parents ditched ya again, huh, Stewart?

Too bad.

Guess that means turkey dinner with Chomo and Mahatma, huh?

What are you talking about, dickweed?

I'm going home this weekend.

You lie, Stewart.

If he were my kid, I wouldn't want him, either.

- You sure? - Garrett.

My parents are gonna show up any second now.

They're just running a little late, that's all.

My mom says it wouldn't be like a holiday without you at our house.

Garrett, have a nice Thanksgiving, okay?

They're waiting for me.

- So long. - Bye-bye.

The Indians amazed the Pilgrims by speaking some English.

And the Pilgrims made friends with the Indians

and invited them to a feast.

First they gave thanks

for safely reaching the New World.

Then they ate.

Okay, let's do it.

Come on. Hurry up.

Go!

Let's get out of here.

Gentlemen, I think we're talking the Nobel Prize for revenge.

We did it!

We did it! We did it!

We did it!

We didn't do it.

Me?

How'd it go?

Bad?

Real bad?

I'm-- I'm going home.

They can't do that.

They can't just kick you out.

No, no, no. They didn't kick me out.

My parents called Mr. Smythe this morning,

and they want me to come home.

He got kicked out.

This is all a desperate rationalization.

Go ask Mr. Smythe yourself.

It's the truth.

They want me to come home and live with them.

Yeah, but you've never really lived at home.

Sure I did. I lived at home until I was 10.

- It was great. - But that was almost seven years ago.

Well, sure we've been a little out of touch,

but nothing that can't be remedied.

Garrett, they called me. I did not call them.

They want me to come home.

I mean, I'm gonna have my own kitchen that never closes.

My own room. It's gonna be so cool.

Well, prison life sure won't be the same without ya.

Garrett, old buddy,

I had it tuned, gassed up and ready to go.

It's all yours.

Oh, wow, man. I can't.

Not your Texas Chainsaw Massacre chainsaw

with Tobe Hooper's autograph.

Nah, I want you to have it.

No, seriously. I can't. I appreciate it.

But I mean, this is the Mona Lisa of your collection.

I couldn't take it.

Oh. Roger, I'll just be a few minutes, okay?

Keep it warm.

Hello, boys.

Hi.

You sure?

I mean, that's the only film that Hitchcock ever did in 3-D.

Garrett, you want it, it's yours.

Please take good care of it.

Well, better hit the showers.

My mom'll be here any second.

Oh, no. I got paint detail.

Wait, the hydrants?

No, the curbs this time.

Well, it could be worse.

You think so?

Well, it'll only take us about three or four years this time.

I'll be right back, okay?

See you later, baby.

I got to work.

Oh, my God.

You're not my son.

No, ma'am. He's taking a shower.

There must be hot water over there.

Incoming!

Morgan?

Morgan?

Hi.

- Mom? - Morgan?

Mom? Mom.

Morgan.

Mom!

Morgan.

You-- You--

You look good, Mom.

Mom.

Sounds ethnic.

Well, hurry up, dear. The pilot's waiting.

Sorry, guys.

Mom, I'm real excited about going home.

By the way, where do we live these days?

Washington.

We're always in Washington this time of year.

Shoot.

Morgan, I'm off to the hair dressers.

Make yourself at home, darling.

I'm home!

Dad?

Dad, I'm home!

Dad?

Whoa.

This must be where they keep the iguanas.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Food processor.

Damn you. No knife.

Oh. Look, it's very easy.

Beautiful, ah? No knife!

Cavewoman!

Cavewoman!

We in America now!

Free country!

I smoke when I want and where I want.

Hi. I'm Morgan.

I think I live here.

Oh, welcome to the kitchen of your home, young master.

Allow me to interrupt myself.

I am Ivan Ilyich Vindikov.

- Hello, Ivan. - Hello.

And my wife, Proskovia Fyodlinya Vindikov.

How you doin', Proskovia?

Thank you.

Perhaps the young master would like to be carried to his room?

Sure. I don't see why not.

Certainly. If you would be so good. Follow me.

No. After you.

Go ahead.

Welcome.

Well...

it's definitely me.

It's--

You know, I always wanted a cozy little room that could sleep 50.

Well, 'cause you know, The Rockettes

usually stay with me when they're in town.

There! At last.

The ultimate Den of Iniquity.

Okay.

You guys are going in the bathroom.

Home is where the heart is.

Now, Senator, there are many different ways to use--

- I've been talking to the County Chairman-- = Hey!

- ...endorsement's gonna make any-- - Senator!

No! Wait! Hold it! Stop!

It's okay. It's all right.

Hi, Dad.

Gentlemen, this is my son.

Oh. It's all right, Hooks. Good work.

How are you? I'm Jay.

I'm the Senator's new executive aide.

I'm awfully sorry about this.

These are violent times, you know?

- It's okay. - No harm done.

I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate you coming home.

Well, I'm glad to be here, Dad.

Senator! It is telephone. Important.

I'll be right there, Ivan.

- I'm awfully sorry. - It's okay. It's okay.

We'll catch up later, okay?

There's something different about you. I don't know what it is.

Uh, well, I've grown about 4 inches since the last time I saw you.

I think that's it.

- Marshall? - It's Morgan.

Whatever. On behalf of the Senator and the entire staff,

I want to welcome you home.

Well, great. It's a great house.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I picked it out for him myself.

How long have we lived here?

We're gonna cover that in the briefing, my boy.

Briefing?

Thelma Daggett is a nationally-acclaimed attorney, educator.

She's a pioneer in the Civil Rights Movement.

She's been compared to Eleanor Roosevelt,

Mother Teresa, and Florence Nightingale.

Well, she sounds like she'd make a great senator.

So would Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

No, Morgan.

She's too good for office. She wouldn't fit in.

There's no room in the Senate

for a goody-goody intellectual humanitarian.

She'd stick out like a sore thumb.

If I may continue.

We're behind in the polls, Morgan.

Now is the time for a new strategy.

See, all we have to do is present the voters

with a simple, obvious choice.

A lonely pathetic spinster...

or Tom Stewart,

just your average American family man.

"Vote for the Family."

That's it.

Now, that's exactly how we're gonna win.

That's your schedule.

You represent the Senator.

You're our little ace in the hole, buddy.

I've been thinking about your political future, Morgan.

Mom, I'm not even old enough to vote yet.

You're old enough to date--

the right girls, of course.

I don't know.

I hear the wrong girls can be a lot of fun.

You see, Mom, people just don't date anymore.

They just-- You know, they go out to the movies

and then they sleep together.

Oh, please.

Spare me your locker room humor, both of you.

The right woman can make or break a man's political career.

So your dating the right girl

could make a crucial difference to your father's campaign,

as well as proving a valuable asset to your future.

That's true.

You know, I always wanted a girl with a good asset.

Women hold the slender thread that all civilization hangs from.

They lead men to greatness.

I have just the girl for you.

Good. Good. I...

I can't wait to meet her.

And be sure to smile.

- Here he comes. Senator! - Senator, this way, please!

- Look this way, sir! - Get in there, boy!

Isn't it unusual that an incumbent like yourself

should be this far behind in the polls this early in the game?

As I recall,

Dewey had Truman beat in all the polls,

but Truman still got elected.

Then you're not concerned by Thelma Daggert's popularity?

I'm gonna make my stand on the American family

because I believe that's the most important issue we've got.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Senator!

Excuse us. Thank you.

They're Denver oil money. They're Moral Majority.

Their support would mean a great deal to the campaign.

That's their daughter Heather,

the one I was telling you about.

Don't forget to smile.

- Hello. - Hello. How are you?

Nice to see you again.

Oh, Heather, you're looking beautiful.

This is my son Morgan.

- Hi. - Hello, Marilyn.

Jules.

There's a rumor afloat

you may be on the wrong team, my friend.

Chlorine and ultraviolet rays age you terribly.

But then I've always been fascinated by skin care.

What are your interests, Morgan?

I was dropped on my head as a baby,

so since then I pretty much lost interest

in just about everything.

That's sad.

I have too many interests.

The Young Republicans.

I have nine different Third World pen pals.

And I just organized a "Say No" chapter at school.

It's to help teenagers say no to premarital sex.

You'd be amazed at how kids just can't say no.

Send me all the literature you have on that subject.

Oh, here he is. Over here, Morgan.

Yes, I'd like you to meet our son Morgan.

I don't believe it, darling.

You're simply too young to be the mother

of such a darling young man.

How old are you, Morton?

- Morgan. - He just turned 12.

Just a baby.

If you don't stop disappearing,

I'll have to put a cow bell around your neck.

What's that? Meat? You're eating meat?

We don't eat meat.

But I'm hungry.

Well, why not eat some Drano or rat poison?

Do you know what meat does to your body?

Little globs of putrid fat choking your arteries.

Flecks of gristle trapped between your teeth.

Stringy, smelly chunks of dead flesh rotting out your lower tract.

Christ, Morgan.

And you see what eating meat does to your complexion.

Hello, Sylvia.

Mom, everybody has zits when they're my age.

Well, we'll have to do something about that, won't we?

Hello, Sylvia. How are you?

Oh, it's so nice to see you.

Thanks for coming by.

- Hi. - Hi.

Try acting like you're having a good time, sport.

Okay.

Isn't Heather a saint?

Oh, yeah, she's a real Joan of Arc.

Somebody ought to tie her to a stake and set her on fire.

Oh, no!

- Look at this. - What?

This man actually hopped around the world on one foot.

You know what's wrong with People magazine?

We've never been on the cover.

Jay says we have to wait for them to come to us.

He says if we go to them, it's a guaranteed hatchet job.

Not necessarily.

I had a nice little discussion with Bill Whitewood this evening.

You are amazing.

All my stuff is gone.

What stuff?

Oh, some pornographic film posters, I suppose.

I had Ivan remove them.

Mom, horror films are not pornographic.

Where are they?

In the incinerator by now.

Mom, they were mine!

Mom, it took me years to collect them.

I don't believe this.

Now, don't get so emotional.

There are members of the press trotting through this house all the time.

And I will not have that expensively decorated bedroom

turned into a Times Square subway station.

But it's my room!

- Your room? - No, no, no, son.

Don't you see? Your room is your room.

The way our room is our room.

But in a wider sense, our house is our house.

And you are a guest.

I'm not a guest. I'm your son, for cryin' out loud.

I mean, if we're gonna pretend to be a family,

we might as well take advantage of the situation.

Now, wait just one moment, please.

Now, I know it's trendy and all that,

but I don't subscribe to the buddy-buddy school of parenthood.

I'm not a pal.

I'm a mother.

Good night, Morgan.

I can't believe this! I'm an orphan with parents.

We are going to be a family if it kills me.

Things are gonna change around here.

Well, you heard him tell her

what a great job we were doing taking care of the house

so she wouldn't worry and come home.

Well, that's right.

No, it's wrong. We're doing a terrible job.

We're trying, but we're not trying together.

Charge!

Okay, once again, kids,

I've called a late evening meeting.

But this time it's not to go over a medical bulletin

or to lecture you about carelessness.

It's to tell you how proud I am, how...

Of course.

It's so obvious.

We're glad you're pleased, Dad.

'Cause we really tried.

Surgeon General encourages all American comrades to smoke a lot.

You won't take time to learn English!

Then you must suffer in ignorance.

I don't fart!

Wait. You wait.

I become real estate tycoon,

divorce you, and marry beautiful stewardess.

How you doing?

I come, I come.

You can't get good help. Let's go!

Coming. Come.

I told him not to hire that Russian.

What on earth is going on down there?

I was just doing--

The floor.

Just doing what to the floor?

Waxing it a little.

I want you at that breakfast table in 20--

make that 18 minutes.

And dressed properly.

Not like a psychedelic crop-duster.

Okay?

Okay.

Does anybody know I'm out here?

What? No, I-- no thanks. Save it.

Okay.

I'm sorry about the floor, Ivan.

That's okay.

Looks good.

Hey, Dad,

uh, I was thinking about getting a couple of tickets

to the Redskins game.

Oh, I don't know, Morgan. I'm very, very busy.

Actually, we could get some very nice media mileage out of that.

Father and son rooting for the home team.

Fix it, Jay.

I'll take care of it right away.

Fine.

No, I know, but listen, Margery.

What's been bothering me all day

is should I seat the Websters on the right or on the left?

Well, no. I'd like to insult them,

but I don't want to alienate them.

Oh, yes, Jay?

I'm trying to find Morgan.

I need him to sign something from the bank.

Well, he's probably upstairs performing an autopsy or something.

Can you hang on a minute, Margery, please? Thanks.

Morgan, where are you?

- Yes, Marge. - Now, what is this?

Oh, God-- Margery, I cannot tell you the problems I'm having.

What are you doing?

Uh, I was just doing the windows.

Pretty good idea, huh?

No, come on in. Jay wants you to sign something.

I'm sorry, Margery.

Oh, you think I should seat them on the right,

and then tell them it was a mistake and have them move to the left?

No, Stewarts do not do chores.

And we most assuredly do not do windows.

Just stop sneaking around like a hyperactive handyman.

Yeah? No. No, I was talking to my son.

Yeah. No, he just keeps doing these things to help.

He must get it from his father's side of the family.

What is this?

I've opened a safe deposit box in your name.

at Throckmorton Trust.

Keep the silver dollar collection your Aunt Matilda left you in her will.

Oh, I didn't know Aunt Matilda died.

I didn't even know Aunt Matilda.

But how many did she collect?

I don't know.

About 500 or so, I think.

This is for your own protection, Morgan.

Your mother thought it was a good idea. Right here.

Okay.

Ah, thank you.

Nancy, I need you to sign this, too, to certify you're his legal guardian.

No, I know. We were going to have the soy bean tartare.

With a marsala sauce.

A Greek thing, maybe.

No, I think it's grapes.

Oh, well, whatever it was--

- Jay? - Yes?

Where's the key?

What key?

To the safety deposit box.

I mean, considering that it's my silver dollar collection,

don't you think I should have the key?

Wait. What's the matter? You don't trust me?

Hey--

Hey!

I'm your Uncle Jay, kid.

Here.

Wait a minute.

On second thought, maybe I better hang on to this.

I'm not sure you can handle responsibility.

You want the key, it's right here

in my vest pocket anytime you need it.

- Jay-- - What are you wearing now?

Oh, not you, Margery. Sorry, Morgan.

Now, I want you to go into town with Ivan

and purchase some suitable clothing.

And no more chores.

If I had wanted a servant for a son,

I'd have had sex with the chauffeur.

Sorry, dear. Where were we?

No, I did not invite her.

Oh, that's all I need, some divorced actress in heat

prancing around in a sarong made of Saran Wrap.

You clean the house good.

Madam pleased, yes?

No, Madam not pleased.

One day soon, I be building and selling condos.

Big profits.

In Russia, nobody else see opportunities.

Maybe you want to invest a little something?

Oh, I don't know, Ivan.

I make you partner.

I'll think about it.

Okay, this is for you.

Oh, Christmas.

Great concept.

You've got one hour.

Meet me at the car.

Okay.

Attention, shoppers,

get George Romero's autograph

at Waldenbooks.

Meet the creator of The Living Dead,

film director George Romero,

live, in person, at Waldenbooks on the south concourse.

You been waiting here long?

I can't believe he's here.

Attention, shoppers.

Get George Romero's autograph

at Waldenbooks.

Meet the creator of The Living Dead,

film director George Romero,

live, in person,

at Waldenbooks on the south concourse.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Hey, come on. The line starts back there.

She's with me, mister.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, uh, no problem.

Happens to me all the time.

Uh, I don't mean to pry,

but, uh, do I know you?

I don't think so. What's your name?

Morgan. What's yours?

Emily.

You can call me M.

You know, like Dial M for Murder.

You know, that's-- that's one of my favorites.

Did you know it was the only Hitchcock film

ever made in 3-D?

Yeah.

Yeah, I knew that.

--shopping mall, so that you'd have a hard time

knowing the difference between the living dead

- and your average Christmas shopper. - Yeah!

- Isn't that great? - What a comparison, though.

No, but you know what my favorite was?

- Which one? - Night of the Living Dead.

That's the best one.

That's definitely the best one.

Well, it was the original,

and it was in black and white. I love black and white.

- I adore black and white. - No.

- Isn't it the best? - It's the best.

Horror films are definitely the purest form of cinema.

Horror films are so pure.

I love horror films.

This is so funny 'cause I was exactly thinking that.

- I cannot believe-- - Hey, watch it, man.

Oh, God. I'm sorry, sir.

Where is his head?

- That's just a really demeaning question. - It's my turn.

Take this.

Sir, here you go.

Uh, so anyway, I was just wondering

if there might be some way for us to maybe

get together sometime.

You mean like a date?

Oh, well, not necessarily a date date--

Just, well, a date.

Sure, you have a car?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Well, cool.

Well, I was planning on going to a late show

of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes tonight.

- You want to go? - Sure.

Cool.

Sure, what about your folks?

Oh, well they trust me. It's cool.

- But if it's not cool with you-- - Oh, no.

I'm real close to my parents. We're like this.

So, I guess I'll pick you up, right?

Yeah, you can pick me up around 8 at my house.

You can have dinner with us.

I'll tell my mom. She'd love to have you, really.

Oh, great to, um--

Does your family eat meat?

Yeah, every night.

Oh, great. Great.

I'm in love, I'm in love--

He's in love, yes

He's in love

He's been in love for the last hour and a half

And he's in love, love, love, love

Love, love, love, love, love

Love

Hi, Mom.

I'm in love, yes, love

Love, love, love

Love, love, love, love, love

Love

Mistake.

Love, love, love

Love, love, love

Love, love, love, love, love, love

I'm

In

Love

Love

Catch, Mom.

Dear God, he's on drugs.

Doc, I am not on drugs.

Then perhaps there's another explanation for your behavior.

Well, yeah, my mother and father.

Well, then, how do your mother and father behave?

Well, Dad's joined the ranks of the political undead,

and sometimes my mother acts like

I'm a sperm who chewed through her diaphragm

like a piranha fish just to destroy her life.

I see. Then, you're trying to get back at them.

No, I just want to be close.

Look, I know that washing the windows

and doing the floors isn't gonna make any difference.

Just maybe they'll get the message.

In all honesty, Morgan, I don't see how

your going to get your message across

by talking to yourself,

pretending to be a servant,

collecting pornographic film posters,

and giving spontaneous dance recitals.

Oh, God.

Look, Doc, okay?

I'm gonna level with ya.

Okay, I have been doing drugs.

I understand. I'm glad you told me, Morgan.

For your sake, I'm glad.

Now, exactly what kind of drugs?

I've been free-basing Clearasil.

To a large extent, Morgan's violent mood shifts,

his bouts of irrationality,

the paranoia, his persecution complex,

can all be attributed to adolescence.

Thank you, Doctor.

Well, isn't there some kind of hormone shot you could give him?

I'm afraid not.

There's no known cure for puberty.

Good-bye, Senator.

It's good to have Morgan home.

It's as if we really were a family now.

Oh, I don't know, Tom. He worries me.

He seems so eager for affection.

Maybe I should have breast-fed him

when he was an infant.

What are you talking about?

Breast-feeding.

Very chic nowadays.

They say it helps create some sort of

affectionate bond between mother and child.

Maybe I didn't cuddle Morgan enough.

Maybe that's why he's so needy now.

Well, maybe we sent him off to boarding school too early.

Well, I went to boarding school when I was 5.

I wasn't breast-fed.

I didn't see my parents till I was six months old.

They took this extended tour of Europe

to recover from my birth.

Mother felt she deserved it.

And I turned out just fine.

Good Lord.

Too much hugging and kissing could cripple a child.

Look at the Italians. They're all manic-depressives.

Bozo, eat my dust.

Billy, get away from that door.

Hi. You're Emily's boyfriend, aren't you?

- Wow. - Billy!

Billy, come here.

Boss set of wheels!

He just--

Billy, get here now!

You little doofus.

- That's my brother. - Yeah.

I figured that out.

Cool car, though.

Thanks.

The sauce is great, Mary.

Thank you, dear.

Here we go.

Pass the meatballs if you get a chance, Morgan.

Sure.

Hey, Morgan. That's a neat car you got out there.

Thanks, Billy.

Grandma, you hogging the peas again?

- Not me, it's him. - What?

My mother's got a thing about peas.

Oh. These meatballs smell wonderful, Mrs. Costella.

- Thank you. - And so timely.

Why is that?

Morgan has this thing about meat.

It's my favorite form of sustenance.

I think you stole the car.

You all right, Morgan?

Okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Billy, why don't you have some peas?

Mom, Morgan stole the car.

That's nice, dear. Now eat your dinner.

So, Emily,

what movie you dragging him to?

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

No. That one, that's a lemon.

A lemon?

Hey, Dad.

Morgan stole the car.

Enough, Billy.

You've said that three times.

You realize, of course,

that Strait Jacket is playing at the Inner Circle.

Now, you talk about a classic hatchet murder,

- that's it. - Don't listen to him.

I didn't flinch once that whole film.

You tell me another film

where you see a human head bouncing down the stairs.

Fred--

Why won't anybody listen to me?

He stole the car.

I'm not gonna let you get away with this.

Okay, have a nice time.

- Mom-- - Night, Daddy.

Nice meeting you, Morgan.

Have a nice time.

- We'll have a great time. - Drive carefully, now. You hear me?

Mom, I'm gonna call the cops.

Get back in here, Billy. Get back in here.

You must have overdosed on my family.

No, they're great. Especially Billy.

When did they capture him?

Actually, Marlin Perkins brought him over from Wild Kingdom

about 11 years ago.

I'm afraid, gentlemen, that what we have here before us

isn't what we thought.

You don't mean--

This, is a cherry tomato.

It's so asleep.

It's totally-- well, you've gotta, like, shake it or something.

- Here, I'll show you. - Don't shake it.

Pins and needles, pins and needles.

I know, but you gotta move it.

It'll stop really quickly.

Okay, okay, okay.

- Is it all right? - It'll be fine, No problem, see?

Hey, no problem.

- Let's go somewhere. - Aren't you tired?

I just had a nap. I feel great. Come on.

Come on, this way.

Come on.

Attack of the killer tomatoes

Beautiful. I love it.

Pull up a step and have a seat.

What are we supposed to do here?

This is my room.

What?

Well, everything's always so crazy at my house.

There's always something going on.

So I come here,

'cause it's a real nice view, and peace and quiet.

And I shoot the bull with my pal Abe in there.

He doesn't talk much,

but he's a real good listener.

Yeah, I like monuments.

I love 'em.

When I was in school,

I used to do my homework in a cemetery.

Well, 'cause, you know, I was really--

I was really into the, you know, hand-carved benches

and the 8-foot angels and stuff.

Yeah, everybody thought I was so weird.

Well, they used to call me Morbid.

Morbid Morgan!

Yes, yes, Morbid Morgan.

- I'm so embarrassed. - No.

- Yes. - Blabbermouth. That's what they called me.

I talk too much.

Oh, no, no. I don't think so.

I like talking to you.

Where would you go right now if you could go anywhere?

Oh, boy. I'd go skiing.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- You like the snow? - Oh, I love it.

God, I used to go skiing with my family all the time when I was a kid.

God, I'd just stay out there till my face turned blue.

But it was fun. It was fun.

Oh, we haven't been on a family vacation in a long time.

But, uh, we will.

Someday.

I'm working on it.

So, uh, do you ski?

Um, no, actually, I don't know how.

Well, come on. I'm gonna show you. Stand up.

You're gonna teach me how to ski?

Stand up. I'm gonna teach you how to ski.

- We've got a whole mountain down here. - Okay.

- All of Washington laid out in front of us. - Mountain.

Ready to go? Okay.

Now you gotta keep your skis parallel and your feet together.

- Okay, okay. - Okay. And use your hips for balance.

- Mobility. - Mobility, yeah.

And use the sticks to push along.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're imaginary sticks.

- I watch the Olympics. - Okay, ready?

- Okay. - You don't have to go now. Just watch.

The sound effects is it.

- Try it. - Okay, okay. No. Okay, wait.

- Right? - Yes.

Oh, I'm getting it.

You've got the hang of it. You're better than I was.

Downhill racer.

Evening, officer.

Cross country.

Oh, my God!

What?

Oh, that was--

Oh, my God.

Find my keys.

Do you want to come in?

Oh, I'd--I'd love to, but, uh--

No, I gotta get home.

Well, um, I really had a great time.

Oh, so did I, so did I.

I-I-I had a great time.

And I was, uh, I was wondering

if maybe we could do it another time.

I mean, if I'm going too fast for you, forget it.

Tomorrow night?

Great.

- Yeah? - Great.

So great. Wait.

Pen.

Okay.

Hand, please. Okay, um--

Okay, that's my phone number. Will you call me?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Okay.

- Good night. - Good night.

Good evening, Senator Stewart.

Good evening, Officer. Come in.

Is there something wrong?

Evening, ma'am. Good evening.

Sorry to have to wake you like this,

Senator Stewart, Mrs. Stewart.

We got a report earlier this evening that your car was stolen.

- What? - It was probably just a prank.

It sounded like a young kid on the phone.

Oh, shit.

You, turn around. Put your hands on the car.

Your left hand.

Morgan?

Uh, hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Uh, you didn't have to wait up for me.

Morgan, let me give you the facts.

Sometimes children are a liability in politics.

I mean, look at all these Washington brats.

Take your pick.

Nothing but drugs, sex, automobile accidents,

Hollywood parties, ad nauseam!

And I will not have the son

of my candidate sniffing cocaine or--

or knocking up starlets

or being a guest-host on Saturday Night Live.

Okay, I know. It was dumb.

I shouldn't have taken the car, and I'm sorry, okay?

Well, it's not the end of the world.

Oh, sure. Go ahead, encourage him.

Maybe tomorrow night he can steal the Rolls.

You, young man, are hereby grounded until further notice.

You are not permitted to leave this house.

Even if it's on fire.

Understood?

Yes, Mother.

Well, good! I'm finally going to bed.

- What? - Oh, sorry, champ.

Just trying to earn a living.

Would you do me a favor, please?

Hand me those wire cutters down there? Right down there?

Give me a hand?

What are you putting up in here?

This sucker here.

State of the art.

Satacon tube, 6 to 1 zone.

Can just about see in the dark.

So you better watch your pud-polishing, if you catch my drift.

Pud-polishing?

Now, that speech, Nancy,

that is going to make or break the entire campaign.

I'm gonna have live television, live radio coverage.

Everybody in this state is either gonna be watching or listening

as the Senator talks to a small, intimate group of friends

and supporters and family.

What would you say, about 200 people or so?

- That's terrific, Jay. - Thank you.

They'll all come to the home,

have a little Christmas cheer.

Ah, put everyone in the spirit of giving, you mean.

Mom, I have to talk to you.

That's a great inspiration right there.

The spirit of giving.

You gotta let me off restriction tonight.

No.

Mom, I promised somebody very important that I'd see them!

I'm sorry about the car, okay?

But I'll pay for the damages myself.

Oh, well, how do you propose to do that? Hold up a 7-Eleven?

Well, I'll go to my safety deposit box,

and take out Aunt Matilda's coin collection.

Absolutely not.

- I don't think that's a very good idea. - Why not?

Well, I know that your aunt

would have wanted you to save that for college.

- Something more substantial. - Then I'll get a job

or something. I'll work at a McDonald's

or a gas station or something.

McDonald's?

Over my dead, withered, decomposed body.

- Fantastic job, Jay. - Mom!

No, you will stay on restriction tonight,

tomorrow night, and for the rest of your young life.

Elephants and mothers, Morgan, never forget.

Now, bear down, will ya, kid?

She said--

Oh, no, it's okay, Ivan. It's just me.

Hi.

How are you doing?

I say it right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Perfect.

- Thank you, thank you. - How am I doing?

Uh, well, for starters, I've been grounded for life.

Uh, there are TV cameras all over the house

watching my every move, and--

And I can't even make a phone call

without the whole world knowing about it!

It sounds like Russia!

Hello?

- It's me, Morgan. - Perfect timing.

I was just on my way to work. What's up?

Emily, I, uh-- I don't think

I'm gonna be able to see you tonight.

Actually, I don't think I'm gonna be able

to see you for a long time.

Why? What's going on?

My mother. I'm gr--

My mother's father, uh-- My grandfather.

It's his heart, you know. It's--

It's broken.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna have to go away for a long time.

Well, when are you leaving?

Can I see you before you go?

Uh-- No, I don't think so.

I'm gonna be--

I'm gonna be real busy.

Are you okay? I mean, you sound

a little bit weirded out, or something.

Oh, no.

Everything's-- Everything's great.

I'm just a little worried. That's all.

So, uh, watch out for those killer tomatoes, will you?

Order up.

Mind if I join you?

Don't worry.

I won't tell if you won't.

It's a deal.

So, uh, when did Mom get on this vegetarian kick anyway?

About six months ago.

She went to see this holistic manicurist

who told her that eating meat had given her

the fingernails of a 90-year-old woman.

That was it.

No more meat in the house. Period.

God, when Mom gets her mind set on something.

Mother's not the easiest person in the world to live with.

But we wouldn't be where we are without her.

Where exactly are we?

Son, we're in the Senate.

The United States Senate?

Dad, you know,

this is the first sandwich we've shared since--

since before I went to school.

I mean, before you even ran for office.

Don't you remember the football games we used to go to?

The cabin in the country

where you taught me how to ski?

I mean, we used to go up there every weekend.

Just you, me, and Mom.

I mean, I thought we were pretty happy then.

I don't know, Morg.

I think we're pretty happy now.

Yeah.

It's just what I thought.

Hey.

Aren't you supposed to be grounded?

Yeah.

Better get back to my cell.

Dad.

I'm really glad things worked out so well for you.

Thank you, son.

Oh, come in, Morgan.

Hi, Mom. I was--

Don't tell me, darling. I know what happened.

There was a spaceship that landed,

with little green men in it,

and they attacked you with hatchets,

and then they sucked you out of the house through the mail slot,

and then they beamed you back again, right?

It's a good try, it's a good try.

They actually sucked me out through the doggy door,

but you were very close, very close.

This is not funny, Morgan.

Ivan, uh, where'd you put my--

Hey, dude.

What's going on?

Uh, nothing.

How did you get in?

I, uh, rang the doorbell, and some guy answered it.

Happens all the time.

I didn't really understand him,

but on the way up, I think he tried to sell me a condo.

Oh, that's Ivan.

You want to know how I found you?

Washington's a small town.

This is a really, really great house.

How's your grandfather?

Your grandfather?

Oh-- No, I'm sorry.

He's a little better, you know?

That's good.

Well, I really just came by to say, you know, hi and goodbye.

I thought we were gonna go skiing sometime,

but when you called me yesterday, I just--

it just didn't look like it was ever gonna happen, so...

goodbye, Morgan.

Emily.

Are your folks home?

Uh, no.

Actually, they're out.

Do you have any food?

Yeah.

Uh, sorry. This is all I could find.

Anything. Food. I am starving.

So you're pretty rich, huh?

They are.

I'm not. All I have is 500 silver dollars

in a coin collection that my aunt left me.

You see, my mom's dad was a big,

uh-- I mean, is a big robber baron type.

What's he into?

Oh, all sorts of things.

This is really good.

- What is it? - Dog food, mainly.

Oh, no, no! No, that's my--

That's my mom's eggplant.

Dog food is, uh, how my mom's dad

made all his money.

You see, I'm supposed to say that the family fortune came from horses.

You know, like "Tally-ho, off to the races," and all that crap.

Well, the only horses my family ever owned

were the ones they chopped up and put in a little can.

See, my Mom's real into making the right impression,

and she's real hard to understand sometimes.

You know, any way you look at it, raising parents is a drag.

Especially mothers.

I mean, it's taken me 16 years of patience and understanding,

a whole lot of screaming and yelling,

just to get her where she is now.

Probably take me a whole 'nother 16 years

just to get it right.

But it's worth it.

Oh no!

Go underwater!

Well, something feels good. You've got something.

Hey, it takes a licking, keeps on ticking.

I'm so wet!

Oh, it's cold!

- Come on! - I'm sure it is.

- Come on! - Okay, I'm coming!

- I'm freezing! - Oh, my God.

Come on, come on.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Come on, come on, come on!

Freezing!

Oh, that's the stupidest thing

that's ever happened to me in my entire life!

Jesus Christ! My toes are the same color as your uniform.

Oh, I can't even feel my toes.

Good thing we went to the great expense of having a pool heated.

You could have told me that.

You didn't have to push me in.

I'm gonna take a shower. What are you gonna do,

just stand there and catch pneumonia?

Uhh, thank you, God.

Thank you, God.

Out of my way! I'm in need of shampoo.

In need of shampoo? Well, here comes Jorge,

your Transylvanian hairdresser!

This is perfect! Oh, my God--

You never actually see the knife touch Janet Leigh's body.

You know what? It took Hitchcock seven days to shoot that shower scene.

And it was only on film for, like, three seconds.

And that's what I'm talking about.

You know that guy, when he came in--

and he was like--

Mom!

Mom, close the curtains!

Introduce me, please, Morgan.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Nancy Stewart.

And whoever you are, you have precisely 60 seconds

to get out of this house before I call the vice squad!

Emily, I'm sorry!

Oh, God!

Emily!

Morgan!

Emily, come back. Christ.

Emily!

Morgan!

Morgan, come back here right now! Morgan!

Morgan!

Emily!

Emily, wait!

Damn!

Hi, Mom.

Mrs. Whitewood. How are you?

Mr. Whitewood. Looking good.

Oh, uh, how's Heather?

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, Tilly, I told you. These progressive schools.

Who says Republicans don't know how to have fun, huh?

Morgan?

Morgan, I simply do not understand this behavior.

Tonight I have suffered the worst humiliation of my entire life!

You leave me with only two words to say:

Military school.

Well, I'm not going!

Oh, yes, you are.

And I know just the place.

My old alma mater, Milhouse Military Academy.

You're the only mistake I made in this campaign, Morgan.

Maybe even Milhouse can make a man out of you.

Please, Jay. Don't make me go.

Talk to Mom. You're the only one who can convince her to let me stay.

I'll change. I know you don't like me, but I'll change, okay?

I'll do anything. Anything you want.

You want me to take out Heather?

I'll even take out Heather.

Oh, you're gonna like General Fenton.

He knows how to deal with brats like you.

Jay, please, I'll--

Thanks, Jay.

General Fenton.

Oh, it's been so long.

Jay, it's good to see you, my boy.

I am glad you're here.

- Come right in, please, sir. - Thank you.

Come right in, gentlemen. Cadets, soldiers.

Yes, sir.

And as my boy Jay knows from firsthand experience--

Oh, by the way, Jay. How long has it been?

Oh, that was the, uh-- That was the class of '64, sir.

Class of '64.

Oh, that was a class, yes, indeed.

- Sure was. - But, you see, at Milhouse, we hate failure.

We eradicate failure.

We rip it out by the roots!

When I get through with your son,

he'll be capable of defeating any enemy, any time, any place,

be it foreign or domestic.

Now, Morgan is on a strict vegetarian diet.

He's not to eat meat under any circumstances.

The problems you're facing with your son

are problems we face every day at Milhouse.

Let me assure you--

We have a trained staff, professionally trained people

who handle this all the time,

so I can assure you, there's nothing out of the ordinary.

We apply the, uh, right approach.

We feel that it's old-fashioned, but it works. You see--

I would say that this is not a problem. It's--

Let's go!

Oh, good. Glad to see you've packed.

General Fenton is here.

Wait!

Morgan!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Morgan!

Morgan! Morgan!

Morgan, don't you dare go down--

Morgan! Morgan, you get back in this house!

Morgan!

Damn it!

Morgan!

Go and get him!

Emily, it's me, Morgan!

There's nobody home!

Oh, come on, Emily. I'm sorry.

You lied to me!

All that stuff about your parents being so cool.

You probably don't even have a grandfather.

Okay, I shouldn't have lied.

Then why did you?

Because the truth sucks!

Because my parents and I are strangers.

We just have the same last name.

I was shipped off to boarding school when I was 10.

And I was dumb enough to think that if I could

get myself kicked out enough times, that--

eventually, they'd run out of schools

and have to take me home.

You know what really sucks is--

they never did.

I went through eight schools in six years.

Then, all of the sudden, they called me up.

They said they wanted me to come home.

It was a joke. They didn't want me.

They wanted a cardboard cutout labeled "kid" for their campaign poster.

I used to pray that my dad would resign

or lose the election. Now--

Now I don't even care.

So what I came for was to--

to say goodbye, 'cause I'm leaving.

I'm running away.

Can I drive you somewhere?

Senator, I need to speak with you.

Not now, Jay.

You know, they're checking all the hospitals,

the halfway houses, the morgues.

I'm expecting 200 guests for a festive press conference.

I'm getting a migraine.

He's probably just gone off somewhere to work out his problems.

This whole idea about military school is a terrible mistake.

- Senator-- - Jay, can't it wait?

No, I'm afraid it can't, sir.

Oh, Jay, really. You should know better.

Oh, that's right, that's right.

You don't like smoking in the house.

I'm awfully sorry.

But, uh, under the circumstances--

Under what circumstances?

What are we doing here anyway?

What do you usually do in banks? You get dollars.

Can't you write a check or something?

No, because our old pal Jay

decided that Aunt Matilda's coin collection

would be better off in a safe deposit box.

Look, instead of running away,

you can just come stay at our house.

I mean, my parents loved you.

Oh, great. I can bunk with Billy.

Okay, scratch that idea.

I guess it's your life,

and you know what you're doing with it.

I can show you to the vault now, Mr. Stewart.

- Please sign here. - Thank you.

Holy shit!

Maybe they compounded the interest.

In my pocket, I have the key to Morgan's safe deposit box,

in which I have placed $500,000 in marked $100 bills.

From your campaign fund.

The box also contains the records

of how the contributions were laundered.

All of which were co-signed and authorized

by Nancy and Morgan Stewart.

I must say, Senator.

You have some family.

I mean, they couldn't have been more help to me

had they been part of the scam themselves.

Did you sign something for Jay?

God, Tom, you know, I sign things all the time for Jay.

Jay has been running this campaign for us. I'm given--

I can't begin to read each and every word.

This is Senator Stewart's office.

It's Ernemann.

Ah, yes, yes. I'll take care of that.

One second, please.

Excuse me, folks. Minor detail.

- Look, I'm sorry. - We have to find out what happened.

Yeah. Now listen. First of all, wha--

We've got big trouble. It's an emergency.

The Stewart boy came in here and cleared out the safe deposit box.

Jay, he had the key.

What do you mean, had the key? That's impossible.

I got the key right here.

Why didn't you stop him, you idiot?

I had my own receipt book in there, along with the money.

I just got back from my lunch hour.

Jay, you know I'm hypoglycemic.

I have to eat precisely at noon.

I don't think they care very much about that in prison,

Ernemann, and that's exactly where we're gonna be

if you don't get that money and those files back.

Well, you don't have to shout.

You fruitcake.

The same to you and your mother!

What?

Here are the white ones.

They're all here. All the names

of the contributors, and receipts

for all the contributions to my father's campaign.

I hate to say this, but it looks like your parents are pulling a scam.

Well, my family has plenty of money.

And besides, it's too late in the campaign

to use any of this stuff.

My family may be a lot of things.

They are not crooks.

No, this has to be Jay.

He had the key to the safe deposit box,

and these receipts are not in my dad's handwriting.

But why? I cannot figure that out.

I mean, if this got out, it could ruin my dad.

Especially right now.

Well, I don't see why you're getting so bummed out.

I mean, if you look at it,

it's kind of what you wanted, right?

I mean, your dad getting out of politics?

No, not this way.

Listen, I've got to make a stop, but-- Come on.

Where are we going?

Going home.

Well, I make it very simple for you, Senator.

Tonight, while the entire state of Virginia watches and listens,

you're going to very quietly and with great dignity

withdraw from the race.

Is this some kind of joke?

Wishful thinking, Senator.

First, we leak news of the missing money to the press.

Then a photostatted copy of the bank document

opening the account will be mailed anonymously.

You want me to go on?

Why are you doing this?

Well, it all comes down to money, Senator.

And I'm afraid the other side pays more.

Now, I think you both should get dressed for the party.

All your lovely guests will be arriving soon.

Road block. Pull over. Pull over!

Go ahead, sir.

Maybe we should come back another time.

Your mother can't really handle surprises.

No shit.

Okay. Give me your jacket and your glasses,

and all I gotta do is get to my dad before the press conference.

I can't believe you're doing this.

I know, it's feeble, but it's all they had,

and all it's gotta do is get me past the cadets.

General, he is a dangerous psychopath.

Now, we're talking about a sick thief.

He's a threat to his own father's life.

Now, he has to be kept away from here.

Has to be kept away from the senator at all costs.

- You hear that? - I'll take care of it.

Believe me, that boy humiliated me, Jay.

I can't stomach that.

I hate punks!

I'd like to grab 'em by the ears and puke in their faces!

That's why I knew you were the right man for this job, sir.

Damn right, Jay.

Cadets! Attention!

Detail, ready for inspection, sir.

Thank you, Captain.

We're up against a slimy little turd.

We're gonna get him, aren't we, boys?

Yes, sir!

Now, what were you before you came to Milhouse Military Academy?

Scum, sir!

What kind of scum?

Dope-smoking, foul-talking, rock-and-roll pervert scum, sir!

And what are you now?

Good little boys, sir!

You haven't lost your touch, General.

Thank you, Jay.

Captain, you can deploy the men.

To your posts, gentlemen!

Mister, excuse me.

- Sure. - I am buying some land in Florida.

The Everglades.

You know it, maybe?

- Look up there. - Oh, it looks lovely.

- Hello. - Howdy.

We can't stay forever, honey.

Believe me, Steve, the Senator is very aware

of your generosity, and, uh,

he just has to play it a little cool at the moment. You understand?

Loose lips sink ships.

But when the time is right,

you can be sure he'll be showing his gratitude.

To hell with gratitude, Jay.

You just make sure that highway bill gets out of committee in one piece.

That's good little boys.

Now remember, keep a sharp eye out for him!

- Privates, move out! - Yes, sir!

All posts on full alert!

All posts on full alert!

Oh, Tom.

How could I have been so stupid?

Tom, for God's sake. You are a United States senator.

We'll fight this with everything we've got.

Now, Jay can't possibly get away with this.

He may not need to.

Well, what do you mean?

If we fight back, then Jay will just stoop even lower

than he already has.

We've allowed him to get close to so many people

in our lives, the fallout's gonna be devastating.

Well, there goes the cover of People.

Who cares? We'll fight him, Tom.

On the beaches, in the air, on the land, on the sea.

Together we can beat him.

Together we hired a sleazy, cheap con man

because we thought he had street smarts. Huh?

Some street smarts.

We've been so desperately afraid of losing

we've already lost. We've lost our dignity,

we've lost our self-respect.

Lost our son.

Let's go downstairs.

Well, whatever you decide, Senator Stewart,

just look to your right, because I'll be standing there.

Morgan, there you are!

So glad you could make it.

Oh, a present for me.

You really shouldn't have.

Now I'm awfully sorry that you're gonna have to miss

seeing your father withdraw from the race.

Actually, I wrote the speech.

It's really quite touching.

Take him away, boys.

Hey, Morgan! Want a ride?

Come on, get on!

You have great timing!

Fox is in the chicken coop.

Alpha Charlie to base, Alpha Charlie to base. Come in.

Yes, sir! He won't get by me, sir!

Kick in the ass. Head him off at the back!

- Let's go! - Geronimo!

My fellow Virginians,

it is with a heavy heart

and a great deal of regret

that I stand before you this afternoon.

Oh, no!

Oh, shit!

- Hold on! - Move it, come on!

Missed them!

- We got 'em now! - Wait a minute. Wait.

Stop the jeep!

Stop the jeep!

Watch out!

They think they're getting away, huh?

- Not from me, they don't. - Let me out of here.

I tried this in Berlin in '45.

Oh, my God.

Damn thing doesn't have seatbelts!

Seatbelts?

- Look out! - Watch it!

Watch it, you goddamn idiot!

Hey, you're speaking to a superior officer!

All right, you're an idiot, sir!

Well, that's better.

Where in the hell are they going?

Tally-ho!

Coming through!

My God, it's Morgan!

Dad, catch!

Read the receipt book. We got Jay by the short hairs!

Morgan, hold on!

Excuse me.

Shit.

Out of the way!

Come on, General! After 'em!

- Holy shit! - Go, go!

This is war, Jay.

And by God, I love it.

Left turn.

Wait, wait! What are you doing?

You crazy--

This is living!

Jesus Christ, Fenton!

General, you're an asshole!

And what the hell's--

General, you're a-- You're a complete idiot!

You're a goddamn asshole!

Jay-- Jay, you don't mean that.

No, you can't mean that, after all we've been through.

Oh my God, you got it.

Have you got everything?

Die, you son of a bitch!

Die! The end of the military!

With my new hero status,

I was able to really crack the whip,

and we finally took a family vacation.

Dad will always be in outer space,

but at least I've got him in an Earth orbit,

and we're getting to be pals.

Mom's a tough one.

She's getting a little better with the hugging and kissing.

Oh, I did get her to eat a hamburger.

That was a real breakthrough.

Oh! And Jay took a nice, long vacation

at a very exclusive resort.

He deserved it.

Ivan's in the real estate business, and he's doing swell.

That's his new wife Monica.

They're enjoying the American dream in their new home.

I got a postcard from Anna.

She's happy back in Russia and making new friends.

Oh, Emily and I are super-tight.

I took her to the junior prom.

We were the best-looking couple there.

Like Em said, raising parents does take a lot of work,

but it can be done.

Having a real family is one of the big thrills on this planet.

Oh, by the way, Dad won the election,

Mom got the cover of People,

and I got a family.