Original subtitles

# Let me tell y'all the story of a pirate named Hook #

# Had a big bad boat and a pneumatic cook #

# They all sailed together across the ocean blue #

# Beamin' bootlegged tunes to your baby and you ##

Run up the antenna, mate.

Aye, aye, Captain Hook. And you know that.

Everything is everything.

Push and pull, and push and pull...

and push and pull.

Take a cold shower. I got another three miles.

Shiver me timbers. Hey, isn't it time for your show?

You're always right.

He's late.

You're addicted.

Arrest me.

Three, two, one. Yo ho ho, Miami.

It's the pirate of the airwaves, babies.

Your old friend, Captain Hook, back for another radio raid on your senses.

I'm gonna plunder you with bootleg boogie, babies, from somewhere out here...

in the wild blue Atlantic O.

And all you FCC legal-beagles out there, catch me if you can.

# Blue day #

Okay? Okay.

There she blows!

Right place, wrong time. She never lies.

Ahoy, mateys.

Permission to board?!

# Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum #

# Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum #

# Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum ##

Buenos dias. You're dead.

The coke didn't have feet on it, man.

Find it or you walk the plank.

Stotto.

Looks like somebody's been smuggling here.

Gold, Captain.

Better than gold, babe. Reminds me of that scene in Captain Blood.

The one where they.... They find the booty.

Let's shove off. Yeah.

Captain Hook's got the blues.

Captain Hook thinks something's rotten in Hook town.

You want to know the truth? You came to the right frequency.

Captain Hook's worried about his listeners, babies...

but hey, hey, hey, truth with a capital T.

It ain't my job to worry. Ain't that right?

Let me hear you say "yay."

The good Lord took a good look around and he made a decision.

He decided that Sylvester Stallone was born to mumble.

He decided that Mr. T was born to wear gold chains.

And the good Lord took a good look around...

and decided that Captain Hook was born to spin tunes.

Is the Captain gonna turn his back on the big pirate in the sky?

Let me hear you say "nay." Wait a minute. I feel a tune coming on.

A little ditty, a righteously dedicated ditty, for flyboys everywhere...

but Jackson, in particular.

Watch how you use your wings, baby. They're the only ones you got.

I'm gonna spin you a yarn, I'm gonna play you a song...

I'm gonna do it short. I'm gonna do it long, baby.

That's 'cause I'm non-stop and I'm double clutching today.

Let's shove off with a nice little tune. Something to shake your booty.

Damn.

This party is definitely not happening, Moralez.

Damn.

Sonar equipment. Better than nothing.

How long do they think it's been floating out there?

Three, maybe four days.

About the same time that Customs gunboat was hot-wired.

Did they find that? This morning. Beached down in the Keys.

This boat was docked in Cartagena last week.

Authorities there suspect Moralez and his friends were carrying.

Could it be death for drugs?

We've had pirates off the coast before. Pirates?

Use the boats for smuggling drugs, then sink them.

This might be a new wrinkle.

Hijacking the white booty after somebody else does the dirty work.

The Chamber of Commerce isn't gonna be too cool about that.

There was also some sonar equipment stolen off the boat.

Switek and Zito are checking in on that right now...

on a sting operation, that they had up in Broward.

They might've come across some of it. Check in with them.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hey, junior, what it is, man? You got the stuff?

Hey, is a frog's butt watertight? What?

Hey, check it out, man. This is the latest in sonar gear, man.

You could find the Titanic with this stuff, man.

Hey, listen, we ripped it off a guy's grandmother's boat, man.

Perfect condition.

What, this grandma's got sharp teeth? Look at all the scratches.

What do you guys think of my new TV show, Stolen Goodies?

Switek, America's not ready.

All the serial numbers match the ones given on warranty...

when Moralez bought the stuff.

Why would anyone be willing to blow away a boatload of people...

to nickel-and-dime some stolen merchandise?

I don't know. Who's the traveling salesman?

Calls himself Jumbo, a.k.a., T.R. Collins.

He was a real famous B-and-E legend, turned fence.

Lives in Sweetwater with his wife.

Doesn't sound like murder's his bag to me.

People change.

So, where's the eye patch?

Huh? Pirates.

Huh?

Never mind.

Tourists. Pale-skinned blue hairs with their potbellied partners...

stroll unchecked down asphalt boulevards.

Huge pink and pale blue hotels...

where there was once only unadulterated sand.

Ugly. Ugly. Yeah, ugly. Non-stop ugly. Junk everywhere.

Junkies, junk food, junk mail, junk-junk, triple junk, double junk, quadruple junk...

wrecked aircraft grinning charco'al flame...

smiles of death and hopelessness.

Charter members of the Mile High Club, are cooking on another planet...

and they will not share the recipe.

Lifetime residents of the Miami day room, weave ugly baskets...

out of shattered dreams and whacked-out schemes.

Scammers, planners, posers, pilots...

superstars of tragic circumstance.

Can I have your autographs? Yeah, Captain's talking to you.

Make it out to your very best friend, H-O-O-K.

Let's do lunch. I'll have the grilled smog plate....

Smog-spewing DJ.

What kind of alien planet is this? Airplane hell.

Damn rats. I hate them.

Hey, don't worry. I know how to use it.

You aren't in any danger. Mueller?

No. Burnett and Cooper.

We're looking to see Mr. T.R. Collins. Is he around here anywhere?

His name is Jumbo to his friends.

We aren't his friends yet. Well, he's expecting Mueller.

Well, everybody loves surprises, lady. So they do, Mr. Cooper.

I'm Mrs. T.R. Collins, but you can call me Fluffy.

Mueller? No, Burnett and Cooper.

Where's Mueller? Who's Mueller?

They're not with Mueller, Jum-Jum.

Take care of them. Excuse me, Jumbo.

Three days ago, you moved some...

very radical anti-surveillance equipment to some black-market bozos up in Broward.

So?

Well, it belonged to us. Maybe you should leave now.

Maybe not. I will shoot him.

Shoot him.

Hey, hold it, man.

Hey, hold it, man. Hey, it's not worth this.

Hey, what, they use your boat? Right.

Hey, man, I didn't know, you know?

Like, it was supposed to be a clean little transaction, man.

Only eight kilos, man.

Hey, I even paid some money up front, man.

Who? Moralez? Yeah, Moralez.

No, no, no, man, the other dude. The pilot, man.

It was his deal from the get-go, man, you know?

But when he went to get the dope, man, Moralez was already whacked.

And, you know, they took the dope, man.

So he brought me all that other stuff, man...

so I could recoup some of my money.

Well, where can we find him?

Who? The pilot.

I don't know, man, you know? I mean...

I barely knew the dude, man, you know, like...

I just met him through a friend, man. Yeah.

A friend of a friend kind of a thing? Yeah.

On a drug-dealer level? Yeah, something like that, man.

Okay, so who's your friend? And I don't know where I heard it.

Hook, man.

Hook. You know, Captain Hook, the DJ dude, man.

Thanks.

This little number goes out...

to a real good pal of the Captain's.

Lives out in Sweetwater, with his lovely bride, fluffy.

This one's for you, Jum-Jum.

Watch where you're walking, who you're walking with.

Yeah, dig what I'm saying, Jumbaline, this one's for you.

Yeah, you got to pick up the pace girl. Beat it, Noogie.

You're making it too easy for yourself.

You know the Captain hates cellulite.

Even a hint of it.

That's much better. Practice make perfect.

Little faster, you be down with the noogie-woogie on down, you understand?

Friends of yours? No way.

You know I ain't allowed to have company. Captain's orders.

You know, if that boat was purple, I'd say it's Prince and his bodyguard.

But the muscle looks a little light...

and I gots to go below deck, so you handle things up here.

Wonder if Prince can swim.

Well, yo ho ho. Do you see what I see?

Yeah, I thought he was dead.

Captain usually takes requests over the phone.

Who are these guys? FCC? Coast Guard?

I don't know, but if they friends of yours...

we ain't got enough for lunch, tell that right now.

Feds.

Fans. Fan.

Singular.

You're breaking my heart. Say it ain't so.

Be cool, man. This guy's got a tin ear and no appreciation for outlaw radio.

Call it what you will.

You're not here for autographs, though. Noog-man thinks so.

Look, you're not in this conversation, chump.

We were having a fun little chat with your old buddy, Jumbo.

Should I be curious about why?

Concerning certain personal property that was fenced by a pilot you know.

And who you want to meet?

I don't think so.

Come on, man, we just want him to do a job for us.

We don't want to kill him. So don't worry about it.

First mate says Captain takes one look at you two guys...

and he got plenty to worry about.

The way y'all be housing things, and what not.

The guy's trying to quit the business.

I put the pilot in the same room with you two guys...

no matter what you want from him, it's nothing he needs.

Look, man, you can't cold turkey for him.

If he's a player trying to quit the biz...

he's gotta do it for himself, or not at all.

Come on, man, you can trust us.

If you couldn't, why would Jumbo tell us about you?

We're good people.

Maybe. Maybe good cops.

Good cops? Please.

I feel like I've been here before.

Make you feel good or bad? Strange.

You remember when you used to fly the big ones, Jackson?

Hey, dude. What's happening? Save it.

Cooper and Burnett. The bad humor men.

Our reputation precedes us. Hey, bad news travels fast.

Controlled substances? Colombia? Jimmy the pilot? Ring a bell?

He told me all about you guys.

So you know Jimmy? That's great.

Now I know why I had that strange feeling.

Oh, great, huh? Not so great for him.

It took him two months in Miami General to recover.

But now he's on the straight and narrow, just like me.

Jimmy? On the straight and narrow?

That's a contradiction in terms, butch.

Yeah, well maybe you don't know him so well.

Yeah, and maybe I do. And maybe I say you're a lot like him.

Look, man, for the first time in my life...

I got a legit job with a great girl at the same time.

Now, I don't need to mess with the kind of trouble you brought Jimmy.

Legit job, huh?

So, what is it?

Repair.

These are awful delicate pieces of machinery, you know. They're sensitive.

Delicate.

Yeah, this sounds real exciting to me. Yeah. Real colorful.

I don't know if I can take it.

So you guys want to get a drink?

Turn off your lights, man. What do you think this is, a spy movie?

We're careful young men.

Yeah, you're careful. You better be careful, man.

Is this it? That's it.

You Mueller? I'm Mueller.

Nice meeting you, man.

Nice meeting you, too.

It sure looks good.

It's not that I don't trust you guys, you know what I mean?

Hurry up, will you?

Beautiful.

Where's the cash? Follow me.

You know, it's kind of weird, man.

A friend of mine just got killed for eight keys, you know?

Gee, that's too bad. Yeah.

And, all of a sudden, here you are with, guess what? Eight keys.

Boy, what a coincidence.

Here we are, man.

Here we are.

Where's the cash?

If it was a snake, it would bite you right on your head.

That's hysterical.

It was a double-cross.

All right, Mama. I'll take that. Jumbo!

We'll never find them in there.

Too much risk for too little return.

It's fake.

Been running a long time.

You really talking retirement, man?

No, I'm talking "retired." Past tense.

Yeah? That's not what we heard.

Jumbo says you been doing a little moonlighting.

With Moralez.

Yeah, we heard that you were doing a little salvage operation...

out on Moralez's sportfisher right after he got whacked.

I was stuck, man. I was liable for the investment.

It's understandable. Old habits die hard.

Hey, Moralez died hard. That's what I'm talking about here.

I mean, you get to be 30 and you start feeling mortal.

You been running on luck so long...

you know it's just a matter of time before it craps out.

And you two guys ain't anybody's rabbit's foot, either.

Well, look, all we want is an intro.

You to who? Pirates.

Let's check out my baby.

Man, I got the righteous girl and the righteous wings...

and I don't want to lose them.

I'm tired of losing things.

Hello, baby.

Losing things comes along with the territory.

I want to leave the territory, man. Sure you do.

I'm the habit, you're the cure. Talk to me, man.

Somebody's been plundering pleasure boats up and down the Gold Coast.

We want to meet them. Why do you think I can find them?

Well, you travel in the same circles, don't you?

We'll make a donation to the Jackson Crane Fund.

$5,000, man.

What's the play? Firearms.

Four cases of MAC-10's, minus the serials.

Going in or coming out?

Direct from the Army supply warehouse in North Lauderdale...

to the hands of our needy Latin brothers, south of the equator.

We want the pirates to supply us with suitable ocean transport...

that we can deep six once we make the delivery.

Percentage or flat fee? Flat fee.

We pay for the boat, end of the deal. Not for the pirates, for me.

200_, cash on delivery.

I thought this guy was retired.

Well, maybe now it's my hobby.

150_.

50_ on delivery. 100_ after we make the deal for the arms.

Well, back in the saddle again.

Jackson, I couldn't find you.

Hey.

Business, babe. Rico, Sonny, this is Lani.

Look, honey, I got to take care of something, all right?

But you promised to take me to the Arc Light tonight.

Well, Rico and Sonny will fill the bill till I get back.

It's not the same.

Hey, you guys are gonna love the Arc Light.

Well, we going?

Jackson's the coolest boyfriend I've ever had.

Daddy hates him.

But that's because the most interesting thing that Daddy's ever done...

is throw his golf bag into a water hazard...

after five-putting the fourteenth hole.

Jackson's an adventurer.

He said for our honeymoon...

he's gonna take me to New Guinea to see cannibals.

Lot of man-eaters in here.

You and Jackson are engaged?

Yeah. Two months next Friday.

Damn.

Look, I know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say that Jackson isn't the settling kind, right?

Or that I don't know what I'm getting myself into?

But I know all about him. I think it's very exciting, what he's done.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Not exactly the country-club type.

Did you meet him before or after...

he led the expeditions through Africa?

After. So, were you part of the group that fought with the Contras in Argentina?

Right.

God, I wish I'd known him then.

But I was what...

seven?

Now, that would've been very kinky.

You know what Jackson is? He's a man of high adventure.

It's an Indiana Jones kind of thing.

He's a dying breed.

He boldly goes where no man has gone before.

It's true.

And as soon as I get my trust fund, I'm gonna make sure he keeps going there.

See, when I'm 22, I inherit this fund. This trust fund.

I don't know, something like $13 million.

Jackson know about this? Sure. It doesn't bother him.

He said he'd marry me even if it was $50 million dollars.

Yeah, he's a stand-up guy.

Come on, let's blow this pop stand.

Gonna take one bump, here.

Looking for Laura. She around?

Laura?

Laura?

Hey. Hey.

How you doing, babe?

So high.

What did you do? You quit your job again?

Life....

Life is a bummer.

I don't need the aggravation of living.

Bring the party, Jimmy?

Laura, I'm looking for some dudes.

Remember those guys your brother used to sell poppers and rocks to?

Said they call themselves the pirates?

Bring me anything?

Yeah.

I'm looking for those dudes, Laura.

The pirates? You know where I can find them?

Lalo. Que pasa, man?

Don't "que pasa" me. People are dying.

It seems everyone you touch dies.

Hey, relax. You set up my brother's boat.

It wasn't me, it was the pirates.

What'll we do with him, Captain?

Send him airmail.

Hi, Jackson.

Long way from the Biscayne Racquet Club, Skip.

Got the word you were looking for us. What?

No, man, the guys I'm looking for....

Are us. Let's take a meeting.

You know, you guys must be record bored.

You were born with all the money you'll ever need.

Trust fund babies just want to have fun.

Does Lani know? She wouldn't understand.

Baby sisters never understand.

You wasted Moralez. You killed him.

It wasn't such a big deal. It's murder.

Look, maybe we're just doing somebody a favor.

These South American low-lives come up here with their dirty drug money...

and they breed like...

like cockroaches...

and they ruin the place for real Americans like you and me.

Maybe....

Maybe we just exterminate them. Maybe we're just like Sir Francis Drake.

Maybe we're good pirates.

Buddy, you are sucking wind.

You know, I don't even think you know why you do it.

Oh, no, we're not so introspective like some dudes I know.

Now, what about these two guys that want to buy a boat?

Forget it.

Try it again, Jackson.

Boomski. You're dead.

Hey, you guys got a favorite TV soundtrack you want to hear?

That's all music is these days.

What about Gilbert and Sullivan?

They had some groovy little pirate tunes.

Jackson, why are we here?

What about calling this whole thing off?

Don't tell me. You're born-again.

Mueller's gonna kill you guys.

Personally, I don't give a damn. I just thought you might be interested.

We appreciate the thought. What I'm saying is for real, man.

Look, these guys might have started out joyriding boats...

but they crossed the line and they kept on going.

They wouldn't know how to stop, even if they wanted to.

They're gonna run right over you.

Think about the money, man.

Give him the check.

Jackson. Earth to Jackson.

I'll be right with you.

Come on. We're on a tight schedule.

So where are these pirates?

Flying in right now.

Cute.

Not a peg leg among them.

Maybe they're working up to that.

Aargh, me mateys. Gentlemen...

Mr. Cooper, Mr. Burnett.

Any friend of Jackson's is a friend of mine.

Pleasure.

That's the '80s version of shaking hands.

Shut up, Jackson.

They're clean, Captain. No wires, no hardware.

That's a nice start.

So...

I hear you gentlemen are interested in a little high seas transportation.

More commonly known as a boat.

You get us one, we get you $60,000.

Fast boat? Untraceable?

Sinkable? You got the picture. Yes or no?

I want $60,000 up front.

Yeah, and Qaddafi wants Reagan to visit him in his tent.

You get the $60,000 when we shove off, butch.

Are these guys okay?

Hey, I just made the intros. I'm out of it.

Sounds like a big no to me.

Stotto!

I trust them.

That's a little better.

Okay, here's the plan.

Day after tomorrow, you meet Jackson here with the guns and the $60,000.

He'll fly you to us and the boat.

We'll send you a check.

That's funny. Very funny.

Jackson is still in the middle with the $60,000.

End of discussion.

Leave.

Wave goodbye to your friends, Jackson.

Bye-bye.

Adios, Jackson. Have a nice day.

Thank you, Carlos.

Cooper and Burnett. I don't believe these guys.

I mean, they won't take no for an answer.

I can't decide. Which one of them do you like?

I mean, these guys, they actually go out of their way looking for trouble.

What guys?

Cooper and Burnett.

You're not paying attention, Jackie.

Come on. Is this dress cute, or what?

More like what.

The wedding's in six weeks.

I got to find a dress yesterday.

You've been acting kind of weird lately.

You've got something weird going with Cooper and Burnett.

They wanted me to hook them up with some pretty bad dudes.

You did?

You're worried about it?

It's a good chance that Cooper and Burnett are gonna get wasted.

You know what I think? What, babe?

I think Cooper and Burnett are big boys. They can take care of themselves.

I think it's trouble.

Well, Daddy says, "People get what they deserve."

So maybe Cooper and Burnett deserve trouble.

Maybe you deserve me.

I don't like it. Once you get on that plane your backup ends.

We don't have a choice. It's the only way the deal can go down.

Switek, Zito, back them up at the airport. That's it.

That's a good idea. Pirates aren't known for sticking to their plans.

They might jump you right there.

What about this Jackson? How reliable is this guy?

Jackson was born with an extra larceny chromosome.

He'll hold up his end.

Checked out Mueller.

He was halfway to a graduate degree in business administration...

before he dropped out.

Punk can get his diploma in jail.

Don't forget your garbage.

What's happening? I don't know. It's hard to see.

He brought the girl with him.

Girl with him? What for? I don't know.

Listen to this, Lar. "The symptom:

"APU shuts down before reaching governed speed.

"Probable cause:

"oil pressure below 10 Psi Gs."

What does that mean? It's real hard to see.

She wanted to come along. And I didn't want to lie to her anymore.

God, this is so radical.

Why don't you go home, little girl?

We'll take pictures.

I also wanted her around when I told you this.

I've been thinking this whole thing through.

And I just made a decision. I'm checking out.

Wheels are in motion, pal. Yeah, well, I'm putting on the brakes. Hey...

maybe you two jokers are dumb enough to walk into an ambush, but I'm not.

I'll see you later, boys.

This wouldn't be a play for a bigger share?

You guys don't get it, do you? School is out, man.

It's time to grow up. I mean, I'm gonna have a wife.

I'm gonna maybe have kids.

If I keep doing this, there's two ways I end up: dead or dying.

I got somebody else to think about now.

You gotta play it out, man. Damn straight.

How about getting their guns, honey?

What? Get their guns.

My brother told me you'd flake out.

Lani, what are you doing? I'm taking up the slack.

Get in the plane.

Boy, do I feel dumb.

Lani.... Get in the plane.

"Correct fuel supply line problem."

I think I could be a pilot. What do you think?

They're getting in the plane. They're getting in the plane?

Now what? Throw away the guns.

What for? We don't need them anymore.

Let's go. Let's go.

Something's going down wrong.

This is your Captain speaking. It's Hook. Listen up.

You want to know a secret? Promise not to tell?

I'm scared of air travel. I'm gonna pilot this flight from a safe place.

Sea level, babies.

Hold it right there.

What did you bring them all the way out here for?

You should have smoked them at the airport.

You're the one who's so hot to kill them.

Hey, Captain, if you're looking for a volunteer....

You're making a big mistake, pal. You made the mistake.

Get her away from me.

Thanks, Jackson. Get out of here. Out!

Trust fund babies.

You're cops, aren't you?

I've aided and abetted cops.

I saved their lives. Oh, man.

There's my rep.

No law against that, pal.

You're cops.

You said you wanted to get out of the biz. We can help you now.

Wipe your slate so clean it'll shine. ;)

New name, new history, new place.

This ain't been my day.

What.... You're serious?

New name, new identity, new life? Anything I want?

Whatever you want.

I'll.... I have to get back to you.

Ahoy, mateys, it's Captain Hook.

That's right, Captain Hook...

the buried treasure you been looking for.

I'm the man in the poop deck firing broadsides and flipsides and bootleg B-flat.

I'll bet you're lying around the pool...

soaking up that gorgeous Southern Florida sunshine.

Makes you glad just to be alive, doesn't it, babies?

#RANDY NEWMAN'S MIAMI#

Resync By Chuck :D