Original subtitles

Zoe! Zoe!

Are you ready?

Um,

not really. I thought we were staying in tonight.

Yes, but just come down. That'll have to do.

What's up?

Just come sit down. I have some very... exciting news to share with you.

You look so pretty.

There you go.

So, it's been almost two years since you told me that I should start

seeing people.

Well, I kind of should have been seeing someone since last year.

And I've been keeping it a little bit of a secret from you.

What?

Why?

Well, I didn't want to bring home just anybody.

I mean, especially if this relationship wasn't serious.

You act like I'm a kid or something.

I'm 18. I think I can handle you dating a guy.

Well, yes, I know. But I also know that you can be very protective of me.

So, this is serious?

I'm in love. I am head over heels in love for the first time since I met your

father.

So who...

Hi,

sweetheart. Hi.

It's for Zoe.

Oh my goodness.

I'm so nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Look, Zoe is a little mini -me.

She's gonna love you.

Hi.

It's my girlfriend, Jane.

You are so pretty. She looks just like you.

You would think you were biologically related.

She is my mother.

It's okay.

Zoe doesn't like it whenever someone reminds her she likes to call me mommy.

Oh, of course.

I'm so sorry. What a first impression, huh?

Well, I just wanted to tell you that your mother is a very special person and

am so grateful to them. What the hell is going on? Are you telling me that

you're a lesbian?

Listen, darling, I can't help who I've fallen in love with.

And by the way, you should watch your tone. We don't want to offend our guest.

Oh, I'm sure it's fine. I mean, it's just a shock.

Millennials are so progressive.

She's going to be just fine.

Look, sweetheart, I got a present for you.

Thanks. Um, but I'm not your...

Baby, Jane and I met in grief counseling.

I mean, when your father passed away and you went back to school, I had no one

to turn to.

I was in grief counseling for the passing of my son, and they paired

We became friends.

Friends at first, but we both felt like there was something more.

Long story short of it, our friendship grew into love.

You're in love with her?

Zoe.

I should leave you two to talk.

No, don't go. Not like this.

Listen,

Zoe, Jane is going to be moving in.

And we're getting married in June.

Where is she going to stay?

Not in my room. Is she going to stay in your room?

Well, of course she'll be sleeping with me.

And she is not just some strange lady, Zoe.

You're trying to kick me out. You think that I'm too old to live at home. I get

it. This is just some toy. No, of course not, Katie.

This is your home.

You'll stay here as long as you please.

No, please.

I'm not trying to get in between you two.

And Zoe, I'm not trying to interfere in your relationship.

Yeah, you won't. And you know what else?

It's not going to last. You're not my mother's type.

This is not going as planned.

And I don't know what she means by not your type.

Is there something you need to tell me?

This is just what she does when she's surprised.

I should have remembered this from when her father introduced me to her.

Look, I'm just going to have to see you another time. I mean, your

stepdaughter... I mean, your daughter needs you.

No, no, no. Listen.

What Zoe needs is to learn not to dictate to me who I love.

She's a very good girl, but she can be extremely manipulative.

You call it manipulative, but I'm just being real.

I call it as I see it, and you, Mommy, you're having a midlife crisis.

Don't believe me? When Sasha's mom and dad divorced, her dad tried out a guy.

Everybody wants to know what it's like to dabble in gay stuff at least once in

their life.

And that's all this is. You're experimenting.

Look, Jane and I are engaged to be married.

Do you understand this is not an experiment of any kind?

We are head over heels in love with each other. And what I would like most is

for the two people in my life that I care about to just get along.

Can we just give it a shot?

You two need some privacy, and look at the time. I should get back to my dog.

How about you have, like, ten of them, don't you?

All rescues, too, I bet.

Lesbians are obsessed with rescuing much.

Did Mom ever tell you that she hates animals?

She hates the way they smell. She hates the way they leave hair all over the

place. And the only thing she hates more than dogs are dog owners.

That's not true.

I love you and your dogs.

All of them.

Is this why you never come over to my place?

No.

It's just that, you know, my place is more convenient.

Conveniently free of dogs.

If you want me to move in with you, me and my dogs are a package deal.

Oh, I know. Of course.

I just think at some point we should have... maybe discuss my allergies to

And I think what Zoe here is so rudely trying to say is that I just have an

-bitty allergy to dog hair.

Oh, allergies.

Okay, well, this is a surprise, but it's okay. We can work through this.

They make a fabulous allergy medication.

In fact, a colleague of mine... I hate dogs.

I hate them. It's true. I hate everything about them. I'm so sorry.

But we can work through this, right?

I'm part of that silent population that hates dogs.

I mean, Zoe's right. They're gross and they're germy and they're unpredictable.

And you never know when your beloved dog can just flip the switch and attack

you. I mean, dogs evolved from wolves, didn't you know? And they were never

meant to be domesticated. Mom hates cats, thinks fish are pointless, and she

won't have bread, pasta, or pizza in the house. That's for fat people.

And do you like Ellen DeGeneres? Yeah, of course.

Doesn't everyone love Ellen?

Mom detests Ellen.

Oh, God.

It's true.

I know I told you I love that stupid show, but I never told you my feelings

the - You hate pasta.

This can't be.

I made vegan pesto pasta for her just last week, and she ate a vegan?

Mom thinks that vegans should be rounded up and rocketed to their own planet,

where they can slowly suffer protein deficiency and drown indignantly in

own moral condescension.

Is that why you tried to argue that plants had feelings last week?

I saw a documentary once that said plants had feelings.

But plants don't have a brain.

Or a central nervous system.

India, it's science, okay?

There's just one more thing.

I hate those plastic clown shoes with the holes in them.

Your pussy must be bomb if mom went out in public with you wearing those hideous

green things.

I have never been so offended in my life,

India. I'm so sorry. Look, I know you just learned a lot of things about me,

I love you, and we love each other, right?

I don't know you. How could I possibly love you?

Please, I didn't mean to hurt you. Don't.

Please just stay.

What do you say,

Mommy?

You're welcome.

Don't be a hypocrite. That's what you always tell me.

I have never laid a hand on you in your entire life, but I swear to God, Zoe,

if you don't get up and go to your room right now... What are you going to do?

Bank me?

Just go.

Just go.

You should be thanking me.

Hey, bitch.

Did you know mom's a lesbian?

Your stepmom?

No way.

Did she come on to you? Oh my God, I hope you got it on tape. I have to see

No, but she is.

I go away to college and come back and my mom becomes a card -carrying dyke. My

mom brought over this plain Jane lady and told me that she's engaged.

And I think that I just split them up, but I think that she's in her room

calling her up right now.

What do I do?

You split them up?

Good.

Now you're worried your mom is calling her and apologizing?

I'm having a crisis, Shiloh. This shitstorm just happened in my living

Get off the phone with me, but be sure to bring it downstairs whenever you go

her room to console her.

And you need to be sure to record the entire thing.

Why do I even talk to you? I'm going to die if she lets another woman in our

life. Oh, please. You're overreacting.

Clearly, you have never been into...

MILF lesbian porn. It's only the hottest thing I've ever gotten off to.

Well, except that senior year with Mrs. Monet when she grabbed me by the arm,

pulled me into the office.

God, she was hot.

I'm hanging up.

Oh, oh, or that was that one time whenever I watched that clip of the

bullied the other one into sucking her toes.

Oh, it was so fucking sexy.

there was that other one when uh she was like shyla i'm not sharing my life my

tv and my mother with a self -righteous lesbo who wears plastic shoes oh my god

please don't tell me she wears fluorescent green plastic shoes with

see what you mean god help you oh zoe this is serious

it's basically a life and death situation i'll die if this woman moves

literally Well, you said you scared her off, so... Yes, but my mom is seriously

pissed off. She said that she would spank me.

Mmm, seriously?

My pussy just twitched.

Okay, we gotta make sure this bitch never rests her fugly, nasty -ass green

shoes in your house again.

Finally, you get what I'm trying to tell you.

What do I do now?

Well, the first thing you do is you make India dinner.

her favorite meal and tell her how sorry you were and how you just want to do

something nice to make it up to her.

I made your favorite spicy pumpkin soup.

Oh my goodness.

That looks delicious.

And what's the occasion?

I want you to be happy. And if it makes you happy to date a woman, that woman,

then that's fantastic.

Well, darling, that is just excellent news.

And, you know, you should really look on the bright side.

Now you can have two mommies.

So, tell me, what qualities attract you to Jane?

Well, she's smart, and she listens to me, and she makes me feel wanted.

That's all?

Well, um, some things are meant...

secrets. I can handle it.

I'm an adult.

Let's just say she makes me feel, um, she makes me

feel sexy.

A woman makes you feel sexy?

It doesn't matter that she's a woman. Her soul speaks to mine.

Well, just an FYI, all of those qualities are traits that I possess.

Well, yes, but minus the sexy part.

You don't think I'm sexy?

You're a beautiful girl. Woman.

I'm a beautiful and sexy woman, right?

Honey, look, I've had a really long day.

Well, I think you're sexy.

I'm not ashamed to say that I've even masturbated to the pictures I took of

at the holiday party.

Tell me you haven't thought about being with me.

Maybe just even kissing me.

Zoe, this is completely inappropriate.

I just wish that you could be happy for me.

And know that you're always going to come first. Always. Come.

I've never actually come from a woman before. Is

it the same as with a man?

No. Yes.

I mean, the end result is the same, but the journey...

A little different.

By the way, this table is an heirloom, so... Oh, how is the journey different?

You want me to be nice to Jane, right?

Yes, I do.

I want a kiss, then. Just one.

And I swear to God that I'll be nice to that woman.

No, that wasn't a real one. I want a real kiss.

You know, why don't you ask your girlfriend, Shiloh, too?

I'm sure she'd be happy to do that for you.

Please.

Kiss me like you kissed Jane.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

No.

Zoe, we cannot do something that we're going to regret later. You can't marry a

woman if she's the only woman you'd be in love to.

Zoe.

No expectations, no pressure.

We're just two super hot women who love each other but are pretending to be in

love with each other.

Don't think. Just.

Mmhmm

I'm so shy.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna make you cum.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Amen.

in your bed tonight?