Original subtitles

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[speaking in foreign language]

[sighs]

[speaking in foreign language]

[instrumental music]

Katie?

- Honey, please. - Hmm?

You know how I feel about it in the morning.

[music continues]

[operatic singing]

Dear?

You always at the shower when I'm shaving?

Do you always have to shave when I'm showering?

- Touche. Listen. - What?

Don't forget, tonight is

the bar association dinner at the Waldorf.

- Oh, no, is that tonight? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, gosh, I got an exam tomorrow and a paper to write..

- Excuse me. - Listen, what are you..

What are you trying to prove?

Between NYU and your shrink

and your lectures at the Guggenheim

and your photography, Monday night

is the only time I get to see you.

Oh, come on, stop exaggerating.

Listen, I want you to understand that

I am sick and tired of going on like this.

Fine.

What?

Sick and tired?

Katie, let's get married.

Lou, why the rush?

What do you mean, why the rush?

I've been sleeping over Monday nights

for two years.

I wanna wake up next to you on Tuesday.

And Wednesday and Thursday and Friday--

Honey, honey, why-why can't

we leave things the way they are, huh?

'Cause I love you.

And I love you too but..

I just don't wanna go through that again.

Alright, so your life with Les was awful

but it couldn't have been that bad?

Oh, no.

You try being married to a compulsive

gambling, oversexed girl chaser.

I am married to him.

Try being his wife, not his lawyer.

I am practically as close.

Hmm, interesting, I never caught him

sneaking around with other lawyers.

Look, I'm with him all the time.

And I'm sick and tired of running around

like this behind his back.

Alright. Then, tell him.

- Tell him? - 'Yes.'

'Tell him.'

No, I can't tell him.

No, that would kill him, or he'd kill me.

- Lou. - 'I can't just see it.'

We are at the club playing Jin and I say to him.

"Oh, Les, by the way I've been meaning to tell you

I-I'm sleeping with your wife."

Ex! Ex-wife.

'No, not ex.'

In that twisted mind you're still his.

And if there's anything in this whole world

that Les Bingham can't take, it's loosing.

[birds chirping]

[panting]

[panting]

[panting]

You okay, son?

It's just a stitch.

Well, take it easy, you'll live a lot longer.

[instrumental music]

♪ Will I take you dear ♪

♪ To have and to hold ♪

♪ Will I stay with you ♪

♪ Until we are old ♪

♪ Will I make it work ♪

♪ Best I know how ♪

♪ I will I will for now ♪

♪ Will you settle down ♪

♪ With you now and cheers ♪

♪ Will we share it all ♪

♪ The laughs and the tears ♪

♪ Will I me it last ♪

♪ For ever somehow ♪

♪ I will I will ♪

♪ I will I will I will ♪

♪ For now ♪

- Good morning.. - Good morning, Mr. B.

- Anything important? - Yes.

Valley Forge Industrial Park has been approved.

I told them you sent a nice note to the governor.

Uh, Luke Wyler called from Tulsa.

They can't find the electrical specifications

for the new shopping center.

- I notified Robinson. - Good.

Oh, Miami called. The check is in the mail.

It's about time. Now, what about the important stuff?

- Important stuff? - How did we do last night?

You blew the Red's of Pittsburgh.

I already know that. What about the coast games?

You won the double header at Oakland

and the Dodgers breezed.

Sammy owes you 32,000.

Oh, great. I'm killin' him. I'm killin' him.

What looks good tonight?

Uh, Singer's goin' against Hunter in town.

It's seven to eight Yankees.

Oh, I love Singer, I'm gonna bet a $1,000

toward 14,000 on the Angels.

And you could tie that into a Round Robin with the Pirates.

'They runnin' hot, right?'

Singer, Pirate, Dodgers, Round Robin.

'Anything else?'

Uh, yeah, how is our weekend?

Ah, how's our weekend looking in East Hampton?

Did you hear from Gloria yet?

She can't make it.

'What do you mean she can't make it?'

Means, she's not going to be there.

Did you speak to Joyce?

What about Slash?

All busy, or going away for the weekend, or some other excuse.

Well, I guess it's about time I expanded my operation, huh?

[telephone beeping]

What is it, Phillis?

(Phillis) 'Bingham's sister Sally holding on the line, from Washington.'

Oh, sure, put her on.

Mrs. Bingham's sister Sally from Washington.

Oh, great.

Okay, how much bread do you need?

- How are you, sweetheart? - Wonderful.

I've got the most wonderful news, you'll never guess.

You balanced your check book.

No, I'm pregnant.

Pregnant? What do you mean pregnant?

Never mind, I know what you mean.

I forgot to take the pill one night.

'Well, I guess we gonna have to do somethin' about that, huh?

No, Ralph and I want this baby very much.

Oh, well, that's different, I hope the two of you

are thinkin' to get married.

We're having a little ceremony Sunday at 3 o'clock.

Can you come?

You just try and keep me awake.

I gotta call Katie, um..

I'll see you Sunday, okay?

- Okay, bye. - 'Bye-bye.'

[engine revving]

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Well, uh...congratulations.

Exciting, isn't it?

Well, somebody sitting here?

No.

Been a while.

About a year.

Long.

No, I saw you in the theater one evening.

For one moment, I thought the girl

you were with was Sally.

But she'd never wear a dress like that.

You look great.

You lost a lot of weight.

If you call eight pounds a lot of weight.

Is that all?

Of course, I haven't seen you standing up.

Look..

...it's Sally's wedding and we're going

to have spend the day together

so why don't we just cool it, okay?

Okay.

It's okay with me.

[sighs]

Did I bought you that?

No.

A good hedge against inflation, what did it cost?

I wouldn't know.

You didn't ask?

It came from an admirer.

No, Kate! What is he a wholesaler?

No, a gentleman.

You mean, you really go out? With men?

Somehow, women have never appealed to me.

I'm not quite that liberated.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Oh, God.

This is the beautiful spot for chapel.

Yeah, it's a great place for chapel.

I wonder when they gonna build it.

I like it this way.

It's God's chapel and it's beautiful.

Well, what's the difference?

- A wedding is a wedding. - Yeah.

[music continues]

Excuse me.

"Agreement made, this 27th day of July between

"Sally Ryan, here in called party of the first part

"and Ralph Johnson, here in called party of the second part

'"to wit clause one'

What kind of wedding is this?

Shh, this is not a wedding.

Well, then, what is it?

They're signing a contract.

A contract, she's having a baby.

"The two parties to hereby contract

"and want to live together in the same premises

'"to share bed and board, bed to be defined'

'"as the place where they sleep and or cohabits..'

- Well, you asked for it. - Me?

All that strict stuff tryin' to bring her up

like you're ol' lady brought you up.

No wonder, she slipped the leash.

And you jumpin' on the bones, anything to move.

I suppose, if that's an example--

(in unison) Shh.

"Premises to be defined as a sight

"where in said bed is located.

'"While the parties will pool their resources'

'"the larger earner will retain the larger share of the income.'

Oh, I like that.

'"This agreement shall be in effect for one year'

"either party to be able to abrogate

that is walk away at each and any option time."

A contract with options, I don't understand.

What about the baby?

You better have a good lawyer.

Therefore, by the power of this agreement

and in the presence of these witnesses

I now pronounce you tenant in common.

'First party sign here and here.'

As notary public this seal expires August 1st.

I now pronounce this contract in effect.

You may kiss the party of the first party.

[applause]

I guess we oughta go over and kiss the party of first party.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hello. How are you?

- Sally, Sally. - Katie.

- Les, how are you? - I'm good.

- This is Ralph. - Congratulations.

- Nice to meet you. - This is my Sister Katherine.

- Hello, thank you for coming. - And this is Les.

- Ralph. - They raised me.

Terrific.

So how'd you like the ceremony?

- Wasn't that fantastic? - Oh, y-yeah, it was nice.

Just, one question. I..

What have you two got against marriage?

Everything.

Well, that's a pretty broad statement.

A contract's beautiful.

It's only a year.

It doesn't work, we let it expire.

Right, if you want it to go on, you let the other party know

how you feel about it?

Especially when the options coming due.

Not to mention the baby.

(male #1) 'Here it is, folks. Come and get it.'

[indistinct chatter]

Well, at least it's a catered affair.

[instrumental music]

[engine revving]

We were smart.

When the magic ran out, when the party was over

we did the sensible thing, right?

Oh, I'll drink to that, huh?

Still friends?

Oh, I'll drink to that too.

You happy, Les?

- Sure, you kiddin'. - Oh, really?

I mean, I-I really uh..

I really am happy, aren't you?

Oh, absolutely, you know, I'm free and..

Oh, I never have any migraines and I..

Yeah, I love every minute of it.

- Me too. - That's nice.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Everything's free and easy now.

No more, you know, forcing everything.

Forcing?

- Yeah, like, uh.. - Like.

I come home from the office

and you would force all that woman-talk on me.

Yakety yakety yak.

When all I wanted was a wet kiss and a dry Martini.

All that blessed silence. No more Howard Cosell on TV set.

No more beer cans all over the house?

Yeah, I have to admit it. I overdid the football though.

You know, what used to just drive me up a wall?

You're always straightening everything up.

You can't walk into one room without making a mess.

Oh, it was like living with the Lysol commercial.

[sighs]

I like a neat house.

I'll never forget.

The night I got up to go to the John..

...and you made the bed.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Evenin', ma'am.

Hey, Mr. Bingham, long time no see.

Long time, yeah.

How'd I've let you talkin' into this?

Simple. Both of us are starving.

Neither of us have a date.

And I got your loaded on the plane.

You didn't forget the egg roll, did you?

Egg roll, ribs, shrimp, Moo shu pork, bum bum chicken

and a beef with oyster sauce.

You're always order too much.

And you always eat it.

[instrumental music]

- Hi - Oh.

- You know, it's like old times. - Mmm.

You know, all things considered you're lookin' good.

Oh, all things considered?

Yeah, I mean, you're still pretty attractive.

Tact was never your long suit.

Katie, you are, you really are.

- You want an almond cookie? - No, I don't want.

Oh, no, Les, please! Please.

Katie, I'm gonna level with you.

You know all that stuff I told you on the plane?

Well, I'm not that happy.

I'm not happy at all.

Well, hmm, to tell you the truth

I'm not all that ecstatic either.

You know, when you looked back, we did have our moments.

- Yes, we did, one or two. - I'm still crazy about you.

- No, no. - Well, what is the big deal?

I don't know, it's just not right.

- Who says? - I don't know.

- Uh, me I guess. - Why?

It's too sudden.

Yeah, well, let's talk about it in the mornin'.

- No. - Katie, I'm tellin' you.

- You still turn me on. - No, it's crazy.

- What's crazy? - Well, this is our first date.

And, you know, I never mess around anything on a first date.

Katie, we've been married for ten years.

Well, we're not married now.

You gotta toothpick or some dental floss or somethin'?

It's in the medicine cabin.

You want me to get it?

No, I know the way.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Les?

[music continues]

Les, just what do you think you're doing?

Come on in the water's fine.

Get outta there!

Come on in, we'd do the dishes in here.

Listen, I'm in no mood for this.

Just, uh, put your clothes on and get out.

- First thing in the morning. - Do you want me to call the..

No! God. Oh, no.

'Are you alright?'

Back, I got the back.

Don't move, I'll call Dr. Isaac's.

[grunts]

Here now, don't-don't go away.

[grunts]

[humming]

(Les) 'Come in.'

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah, but you just cancel all my appointments

for the next couple of days.

Well, anything urgent, you know where to reach me.

No, no, you just tell Mr. Fisher that..

...when I get back he can bring his people over, okay?

Bye.

Maria, como estas?

[speaking in Spanish]

Mr. Bingham, you hurt yourself?

Oh, it's my back, nothing serious.

Doctor wanted me to go in the hospital for couple of days

but I said no hospital.

You miss me, mamacita.

I miss yomucho mucho.

You're my girl.

[speaking in Spanish]

Oh, but you like it, huh?

It is not impossible.

(Maria) 'How come you never pick up your stuff?'

What stuff?

I don't know a lot of stuff.

You have your poker chips, your swimming mask

your bowling trophy.

Ah, and your favorite, your football lamp.

My lamp? So that's where it went.

Hey, whose red bathrobe is that?

It's not yours?

Maria, when'd you ever see me in a crummy color like that?

Look, Maria, the senora told me that

she's going with some guy, a wholesaler or somethin'.

Don't tell me he's staying over.

It is not impossible.

You can level with me, she's not sleeping with this guy, is she?

Is she?

A man and a woman.

They have needs.

Son of a..

How do you like that?

Maria, Maria.

You and I were a couple of oamigos, right?

(Les) 'Well, you can tell me who is this character?'

(Maria) 'Who is this, who?'

(Les) 'This wholesaler.'

'The guy of the bathrobe.'

(Maria) 'I don't know no bathrobe.'

Maria, you still like to watch those game shows on TV?

Ah, si, si.

The passwords and the prices okay

'and-and let's make a deal.'

(Les) 'Okay, let's make a deal, Maria.'

'I got a $50 bill in'

'my pant's pocket over there.'

And it's all yours, if you can come up

with the rat's name who belongs to that red bathrobe.

(Katie) 'Maria.'

Si, senora.

Don't you have something to do in the kitchen?

Osi, senora.

Let's make a deal. That's low.

That's disgusting.

- Fine, disgusting. - Yeah.

The famous miss puritan. The famous miss..

Oh, you know I wouldn't mess around on a first date puritan.

'Carrying on like a sex maniac, right under my nose.'

This is my house, and I will do anything I like in it.

Oh, you admit it! You like it.

Will you please shouting? You're giving me a migraine.

Look, if you don't mind my being personal, lady.

When did you start liking it?

The day you moved out.

Ugh.

♪ Over there over there ♪

♪ Send the word send the word over there ♪

♪ Well that the boys are coming ♪

♪ The boys are coming ♪

♪ The drums are rum-tumming everywhere ♪

♪ So prepare ♪

♪ Say a prayer ♪

♪ Send a word send a word to beware ♪

♪ We'll be over we are coming over ♪

♪ And we won't come back till it's over over there here ♪

Yeah, hurray..

Caruso he didn't really sing that, did he?

- Oh, yes. I have the record. - Really?

Yes.

- Oh, God. - You know what I wish?

What?

I only wish that I had the guts

to audition for The Metropolitan Opera

instead of going to law school.

So would the neighbors.

[laughs] Right?

Bad girl sittin' in the park.

[laughs]

- Yeah. - Ah, oh.

- Sugar? - What?

[instrumental music]

Well, you know how expensive sugar is these days?

Let's do it.

I don't wanna wait any longer.

We can get married in Mexico.

Or in the Caribbean, Trinidad, anywhere you wanna get.

Oh, Lou, I don't know what to say?

Say yes.

[sighs]

I can't.

I mean, I-I can't right now.

I'm-I'm all mixed up, you know.

I mean, seeing Les again and S-Sally's wed..

Sally's contract.

So much of the past rushing up at me and..

Oh and I got a term paper due next Thursday.

Oh, the hell with the term paper.

Lou, please, I can't think straight at the moment.

Alright, turn in your term paper, get your C minus.

Just don't say no.

Keep the ring.

It's not us.

You and me. It's..

I don't know, I just-I just sort of can't

and please...don't force me.

But I want you to know, Lou

that this is one of the dearest moments in my life.

[door closes]

Well, well, we are home a little early tonight, aren't we?

What was it a quick bite and slam, bam, thank you, ma'am?

That is disgusting!

You are disgusting.

Well, that's me, Mr. Consistent.

Oh, God, oh.

Will you get that damn thing out?

[gasps] Ah, don't.

Thank you very much.

Slam, bam, thank you, ma'am.

[screams]

Have you ever discussed these migraines with your analyst?

What I discuss in the privacy of my analysis

is none of your business.

Well, it just occurred to me that

after all these years, there could definitely

be a connection between you're getting laid

and you are getting a migraine.

Will you get your dirty mind outta here

and just leave me alone?

You are brutal, sadistic, insensitive boar

and I just cannot tolerate it anymore.

- Oh, Katie, I'm sorry. - Oh.

I didn't mean to upset you like this.

When are you gonna let go?

When are you going to realize you've lost me.

I don't know.

I guess I'm still jealous.

That's what it is. I'm just jealous at this red bathrobe.

Katie, who is it?

Kate.. No, no, you're right.

You're right.

We're divorced.

We're free, we're two consenting adults

you can sleep with who ever you like.

It's none of my business.

- Do I know him? - Oh.

It isn't someone classy like Marvin Shanken, is it?

Oh.

Oh, if it didn't hurt so much, I might laugh.

Damn, damn, I gave you all my Darvon.

Now, what am I supposed to do?

Oh, how bad. I..

Let me give you a massage.

- Oh. - Oh, yeah.

It'll loosen up all those muscles.

Oh, you let old Doc Bingham

give you one of his magic massages.

You can't with your back.

Oh, no, look, I'm-I'm practically cured.

Oh, come on, are you gonna wreck your back?

Look, you get undressed

and I'll warm up the magic fingers.

Well..

Ow!

Oh, oh, that is good.

Oh.

You know what?

What?

It's our second date.

- You're bad. - Terrible.

Mm-hmm. What about your back, huh?

Oh, well..

Certain risks have got to be taken.

Come on, you're gonna wreck your back, Les.

I certainly hope so.

- You're an idiot. - Yay.

- Les. - Katie, I love you.

Oh.

[knock on door]

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]

How's your back?

- I'll test it. - Yeah.

It's fabulous.

How's your head?

Oh, it's clear as a bell.

You know, we may have made a fantastic medical discovery.

Katie, I have perfectly revolting idea.

- Revolt me? - Let's get married.

- Yeah, okay, you revolted me. - What?

Oh, come on, why spoil everything?

Are you kidding? Look, how great it is with us, isn't it?

- Yeah, it was marvelous. - Well?

Les, look, we haven't even seen each other in over two years.

So what?

So, uh, we could both fall back

in the same old neurotic patterns--

Katie, honey, I have to tell you, I'm lost.

I need you, Katie, I missed you last two years.

It just been horrible without you..

Katie, I just can't make it.

So please say yes, Katie, let's get married.

[sighs]

I can't.

Can't?

But I tell you what I might wanna try.

A contract.

[instrumental music]

Mr. Springer, the Bingham's are here.

Oh, good, have them come in.

Katie wanted to take this to another lawyer

but I said, "what the hell am I paying Lou for?"

(Lou) 'I was in court all mornin', just having a late lunch.'

Will you join me in a glass of soave.

Look, I got a million things to do this afternoon.

So can we get it rolling?

And, Lou, please, turn the music off.

Oh, Les, where's your soul?

This is Vienna, it's spring and love is in the air.

Alright music lover, how long do you want this contract to run?

What do you think?

Well, I don't know, what do you think?

- Um.. - My I make a suggestion?

Am initial period of six months

with the first option of five years.

Five years?

Oh, no, I was thinking more like one.

Believe me, Katie, five years will add

a certain stability to your lives.

A certain gravity.

Or else you can forget the whole enchilada.

I like it, five's alive. It's a nice round number.

Mm-mmm, no, I still think it's a little too long.

Look, if you can't make it together

for the first six months, then five years academic.

And forget the whole enchilada.

He's right.

Alright.

I mean, after all we are trying to make it work, right?

Yes.

Alright, six months, five year pick ups.

Now, I suggest a penalty of $500 for any and all violations.

$500? For what?

(Lou) 'Well, you have to put some teeth into the contract'

'or you can forget the whole enchilada.'

What is this "Forget the whole enchilada?"

It sounds like you don't want it to work.

Les, you really hurt me.

Now, perhaps, you'd prefer another lawyer.

Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad--

Come on, Louie, don't be so touchy.

$500 is fine. It just sounds like a lot of money.

(Lou) 'Exactly, it's supposed to hurt.'

Now to the terms.

Have you got your notes?

- Mmm. - Yeah.

Uh...let's see.

You start?

Oh, no, you take the first day and a half.

Okay, now. Um, point 24.

"Communication."

What do you mean by that?

Uh, well, communicating, talking, touching, feeling.

Oh, I'm gonna give you a little grab every now and then.

Uh, Les, I'm talking mostly about talking.

What we did so little of before.

Now, I-I don't want you buried in the Times

of breakfast and glued to the 7 o'clock news

the second you walk in the door.

I don't want it.

You want me to give up Walter Cronkite?

How am I gonna know, what's goin' on.

(Katie) 'We'll watch the 10 o'clock news, together.'

- Cronkite. - Ten o'clock news.

- Cronkite. - Ten o'clock news..

Or forget the whole enchilada.

Okay, but no cleaning the ashtrays every five minutes

and lining the garbage pile with my sports section.

And I want a cold martini straight up

when I get home from work at night.

One, not three so that you can go to sleep right after dinner.

(Katie) 'I hate to do it.'

'I propose we let Maria go.'

Let Maria go?

Yes, yes and yes.

Now listen I have been talkin'

to some of the young married people at school

and they all seem to think that there's nothin'

like sharing the house work to keep a couple together.

Let Maria go?

Let Maria go.

[sighs] Okay.

Okay, on weekends we share the house work.

(Katie) 'Everyday.'

(Les) 'Sweetheart, I work.'

(Katie) 'And I go to school.'

So...we do the light stuff daily

and on the weekends we do the heavy stuff.

- Heavy stuff? - Yes.

Well, vacuuming and waxing and, uh

'scrubbing the kitchen uh, the floors.'

On Sunday? That's my one day off.

Mine too, so we'll alternate.

So you take one Sunday and I'll take the next.

Katie, just how serious are you about this?

Without it, there's no contract.

Don't you see?

I mean, uh, when we were first married

that's the way we lived and we were very happy.

Okay, Lou, write it down.

'Togetherness.'

Let Maria go.

[instrumental music]

- Hello. - Hello.

Movin' in.

I thought you were in.

I was, but I wasn't, but I am.

Twelve.

Oh, 12.

Lou, did I hear right?

You're goin' to drop a contract between the Bingham's?

You heard right.

You're given up on Katie?

Ted, if they try to live up to this contract

they won't talk to each other for a 105 years.

You're not afraid you'll lose her?

I'd give Les Bingham about four months.

And then forget the whole enchilada.

Okay.

♪ Forget the whole enchilada ♪

♪ The whole enchilada ♪

[telephone ringing]

Yes?

Oh, I'm sorry, Hildy, I got carried away.

Yes, I'm sorry.

[laughing]

♪ If we try ♪

♪ I just know there must be many ways ♪

♪ To find those happy yesterdays gone by ♪

♪ If we try ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We can be the way we used to be ♪

♪ Remember how you look at me inside ♪

♪ If we try ♪

♪ What we've known ♪

♪ Is to wait in there made for us to share our love ♪

♪ Don't let love die.. ♪

[opera music]

Come on, now, you.

Come on, baby. Now, you make the move now.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Could you tu-turn that off.

I gotta..

Honey, would you please turn that thing off?

I gotta lot of money rindin' on this.

Come on, do it now.

Yeah, come on, now, pull up, pull him up.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Hey!

[instrumental music]

♪ What we've known ♪

♪ Is to wait in there for us to share our love ♪

♪ Don't let love die ♪

♪ We still have so much to give ♪

♪ And love can live ♪

♪ But only if we try ♪

Ow!

[instrumental music]

(Les) 'Katie?'

'Come on, honey, what's taking so long?'

Les, come on, at least let me get into bed, huh?

I got an 8 o'clock meetin' at the office.

You're messin' up the bed spread.

While we're on the subject.

I've discussed our sex life with Dr. Climburg today.

Swell.

And by the way, he agrees

with me about your sex problem.

My sex problem?

What sex problem do I have?

Well, Dr. Climburg calls it the protestant work ethic.

He says that a business man like you

acquaints sex with gettin' a job done.

Like, I don't know, you wanna hop in the bed

and get it over with because you got a meetin'

tomorrow at 8 o'clock.

The protestant work ethic.

Well, uh, he knows.

First of all, these people are comin' all the way from Paris.

- Yes. - Second.

It's a multi-million dollar deal

and third, I'm not even protestant.

Les, you're not aware of it

but you're in such a rush all the time.

According to you.

You make love like you're running for a Fifth Avenue bus.

Hmm, and I'm not catchin' it very much lately, either.

And since you brought it up, have you told that Nazi doctor

of yours for $75 an hour, about your problem.

What problem?

Well, you make love like we're playin' chess.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Well.. - I forgot who's move it is.

Okay, okay, if that's how you feel.

- Okay. - Uh-huh.

Oh, come on, Katie, let's talk it over.

No, let's sleep on it.

Okay, I'll try any position.

You know how I feel about that dirty talk.

[instrumental music]

[opera music]

Oh.

- Ninth inning, two out. - No.

Isn't it bad enough at home, do you have to drag

it all the way to a restaurant?

Honey, I gotta lot of money ridin' on this pitch.

Ooh, he filed it off.

Still alive.

No, he grounded out.

Transistor radios, you know I knew there was somethin'

I left out of the contract anyway.

That reminds me, this Sunday I'm goin' to see

the Catfish Hunter pitch against The Edge at the stadium.

I got a big bet on the game.

No, it's your Sunday to clean the house.

After the game.

You're allowed one game a week.

And you went Monday night.

Well, Monday was last week.

Sunday starts a new week.

Oh, any idiot knows the week ends on Sunday.

This idiot says, it ends Saturday.

- Sunday. - Saturday.

The good Lord made the Earth in six days

and on the seventh day he rested and that day was Sunday.

The day of rest.

Well, if it's such a great day for rest

why have I been workin' my ass off cleanin' the house?

I'm goin' to the game.

You do and I am leaving you.

Just don't wanna hear about it anymore, alright?

Well, we made an agreement. A new start, a new way of life.

And you're willing to throw it all away

for one stupid baseball game.

It's not a stupid baseball game.

It's the biggest game of the year.

What the hell are we doing to each other?

I make a quarter of a million dollars a year

and I'm scouring toilet bowls.

Can't we Maria back?

You never did understand what we're tryin' to do.

Okay, okay, you tell me, what are we tryin' to do?

Between the dustin' and the beds

and the mops and the toilet bowls.

What are we tryin' to prove?

It's togetherness. It brings us together.

- To do, to share, to feel-- - To scream!

Come on will ya, I'm a 100 and a quarter down.

I'm sorry, I just can't keep my mind on the game.

What's the matter?

Well, it's the damn contract.

You know, it's almost as bad as being married.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Look, it's only a piece of paper.

Why don't you and Katie get together and talk it over.

And you can walk out today.

Me quit?

You know me better than that Lou.

I go for broke. Eight.

Now, 24.

Twenty four, that's a triple blitz, my friend.

You made my day.

That's, uh, 180 bucks. You can mail me a check.

- I gotta go. - Hmm.

[instrumental music]

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, dear.

Oh, your cantaloupes fell down.

- Thank you. - How do you do?

Oh.. Oh, oh, oh.

Gee.. Wh-what a shame.

I better help you upstairs with this.

Oh, would you?

Well, of course I would.

I mean, after all..

Like I said, I can't thank you enough, mister..

Bingham, Leslie, but you can call me Les.

Jackie Martin, it's really very sweet of you, Les.

In fact, you saved my life.

Well, you know us boy scouts.

We're loyal, courteous, thrifty

brave, honest, trustworthy, lecherous.

And thirsty.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, well, maybe a quickie.

[instrumental music]

You make a beautiful martini.

Thank you.

I don't come on to a martini like this.

Katie just doesn't seem to understand my needs.

- When I get home-- - You don't have to tell me.

I know just what you're going through.

How long has it been for you?

Three years.

But it feels like three lifetimes.

I know just what you're going through.

If Steve only had half of you're understanding.

And Katie only had half you're...empathy.

That's such an intellectual observation.

You bring it out in me.

It's amazing.

I've only seen you a few times in the elevator

and I feel as though I've known you for such a long time.

It's that old double chemistry

you know, sometimes these happen

and you can't do anything about it.

You mean because we're both married?

Oh. I guess, I do.

Another?

Well, actually Katie and I aren't married.

That woman in the elevator isn't your wife?

No.

She certainly acted like it.

Well, we're living together.

- Under contract. - Contract?

- What's that? - The perfect understanding.

We can go out whenever we like and no questions asked.

That's funny. From her, I get super control vibes.

Do you mind if I take my sweater off?

Well, I can turn up air conditioning.

Oh, no, no, no, I wanna keep you at room temperature.

What's the big hang up between you and what's his name?

- Steve. - Yeah.

Well, it's, uh..

It's our sex life.

Not enough, uh, ballin'.

He's one way and I'm just the opposite.

Well, I could understand he's not ever wantin'

to let you out of bed.

I wish, it's just the other way around.

Oh, I can't believe it.

When we first met I was doing a little modelling.

Cosmo, Bou, Bizarre.

Bit on the Dean Martin Show

and I was Ms. November in Playboy, centerfold.

Hey, really?

- Would you like to see it? - Yeah, I would love to see it.

Just so happens.

I never met a Ms. Centerfold before.

Usually I buy the magazine for the articles and interviews.

They have wonderful writers, Hemingway and Steinbeck.

Well, anyway, like I said, uh..

One I first met Steve he was all macho.

And then we got married, and he pulled off a merger and..

...he fell in love with his business.

Now, I hardly exist.

- The protestant work ethic. - Hmm?

A lot of men are so insensitive

they treat sex like a business deal

and making love to their wives well, like they're running

after a Fifth Avenue bus.

Wow, that's heavy.

I just can't understand your husband.

Not enough ballin' to keep you happy?

Well, what about you?

Me?

Well, I've been livin' with Katie for ten years now.

With a couple of years off for bad behavior.

You know somethin'?

You're cute.

And very sweet.

And quite adorable.

- Oh. - Oh, no.

- Sorry. - It's-it's no problem.

- It's alright. - Oh!

"The Joy Of Sex" Well, I've heard about that.

It's beautifully illustrated.

Oh, well, it's, uh, pretty..

Explicit?

I was gonna say, on the nose.

Nose?

I think there's somethin' on that.

Look in the index.

Oh, this is too good to be true.

I got it because I thought it might help

things with Steve and me.

But did you ever meet him in the elevator?

'Well, he'll be home any minute.'

- Who? - 'Steve.'

- Steve? - My husband, he lives here.

Oh! Oh.

Well, I guess I better be going.

What? Do you have to?

Oh, yeah, Katie will be wondering what happened to me.

Funny, I had an idea you were separated.

Well, we're about to be.

You know how those things are.

Do you know a good divorce lawyer?

Only the best.

My attorney Louis Springer.

You can reach him through my office.

Just tell him Les said to call.

"Bingham Urban Development" all of that is you?

If you feel like having lunch ...or somethin' less fatting.

That's my private number.

I may take you up on that.

Oh, I almost walked of with this.

Take it, it may help loosen things up.

That's very neighborly.

Oh, when you're through, you can bring it back.

I'll do that.

Anytime.

Les!

Oh, hi. Uh, uh..

- Katie. - Yeah, oh, yeah.

Hey, I was so tied up in this book

I must have gotten off at the wrong floor.

Yeah, that's what I did.

Where did you get that?

The book? Brentano's.

Brentano's sells a book like that without puttin' in the bag?

Honey, it's a bestseller. Everybody's doin' it.

I mean, they're buyin' it then doin' it.

- You're loaded, aren't you? - Okay, okay.

So I had a couple of drinks at Brentano's.

I mean, uh, the office.

I mean, uh, with, uh.. The club.

- Who is Jacqueline Martin, huh? - How should I know?

Because, it's her book.

Oh, that 12th floor.

That little hooker with the French poodle.

You're having an affair, aren't you?

Katie, nothing happened.

Then you were there.

You use your head, if I'm knockin' off a dame

is she gonna give me a dirty book

to make things great in bed with my old lady?

What? You told her about our sex life?

No, I wouldn't go around tellin' a perfect stranger

my wife's frigid.

Frigid? Is that what you think I am?

No, I didn't say you were frigid.

I said that I wouldn't go around tellin' people that you were--

Alright, alright, then why did you say it?

Well, who knows? I open my mouth and it came tumbling out.

That's what you really think, isn't it?

Of course, not.

Katie, please, don't make a federal case out of this.

All that happened is that I met Jackie in the elevator.

- Oh, it's Jackie-- - Mrs. Martin.

Her arms were full of groceries.

The bag broke and her cantaloupes fell out.

Her cantaloupes are always falling out.

Just don't tell me you were in that porno queen's apartment

gettin' smashed and nothing happened.

Okay, okay, you wanna hear the truth?

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

We met in the lobby, and our eyes

locked together brimming with lust.

'She threw herself into my arms and locked her lips onto mine.'

And I got her in the elevator, stopped it between floors

tore her clothes off and I raped her seven times.

Now what do I say to that?

How do stop an elevator between floors?

Katie, look I got a couple of tickets

to the Opera on Saturday night

'cause I was sure you'd love to go and..

Here we are at each other's throats.

Now, what's the matter with us?

With you.

You're up to your old tricks again.

She means nothing to me.

I was just being neighborly.

I know that neighborhood.

Oh, honest to God, sweetheart.

Look, it was nothing.

I picked up her groceries.

We had an innocent drink. Okay two drinks.

She's a mixed up kid getting a divorce

so I gave her Lou's number.

She's saw me lookin' at the book

and insisted that I borrow it and that's it.

That's the whole nothing story.

You don't really think I'm frigid, do you?

Oh, Katie

[instrumental music]

Les.

[speaking Spanish]

[instrumental music]

- Oh, thank you. - My darling.

Honey, I've been thinking.

And you know, I think that the mature thing to do..

I mean, since, we both seemed to have a few sexual hang ups

is, um...well, why don't we go see a marriage councilor?

Pay him 500 bucks when we got this for free.

I just think we could both use the professional guidance

and I am willing to admit that..

I'm not as free about sex as you'd like me to be.

Well, we have all the answers in there.

Now, do you think we should turn to something special

or shall we start on page one and screw

our way right through to the index?

- Les-- - Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I apologies, you're right.

No more crudeness. I have it.

Let's start on page one and intercourse

our way right through to the index.

Honey, I'm suggesting a serious discussion.

- Yes, we, I-I.. - Yes.

I think so. Hey, hey, here's something we could try.

Come on. You gotta be kiddin' me.

- Why? - With your back?

Baby, when it comes to your happiness

my back could go 10 rounds with Muhammad Ali.

Am I going too fast for you slugger?

Now, Katie, you have just described

the premature ejaculation syndrome.

Very common in the American bedroom.

'It's the root cause for female sexual frustration.'

'Generally misinterpreted as frigidity.'

In regard to Les, you've used words like uh..

...speedy, impatient instant gratification.

All anti-septic words for commin' too fast.

Well, I have a couple of words too, like, passive, indifferent

doesn't move her ass.

What Katie's complainin' about, Les.

In your commin' too fast

you inhibit her from reaching an orgasm.

- Exactly. - Okay, okay, okay.

Again, a very common complaint.

Very common.

You see, most men are more easily aroused than women.

And unless controlled, reach climax too quickly.

'That's not necessarily neurotic.'

And when controlled, can be very satisfying for both parties.

Excuse me a minute.

Nancy, would you please bring in some coffee.

(Les) 'What are you talkin' him like--'

(Katie) 'Can't you please be quiet.'

What do you mean, "Please be quiet?"

We're in here to pay the guy for..

- Shh. - Shh.

This very discussion is symptomatic of

how these sexual tensions have infected your relationships.

I mean, they are the cause of discontent and open hostility.

- Well, that's true. - 'I'll be quite frank.'

Special treatment is indicated.

- Special treatment? - How special?

I'm gonna suggest somthin' that 100's of couples have tried

and have found successful.

Now I could recommend Masters and Johnson

in St. Louie, or the advanced psycho sexuality of Raunchster.

But your case seems more suited to doctors Magnus and Williams.

'Now, Magnus and Williams conduct a highly respected'

'sexual research facility.'

'In Santa Barbra, California.'

- Oh, this is very interesting. - All, the way to California?

'They have made an enormous contribution'

to our understanding of human sexuality.

(Les) 'Well, listen to this.'

Using psycho drama, doctors Magnus and Williams

contend that complete surrender to sexual fantasy eliminates

marital tension.

This isn't one of those places

where everyone runs around naked, is it?

Oh, what if it is?

The treatment takes two weeks and costs around $5,000.

That much?

Oh, sweetheart, what does money mean

when our lives are at stake?

I wanna think about this, okay?

Oh, you, well, how do you like that doctor?

She drags me all the way up here and now she's chickening out.

I just wanna think about this.

Surrender to sexual fantasies.

He needs a shawl, a heating pad and a hot cup of Ovaltine.

Ah, hold it, hold it please.

Thank you.

Oh, hi. Have you met my, uh..

Wife.

- Oh, you got married? - Mmm.

Les was telling me all about your contract.

It's so now.

Oh, yes. We're renow couple.

'And, thanks for the book.'

You're using it.

Yes, we're all the way up to sprain backs.

Well, it was so nice meeting you.

- Mmm. - Goodbye, Leslie.

Come on, Pierre.

"Come on, Pierre."

[instrumental music]

I'm sorry, I couldn't get a cab.

We have already missed the first scene.

I know, I know, Lou, but that's not really the reason

why I made the date.

Tell me the truth, is Les having an affair?

Les having an affair? With who?

You know who. Jackie Martin and don't play innocent.

You men talk. I know.

Well, so he's got something going on the side.

That's beautiful. Tear up the contract.

You mean, he didn't say anything?

Look, he loves you very much but

you can't change the habits of a lifetime.

Now, come on, we're late, we've missed the first scene.

I'm sorry, Lou.

There's somethin' I gotta try first.

What do ya.. I've got great seats.

You could..

But I've got great seats.

Hopkins versus Hopkins is rescheduled.

And Martin versus Martin would be in at 2 o'clock.

Martin versus Martin?

The Les Bingham referral.

Oh, Jackie Martin.

- Uh, Hildy. - 'Yes, sir.'

Get me Mr. Bingham on the phone.

I'm sorry, Mr. Springer

Mr. Bingham will be out of the city for two weeks.

Well, how come he didn't tell me?

Well, he and Mrs. Bingham left rather suddenly.

But I can give you his number if it's an emergency.

Santa Barbara? What the hell are they doing out there?

Maybe I shouldn't say.

But if you're going to call

you're going to find out anyway.

Uh, it's that sex clinic

Magnus and Williams.

Oh, oh!

Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Donovan.

Magnus and Williams!

Magnus and Williams.

Hmm?

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Danny, Mr. and Mrs. Bingham will be in bungalow 58.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, I'll just check the equipment.

Equipment?

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[water gurgling]

[music continues]

I'll bring your luggage in a few minutes.

- Oh, great. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Well..

...have a nice day.

[whistling]

I don't remember seeing any of this in the brochure.

Oh, how could a brochure do justice to this place?

- It's great. - Great. Just great.

Oh, look at this, body cream

a vibrator, polaroid camera.

What's this? This? What is that? What is that?

I don't know, maybe there is an instruction book.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna see it.

I don't wanna see it.

I'm not sure I like any of this.

Oh, keep an open mind.

What do you suppose the ladder's for?

I don't know, but my mind is racing.

I think I'm getting a migraine.

Oh, Katie, please, relax.

I'll never know why I let you talk me into this.

Well, who dragged who to the marriage counselor?

Oh, you didn't, but to come all the way to California

for whatever this is.

Well, whatever this is gotta be

better than whatever it was.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, of course, right away.

We have an appointment with doctors Magnus and Williams.

- We do? - Right away, sweetheart.

Premature ejaculation syndrome, here we come.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Sweetheart.

Yes.

Goodbye.

Dr. Magnus, the Binghams. Katie and Les.

- Hello. - How'd you do, doctor?

Nice to meet you, now, let's make it Les and Katie

make it very informal, shall we?

Uh, Dr. Morrison's evaluation

of your problems has been very helpful.

Now, Dr. Williams and I have agreed on your treatment.

The next week or so, you're going to try some

very uninhibited behavior.

But if you're free and adventurous enough

we should send you home to a new and happier life together.

Yes, in your case we've decided to delay the psycho-drama

and start with one session of erogenous re-orientation.

What does that mean?

(Magnus) 'We have to rid you of certain inhibitions.'

This report indicates a strong tendency in you Katie to-to

to cover up, to withdraw.

'Tell me...are you ashamed of the secret parts of your body?'

Well, uh, a woman--

Quickly, give me another word for sexual intercourse.

Fornication.

Another.

Coitus.

Another.

Copulation.

A four letter word.

Uh...love?

(Magnus) 'Another.'

- Mate. - 'Another.'

Try, hump.

I'm not asking you.

'Well, come on.'

A four letter word.

- Screw. - That's five.

Four letter word.

I don't know it.

You've seen it written on walls.

No, I haven't seen it.

- What's the word? - I don't know.

- You do. - I don't.

- Come on, say it, say it. - Al..

Alright! Fuck!

I'm.. Fuck. I'm sorry.

God.. Fuck.

(Magnus) 'There.'

I'm just.. I'm sorry.

Hey, you see..

...the sky didn't fall in.

Now, why can't you say a simple word

that every school child knows.

An Anglo Saxon word for a very normal function.

Well..

Momma brought me up very strictly.

Oh, I remember..

...when I was 14 years old

I was going to this party

and I wanted a pair of patent leather shoes.

And momma said, no because

the boys would look down at the reflection

and see up under my skirt.

You never told me that.

And didn't momma give you any sex instruction?

With my mother? Are you kidding?

Oh, no.

Her look implied that

it was something unmentionably dirty.

I remember the first time I had sexual intercourse.

Afterwards I must have bathed half a dozen times.

That's my wife, either she's cleaning

ash trays, or takin' a bath.

Well, it wouldn't hurt you to take a bath occasionally

before we go to bed.

Well, who can get near the tub?

Did it ever occur to you to take a bath together?

- Together? - 'Together?'

(Williams) 'A new shared experience.'

Just imagine, two bodies..

...touching, feeling.

Exploring in warm, soapy water.

(Les) 'Oh.'

Ooh.

Les, where are you, huh?

What do you suppose that ladder's for?

Two of us in there?

Yeah. What you see is what you get.

Okay, baby, move your tush, I'm gettin' in.

(Katie) 'Oh. Le-Les, come on.'

'You're spillin'.. Oh, no.'

Ooh.

Oh.

[chuckles] For $5000 this is pretty silly.

Put a movie camera down there it'd make

a sensational Jacques Cousteau film, wouldn't it?

Shouldn't we be doing something?

- With what? - Well, I don't know.

We're supposed to be two bodies

touching and feeling and exploring.

Well, I'll tell you one thing we'd have done

a lot better on the ladder.

Oh, God.

Oh. Ow!

The water's getting cold. Can you reach the faucet?

Uh-huh.

(Katie) 'What're you doing? Oh, my God!'

What did you do? It's cold

What did you do?

[both chuckling]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, come on, kiddo, we've got

a 10 o'clock appointment with the doctors.

I didn't sleep a wink.

Didn't you hear what was going on-on all night long in there?

Oh, yeah. They must be about $2000 ahead of us.

Oh, I'm having a migraine.

Well, we're here to cure that.

I'll see ya after your session.

Hey, I got it!

It's for a lady midget and Will Chamberlain.

You get a move on.

Ow.

[woman groaning]

Ow.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Bingham.

I hope you are feeling better.

Yes, I'll tell the doctor.

That was Mrs. Bingham, she's cancelled her ten o'clock.

(Dr. Williams) 'Who's next?'

A new arrival, Mrs. Jacqueline Martin.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're accommodations aren't ready.

Uh, would you and Mr. Martin care to relax around the pool?

Well, he's on the next plane.

We never fly together.

On planes or anything else.

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

Yes.

What?

Yes, she's right here.

Fine, thank you.

There's been a cancellation, Mrs. Martin.

Dr. Williams will see you immediately.

Well, that's just fine.

A lot of men confuse domination

with masculinity.

What they don't realize is that

true masculinity can be expressed through

gentleness, consideration and patience.

I know, doctor, but when I'm in the starting gate

and they drop the flag..

...I'm off and running.

That lack of consideration is what turns Katie off.

Well, sometimes I try to slow it down.

How?

Think of other things.

Like what?

An automobile wreck..

Climbing the Empire State building.

Counting from a 100 backwards.

And then what happens?

Well, I get to about 84

and I say, "To hell with it."

So what's the answer, doc?

Well, we have a technique that'll do two things

it'll hold you back

and it'll bring Katie up to your peak

of sexual excitement.

- Great. - It's called role-playing.

Sexual psychodrama.

What do we do?

You and your partner, are going to play some

childhood sex games.

You mean, like, spin the bottle?

I'd try for more sophisticated.

Mrs. Martin..

...your husband's sexual repression is very typical

in the successful, young businessman.

I-I hope that's curable.

Oh, we've had remarkable results with psychodrama.

In other words, we'll expect you and your partner

to act out sexual repressions through

fantasy games.

Like what kind?

Well, we usually start our treatment with

the primary, familiar game like uh..

...Doctor and Patient.

No, kidding. Like, "You show me yours, I'll show you mine."

On a little more adulevel.

You mean, my husband and--

'Don't say, husband.'

No identity fixations.

From now on, it'll be you as the patient

and your doctor.

Nothing you do will surprise him

and nothing your doctor does will surprise you.

Because nothing

and I repeat...nothing that happens between you

is unnatural.

Just..

...me and my doctor?

Exactly.

(female #1) 'Harry?'

(male #1) 'Listen to me. Oh, no!'

[couple groaning]

Well, I'm terribly sorry Mrs. Bingham.

Let's see, uh, you're in 58.

Yes, I can put you into 60.

I'll send a boy for your things immediately.

Not at all.

Hello, I'm Mr. Martin. Steve Martin.

My wife checked in a little earlier.

Oh, yes, Mr. Martin, uh

let's see, uh, your room is just now being vacated.

In the meantime, you have

the next appointment with Dr. Williams.

- Dr. Williams? - Yes.

If you'll take the first door to your left

it's the first building on your right.

- First building on the right? - Yes.

I'll bring your luggage along in a few moments.

- Thank you. - I'll just turn on the lights.

Oh, no, never mind.

Um, listen, is-is there

a house physician on the staff?

Oh, yes, ma'am. Of course.

Well, I'm having this, headache.

Would you please ask him to come by

as soon as possible?

- Right away. - Okay. Thank you.

- Thanks very much. - Uh-huh.

Now, if you'll go back to your bungalow

change into something appropriate and

wait for your doctor..

I sure hope this works.

This is the last go around for Steve and me.

Not Steve and you. You're waiting for your doctor.

Right and I'm his patient.

Mm-hmm. Have fun.

Thank you, doctor.

Oh, Mrs. Martin..

...your accommodation is ready.

It's bungalow 58.

Oh, thank you.

Doctor and patient?

You're putting me off? I haven't played that game

since I was a little kid.

Well, I like to get the fun and games started

with doctor and patient, it's the best thing

to get the ball rolling. Pardon the pun.

Now, you should be about a 44 long, right?

- Right. - Here, put this on.

- Okay. - And I'll go over here.

And get the rest of your equipment.

See, there's your stethoscope and your Band-Aid and, your..

- Here's your thermometer. - My thermometer, huh?

Yes, and your fountain pen.

Oh, bow tie goes with it?

Yes, you just put that on.

Here.

Now, I want this to be your fantasy

of a doctor making a house call

on a lovely, female patient, okay?

Well, I love it. I don't know about my wife.

Don't say wife..

...say patient.

- Patient. - Yes, you're role-playing.

You must get used to the transference.

Right. Well, is that everything?

Yes, that's everything--

What about my beautiful nurse?

And my operating table? And some specimen--

Good luck, doctor.

Yes, thank you very much. Well, how about my

malpractice insurance?

Remember, doctor and patient.

Doctor and patient.

'I am a doctor. I am looking for my patient.'

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

- Who is it? - 'It's the doctor.'

Just a minute.

[water gurgling]

Come in, doctor.

Jackie?

Les Bingham?

What're you doin' here?

Steve and I are trying to work things out.

Katie and me too.

Is this wild?

Gee, what a co-incidence.

Then, I'm in the wrong place, I'm supposed to be in 58.

This is 58.

But Katie is supposed to be here.

I don't know, they put me in here.

Not your wife..

...your patient.

Not your husband..

...your doctor.

Well, let's see.

For beginners, uh..

...how do you feel?

Oh, doctor, I'm so glad you're here.

I feel just awful.

Well, suppose you just tell the doctor all about it.

Well, I've been having this trouble with..

...with my breathing.

Beautiful.

Oh, that's too bad.

How long has this been going on?

For quite some time now.

Oh, oh.

Well, uh..

...we better look into this, young lady.

Oh, ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh, tch tch tch.

- What is it? - Yummy, yummy.

Now, take a deep breathe.

[breathing deeply]

Phenomenal.

Again.

Oh, oh.

And once again.

- Doctor. - Yes?

Have you found anything?

No, but I'll tell you what.

You lose it and I'll find it.

Oh, yes, I'll prescribe some medication immediately.

Oh, doctor, I hope you aren't going to

make me take this medication all alone?

Well, perhaps I'll join you.

Just this once.

Actually we brain surgeons operate in much better

slightly smashed.

Well, you are the doctor.

Hmm, and you're the patient.

You know somethin'?

For five thousand bucks

this is one hell of a buy.

Hi, uh, I'm Steve Martin

my wife came in a little while ago.

- Where did you put her? - Oh, yes, Mr. Martin.

It looks like, uh..

Yes, you're in bungalow 60.

Ah, bungalow 60.

Here's your key.

Bungalow 60. Thank you.

You're welcome.

[instrumental music]

(Katie) 'Who is it?'

It's, uh, it's the doctor.

'Oh, good. Come in.'

Oh, uh, I-I'm sorry.

'Oh, doctor, would you please close the door?'

The light is killing my eyes.

Uh, I-I think I'm supposed to be in bungalow number 60.

'This is 60, and, doctor, my head is killing me.'

The door. Door please.

Thank you.

(Steve) 'Uh, could you, uh..'

'Could you please, uh, put on the light?'

(Katie) 'Oh.'

'Yeah, oh.'

'Oh, oh dear, I pressed the wrong button.'

There.

You're...You're the patient?

Yes. I'm having one of my migraines.

I cannot seem to find my pills.

You see my doctor, Dr. Ralph Isaacs

you may have heard of him, anyway..

- Well, yeah. - Yeah.

He usually prescribes about

three quarter grain Meratol

with, um, two milligram

Phenabarbital, no, I think it's two milligram.

And, I don't know, anyway..

He says that my hypertension causes

a vascular spasm that allow--

You really throw yourself into into it, don't you?

Huh?

Well, um..

Uh, you say, um..

...that these attacks are..

...really cause the tension?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Well, uh..

We'll just have to..

...relieve all that tension, won't we?

Yeah, anything, anything.

I mean, I'll do absolutely anything.

You see, this is...my first time.

- Oh, your first time? - Well, I mean, here.

And I seem to have certain inhibitions about all of this.

You know, what I mean? Next door and--

Would you, uh, take a deep breathe, please?

[breathing deep]

Mm-hmm.

Again.

And again.

[Steve breathing deep]

Again.

[both breathing deep]

Beautiful.

- Beautiful. - Okay.

Tension.

Tension.

Now.

Would you mind, uh, removing your clothes?

My clothes?

Why, naturally.

But, doctor, all I've got is a headache.

Well, if I'm really going to examine you..

Wh-what are you going to examine?

Everything.

Well, um..

...with Dr. Isaacs usually I-I wear something.

Sure, a towel?

A negligee?

Black garter belt?

Well, sure.

Anything that makes you comfortable.

Are you sure that this is absolutely necessary?

- Absolutely. - For a migraine?

Well, who knows what else we may find.

Oh.

Migraine, huh?

Migraine.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[water gurgling]

[water gurgling]

[music continues]

Doctor, what're you doing?

I'm packing you're appendix in ice.

But they're not my appendix.

Well that's a crazy place for your tonsils.

[music continues]

Is the patient ready?

Here comes the doctor.

[Katie screaming]

(Steve) 'Oh, hey, if you don't like vodka'

I have some scotch, if you-if you want.

[Katie screaming]

[Katie screaming]

Katie!

[Steve screaming]

(Les) 'Katie!'

Oh, what're you.. What're you doing?

Oh.. Uh, nothing unnatural.

- And with her? - Nothing happened.

We didn't even get around the, "You show me yours

'I'll show you mine."'

I'm sick of seeing yours.

And you! You act.. You planned this, didn't you?

No, no, no, Katie

this is just a horrible co-incidence.

Hey, hey, that was a hell of a thing to do back there--

Oh, don't come near me.

Katie, look they're.. These people are just patients

of the clinic, like us.

Oh, you're playing, Doctor with Steve.

'You know, we could've all stayed home'

'and saved a fortune?'

Who the hell is that guy?

Oh, that's Bingham, Urban Developments from upstairs.

And his former wife!

I don't think she's very happy.

Here's a picture of your wife.

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, that's not bad.

Les, listen to me.

It isn't today, it isn't yesterday

it's all-it's all been piling up.

But, honey, I've been trying. I really have. You know that--

I'm not blaming you. I'm not blaming you.

Look, it's my fault, just as much as it is yours.

So why don't we just do the sensible thing?

Why don't we quit while we're still ahead?

What're you talking about?

I mean, while we still like each other.

While we still respect each other.

Well, maybe in our own ridiculous way..

...maybe we even love each other.

Well, of course we love each other. You know that.

What's this crazy talk about quitting?

Look, let's admit it, right?

The marriage, the contract..

...the whole thing, it just doesn't work.

You really mean that?

We've tried. We've tried twice.

So why don't we be grown up?

Why don't we accept defeat?

Katie, I just can't accept that. I just won't.

Don't please.

Please don't. Just don't..

Well, if that's the way you want it.

(male #2) 'Hey, Charlie!'

It's in here.

Sorry, folks.

[melancholic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[buzzer beeps]

- Yes? - 'Lou, it's Les.'

'I'm coming up.'

'Oh, I have a terrible cold.'

'It's very important.'

Alright.

[coughing]

Oh, oh, oh.

[doorbell buzzes]

[instrumental music]

[bell buzzing]

It's all over between Katie and me.

Oh.

'Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.'

Yeah, Magnus and Williams was a disaster!

Jackie Martin shows up. How the hell do you figure that?

Well...just an unfortunate coincidence.

Lou, you gotta help me.

I don't know what to do.

I still love that hard-nosed little dumpling.

Look, the three of us practically grew up together.

You know her. Why?

Why wont she at least sit out the remainder of the contract?

Who knows? She's a woman.

What's her rush to end it?

Lou, you don't suppose she's got another guy?

Well...anything is possible.

That's the only thing that makes sense to me.

She's got another guy! God damn it!

I'm gonna hire a detective and find out who he is.

- Where's your phonebook? - Ah..

- Where's your phonebook? - Alright..

I'm gonna find out who's gettin' in her pants

if it's the last thing I do, Lou.

Wait a minute, don't do anything you might be sorry for.

What do you mean sorry?

Your liable to find out something

that you don't wanna find out.

Oh yeah? Like what?

Like maybe he's younger than you

or more attractive or greater in bed.

Come on.

Where's she gonna come up with a winner like that?

I'll tell you I'm gonna find out

who lover boy is, I'm gonna get a gun

I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna kill her

I'm gonna kill everybody!

Calm down, relax. You're not gonna get a gun.

You're not gonna kill him or kill anybody.

- Oh no? - No.

As far she's concerned

you forget the whole enchilada.

because she's not worth it, no woman is.

Do you realize what you have going for you?

You are rich, witty

sophisticated, a red blooded man's man.

You can have any woman in the world that you want.

Chicks, broads, Phillies

everybody just lined up waiting to see you.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll set you up with Dusty.

- Dusty? - Yes.

A little actress with a body that just doesn't not quit.

Take it to The Riviera.

Topless, bottomless.

Uh, oh, maybe you could wanna go to Japan.

Get over there, let the geishas lay a little soap on you.

Japan, huh?

I could make a pitch for the Mashitoma hotel.

Right off the whole trip.

Yeah, Lou, there's a lot in what you said.

After all, I am rich, huh.

- I ain't bad looking. - Uh-huh.

I'm witty.

Sophisticated. What's the rest of that stuff?

A red-blooded man's man.

Yeah. Yeah, oh, she's gonna be sorry, Lou.

I'm gonna go to Japan and see the geishas

get some of that warm soapy water

I think I'll go right down to a travel agent.

Now that is the Les Bingham that I know.

Lou, you're my friend, I won't forget you for this.

Les, when it comes down to the bottom line.

If I can't do a little something for my best friend--

Forget the whole enchilada.

And screw her!

[instrumental music]

[dramatic music]

I'm sorry, Mrs. Bingham.

Your husband is over at Lou Springer's apartment.

(Katie) 'Alright, I'll call him there.'

Oh, you won't be able to reach him there

I've tried several times but the phone's out of order.

Thank you, uh..

Never mind, I'll..

I'll-I'll see him over there.

[instrumental music]

- May I help you? - Sure.

I'd like to see some information about Japan.

Mm-hmm, just what do you have in mind?

Red bathrobe..

He was wearing a red bathrobe.

That son of a bitch was gonna send me all the way to Japan!

He's the one who sent Jackie up to Santa Barbara

that son of a bitch!

He's been doing it to me all long.

[instrumental music]

[buzzer buzzing]

Shit.

Bullets.

Alright, Lou, say your prayers if you know any.

What the hell are you doing?

You knew, you red bathrobe turkey!

Look, there must be a million red bathrobes in New York.

Yeah, there's gonna be one with a hole in it.

Les, for God sake!

Confess or I'll blow your head off, Lou.

Alright, put that away, I'll tell you the truth.

You got three seconds.

[sighs] Alright, I've had it up till here anyway.

I have loved Katie ever since we did the Pirates

together at Roosevelt High.

You stunk that up too?

Oh yeah? You wanna read the reviews?

You had a thing going with her, didn't you?

Look, you were divorced!

I'll tell you something

the only reason I've ever hung around you all these years

is because I wanted to be near her.

And I am sick of it!

I'm sick of blowing golf games.

I'm sick of laying down perfect gin heads just to let you win.

- I'm sick of it-- - Let me win?

What the hell are you talking about, let me win?

You turkey!

I could beat you anytime I want!

Oh you can, huh?

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere!

Okay, turkey, get the cards.

When I'm feeling better, I'll be glad to take you--

I said get the cards and deal.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Thirty Four, 35...44.

That's game and that's it.

I want another one.

How many times do I have to beat you?

I said I want another game. Now deal, Lou.

'Come, you lucky putz, give me some cards.'

Les! Les.

- What are you doing? - Let go, will you let go?

- Are you out of your mind! - What's the matter with you?

[indistinct]

[gunfire] Oh God, oh dear.

- Oh my God, we killed him. - Where did it get you?

- Lou, where? - Hit my Picasso.

Picasso?

The woman with three eyes.

'She's got four now!'

Have you lost your mind? What are you doing with the gun?

Playing a hand of Gin Rummy with the red bathrobe

you've been bowling behind my back.

You're accusing me of being unfaithful, you?

You compulsive cantaloupe chaser?

I never made it with those cantaloupe.

Alright then what was that hooker doing at Santa Barbara?

He sent her to break us up, you did, didn't you?

Did Lou?

Yes I did, I would do it again.

- How could you do that? - I love you.

And I am now man enough to say it to his face.

I love her and she loves me!

Is that what you came up here for, a quickie before lunch?

- Is that what you really think? - Yeah that's what I think!

Ah, well then, what's the sense of discussing anything

with an infantile anal retentive paranoid!

Oh, don't give me that Dr. Climburg bullshit

I get the message, with him you're Ms. Hot Pants

but with me you're an ashtray wiping

over-analyzed dead in bed virgin.

You asked me what I came up here for.

That's still the question.

I came up here to see you, Les.

Because I wanted to give the contract

one more chance but I'll..

The way I feel now, if I wasn't such a..

...ashtray wiping over-analyzed dead in bed virgin

I'd tell you to take your contract

and shove it in you know where.

And for you that goes double.

- Why me? I'm on your side. - No!

Wait a second? You can't just walk out like this.

Look, we got a lot of time invested in each other.

I admit sometimes I'm crude, Katie.

And I'm-I'm compulsive and I got this drive to win

that goes deep in me, maybe that's why I'm such a hot-shot

on the 37th floor and a loser at home

but Katie I'll do whatever you say, I'll see a shrink.

I'll stop betting, Katie, I won't be so crude.

- Maybe I can change. - No, he can't change.

- That man can't change. - I can change!

Oh, no, no, you can't change

change.

Look we're three neurotic people who like to be something else

but it just isn't gonna happen, alright?

So why don't we just accept the truth?

'Lou, I'm sorry but you're the perfect bachelor.'

'And you're the perfect chaser.'

I am the perfect ashtray cleaner

so why don't you two just go play your Gin

and I'll go home and clean my ashtrays.

I think we said it all.

It's a lay down.

I got six.

Forty seven.

[sighs]

Once a loser always a loser.

Look, personal and business don't have to mix.

I don't wanna lose the best lawyer in town.

Let me know.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[operatic music]

[gunfire]

[operatic music]

[groans]

[instrumental music]

Um...I, uh..

I thought you might wanna return this to your friend downstairs.

Keep it, I got her another copy.

Oh.

Yeah, we've been seeing a lot of each other.

Huh, well..

All the way up to page-48.

Well, I'm happy to hear that you're back

in such a good condition.

Well it helps when you're catching the bus regularly.

Then it's, uh...a steady thing with you two, huh?

Yeah, we see each other everyday.

Really? Really? How is Bermuda?

Who?

The doorman told me that they're Martin's made up

and they're in Bermuda.

Oh.

Well, uh...I gotta run, I'm late for work.

[instrumental music]

Les?

Oh...Les..

Best of everything, huh.

- Sure. - Oh..

- What's the matter? - Nothing, nothing.

Huh..

[door closes]

[buzzer buzzing]

Hello, dear.

Dr. Cronkheigz here.

And we just got an emergency headache call

from Mrs. Migraine.

[sighs]

I don't think Dr. Conkheigz has anything to help me.

Oh, yeah. We got here a sure fine prescription.

One-former girl chaser.

- Former? - Yeah, yeah.

Taken daily.

For the rest of your life.

Katie, I promise I won't chase another girl as long as I live.

Ah..

You know you don't mean that.

I know I don't.

But Katie...help me.

I can't live without you.

Please...I swear it on a stack of sex manuals.

[chuckles]

You are a very sick lady.

- I am sick. - Yeah.

Now, I prescribe that you go to bed immediately

with a very warm doctor.

- Oh God. - Right away.

[indistinct]

[instrumental music]

♪ Will I take you dear ♪

♪ To have and to hold ♪

♪ Will I stay with you ♪

♪ Until we are old ♪

♪ Will I make it work ♪

♪ Best I know how ♪

♪ I will I will for now ♪

♪ Do I want you dear? ♪

♪ In sickness and health ♪

♪ Do I plan to share ♪

♪ The troubles and wealth ♪

♪ Do I have the urge ♪

♪ To make you vow I do ♪

♪ I do for now ♪

♪ When I wake up ♪

♪ In the morning I know ♪

♪ How I've been today ♪

♪ And I can promise you ♪

♪ That no one else has ♪

♪ Ever made me feel this way ♪

♪ But to promise is forever ♪

♪ Ever and my love will never die ♪

♪ It's the promise ♪

♪ I will never change ♪

♪ As years and years go by ♪

♪ And that I cannot do ♪

♪ And neither dear can you ♪

♪ Will you settle down ♪

♪ With you now and cheers ♪

♪ Will I share it all ♪

♪ The laughs and the tears ♪

♪ Will I make it last ♪

♪ For ever somehow ♪

♪ I will I will ♪

♪ I will I will I will ♪

♪ For now ♪