Original subtitles

Fhi-de-ho, top cop.

Steve.

Yippee.

I'm looking for laura. Is she en casa?

She's out, and She made me promise

Not to tell you Where she was.

I see.

Well, this time, I'm prepared.

What is that Under your arm?

Hair.

[laughs and snorts]

Actually, it's A photo cd player.

Since you won't Tell me where Laura is,

I'll just entertain You with photos

Of my trip to The wisconsin Cheese festival.

Oh, god, no.

And the beauty Of this baby is,

Each disk can hold Hundreds of photos.

Oh, no.

Alright.

That's me About to leave For my dream trip.

My head is Starting to throb.

Here I am with herman, The king of crackers

And cindy lou huckstaff, The cheese queen.

Now it's chest pains.

And now let's see All 483 of the cheeses

That were entered.

We'll start with A chipper cheddar.

Now a succulent swiss.

A bodacious brie.

Steve, please.

A gregarious gouda.

A magnificent muenster.

A romantic romano.

Ooh! A perky parmesan!

She's at the mall!

She'll be there till 5:00!

Pink top, jeans, Black boots, and a purse!

I knew you'd crack.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then there must Be some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Okay, ma...

I'll see your eternity

And raise you a giorgio.

Okay...

I'll see your giorgio

And raise you A l'air du temps.

Too rich For my blood.

Here's your L'air du temps,

And I'll bump you A chloe.

Ah-ah-ah-ah. No fair.

That's eau de toilette.

We're betting Parfums here.

Okay, white diamonds.

I call. What do you got?

A straight. Read 'em and weep.

Ah-ah. No, no. Not so fast, slick.

I'm feeling A little...Flushed.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd swear she was packing Aces in her pantyhose.

* for he's A jolly good fellow *

* for he's A jolly good fellow *

* which nobody Can deny **

What's going on?

Big news, harriette! Big, wonderful news!

Tell her, son. Well--

He got accepted to Chicago university!

Yes! Ooh!

Ahh!

When'd you find out?

Tell her, son. Well--

This afternoon!

Ah! Oh!

And there's more.

Tell them The best part.

Well-- He got a scholarship, harriette!

Ohh.

Come on, everybody.

Let's go celebrate With some Hot fudge sundaes!

Oh, I'm so proud Of you, eddie.

Thanks, grandma.

We're all proud Of you, son.

My son is going To college.

You know, When you get your degree,

You'll be able To write your own ticket.

Carl, that's your fourth Hot fudge sundae.

So?

I'm celebrating.

I'm basking in My son's glory.

You keep eating like that, You'll be wallowing in it.

Oh, lighten up, Jenny craig.

I'll have you know This hot fudge Is nonfat.

The ice cream is nonfat.

And the sprinkles on top Are nonfat.

Everything in here Is nonfat.

Except the container.

Very nice, harriette.

Very, very nice.

Those charm school lessons Really paid off.

Oh, carl, guess Who I saw today.

Who?

Sergeant carnelli's Wife.

Oh. Nelly carnelli? Mm-hmm.

She told me that Charlie was studying

For the lieutenant's exam.

Oh. Really?

Yeah. She asked me If you were going To take the test.

And what did you say, Harriette?

Well, I didn't Know what to say.

I just said, Well, uh...

Well, I'm not taking That test, harriette.

Really? But why not, carl?

Oh, will you puh-leez Give it a rest?

What?

Harriette, you're latching Onto this like a pit bull!

Let go of it, For goodness sakes.

Carl, what are you Talking about?

Harriette, Stop nagging me.

Carl, why are you So upset?

I'm not upset!

I'm going For a walk!

But first I'm going to bed.

Here ye be.

Two chicken cheddar weenies, Two chili cheese fries

And a yummy chocolate shake For your daughter.

Um, she's not my daughter.

Granddaughter? Mm-mm.

A niece? Mm-mm.

I'm his girlfriend.

[snorts]

Oh.

Well, well, Have a nice day.

And perhaps you shouldn't Cross any state lines.

Okay, everybody, It's closing time.

Hey, eddo, It's friday night, my man,

And I'm feeling A little wild and crazy.

Really? Yeah.

What do you say We all pile into the isetta,

Cruise on down To lake michigan,

And skip some stones?

No, thanks, steve.

I don't want my weekend To peak that early.

You got a point.

Hey, waldo, you feel Like doing something?

Nah, I'm going home. Aw, come on, man.

Let's take our Minimum wage and Have some maximum fun.

Look, mr. Fancy pants, B.M.O.C. College dude,

Let's stop Playing games.

Let's turn our cards Face up

And call a turkey A chicken.

What?

Waldo, you got Some kind of Problem with me?

Yeah. I got A big prob, bob.

You going off To college.

You'll be doing new And exciting things

While I'm stuck Back here in a rut.

Rut? Don't repeat me.

I heard myself The first time.

Come on, waldo.

I mean, you'll be Doing fun stuff, too.

Oh, really?

Will I be pouring Mr. Bubble

In the university Swimming pool?

Will I be scoping honeys In tight sweaters?

Will I be seeing how Many of my frat brothers

Can fit in A pay toilet?

No, sir. No higher Education for me.

But, waldo, you could Go to college, too.

With a 1.0 Grade average?

Ooh. That's higher Than I thought.

The point is, You're going to move On with your life

And forget all about me, So it'll hurt a lot less

If we just end our Friendship right now.

Hey, good looking. Still booking?

What do you want, steve?

It's saturday night.

What do you say We pile into the isetta,

Cruise on down To carpet city,

And search the dumpsters For remnants?

Oh, just...Go home.

What's the matter, Pudding pop?

Well, if you must know, I'm a little worried About my father.

The big guy? What's wrong?

Well, my mom asked him If he was going to take

The test to become a lieutenant, And he completely Freaked out.

Ahh.

You know Why he did that?

No, but I want you To continue,

So I went, "Ahh."

Oh.

Well, is the big guy Still freaked out?

Let's just say He's treating us

The way he normally Treats you.

Ooh.

I just wish there was Something I could do To help him.

Uh, what your father Needs

Is a heart-to-heart Chat

With someone wise, Caring, and sensitive.

Yeah. You're right.

But we don't know Anybody like that,

So I'll do it.

Well, bye, sweetums.

Ow!

I think I broke my snort.

[snorts]

Hey, kid! You are Late with my paper.

[gasping]

Heck of an arm on that kid.

Top of the morning To you, big guy.

Steve, what are you Doing here?

Shaking my booty In your kitchen.

Flipping, frying, Toasting, and poaching.

What is that Awful stench?

Ooh, it's fresh flounder.

I made it Just for the halibut.

[laughing and snorting]

Fish for breakfast?

Yes, indeedy. It's brain food.

Why would I need Brain food?

Because you're Going to study

For that Lieutenant's test.

Steve--

Okay, okay, okay, Okay, okay.

Carl, I know why You don't want To take that test.

Get out. I'm right, carl.

You don't want To take that test

Because you have... Fof.

Fof?

Yes. Fof.

What is fof?

Fof is fear of failure.

Even the most Confident people

Have moments Of fofnocity.

Are you calling me A fofnaficator?

Fefinately.

Zap. When you're Feeling nervous,

When you're trapped In that emotional pit

Of doubt and despair, Steve...

That's when you dig deep Into your character

And peel away the layers Of cowardice, self-doubt, Anything,

Until you get down To the raw steel Of yes-can-do,

And then you Hot-dip that steel And fortify yourself.

Steve-- Now, carl,

[slurp]

Suck up that flounder, And let's hit the books.

Steve...

Go home!

Carl, I'm just--

Go home!

I have muffins In the oven.

Go home, go home, Go home!

I don't have to Take this. I'm going home.

Hi, steve.

Hi, estelle.

Your son here Is having a little Hissy fit.

Maybe you can do Something with him.

What's the problem, Carl?

Oh, there's No problem now.

The problem Just left.

Are you still upset About that lieutenant's Exam?

I don't believe this.

How does everybody know I'm not taking That stupid test?

Oh, calm down, carl.

No, I will not Calm down.

Harriette called you, Didn't she?

Yes, she did.

She doesn't understand Why you're so angry With her

For bringing up The lieutenant's Exam.

I'm not angry At her, ma.

Well, what's the problem, Honey?

I don't know.

Steve says I have This weird thing Called "Fof."

Oh, fear of failure.

Well, yeah, but...

[chuckles]

That's ridiculous... Isn't it?

Is it?

No.

He's right.

Mom, it's A real tough test.

A lot of Very smart guys Have failed it.

Well, that only means If you fail,

You'll be In good company.

But, mom...

Dad was a lieutenant.

And even though He's gone now,

I still want him To be proud of me.

Carl, I knew your father Better than anyone.

He was proud of you When you tried your best.

Yeah, but...

If I take the test And fail,

I'll feel like I'm Letting him down.

The only way you Could let him down

Is if you didn't Try at all.

Oh, mom, You're so sweet.

Bless you.

Waldo, is that you? Yeah!

Come on in. The door's open.

You sure?

Yeah.

[thud]

Ow!

Hey, you Tricked me bad.

Look...Thanks For coming over.

I mean, considering That we're not Friends anymore.

You're just lucky Lost in space Was a rerun.

Do I smell S'getti sauce?

You sure do.

Shall we pasta? Cool.

Oh!

Criminal.

May I?

Kick it.

Listen...

Waldo, the reason I asked you To come over

Is because there's Something you got To understand.

Just because I'm going to college

Doesn't mean We still can't be friends.

Oh, yeah?

My brother Renaldo geraldo faldo--

He had The same girlfriend All through high school,

But they went To different colleges.

They swore They'd stay in love,

But she met Another guy, And they broke up.

Waldo, that's not us.

I know. Didn't I say

It was my brother And his girlfriend?

And you call yourself A college man.

Look, For the past two years, All we've talked about

Is getting an apartment Together after We graduate, right?

Right, but now That's not gonna happen.

Why not?

Cause you'll be Living in some dorm Or frat house.

No way. I'm gonna Be sharing an apartment

With my best friend-- Waldo geraldo faldo.

But you'll be Getting up every day To go to class,

And I'll be getting up To go...Where?

Here.

The chicago Kill-a-canary institute?

No. Culinary.

The chicago culinary Institute.

The gourmet cooking school? Yeah.

Some of the top chefs in The country have studied there.

I know. You ever thought about going?

Are you kidding? That would be A dream come true.

Okay. Then fill out that Application and send it in.

No way. I'm not good enough.

Yes, you are.

I mean, sure, I grind My own nut meats, But...

Waldo... 'sup?

10 minutes ago, This was ketchup.

But now...

Mmm.

It's perfect.

Waldo, You got a gift.

When it comes to food, You're an artist.

I don't want To see you Waste that gift.

So fill out That application And send it in.

You can make Your dream come true, Man.

Thanks, eddie. You're a good friend.

Right back at you.

I'll fill this out Right now.

Good idea.

Let's see...

"Name."

Got one.

"Address." Got one of those, too.

"Sex."

Soon, I hope.

Hi, honey.

Hello, carl.

What's wrong?

Something came In the mail, and,

Well, it kind of Got to me.

Oh, harriette, I've told you A hundred times,

Don't let Those lingerie catalogues Get you down.

Those girls Are professional models. They starve themselves.

Carl...

It wasn't A lingerie Catalogue.

It was the results Of your lieutenant's Exam.

Oh.

Well, I guess You don't have to Tell me the outcome.

Carl...

Uhh. I'm okay. It's okay.

I'll just take the test Again next year, That's all.

Come here. Come on, harriette.

You don't have to Try to cheer me up.

I'm not.

It's just that I've always wanted

To kiss a lieutenant.

What?

You mean--

I did it! I did it!

Here you go, ma'am.

Thank you.

And, uh...Here's Your change, baby.

You know, I'm curious.

I can't help but wonder.

Why are you Smiling at me?

I'm trying not to laugh At that stupid hat.

Goodnight, Mrs. Ostendorf.

Young man, My hot dog was overcooked,

My fries were greasy,

And my soda Was watered down.

See you tomorrow?

You betcha.