Original subtitles

[television plays]

Yes!

Yes!

Buenos dias, El muchacho grande!

Oh, look.

This poor soul Is watching television

The old-fashioned way.

'tis a pity He hasn't discovered...

Smellovision.

Smellovision?

Wanna know what it does?

Well, if it makes you Disappear, I'll take ten.

Sorry.

This ingenious device

Uses electrodes to convert

The visual images Transmitted from your brain

Into the appropriate smell.

In other words, What you see is...

[sniffs]

What you smell.

Ohh!

Go home.

Oh, come on. Let's slip This baby on.

Well, alright. Be careful.

Okay, let's cram This baby on.

I have ears, you know!

Ow!

Oh.

Okay, watch and whiff.

Ah, hawaii.

Mmm! Gee, steve.

I smell flowers,

Oh, and suntan oil.

This idiotic contraption Really works.

Oh, you're too kind, Too kind.

Let's see what else We've got.

Mmm! I smell prime rib...

Lobster...

Ooh! Potatoes au gratin.

Ooh! Banana bread!

Oh!

Hey!

Wha--wha--wha--

Wha--

Hey, steve, I smell burning hair.

Hey, that's me! Aah!

Aah! Get it off!

Get if off! Hurry up!

Get it off of me!

Aah! Aah!

Get out.

Can I have my helmet back?

Get out!

Aah! Aah!

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Richie.

Did you forget to Do your homework?

Aunt harriette, I'm seven years old.

You don't have to remind me Every night to do my homework.

Oh, sorry. Then, That means you've done it?

Nope.

But I didn't forget.

Move it.

Carl, we've got A problem with eddie.

Oh, no. What has Devil boy done now?

I was checking His clothes for The dry cleaners,

And this love note Fell out of one Of his pockets.

Love note? From who?

Latisha.

Oh, she's a knockout...

In a immature Teenage sort of way.

Carl, read this part Right here.

"Eddie, we were Foolish to wait.

"Last night Was so special,

"And now I want us To share this experience

As often as possible."

Do you think this means

That eddie Is sexually active?

When was this written?

By now he could be Sexually exhausted.

Don't make jokes. I'm upset about this.

I know.

It's weird.

You know, we worry About our kids growing up,

And then one day We realize they already have.

You need To sit eddie down

And have a heavy-duty Father/son talk.

I know, but whenever I talk about sex,

It's so awkward.

I mean, I get embarrassed.

When I get embarrassed, I start to itch.

Honey, just be honest With eddie

And everything Will be fine.

Harriette...

What if eddie And his girlfriend

Are fooling around?

Well, we'll just have To be mature about it

And lock him up In his room till he's 30.

Uh, edward, You got a minute?

Not really. I got To pick up latisha.

Hey, look, dad.

My skin's clearing up.

Sit down, son. We need to talk.

Well, what about?

Well, uh...

Um...

It's about, um...

Oh. About sex.

Yeah.

You gave me the birds And the bees rap

A long time ago.

Right, but what I want to know now

Is if you've Become an active bee,

And if so, how much Buzzing have you done?

Dad.

Son, we need To talk about this.

Why now, All of a sudden?

Your mother was Checking clothes

For the dry cleaner,

And she found this...Note

From your girlfriend La bamba.

It's latisha.

Well, read this.

"Eddie, we were Foolish to wait.

"Last night Was so special,

"And now I want us To share this experience

As often as possible."

[snickers]

What?

Latisha's mother Has a drinking problem.

She's been going To aa for help.

"Last night" In this note

Was the night I took latisha

To an alateen meeting.

Oh! That's it?

Yeah. That's The experience

She wants us To share again.

Well, good for you, son.

Thanks, dad.

Okay.

Now, let's get back To my original question.

I know that this Is embarrassing,

But I really Would appreciate

An honest answer, okay?

Okay.

[sighs]

Are you still a virgin?

Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Fine, son. Good, son.

I'm glad one of us Is happy about it.

What? You're not?

I'm probably one of The only guys I know

Who hasn't scored.

What's wrong with Sitting on the bench?

Plenty. It means I'm not Even in the game.

But, son, That's just it.

Sex isn't a game.

It's an important step,

A milestone In everyone's life,

And considering aids And unwanted pregnancies,

It can be a downright Dangerous step.

Dad, I'm not stupid.

I'd always Protect myself.

I'm very glad To hear that, son,

But there really is Only one foolproof way

To eliminate All the risks,

And that's abstinence.

Yeah, I know.

It's a lot tougher To be a kid these days,

But, son, the hope I have for you

Is the hope That my father Had for me.

What was that?

I hope that one day you'll Meet that special lady,

A lady as wonderful As your mother.

I hope you fall in love

And work very hard

To build a loving Relationship,

And then, son,

If you decide to express That love physically,

Well, then it'll Mean something. Okay?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Hey, guys, did you See what angela baskin Was wearing today?

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah, baby got back.

Let's hear it For tight sweaters And short skirts!

Whoo! Whoo!

[humming]

What am I, A bus accident?

Hey, urkel, what's With the paper shoes?

It's a low-cost way To prevent tinea pedis.

Tinea what?

Tinea pedis, Athlete's foot.

Good lord. Read a book.

Yeah, well, read this.

Ow!

Knock it off

Or I shall be forced To respond in kind.

Whaah!

Whooh!

Aaah!

Aah!

Whaah!

Okay, pudding for brains,

Make your move.

Whaah!

Hey, I got better things To do, alright?

I'm going to hit On angela at lunch

And set me up a hot date.

You got a prob, bob.

Weatherman says It's going to snow.

Mr. Cloud was Wearing earmuffs.

Don't worry. It'll be Plenty warm in my van.

Hey, jerry, I didn't Know you liked angela.

She's okay.

The point is She's the only girl In the glee club

That I haven't bagged yet.

You're pathetic.

I'm pathetic?

That's right.

You're pathetic.

Women are rare and Precious creatures.

They should be Placed on pedestals, Not bagged.

Where's My spray starch?

You wouldn't know What to do with a girl

If one fell In your pants.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Well, if you're Insinuating

In your own Cro-magnon way

That I'm unsullied, Pure, pristine,

Well, you're Quite correct.

Steven q. Urkel Is right off The showroom floor.

Yeah, right. Boo!

A real man doesn't Need to have sex To prove he's a man.

Well, your opinion Doesn't count

Since, technically, You're not a man.

Ha. Well, say What you will about me,

But no one here Will deny

That my best bud eddo Is a real man, right?

Yeah. That's right.

Well, it just so happens

That he's a virgin, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Come on now, guys.

You don't believe him, Do you?

You're not a virgin, Right?

Oh, please, This is me, baby.

Eddie "The e-man" winslow.

You know what I'm saying.

Come on now.

Eddie's A make-out artist.

He's a lady-killer.

He's a boodle-fakin', Skirt-chasin' love daddy.

Just chill out, Steve, okay?

But, why?

Just yesterday you were Talking to your dad,

And I overheard you say That you were a virgin.

Hey, man, Who are you saving Yourself for?

Miss right?

Miss wright?

Miss wright is Our math teacher.

Great caesar's ghost, Eddie.

She's 67 years old.

Yo, man, I'm out of here.

Man, I blew it.

What are you Talking about?

I revealed His girlfriend's age.

All in the business. It's all in the business.

Eddie?

What?

Why don't you pick on A sandwich your own size?

Don't mess with me, Laura.

Lighten up. It's not That big a deal.

Yes, it is.

Jerry and the guys are Clowning me big-time.

Eddie, let me Ask you something.

Why are you upset That the guys know You're a virgin?

Laura, guys are Expected to fool around.

Oh, okay.

So you're saying That guys are supposed To have sex

And girls aren't?

Well--

'cause that would be The end of mankind.

Eddie, why is it okay For me to be a virgin,

But it's not okay For you?

Well, because You're my sister.

Well, think about this.

All those other girls Out there

Are somebody's sister, too.

Look, the bottom line is

I haven't been With a girl yet,

And now I'm The laughingstock

Of the Boys' locker room.

Well, your friend Jerry's a hound,

And he's The laughingstock

Of the girls' locker room.

Hi, steve.

Shh! I'm hiding From myra.

The lusty lass has got The mega-hots for me.

Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen steve urkel?

No hablo ingles.

Very clever, estelle.

So that pretty girl Is myra?

Yep.

Laura told me About her.

She's the girl With the sick puppy?

No. Laura thinks Myra is a sick puppy.

But that's just Jealousy talking.

You see, the thing is,

Myra is very...

Voluptuous,

And she uses her...

Voluptuosity...

To try and get me Volupted.

My, my, my.

Well, the thing is,

Myra's made it Quite clear that--

Well, she'd like To do the...

Wiggle-wiggle-wing-ding.

You do know what I'm referring to, Don't you?

At my age, You hope for a wiggle,

But you settle For a ding.

Oh, my.

Well, estelle,

I'm just as anxious As the next guy,

But I want to wait.

I want my wedding night To be special.

Why?

My advice to you is Be true to yourself.

Go with what You believe in.

Now, if myra Can't support that,

She is just not The right girl for you.

Thanks, estelle.

You're swell.

Oh, bless you.

Love you.

Yo, gangway, I'm late!

Yo, where's steve?

Nobody knows.

We thought you might've gone On vacation together.

Vacation? What are You talking about?

I'm talking about Your favorite spot-- The virgin islands.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

The virgin islands!

That was really--

That was really Stupid, man.

You know, winslow, I'm disappointed in you.

We all thought that you Were a real ladies' man.

Now the whole school Knows that the dude

Is just a dud.

Well, you disappoint Me, too, jerry.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Man, you're a user.

Girls aren't People to you.

They're points On a scorecard.

Sounds like Sour grapes to me.

Nope. You see, I used To think just like you

Until I realized That making sweet love With a fine lady

Is all about feelings,

And those feelings Should be shared.

So if quantity Is your thing,

Knock yourself out, Buddy,

But me, I'm going For quality.

Aah!

Hi-dee-ho!

Steve, what are you Doing in there?

Hiding from myra.

A few minutes ago,

She actually Followed me in here.

Really?

It's a full moon,

And her hormones Are at high tide.

Let's go to gym class.

Wait, eddo.

I heard what You said to jerry,

And for what it's worth,

I'm real proud of you.

I know it's hard

To stand up To peer pressure.

For instance,

You may notice I take some ribbing

For the way I walk, Talk, eat, dress, think, Act, and laugh.

But I don't let Little things bother me.

I say, When you're right,

Man the torpedoes And full speed ahead!

[chuckles]

Whoa!

Yo! Yo!

Whoo-aah!

Whoo-aah!

Whaah!

Whaah!

Aah!

Myra!

Hi, steven.

Myra, this is The boys' locker room.

I know,

But I was Waiting outside

Because I heard That you had towel duty,

But I got so...

Impatient.

Myra, no, no. We need to talk.

Talk?

I can think Of a better way To use our lips.

[panting]

Myra--myra--

Myra, listen to me.

Listen to me.

Now, you're A tasty wench,

But I am an unopened Can of soda,

And I know You're thirsty,

But I'm not ready To pop my top.

So--so here's The bottom line--

If you're not Willing to wait

Till the proper Time to drink,

Then you put me back In the fridge.

You sure know How to milk a metaphor.

Well, I have to get My point across.

That makes me so hot.

No, myra, please--

Come here, baby.

No, myra, don't!

Myra! Myra! Myra, myra, please!