Original subtitles

Hey, waldo. I'm still waiting

For that Mighty weenie

And an order Of ribs.

Coming up, boss.

A dog and a hog.

What do you think Of this skirt?

It's fine. Why?

Steve says It's too short.

Ooh, girl!

Hot.

It's perfect. It's perfect.

Hey, buster.

Keep flirtin', And you'll Be hurtin'.

Yeah, right.

What?

What!

I told you that skirt Was too short.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Oh, laura, my pet.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm so Very sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Look at my outfit.

It's ruined.

I know.

Did I mention I'm sorry?

If I didn't,

I'm so sorry.

[crying]

Stop it!

Steve,

Whatever made you think

You could carry A tray of milkshakes 10 whole feet?

I guess I was having Delusions of adequacy.

Steve,

You are the clumsiest Person in the world.

Have you ever Gone a single day In your entire life

Without destroying Something?

Hmm.

Does in the womb count?

And clumsiness Is only part Of the problem.

You're also annoying And socially inept.

Gee, you're just Quite the cheerleader, Aren't you?

Help me out here, Steve.

Why are you The way you are?

Well, for the same reason You're gorgeous

And eddie is loaded With muscles--

Beadlike strands Of recombinant dna Called genes,

Arranged along The 23 pairs Of human chromosomes.

Right.

But...What happened To yours?

Well...

It might have Something to do

With the fact That the day before I was conceived,

A road flare went off In my father's pocket.

Steve,

Is there anything You can do To change yourself?

Well, why?

I like myself.

I'm comfortable With me.

Well, that makes One of us.

I'm not comfortable With you.

I've got Three flavors Of milkshake

Dripping Down my leg.

Steve, It would be nice

If you tried To change.

And it would be Even nicer

If you did it soon.

But...

[whistling]

Hi, honey.

Hey.

Is that today's mail?

Yep.

Anything for me?

Just bills.

[whistling]

I'm glad to hear The bills make you happy.

Why?

Because I'm going Shopping at the mall.

By the time I'm done,

You'll be thrilled.

Good one, harriette.

Hey, you want Some company?

You're volunteering To go shopping with me?

Sure.

And I'll even Treat you to lunch.

Okay, that's it.

What have you done With my husband?

It's me, your Little binky-poo.

Why is my little binky-poo In such a good mood?

Because it's been One whole week

Since I've seen Steve urkel.

For seven Whole days,

I haven't heard, "Did I do that?"

It's--

Oh, look, I'm being audited.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Can eddie and I Have a party Saturday night?

Sure, if it's just The two of you.

You and eddie Can go ahead and Have your party.

Excuse me?

Yeah.

Go ahead And party down.

Okay, who are you,

And what have you done With my daddy?

It's me.

I'm just footloose And urkel-free.

Come on, harriette,

Let's get you Some extra money So you--

Hi, big guy.

Oh, god, no. No, no, no!

I'll go get The bankbook.

Forget the bankbook.

Spend, spend, spend, Spend, spend.

That's all we do Around here.

And, laura,

There'll be Strict rules For your party.

Come on, sunshine. Let's go.

Good lord.

Malls.

Parking hell.

Baby strollers.

Feet hurting.

Life stinks!

Who put the starch In his tutu?

What do you want, Steve?

Well, I wouldn't Thumb my nose

At the nobel prize, Monkey doodle.

What are you Talking about?

And don't ever call me Monkey doodle.

Laura,

I locked myself Into my basement

And embarked On a series Of experiments

That will revolutionize The science of genetics.

Really?

Yeah. Thank goodness It was only a week.

I had to go to The bathroom real bad.

Steve, what is That stuff?

This chemical compound Will make me...

Cool.

You go on And drink that,

Then I'll show you My toothpaste

That turns me into Janet jackson.

Mock if you must, My little minx.

I found my cool gene.

It was a little Hard to find.

It was behind my genes For hammertoes And nasal drip.

But still,

I found it.

So I took My cool gene

And I doubled it.

And I doubled it again

And again,

Until I had 100 trillion Cool genes.

Yaa-ha ha ha!

Steve, you're scaring me.

Sorry.

Laura, this elixir Will improve My coordination,

My posture, My vocal intonation,

And I might Even sprout A chest hair or two.

First, you better Sprout a chest.

Steve, is that stuff safe?

Who knows?

Steve...

Tired of Steve urkel, Were you?

Wanted Someone better, Did you?

Someone...Cool?

Well, through The teeth, Over the gums,

Look out, Stomach, Here it comes.

Steve, stop!

Ooh...

Cool genes Taste like Snapple.

Ahh.

You okay?

[gargling]

Steve!

Steve?

Steve?

Steve who?

Steve urkel.

You.

No, no, No, no, no.

There is No steve here.

I'm stefan, Sweet thing.

Stefan urquelle.

Where is he?

I don't see him.

Where is Stefan urquelle?

Relax, k.C. He isn't Here yet.

How's my hair?

It's fine.

Fine? It's just fine?

For stefan it's Got to be perfect.

Do you believe this?

Just a few days ago, The world's coolest guy

Was the world's Biggest nerd.

See, eddie. There's still Hope for you.

[doorbell rings]

Move out Of my way!

Aw. Aw.

I told you I should've worn The other tie.

Food! Food! Food!

Do you believe Those appetites?

We'll be lucky

If they Don't eat The furniture.

If stefan doesn't Show up soon,

I'll explode!

I'll just explode!

That girls braids Are too tight.

Please, party on. Party on.

It's you!

It's really you!

Peace, baby.

Aah!

Wake up, sweet thing.

Okay.

Aah!

Oh, shoot.

We have some serious honeys In here.

Oh, this party Is the bomb.

Ohh! Aah!

Mm mm mm mm mmm!

Baby, you are worth Another trip.

Stefan, stop. You're embarrassing me.

Say my name again.

Stefan?

There's nothing sweeter Than the sound of my name

Upon your lips.

Hey, yo, stefan.

Yo, eduardo, my man!

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know That handshake.

How could you? I just made it up.

Harriette, that hair.

That dress.

If carl knew What I was thinking,

He'd arrest me.

B.G.

B.G.?

Well, big guy, of course.

Hey, are you losing weight?

Ha, a little.

Turn sideways.

Oh-oh. Where'd you go?

Steve...

Stefan.

Right.

Are your parents happy With the new you?

Oh, they love The new me.

In fact, they finally Introduced me To my grandparents.

[music plays]

Stefan.

Would you like To dance?

Oh, of course.

But later.

I'd like the first dance To be with my lady love.

Hi, honey.

Hi, sweetheart.

What's the matter?

Joey gonzalez got shot Tonight.

Oh, my god!

Is he okay?

Yeah. We think He's going to make it.

What happened?

Routine traffic stop.

Joey asked the driver For his license And registration,

And the guy just shot him.

Unbelievable!

Yep. Joey was lucky.

The doctor said if it had Been an inch to the left,

Joey would've been dead.

Are you going To be alright?

I guess.

Come on, sweetheart, Tell me the truth.

Do I look better At 131 pounds or 132?

Stefan, I told you At dinner.

I prefer 132.

Really? 'cause I feel So bulky.

What's wrong?

A policeman Was wounded tonight.

He's a friend Of your father's.

Oh, daddy, I'm sorry.

Would you like to go To the hospital?

Yeah, I would.

Some of the guys Will be there.

Ma, call me if there's Anything I can do.

Alright, sweetie.

Well, the storm clouds Are gone.

Care to cuddle up With a little ray Of sunshine?

Don't you care at all

About what happened To my dad's friend?

Don't you have any feelings?

Well, of course I do.

But when I find myself

Burdened by the troubles Of the world,

I try to cheer myself up

By thinking about all The wonderful clothes I own.

Stefan, we have to talk.

Oh?

I never thought I'd say this In a million years,

But...

But what?

I miss steve urkel.

Why?

Because he had feelings.

He cared about people.

Face it, stefan, Numero uno on your list

Is you.

Can you blame me?

Yes!

Look at me.

I'm incredible.

Good-looking, charming...

Suave and cool.

That's it.

I want steve back.

Steve was an annoying, Clumsy nerd.

A man would have To be crazy To go back to that.

Oh.

Or in love.

What do you mean?

This is the antidote To the "Cool" elixir.

I call it The elixir fixer.

Will that make You steve again?

Or the village idiot.

It's never been tested.

Wait. Don't do it If it's dangerous.

Laura, I've been Stefan urquelle For a week.

And I've got All the things I've always wanted--

Friends, fame, And popularity.

But if I don't have you,

I have nothing.

Enchante. Got any cheese?

Table for two.

Did I do that?

Yo, sweet thing.

Whoa, mama!

Are you okay?

No sweat, my pet.

Oh, I'm fine. Heh heh heh.

[snorts]

I never thought I'd be so glad to hear Such an annoying sound.

That's not very nice.

But I forgive you.