Original subtitles

Ah, oh, ah...

Ah, ah...

Ooh, aah!

Oops.

Quel faux pas.

Steve, you don't have To carry my books.

Oh, no, I want to.

Besides, Carrying extra books

Helps increase My awesome muscle mass.

Does this get you All hot and bothered?

Well, one Of those.

Well, here. Check out my deltoids.

Oh, lord, Somebody hose me down.

Myra?

Hello, steven.

Laura.

Well, what are you Doing here?

Yeah. You go to A private school.

Not anymore.

I just transferred here.

Well, you did? Why?

Because this school Has something

My other school doesn't.

Well, what's that?

You, my adonis In suspenders.

Aah!

Ohh.

Ooh hoo hoo hoo!

Myra...

Look, I know We've gone out A few times, but...

Don't you think Transferring To my school

Is just a bit...

Pushy?

Well, I'm just Protecting what's mine...

From hungry eyes And sticky fingers.

[bell rings]

Settle down, class.

Take your seats.

Class, we have A new student--

Myra monkhouse.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome to vanderbilt, Miss monkhouse.

Thank you, sir.

Vir sapientssimus Etiam aliquid

Discere habet.

That's latin

For "The wisest man Has something yet to learn."

And he calls himself A teacher.

Alright. Ha ha ha.

Good one.

Grab a seat, Miss monkhouse.

Oh, uh, gee,

I'd really like to sit Next to steve urkel.

Will anyone near him Give up their seat?

You know,

That joke's Wearing a little thin,

Don't you think?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Of all the stupid...

I can't believe The nerve of that jerk.

Harriette, Is something bothering you?

You seem a little grumpy.

Grumpy? I'm not grumpy.

Okay, fine.

But from over here,

It sounds A little like grumpy.

Carl, I have a problem At the chronicle.

They want me To cut my staff By two people.

Why?

Budget cutbacks.

The order came from Operations director Fred rollins.

The man has a time clock For a heart.

Fred rollins, Fred rollins.

Have I met him?

Yeah, last year At the christmas party.

Remember you volunteered To be santa?

Fred was the one That said

They didn't have time To let out the suit.

Oh, yeah.

He is a jerk.

Carl, I don't know Who to let go.

Everyone on my staff Has a family.

Well, maybe you should Stand up to him.

When times are tough,

The last thing You should cut Is security.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tell old freddy boy That when people work hard,

You don't pay them back By firing them.

That's right. I'm not firing anyone.

Good for you, honey.

Aw, I'm sorry You have to Go through this.

Thank you, carl.

Yeah.

So, feel like Making dinner now?

Well, oh, Let's go out.

Hi-dee-ho!

Hey, guys.

Steve let me Carry his books.

Ooh! Lucky you.

Waldo?

What's up?

Why weren't you Here yesterday?

You mean this class Is every day?

Yes.

I wish people would Make up their minds.

I waited here All summer.

[bell rings]

Settle down, class.

Okay,

Your assignment For today

Was to memorize A humorous poem.

Ohh. Ugh. Ugh.

Who'd like to Recite theirs first?

Ooh ooh ooh!

Ooh ooh!

Go ahead. Don't be shy.

Ooh ooh!

Anyone? Anyone at all?

Ooh ooh ooh ooh!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Okay. Mr. Urkel...

Go ahead.

Thank you, walt.

I'll need A short warmup.

* me *

* may *

* mah *

* moh... *

Mr. Urkel...

* moo *

* wah wah *

* wee wee *

Mr. Urkel...

* la la lee lee **

Mr. Urkel!

Please.

Very well.

When father Carves the duck,

By ernest vincent wright.

We all look on With anxious eyes...

When father Carves the duck.

And mother Almost always sighs

When father Carves the duck.

Then we all Prepare to rise

And hold our bibs Before our eyes

And be prepared For some surprise

When father Carves the duck.

The platter's Always sure to slip...

When father Carves the duck.

And how it makes The dishes skip...

And potatoes fly amuck.

Squash and cabbage Leap into space.

We get some gravy In our face,

And father mutters Hindu grace

Whene'er He carves the duck.

Thank you, Mr. Urkel.

Oh, but I'm not finished.

Oh, yes, you are.

Bravo!

Bellisimo! C'est magnifique!

Thank you. Thank you!

And to think That was done

Without A proper warmup.

Figures urkel Would do a poem About ducks.

He walks, Talks, and laughs Like a duck.

I bare absolutely No resemblence

To a duck whatsoever.

You're right.

A duck Dresses better.

Settle down.

Settle down, class.

Stop it!

Stop that snickering!

I'm sick and tired Of your urkel bashing.

Miss monkhouse, Please.

No, let me finish, walt.

I've heard some of you Refer to steven

With a certain Derogatory word,

A horrible word,

A word that's Better left unsaid.

Nerd. Nerd. Nerd.

Steven is not a nerd.

He's handsome And intelligent and...

Oh, just let me Cut to the chase.

He's, ooh, Hurt-me-bad sexy.

Steve is the wind In my sails,

The polish on my nails.

He makes me glad To be alive.

He shifts my heart Into overdrive.

Wow.

I'm not here much,

But I'd give her An "A."

* o solo mio *

* o solo you-o **

Ah, buon giorno, Mi amore.

Hi, carl.

Hey...

What's a-matter you?

I had my showdown At work today.

Oh.

Fred rollins?

He wanted to know Which employees I decided to let go.

I told him no one.

Great.

What did he say?

He said, "You're fired."

What?

I lost my job, carl.

23 years...

And they let me go.

Oh, honey.

Oh, baby.

Oh, don't worry.

[knock on door]

Ooh, I bet That's maxine.

She got one of those Trashy lingerie catalogs In the mail,

And she thinks One of the models is Our homeroom teacher.

Myra.

Good day, laura.

Uh, it's not very often I get to say this,

But, uh, Steve's not here.

Actually, I'm here to see you.

Oh?

I realize that We've had our problems In the past,

But I was hoping That we could, well...

Pinky truce.

Pinky truce?

So long, darkness. Let in the light.

I won't fuss, And I won't fight.

[sighs]

Now, would you like To say it back to me?

Not in this lifetime.

But please, Come on in.

Hello, edward.

Hi, myra. Want an apple?

I couldn't.

I just stuffed myself With mung bean.

Steve says It's a natural Colon broom.

Heh heh heh heh.

He would know.

Bye.

No. Wait.

I need Your advice, too.

After all, You are steve's Best friend.

I'm his only friend.

So what's The problem, myra?

Well...

Steven and I have had Three glorious nights

On the town.

Unfortunately...

He's always behaved Like the perfect gentleman.

Unfortunately?

Yes.

I want to feel His luscious lips

Pressed hotly Against mine.

Myra...

Yes?

Have you been drinking?

Just a little Aloe vera juice...

To help move along The mung bean.

Wait a minute.

I got to sit down.

You actually want Steve to kiss you?

Girl, I'm hurting for it.

Well, I could see How kissing steve And pain

Do go hand in hand.

Well, myra,

Maybe you need To turn him on A little bit.

Where do you go On dates?

The usual places--

Movies, restaurants,

The polka Hall of fame.

Okay, well, maybe That's your problem.

Those are all Public places.

So?

Steve's An old-fashioned guy.

In some ways, He's an extremely Shy person.

Yeah.

He won't even Get undressed

In front of his dog.

He's probably nervous About showing affection In public.

Of course.

Of course.

I need to get

My little Flamingo legs Alone.

I think that's The mung bean Talking.

Thanks, guys.

I know exactly What to do now.

I'll invite steven over

For an intimate Rendezvous,

And as sure as god makes Little green apples,

My lips will be doing Push-ups against his.

Bye.

Ha ha ha!

That is one sick puppy.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

What you doing?

Putting together A job resume.

Sweetheart...

You know, I feel really bad.

You wouldn't Have gotten fired

If you hadn't Listened to me.

Carl, I'm glad I took your advice.

Really?

What have we always Told our kids?

Don't slam The toilet seat?

No.

We've told them To always stand up

For what They believe in.

I stuck to my principles,

And I feel good about it.

You know something, Mrs. Winslow?

I am proud of you.

You are a strong And independent lady,

And I am very lucky To have you.

Thank you, carl.

Stevie...

Would you mind Setting up those chairs?

Oh, certainly, My dainty daffodil.

Let's just Forget the chairs.

Okay.

Lovely evening, Isn't it?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

This ice cream Is making me A little cold.

Do you think There's something You can do about that?

Oh, sure. Give me it.

I'll slurp it down.

Hey, what gives?

We can Have ice cream after.

After what?

After...

A while.

Do you realize

This is the first time

We've ever been Alone together?

Really?

Why don't we Adjourn to the...

Hammock?

Hammock?

Mm-hmm. Come on.

Whoa!

Ohh! Ohh!

Whoa!

I don't think Your backyard likes me.

Hammock?

I think It's only fair To warn you

That hammocks and I

Don't get along Too well.

Oh, you just need A little practice.

Come on now. Put it right here.

Well...

Here goes.

Good.

Now, lie back.

Okay.

Yah!

Whaa!

See?

It hates me.

Steve...

Steve, steve...

Let's try it again.

Come on.

Okay.

I'll get in it first,

And then you join me.

Okay?

Okay.

Hey...

You're good.

Join me?

Okay, okay.

Ohh.

Isn't this romantic?

A full moon

And a sky full of stars.

Ohh.

Oh, look. Over there--

Gemini--the twins.

Oh.

Ooh, and over there--

Pisces. Yes.

Kiss me.

Oh, and--

Excuse me?

I want you To kiss me.

Oh, my.

Don't you want to?

Well, uh...

Very much, actually.

Then like The commercial says,

Just do it.

Okey-dokey.

Oh, I can't!

I can't!

Aah!

I can't.

What's the matter?

Well, if I kissed you,

I'd be taking Advantage of you.

How?

Well, I've told you Before, myra.

I enjoy being with you,

But I don't love you.

I'm in love With laura winslow.

And I've told you before. I don't care.

But...

Doesn't Loving one person And kissing another

Make me a selfish, Shallow,

Pleasure-seeking cad?

Only if you were trying To take advantage of me.

But my eyes Are wide open.

And they'll Stay wide open

Until the moment You kiss me...

If you ever do.

Then close them peepers, Baby...

'cause these lips Have lost their engine,

And they're coming in For a landing.

Ah!