Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hi-dee-ho, angel toes.

I'm busy, Steve.

A la work and no l'amour makes Laura la dull girl.

[laughs]

Pour vous.

Thanks. Pour goodbye.

Wait.

Laura, ever since you declared your love for me

I've been the happiest carbon based multi cell life form

this side of the Milky Way.

Steve, I did not declare my love for you.

When you started seeing Myra you stop coming over here

and amazingly I sort of missed you.

But only as a friend.

Well, you know, friendship is the first step to love.

Do you know what comes next?

A restraining order.

Well, actually I was thinking we could start..

...a dating.

- Each other? - Well, don't say yes, yet.

Let me a woo you first.

And a woo I will.

I'm gonna woo you like no one's been wooed

since the dawn of woo-dom.

[whistles]

Hit it, boys.

[band music]

[music continues]

So, the question is, sweet cheeks..

[drum rolls]

[band music]

Will you go out with me?

No.

[trumpet music]

Steve, this is so sweet, I'm really touched.

- You are? - Yeah.

Now, get 'em out of here.

[blows whistle]

[whistles]

[band music]

[music continues]

I don't wanna know.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

* It's a rare condition *

* This day and age *

* To read any good news *

* On the newspaper page *

* Love and tradition *

* Of the grand design *

* Some people say *

* It's even harder to find *

* Well then there must be *

* Some magic clue *

* Inside these gentle walls *

* Cause all I see *

* Is a tower of dreams *

* Real love burstin' *

* Out of every seam *

* As days go by *

* It's the bigger love *

* Of the family **

[instrumental music]

We got to step out the door..

Harriette...you know you always do this.

This is some sadistic game, isn't it?

How long can we make Carl wait

for his din-din?

Well, Carl want's his din-din, now-now.

Alrighty!

Are you ready to go or do you need more time to yell?

Harriette, I just don't understand

what takes you so long?

I have been home for 20 minutes

and look at me ...stunning.

You on the other hand have been up there

for hour and a half and you look--

Careful.

Sensational.

Carl, it takes me longer because I have to do my hair.

Oh. Oh, like, like I don't have hair.

You said it. Not me.

Wh-what? What? What? What? What?

Look, you can't compare a woman who has a full head of hair

to a man who...doesn't.

Are you saying, Harriette, that, uh, I'm losing my hair?

Oh, it's not lost. It's in the bottom of the sink.

[laughs]

Oh, oh, that's so hilarious, Harriette. Ha ha ha.

Maybe you should go down to Mr. Chuckles Comedy Club.

Maybe it's open mike night.

Oh, come on, Carl.

- Lighten up. - Well, I'm sorry.

I happened to be a little sensitive

about my receding hairline.

Honey, relax. Your hairline is not receding.

It's gone.

[instrumental music]

Oh, man.

I forgot my lunch money.

Hey, Waldo, could you loan me five bucks? I'm a little short.

Hey, you can borrow all you want.

But it ain't gonna make you any taller.

[indistinct chatter]

Hello, my sexy Steven.

Myra, what are you doing here?

I couldn't bear the thought of you

filling this hard body with cafeteria swill.

Well, actually, Monday's aren't so bad.

Today's special is, "I can't believe it's not pork."

Heap it on. Heap it on.

No, no, no, no. You come with me.

I've prepared a lovely picnic. Come on.

Man, will you look at that?

A beautiful girl thinks Steve Urkel is sexy.

Wow.

First mom spots Elvis at the carwash. Now this.

Actually, I'm glad you're here, Myra.

We really need to discuss our relationship.

And it seems to me.. I smell olive loaf.

Layered with a playfully pungent gouda on pumpernickel toast.

Oh, goody. Gouda!

I know.

And for dessert..

- Not prune pandowdy! - Prune pandowdy!

Oh, Myra. Stop it. Stop it. We have to talk.

Certainly. What's on that enormous mind of yours?

Well, it is enormous.

But I just can't live a lie, butter-bottom.

I care for you deeply, Myra.

But I'm in love with an other woman.

Laura Winslow.

Oh, Steven, you're so cute when you're wrong.

Cheese.

Well, what do you mean, I'm wrong?

Laura Winslow has played you like a fiddle.

She's got you so mixed up that you actually think

that you love her, but you don't.

- I don't? - No.

There is only one woman for you..

...Steven Q Urkel.

And you're looking at her.

You melted my cheese.

(Carl) 'Well, so how's it going, Barry?'

(Barry) Great. This toupee is really gonna turn some heads.

- 'You think?' - Trust me.

People are gonna notice Carl Winslow.

H-hand me a mirror. I'm dying to see what I look like.

Whoa!

Well, Barry, I-I.. I look like Rick James.

Oh, yes. It's super freaky.

- Here. Try it with the hat. - Well, I..

Well, now I look like Rick James' chauffeur.

[indistinct chatter]

Dude, it's Rick James!

No, it's not. It's my dad.

Wow! Your dad is Rick James?

Uh, Barry, this is my son, Edward

and his brilliant friend Waldo.

Hey, cool bumper sticker on your van.

"I break for baldies."

I really do.

- Hey, Mr. Winslow? - Hmm.

My Uncle Aldo Faldo went baldo.

But he didn't wanna cough up the cash for toup.

so he achieved a hair-like effect with a pet.

- A pet? - Yeah.

He trained a hamster to lie real still on his head.

Carl, shall we try another toupee?

Uh, my head is in your hands. Wig me, baby.

[upbeat music]

Hey, yo, dad, you look like Al Sharpton.

[music continues]

[grunts]

[music continues]

[indistinct chattering]

Is this seat taken?

- Yes. - You're right.

So how are things with you and Myra?

Oh, the little vixen is stuck on me

like bicycle pants on delta burke.

Laura Winslow, you brazen barracuda!

Here we go again.

I walk all the way over here from my private school

to lunch with my honeybunch

and what do I find upon my arrival?

You're seducing him with soggy fish sticks.

Okay, it's official. I've died and gone to hell.

For the last time, Steve Urkel steams my broccoli.

Stay away or you're gonna get burned.

Okay, that's it. I've had just about enough of you.

Uh-oh!

Oh, you have?

I've tried to be nice, I've tried to be patient

but you don't respond to subtleties.

So I'm just gonna have to come right out and say it.

You are a huge pain in the butt.

Huge pain, huge butt.

Say, anybody got a hankering for a brownie? My treat!

- Myra, I want an apology. - For what?

- Just for being you. - Forget it.

Oh, I will, however

apologize for the mashed potatoes in your hair.

What mashed potatoes?

Those mashed potatoes.

Sorry.

[chuckles]

Apology accepted.

Now, I really must apologize for the Jell-O down your blouse.

Oh!

Ladies, ladies, this misuse of food is reprehensible.

Although I do find it strangely exhilarating.

Gee, Laura, all this apologizing

has probably made you very thirsty.

How about a nice cold milkshake on me?

Or better yet, on you.

Ooh, Myra..

You look like, you're ready for desert.

(Steve) 'Oh!'

Have a nice piece of cherry pie.

No, no, no.

Mmm.

Oh!

A la mode.

Now, stop, please . Ooh!

[screaming] Stop!

Now that was over the line.

Now, now, ladies, please not that..

Uh!

Uh-oh!

[screaming] Food fight!

[crowd screaming]

[instrumental music]

[door knob clicks]

Hi-dee, hi-dee, ho!

Hi, Steve!

Myra.

Thanks to you, I've got cafeteria duty

for the next two weeks.

Thanks to you, I've been grounded for the next two weeks.

You cheeky man stealer.

You here to cause trouble.

I won't back away from it.

No, no, wait.

Wait. Now, ladies.

Ladies, wait. Ladies.

Stop it. Stop it, I say.

Now this is gone far enough.

Now, look. This is a bizarre and twisted problem.

And it requires a bizarre and twisted solution.

Fortunately, that's my area of expertise.

- You've got a plan? - Yes.

I intend to resume dating Myra.

- Yes. - Yes.

Nothing serious.

Just hand holdings, pet names and occasional kissing.

Let's start now.

Put it in park, Myra.

Now, look. I want everything out in the open.

So here's a fair warning.

I intend to remain friends with Laura.

And if she gives me the slightest inkling

that I can win her heart. I'm gone, baby.

I understand. I accept those terms.

- Hey, I am thrilled. - Wunderbar.

Now, how's about you to lovelies bury the hatchet?

Come on, shake hands.

Them's me, gals.

I think we're gonna be good buddies.

Steve will never go back to you, Laura.

Once he's been to Tahiti, now why would he settle

for Coney Island.

I'm so happy for you, Myra.

You know, it's always nice to see a plump girl find a man.

Well, maybe not good buddies.

Let's go, Steven.

You wanna skip school today?

Huh! And to blemish my 11 year perfect attendance record.

- We can nap. - Okay.

[instrumental music]

Carl, we're already ten minutes late.

(Carl) 'Alright, just a second.'

Aunt Harriette. Aunt Harriette.

The Cubs won!

Great! So did you have a good time?

Fantastic.

Ryne Sandberg hit a home run and grandma caught it.

I don't wanna brag, but I didn't even spill my soda.

(Carl) 'Okay, I am ready.'

Well...what do you think?

- Nice. - Handsome!

Weird.

He grew a full head of hair overnight.

Richie, let's go fix supper.

How'd he grow hair that fast?

Because he ate all his vegetables.

So, Harriette, really. What do you think?

- Oh, it's-it's fine. - Huh?

- Just fine. - Really?

Really, really fine.

I particularly like the profile, don't you?

Mm-hmm.

There it is...hair.

- From the side. - Yeah?

- Harriette. - Huh?

You don't like it, do you?

Well-well, Carl, it's just, not that I don't like it.

It is just that, I'll have to get used to it.

Used to it?

Well, gee, you make it sound like chronic back pain.

Well, well...honey, you took me by surprise.

I had no idea you wanted a toupee.

Well, I didn't. I did it for you.

Remember the other night, you made fun of my hair.

Honey, I didn't mean it. It was just a thoughtless joke.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't said it, if you hadn't noticed.

Well, uh.. Of course I noticed.

Just like, I'm sure you noticed

that I'm getting a little gray and

that I have these little...smile lines.

Listen, if you want to keep this toupee

because it makes you feel better, then that's great.

But don't do it for me.

Because I love you for who you are, just the way you are.

- Okay? - Okay.

To tell you the truth, I do feel kinda silly in this thing.

And it smells like my Aunt Mary's sheep dog.

- Let's go, handsome. - Right behind you, beautiful

[instrumental music]

Stay.

[theme music]