Original subtitles

What are you going to do?

Do you go ahead or do you stop?

I knew time was running out.

It was stifling like I couldn't breathe.

I got a feeling it wasn't going to be good.

Although I was pregnant, there still was no turning back.

I was brought up by my mum in the area of South East London.

Things might have been hard growing up, but we always had the best of what we

could have.

We was always brought up understanding that nothing in life came free.

I wanted better for myself and started studying for my qualifications in

childcare.

I gave up when I found out I was pregnant to become a full -time mother.

I was 18.

I was in a relationship with Mark, my child's father, for around a

year. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, put your hand there.

Little monkey.

The pregnancy wasn't planned.

Very unexpected.

Take care.

During this time, I'd just got my first place.

It was one of those estates. You don't go out after dark. Too many drug

I was finding it pretty hard and upsetting not to be able to give the

standards that I wanted.

Hello, darling.

What are you doing?

Maggie was someone I'd met, just an acquaintance, really.

Always very well presented.

Hair done, make -up done.

Loads and loads of gold.

Loads. How long you got?

Three months, I think.

The place where she lived was kitted out to the nines. Look at this.

So smooth.

She had just had a fitted kitchen.

The whole decor of the house looked like I'd stepped into a movie star's home.

Nice, innit?

She's well nice.

I would put my flat in comparison of a cardboard box to where Maggie's was.

Have you been all right?

We sat down, just had a cup of tea, had a little chat, basically, just catching

up. And I've been away.

Been on a little run.

What do you mean?

Drugs.

I was shot.

Drugs.

She didn't come across as that type of person.

She just seemed like one of those mums that just go out, work, do good for

kids. And that's how you got all this?

That's the fault they are, innit?

She asked if I would be interested.

We would basically go on holiday and return with the drugs.

Do you think you could get for little one with that?

I was tempted, yes.

It was kind of calculated.

You know, catch someone at their lowest and they're bound to say, yeah, come on,

let's give it a try.

The minus side was the baby. I didn't want to be going away, like,

I mean, say the worst did happen, I wouldn't have had anyone there with

me why I actually gave birth.

Was everyone on the way?

I just didn't want to do it.

I don't really think I could do it. I don't want to do it.

I basically told her that I wasn't interested.

That was the last I heard.

I see Maggie, I think it was a couple of days after she had came back.

Mag?

Hey. I mean, she was out shopping, spending up loads of money, so it does

you think twice.

The next few months passed kind of quickly.

I had Jack and Christmas was coming.

So have you got your name?

Have I got what?

The money.

Times was really hard. You haven't given me money since last month.

I've gave you every penny I've got.

If Mark had been more supportive... Leave me alone.

..things might have been easier.

It was a pretty damn Christmas. I felt kind of depressed.

Could have basically said that I had cancelled Christmas.

I didn't.

fulfil Christmas as a mother.

So it was hard for me.

It's Meg, darling. How are you?

Long time no speak.

I next heard from Maggie, I think it was a couple of days after Christmas, put

me on the edge of my seat.

Am I going to get another offer?

That thing I talked to you about last year.

I'm going on another run.

Right. I was told that I would be paid... £10 ,000.

£10 ,000.

£10 ,000?

For the actual carrying of the drug. A further £500 for spending money. All

expenses paid, darling. A whole two weeks in Barbados.

Are you asking me on?

How hard could it be?

I've done it 12 times.

She mentioned that she had done it 12 times to sort of make me feel a bit more

at ease. How could I possibly get caught?

I need to think about it because you just find out the blue and... I wasn't

to make a decision right there and then. I was told that I could go away and

think about it for a couple of days.

All that kept going through my head was...

The life that I'd be able to make for myself.

I'd never been apart from Jack. But you keep it in mind that it's two weeks.

Two weeks of a lifetime ain't nothing.

How much can you really miss out on in two weeks?

It felt different now I wasn't pregnant.

Hi, Meg.

Yes, Zara.

I said that that's me, I'm going this time.

I was dreading speaking to my mum because I knew... Anna? Yeah, you?

..that she would be upset.

You make it going Barbados?

What are you talking about? We're all going to bring back some stuff.

I was trying to persuade her by telling her that... I'm going to earn 10 grand.

..the money side of things. I'm going to have the baby. I'm going to go and get

some fun.

You're off your head. Is that all you think about?

She didn't want me to go. She kept telling me... No, yeah, no. ..you're not

going. Please, you haven't brought this through. I have.

I've made my decision. There wasn't anything my mum or anyone else could

that was going to change my mind.

Come back here!

Sarah!

Looking back now, I wish I'd listened.

We came through to the main airport.

How long are you staying for?

Two weeks.

Everything seemed so laid back and relaxed.

I honestly thought to myself, well, that's why it's so easy to get back

Welcome to Barbados and enjoy your stay.

That's it, we're here.

We're in sunny old Barbados.

6 o 'clock in the morning, but yet the sun's shining and it's so hot outside.

People are setting up their stores and going about their daily business.

Maggie had said, just to relax, take things easy, we would collect the drugs

carry them on the day that we was meant to return.

It really was like a genuine holiday.

First time I see the sea, I was absolutely amazed.

The waters were so blue and clear.

You could see all the little silver fish floating at the bottom.

The beaches were so much like paradise, it was unbelievable.

I was in my own bubble, really.

I miss Jack all through my holiday.

Surely you can't forget me after two weeks.

Hello!

Hi, Mum, it's me.

I bring hope just to make sure that my mum and Jack will be all right.

Yeah, it's a good holiday, yeah?

Cheers, darling.

Halfway through the holiday, we were in the hotel and we received a phone call.

Hello?

Yeah. It was from the guys that would have been delivering the drugs for us to

depart with.

We were told to meet them to arrange the rest of the money to pay for

the hotel.

Come on.

I think I was too lost in the excitement of the actual holiday to be aware of

what was actually going on.

We got a taxi cab to this little play area.

We arrived first, and I think two minutes behind us, they were there.

I didn't know what they would be like. I had my own vision of drug dealers.

Stay there.

I was frightened to be at such close contact with them at this point.

Everything alright?

They knew Maggie from previous trips.

Their money was handed over.

They would be in touch more towards the end of the trip to organise us

booking into another hotel and to receive the cocaine.

I remember her telling me that everything's going to be all right. I

everything could be all right.

Just sort of blocked it from my mind.

When the time comes, that's when I'll think about it, sort of thing.

Hello?

Three or four days before we were due to fly home, Mark had phoned.

Yeah. We planned on having another baby, but I wasn't expecting it.

When he asked me, are you late?

It took a moment for what the question meant to sink in. You're late.

It sort of sent a thousand questions running through my mind.

If it comes back and shows that you're pregnant, what are you going to do?

Do you go ahead or do you stop and go home?

I had no idea at all that there was any chance I was pregnant when I left.

Just didn't cross my mind to even think about it.

It does say to leave it for five minutes, but it didn't take the five

minutes.

Seeing two pink lines on it was a really big shock.

I'd done the one thing that I didn't want to do, and that was to put a baby

that situation as well.

Well, you are then, eh?

The thought crossed my mind to just give up.

call it a day and come home. How do you feel?

Like I don't want to do this.

But it was always niggling in my mind about not being able to pay back the

that I had cost the drug dealers.

Be fine.

That me and my family would then be sitting ducks.

Nothing's going to happen.

And though I was pregnant, there still was no turning back.

The morning when I woke up I was very anxious knowing that this is it.

A phone call would come and we would be asked to get a taxi to another

hotel to receive the drugs.

I never mentioned anything.

Maggie never mentioned anything. It was right on top of us,

just waiting for the phone call.

I was very anxious.

It was more of a worry that something was going to go wrong.

I was told to get a taxi to the middle of nowhere.

When I started feeling a little bit more nervous, Maggie turned to me and she

said, don't worry, everything's going to be all right. Remember, I've been here

and done it before.

We would go there and find him like we was renting a room and meet the dealer.

Time wasn't moving.

Like we was on a standstill and they weren't coming.

It would have been better if they hadn't have turned up.

When the demons was there, it was all made so real.

Coming with like a duffel bag.

I don't think I was expecting something so big.

Maggie stepped up and went into the bathroom.

While she was in there, I noticed a Bible.

I was asking, Father God, please, you just let me go through this once.

let me come through and make it home safely to my kids

he came out and he just beckoned me with

his hand

the

drugs were sitting on top of the toilet seat i was shocked when i see how much

there was because i didn't think that I would be carrying back so much.

I contemplated telling the guy that was dropping the drugs that I was pregnant.

But I knew it wouldn't make more difference to them.

It was like I could hear my conscience talking to me, telling

me, you're so stupid.

You can see it.

It's not invisible.

It's just nuts because it's here now. Your time's, like, ready. You're ready

go home. But I've had those feelings before.

And something's always gone wrong.

Can't see anything.

The guy that had strapped me told me just to walk up and down like I would in

the airport.

Perfect.

Can't see anything.

The guy said to me, keep your head high. Don't let them see that you feel

nervous.

When I got into the cab, I find it quite difficult to sit down.

It was really awkward trying to get into the car.

I remember looking out the window in the taxi and I was thinking, just, thank

God I'm going home, this is the end.

It felt like we'd been driving for hours.

I was sure that the ride from the airport didn't take this long.

Just the feeling, just the vibe that went through my body, I knew that it

going to have a happy ending.

I remember looking out of the window as we pulled up and I could see people in

various uniforms.

I just thought...

that there was police everywhere. Everyone was watching every single move

made. And I weren't even going to make it inside the airport. I just had these

visions of stepping out of the cabin.

They'd be there.

I knew then that there was no looking back.

As I walked into the airport, it was like... The toilets were, like,

illuminated.

It was like the toilet was calling me to go over and just take it off.

But then the desk was calling me to check my bags in so that I could go

The toilets were the fantasies.

They were sellotape so tight, there was no way I could have took it off with my

bare hands at all.

Just sort of go to the desk and just do what you've got to do.

I honestly thought that we was behaving normally.

Inside, my brain was screaming down to my legs just to start running as fast

as they could.

I was very conscious that the drugs were there, feeling that it was slipping,

that I could feel it coming down my legs. Before I know it, it's going to be

round my calf and everyone's going to be able to see it.

I believed that the check -in was where all the danger was.

Good afternoon.

Where are you travelling to today?

Come back to UK.

Okay, may I have your passports and travel documents, please?

I was expecting her to ask, have you got anything?

Are you hiding anything?

And did you pack your bags yourself today?

Yes.

It was stifling, like I couldn't breathe.

And it's Dara Whitaker and Margaret Dixon.

Put your bags up, please.

Thank you.

Here are your passports and boarding passes.

I was like, wow, that's it, it's done.

Thank you, have a safe flight. Thank you.

This is it, I've done it.

Maggie's right, she's been right all along.

There's nothing to it. We're on our way home.

I just thought, that plane's waiting for me. Next couple of hours and that

plane's boarding and I'm going to be the first person on it.

We got from the checkout desk maybe five, six steps away, and

I see these two guys.

It felt really frightening, but I wasn't sure whether that was my nerves. Maybe

something was wrong.

All of a sudden, they were just there in front of me.

Where's your boarding pass? Where's your passport?

Passport and boarding pass.

You've got your boarding passes.

He asked us if we had any luggage that we had checked in.

Do you mind going by with us to the counter?

The suitcases were still sitting there.

They hadn't gone down the conveyor belt to be put onto the plane. They'd been

taken off and just left there.

I knew something was seriously wrong.

It was a physical, sick feeling.

Had we just been caught?

We took the cases and he told us to follow him over to the customs area.

Do you have anything to declare?

No. No?

Did you pack your own bag?

Yes. Put the bag in the car. They were going to do a search on the luggage.

There was nothing in there.

I knew I had nothing to worry about.

Do what you want to do, get on with it and just let us get home without missing

our flight.

They're clean.

Huh? They're clean.

When they didn't find nothing, I felt at stake. I thought, yes, I really have

done it. They really don't know that I've got anything.

I was already sitting on the plane and the plane had already taken off.

And he looked back at the lady and said, I want a full body search.

Full body search.

It was like my stomach fell out and hit the floor. I knew then that I had no

chance. I knew that I'd totally been caught.

He asked us both... You're sure you have nothing to declare?

And we both said no.

If I sit here and I don't show no emotion, then I say, no, I ain't got

He might believe me and just go away.

They come for Maggie first.

They took her into a room and it was like she was in there for hours.

But it was 10, 15 minutes.

Everything just flashed before you.

From when I was ready to fly out to Barbados and everyone was begging me not

go, then it started going through my mind that... You're not going on to see

baby. You're not going to see your mum.

There was nothing I could do or say that was going to magically disappear.

That was it.

I think I'd just given up by then.

Maggie was brought out of the room.

We looked at each other as she'd come out of the room in one of those, like...

Disbelief looked that it had actually happened.

The lady made me take the dress off.

And as soon as I took that off, the drugs were basically visible.

It was like it was the best thing that had ever happened to them in Barbados.

They cut the packages off with a standing knife

and collected them all together.

Ten pounds.

It came up that I had ten pounds.

They opened the package to make sure that it was what they believed it was.

I was wishing they would put the powder in the liquid and it wouldn't change

colour, it would stay white.

I sort of looked at the poster.

looked at the tube and noticed that they was pretty much the same colour and

knew that what I had was cocaine.

My life had just been ripped away from me.

I was thinking about Jack.

I was thinking about the new baby.

It was just everything, my mum, the disappointment, and

just the way that they would feel that I'd basically let them down.

While I was sitting there, I see the Virgin Atlantic 525

plane run down.

the runway and take off and i knew that i should have been on that plane i could

have been home and i just wasn't i just

we

were put into separate cars

and taken to a police station for questioning.

It felt like it was about 3 o 'clock in the morning, but in reality it was not

even 6 o 'clock in the evening.

I was thinking, stupid, stupid things that, if I could get away,

just run away somewhere and hide.

You know none of it's possible.

So you just sort of sit there and ride it out and just wait until what happens,

happens.

Maggie.

Maggie just asked me if I was okay.

I don't really know how I feel at the moment.

Just numb.

I feel the day.

I'm so afraid.

All she kept saying was that she was sorry.

Hurry ain't going to change anything at the minute.

Things did flip over in my mind.

Yeah, she's been 12 times.

Maybe they'd been watching Maggie from before.

There were times when you thought, I'm sure I've seen him.

I'm sure they was eating at the restaurant when we was eating there.

have been being watched from when we first landed?

Or even before?

The first night in the cells was horrible, filthy, boiling hot to the

where it was stifling and you felt like you was going to pass out.

They were watching us like I was a freak show.

I was thinking a lot of Jack and my mum and if they'd even heard.

Knowing that you've left the baby at home is enough.

But then to actually find that you're pregnant as well, it's really hard.

What about the fine?

It's 250 ,000 marmite dollars, about 90 ,000 pounds.

I was asked if there was anybody that could pay my fine.

If I had £90 ,000, do you seriously think I'd be sitting here carrying drugs

just ten?

He just sort of looked down at his book and carried on writing.

OK.

Didn't acknowledge what I'd said at all.

I'd received a five -year sentence.

It was like my life had just been thrown away in front of me.

I wouldn't see any of my family.

It was very daunting. It was a large, 1900s -style

building.

The officer just said,

being given a prison number, It's like having your whole

identity taken away from you. You're not a person anymore.

You're just a number on somebody's books.

I was getting really anxious and agitated. I hadn't had no contact

with my family at all.

Seeing that phone that I could use was like someone handing me a pot of gold at

that time.

I started crying before the phone started ringing.

As I knew that this was it, I was finally going to get a chance to talk to

everyone.

I just couldn't get anything out apart from how sorry I was and I just wanted

them to forgive me.

The first word she said to me was just to be strong.

Don't let Jack forget me, please, Mum.

I asked about Jack, how he was, and she said that he's fine.

It wasn't...

Only me that was hurting by being away, I was hurting them at the same time.

Over the sentence, me and Maggie started to grow a

distance. It was...

Like, she was just somebody else that was there.

It really sunk in then that I was on my own.

One morning, I'd received some photos from home.

They was brought in by an officer.

Are you the pregnant English girl?

As she handed me the envelope, she said to me...

You don't deserve the child you have at home, let alone the one that you're

carrying now.

Everyone around me hated me for the situation that I'd put the baby in.

She was the only one that was actually brave enough to come out and say

something.

The next few months in prison passed quickly.

Living with the same routine day in and day out.

Don't keep me there.

I always used to talk to him, tell him that he was going to be a special little

boy.

I would be allowed to keep him with me for three months.

After the three months was up, if one of my family members couldn't come to

collect the baby, he would go into the...

care of the government.

During me being pregnant, I received a phone call from my

mum. What's the matter?

Mark had gone off with somebody else.

What do you mean?

He wasn't waiting for me anymore.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I just broke down.

I can't do this. I cannot do this right now. I've got to go.

I was in that situation and carrying his child and he'd just gone and left me

like that.

It was like I was carrying this part of Mark that wasn't wanted, wasn't loved

and sort of made me resent the baby as well.

I was thinking...

of asking my mum to come over, basically take him straight from birth.

A couple of days after, I woke up and remembered the baby not

moving throughout the night.

I was taken to the hospital.

When the doctor revealed that I was already halfway through my labour, I was

rushed on to the maternity ward.

Not having a familiar person with me when I went to have the baby really

in.

I was on my own.

Just keep breathing.

The warder from the...

Prison arrived.

The lower it was her, I was imagining my mum being there and giving me the

support and go -ahead that I needed.

I didn't believe that I would have the strength to pull through.

When I first see the baby, the love and warmth that I felt for him just filled

my heart straight away.

The anger that I felt because of his father totally subsided as soon as I see

him.

A question that I ask myself is how can anyone bring a baby into the world and

not love them?

I wanted to be able to keep him, but then in the next breath, I didn't want

have to take him back to the prison.

He's going to live in a prison cell for something that he never done.

I felt really guilty.

The time that I had with a baby within the prison was like a special time,

really. I just focused all my attention on making sure that everything was OK.

I absolutely doted on him every single thing he'd done.

I wanted him to be used to who I was.

It was arranged that my mum would be coming to collect the baby.

I knew it was going to be really tough for the baby to leave.

I knew time was running out.

I woke up on the morning that my mum was meant to be arriving.

I had started collecting the baby's things together and started getting them

packed up, just preparing physically and mentally for what was to come.

Time just went so fast, it was like I didn't get a last minute with him.

It was really hard to know.

that the next feed that he received wouldn't be from me.

And when he had a nap, he wouldn't wake up and see me.

I don't think we stopped hugging for most of the visit.

All I could tell her was how sorry I was.

She just told me that it was all right, that I'd made my mistake, but she

forgave me and she was there to support me.

He's lovely.

Oh, he is lovely and he can't wait to get hold of him.

All I kept asking was that my mum wouldn't let the

children forget me.

I kissed him and told him that I loved him and I was going to miss him.

And I hugged my mum and just repeated again not to let them forget me.

Watching my mum live with a baby was, I'd say, the worst part

of my whole sentence.

That made me sit up and realise what I'd actually done, the consequences

that I'd brought on not only myself, but my family.

It really did feel that I'd just lost

everything, like I wasn't worthy of what I had had before, that everything had

just been snatched away from me in a second and now I was left there to

face the world alone.

When I When I first went into prison I was 19.

When I was released from prison I was 23.

When I pulled up outside where my mum was living, the anxiety of

seeing everyone again really kicked in.

I didn't believe that the children would register who I was.

The first voices I heard were the children as they come running towards

front door, all open, arms ready to be picked up, shouting, Mummy, Mummy,

Mummy's home.

Just made me feel amazing.

I don't think I've ever had a broader smile on my face They

weren't babies no more They were big boys

now

The

feeling of missing

The years that I did with the kids is really, really hard. I know that I could

never replace what I'd taken away from them.

I can't believe that I was so stupid and immature as to

put myself in that situation, believing that there were no consequences and that

everything was going to be all right.

I know that I can afford to give my children what they need and if

it is something that's a little expensive, put a couple of quid aside

and before you know it, you'll have the money there for it.

All they need is love.

Don't miss the new series of Banged Up Abroad every Wednesday at 9 on Nat Geo

Channel 526, part of Wednesday's Most Wanted season.

There are more details at natgeotv .com.