Original subtitles

I was having the time of my life.

I thought it was risky, but I just had this feeling that I would never get

caught.

I'd never seen that much hash before.

Then it slipped, oh my God.

You're going to send a kilo back.

It did cross my mind that I was a drug dealer now.

I was so shocked.

It was making me question my insanity.

I was 33 and working as a secretary in London.

I'd just split up from my boyfriend, who I'd been in a four -year relationship

with. I just thought, you know, we'd be together forever.

So when he left me, I was absolutely devastated.

I hadn't really got a career, so I decided to leave my job, change my life

and go travelling.

Must be better than being in London, being miserable.

My mum agreed.

She said it would give me some confidence back.

She just wanted me not to be so unhappy.

It's quite emotional saying goodbye.

But I was very excited.

about what fun I was going to have and getting away from my old life.

I decided to go to Goa in India.

I'd heard about the good parties there and it was a fun place to go.

When I got off the plane, the heat hit me, first of all, and the smells of

India.

Mad traffic.

It was exotic and different.

I remember the first time I saw the beach.

It was amazing.

Lovely palm trees.

Didn't wait to get in the sea.

I hired a motorbike.

It was great, not having to go to work, not having to answer to anyone, doing

what I wanted to every day.

I found a lovely house which was tucked away in the jungle.

I was having the time of my life, meeting really nice people, feeling very

happy.

There was a very big drug culture in Goa.

Cash was freely available.

Everyone was doing it in the bars, on the beach.

And I ended up smoking it because it was there and everybody else was smoking it

around me.

You felt very laid back and relaxed.

It's pretty amazing and mind -blowing stopping at such a beautiful place.

It was great, just staying up all night, sleeping in late and going to the

beach.

I was wrapped up in this lifestyle and time passed really quickly.

After about seven, eight months, I was getting worried that my money was

out.

I really didn't want to go back to England.

I got quite friendly with this guy, Paul.

Hi, how are you? Yeah, how are you doing, babe? I'm OK.

I told him my money worries.

I don't mention this to anyone, but... He confided in me that he had a way of

making money easily, that he was sending parcels to Europe full of hash.

Isn't that a bit risky?

I was shocked that he was dealing drugs. I didn't know anybody that had done

that before.

Send it in the post, babe.

I never knew you did that. You've never said anything.

He said you couldn't get caught because you weren't actually carrying it through

customs. You just had to pay £500 for the hash and you could make a profit of

up to £5 ,000.

He said that I should give it a go.

I wasn't sure at all about it. No.

I thought if he had got caught, he would go to jail.

Well... He said, think it over, and that if I was interested, he would help me.

A couple of weeks later, I realised I was down to my last couple of hundred

pounds, and that was really for my ticket to go home.

So I started thinking about what Paul was doing and thought the risks were

minimal. All I've got to do is send a passport.

And it was only hash, it wasn't hard drugs.

Since then I was saying, just go home, go back to your family, get a job.

You can't live this life forever.

But I just had this feeling that I would never get caught.

He said that he'd been sending the hash back in statues.

He told me how to put the hash inside and how to seal it on the bottom.

He said his dealer would meet me in Delhi.

He gave me a contact in Europe that...

I could send it to.

It was all moving quite fast now. I was a bit nervous, thinking, what am I

doing, what am I doing?

It was a two -day train ride.

I do like Indian trains, they're quite fun.

The scenery was lovely. It was all green and lush.

I was nervous, but I was hoping everything was going to be right.

I probably was a bit naive. I was a bit carried away with the whole thing, being

abroad.

Delhi was busy, full of people.

Lots of traffic.

Just craziness, really.

I stayed in the tourist area where all the travellers stay.

One of the first things I did was call Paul's dealer.

My name's Claire, I'm Paul's friend.

He said, could I go and see him that night?

On the outskirts of Delhi. Yes, I know that.

OK, see you tonight. Thanks. Bye.

After making the phone call, I was thinking, oh, my God, I can't go back on

now.

When I left, it was just getting dark.

I decided not to get a rickshaw outside the hotel because...

If there was a problem, they knew where I was staying.

So I walked a couple of streets away.

I was nervous because I would have a lot of hash on me and if anything happened,

I would be in trouble.

My adrenaline was pumping.

But I was thinking, the ritual driver doesn't know that I'm going to do this.

I was on edge.

Excited as well. It was dangerous.

It was a run -down area.

It made me feel a bit insecure.

I was out of my comfort zone.

I asked someone for the directions.

Come, come.

I've definitely had butterflies in my stomach.

Sit.

He said... Should we smoke a joint?

And if you can't see, if you like the hash.

Yeah, sure.

I only had a couple of puffs because I was a bit nervous that if I got stoned I

wouldn't be thinking straight.

Didn't want to get paranoid or panic things were going to maybe go wrong.

Yeah, tastes good.

That's nice.

Yeah, very nice.

He pulled out a bag from under the bed.

I was like, oh, my God, it looks so big.

There's so much of it.

I'd never seen that much hash before.

I was quite shocked that it was so much.

Then it clicked, oh, my God, you're going to send a kilo back.

Is that a kilo there?

I was thinking, oh, God, it's a lot for me to carry

myself.

What are you doing?

Are you going to go through with this?

But I thought, if I can get it back to the hotel safely and keep my cool, I'm

halfway there, really.

So you want to buy some?

Yes, if I can. Yes, please.

It's exact.

Thanks, then.

I was very nervous walking through the rickshaw, feeling like someone might

out and say, we're going to arrest you.

I was quite self -conscious, but no one knows that I'm carrying a house.

When he pulled off, I was thinking, at least you're moving, you're getting away

from there.

I got back to the guest house.

I just wanted to get it up to my room.

Shut the door.

And just put it somewhere safe.

I was definitely buzzing quite a lot from having that hash in the room.

I was trying to calm myself down.

All I had to do was pack it and send it.

I just wish I hadn't have done it. I knew it could all end in tears.

Something could really go wrong.

The next day, I woke up.

And thought, oh my God, this is sitting in my room.

So I decided to go and get the statue.

So we went to this bustling area in Old Delhi.

It was really busy and pretty crazy.

I had a look at the statues about how big they were.

So I had to fit a kilo into it.

Have you got one of these, smaller?

I eventually found one which was perfect.

I had to also buy some putty that would seal it. And any gold paint?

As soon as I got back to my guest house, I went to check the suitcase was

all right.

No one had tried to get into it.

It was the relief that we're still securely locked.

I waited till around midnight because I wanted to do it when I wouldn't have

anyone knocking on the door.

There was no one around.

The first thing I did was I put the gloves on so they wouldn't have my

fingerprints if the parcel did get seized in Europe.

I pulled out of the bed. It looked so much worse.

It dawned on me that I was actually doing this.

I started removing the cling film because it had to be moulded to put up

the statue.

The smell hit me, it was quite pungent.

It took a long time to take the cling film off because every single piece was

wrapped in it.

My adrenaline was definitely flowing.

I put a couple of lumps in my hand and put it inside the statue at the bottom

just to press it down.

I was thinking, oh my God, if my mother could see me now, what am I doing?

My heart was pumping.

I just wanted it to be done so I could seal it up. Once it was sealed, no one

would know it was in there.

It took me about three hours.

When it was all finished, oh, just relief. It was done.

It looked like a bottom match to the rest of the statue.

It was probably about four in the morning, so I was quite tired because my

had been working overtime.

I lay down thinking, oh, I don't know if I'm going to sleep.

I did break up with a bit of a heavy heart that I had to actually go to the

courier office and send the parcel.

I was concerned about the weight of it.

I wrapped the statue in bubble wrap, then put all the other things I bought

make the parcel more authentic.

Paul had given me the address of a courier company that he'd used before.

I was really very nervous about going there.

I didn't know how it was going to go.

I thought, you know, you can pull out, you don't have to do this.

But I was thinking of money, about if you just do this last bit, you're nearly

there.

When I finally got there, I was very nervous about going in.

But I just thought, do it.

They don't know the hash is in there, so it was straight walk in there and do

it.

I didn't know what to expect.

I didn't know what questions they were going to ask me.

My palms were sweating.

I was thinking, don't act suspicious.

This was the moment that I'd been dreading.

I was sitting down there waiting, trying to keep cool.

And then the boss came out.

He said he'd have to weigh it, see how much it was.

The statue, before he even put the hatch in, was heavy, so now it was, like,

very heavy.

He said that he wanted to know what was in there.

And then he asked me to write a list of what was inside.

Write down the description.

What is that inside?

I wrote down incense, wooden box, earth, the wrong.

And I wrote the Indian steps. I thought, oh my God, you know, I'm actually

writing it down.

But I thought it was better to say that it was in there than not in there if

they did check.

I was nervous writing a false name, Caroline Phillips.

OK, that's fine.

Thank you.

I was thinking, I've done it, I've sensed it.

I just wanted to get out of there.

I was really happy that it was finally over.

I'm free. I'm free.

I was being very elated.

I'd done it.

I was proud of myself. I'd actually gone through with the whole thing.

I got on the train the next day, feeling really happy. You know, I was going to

be in Goa in two days, back on the beach.

Arrived back there, just lovely sunny day.

Went to see some friends who knew that I'd been doing this.

Told them everything had gone well.

They were happy that I hadn't had any trouble.

It was probably on the fifth day I decided to make the phone call to see if

parcel had arrived.

I was nervous.

Yes, it's Claire.

I said, did you get the parcel?

And they said yes.

Excellent. Oh, thank you so much.

So completely ecstatic.

Blabbered down the phone, oh, that's fantastic.

I'm so happy.

Bye.

We arranged that he would send me the money out, £5 ,000.

It was a robust, actually.

It was like sort of having free money.

My lifestyle did change.

I was living more extravagantly.

Because I don't earn the money quite easily, I was spending it more freely

before.

Started taking more drugs like cocaine.

Parties in Go were great. There were rave parties under the stars.

And amazing, really.

Lots of lights and crazy things going on.

Everyone pretty high on drugs.

Some would come up.

You'd be on the beach, seeing palm trees dancing.

It was probably about seven or eight months, probably about, yeah, around the

eighth month, I realised that I didn't have that much money left.

I was quite shocked that I'd spent so much money.

I thought maybe it's time to go home, but I was very caught up in the whole

party thing and taking drugs and having a good time, and I didn't want it to

end.

So I thought about sending another parcel.

I thought if I'd done it once, I'd got away with it.

It was so easy.

You won't get caught.

I reassured myself that it wouldn't be as hard as the first time, and I decided

to go ahead.

Pulled up the deal and arranged to meet him in Delhi.

What a statue.

I did exactly the same part as before.

Everything went to plan.

That's great news.

A few days later, I was £5 ,000 richer.

And everything was fantastic again.

I couldn't believe that it was so easy, but I didn't want it to become a way of

life for me.

I thought, you've got away with it twice, you know, you've been lucky.

Just enjoy it while it lasts, really.

I started buying coke on a pretty regular basis.

I was spending 100 quid a day or something at the time.

I got a bit of a habit with it.

I realised that I was taking too many drugs at that time, but I couldn't

stop, I was sort of caught up in the whole thing.

I did have the odd moment where I thought, you should just go home, it's

a bit out of control now.

The money I made from the last parcel is going really quickly.

I realised I was down to a few hundred quid and I was back in the same

situation.

And I thought, oh, I could just send another parcel.

That'll be the last one and then I'll go home and take a break from the whole

thing.

I wish I had listened to the voice inside me that was saying, just don't do

again, you're only doing this to feed your drug habit.

But I felt quite invincible.

Got a train up to Delhi.

Went and got the statue.

Went and met the dealer.

Packed up the whole statue again and by now it was like second nature.

I just wanted to get it done and get back.

I was worried about going back to that courier company.

because they might start asking questions.

So I looked in the yellow pages, just picked one up.

When I pulled up outside, it was pretty similar to the other courier company.

I thought it'd be the same procedure.

Hi.

Hi, I've got your passport here.

No problem.

And then he asked me for my passport.

Can I see your passport?

Panic rose up in my stomach.

I wasn't expecting that.

I was thinking, all right, what do I say, what do I say?

I just controlled the panic and I said, I'm sorry, I don't have a passport on

me.

Back at the hotel.

I'm very sorry.

But we really need your passport, madam.

Look, I just want to send this parcel.

I've got a train to catch tonight, so I'm in a bit of a rush.

OK, ma 'am.

But next time, we'll have to bring the parcel. Yeah, OK.

I was very relieved that I didn't have to show ID.

I used the same fake name I'd used before, Caroline Phillips.

Thank you.

It wasn't such a big buzz as before.

It was just like, oh, you know, I've done it again.

You know, that'll get there and I'll have the money in a few days and it's

going to be fine.

I was looking forward to getting some coke now and partying again.

It did sort of cross my mind that I was a drug dealer now.

It was becoming quite the norm for me to be doing this.

I had sort of crossed over a line.

I really thought, I'm not going to do this again, this is the last time, but

just enjoy it, have a few more months in Goa and then go home.

I got back to Goa.

and waited a few days and called my contact in Europe and

the parcel hadn't arrived.

She didn't?

I was shocked.

Yeah, but don't worry, honestly. Oh, no, no, no, don't panic.

It must be. I said, I'll find out what's happened and let you know.

I called the courier office in Delhi.

Hi, I'm just calling regarding a parcel. It's Caroline Phillips.

The guy said that the parcel was still sitting in the office.

They'd mislaid the address.

If they sent me a fax with their number on, could I write in the address and

send it back to them?

All right, thank you. Thanks.

Alarm bells started to ring. I was thinking, I'm not sure if that is right.

But it sounded quite feasible that this had happened and that they just needed

these details and then they could send the parcel.

When the afternoon came, I still wasn't sure about whether to go and pick the

fax up.

It was quite late, about five o 'clock.

I was thinking, right, you've got to make a decision now.

I thought, because I'd left it quite a long time, if there had been someone

there, they would have left.

So I decided, yep, let's do it. Just go and get back.

It looked quite quiet inside, so I thought, just be calm, don't look

when you're walking in there.

But my heart was going.

I'd walked in quite slowly, just had a look around.

And there was a guy behind the desk in front of me and no one else in there. So

I thought, oh, that looks OK.

I'd looked at him to see if he was looking suspicious, but he looked very

and relaxed.

So I walked up to the desk.

Hello, I've come to reflect for Caroline Phillips.

My voice was shaking a bit. I was very nervous asking.

I looked at him to see if he'd registered the name.

But there was no reaction from him.

So he went to his inbox.

As he flicked through it, I was thinking, what am I doing? Am I doing

thing?

Does he know there was drugs in that parcel or not?

My adrenaline was going overtime.

And then he found the facts and went to hand it over to me.

I looked around and I saw two guys.

They were so shocked.

I just couldn't believe it. Absolutely gobsmacked.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

I was panicking, thinking, God, what's happened? What am I going to say?

Trying to clear my head to think of a way out of that.

But the policewoman blocked me from going out of the door.

They said that they found Hassan's parcel.

I was thinking, just deny, deny that it's anything to do with you.

They said, right, let's go outside and talk about this.

I'm telling you, I was picking up a plan to go to France.

I was thinking, if only I hadn't have gone in there, if only I could rewind

time.

They took me to the custom housing bar.

The Delhi police arrived to interview me.

I was nervous about seeing them, but I thought I'd just deny everything.

They didn't have any proof.

They said that a parcel had been opened in Delhi and they had found hash

inside a statue.

They just kept on grilling me with questions.

Tell us, what you were doing in Delhi?

I don't know what you're talking about.

At the beginning, I just denied everything I said.

It's nothing to do with me.

You have done a very big mistake and you'll be paying for it.

They were quite aggressive, especially the man.

I was just starting to really panic then because I

didn't know what to do.

How to get myself out of the situation.

They kept on and on and on and then we'd have a break.

Then they'd resume.

They said they had my handwriting on an airway bill.

And that's when it hit me hard that they had evidence because I didn't even

think about that.

They also said that the guy in the courier office had given a description

me.

Everything was making me panic now that they had my handwriting, they had a

description.

They were slowly wearing me down. I was getting really tired because I hadn't

slept.

My brain was just not thinking straight. I was just confused. I didn't know what

to say.

And I was thinking, if I can just get bail and get out.

My mother wouldn't have to know because I was very worried about that.

After about eight hours, I eventually just broke.

You know that you have sent the parcel, just admit it. I just said, OK, OK,

look, you know, I did send that parcel.

I'm very sorry. I made a mistake, and I really regret it.

This was just one -off. I just needed the money, and I truly, honestly regret

now. The police looked relieved.

They made me sign a confession to say that I had sent this parcel.

I remember thinking, oh, God, am I sending my life away?

The police took me to Tihar Jail in Delhi.

It was one of the biggest prisons in the world.

I'd heard about it before and I was very scared to go there.

Hearing the gate bang, hearing that this was the first time,

I just couldn't believe really that I was in jail.

I spent most of the night in the toilet.

I was just really depressed and down, thinking, what's going to happen if you

really get yourself in a mess?

I just thought, God, this is it, this is it, you know, I'm just going to be

living in this hellhole.

I was feeling so angry with myself.

I'd be so stupid.

If I hadn't been taking so many drugs, this never would have happened.

I knew I'd, you know, made a mistake, a big mistake.

The embassy told me that my mum was coming to visit me.

I was really nervous about seeing her.

I felt so guilty.

I just felt terrible about it.

I was going to hurt her so much.

For her to see me after such a long time as she was visiting me in jail, it just

felt all wrong, so, so wrong.

I was really, I'd messed up.

I remember going to the waiting room and seeing my mum.

I started to cry, but I just turned away because I couldn't look at her. She

just looked so hurt.

She was absolutely heartbroken.

She was terrified that I was in jail, in a foreign jail as well.

I'd never seen her that upset.

So, yeah, it was a shock to see that.

Now we've got to get a good lawyer.

and get you out of here.

That was one of the worst times because I just felt that I'd let her down, you

know, I'd let the whole family down, really.

God, I'm getting really emotional.

First couple of years, I was trying to keep my morale up. My lawyer was trying

to say, don't worry, it's only going to be another couple of miles.

But nothing was happening.

Firstly, it was the uncertainty of not knowing when I was going to get out. And

that was always at the back of my mind. How long is it going to take?

I was getting desperate at that point. I thought, you know, when's it going to

end? The courts were so slow.

I said, you have to get me out to my lawyer. And he said, right, OK, we

get you admitted to the mental hospital to try and get you bail on medical

grounds.

I was willing to try anything at that point just to get out of jail.

I went to see the prison doctor and said that I was thinking

about killing myself.

And he said, OK, we'll send you to one of the psychiatrists at the hospital.

I knew it was going to be horrific.

I wasn't expecting anything less than that.

It was much noisier than jail.

There was a lot of screaming, shouting, banging the bars.

And I was very scared about going into that environment.

It was horrific.

It was just so sad.

There was young kids in there, pregnant, who'd been raped in the streets.

They didn't know where they were, and they just pumped full of drugs.

They'd obviously never seen a foreigner before.

They put me in a corner bed because I wanted to be facing the walls so I could

look away.

I was thinking, oh my God, what have I got myself into?

But thinking, right, you've just got to do this and see if you can get out this

way.

There was a lot of fighting.

If they started causing a scene, they would take them off for electric shock

treatment.

It was terrific. I knew, I had a feeling it was going to be like this, but, you

know, I was quite shocked about how bad it was.

After about three weeks, it was slowly taking its toll on me, that you were

around all this madness all day and all night, that you couldn't get away from

it.

I couldn't take it much longer.

It was making me question my insanity.

I just wanted to go back to jail.

Mum?

I remember reading my mum saying, I'm free, I'm free.

I can't believe it!

I'm coming home.

She was just so happy.

Oh my God, it's over, you know, you're finally coming home.

I was just ecstatic.

I've never felt that feeling in my life, I don't think.

The thing I was most looking forward to is just to be free, to be able to walk

in the park or in the street and not hear doors locking behind me

and just to feel what that was like, because I'd forgotten.

They took me from the jail to a deportation camp.

I was told that I could go and pick my passport up.

So really excited about going to get it and know that I'll finally be on the

flight.

It was my lawyer saying that there was a problem.

It goes, no, the police have convinced the High Court judge that you should get

10 years and they're taking you back to jail.

What are you talking about?

I was like, no, no way. I can't go back to jail. I can't. How can they do that?

I just couldn't believe that this was happening. Everything was just crashing

down around me.

I can't do it. I can't do it another five years. I'd rather be dead.

They came to get me.

And I was just fighting the whole way.

telling them to piss off and leave me alone. I was just angry that they could

this. After, they'd let me go, and I'd done with five years.

They drove up outside the jail.

I wouldn't get out of the car, and I was just being really difficult.

I'd had enough. I couldn't do even one more day that. I really had had enough.

Leave me alone!

They were just trying to calm me down.

Eventually, I just said, all right, OK, I'm going in. I'll go in there, all

right. But I knew I didn't have a choice.

I was at the end of my tether

by then. I just couldn't go on.

I just didn't think I'd get through this time. Every day just seemed like

another year.

I was devastated for my mum.

It has been draining my family for five years.

I thought, I don't know if they can take much more.

Three months later, I got a message that my lawyer was coming to see me.

When I walked in, he just had a big smile on his face.

Congratulations. He said, the judge is letting you go.

It's over, you can go home.

Thank you.

I was just ecstatic, so happy, just saying thank you so much, because he'd

really worked hard to get me out.

Thank you.

I really knew this time I was finally going home.

I was nervous about going back to England because it had been so long. I

know how I'd be on the outside, really.

I was looking forward to seeing my mum and finally having closure on the thing.

When I first... I saw my mum. I just burst into tears.

She was crying as well.

Just, you know, finally it was all over and I could now, you know, get on with

our lives.

I've been back now for two years and I'm really enjoying my life.

I'm going to college. I'm studying floristry.

Every day I wake up and I'm always in a good mood.

Life is a bit more precious because it was taken away from me and now I've got

it back. I really appreciate it a lot more than I did.

It's very hard for me to forgive myself for what I put my family through.

I'm sorry for what I did, for the pain I caused.

It was my mistake and I should have just paid for it, but I didn't. You know, my

family paid for it as well.