Original subtitles

All right, coming out of commercial in one and a half, people.

Oh, and as we finish our last show of the season, let me remind everyone,

made it to the end. Yes, all right.

And in honor of that, I have souvenir T -shirts available for $6 .95.

Murph, I just want you to know that I was pulling for you. Oh, come on, Frank.

You bet $100 my water would break by May Day.

People!

I'd like to say something.

When Murphy first announced she was pregnant, I expressed certain doubts

how it would affect her work.

I now admit I was wrong.

And so... Yes, Miles?

And so... Blue moon,

you saw me standing...

Welcome back.

A tobacco company's right to do business versus the public health.

Joining Murphy Brown is Alan Marshall, senior legal counsel to the H .R.

Richards Company.

Murphy? Thank you, Jim.

Mr. Marshall, your company is facing numerous lawsuits brought by cigarette

smokers. With what we now know about the health problems of smoking, how can you

claim to have no liability?

Miss Brown, let me remind you and your viewers that a cigarette package carries

a very clear warning label.

Uh -huh.

Well, yes, but many of these smokers became addicted before that warning

was required by law.

A law which many people consider to be a watershed moment in consuming.

Miss Brown.

Really, so far no one has been able to... Not to throw cold water on your

arguments, but really it just doesn't hold water.

Well, our research shows that... Why don't you think about your answer for a

while while we listen to a word from our sponsors. Jim?

Yes?

FYI will return after this.

And we're into commercial.

Why?

Has anyone had emergency training?

Oh, God.

I need a cigarette, Marty. It would be my privilege to deliver your son right

here on the floor where we first met.

I'll meet the toolbox from my truck.

We're coming out of commercial.

Somebody's got to drive her to the hospital.

Yes, and call Eldon. He's her Lamaze coach. Tell him to bring her bag.

My bag?

You don't have a bag, Pat?

You know, I could use a little more support and a lot less nitpicking.

Go to Murphy's and get what you need.

Corky, your segment's up last. You'll close the show. I'll call Eldon and tell

him to get to the hospital. Oh, my God!

I can't believe it! I've never closed a show before! Did you hear that, Murphy?

I'm closing a show!

Jim, can I borrow your jacket, please?

Oh, certainly, Slugger. What do you think I should say, Murphy?

Any thoughts?

Any thoughts at all?

A little more, Jim.

Ah.

Did I mention you can keep the jacket?

That was the beginning of an incredible journey.

Your journey into the world.

I don't know how old you'll be when you see this, but you may want to fasten

your seatbelt. You're in for quite a ride.

This is Jim Dial.

Uncle Jim.

Uncle Jimmy.

Well, you'll come up with something.

Now, you see, that belt I put around Miss Brown's waist is a fetal monitor.

when a contraction begins, this line starts to curve up. so you'll actually

able to see one coming before she feels it. Truly amazing. Mm -hmm. Miss Brown,

did you understand?

Miss Brown.

Wow, what a view!

Jim, look, the Jefferson Memorial.

Isn't that great? Now when the baby's coming out, I can just lie back and

reflect on one of the architects of democracy.

I must have seen about 7 ,000 patients in my day, but I will always remember

your mother.

We nurses learn to size up people pretty quickly.

When a mother -to -be is interested in the view, it's clear that she's

absolutely unprepared for childbirth.

Your mother asks for binoculars.

I have a question. Was this the upward curve you referred to? Oh, yes.

You're going to have a contraction.

Oh, come on. You don't mean to tell me you could... Boy,

you're right. Are you all right, slugger?

I was merely to drive her to the hospital and drop her off. My

no further than drive and drop.

No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

It's funny. I spent a lot of time worrying about this moment, but now I

can handle it.

Well, if you need anything, just press this call button. I'll be here before

know it. I'm sure you'll do just fine.

Nothing to it.

You know, I see a deck of playing cards up on the bookshelf there. What do you

say we play a game of gin?

Now? You're having a baby and you want to play cards? This is all so civilized.

Gin! I guess you didn't realize I was collecting fours.

Well, enough cards.

How about some television?

I see nutrition with Nancy started a couple of minutes ago. She's going to

us what we can do with jello.

Oh, jeez. So, how are you doing?

Oh, just great.

Don't be surprised if you see my liver suddenly start to appear.

I'm just being sucked inside out. Take it easy, okay? Let's see how you're

coming. Feet up in the stirrups. Let's go. Come on. Giddy up. Oh, goodness.

These parts are certainly in a great disarray. Why don't I return them to

proper numerical order?

Is it pups? Two of pups? Where's that damn three?

Why isn't my doctor here?

This baby's ready to come out, I'm telling you.

The head's out, isn't it?

You look, Tim. I trust you. Okay,

okay, you can close up shop.

Where's the baby?

Why didn't you pull him out? What are you waiting for, an eight -year -old boy

to look up and ask you for help with his whole part?

You're only dilated to three centimeters.

Out of how many?

Ten.

Nurse, excuse me.

I want you to listen to me very carefully.

I have something very important to say to you.

Threat!

Why don't you wait a half hour? A lot of our mothers find they really don't need

them after all. In the meantime, you could take a walk in the hall. That

really help move things along.

I made it. Any baby yet?

No. Where the hell have you been, Frank? Frank, have you seen Eldon? No. I was

at your place packing.

Everything you're going to need.

Six pairs of pantyhose.

I know how much you get when you run out.

Your pink turtleneck.

Oh, yeah, something to sleep in.

You know, you've got a lot of different kinds of bras, Murph, so I brought a

selection.

Your stapler.

Oh, you had this.

leftover chicken in the fridge. I thought it might go bad in a day.

Look, it all made sense at the time, okay? I was in the hurry.

And at one point, I just started grabbing things.

Here's a bathing suit.

This is great.

And what a coincidence.

I was just thinking how I wanted to put on all my underwear and staple

something.

All right, look.

I know I at least did one thing right, Murph. I brought your video camera so I

can... Oh, no. Get that... thing out of here. There's no way you're taking this.

I don't want bootleg copies of me spread out like a wishbone winding up at some

Republican fundraiser. You know, Murph, it occurred to me with Frank here, this

is the perfect time for me to run down to the gift shop and get some cigars.

Can't have a baby born without cigars. By the way, Slugger, I believe another

contraction is coming. Goodbye!

Good old Jim. What a character.

Tell Murph... Is this a contraction?

This looks like it really hurts.

Well, Murph, what does it feel like?

Trust me, Frank, it hurts. Hurts how?

Tightening? Stabbing? Shooting?

Anything? Look, remember that time when I reached out of my car to pick up the

newspaper when I was pulling into my driveway and I fell out and the car ran

over my hand? That hurt a lot.

Is it that kind of pain?

Murph, really, I want to understand.

I know I'm a man, but I want to experience this with you.

Yeah. Come here.

Closer.

Well, kid, I never did get to experience the pain only a woman can feel.

I did, however, get to experience the pain only a man can feel.

Take it from your Uncle Frankie.

Years from now, when your wife goes into labor and she gives you one of these,

don't fall for it.

Well,

Certainly was a day I'll never forget.

I closed the show.

I didn't want to say what Jim always says. I need my own trademark.

So I came up with bye -bye.

I was thinking about saying bye -bye now, but it seemed a little wordy.

Doesn't it?

Do you think I made the right choice?

I'm obsessing, aren't I? This tape is about you, not me.

So, welcome to the world.

And bye -bye.

Now, can I do this again?

This million is parking.

This kid's never coming out.

I'm going to spend the rest of my life making sandwiches and sending them up to

him.

Murphy, why are you walking?

The baby's going to fall out.

Oh, Miles, I'm so happy to see you. I was really frightened you were going to

miss the wonderful...

hours and 22 minutes walking Murphy up and down the halls.

But now it's your turn to share the joy.

I'll be down in the pharmacy renewing my prescription for birth control pills.

All right, Miles.

Let's move it, move it, move it. I want to get this kid out by my 50th birthday.

Where the hell is Eldon? I have no idea.

What do you mean?

He's always in my house. How can I go through delivery without my Lamont's

coach? I called your house for hours, but there was no answer. So finally, I

just drove over to leave him a note.

I heard your phone ringing. I thought it might be him. So I broke one of the

windows to let myself in. They banished it in the emergency room.

Anyway, I guess the noise woke up old man Swenson next door. And he started

yelling that he had a gun and was going to shoot. I yelled, shut up, old man

Swenson. And then you would not believe what happened.

He started to shoot.

A man standing there in his bathrobe and slippers.

firing aimlessly into the night.

I started zigzagging through the yard. The whole time I'm thinking, it always

comes down to this, doesn't it? A crazy Gentile with a gun.

Luckily, he had to put his glasses on to reload and I was able to get away.

Jeez, Miles.

Instead of taking on the dangerous assignment of phoning Eldon, why didn't

just go to Iraq and try to overthrow Hussein?

Okay, okay, look, Murphy, I can tell you're worried, but I want you to know

you're in very good hands.

I'm an executive producer.

I'll just executive produce this baby.

Don't I always take care of everything?

Like the captain of a ship, the pilot of a plane.

parking it isn't easy giving birth i've been told i guess it

wasn't easy from your point of view either because you didn't seem to want

come out but i want you to know your mother was very brave she behaved as

she could under the circumstances you son of a bitch

Irritable.

Maintain eye contact while providing encouragement.

Murph, you're doing very well.

And it won't be much longer now.

How would you know sperm for brain?

Have you ever passed a live turkey?

Jim,

cut me open. Cut me open and get this kid out of me.

and missed a thing, I could hear you yelling all the way across town.

The nurse says you're at 10 centimeters.

It's time to push.

The Lamaze coach can stay. Everybody else out.

You know, every now and then you get a

taste for crab cakes.

So I drive to Maryland. Nothing takes the place of authentic. Remember that.

Now, when I get back, I notice there's a broken window.

I go inside.

Drawers are open, things are strewn about, and oddly, there's a trail of

brassieres on the stairs, and the stapler's missing.

Now, it takes me about half a day to file a police report. When I finally get

back to the house, I notice the phone machine.

You know where it says how many messages there are?

47.

Come on, Murphy.

You've got to focus. Take a deep breath and push.

I can't.

I'm too tired.

I'm here. I'm here. What?

I was in Maryland. The window was busted, and I don't want to worry you or

nothing, but the good stapler's missing.

It doesn't matter, Eldon.

I'm not doing this. I changed my mind. I don't want a baby. Let's go home now.

of trouble focusing. If she doesn't push, it could get complicated.

Oh, see, I'm not really ready for this. I mean, I am ready, but this is the

real thing, the main event. I mean, if there's maybe a place where I could go

for a few seconds to maybe meditate.

I can only deal with one patient at a time.

If you can't help, I suggest you wait outside.

Come on, Murphy.

Push.

Just leave me alone.

I never should have tried to do this.

Just leave me here to die.

Okay, now.

Come on.

We can do this.

Remember our training? I want you to focus.

I can't. Yes.

Yes, you can. I want you to tune out everything else and just listen to the

sound of my voice.

Hanging down. A wiggle in a walk and a giggle in a talk.

Deep breath.

Hold it. And push.

Good, Murphy.

This time, try to push a little longer. Deep breath.

And one, two.

Murphy, it's not every day you have a baby, so I wanted to get you something

special. Here.

It's a house account at Phil's.

First one we've ever given out.

Oh, Phil.

And it's made out to Baby Brown.

And I put strained carrots on the menu.

Mostly for the baby, but some of the senior members of the Supreme Court have

been lobbying for it.

for a while and he's gonna want to be fed soon fed oh god this is weird

my body's making milk it's like one day suddenly you find you can get bacon out

of your elbow everyone i think we should be going now

it's time for murphy to have some quiet time with the baby so they can start the

bonding process no no no

Listen.

You know that I don't have many heroes.

But this morning, at 5 .32 a .m., I found one.

You.

Sometimes you really surprise yourself with what you can do.

You know, I know that this is impossible, but he

seems to have my eyes.

Hey, hey, I see a little fella.

Here you go.

Now, you buzz me if you need anything.

Oh, wait.

Are you going to go, too?

There are so many things I need to know.

Is he too young to watch television?

If he doesn't grow any teeth, is there a number I can call?

If I don't come up with a name for him in, say, a year, is that a very bad

thing? You're very funny.

Hi. She got a little hat.

Mother would have loved it.

While we're on the subject of mothers, I better warn you up front.

I'm not going to be like other mothers.

I don't cook or sew or make stuffed animals talk in funny voices.

But I promise that you won't have to wait until after the cake to open your

birthday presents.

I'm going to make a lot of mistakes.

I'll try to keep it under 750.

Are we bonding yet?

I can't tell.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

Damn, mistake number one. Oh, I'm sorry. I swore now that's mistake number two.

Murph, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I know you said no videos of the birth, but I've been putting the camera to use

the past couple of hours.

It's sort of a present we're working on for the baby.

And I was thinking if I could... Just get one more thing. It would be

Oh, gee, Frank, I don't know. I'm such a mess.

Oh, no, Murph, you look great. Come on.

Send a message.

Just a few words to let the kid know who you are.

Whatever you feel comfortable with.

And when my soul was in the lost and found,

how...

You came along to claim it.

I didn't know just what was wrong with me

till your kiss helped me name it.

Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for.

And if I make you happy.

I don't need to do more cause you make me feel

you make me feel you make me

feel like a natural

Thank you.