Original subtitles

All right, look alive, people. We're coming out of commercial in 60 seconds.

Where the hell is Murphy?

She's never going to make it back from the bathroom in time. Not with all that

extra weight she's hauling around.

Miles, why aren't you doing anything?

I am doing something.

I'm refusing to panic.

because that's what Murphy wants.

She's testing me. Her whole pregnancy is about testing me. The increasing absent

-mindedness, the mood swings, the constant racing into the bathroom. All

wants to do is provoke my hysteria. Well, it's not going to happen. Not this

time. Oh, man.

You know, the woman's memory is shot.

Maybe she forgot why she went to the bathroom.

Maybe she's just sitting in there waiting for the in -flight movie to

I refuse to panic.

Do you hear that, Murphy?

I'm picking up a newspaper.

I'm doing the crossword puzzle.

Six down, an aquatic mammal. All right, 30 seconds to air. Oh, God, I can't see

the letters.

I'm blind.

I'm blind.

Are you happy now, Murphy? Here she comes. Something's coming.

All right, now, darling, come on. You can make it. Come on.

Oh, God.

Who ever made those hot air hand dryers is a moron. Chair assistant.

Come on, Carl. I need a counterweight. Easy to eat.

I think I can't get any bigger, and then I do.

Okay! She's in! She's in!

Remind me, do I have 10 or 12 minutes to interview Mr. what's -his -name?

Fremont Charles, insurance fraud. Isn't he just ringing the bell? Okay, okay, I

got it. All right, better smile, Miles. We're going live in 5, 4, 3...

Welcome back.

With us tonight is Mr. Charles Fremont, President and Chief Executive Officer

of... of the...

No, no, no, don't tell me. I can get it.

Um, the... Murphy, you know there isn't a person in the world I respect more

than you.

Oh, great.

The last time someone said that to me, I got pregnant.

I think you should mention your pregnancy, since that's the very topic I

to discuss.

Uh, Murphy, we need to plan... We need to plan for the time you

won't be here.

for the time when I won't be here. I already told you, Miles, I have every

intention of working right up until the last minute. Murphy, it's time to be

realistic. The baby could come any day. What about all those big stories you're

working on? I think I have to find a temporary replacement.

Miles.

I am surprised that you, a Harvard graduate, would have so little knowledge

the history of childbirth. Why, pioneer women would frequently give birth right

in the middle of plowing and then immediately return to their chores.

In fact, that's one of the reasons for the umbilical cord. It supplies

nutrients, but it also doubles as a leash.

I think it's time to face it. You're going to have to miss a few shows. But

important thing to remember is that it is just a temporary replacement. You've

got nothing to feel threatened about. Me? Threatened? Come on, I'm not

threatened. But hey, if you think you need to find a replacement, I'll even

suggest someone.

A reporter with a strong background in investigative journalism and the ability

to go head -to -head with world figures.

I think the answer's obvious.

Joe Garagiola.

Gee, Murphy, as intriguing as that suggestion is, I think Gene Kinsella's

already talking to someone.

What do you mean he's talking to someone? Who's he talking to?

A woman named Hillary Wheaton. She's an anchor on a magazine show out of

Toronto. We thought the best way to test her is to have her sit in during next

week's show. If all goes well, she'll fill in for you while you're gone.

Gee, a woman from Canada.

Is she going to be sitting in my chair?

He's going to be touching my pencils.

She's going to try to push the metric system on everybody. They do that, you

know.

I know this is hard for you, Slugger. On the one hand, we all want you to work

as long as you feel capable.

On the other hand, you're huge and you're crazy.

Murph, you have got nothing to worry about. I don't care how good this

Wheaton is. I'm going to hate her.

That's the kind of friend I am. You know the humiliating part? I'm being

replaced by someone from Canada. What kind of news stories do they do there?

Moose loose, moose caught, more snow.

Good night.

Disgusting mess, and I'll understand if no one wants to be around me today.

We don't know what you're talking about, Murphy. We think you look glowing.

Tell me, Frank, do men find pregnancy attractive?

Have a donut. Saves you a jelly.

Oh, jelly.

Maybe today will be okay after all.

I'd like you to meet Hillary Wheaton. Hello. Oh, hello.

Hillary, this is Jim Dial, our senior anchor. How do you do? Of course. You

know, Jim, I recently ran into Walter Cronkite at a reception in Toronto.

And when I told him I was coming to FYI, he called you the finest anchor in

broadcast journalism today.

Now that he's off the air.

Walter, no one can beat a good joke into the ground like he can. Welcome aboard,

Hillary. Thanks, Jim. It's an honor to be here among the best. Oh, brother, the

flattery routine.

And this is Corky Sherwood Forrest. Oh, yes.

I saw your piece on retired police dogs.

You know, to be honest, I'm usually only interested in hard news, but it touched

me. Why, thank you.

You know, I learned a lesson from that story, too.

Never say...

him up to a police dog as a joke, no matter how old he is.

Don't worry, Murph, I'm not falling for this.

And, uh, I'm Frank Fontana, but, uh, I suppose you've seen my work.

Yes, I have.

Of course, Murphy Brown, who appears to have been shot by the donut sniper.

I... Murphy...

I know this could be a bit awkward, and I wanted to make sure we got off on the

right foot, so I brought you a little present.

Oh? Well, how about that, Murphy?

A present. What a lovely gesture.

No wonder they call Canada our friend of the north.

An airplane ticket.

With your name on it.

One way back to Toronto. That's right. I just wanted to assure you that I'm not

looking to become a fixture around here.

As soon as you're ready to come back to work, you give me that ticket, and I'm

on the next plane.

This is good.

Really good.

It reminds me of something I might do, except that I'd try to build a show for

the ticket. But other than that, it's very impressive.

Oh, thank God, because if that didn't work, all I had left was my watch and 50

bucks Canadian.

Well, call me crazy, but I think this is going to work out just fine.

I'm compelling.

Three -part series on the LAPD got me a Peabody Award.

Frank.

Okay, since you're going to be taking over my Pentagon piece, why don't we

screening some footage? Then I'll take you to lunch at Phil's. It's nothing

fancy, but it's kind of a Washington tradition.

I don't care where we go as long as the hamburgers are American and the scotch

is aged. I could use a drink after that trip. I know, I need that flight to

Toronto. Actually, I was talking about the cab ride from the airport.

Now, Murph, don't go boring Hillary with stories about my Gulf War coverage.

First time I interviewed President Reagan.

I just happened to mention that I was Canadian.

He took both my hands, looked me straight in the eye and said, Nancy and

love your bacon.

Hey there, Murphy.

Hiya, Bill. There's somebody I'd like you to meet. This is Hillary Wheaton.

Oh, I know who she is. Pleased to meet you, Hillary.

Word is the network's pretty high on you.

Haven't heard this kind of a buzz since Murphy came to town.

Yeah, well, that's great. Phil, could we order now?

Oh, I... I forgot it's 15 minutes past Murphy's feeding time.

I've never seen anybody put it away like Murphy can.

Okay, Phil, it's always nice talking to you. I'll have a small chef's salad and

a club soda.

Yeah, right.

What can I get you, Hillary?

I'll have a burger, medium rare, and a scotch on the rocks, please.

Enjoy your lunch. And, Murphy, I got a couple of slices of coconut cake in the

back. Do you want it before the salad, after, or shall I just mix them

Goodbye, Phil.

You know, Murphy, I have to admit I'm a little nervous about the audition. I

mean, let's face it.

American network television is the big league.

Oh, don't let it get to you, Hillary. The network brass wouldn't have picked

if they didn't think you could handle the job.

Oh, right. These are the same people who thought no one would ever pay for

cable.

Here you go.

One club soda, one scotch on the rocks. Gee, Phil.

Couldn't you have at least brought some rolls?

It's not that I always eat the rolls. It's just that they look nice on the

table.

Yeah, Phil, as long as you have to come back anyway, why don't I order another

round now and save you a trip? In fact, make it a double. You got it.

Be right back.

Well, hey, look who it is.

Oh, gee, Miles.

Oh, Murphy, I know you think I'm here to check up on you two, but that couldn't

be further from the truth.

Nope, I'm just here to have lunch. Lunch and nothing more.

Before I do, how's it going?

Getting along okay?

Breaking some bread? Sharing a few laughs? Not being threatened?

No cuts, bruises, or contusions of any kind? Oh, nice.

Assuming that just because we're two women, we're going to wind up rolling on

the floor, scratching and spitting. Very modern thinking.

Don't worry, Miles.

If we have any problems, we'll settle them like men. We'll bottle up our

feelings, get heart attacks, and die.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the ladies' room so you two can talk

about me.

She is pretty great, isn't she?

Oh, yeah.

She's great.

Uh -oh.

What's wrong?

What's the matter?

I don't know.

I probably shouldn't even get into it. It's none of my business.

Murphy, if it affects the show, it's my business.

Tell me, is there a problem?

Actually, Hillary has a problem.

A drinking problem.

She told you that?

Not exactly.

I can just tell.

What do you mean you can just tell? What does that mean? It means that I have an

intuition. Oh.

Oh. Oh, I see. An intuition.

Well, whoa. I guess I've been going about this news game all wrong. I've

spending a lot of time digging for facts. But, hey, I'm open to change.

Next week, we'll have you read Mario Cuomo's tea leaves.

And after that, you can amaze us by bending a fork with your thought rate. I

know what I'm talking about, Miles.

You didn't see her face when Phil brought her a drink. It was like someone

throwing her a life preserver.

You know what I think?

I think you're feeling a little threatened by her, so maybe you saw

that wasn't there. Miles, I'm telling you, I've seen that look in the eyes

before.

Mostly in the mirror.

So, Miles, did Murphy manage to set you straight? You know, we're practically a

team already.

I think this week is going to be great.

Well, I'll tell you what, Hillary.

To celebrate, why don't I buy you a drink? Oh, thanks, Miles, but I've got

on the way. Anything more than that and I'll be standing on the table singing

Oh, Canada, an experience you definitely don't want. No, I can tell when I've

reached my limit.

Well, then, I guess I'll just be on my way to continue my job of reporting the

news in a fact -based and non -voodoo -like manner.

Corky, have you seen Hillary yet today?

Why do you care, Frank?

You broke your lunch date with her two days ago. You were supposed to have

drinks with her last night, and you canceled that, too.

By now, she probably thinks you hate her. Perfect. Everything is going

according to plan.

talking about?

It's simple. Whenever I meet a woman like Hillary, strong, independent,

incredibly attractive, and I let her know I'm interested, nothing.

So this time, I decided to play it cool.

It's just like a cat.

Ignore them, next thing you know, they're sitting right in your lap.

Great plan, Frank.

But wouldn't it just be easier to put some friskies down your pants?

Watch and learn, Corky. Watch and learn.

Oh, good morning, Corky. Morning!

Well, hi there, Frank.

I just saw a rough cut of your piece on the Iraqi military.

It was very impressive.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I was just about to invite him back to my hotel room tonight for a

quiet dinner.

But that man has problems.

Who needs him?

Well, Frank's going through a rough period right now.

As a matter of fact, I have to go tell him his cat just died.

here. I called you a couple of times this morning. Didn't you get my

Um, actually, I did. I just didn't have time to call you back. You wanted to

discuss strategy for the Admiral Hutchinson interview, right? It's a good

The guy could be tough. Oh, I already did the interview, and it went pretty

well. In fact, he ended up showing me next year's manpower projections.

He showed you projections?

Did you hear that, Murphy?

Hillary's only been here six days, and Admiral Hutchinson already showed her

Pentagon paperwork?

You know, you might want to get a quote from Tom Foley just so you can get the

House's reaction to the defense budget.

I already did. Did you hear that, Murphy? She already did. Plus, I talked

Mitchell in the Senate. Did you hear that, Murphy? She talked to Mitchell and

Foley. I heard it, Miles. Maybe when you leave FYI, you can get a job at the UN

as a translator for Scotland. Excuse me.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

Excuse me.

Murphy, can we talk for a minute?

Yeah. Let me just pull my file on the Air Force development budget. No, no,

This is personal.

Oh.

One of the reasons I wanted this assignment was to spend time with you.

But whenever I make some kind of gesture, you push me away. I don't

it, Murphy.

Because we have so much in common.

We're both anchor women. We share a lot of the same experiences.

We have the same drinking problems.

What?

I think you know what I'm talking about, Hillary.

That's why I've been keeping my distance.

I've got an awful lot going on in my life right now. I just don't think I can

face those demons again.

Oh, this is incredible. I mean, I was prepared for a lot of excuses, but this

pretty low stuff, huh?

Ooh, righteous indignation. A bold choice.

I myself started with shock and dismay and then worked my way up to that.

I am a highly competent professional.

Do I really look like I have a drinking problem?

No. And neither did I.

Because I was a master at covering all my tracks so that I always got by.

I must say, you're getting by very nicely, Hillary.

I know what this is about.

It's about jealousy, plain and simple.

You have to find some way to undercut me, so this is it, right? Come on,

Hillary. Drop the act.

Let's have a real conversation.

I know where you're heading.

There's a crash coming, and believe me, it's going to be a big one.

Why don't you let me help you? I'll tell you who has the problem, Murphy. You

do. Just because you don't know how to drink, nobody can, right? This isn't

about me. It's about you. Well, maybe you have time for this garbage, Murphy,

but I don't.

You know, I did everything I could think of to keep you from feeling threatened.

I guess it just wasn't enough, huh?

So then I said to... What's the name of the legal, the tall guy with the

mustache? Bill. I said to Bill, it's not my job to worry if the network's going

to be sued. That's what we've got. What do you call it for?

Insurance. Uh -huh. So then he told me to take it to a higher, you know...

Level? Yeah.

So then I said... I said... What the hell did I say?

This is a fascinating conversation, Murphy. I only wish we'd started it when

was about 20.

Gee, Jim, a little sympathy would be nice. It's frustrating for me, too, you

know. I don't know if it's just the pregnancy or I've got that disease where

can't remember things.

What's the name of it? Oh, for the love of Mike.

Twenty -five minutes of showtime, people. Oh, wonderful.

Twenty -five minutes to me not being on the show.

Twenty -five minutes to me standing in some dark corner of the stage watching a

monitor. Twenty -five minutes to me being... Oh, please, Murph, come on.

Well, it's hard.

I really loved my Pentagon budget story. I loved it very much.

Now someone else is doing it. Where is Hillary, anyway?

She's in Murphy's office. She said she had to do some final rewrites.

The woman is fantastic.

A real perfectionist. Look, I don't want to interrupt her while she's working.

When you see her, tell her we already went down to the studio. Okay, Murphy?

Okay.

Oh, no.

I must be falling asleep.

I've just been working so hard here.

Yeah. Uh -huh. Working hard.

It smells lovely in here.

Reminds me of the stock room at the liquor barn.

Ah.

Here it is.

Ooh. Expensive stuff.

Well, at least you're a discriminating drunk. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I had a little drink. I just needed to relax and I will be fine by showtime.

You've got 15 minutes.

Oh, God.

Looking for the bottle, are you?

Boy, this takes me back.

I can't do this show without a drink.

I can't go to sleep without a drink.

And my personal favorite.

I can't go out for a drink without a drink.

You know, Murphy, this holier -than -thou attitude of yours, I've had about

that I can take. If you don't mind, take a hike, because I've got a broadcast to

do.

Hillary, you can't go on the air tonight.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd like that a lot.

Oh, what the hell am I doing?

I don't need to go through this again. I'm out of here.

I just want to say one thing.

I know you, Hillary.

I know all the pushing and the work and everything you've given up just to get

to this point.

All the years of missing people's birthdays, finding yourself alone in

airport on Saturday nights.

All that sacrifice just to get a chance like this.

And you're blowing it in one hour.

Good for you.

Murphy, wait.

Okay, okay.

I got myself into a little trouble tonight, but you know how it is. I mean,

business is so hard, especially for a woman, and the pressure of live

television. Sorry, Hillary.

You put the blame where you want.

In the end, it's just you and the mirror.

You can only beat this if you're going to admit you need help.

Oh, I think I just need a little vacation.

I haven't had any time off in three years. Maybe a little rest. Oh, boy, I

have the energy for this.

I can't even tie my own... I can't even see my own shoes.

Look, Hillary.

I can get you through this.

But you've got to admit you need help or I'm not putting myself through another

80 -proof ringer.

What's it going to be?

I know you're right, Murphy.

I need to be a better person.

Hillary, that's not what I said.

Listen to me.

You need help.

Say it. I understand.

Counseling is probably the way to go. You know, I tried it once, but the

therapist was such an idiot. Hillary.

I need help.

Say it.

I just want it to be great tonight.

Oh, God.

How did I let this happen?

Say it.

I need help.

All right.

All right, this is good.

This is the first step. There's 11 others, but we'll get around to that

Okay, I'm a little out of practice, but here's what we do.

We try to find a good excuse for your not doing a show tonight.

I'll fill in for you this week. You do the show next week.

Now, the key is to find a believable excuse.

I've got it.

Food poisoning. It's quick, dramatic, and no one wants to know the details.

It's amazing how this all comes back to you.

Murphy, I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, that's easy.

You'll let me make you a reservation at Betty Ford.

I'll try to get you my old room. I carved a couple of pretty raunchy

in the middle desk drawer.

Now, I'll need your notes.

I've got to get to the set.

Who am I interviewing again?

The Secretary of Defense.

What's his name?

Oh, God, it's right on the tip of my tongue.

It begins with a C.

I've known my man for years.

Richard something.

Chamberlain. No.