Original subtitles

Murphy, as a medical professional, I feel it's my duty to tell you, if you

stop eating so much, the next time I weigh you, it's gonna be down at the

Oh, sure, blame me.

You're the one that has a giant bowl of carrot clusters in the waiting room. By

the way, it needs refilling. Now, listen.

The worse shape you're in, the harder your delivery's going to be. Haven't

talked about that in your Lamaze class?

Oh, right, the Lamaze class.

You know, I was going to sign up, and then I started thinking, this whole

natural childbirth thing doesn't seem very practical. We're both busy women.

I just thought maybe we could go ahead and schedule a cesarean right now.

Let me get this straight. You want to schedule a C -section?

Uh -huh. Now, my due date is the 17th, but that's a Sunday and all the good

stores are closed, which means I'll wind up with a room full of junk from the

hospital gift shop. So I thought maybe we could do it on Monday the 18th, and

I'm not really a morning person, so could we do it after lunch?

Why not wait until after dinner? I'm always a little looser after a couple of

glasses of Chardonnay.

Murphy, we do not schedule C -sections unless there's a solid medical reason

it. I'm surprised at you. I would have thought you would want the whole natural

childbirth experience.

All right, the unforgettable thrill of passing a bowling ball. Oh, boy, sign me

up.

Don't look, Murphy.

If you didn't want to go through the harvest, you shouldn't have let that

plant your field.

Gee, to get yourself a partner and sign up for one of those Lamaze classes as

soon as possible.

Okay, okay, but I still say it's a waste of time.

I already know how to breathe, and I'm the last person in the world that needs

to learn how to push.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Hey, Murr, how's it going?

Working at the old computer, huh?

Good.

Just thought I'd drop by.

See how things went at the doctor today?

176 pounds, Frank.

Unbelievable. Earl in the mail room wins the pool again.

Frank, I have to ask you something.

It's kind of silly, and I'll understand if you say no, but I signed up for one

of those natural childbirth classes where you need a coach, and I was

would you... Are you kidding?

Of course I'll do it. I mean...

To actually help bring a child into the world? I can't imagine anything that

would be more incredible.

And the fact that it's your kid?

Oh, Murph, I can't tell you what this means to me.

Great. The first class is this Saturday.

I can't make it. What do you mean you can't make it? Oh, I've got to be in

Connecticut for the closing of that Naples shipyard. But I can make all the

of the classes. You just take notes, and I'll catch up when I get back.

I don't know, Frank.

I don't think this is going to work. I'm taking one of those compressed classes

that covers everything in two weekends. You'll miss too much. Oh, man.

My best friend, a once -in -a -lifetime experience, and I won't be there.

Murph, I'm going to make this up to you. I'm going to find somebody to take my

place, somebody who's not out of town half the time.

What about Jim?

Oh, right. I'm going to ask someone who's too embarrassed to order breast of

chicken and mixed company.

Come on. Now, Jim would do anything for you, and I think you at least owe him

the chance to say yes.

Okay, it's worth a shot. Why not?

Jim! Buddy!

Guess what?

Murphy just got back from the doctor, and she has got some great news for you,

don't you, Murph? Well, I won the pool!

Yes! And Earl in the mailroom said 200 pounds was over the top.

Jim, Jim, you didn't win the pool.

Murphy wants you to be her Lamaze partner.

Oh.

Oh, my.

What an unexpected surprise.

Oh, Jim, I didn't mean to embarrass you. It's okay. It was just a stupid idea.

No, no, no. Murphy, I'm deeply flattered. It's just that I come from a

generation that doesn't handle this sort of thing very well. Honestly.

Doris and I were married five years before we stopped undressing in the

It's okay, Jim. I understand.

No, I'm sorry, Murphy, but if there's anything else you need, you can count on

me. Why, I'll even drive you and the little fellow home from the hospital, as

long as we can find some way to protect my upholstery against any unforeseen

baby leakage.

As a matter of fact, I think the seats are already treated, and if they're not,

perhaps there's still time. Why don't I call my dealership and find out right

now?

All right.

So Jim's out. There are a lot of other possibilities.

What about Miles?

He's used to dealing with pressure.

Miles, come here a sec.

Go ahead, ask him.

Ask me what?

Miles, would you like to be my Lamaze partner?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Murphy, that you would ask me to do this?

It means so much.

This isn't something you ask your boss.

This is something you ask a friend, a close friend, someone you really...

couldn't do it, right?

Scheduling problems.

It's okay. I understand.

I mean, you've known each other since you got here. But the fact that you

pick me second, that is still so...

Jim was second, wasn't he?

Miles, first choice, third choice, who cares?

The point is, you're the one who's going to do it. You're the one she's going to

be depending on. That's all that matters.

You're right, Frank. I was just being selfish. This isn't about me. It's about

Murphy. Hi!

What are you all talking about?

Miles is going to be Murphy's Lamaze partner.

Really?

Story meeting after the baby's born?

Oh, I'll look across the table and I won't just see Murphy Brown, hard -nosed

journalist and colleague.

No, I'll see a woman whose innermost secrets were spread out in front of me

a buffet table.

Maybe we should just forget about this. I'm going to spend the rest of my life

trying.

Okay, this is not a problem. We've still got lots of options.

Of course you do.

I think I got rid of that reflection that caused that trash can fire next

Do you have a minute? I wanted to talk to you about something.

Sure. Great. Why don't we just go sit on the sofa, put our feet up, and have a

chat, okay?

Okay.

Comfy?

Why are you being so nice? Oh, God, did you hit my truck again?

Isn't it funny how when you have a problem and you don't think there's a

solution, sometimes you look in front of you and you see that the answer has

been there the whole time?

Eldon, what I'm trying to say is, Eldon, I want you to be my Lamaze partner.

Oh.

So, my moment of truth has come at last.

You know, for some reason, I never pictured it like this.

I thought we'd be in the kitchen. I don't know why.

I know we're kind of an unlikely pair, but since you've been so excited and

concerned about this baby, I thought this might be something you'd want to

So did I. I mean, wow, I always figured that when this tiny

person took its first breath that I would be there, but now that it's

happening, I realize...

Well, we're talking major commitment here. You know, I've always been a free

spirit. I'm a rambling man. I don't stick around in one place very long.

you've been painting my house for four years.

Okay, okay, but I could have left if I wanted to. See, that's my point.

If I do this, then I'm part of something much bigger than I am.

And maybe I'd never be able to leave again.

Wow, is that something I really want?

All right, I understand.

As a matter of fact, I don't even know if I'm going to take this class myself.

I'm only doing it because my doctor wanted me to.

It would probably be a complete waste of time.

Wait a minute.

What are you saying? That you're going to go into this thing totally alone and

unprepared? You know what a screamer you are.

You'd probably alienate everyone at the hospital, create an environment of

hostility, bitterness.

I can't let a child be born into a room with that kind of energy.

Eldon, are you telling me you'll do it?

I'll take the class and see how it feels, but that's all I can promise

now. Thank you.

I know what a big step this is for you.

What, are you kidding? The last time I made this kind of commitment, I had to

buy four albums a year at regular club prices.

Now, before we begin, I want to congratulate you all on choosing Natural

Childbirth.

one of the most magical and profound experiences of your lives.

All you need is your innate ability to love and support each other.

Oh, sure, take the cop's side. Serious crimes are being committed, and he spent

this day stopping pregnant women from minor traffic violations.

You made a U -turn across four lanes. How else was I gonna get that parking

space? Hi, I'm sorry we're late.

Oh,

it's no problem. We were just getting started.

Honey, it's Murphy Brown.

Hey, how about that?

We got a celebrity in the class.

Now, as far as Mother Nature is concerned, there are no celebrities.

I don't want anyone here thinking of me as special.

Okay, who are you?

I'm Murphy Brown.

I'm on television.

I do the news.

I was on the news once.

A car came through the window of a record store I worked at.

I was knocked all the way into easy listening.

we should get started.

Murphy, why don't you and Mr. Brown take a seat? Whoa, whoa, whoa. My name is

Eldon Bernicke. I am not her husband.

I'm the house painter.

Hey, it's okay, man.

As long as you love each other, right?

Oh, what a series of strange and twisted events that has brought me to this

place today.

I'll be teaching you techniques to help alleviate the anxiety surrounding the

birth process.

One technique is to visualize something that makes you feel secure or happy.

What are some of the things you'd visualize?

Elizabeth? Well, I would picture our beautiful and brilliant new baby asleep

her custom -made crib with sheets by Laura Ashley.

Good answer.

Practical, stylish, emotionally arresting. How many points do we get for

not keeping score, Jonathan.

Lisa?

Well, I think I'd like to visualize our little dog, Pepper, especially the way

he wags his tail when it's dinner time.

That's a great image.

Sally? My rose garden on a sunny day with the beams of light sort of dancing

the red and pink petals.

Wonderful. And what are you seeing, Morphy?

A big fat IV full of painkillers.

Please, work with the woman here.

You know, we're going to get to D -Day and be totally unprepared. Instead of

being in a rose garden with a cute little puppy, we're going to be on a

bobsled to hell.

Okay, I think what I'm hearing here is a little bit of fear.

After all, this is a life -altering experience.

It's natural to have some concerns.

Let's express our fears now and confront them.

Anyone?

Well, actually, we do have some fears.

This is our first baby.

Dave and I always concentrated on our careers, and I was going to say that!

And? Well, at our age, we know it won't be easy.

But we're a team, and we're going to face this thing together.

Excuse me, Dave.

Together? What exactly do you mean by that? You'll push out the baby for a few

hours while Sally strolls across the street to the driving range to hit a

of balls?

I just want to remind everyone I'm not her husband.

Mr. Murphy, I think all Dave is saying is that he wants to do whatever he can

make it easy for his wife.

In committing to this process, the birth coach takes on tremendous

responsibility. The mother may become completely dependent on him, looking to

him to help her through the most challenging hours of her life.

Yes, Eldon.

Uh, yeah, I have a few questions.

Is the baby slippery when it comes out?

And will I be wearing a glove or some sort of mitt to catch the baby?

Has anyone ever dropped the baby?

And can the baby see, like, if I was to take off, and would it remember that

later in life?

You're going to do fine now, then.

Huh?

Touch relaxation is a way of reducing anxiety.

Light stroking of the hair should be done in the gentle even rhythm to

calming effect

practicing a relaxation technique.

Well, geez, why don't you just toss me a biscuit and check my belly for tics?

You know, I don't understand this. I'm the only one who's doing any work here.

Oh, why should I work? Everything they're teaching is just common sense.

When the time comes, the baby will be born, and that's it.

Sorry for the delay.

I was on the phone with Robin.

He and Lisa had their baby.

Oh, wait a minute.

What do you mean they had their baby?

She's not due until a week after I am.

This might be a good time to remind everyone that a due date is just an

approximation. The important thing is that Robbie and Lisa came through with

flying colors.

Oh, yeah? Let's hear some specifics. How long did it take?

Not unusually long for a first baby. Well, what does that mean? 10 hours?

15? 20?

39.

Did you hear that?

39 hours.

That's a bus ride to Boise.

Well, Dave, this may be tougher than we thought.

Gee, no kidding.

Tell me, Dave, have you ever tried to get out of your car through the exhaust

pipe?

Why don't we practice the breathing techniques we learned last week?

Let's start with the pattern for active labor.

Okay, what do we do?

Oh, I see. You don't pay attention. You don't read the literature. Then expect

me to come to your aid.

Eldon, would you please?

Okay, you do this.

Hold it.

That can't be right.

What are you doing?

Stop watching me.

Chris, he's copying us!

I was not. I was simply admiring their technique.

Maybe there's something I can do to show you how important all this is. Get

comfortable, everybody.

First sensations are felt.

You're about to begin your labor of love.

Hang in there, honey. You're doing great.

She's beautiful, honey.

And so are you.

So there you have it. The birth experience.

Up close and personal.

It's one thing to talk about it in theory, and another to actually witness

process with all its wonders and its... What the hell was that?

You know, Dave, you've got an awful lot to say for somebody without a uterus.

All right, now, let's buckle down here.

Transition labor. Who can tell me what that is?

I'm sorry, Murphy.

It's almost 5 o 'clock. Time to call an end to our training.

I hope you all found the class helpful, and I wish you the best of luck.

I can stand, walk, sit in a rocking chair. We'll tell you how it all goes.

yeah, yeah.

What are you teaching again?

Murphy, may I tell you something?

I'd rather give birth to a two -ton flatbed truck than to go through another

class with you.

No, no, that's not enough. A two -ton truck loaded with...

But this is really gonna happen.

Eldon, I don't know if I'm ready for this baby.

Well, you don't know. What about me?

I mean, I came to this class expecting to figure some things out.

And look at me. I can't even figure out how to get this baby out of this stupid

sweater.

Still, I always act like such a jerk.

Making fun of love and togetherness and all that stuff.

I guess it just makes me uncomfortable.

I've always done things on my own.

And usually, it's been okay.

But... I don't know.

Maybe I've finally hit that place in my life where... it's time to admit I need

somebody.

Elvin, I'd like that somebody to be you.

You know, as an artist, I tend to look at people as works in progress.

Some don't turn into very much, and others can really surprise you.

You know, when I first met you, I thought, well, you had some interesting

colors, but I have to be honest, I really wasn't very impressed.

But lately, those tones have been getting much deeper.

It's... It's a real nice look for you.

What are you saying, Eldon?

Are you saying you'll do it? You'll be there for me?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Thank you.

Come on, I'll take you home.

I'm still pretty scared about this whole thing, you know.

I know.

Just breathe.

He, he, he, ho.

He, he, he, ho. Hang in there, honey. You're going to do just fine.

Honey? It was in the movie.