Original subtitles

Excuse me. Could you remove your hands, please?

Buddha's getting off.

Unbelievable.

People are constantly touching me. I feel like an exhibit at the Children's

Museum. You know what it is? We live in an overcrowded city where there's no

escape from any nutcase who comes along.

Good morning, everyone.

What is wrong with living in the city? I'm sure you'll tell us. Dirt, crime,

traffic, noise. How long have you heard me complaining about it? Well, Murphy,

you do a lot of complaining. I don't think any of us have had the time to

it down by subject heading.

Well, you've heard the last of my complaints because I'm finally doing

about it. Oh, boy, here it comes.

The farm speech.

She's fed up with the city. She's going back to the land. And on her farm,

she'll grow some food. E -I -E -I -O.

I understand that you're bitter, Miles. I was bitter, too, when I was a pasty

-faced, smog -sucking city dweller. but that was before yesterday, the day I

bought a farm.

Get out of here.

I did.

It's on five acres in Virginia with a rambling old farmhouse and a red rooster

weather vane. I drove up to see it yesterday and fell in love.

I can't believe it. You actually bought a farm just like that?

It takes me three weeks to buy a comb.

Well, I haven't bought it yet technically, Frank. The broker said I

and spend a few days getting the feel of the place before I make up my mind, so

I'm going to go up on the weekend.

Oh, what a wonder. thing for you and the baby, Murphy.

You know, growing up on a farm is very educational.

I learned a lot about life.

Although, if you're too young the first time you see sheetmate, it can cause

flashbacks during your honeymoon.

Wow.

A weekend alone in the country?

No stress.

No deadlines.

Forget it, Frank. I'm not taking you. Oh, come on, Murph. I need to get away.

The guy in the next apartment just bought a stereo and he keeps playing

Herb Alpert records.

If I hear The Lonely Bull one more time... You think you need a trip to the

country? I'm the one who's stressed out. Look what it's doing to my gums. If

they recede anymore, I'll be flossing my skull.

You can all come. Bring your families, bring your dog, put Granny in a rocking

chair and tie her to the roof of the car for all I care.

But after this weekend, if you feel like country, you can just hang out in the

Ralph Lauren department at Macy's.

So, guys, what did I tell you?

Is this rustic or what?

But I want your honest opinion. Do you think it's really worth the money?

Uh, hard to tell, Murphy.

Did you have to pay extra for that toilet on the front lawn?

You're all sick.

Now, there's an interesting word.

It always sounds so charming until you realize it means, have you had your

tetanus shot?

Good Lord, look at the gingham.

It's like Dorothy from Kansas exploded in here.

Get them, Murph. They're wimps. This is the way life was meant to be lived.

In harmony with nature, getting by with nothing but your hands and your wits.

That's nice, Frank. Will you be driving back with me on Sunday, or will you be

riding Babe, your blue ox?

Where's Corky and Will?

No doubt still pawing each other in the back seat of my car.

Oh, Jim, you know, this is their first weekend together in quite a while, so I

find their open display of affection to be quite refreshing.

That's because you didn't have to watch it for two hours in the rearview mirror.

All that juvenile giggling and lip -smacking felt like a limo driver on

night.

You know, I was upstairs patching a couple of holes in that room with the

beds. There's a family of squirrels living in there.

Howdy, Eldon. Eldon came up yesterday to see if this was a place he could work

with. So, Eldon, what's the verdict?

It's got possibilities, although I'm a little stumped on which way to go with a

mural. You know, I'm not known for my farm themes.

Although, I once painted a cow to represent the working class with Ronald

milking it dry.

Excuse me, Eldon. Miles, what are you doing? Trying to get an update on that

hostage story we were listening to in the car. Sorry, but that's technology,

this weekend technology's not allowed.

What are you talking about?

It's not country.

Now, if you look around, you'll notice there's no telephone, no television,

of the trappings of modern civilization.

in your car along with your cellular phone and whatever other high -tech

contraband you were thinking of smuggling in here.

You are.

No, you are.

No, Bunny Buster, you're the cutest.

Oh, for the love of Mike.

Hey, great place, Murphy. Where do we put our stuff?

Oh, wherever you want as long as I get the room closest to the bathroom.

There's a queen -size bed in one bedroom and then there's two twins in the room

across the hall and then at the far end there's some bunk beds. Well, Frank and

Ma should probably take those.

You mean...

The squirrel room?

Okay, Miles, Chip and Dale have checked out. It's not like you have to sleep in

their nutty sheets.

All right, but I want the top bunk, Frank. Makes no difference to me. I'm

sleeping outside.

Oh.

Are you sure, Frank? It gets down into the 20s here at night. Hey, you guys can

lead the cushy life if you want, but I'm spending my weekend in the arms of

Mother Nature.

I'm gonna put my bag upstairs.

Here I come.

bushy little tail.

If it's all right with Jim and Doris, Will and I will take the queen -size

Oh, unless you'd rather have it, Jim.

Well, I... Will and I don't have to have it, but he did just get back from Los

Angeles, and this is our chance to finally be together.

Kind of a second honeymoon, really.

What if you and Doris had your heart set on it? Oh, no, no. I only wanted it

because I'm tall and my feet hang over the edge of a twin.

Thanks, dear.

I didn't mean it like that, Doris. It's just that... that... Oh, Lord, there

goes the weekend.

You take the queen, Corky. The twin beds will be just perfect for us. Just

perfect.

Great. Come on, Ronnie.

Who's the happiest married person in the whole state of Virginia?

I... No, I am. No, I am. No, I can't.

Okay, all set for the nature hike. Ha, fine idea.

Gorky, Will, don't unpack yet. We're going on a hike.

You know, in my college botany class, I could identify over 473 varieties of

flora.

473, you say? My, Doris, didn't you take botany in college?

No.

Come on, guys, we're waiting.

Geez, maybe I better go up and drag them down.

Or we could just go off on our own.

I tell you, Murph, eating off the land is the

best. When you know what you're doing, walking through a wide open field is the

same thing as going up and down the aisles at Food World.

Oak bark?

No thanks, Frank. I'm still full from that tree stump I had for lunch.

beaten us back. Hope he didn't get lost.

No, it's the 473 varieties of flora.

Told him to stick close.

Maybe he's upstairs already.

Lyle!

Uh,

excuse me, but I feel I should tell you I found this bone under the house.

It's either from a cow,

Or a teamster?

It should be a pilgrim. This place is full of history.

Yeah, well, let me tell you, if I find any more history around here, my rates

are going up.

It is now tea time.

Where do I put those scones?

Is there anything I can do to help, Doris?

hand as I asked while we crossed those slippery rocks in that stream, that

have helped.

It's just that my hands were full of pine cones at the time.

Yes, yes, you keep saying that.

You know, Jim, there was a time when I couldn't get you to stop holding my

Yes, well, I had these pine cones.

Why don't I go get some wood to build you a nice toasty fire?

You do that.

I'll be upstairs freeing a trout from my brassiere.

Oh, hi, Doris. How was your afternoon?

Splendid. As you can see, I had my hair done.

How was your afternoon?

Oh, fine.

Why am I starved? There's just something about being in the country that gives

me an appetite.

Here, peel these if you have the...

You know, I'll be growing my own carrots someday soon. Not puny little ones like

these. Big ones. Farm carrots. Big enough to choke a bunny.

There'll be frost on the pumpkin tonight.

Good thing you've got Jim Dial, master fire builder.

You know, most people think that kindling is the secret to a good fire,

they're wrong.

Log placement.

That's the key.

Where's the gas jet?

way oh of course no problem

it

didn't start thank you will

crazed heifer losing my glasses and tumbling down a steep hill only to land

down in a thick patch of zygadenus more commonly known as death lily how did you

find your way back thank god i had my binoculars do you have any idea what

like to be 500 yards away from someone's front door and think you're knocking on

it

weed spray.

Delicious.

Anybody want some?

Oh, sure.

I'm going to put into my mouth something I pay my gardener 50 bucks a month to

haul away.

Oh, God.

Jim, why don't you forget the fire for a while? Have your dinner. It's getting

cold. I've almost got it, Murphy. I think I've got an ember.

Damn it to hell.

warm. It's freezing in here. It is not.

It is, too.

You're only warm because you're pregnant.

This is great. I can sit here blind and freezing, or I can go up to my room

where a family of squirrels is waiting to pick me apart.

I've had enough.

I've got a zippy log in my car, and I say we use it. Zippy log? What's that?

Oh, it's one of those pressed sawdust logs they sell at the supermarket. I

have it in my fire.

You brought a log?

I was born in this city. I came prepared for any emergency.

Well, you can just forget about it. The farmers didn't use zippy logs, and

neither are we.

I guess we'll just have to snuggle a little bit closer.

Who's the most huggable snuggable in Virginia? You are.

No, you are. No, you are. No, you are. No, you are. Go get the stupid log.

Here, Miles, I'll get it.

You know, I could have done that fire going if the wood wasn't so quite so...

Remember some of those damp wood fires I've started, dear?

In there, those fires, no man can start.

Oh, man, Corky.

No, no, Corky, that log won't light unless you crumple up some paper and you

it under the grate, and then if you add kindling...

country evening. There's a million things we can do.

Name one.

Well, we could read. Doris brought a book.

Seven people are going to read one book?

Besides, I didn't come here to read. I came here to have fun.

As I was just talking.

Wouldn't that be a nice change, dear?

Yes. The lost art of conversation.

That's what the farmers did.

That's how ideas and news were passed by farmers telling farmers.

So... Why don't we start with something of general interest?

Frank, you start us off.

Well, uh... There's an economist at Harvard who says that the Russian people

are going to have to come up with 15 to 20 billion dollars this year alone to

stabilize their economy.

Well, good night, everybody.

See you in the morning.

So, is that right?

15 to 20 billion.

I sure don't envy Elton.

I heard that 20 people were hospitalized fighting over a loaf of bread.

Imagine that.

20 people.

Oh, Elton, hello. Come on.

Elton, have some dinner. I fixed you a plate. No, thank you. The next food I

is going to be handed to me through a drive -up window.

My work team is done. I'll talk to you back in town. Oh, Elton.

No, I gotta go. You know, the way people are looking at me, I'm starting to feel

like the weakest member at a Donner party.

want to make love, we never do.

When you're feeling your oats, usually after watching an old John Wayne movie,

have to drop everything and run to your beck and call.

creeps up over the meadow.

What peace.

What color.

Okay, that's it. Let's go.

Hey, where are you guys going?

Back to bed.

You can't go back to sleep.

We're burning daylight here. We got a million things to do. We can chop wood

mend fences.

We can find a roadside stand and sample the fresh produce from the neighboring

farms. We're in Virginia. What are we going to buy?

It's what the farmers would have done.

All those for the bullets.

Oh.

So, this is what it's come down to.

Well, I guess it's up to you and me to carry the torch, Frank.

To forsake technology and carve out a brave new direction for the well -being

future generations.

I want to watch TV.

You do?

appliances. Pollute Nirvana with your electromagnetic waves.

I've had it with a lot of you.

You come in here talking the talk of farmers and now, well, you'll just

have to live with your shame.

The queen is dead!

Get the TV!

Well, do you have a hair dryer by any chance? I can get the coffee and then

game.

Marv, if you're having a problem with the weekend camera crew, It's up to you

work it out. I only call to remind you about the budget. Well, I'll taste this.

I might be a touch heavy on the paprika.

When you're finished with the rough of the budget, fax it to my machine in the

car. Yep, you know the number.

It is a little spicy, Jim.

I've always loved this commercial.

It's so sweet the way the husband puts those comfort insoles into his wife's

shoes in the morning when she isn't looking.

Don't laugh, but it sort of reminds me of you and Jim.

Why? Is there an air of unspoken resentment and recrimination between

It's the kind of thing you do for each other.

Like how Jim always washes your car on Sunday morning or driving up here the

you took the pickle off his cheeseburger and he didn't even have to ask.

Those are things people who really know each other and really care about each

other do.

Well, surely you and Will do those things?

Not really.

I don't think it means we love each other any less, but for some reason we

never think to do them.

You're lucky.

I hope someday Will and I have what you two have.

Well, if it isn't mission control, what time does the shuttle lift off?

Oh, come on, Murph. You invited us here to have a good time. We're having a good

time. But you're not having a country good time.

Like me.

Look what I made.

Butter. I found an old churn out in the shed, and I read how to do it. It took

me three hours to make about half the stick's worth, but I did it, and it was

fun, and now you're all gonna eat the damn butter.

Sit down.

It's one of those old -fashioned non -electric doors you have to open by

You probably don't remember how that works.

This is my wife, Ann. We live on the next spread over to the east.

Oh, well, hello. Come on in, please.

We heard that you were thinking of buying, and so we wanted to stop by and

welcome.

They're muffins.

Well, thank you. That's right, neighborly.

I'm Murphy Brown, and these are my friends, city folk.

It's nice to meet you. If you have any questions about the area, we've lived

here longer than just about anybody, so feel free to ask.

Did you hear that?

Feel free. Now, that's country hospitality for you.

So, tell me, how many years has the Abernathy clan called these parts home?

Oh, Lord, it must be, what, two years this August?

That's it. And best investment we ever made. And we practically stole it from

the old couple who used to own it.

Look, I really wasn't thinking of it as an investment.

I know.

I know. You want a little place to get away to on weekends to relax, get back

basics.

Boy, we almost went crazy our first couple trips down here. There was

do. I mean, nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.

I thought we'd kill each other.

Truth is...

We're about to sell the place until we heard about some of the improvements

they're starting to make around here.

Improvements? Yes, they're going to tear down that old yellow barn across the

road and put in a mall.

But that's a landmark. That's the oldest barn in Virginia.

Not anymore.

Oh, Gary, don't gloat.

He bought the wood, and he already sold it to an architect in Georgetown for

three times what it cost us.

I'm almost going to pay for the new wine cellar.

We're finally getting progress around here. And with the new interstate coming

through, it'll even be better.

I guess that's why so many people like us are looking to buy out this way.

Well, we should be going.

Bye now.

Bye.

I almost forgot.

I'm supposed to say hello from your neighbor up the road, Sam Donaldson. See

I surrender.

I give up.

If you want to pack up, we can be back to the city by dark.

What are you talking about?

You're kicking us out? I was just starting to have a good time. Yeah, come

I'd like to stay, too.

Fine. You're having a good time. Go ahead. I'm getting the hell out of here.

You're not going to buy this place?

Frank, I could tolerate them all. I could learn to live with the interstate.

I'm not driving two hours to see Sam Donaldson and Bibb overalls and a straw

trying to milk a horse.

Our bedroom doors.

Must be jammed.

Wait a minute. Where's Jim and Doris?

Somebody help

me.