Original subtitles

I don't believe it, Murph. People are actually having a good time at one of

parties. Look at this. It's 8 .15 and everybody's still here. Usually it's

you, me, and Paul from accounting dancing by himself in the foyer.

No, it's inspired, isn't it? A one -step -closer -to -death party.

Where's the old birthday boy, anyway?

I don't know. Last time I saw him, he was upstairs on the phone. Oh, there he

is. Miles, get over here.

Hey. So, old buddy, how does it feel? The big milestone, the big 3 -0, that

strange age where you stop listening to the stones and start passing them.

Murphy, if I have to fly to New York on the 5th, would you be able to get me a

cut of your Yeltsin piece on the 4th? Hey, man, it's a party. Your birthday.

the work away.

In a second. New York is driving me crazy over the budget. I'm trying to

schedule a meeting where we can... There he is.

those two years till they find a cure for death.

Too bad.

Murphy, I have to use your phone again. Again? Okay, one more call and that's

it. Oh, man, I know Amish people who party better than him.

Hey there, Murphy.

Phil, you made it. I was afraid you wouldn't get away from the bar. We're

goodbye to the Woodner kid, right? I wouldn't miss this for anything.

In fact, I brought a gift basket, especially for the occasion.

Oh, Phil, this is great.

A truss?

A can of prune juice?

Dentures? I want those back at the end of the night.

Phyllis' mother is staying with us and she'll need them for breakfast.

So, Eldon, pretty great, huh? Bet you thought I couldn't do it, but I did,

didn't I? I gave the perfect party.

You've done some weird things since I've known you, but this is the topper.

There are three things in life you do not mock. The Pope.

Frank Sinatra and death.

You are now three for three.

I feel it is unsafe to stand next to you.

Oh, come on. Eldon, this party is the stuff legends are made of. Please, get

away from me. And the best part is just about to happen. Get away from me. Where

the hell is Miles? Audrey, where's your dear departed boyfriend?

Have you seen him lately?

Yes, only seconds ago. I saw his cadaverous figure heading into the hall

with your cordless phone.

Okay, that's it. The gloves are off. I'll see you in a minute.

I can't run a primetime news show with budget cuts like that. We need every

penny in those travel expenses. I've had it. Drop the phone and come out with

your hands up. Could you hold on a second?

Murphy, this is the Vice President of Business Affairs in New York.

FYI's entire travel budget depends on these negotiations.

I don't care.

Oh, really? Remember that next year when you tried to get to Prague on a

Greyhound bus.

Two minutes and I'll be next.

Well, it's about time.

pit of eternal suffering.

I would have been here sooner, but I spotted Sam Donaldson on the way over. I

couldn't resist having a little fun. I rolled down my window, pointed at him,

and said, April 11th, next year.

Everybody, may I have your attention, please?

It is now time to begin the eulogy. Will the mourners please gather round?

And will our guests of honor, otherwise known as the stiff, please step forward?

Step forward.

It

can't

be done, Neil. We can't cut back our satellite time. No, no, I'm wrapping it

really. Go ahead and start without me.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this evening to bid a fond farewell to

once young, once innocent, Miles Silverman.

You're killing me here, Neil. You're killing me.

even work by five so he could make the early bird special.

We tried to pretend it didn't mean anything, but obviously the end was near

he wouldn't stop raving about that last Bob Hope special.

to say, thanks for a great party.

I was going to get Laurence Olivier to come in and do it, but he's dead.

Like I'm going to be. Will you just like quietly, please? Promise me one thing,

Murphy. If they hook me up to a machine, do not let them unplug me.

I don't care if I waste out of nothing but a pair of glasses and an IV. I may

still be back.

Will you just calm down? You're shredding the sheet.

Now, there's nothing to worry about.

Everyone here knows what they're doing. They're all professionals.

Oh, you're Miles Silverberg, is that correct?

Of course it's correct. Isn't it written there? What if he were unconscious and

couldn't answer? You'd probably be calling him Irene and wheeling him off

hysterectomy.

And I take it you're Murky Brown. You betcha. And if anything happens to him,

anything at all, I'll have cameras in your face so fast it'll make your nine

iron spin.

And your name is?

Dr. Armstrong.

Oh, this is perfect. I have the only Gentile heart doctor in the entire

hospital.

if it makes you feel any better.

Now, if everybody's finished, I have Mr.

Silverberg's test results.

Oh, God, here it comes.

After studying your EKG, blood workup, X -rays, vital signs... And the credit

limit on your MasterCard. My conclusion is that you did not have a heart attack.

I didn't?

What did I tell you, Miles?

The man is a genius.

What you do have is a hiatal hernia. Now, that occurs when a portion of the

stomach protrudes through an enlarged tear in the diaphragm, causes a backup

stomach acid, and the resulting pain is sometimes so severe it mimics a heart

attack. The more anxious the person becomes, the more intense the symptoms.

If you want my Cliff Notes version, you had gas and freaked.

Oh! Oh! Oh, wow!

I am so relieved. Did you hear that, Murphy? I'm not going to die.

That's right. You're not going to die.

Yet. Yet? What does he mean, yet? What do you mean, yet? After making note of

your cholesterol level, blood pressure, and the fact that you asked to see the

ambulance driver's license before you got onto Gurney, I would ask to classify

you as an extreme risk candidate, a heart attack waiting to happen.

No. This isn't fair.

It's my birthday. I want a second opinion. Murphy, I saw someone with

pinned to his jacket. Go find him. Hurry.

Just wait a minute. Let's listen to what the doc here has to say. Now, it's not

hopeless. You can turn the odds around if you seriously reevaluate the way you

handle stress, diet, and lifestyle.

Now, I'm going to go get you a packet of information to help you, and I want to

see you in one week for a checkup and a stress test.

I'll be right back.

Miles, we'll all help you. You heard what he said? You can turn this thing

around. Are you ready to go? I'm making people nervous out there.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, hello.

How are you feeling, old man?

That's what I'm saying. You're old. You're not.

You're young. I'm old.

I'm the one whose heart should have given out. Not that your heart did give

You have a hernia. My dog Trickster had a hernia. He got it chasing the gas man.

Someone pull the emergency breaker. Can't stop.

It's okay, Jim. The topic of heart attacks makes people nervous.

But I read all the literature over the weekend, and I learned that if I take

the right precautions, I can live a long and healthy life.

Good for you, Miles. We're so proud of you.

Look, they gave me this at the hospital.

It's a stress card. You put your thumb on it, and it changes color, depending

the amount of stress you're feeling at the time. Blue to black. Blue means

you're stress -free.

What color are you, Miles?

So, let's get to work.

Business as usual.

The name of the game is Future Story Ideas.

Okay, I'll start. As you all know, the New Hampshire primaries are coming up,

and I think I have a fresh angle on how to handle it. My cholesterol speaks

well.

Did you want to talk about that, Miles?

No, go ahead. I was just standing here and I thought it.

Next thing I know, I said it.

Yep, 3 -1 -2.

I'm a walking butter pack.

That's not why we're here. Please, go ahead.

Okay, as I was saying, the primaries are coming up and I thought it would be

interesting... Somebody dies of heart disease every 32 seconds.

Maybe we should postpone the meeting till this afternoon.

I'm sorry, that has nothing to do with Murphy's story on the primaries.

Go ahead, Murphy.

To recap, I thought that I'd take a look at the campaign styles of the various

candidates. The way each man uses the media says a lot about who he is. Murph,

think we have a conflict with my investigation of campaign funding

Well, there's no conflict, Frank. We'll just do your story another time. Oh,

man, you know, you always do this. Well, you're not going to get away with it

this time. Oh, nice attitude, Frank, putting your own ego ahead of the show.

don't we just let Miles decide?

Fine. Miles, which one of us should go ahead with our campaign piece?

Breathe. Breathe.

Did you hear that? He said Murphy.

He did not!

Miles, this is your call.

Yeah, who's it going to be?

I've got to go.

Miles, are you all right?

Where are you going? I'll be in my office.

What about this story conflict?

Work it out amongst yourselves. Let me know what you decide. Miles, you're the

executive producer. It's your decision. What if I weren't here? You'd have to

work it out.

Pretend I'm dead.

the second cut. But Jim, you know I can't talk to Miles about it. He's

himself in his office and he won't come out. He's just sitting up there

listening to relaxation tapes and calculating his body fat.

I've had it covered for him. The secretarial pool wants to review their

payments. The network is waiting for a new promo spot and two sponsors are

threatening to back out if we do that story on the church's opposition to sex

education.

Cruller course at the Columbia School of Journalism, but they were all booked

up.

Well, good morning and welcome to Miles in Hiding, Day 7.

Here it is, Jim. I just need you to initial.

You don't have to read it. Just sign it like Miles always does. What is this,

Frank? Oh, it's just, uh, you know, a purchase order for some, you know, new

skis for my, uh, you know, uh, Olympic story.

Why?

Tim, I'm going to be profiling world -class skiers, and what do you want me

do, come down the slopes on a garbage can, let's say?

Go ahead, just sign it.

Right there.

J .D., Jim Dow. Oh, certainly.

And what's next for the substitute teacher?

Pencil drop at 2 o 'clock? Fake fire drills? Sorry, Frank, but I happen to

you already own a perfectly good pair of skis. Oh, man.

You know, I wasn't going to say this, but I don't think you have the right to

say no. Oh, yes, I do, Frank. I'm in charge.

Great. Al Hagen in Armani suit.

believe this. The videotape library hasn't approved any of my requests for

election footage. It seems no one here signed the paperwork.

No one? Is that supposed to mean me?

Am I to blame?

Good. Let's all blame Jim. Let's all just have one big blame Jim festival.

Blaming you, Jim? We all appreciate everything you've done.

Oh, geez. The bad donuts.

Let's go, Jim. Quick.

My jaw's permanently clenched. I have a shooting pain in my eye and the top of

my head is about to blow off. Who needs this?

Nice going, Murph. Another notch on your belt of death.

Okay, look. This is ridiculous.

There's only so much Jim can do.

I'm going to go up and talk to Miles.

Don't let her go, Jim. She'll kill him.

It's not my problem. I don't work here anymore.

Miles!

I can't stay. I'm on my way to the doctor for my checkup. Wait, wait. I

ask you some questions.

Miles, can I have your keys?

No questions.

I have to take the test completely stress -free. Let me go. Miles!

matters to be decided, issues that are starting to be crucial for FYI. I need

answers, man. All right.

One question, that's all.

All right.

Excuse me, Miles.

I hate to interrupt when you're trying to lull yourself into a stupor, but you

have a visitor.

Who is it? Murphy.

What? She's not supposed to be here.

She's on my forbidden list, right below Fettuccine Alfredo.

Now, Miles, aren't you being a trifle silly?

I think a visitor would be nice. Why don't we just let her pop in for a

No popping. No popping.

She'll come in here and talk about work.

She'll make me tense.

I can't afford to be tense.

I won't talk about work, I promise.

Look. I even brought you a present. One of those paint -by -numbers sets.

See? Two bunnies on the farm.

Isn't that relaxing?

Come in, Murphy. Please, sit down.

I went to the doctor this morning.

Baby's doing great.

Good, good.

How was your doctor's appointment?

Fine, fine.

Well, thanks for visiting. Bye.

Oh, stop it, Miles.

I'm sorry, but I cannot continue this charade any longer.

He's not fine.

His condition's even worse.

His blood pressure's off the chart.

I know. I called the doctor.

Miles, I know you're scared, but I can't stand seeing you like this. You're

retreating from life.

There's a rumor going around the office that your toenails are two feet long.

I'm not retreating.

I'm just taking some simple precautions. It's perfectly normal.

Oh, really?

And is it normal for someone to lie in bed on a beautiful Saturday afternoon

with a blood pressure device attached to his arm?

Audrey, what if I were naked?

Well, that would be a nice change.

And look at this.

A medical supplies catalogue. He circled an ad for a home defibrillator machine.

The heart start 1 ,000.

me if I'd have any problem administering electric shock.

The computer makes all the decisions. All she'd have to do is hold the

He's completely out of control.

He's so afraid of any physical exertion, he won't even touch me romantically.

He says he can't risk all that blood rushing away from the heart.

Oh, fine.

Tell her all the intimate details. Don't forget to mention my little monkey

dance.

Not that I do a little monkey dance.

Murphy, I'm at my wit's end. You talk to him. I'm going home.

Oh, I must hurry. The last bard from the Isle of the Dead leaves in five

minutes.

Murphy, I appreciate your coming over, but there's nothing you can do.

There's nothing anyone can do. That's not true, Miles. The doctor said you

flunked your test because you're too stressed out trying to avoid stress.

Nobody can avoid stress.

All you can do is just learn to manage it and release it.

I can't.

Then what are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life in bed?

It's not such a bad place.

I've got a remote TV, a remote stereo, remote phone, remote VCR.

My final days will be happy ones.

You'll never see a bird or a flower.

I get the Nature Channel.

You'll never get the Philz. It's crawling with bacon.

You'll never see the inside of Brooks Brothers again.

They're having a sale.

Don't do this.

30 % off all merchandise.

Oh, God.

Come on, Miles. You can do it. Just a few more steps.

I feel a little dizzy.

Maybe I should rest for a second.

I don't think so, Miles. We've got some real momentum going here. Let's not lose

it. Come on.

Okay.

We have touchdown.

Congratulations,

Miles.

Well, here we are.

Mecca.

So, what do you feel like? Is it a blazer, slacks, or a shirt kind of a

Ooh, sweaters.

Take a look at these.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Cable knits galore and cashmere.

They're practically giving them away.

It's too fast, Murphy.

I can feel my heart beating faster. Maybe we should have started with belts.

Look, look at this. Pretty nice, huh?

Feel.

Eh, I've seen nicer.

That's not bad, but I'm not really into that whole V -neck thing.

You're right, you're right. You know your necklines.

But this, this definitely has that subtle Silverberg power look.

That is nice.

And it's my color.

I like it.

A smile.

Welcome back, Miles.

Now, let's just make sure we have the right size. That seems to be the only

medium. Let's try a small.

Here we go.

Let's just hold this up and see how it fits.

No, it's too small. I need the extra room in the shoulders. I think we should

with the medium. It's perfect.

Excuse me. I was looking at that.

I don't think so. It was lying on the table.

I know. I put it there so I could look at another sweater.

That's what I said. It was lying on the table.

But I saw it first. I was going to buy it.

Well, I guess you should have thought of that before you put it back on the

table.

Hey, pal.

Where are you going with that? That's ours.

Murphy, please. Don't make a scene. Go ahead. Take the sweater. Miles, what are

you doing? He grabbed it right out from underneath your nose. You can't let him

get away with that. Yes, I can.

It's not important.

It's just a sweater. I'm not going to get upset.

Miles, you are avoiding again.

Don't keep it bottled up. Go over there and say something.

No, really. I'm over it.

Let's go look at the blazers.

Uh, I'm looking for a new camel's hair jacket.

Oh, this is a nice one.

It would be perfect with that sweater.

One second. One second.

What kind of world is this when a man needs an armed guard to shop?

Geez, Miles, you're all pink in the face.

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

Come on, let's go. I'll take you home.

You're right.

I'm getting upset. Let's go.

Miles, what are you doing? Where are you going?

If I walk out of this store now, I'll never come back. I can't run away

I have to learn how to deal with my stress.

Excuse me, sir. May I speak with you for a minute?

Oh, no, not the sweater again.

I just thought it might be possible for two adults to find a civilized way to

handle our little problem.

You put the sweater down.

I picked it up.

There's nothing else to talk about.

Shut up!

Shut up, you!

I'm 30 years old and a french fry could kill me!

My heart could explode at any minute! I hope it does!

Right now!

All over you!

earth keeled over at his own college graduation.

How do you like that? Made to come dead.

We're a sick family, and I'm sicker than all of them. The one thing, the only

thing that could give me what I owe to a pleasure is that sweater.

That's my sweater. I want that sweater.

Give me that sweater.

She's all right.

Get yourself some lithium, pal.

Miles. Are you done or would you like to take some hostages?

How about that, Murphy?

I'm not dead.

I yelled, I screamed, and I'm not dead.

It's blue.

Normal. Stress -free.

I'm back.

What did I tell you, Miles? You can't keep things bottled up.

Now let's go pay for that sweater before we send out the attack dogs.

Oh, and for future reference, I wouldn't go doing that very often.

That's not managing your stress.

That's a meltdown.

Al, what's wrong?

I strained my vocal cords.

I think I tore them.

I better go to the doctor. You never know where these things could lead.

I could lose my neck.

It's hard to live without a neck.