Original subtitles

I'm sorry, Miles, but I just can't handle this story.

I've covered famine, floods, and the collapse of the inner cities, but this

just too bleak and depressing.

Oh, snap out of it, Frank. Look, we're doing an hour on the Democratic

candidates, and that's final.

Who's going to sponsor it?

Somonex?

There's no way we can make it interesting.

It's like a lopsided Miss America pageant.

Oh, sure. Maybe some of them can twirl a baton or play the bassoon, but in the

end, George Bush is still the cute girl from Texas and the Democrats are 49 bow

-wows from other states.

Hey! Oh, hi!

So, my little world traveler, how is merry old England?

Cold, wet, and full of restaurants with names like the sow's belly. It's a

pregnant woman's nightmare.

But at least my interview with the prime minister went great.

Hey there, Murphy.

Welcome back.

What can I get you?

Oh, just a cup of soda and another roll of Tums. My stomach's killing me.

You all right, Murphy? You're looking a little pale.

He's right. You don't have any color in your face.

If you ask me, she's pushing herself too hard.

You're six months pregnant, Murphy.

You keep flying around like this, you're gonna deliver that kid on the baggage

carousel at Dulles Airport.

Everybody overreacting. It's just a little jet lag.

I'm going to get you some vegetable soup to go, and if you'll take my advice,

you'll eat it at home.

Bill's right, Murphy.

You have to face the fact that you can't do certain things you were able to do

six months ago.

Like wear plaid, for example.

Oh, dear Lord, look what the cat dragged in. Jerry Gold. What is he doing here?

You guys always do this. Now, you know how I feel about him. I'm going to ask

him to join us, and if anyone has a problem with that, they can leave.

Well, there they go, ladies and gentlemen, the highest -paid mime troupe

television.

Hi, Jer.

This is a surprise.

You're telling me.

I can't believe after five weeks of playing phone tag, I finally run into

here.

Wow.

Let me look at you.

I know.

I'm huge, aren't I?

Well, I'll be honest, Brown.

I wasn't sure how I would feel about watching your body go through this

pregnancy, but...

I gotta say, it's something that's amazing and spiritual.

Jerry, do you really mean that?

No, but you outweigh me now, and I'm afraid of it.

Oh, I have some great news.

I'm going back on the air again.

Jerry, you got a show?

That's fantastic.

What is it?

Let's just call it an alternative to Meet the Press with yours truly as host.

I'm calling it Cut the Crap.

Pure gold.

Here you go, Murphy.

Hot soup and a little fresh bread.

Now, there's a brilliant idea.

Eating an antacid before you eat Phil's food.

This could spread like wildfire.

Funny man.

Keep making jokes, you may have an unfortunate encounter with some bad

mayonnaise. Accidents can happen.

Are you okay, Brian? You don't look so good.

It's no big deal. It's probably just some bug I picked up in England.

I wouldn't fool around with this, Murphy. A lot of things can happen when

pregnant. What's that supposed to mean? What did he mean by that?

Well, it's nothing. It's just a stomachache, that's all.

And maybe just some cramps.

And a tiny bit of pain in the lower back.

Murphy, I think you should go to the doctor.

Phil, the woman's an adult. She can make her own decisions.

You want to go to the doctor? I can drive you.

I'm not one of these women who run to the doctor every time she sneezes. Ow!

Will you take her to the damn doctor?

Should I take you to the damn doctor? Take me to the damn doctor.

I don't know, Brown. That was a very quiet drive home.

I can't believe you didn't say anything when I let Clarence Thomas merge in

front of us.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't paying attention.

Look. The doctor said that everything's probably going to be fine. I wouldn't

worry. I'm not worried.

Although, if they don't want you to worry, they could come up with a better

for what I have than preterm labor.

I agree.

So we won't call it preterm labor. We'll call it Fred.

Right. And preterm Fred happens to a lot of women over 40.

Well, there you go.

Spending the next two weeks immobile could almost be a vacation. Absolutely.

if I take the medication and the contractions stop, there's no reason why

can't resume a normal schedule.

No reason at all.

Then why am I so scared?

Ah, home at last. You know, I was starting to think they finally caught

stealing one of those little blankets off the plane.

You remember Jerry?

Yeah. You're the one who's not the father.

Lovely to see you again, too.

All right.

So, Brad, what about these pills? The doctor said you can take one every hour

you have to. Well, wait.

Wait a minute.

You went to the doctor?

I thought our next appointment wasn't until the 15th. Eldon, I'm going to tell

you something. Now, your first instinct may be to get a little upset. I want you

to fight that.

I have a condition. It's called preterm labor. Now, what... Oh, my God! Oh, my

God! I knew something like this could happen! We were too happy! I was too

relaxed!

I can't have this baby now. What are you doing sitting? Lie down.

Lie down. Cross your legs. Cross your legs.

I'm not ready for this.

I'm only up to the sixth month and here comes baby.

All we should be dealing with are leg cramps and an itchy abdomen.

Delivery. Delivery.

Well, this is great. You're having a kid. He's having a cow.

I am not ready for this baby yet. The nursery is nowhere near finished.

You gave me nine months. That's what you promised.

That's what you promised me. Has a verbal agreement become meaningless in

society? Alan, will you calm down? I have no intention of having this baby

before I do the economic summit next month in Frankfurt.

I have to do something.

I know, I know.

I'll get you some tea. Yes, yes, tea. That'll help you relax.

All right, all right. I'll have a cup of blackberry. No, no, no, no, no. That's

too wild, too woodsy. You'll have chamomile.

Chamomile with lemon? No, too acidic.

You'll have milk and you'll have honey. I want sugar.

Oh, I think not.

Are you going to be all right with this guy here, Brown?

Wouldn't you rather check into hell for the next two weeks?

I'll be fine.

I get to spend some quality time with myself, wondering whatever made me think

could have a normal pregnancy.

You know, Murphy, why don't I stop in a couple of times a day just to see how

you're doing, maybe bring you something to eat?

Oh, no.

You see what just happened here?

I became needy. I hate that. You looked at this pathetic bag of surging hormones

and you felt obligated.

I told you months ago if you needed me, I'd be around. This seems like a good

time. Jer, you live a half an hour away and you're starting a new show.

Are you really going to want to schlep all the way over here twice a day?

Yeah, I guess that's pretty stupid.

Although, there is a...

Another way around this, I could just stay here.

Stay here?

What does that mean, stay here?

Move in.

Bring in a few things, and then when you're back on your feet, move out.

What do you think?

What do I think?

I think it sounds a lot like living together, and my only experience in that

area was a marriage that lasted only slightly longer than Woodstock.

I'm talking about a temporary thing here. What if we drive each other crazy?

Then we'll talk about it. When have you and I ever held anything back?

That's true. We are honest with each other.

The problem with most people who live together is that they're not honest. Not

that we'd be living together. It's only temporary, right?

Right.

So what do you say? You want to give it a try?

There's too much talking out here.

Her lips are moving much too much. And why are you sitting up? Lie down.

Stay.

Oh, God, it's going to be a long two weeks.

I guess I could use someone to run interference for me.

Maybe we could give it a shot.

All right.

You're on.

I'll go pack up some of my stuff, but...

First, just to prove it'll be nice to have another person around, how about a

shoulder rub?

Ooh, that sounds great.

Good, but just not too hard. I'm very sensitive around my neck.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

What's all that stuff?

Well, I know I probably overpacked, but I didn't want to have to keep running

back and forth to my place.

That makes sense.

I cleared out some drawers for you.

One and a half.

All right, fine. I guess I can just leave all this in the car and run out

to change every morning.

But I sleep in the nude and your neighbors look like they frighten

I guess I'm just a little nervous about all this.

Even though it's only temporary, it's still kind of a big step for us, isn't

You're telling me I went to put your key in my keychain and I couldn't do it.

I kept picturing my parents' wedding photo.

No wonder my dad's eyes are rolled up into the back of his head.

I'll get it. Brown, what are you doing?

Well, I'm allowed to walk a little.

If Painter Man ever saw that, he'd come after me with a spackle knife.

Sit down.

Let me do something for you, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry, but we got rid of all of our Halloween candy months ago.

What's he doing here? I knew we should have called first.

Now, everyone, let's not forget the important thing is to make sure Murphy

the baby are all right.

Murphy, are you and the baby all right?

We're fine, Corky.

Okay, now we can leave.

We'll be back after he's gone.

When will that be?

Gee, didn't you get our announcement?

I've moved in.

We should have. You could have stopped me from the Judy fiasco of August 84.

I can't believe this.

She won't have a dog, but she let Jerry Gold save him.

Nice hair, Sherwood. What's that show you're on again?

Hullabaloo?

Okay, that's it.

Everybody to a neutral corner.

Now, first of all, not that it's any of your business, Jerry's only here to help

until I'm back on my feet.

I'm sorry, Murphy, but the image of you two living together is one I cannot

stomach. Even if you were only, for example, sleeping in the guest room.

I really appreciate your coming over, but this isn't making me feel any

Can't we just for once all get together without it sounding like a Jackson

family reunion?

You're right, Murphy.

We're sorry.

So, Jerry, do you find the couch a comfortable place to sleep?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jim. The couch is not the correct answer. But you played very

well. We have some lovely parting gifts for you.

Gee, Jerry, will you stop egging them on?

He can't help himself, Murphy.

He's hostile because you're a shiksa.

Deep down inside, he hates himself for choosing you over his religion.

Stick to your own kind. One of your own kind.

Gee, Silverberg, that was a lovely performance.

But the role of Anita has already been cast.

along with my friends. You know it bothers me, and I think it shows a lack

respect for how I feel.

Yeah, what about my feelings? Is that any consideration?

Oh, did you hear that? They're already into the you -don't -care -about -my

-feeling stage.

It's almost over. By this time tomorrow, he'll be gone. Just another bug smashed

in the windshield of Murphy's life. Shut up.

I am not kicking him out. This is how Jerry and I communicate. Our

is based on total honesty.

We always say exactly what we mean all the time.

Murph, that is so sick.

Interesting comment coming from a man whose most successful relationship was

with Debbie, the inflatable love doll.

Stop it. What did I just say?

What? What did I do?

Oh, don't give me that. All I ask is that you make a little effort.

Yeah, wait a second. I didn't invite them over here. And frankly, I am not

to be crying. There's no point in us watching.

Let's go.

What were they doing the whole time? I still think it's sick. Me too. You

take good care of her while you're here, sleeping in the den.

You know, it's really sad.

Some people just can't stand to see a happy couple.

Jerry?

No, it's just me, one of the throng that now live here.

Whoa. Whatever happened, it looks like you put up a hell of a fight.

Look, Eldon, I've been stuck in this house for ten days with nothing to do.

going out of my mind.

So he's late again, huh?

There's no late, Eldon. Jerry doesn't have to punch a clock. That's not the

of relationship we have.

What time is it?

8 .30.

You know, I don't know about you, but I really wouldn't mind getting our house

back.

That man.

Has so many disgusting habits.

You know, when he tears the paper towel off the roll, he completely disregards

the perforation.

Always leaves a little piece hanging.

I find that very annoying.

Does that annoy you? I never even noticed, Eldon. And let me tell you

If you want to have a successful relationship with someone, you can't be

in your ways.

Flexibility and compromise, that's the key.

Hi, kids.

I don't want to panic anybody, but I heard on the radio that the entire

of North and South Dakota have just been sold to the Japanese.

Actually, they only wanted North Dakota, but Bush wouldn't break up the set.

So what do you think? The opening for my new show.

For the hundredth time, when you load the dishwasher, you rinse your plates.

It's common courtesy.

How are you feeling today?

Any pain? Any contractions?

Nope.

Yeah, well, that's good. That makes eight days a lot of contraction, right?

Yep.

I had a great meeting with my producer today. We went over the plans for the

set. Really looks good.

So how was your day?

Oh, wonderful.

So satisfying to know that at the end of your day, you'll have a pair of salad

tongs you can actually see your face in.

Something bothering you?

Me? No. Why do you ask?

I don't know. If you polish that silverware anymore, you're going to

molecular structure.

Look, we said we're going to be honest with each other.

What's bothering you?

All right. I guess I'm just...

I'm annoyed that you're late.

I'm late?

I wasn't aware that I had to be here at any assigned time.

You don't, but I thought it was understood that you'd be here for dinner

we could eat together, you know, like other couples do. There, I've said it.

done.

Well, I didn't know that's what you wanted, and now I do. See?

It wasn't so bad.

And why?

Because we were honest, and honesty is what it's all about.

I also hate sharing my closet with you, hate that you record it over my phone

message, hate that grunting noise you make every time you get out of a chair,

and hate how you rip the paper towels.

Geez, Brown, why don't you plunge that butter knife in a little deeper?

You don't have to be that honest. I don't tell you everything.

What do you mean you don't tell me everything?

Well, I thought it better not to mention that I'm getting a little tired of

seeing you in that outfit.

What is it, three days now?

And I miss that special little styling touch you used to do with your hair.

I think it's called combing.

What's the point if you're never around to appreciate it? Look, if you wanted me

to stay home tonight, why didn't you just say so?

Because if you stay home just because I want you to, then it doesn't count that

you stayed home.

Oh, God, listen to that whiny voice. I'm being needy again.

I hate that.

You know what the real problem is?

There's no room for me here.

And I'm not talking about the four inches of closet space I've got or the

that I have to shave in the laundry sink.

There is no room for me in your life, Brown.

You won't let anybody in.

What is so damn hard about telling somebody that you need them, even for a

couple of weeks?

Because I hate being vulnerable, all right?

I hate waiting for someone to come home, and I hate that it matters if you're

late and don't call.

And I hate the fact that tonight at 7 o 'clock I found myself thinking I should

call. And that made me feel claustrophobic, so I didn't call. And

feel guilty, which then made me feel resentful.

Well, it's just great.

You resent being here, and I resent having you here.

Yeah, I guess you can't get any more honest than that, huh?

We had eight Democratic candidates on last night's show, and we only got a

share. Do you realize what that means?

These guys can't even get their own families to watch.

Where was everybody?

Doris told me that halfway through, she switched to a PBS show on the history of

paper.

Hi, everybody.

I'm back.

I want you to come right down to the table and sit in this chair.

Can I get you tea or something?

Corky, I told you already, I don't need any special treatment.

Well, a cup of tea would be nice.

Now, Murph, I want you to be straight with us. You feeling okay?

I mean, should you even be here? I'm fine, Frank. The doctor told me that I

have to make a few little adjustments until the baby's born.

Shorter work days, more rest, no flying.

So I won't be able to cover the economic summit next month, Miles.

Don't worry.

There's always a way to work it out. The important thing is that you rest a

little. That's just what Dr. Barton said. She said if I get tent, I should

put on one of those relaxation tapes and just kind of space out.

So do you have a spare tape of last night's show?

and see how everything went at the docket this morning?

Oh, pretty well.

I got the all clear to be up and around again.

Only a little less up and not quite as around as before.

Good.

That's good.

I just wanted you to know that I packed up all my stuff this morning.

I mean, now that everything's okay.

Here's your key.

Oh.

Well, thanks.

That was an agreement, right?

Two weeks and out.

That's what we said.

It's not like we expected it to turn into anything more, right?

Right. We tried something and it didn't work out.

Klaus and Sonny Von Bulow didn't work out. We were a disaster.

So... Thanks for helping.

I guess I'll see you around sometime.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about calling it quits, aren't you?

Geez, Brown, why does everything have to be so black and white with you?

I was just talking about slowing it down, that's all.

Really?

Just how slow were you thinking?

Very slow.

Economic recovery slow.

We go back to dating, and then once in a while, if the roads are bad or if

there's a good late movie on, I spend the night.

And then maybe if we don't kill each other, we work up to a weekend.

Maybe.

If you can overcome that chronic paper towel tearing problem.

I'll work on it. You agree to burn that disgusting bathrobe.

Trout of Turin is in better shape.

So what do you say?

It's a deal.

When do you want to get together?

Looks like my schedule's going to be a lot lighter. Well, that figures, just

when mine's heating up.

I go to New York tomorrow. How about dinner on Monday?

No, I'm speaking at American University. What about Tuesday?

No, Tuesday I leave for Chicago.

Thursday the 20th.

No, good. What about Tuesday the 25th?

Yeah, I'm clear.

All right.

Three weeks from tomorrow.

Geez.

Three weeks?

I know.

It's a great relationship, isn't it?

It's perfect.