Original subtitles

Well, all I am saying is don't ever call me at one in the morning again.

I was having this great dream where I was locked in a mattress warehouse with

Julia Roberts.

Then you called.

When I got back to sleep, Julia was wearing a black lace teddy, but she had

head.

You are so selfish, Frank. At least when I called Jim, he had the decency to

listen to my problem.

No, I didn't, you little twit.

Halfway through your babbling, I put the phone under the bed. That sympathetic

breathing you heard was my dog, Trickster.

Incredible.

I'm having a major personal life crisis, and my friends don't care.

You believe this, Corky?

Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Oh, come on!

I'm in pain here!

Been under a lot of pressure lately, okay?

The past several months, my girlfriend Audrey has been dropping little hints

about us moving in together.

Then last week, she lost her job at the British Embassy, which means she doesn't

have any money coming in, which means she can't pay her rent, which means

lose her apartment.

Which means the train is moving and I feel like a cow on the tracks.

Don't even try to say hello. No time. When a story like this lands in your

small talk and salutations just have to wait.

Good morning, Murphy.

I need a few minutes of your time.

But first, I want to thank you for blowing a whistle into the phone when I

called last night. My pleasure. It was all mine.

Now, check this out. One of my sources just gave me a tip linking three members

of Congress to an IRS scandal.

Diane Sawyer's already on to the story, so I have to move fast.

I need someone to get me a contact sheet on the IRS, do a lot of digging in the

congressional record. I need a good secretary. Miles, get me one.

Murphy, you know as well as I do, personnel can't legally assign you

until your last secretary's case goes to trial.

What I wanted to talk to you about was... Knock, knock.

Hello, Miles.

Hello, Murphy.

Audrey, what are you doing here?

One of my job interviews cancelled.

I was feeling kind of down, so I thought I'd stop by and get some sunshine from

my pootie.

Hey, hey, don't you worry. You'll find something. You're a terrific secretary.

Just terrific.

Murphy, I don't know if I told you, but Audrey lost her job. Her secretarial

job. And isn't it funny? Just moments ago, you were saying you needed a

secretary. Yes, I was.

What a shame you established that clear but firm rule prohibiting the hiring of

family and friends.

So sweet of you to try to bend the rules for me, but it's not necessary.

I'm very much in the running for the job of hostess at the International House

of Pancakes.

You see that, Murphy?

Late nights at the IHOP.

They liked my accent.

They thought it would help emphasize the international part of the name.

Of course, it's down near the... bus station and i would have to wear a

oh murphy the bus station a hairnet and failing that there's an opening at the

nuclear power plant the head of personnel seemed very nice odd though he

eyebrows okay okay audrey i'm up against a major deadline and i don't have an

assistant since you're available what do you say Oh, my goodness. Are you

offering me a job?

What a great idea, Murphy. Oh, thank you, Murphy. Thank you so much. I can

right now.

I'll just go out there and familiarize myself with your office setup.

I'm proficient in all the major computer programs. I also speak French and

German fluently. I can get by in Japanese.

And when the tension gets to be too much, I know all the key acupressure

for the promos we're shooting next week?

Actually, I haven't received them yet.

Okay.

Thanks, Jim.

Hilarious. I'll be sure to catch you at the comedy shack.

Hi, Miles. Are you feeling better? Audrey said you were up all night with

Hey, hey, hey.

I am the boss.

I don't think we should be discussing my digestive problems.

All right.

But I think it's very cute that you hum in the bathroom.

I just wanted to remind everyone that our legal department has put together an

overview on the Supreme Court ruling on libel. It affects all of us, so please

be sure to take a look at it.

Any questions?

Yes.

How did your tie get all crooked?

I can't take you anywhere, Poopy.

Murphy.

Take it quick, Miles. I made a bet with Diane Soy. that I break this story

before she does. If I lose, I have to clean the grout around her tub.

Murphy, I want you to fire Audrey.

What? Well, she's the best secretary I ever had. Not since Sarah Lee invented

double chocolate cheesecake has another woman given me so much pleasure. No way!

You have to! You have to!

Please help me, Murphy! She's everywhere!

to mix business with personal, and you wouldn't listen, so now you have to pay,

as all must pay who do not heed the word of Brown.

Ha!

Oh, Miles, are we going shopping together tonight?

Oh, gee, Audrey, I don't know. Because Neiman's is having a sale on those all

-copper reefs he likes so much. You know, the ones with the...

Looks like a keychain.

An empty keychain, waiting for that one special key.

Oh, gee, Audrey.

Gee.

I think it's time we considered living together.

Now that you've found me this wonderful job, I won't be a financial burden, and

I can come to you as a whole and complete woman.

It's the right time, Miles.

Don't you think?

think we should see each other anymore.

What? No, I didn't mean that.

Yes, I did.

Oh, God, Audrey, we can talk about this later, like when we're old and wise and

capable of forgiving.

I don't want to talk about it later. I want to talk about it right here, right

now. Audrey, I'm suffocating.

We don't spend any time apart.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship, and you deserve somebody

you more.

If you'll excuse me, I think I need a little air.

I'm sorry, Audrey.

And, Audrey, maybe we could keep this between us.

I don't think the whole office needs to know we're breaking up.

Oh, okay.

Sometimes that happens. Too hot, too bright, too bad.

He told me I was suffocating him.

In the beginning, he liked the attention.

Now, suddenly, I'm a dry cleaning bag.

I feel like such a fool.

No, no, no, no, don't, don't.

Really, it's good to cry.

I cried once, but Kim Basinger still wouldn't go out with me.

No, just the right thing to say.

I do?

Here you go, Audrey.

Another cup Earl Grey. You don't want to dehydrate.

Frank, can I talk to you over here for a second? What is it? It's private. Can't

I wait? I'll pay you ten dollars.

All right. All right. Excuse me for just a second.

What is it? Phil, can't you see I'm trying to help Audrey feel a little

here? I want you to listen to me, Frank.

There's nothing as deadly...

as the boss's freshly dumped and highly vulnerable ex -girlfriend.

You're trolling in dangerous waters, Frank, and I suggest you take your

pole to another pond. That's ridiculous, Phil. I'm just having an innocent

conversation. That's all it is now. Just relax.

I'm sorry about that. Now, where were we?

I'm thinking about Miles.

I say something, then I do something. Now, don't blame yourself. You...

You are a very warm and caring person, Audrey. You know, I once said to Miles

that I was jealous because I'd never met a woman like you.

You said that? I did.

And I'm not just telling you that now to make you feel better.

You're towing your car, Frank.

I didn't bring my car. I walked here.

Oh, what a relief.

I really should get back to the office, but I don't know how I'm going to face

people.

Face miles.

Go home. Most of the day is over already. I'm sure Murphy wouldn't want

work after what happened.

If you really don't think she'll mind, I could still catch the early bus.

Oh, wait a minute.

You're not taking the bus. Not the way you're feeling. Look, my car is parked

the garage right across the street. Let me give you a ride home.

I insist.

Frank, that's so nice of you.

I'll get my coat.

Morning, Murph. How's it going?

Oh, just swell, Frank. I was here until midnight last night waiting through all

this stuff myself because Audrey disappeared on me yesterday.

I know. I told her to take the rest of the day off.

You what?

Jeez, Frank, you... Look, Murph, I ran into her at Phil's yesterday. She seemed

pretty upset about the breakup.

So I took her home.

And then something happened, Murph.

Between Audrey and me.

Oh, God!

It's not what you're thinking.

We sat in my car and talked.

Just talked until two in the morning and then I went home.

Would that be your home here in Washington or your home on the planet?

sure.

I'm telling you, we talked about everything.

I don't think I've ever been as comfortable with a woman before.

I think there's a real attraction there. But if I start seeing Audrey, how's

Miles going to feel?

He's my boss. He's my friend.

Murphy, what should I do? Oh.

There they are, the five most dreaded words in the English language.

Murphy, what should I do? Murphy, I need your help. And now the five second most

dreaded words.

Hi, Frank. Maybe you can help too.

I don't know if you've heard, but I broke up with Audrey yesterday.

Oh. I tried calling her around 8 .30 last night just to make sure she was

No answer.

Nine o 'clock, still no answer.

Finally, around two o 'clock in the morning, she picked up the phone.

I asked her where she was all night.

She said she was taking a shower.

I think she's lying.

What do you think, Murphy?

Gee, I don't know.

What do you think, Frank?

Okay, Miles.

I'm going to be totally honest with you.

Audrey was with me last night.

Are you telling me you took a shower with Audrey?

No.

Look, I ran into her at Phil's. She was...

She was crying.

I took her home, and we ended up talking for a few hours.

Look, Miles, I want to be perfectly upfront about this.

I'm thinking about getting to know Audrey better, but I don't want to step

any toes. You say the word, I'm out of here.

Well, Frank, it was my choice not to see Audrey anymore.

And if you two want to see each other, I say great.

You're one of my best friends, and she's a terrific woman.

I think we're both sophisticated enough to handle this.

All I ask is that you treat her right.

I'll try.

Look, thanks for understanding, buddy.

Shake?

Are you sure you don't want to go out to the stable and check her teeth before

you close the door?

Murphy, if you're finished making rude comments, I'd like to start the morning

meeting.

Good morning, Audrey.

Hello, Mr.

Silverberg.

Hello, Frank.

Hi, Audrey.

How are you feeling today?

Wonderful. Except for one problem.

I have an extra ticket to the symphony Thursday night.

I was planning to take someone, but he suffocated unexpectedly.

I think I can solve this little dilemma.

Frank, would you like to go to the symphony with Audrey?

Oh, I'd love to.

What do you say, Audrey?

I can't think of anyone I'd rather go with. Anyone at all on this earth,

or dead.

That just about covers everyone here. What do you say we start the morning

meeting?

Okay,

next month's schedule. I need stories, great stories.

Pitch me, people.

Okay, okay, look. I was thinking about a follow -up piece on my story about

Death Row.

Interesting. And the first piece was very strong, but we're trying to steer

from follow -ups. Sorry. Oh, okay, well...

How about a look at the Superfund cleanup site in upstate where... Oh, I

think so. It's pollution. Downer. What else you got?

Uh... The effect of a military base closing on a town... What else?

Well... Nope.

You haven't heard the idea yet.

Don't like it.

Well, maybe you'll like this story idea.

Miles... Silverberg, executive producer or moron? Well, I'd rather be a moron

than a rotten, stinking backstabber. You're not a friend. You're the

lying in wait for relationships to break off so you can suck up the women like

some idiot with a testosterone problem.

You're lying. Do you know that?

Audrey was dating a crazy person. When I started therapy, I was saner than you.

I wonder why Audrey's confused.

You confused her. You offer a ride home and it takes seven hours to get there?

What'd you do, Frank? Take a shortcut through New Hampshire?

Too late, Kyle. I don't care what you say. I'm taking her to the symphony. You

hear that? I'm taking her!

Oh, you do that, Frank. You take her to the symphony. You'll be the only guy

there trying to start the wave.

All right, all right.

That's it.

I don't care if you kill each other. Just stop fighting over Audrey. She's

You got that? Mine.

And I don't want anybody to upset her. Case closed. No arguments. Period.

what just transpired here. I hate that feeling.

Don't fight it, Jim.

It's really kind of nice once you get used to it.

Okay, let's go back over Congressman McMerritt's testimony. There's got to be

something there.

Now what?

Oh, and while you're at it, pull the file on Papazian, too.

You're not supposed to pick up Audrey until 7 .45. It's 7 .44.

I'll walk into the living room real slow. That should cover it.

Hi, Audrey.

Hello, Frank.

Uh, could I talk to you privately, please?

Is everything all right?

Well, actually, Audrey, I've been thinking.

There's probably a lot of things that...

You and Miles still have to work out, and I don't want to get in the way of...

You see, I don't want to be in the middle of... There's something that

feel quite right. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Let me translate for you, Audrey. When Miles told Frank it was okay to go out

with you, that meant you were available.

When a woman is available, Frank suddenly finds her about as desirable as

Borgnine. Is that it?

No!

Well, that's part of it. But look, at least I'm honest enough to admit it.

Look, Audrey, I know this is going to be hard for you, but I

want you to try to forget me and what could have been.

Oh, this is such a relief.

Excuse me?

I've been thinking too, and I realize all I've been doing is using you to get

back at Miles.

Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight. Are you telling me...

That you were not interested in me at all?

Yes. Look, maybe if you gave it a chance. God, Frank is like a dead

Cut off its head and it still keeps running around the yard.

What was that?

Miles, what are you doing out there?

I was driving by and I saw this guy.

Really big guy with a really big scar.

And he was climbing over your wall. There he goes again.

Oh, stop it, Miles.

There is no man.

I demand to know what you were doing out there skulking about.

I was not skulking.

Yes, I was.

Oh, God. Look what I've become.

I'm a skulker.

What a pathetic excuse for a man I've become.

I haven't slept.

I haven't shaved.

I started to shave.

But then I stopped.

For no reason.

I just couldn't go on.

Frank, thanks to you, our leaders lost the will to groom.

No, it's not Frank's fault.

I'm the one who made this mess.

And now, all I can think to say is, you stay away from her, Frank.

I don't want you to call her or date her or touch her. No touching.

No touching.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Okay. Because I'm... Because... What?

Okay. What?

I should have read you better. I couldn't see how much you were hurting.

I'm sorry, man.

Here we go. They're calling each other man. The end is in sight.

Anyway, uh... I'm out of the picture.

Friends?

The best.

Okay, okay, time to go. I don't want a lot of male bonding going on in here. I

just had the rough screen.

can work everything out because you deserve to be together, happy,

and in love.

Unlike me, I was alone and probably will be till the day I die.

Enjoy your evening.

Audrey, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I know why I broke things

But I've discovered that I'd rather be afraid with you than without you.

So I guess what I'm saying is, would you move in with me?

Oh, Miles, that's so sweet.

No.

Why not?

Miles, I can't ignore the fact that you broke up with me and within a matter of

hours I was spending the evening in another man's car.

Maybe I'm not ready for a commitment yet either, Pookie.

You call me Pookie, so there's still a chance.

Always. Well, what a lovely moment that was. And I'm sure you'll want to go home

and relive it, Miles, while Audrey and I finish our story.

Murphy, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to look for other employment.

For the good of friendships, romance, and my mental stability, I quit.

I'm sure you understand.

Well, you're wrong.

This is so typical.

Everyone else always ends up getting exactly what they want, and I end up

Zippo. Don't think I'm trying to make you feel guilty, but this will probably

eat at me for the rest of my life.

I'm sorry, Murphy, but he loves me.

There's love and there's deep neurosis. Don't confuse the two.

It's strange, Audrey.

You said no to living together.

You rejected me.

I'm finding that a very powerful turn on.

What are you saying, Pookie?