Original subtitles

[J.D.] There was nothing more fun than rounding with my interns,

especially when I had a curveball.

All right, my beautiful hunks of unmolded clay,

who can tell me the differentials on Mr. Billings' dysuria?

His urinary pain could be due to kidney stones.

-[imitates buzzer] Wrong. -Or urethral strictures.

-[J.D.] Wrong. -What about prosthetic hypertrophy?

All great guesses, you guys, and all supes wrong.

Brace yourselves. It's chlamydia.

These days they are turning it up in the old folks' home like it's Burning Man,

-right, Mr. Billings? -[chuckles] Yep.

-Yeah, he gets it. -[Sam] Ew.

Wait, is that why my grandma doesn't want me to visit?

Yes, Tosh, your nana loves threesomes.

-Yes, she does. -Yeah, she does.

-Banging-till-the-end five. -[Mr. Billings chuckles]

-Ew. -"Ew" indeed.

[J.D.] As they dealt with the thought of old people banging,

I had to deal with being my ex-wife's boss.

-Oh, J.D. Quick question. -[J.D.] Ruh-roh.

What the hell? Did you actually change the orders on my patient?

Well, technically, as your boss, he's my patient too.

[chuckles] He's not your patient.

They're all my patients, Elliot.

Oh, really? Okay.

Without looking at her chart, what's wrong with Mrs. Goldberg here?

Based on what I've seen today, pregnancy scare.

It's not funny, J.D. You can't just go and change the orders on my patient.

Elliot, I'm the chief of medicine of this hospital, and I'm shaping things up.

Okay. I don't care if you're the chief of medicine.

You haven't been here for a decade.

[J.D.] What do you think my job is?

I'm starting to think we can only hang out with one of 'em.

Well, if they can't be our couples friends, who are we gonna hang out with?

My sister and her husband.

We hate them.

Is that just me?

[Carla scoffs]

It's hard enough having J.D. back here,

but I swear he's using his position as chief against me.

Watch this.

He just had these installed, and he knows these dispensers don't work for me.

Maybe I just can't figure out the rhythm?

Or maybe you don't have any.

I'm telling you, J.D. had them installed to drive me crazy.

Those things don't work for me either.

I just thought they were racist and didn't work for Black or brown people.

Oh, look at that.

Elliot, you and J.D. are letting the resentment

from your marriage bubble up.

You need to get a grip.

Oh, I can't get a grip. My hands are wet.

Look, I know I need to get things under control with Elliot,

especially now that I'm her boss.

Oh, boy, when you say that to her, it drives her crazy.

She does not like it.

[chuckles] Listen, Carla thinks we need to find new couples friends,

so you might wanna keep the peace so we can still hang out.

Worst-case scenario, we annihilate anyone that comes between us.

-Yeah. [chuckles] -Okay. [chuckles]

What exactly are you gonna do to anyone who comes between you?

Look, baby, you know you're my world,

but this right here,

I mean, this is the friendship of... [chuckles] ...a lifetime, right?

It shines brighter than the sun.

So you never wanna have sex with me again?

J.D., I wish you the best with all your future endeavors.

Turk!

[♪ "Superman" plays]

♪ I can't do this All on my own ♪

♪ No, I know I'm no Superman ♪

♪ I'm no Superman ♪

In my entire eight-month career, I have never been abused like this.

Good. I hope you cry in your car tonight.

I'll have you know I cry in my car every night.

Nurse, can you please show Mr. Sharp to his room or an empty elevator shaft?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You cannot talk to a patient like that.

But that man is a nightmare.

I told him he had high cholesterol, and he told me to go get him a man doctor.

Then he gave me a one-star review.

[J.D.] Doctors are being reviewed more than ever on sites like Rate-Your-Doc.

This one says, "I couldn't understand a word he said.

I wish that little twink came with subtitles."

[J.D. chuckles]

I don't know what you guys are talking about. Mine are all three stars.

It's a five-star system, Blake.

That changes things.

Look, you guys are gonna get criticism throughout your whole career.

You have to let it bounce off you like bullets off of Wonder Woman's bracelets.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

I really wish I'd come up with a more masculine metaphor.

Well, those reviews follow you around. Have you read yours lately?

[chuckles] Tosh, I am a seasoned physician, okay?

I haven't read those things in years, and I certainly don't plan to start now.

I'm gonna start the second I'm away from them.

Look, gang, health care is a service industry,

and the customer is always right.

I want you to let me die.

I know end-stage heart failure sounds bleak, but--

My cardiologist says I'd have to wear my heart in a backpack.

Not true. The LVAD is implanted in your heart.

However, the external operating system is housed in this backpack.

Ooh.

[Elliot] Or... [chuckles] ...a stylish messenger bag

for the fashion-forward-heart-failure patient.

-Wow, I'll take it. -[Elliot chuckles]

I am not much for gadgets.

Look, without it, you could have a fatal heart attack at any moment.

Please, think of your family.

My husband and I are estranged. We never had any children.

So I'd live a little longer. What kind of life would that be?

I'll call hospice care to start the paperwork.

Um, but first I wrote something that might change your mind.

[sighs]

Uh, "What if hell is real?"

Could you please tread lightly with her?

I just want to give her a chance to think things over.

I'm sorry, but the hospital is low on organ donors,

and she looks like she's made of good stuff.

I get how Georgia feels.

Who would wanna spend the rest of their days

attached to some big, awkward medical device?

My robot's here!

Hey, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, no touching, no touching.

Excuse me, thank you. Whoo, she's beautiful.

I named her Lisa after WNBA Hall of Famer Lisa Leslie because she is all arms.

[chuckles] Hey, that is what's up, girl dad.

Stop kissing my ass. I haven't decided who's training on her first.

I can't wait to use the 3D-HD vision, the tremor filtration,

and the wristed instruments that surpass human hand range of motion.

And I can't wait to slice somebody open with it.

Amara. Amara goes first.

[gasps] Thank you. [chuckles]

Hey, nice one, Amara.

[imitates robot] I am happy for you.

Why are you talking like that?

It's my robot voice.

Oh... [chuckles] ...it's fun. Thank you.

Wow. So you have, like, no game?

Very little.

[J.D.] It had been years since I'd taken a gander at my reviews,

but so far, these weren't too...

A quarter of a star? How is that even an option?

They got you too, Dr. Dorian? Just remember:

"Pew, pew, pew." [chuckles]

[chuckles] No, no, no, don't worry, Tosh, I-I could care less

that some idiot named "PicklePie3214"

says I'm "a narcissist who's not fit to run a hospital or a 5K."

I can tell that hurt you, but as you told me...

[droning chatter]

[J.D.] I was too mad,

so I tuned Tosh out to sound like the grown-ups in The Peanuts.

[droning chatter]

Hey. Stop Charlie Browning me.

I got your email. Why are you pushing me to discharge my heart failure patient?

Because she's refused treatment,

the hospital is overcrowded, and we need beds, Elliot.

I'm trying to get her to change her mind, J.D. I just need a little more time.

None of this is personal, okay?

[chuckles] Well, it feels personal, J.D., like those new paper towel dispensers.

-You know they don't sense my-- -Cold, pasty death mitts?

Exactly.

Look... [chuckles] ...you used to walk into bathrooms and get paper towels for me,

and now you're weaponizing them.

I gotta make some cuts around here, Elliot.

Thanks for the new buffer, Chief.

You even sprung for the heated seat I wanted. My toasty buns thank you.

That is a standard feature when you go with emerald green.

Ugh!

Careful, he's got it set to super shine.

That felt personal, J.D.!

All right, very good, Amara. Set the clamp.

Excellent job. We're gonna get this patient home to his family.

[whirring]

Remember, it's tiny movements.

-It's like steering a car. -Got it.

Push the gas.

Okay, that's too much gas. Brakes.

-Brakes. -[Amara] Where's the brakes?

-[Turk] Brake! -[stutters] Where's the brake?

[Turk] Oh.

It was a massacre.

I thought you said you studied up on this.

I did. It's just all the driving metaphors were confusing me.

W-Who doesn't get driving metaphors?

Someone who doesn't know how to drive.

Well, they didn't have driver's ed at my school

because it was a very small school, just me and my brothers.

And it was at my house.

Oh, you're a homeschool kid.

That makes perfect sense. I just thought you were weird.

So you guys think homeschooled kids are weird?

-Yes. -No.

-No. -Homeschool was actually awesome.

I never got bullied, and I almost won prom queen twice,

but my brothers always voted for my mom.

-Second place is cool. -She must be pretty.

Forget it, I've overshared.

Oh, hey, Tosh.

Let's say someone did get a bad review,

and he, she or they wanted to get it taken down,

-what would all those people do? -You can't.

Oh, great. So great.

Oh, so it looks like I'm not the only one with thoughts

on your performance as chief.

I don't read the comments, Elliot. I fly above all haters.

Look... [chuckles] ...if it bothers you so much,

then just use the technique we learned in couples counseling.

I mean, just vent everything you wish you could say into a voice note.

Again, couldn't care less.

-[phone chimes] -Voice note:

I don't love Elliot telling me what to do.

My boss ordered me to discharge Georgia. Can you get her digital forms ready?

You should hear this first. Sibby's talking to her next of kin.

His name is Arthur. He's so sweet.

I'm picturing him as the little guy from Up.

Um, the old one, not the chubby Asian Boy Scout one.

[phone beeps]

[Arthur] Georgia and I were married for years. Now that she's dying,

I wouldn't be able to bear it

if I couldn't see her one last time to tell her how I feel.

I'm getting on a bus.

Arthur, get on that bus and get here as fast as you can.

Ooh. This is just like a real life rom-com, and I'm here for it.

Oh, I bet he's wearing one of those tiny little hats

-like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook . -Oh.

Okay, he's the old guy from Up . I thought we agreed on that.

[both] Mmm.

Maybe seeing Arthur will give Georgia a reason to live. We can't discharge her.

Yes, she'd never know how much that sweet man loves her.

How can we stall?

Oh, please, I'm a nurse. I have ways to make discharges take all day.

But if J.D. found out, he'd be pissed.

-Ah. Perfect. -Okay. You're gonna meet our IT guy.

You've seen a lot as a doctor, but you've never seen anything quite like Raffi.

So you expect me to perform an unscheduled software update,

causing the medical records system to go down for hours,

bringing the hospital to a grinding halt?

Yes. Look, I know it sounds crazy, but it's to help an old lady.

Don't call yourself old, baby. You fine.

[chuckles] Thank you.

No, it's not for me. It's for a real old lady.

It's a deal.

Ooh.

-I do like a wet hand. -What is wrong with you?

Several things. That's why they're not allowed to fire me.

Ready in three, two, one.

In summation, PicklePie3214, I am not a narcissist.

I am at the center of this hospital, universally beloved,

and I control everything that's happening here.

-What's happening here? -The whole digital system just shut down.

-What? This is very-- -Very bad.

-I know that because I'm in ch-- -A narcissist.

In charge!

Okay, everyone, the system is down,

but not to worry, Turk and I are gonna figure this out.

-Why are you dragging me in on this? -Not dragging, begging.

Okay, fine.

There is a guy, but you gotta know how to talk to him. I better go with you.

[Elliot whispers] Okay.

Arthur, are you off the bus?

I am. I'm right outside St. Vincent's.

-No! -No! That's the wrong hospital.

-It's Sacred Heart. -[Sibby] Okay.

Is there any chance you have access to a large amount of balloons?

Stay put, Arthur. I'm sending someone to get you.

Tosh, my patient needs your help. Her husband needs a ride.

Will she give me a good review?

She's in heart failure.

I'll make sure she gives you one right before her life leaves her body.

Sweet. I bet she'll use that wounded heart emoji.

All right, everybody, listen up. About an hour and 20 before the system is back.

Until then, we're using paper charts.

Writing? Haven't done this since primary school, but not a problem.

Dude, keep it together, all right? Or at least hide it with your clipboard.

Don't be crass. I just admire her.

You better ask her out, or someone else will. Maybe even me.

You wouldn't.

Would you? Blake?

-Hey. -[Amara sniffles, clears throat]

Ugh, look, so you may have grown up differently.

But you are a surgical intern now, huh? And you're living your best life.

Not really. I live with my aunt.

That's fun. You're living with your cool auntie.

What, she's single? She smokes a little weed? I got one of those.

Nope. She's a mom.

I have two chubby cousins who bully me,

and an uncle I've only ever heard talk twice.

Dashana, what if that grape had been a real person?

Look, Amara, stop. It was a grape.

Come on, you're just getting in your head.

No, I'm not. I can't even drive.

How am I supposed to learn to use that robot?

Maybe I should just be a mortician like my quiet uncle.

Can't kill people if they're already dead.

[sighs]

Hey, you remember when I took you to my barbershop

and I asked you not to say anything?

Yeah, I said a bunch of stuff. I was very liberal with the word "homie."

Exactly. And now I can never go back there and I have to shave my own head.

Point is, when we get in here, please, don't talk.

You got it.

Raffi, you've been warned about tampering with the hospital's network,

and now, from my position, I must hand down punishment.

[J.D.] And then Turk said something that would haunt me forever.

As the Dungeon Master of our Sunday afternoon Dungeons & Dragons campaign,

-I revoke the Amulet of Irzod. -[Raffi] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That gave me plus-11 charisma. I need it to seduce the siren of Drafmore.

Oh, she ain't coming near your ass now.

I don't know why you're blaming me. His snack of an ex-wife asked me to do it.

And when baddies throw game, Raffi don't fumble.

I think I need to go have a little talk with that baddie.

Hey, hey, buddy.

About what you just witnessed in there,

my wife thinks I play golf on Sunday afternoons.

I'd appreciate it if it stayed that way.

-Your nerd secret is safe with me. -Thank you.

Okay, I got Arthur in the car with me. Arthur, say hey.

-Hey. -Aw. What else can he say?

Uh-oh, J.D.'s coming. He looks pissed.

I'm sorry, I can't handle another fight. The octaves you two reach.

-[high-pitched] What do you mean? -Ooh, girl, no.

I know everything, Elliot, and as your boss--

Oh, here we go.

[J.D.] When Elliot and I fight, it goes from zero to 60 pretty fast.

-[bell dings] -[J.D. yells]

[Turk] Welcome to the main event

where a minor disagreement has turned into an all-out battle royale.

Our marriage has been nothing but head games.

[Elliot groans]

I knew that dirty bastard likes it rough.

[Turk] Climbing up to the top rope!

Ooh, that beautiful queen has that vanilla bear right where she wants.

Hey, J.D., you know how you always complain that I never got on top?

Well, happy birthday! [yells]

[crowd] Oh!

Elbow to the face. Brother finally got some.

-[J.D. growling] -[Turk] Hey! Whoa.

[crowd gasps]

Dr. Dorian, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and bring it down.

[crowd] J.D., J.D.!

I'm owed an explanation, Elliot.

Why did you go this far for a patient I told you to discharge?

Obviously you weren't listening to me, J.D.

I told you I needed a little more time to help her.

I'm not training. Uh... [clears throat] ...I want Amara to do it.

Yeah, you know, I totally get that 'cause back in the day,

I got the chance to do my first laparoscopic cholecystectomy,

but The Todd really wanted it,

-so I gave it to him. -Really?

No, Dashana. We're surgeons. We take what we want.

-You know what? You're right. -Yeah.

-I'm gonna take what I want. -Yeah.

-I want Amara to do the surgery. -No.

Dr. Turk, uh, look, you and I already have the confidence to go for what we want,

but Amara... Amara needs some of that.

And as her mentor, it is on you to help her.

[smacks lips] You tricked me.

[softly] I did.

I respect that.

Stop following me.

It's not creepy. We're discussing work...

in the women's bathroom.

What am I missing, Elliot?

I just wanted my patient to know that she was still loved.

Maybe then she would have let us treat her.

I understand, but you're not an intern.

Sometimes patients choose to die. You know that.

Yeah, of course I do, but I guess Georgia got to me because...

...I thought you and I would always be together,

and now I guess I wonder if, at the end of my life, if I'll have anyone at all.

[♪ "Palace" playing]

Must be so scary for her, J.D.

Maybe I wanted that couple to have a happy end to their story

'cause it doesn't look like we're going to.

[J.D.] And then it hit me.

I needed to remember how much I cared for Elliot.

She would always be one of the most important people in my whole life.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, Elliot.

I don't want to have all this resentment between us.

I'm so sorry too.

I care about you, J.D. I will always care about you. You're my family.

I-I just don't know how we do this.

We'll figure it out.

And unlike that couple you're helping,

we're not going to wait until the end of our lives to be there for each other.

♪ I'm still there ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish We never built this palace ♪

[chuckles]

♪ But real love Is never a waste of time ♪

[exhales, sniffles]

Come on, let's go help your patient.

Arthur's getting anxious, and we are in so much traffic.

[clattering]

There's one sure way through traffic.

Excuse me, sir. I've got this young intern...

[J.D.] When we think about a hospital,

the first things that come to mind are illness, death, pain and disease.

But if you look in the right places, there is also love.

-What's going on? -We're helping you touch grass.

♪ Real love Is never a waste of time ♪

Mm-hmm.

You're gonna be an amazing surgeon, but we need to work on your aura.

Hop on. I'm gonna teach you how to drive.

-Are you serious? -Absolutely.

And there's a seat warmer on this bad boy.

I don't want you thinking my ass is that hot.

-What if I crash? -I taught two daughters how to drive.

There's nothing you can do that'll throw me.

Brake, brake, brake, brake, brake!

Let's try that again. This time, maybe tap the gas.

-You're doing it, Amara! You're doing it. -[Dashana applauding]

Yeah!

Look, dude, you got this, all right?

Also, I heard Amara's some kind of weirdo shut-in,

so she's got nothing to compare you to.

-You have a shot. -She's not a weirdo.

Yeah, yeah, totally normal.

Amara! Amara! I was wondering if you'd like to go out--

[groans]

-[J.D.] Sure, love can sting sometimes. -[softly] Yeah.

Arthur, I'm Dr. Reid. I'm so happy that you made it.

-Yeah, w-where is she? -Come right this way.

[J.D.] But love is also the thing that heals us.

I knew it. He looks just like the guy from Up .

Arthur. What are you doing here?

Georgia. [breathes heavily]

-It's been 20 years. -[scoffs] Yeah.

I couldn't let you go without telling you...

You're a miserable cow.

Please tell me that's just a cute nickname.

You always were and you always will be.

Nope, don't think it was.

You rotten bastard. You are the same as ever but fatter.

I was gonna die, but now I think I'll stay alive just to spite you.

Put my heart in a backpack! I'll never die.

[exhales] I was hoping you'd say that.

You keep going, even if it's just to hate me.

Wow, that took a turn.

You hateful, lovely, ugly man, you. [chuckles]

Okay, so they like it twisted.

-Mm-hmm. No judgment. [slurps] -Mmm.

-[J.D.] Let's get out of here. -Come here.

You did a good thing, you miserable cow.

[chuckles] So did you, you rotten bastard.

Okay, I have a confession to make.

I'm the one who wrote that nasty review about you.

You're PicklePie3214?

It never bothered me at all.

[chuckles]

Fast and Furious . How could you not get that?

Why didn't you just do a mad face like... [grunts] ...and then fast, "pew"?

"Pew" is not fast. This is fast. The wind is blowing my hair. I'm so fast.

-We're gonna need more booze. -They fight like an old married couple.

You know what, Turk? I've had enough.

Carla, on Sundays, when you think he's playing golf...

-No. -...he's living an entirely different life.

-No! -He's a Dungeon Master.

-But you swore! -He controls an entire battalion of nerds.

[gasps] Is that why I saw you ironing that cape?

It's a cloak.

[bell dings]

Feel the wrath of the Dungeon Master! [screams]

[screams]

[crowd cheering]