Original subtitles

Do you know what dealing with force is going to do to me? Do you have any idea?

Hold it!

There's something wrong.

You have to kill your own muskrat. Can you believe it? They made me an honorary

muskrat.

Crazy for love.

Miltie told me you had a key to the school. Come on.

Miltie, I told you not to tell anybody.

One guy.

Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock. Who cuts?

Cuts! Oh, no, the man.

Young man.

And right here is where you start paying.

What?

Aren't they beautiful?

Very attractive.

For boxers.

What's in them?

The XCR 560.

XJR 560.

Just the finest state -of -the -art lighting equipment on the market.

So good. Why is it filled in the box?

I haven't had time to set it up yet.

I didn't know you were a lighting expert.

Give me a Fresnel and a couple of barn doors and a snoot and I'm a happy man.

Back at Penn State, I led all the shows. They used to call me Rainbow, King of

the Gels.

Rainbow?

Hey, is that an XJR?

Very good, Mr. Velasquez. You know your lighting equipment. Yeah, I learned all

about them in Stagecraft 101.

Boy, this is a really... Can't you read?

This is very delicate instrumentation here.

Sorry.

Mr. Velasquez, could I talk to you for a moment, please?

Over the years, I've acquired a substantial collection of sheet music.

Trouble is, it's also disorganized. I can never find what I need.

Oh, so you want somebody to catalog it.

Exactly. And it'll be an extra credit on your grade.

Oh. Oh, say no more, Mr. Rofsky.

I'm your man.

When did you say you needed this done?

As soon as possible.

Oh, it's no problem. Then I'll just do it this weekend.

Well, I'd have to be here to supervise you, and I already have plans.

All right, it's up to you. But I promised I'd just come in, do the work,

leave.

Here's the key to the school.

Please make sure you log up when you're finished.

Of course, sir.

Hey, hey, hey, Velasquez, I got great news for you. You know your band

Albondigas? Uh -huh. It's on its way to the top. Yeah, so I've heard it all

before. Yeah, well, I got through to Linda Hayden, the A &R person at Black

Records. And?

And she said she was busy and hung up.

But hey, she accepted my call.

How can I be in a band? Please, please. Look, I told you and I've told you and

I've told you. You get a showcase for us for a record label, and I might let you

play with us. I love.

Albondigas featuring Milt the Horowitz.

Well, what do you think?

You want to look like this, huh?

Yeah, why not?

Jill, even I don't look like this.

I know. I just want to etch some life into this face.

I'm sick and tired of looking so innocent and pure.

I want to be a loner. I want to be a rebel.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong, sis? Lose something?

Off duty already?

6 .05.

Time to go home. We don't want to be late for Mom and Dad.

How do you like your new beat, Officer Beckett? Oh, when Dad first transferred

me to this area, I was pretty disappointed.

It's pretty tame compared to Times Square.

We want someone to keep an eye on Jillian. And who better than me?

606, Jillian.

You know, Patrick, Mom said I could stay out later on Friday night.

Oh, does Dad know about this? That means I'll have to call in. I hope he's in a

good mood. Never mind.

Later, Reg.

Bye.

I really want to make those changes, okay?

You better show up early. You've got to work it out for us. Oh, yeah? What kind

of work?

Studying, Patrick, okay?

Okay, okay. What a grouch. Well, nice chatting with you, Higgins. 10 -4,

Beckett.

Hey, Donlin. What are you doing?

I'm trying for my audition.

They're looking for someone to replace him. Hosting a cooking show.

Macho gourmet. I never met a macho gourmet. It's a guy who cooks with guts.

Like, for instance, this is the Doomsday Burger.

Burn on the outside, bloody on the inside.

That's disgusting.

Besides, you can't cook.

Hey, I know that.

I got all weekend to learn. I hear you. Hey, Lou, come on, man. I ain't had an

audition in a month.

I really need this job. I'm sorry. I need the room.

I'm entertaining my lodge brothers tomorrow, and everything's got to be

What are you doing lodging? Better wait for my grill, darling.

Hey, Leroy.

Listen, don't forget to be here early tomorrow.

Huh? Muskrat day.

Lou, I'm not so sure I want to become a muskrat.

Why not?

It's a great organization.

Besides, as the host of the grand gathering of muskrats, I got to initiate

member. You're my last hope.

What if I don't fit in?

Oh, sure you will.

Hey, think about someone who's been a muskrat for 25 years. You're going to

it. You get to learn the muskrat anthem and the muskrat snort and the invisible

muskrat handshake.

Can't wait, Will.

What a time to find that I'm allergic to dust.

Promise me I can play drums in the band. Look, man, I'm only up to the Gs.

Either start looking for Gershwins or leave me alone, all right? Forget

Gershwin. You're going to be bigger. I just talked to Linda Hayden again. She

wants to see El Bondi Gus tonight.

Tonight? How'd you convince her?

Simple. I told her we were Bruce Springsteen's favorite band.

We'll deal with that after the minutes.

Brother Ralph.

Excuse me.

Welcome, oh high -exalted furry one.

Brother Mackey, it is indeed a pleasure to be here at the 180th gathering of the

Fraternal Order of Muskrats.

I assume this is the candidate for initiation?

Roy Johnson, say hello to Ralph McReed, the Supreme Muskrat.

Secret handshake.

Right.

Pleased to meet you.

Wise choice, Brother Mackey. I can see Brother Johnson.

Has the makings of a quality muskrat.

What'd they tell you?

Bean dip, anyone?

You put pigs in a blanket?

How about some bologna fries?

Hey, says, bean dip?

Pigs in a blanket?

It all looks so good. Hey, listen, no bunch of... There's plenty of hungry

muskrats around.

Come on, circulate. Sorry, I believe.

Hey, understand that, grab it, try it. How about it?

don't understand. Today, I'm one of them.

One of them.

Today, I'm a muskrat.

Congratulations.

I hope Linda Hayden doesn't mind seeing her boy because he can lose lanes.

Yeah, I told her she could bowl a few free games.

Uh -oh.

See what I see?

Muskrats.

No, wait. You gotta tell her it's all.

Jesse. No, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna perform for a bunch of rodents.

Jesse, you know how long it's gonna take me to count another record company?

I know, I know.

Let's do it. Let's get it. What's happening?

Hey, uh, Donlon, uh, what are you doing here?

Come on, Miltie told me you had a key to the school. Come on.

Miltie, I told you not to tell anybody.

One guy.

Hey, Jeff, you opening up?

Okay, Tim.

Who's under the tent?

It's Jillian. We were doing some experiments on her hair, and it kind of

of hand.

Ah,

ah, where's everybody going? The cafeteria. I've got to work on my

Recipes? Wait, what?

Yeah, but you can't come in here on the weekend. Oh, no.

Not only am I macho, I'm very neat.

But they're going to hold me responsible.

Don't worry about it. What do you mean, don't worry about it?

So do I tell Linda Hayden to forget it or what?

Yeah, I guess. What else can we do? We don't have a place to perform.

Man, Darren Ford's chord really works great.

Hey, Velasquez, the band's ready to rehearse. How long are you going to be

messing with these lights?

I'm almost done. I hope you know what you're doing.

Okay, it's almost programmed.

Let's do it.

He's got most peculiar ways.

Everybody that I meet

I'm dead.

I'm really dead.

Screwdriver. Screwdriver.

It's definitely busted.

So are we.

You think you got problems?

When the lights went out, it ruined my soldier fortune souffle.

You know how tough it is getting spam to ride?

I just want this to go on record, Velasquez, that I had nothing to do with

It was your decision to use this lighting board, not mine, and I have

to prove it.

Psycho, I'm a desperate man, and I'm not in the mood.

I suppose you expect me to bail you out.

Or are you an electronic genius?

No, but I have a friend who is, and I could have him here in five minutes.

Yeah? Yeah, but only if you let me sink background on at least one thing.

Okay, you got it. We'll eat on another.

Miltie! Okay, okay, but he promised, right? You heard.

Hey, anybody in here got any tinfoil?

I'm all out.

Hey, where's Jillian?

She's in the makeup room.

Don't go in there. She's in a transition period.

That Lou has some foil.

Hey,

Lou, do you have to kill your own muskrat? Huh? With a hat.

Dean, we're running low on a baloney triangle.

I have never seen human beings eat so much. Yeah, well, when people get this

bored, all they can do is eat.

180 muskrat parties. Where's the first dud?

That it makes you feel like crawling into a hole?

Yes.

Oh, great hat.

Excuse me, miss. We have a rule. No women at parties.

You are so adorable. I love those epaulets.

Secret muskrat snort. Who taught you that?

No one. Just kind of came to me.

Stunning. Reggie, what are you doing here?

Lou. Hi, I need some tinfoil and some spam.

The tinfoil's behind the counter. Forget about the spam. I'm running short.

You never want to be without reserved spam.

Thanks a lot.

See ya.

Remarkable young lady.

Remarkable.

No spam!

I was lucky to get the tinfoil.

I guess I could dice up some weenies.

But that's not very macho.

Oh, God!

Get up!

Cut! I'm checking out the lobby.

Jill, help me.

Reggie? Jillian?

What's going on?

Shh.

Come on, you guys. I don't like this.

Will you be quiet?

Who's that?

Who is that?

Nice hair.

Thanks. Who's got the problems with the XJR?

Hey, everybody, meet our savior, Fred.

Okay, hold it right there.

Oh, my God.

Not a cop. It's Patrick.

Jillian?

You look terrible.

I'm gonna get back to my weenies.

Jillian, we gotta talk.

You really made a mess of this sucker.

Well, can you fix it?

If it's broke, I'll fix it. If it ain't broke, I'll break it. Then I'll fix it.

The genius, I told you. Well, how long is this gonna take? We kinda got a time

problem here. Hey, back off, chump. I don't work well under pressure, you

Tightens up my striptease muscles.

Yeah, you heard the man. Come on, step back. Okay, okay, but how much is it

going to cost?

Take a guess.

A lot?

Good guess.

Don't worry about it. I got it covered.

Fred, you take plastic?

Sure, I take plastic.

Who's going to give you a credit card?

Daddy gave it to me in case of emergency. Well, this is an emergency.

Okay, I'll do it. All right.

But you've got to stay out of my way.

If you get very aggravated, my ulcer acts up. You know what I mean?

Give him a room. No.

That's okay.

Business world.

It's a killer.

Did you really think you could go home looking like this?

You know Dad. He shoots first and he asks questions later.

I don't understand why everything has to be such a big deal.

Lying isn't a big deal.

I didn't lie.

Reggie and I are going to be busy studying all weekend. Okay, so I lied.

what other choice did I have?

Jillian, I want you to take that dunk off and go home.

Patrick, I'm staying right here. And believe me, that is no lie.

Excuse me.

Once you get your weenies squirming on the grill, it's time to confront your

eggs.

Trouble is getting these little cowards out of their shell.

Breathe, mister.

That's no way to treat an egg.

And you're murdering these weenies.

I'm supposed to.

I'm auditioning for the Macho Gourmet, all right?

No kidding.

His recipes aren't bad. Strong on steaks and chops, but no finesse.

You want to show?

Oh, yeah.

Behind this badge beats the heart of an Epicurean master.

What? I'm a chef.

No. Oh, yeah.

Hey, that's great. Maybe you can give me some pointers.

You know, I'm having trouble with this. I sold you a fortune souffle. I know

this. Yeah. The secret to a souffle is fluffy eggs.

See? It's all in the wrist.

It's only too macho to me.

Conlon, the true macho gourmet knows how to be gentle.

Here, you try it.

Come on.

There you go.

Well, I gotta be going.

Remember to keep that wrist fluid.

Hey, maybe you can come back later. I could really use your help. Really, I

I get up duty at six.

Great. We can do crepes together.

Okay. All right.

Ha ha.

takes it out of me.

I'll tell you, breaking stuff is a lot more fun than fixing it.

Hey, what do we owe you?

Well, let's see.

Parks, labor.

How long I been here, Mildy?

Uh, three hours.

That's time and a half for weekends.

Minimum house call charge.

Almost forgot the sales tax.

Comes to a grand total of $418 .92.

$400?

You want the best, it's going to cost you. Hey, don't worry about it.

Daddy will take care of it.

Anything over $50, I got a call for an authorization.

Naturally.

How are you going to explain this to Daddy?

Don't worry, he loves me.

Okay, let's start loading this stuff up into the box. Wait a minute, what about

our audition for Linda Hayden? Come on, she'll love us even in total darkness.

Yeah, but I want her to see me.

You're over your limit, chump. Daddy said it was good.

He lied.

He did?

I'm starting to get very aggravated, Milton.

Where's my money? You'll get it. You'll get it. Just give us a couple of days,

okay? You'll get it. You'll get it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. I understand.

Yous are in a bind, right?

Yeah. All right. So what the hell? I ain't no hard guy.

Take all the time you want.

Thanks.

You can't do that!

When I get my money, you get it back.

I may be totally wrong, but I think Mr. Derenfort is going to really be mad at

you.

Why do I ever listen to you?

Oh, I know an electronic genius.

I've got Daddy's credit card. Do you know what Darren Ford's going to do to

Do you have any idea?

That's right. That's exactly what he's going to do to me.

What's going on?

Well, it looks like Jesse's trying to kill Miltie.

That's what I thought.

Jillian, you look interesting.

You really think so?

Miltie, he's trying to say something. What is it?

Come on, say it.

Party. Party. We'll throw a party. We'll charge admission. We'll get the console

back. You lost Mr.

Deerenforce's lighting board?

Hey, partying is cool. You know, that's not a bad idea.

Wait a minute.

I think we better get permission.

That's the old Jillian. Come on. New Jillian.

You're right.

I say go for it.

Actually, it's a great idea. I love it.

Wait a minute. What if we can't get anybody to come?

Don't worry. I can fill this place up like that.

Trust me.

Melty, I don't know how you did it, but you did it. I have my way.

Hey, Milton, what's all this for you about a party? It's going to cost you $2

find out. Oh, you know what's not?

No, he's our guest.

Okay. Right. There you go.

So when's the boss get here?

Soon. Soon.

Can't wait.

Enjoy the show, Fred. Enjoy.

Well, Melty, what boss?

Well, I sort of went on WSOA and told everyone that Bruce Springsteen was

to give a free concert.

you'd use your talents for good instead of evil. Don't worry, the boss won't let

me down.

Okay, but when he doesn't show, pal, you're gonna tell the crowd, not me.

We're really making the bucks, huh?

I only got $200.

$200? With all these heat milks, he wears the rest of the cash.

Can I help it if half these people refuse to pay?

Great, but what are we gonna do now?

Go get more people.

And do you pledge to uphold the rules and bylaws of the loyal order of

I do. And finally, Brother Johnson, do you pledge to be loyal, honorable, and

industrious like all good muskrats?

I do.

Welcome to the innermost nest of the loyal order of muskrats.

Muskrats do not know how to party.

We'll unlock their secret handshake.

Anybody in here interested in having a really wild time?

You

know,

I owned a muskrat. Really? I didn't know they sold him as pets.

No, we trapped him.

and he was wild.

Like all true muskrats.

You know, that's an interesting idea.

We could use a mascot.

No, I'm sorry. We had him with the police.

Oh, what a tragedy.

Mind of something?

Uh, I know it looks bad, but I had no choice.

What? Where's the boss?

Miltie! Oh, Miltie.

Miltie! Hey, hey, is this a happening or what?

Where's Springsteen? You said I could sing with him. You got a beautiful

Fred. When do you hear him sing? Where is he? Don't like me to keep waiting.

he probably got delayed.

You know, the turnpike on the road.

Sure. Enough already, man.

Springsteen's not coming. What?

Well, first no $400, now no boss. You're a dead man. Wait, I got an idea.

Oh, God.

Right.

dynamite.

I ain't Jesse Velasquez, but I am dynamite.

kind of down.

Come on, man. Tell me Deer and Forth isn't going to find out about this.

Deer and Forth isn't going to find out about this.

There. Feel better?

They suggest you screwed up.

I mean, every decision you made today was a mistake.

You're a walking disaster.

Totally.

Okay, that's enough.

But look on the bright side.

You're over the hump.

Milty's law.

Eventually something's got to go right.

I can't wait.

Well, look, pal, you got two choices.

You can either stay in here and mope or you can go out there and party.

What's it going to be?

Give me that.

Can't believe you bought that.

If you could do anything you want, what would it be?

Boy, you mean like my really big dream? Yeah.

I always wanted to be in demolition.

Roll things up. Really big things like skyscrapers, bridges, maybe even a small

town. That's quite a dream.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it wasn't in the cards.

The best laid plans of mice and men. Gong off the galay and leave us not but

grief and pain for summer's joy lesson.

Freddy, that was beautiful.

Sensitive guy.

I knew that the minute you kissed me.

You know, all my life I've been looking for a meaningful relationship.

So have I.

So, uh, what do you say? Want to get meaningful?

Freddy, you're such a boy.

Yeah, that's me.

That's delicious.

The way you taste it poured over bananas.

Now, the key to your dramatic flambé is to have your saucepan at the perfect

temperature when you add your brandy.

You make that sound so simple.

All right. Great party, huh?

You can join him if you want. I can handle things here. Are you kidding? I

should probably bust the lot of you.

Luckily, I'm off duty.

You know something, Patrick? You're okay.

Tell that to Julian.

I really hate spying on her.

Then don't. She's a good kid.

I know that, but I gotta look out for her. I'm her brother. That's right. Her

brother. Not her parole officer.

Here you go.

Clambe away.

Where are you going?

I think I'll check out the party after all.

There you go.

A lot of us a good party up until it's fire.

What's going on here?

Why? Why'd you give me the keys to the school?

No.

Why did I ever come to this country?

All right, I got good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?

Good news.

What could be good about a fire?

It was mostly just smoke. It didn't cause any damage.

Right. See, things aren't that bad.

The fire department called Mr. Deeren first.

What? It's procedure to notify the principal.

He's on his way. Oh, no.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Deerenworth lives in Jersey, right?

So? So it'll take him an hour and a half to get here. If you tell him a night

and hour time. That's if he takes the Lincoln Tunnel. If he takes the George

Washington Bridge, he'll be here in 90 minutes. What are you talking about?

Why don't you two stop? Come on, we've got a school to clean up. Let's go.

All right, there are brooms and garbage bags in the supply cabinet.

Start downstairs.

Don't forget the third floor. There are people up there, too.

All right, let's go.

Let's keep up the good work.

Shirovsky. What did I tell you? We'll have this place cleaned up in no time.

What about the lighting board?

Oh, um, well, once Miltie Klein's friend gives us the money, everything ought to

be fine. Boom.

I wish I could show you optimism, Mr. Velasquez.

All right, let's keep it up, keep it up. Looking good.

Look, Pat, I want you to know I think this is really great the way you're

helping out with the firemen and the cleanup and everything.

No problem.

And if you feel you have to tell Dad about me, I'd understand.

Tell him what?

You know what I mean.

Hey, Jillian, you're a big girl. It's none of my business what you do.

You mean you wouldn't tell Dad?

You go home looking like that, I won't have to.

Come on, you think I'd wear this home?

Patrick, this is just an experiment. I'm not suicidal.

Look, Julie, when I was your age, I did a lot of incredibly stupid things, too.

From now on, you won't have Big Brother watching over you.

You mean that?

But I can't say the same thing about Dad.

Hey, Patrick.

Thanks.

Basically, Roy, if it wasn't for the party at the school tonight, it would be

total disaster.

Come on, Lou, you're being too hard on yourself.

No, I let my fellow muskrats down.

I might as well turn on my cap.

If you go, I go.

You'd do that for me?

Of course, we're the friends of Paul. Hey, Leroy, can you believe it? They

me an honorary muskrat.

That's great.

Yeah, we can go to meetings together.

Just the muskrat I wanted to see.

Congratulations, Brother Mackey.

This has been a night that the live muskrat has...

You hear that,

B -Roy?

With muskrats forever!

I've been all over this school. I can't find Fred anywhere.

What? I can't find him.

Okay,

nobody panic. Listen.

Jennifer shouldn't be here for at least another half an hour, right? That's only

if you took the bridge. If he took the tunnel, he'd be here screaming at us by

now. Oh, man, enough of both of you. Milky, give me the money. I'll go look

him. Somebody looking for me?

You believe that's mine?

Ah, yes, sir. Now, uh, where's the equipment?

Up front in my van.

Let's go.

Not so fast.

This ain't 400 bucks.

Sure it is, right, Milky?

328.

Right on the nose.

You're amazing, friend.

It's amazing.

Okay, so give him the rest of the money now. Well, I can't. That's all we took

in. Come see me when you get the other 90 bucks.

One moment, young man.

How about I give you a check for the balance?

Sorry, cash or nothing, pops.

Pops? Well, then give us back the $300.

You didn't mean that, friend.

Hey, Milton, this guy is beginning to bug me. Relax,

dollface. I'll kill these guys and we'll go get something to eat.

Hi, I'm Linda Hayden.

Linda Hayden? The record company Linda Hayden? I thought you guys were really

good tonight.

Hey, does that mean you're going to sign it?

Well, no.

I'm going to sign Fred.

She thinks I got better pipes than the boss.

Are you really Linda Hayden? Let them have their equipment.

Why should I? Because if it wasn't for them, we never would have met.

And besides, what's $100 for the next brute spring steam?

Yeah. Shirovsky, your being here is certainly above and beyond the call of

When I heard the sirens, I ran right over it. Firemen said it was some kind

short in the alarm system. I'm relieved to see that there was no damage.

Well, you do have a long ride home. Before we go, there's one thing I want

check.

What's all this?

My lighting board?

Yeah, we were going to surprise you Monday morning. We know how much the

meant to you, so I went ahead and I had my buddy Fred here set it up for you.

But unfortunately, there was a power surge and it set off the fire alarm.

Did you know about this?

Surprise.

I probably should be annoyed at being called down here in the middle of the

night.

Imagine you taking the time to set this up for me.

I'm deeply moved.

No sweat, pal.

Well, you know, it's really past my bedtime, so I'm... Yeah, me too. Good

Mr. Derenforth. Good night.

Hold it.

There's something wrong.

Oh, really?

I wasn't born yesterday.

The Board of Ed's going to hear about this.

Do we have to take it to the Board of Ed? I'm sorry, Mr. Derenforth.

This console is a disaster.

Hey, yo, Chief, I worked hard fixing that thing up.

This isn't the XJR560.

It's a 420.

Exactly. After all this waiting, they sent us the wrong model.

They did?

I'm sorry, boys. I know the trouble you went to to surprise me, but we're going

to have to send this back.

Pretty proud of yourselves, aren't you?

Listen now, Mr. Shirovsky.

Wouldn't it be really appreciated if you kept what happened today just between

us? Yeah, I will. And I'd appreciate it if on Monday morning both of you

reported attention.

For what?

You had to ask.

How about my sheet music?

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot all about it. I'll get right on it.

On second thought, I'll do it myself.

See you on Monday.

Bye, Mr. Sharofsky.

I hope a day like this never happens to me again.

You're not mad at me, are you?

No. I take full responsibility. Just don't ever involve me in any more of

crazy schemes.

Fine. Fine. Next time you find yourself in a jam, don't expect me to bail you

out. I won't.

Good. Good.

Fine. Fine.

You want to hear how I can get us out of detention?