All language subtitles for S05E17 - The Comedian

Where have I heard that joke before?

From me.

The guy that stole our material.

I was dancing to the music in the arms
of someone new.

Wishing he was you.

Guys better than me have stolen from
guys better than you.

Now take my advice and forget about it.

You blew it, kid.

I don't want you on my stage

Great looking chick I was seeing. Yeah,
what about her? I had to break up with

her. What happened?

She wanted to get married.

She wanted to marry you? Not me, some
dude named Scott.

Get the hook, get the hook.

How much pain can we take? Yo, give us a
break, huh?

What do you think, it's easy to stand up
here and be funny? Not for you.

Hey, why don't you get up here and try
it, wise guy?

Okay, okay, all right, everybody, settle
down. It's enough heckling.

Give these guys a break.

It's a comedy workshop.

It's not like you're paid to get in
here. They should pay us. Hey, hey, hey.

don't you listen to him, young man, and
learn, okay?

Yeah, Sandy's practically the best
comedian in America.

Hey, what do you mean practically?

Can I ask a question?

Sure. What did you used to do when you
were getting heckled? Me? I never got

heckled. It was always my partner.

Which is why Ollie Joe Walters is now my
ex -partner.

No, no, no. But seriously.

The surest way to handle heckling is to
keep from being heckled. And that means

good material.

So what you're trying to say is you
don't think our jokes are too good, huh?

Oh, no, Danny. No, that's not what I'm
saying. It's not a question of whether

they were good or they were bad.

They were jokes.

And that's not what comedy is about
today.

Today it's about humor.

Your stuff should be more personal.

Like what?

My parents broke up with me. They're not
divorced. They got separated.

You're pretty quiet around the house,
huh?

Well, now they just curse each other
over the phone.

I mean, like, the kid is great, huh?
Yeah.

Great. My mother is a very emotional
woman. I mean, little things upset her.

Like the other day, my father called her
up, and he told her he loves her, he

can't wait to see her.

Why is she that upset?

It's the wrong number. He thought he was
calling his girlfriend.

But seriously, being the child of a
broken home is not as bad as it sounds.

I mean, you get to visit two crummy
homes, your mom showers you with love,

your dad showers you with money.

So it ain't like you got one mother. You
got a mother and a floozy, right?

Thank you.

Thank you. God bless you.

Wonderful.

Terrific work.

Yeah, well, thanks for you, man. Making
it personal really helped. All right.

Hey, tell them I'm personal. Is that my
mother?

Ain't you sick?

Hi, Mom.

You didn't tell me you were coming down
here. Something came up, Danny.

Danny, it was a great show.

Look,

if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go
find Sandy and see if I can get a few

minutes for us.

I hope I didn't insult you with my act.

You did.

But I'm way past that.

Your father called.

He wants me to have dinner with him.

Alone?

That was girlfriend or nothing, right?

Twenty -two years I was a slave to that
man and he walked out on me.

So don't go.

Which did I win?

What do you say we have to come up here
and do a three minutes, Bill, son? What

do you say, Sammy? Come on! Come on!

When in swinish sleep their drenched
natures lie as in a

death.

What cannot... What cannot you and I
perform upon the unguarded donkey?

Bring forth men, children only.

When we have marked with blood those
sleepy two of his own chamber and used

their very daggers that they have done
it. Who dares receive it other?

Reggie, I don't see that you're so upset
about it. You don't see it.

You see, they were laughing at me. Yeah,
but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

It is when you're playing a horrible
woman who's just driven her husband to

commit murder.

I think you're overreacting.

They'll calm down in the second act.

Anybody seen Reggie Higgins this
morning?

No, that poor child. I know she must be
crushed.

I know I would be.

Oh, la -di -da.

It's about time somebody did a funny
Lady Macbeth.

But everybody plays her so seriously.
She's a real drag.

She is a drag, isn't she?

Lydia. What? Sorry, Elizabeth. I happen
to think Reggie's very talented.

She's one of those actresses that can't
help being funny.

Well, is that so terrible? I don't think
she's funny.

I can't wait to see her death, Demona.

Look, you birds, Elizabeth is right.
Elizabeth is right. We are teachers, and

are not behaving responsibly.

I'm sure Reggie's testimony will be
heart -rendering.

This is great.

What an audience.

They're laughing even before I tell a
joke.

Good afternoon, all.

For those of you who don't know him,
this is Mr. Sandy Webb, who's going to

teaching a comedy workshop at the
school.

We know that, Mr. Derecourt.

Word travels fast.

Welcome. Thank you.

Yes, welcome. It's a real pleasure to
meet you.

The pleasure's mine.

Stay here.

I'm one of your biggest fans.

Thank you.

Who is he?

Tell me, Mr. Webb.

Sandy, this workshop you're teaching,
can you make anyone funny?

Anyone?

Well, uh, me.

Yeah, stop by the workshop. We'll give
it a try.

Well, if I did come by, would I have to
tell a joke and so forth?

Uh, yeah, that's kind of the plan.

See, that's kind of rough. Whenever I
tell a joke, I get so nervous.

Hey, welcome to the club. We all get
nervous.

What do you do when that happens, Mr.
Webb?

Watch me on the tube tonight. Maybe
you'll find out.

That's right.

Sandy here is going to be on the Phil
Braverman late night show tonight.

Really? That's great. Oh, I'll make sure
I stay up and catch you. Ah, it's not

that big a deal. Just a major gig that
any comedian in the country would kill

for.

And every home in America will be tuning
in, too.

Is that funny?

I never know when it's funny.

My parents wanted me to become a doctor.
I wanted to become a lawyer.

So we compromised.

I became a comic. Which one do you
think, Danny? The blue or the red? The

one. He's dying out there.

You don't like the red one? Don't worry
about me. I'll pull it off.

I see what's happening here.

You folks planned on spending a quiet
evening and nothing's going to change

minds, right?

Come on, Sandy, let's go, man. Let's do
it.

Let me tell you about my mom.

My mom is a real emotional woman.

Little things upset her.

Like one time my father called. Told her
how much he loved her. Couldn't wait to

see her.

Why should that upset her, you ask?

It was a wrong number.

I thought he was calling his girlfriend.

Who has I heard that from before?

From me.

But darling, this guy just stole our
material.

It doesn't.

Did I miss something?

No.

I'm sorry, Mr. Swarovski.

Something just struck me.

Funny. I apologize. I'm sorry.

Miss Higgins, when one is concentrating,
one's mind does not wander.

Now, if you can get your mind back on
the song, we'll begin again.

You think you can compose yourself?

Oh, sure.

Mozart composed entire operas. I
certainly ought to be able to compose

Quiet.

I really am.

Fine, now. You'll be so good as to
continue.

Sure.

Man, I can't believe it. There must be
somebody we can report it to.

To the company of me?

Hey, you guys.

Did you guys see Sandy Webb on TV last
night?

It was really weird. It's like he was
going to flop, but then he pulled it

That's a real problem. Yeah, his last
couple of jokes were real killers.

We know.

Who wrote them?

I didn't know you guys wrote for Sandy
Webb.

We don't.

God stole from us.

Hey, you know, the same thing happened
to me when I wrote the 1812 Overture.

To this day, I've got no credit for
that.

A funny thing

happened to me on the way to a PTA
meeting.

A dog ripped my trousers and a car
splashed mud on me and I missed the

never got to the meeting.

You don't get a break like that every
day.

I'm not sitting down until I get a
laugh.

Finally.

Hey, Donovan, I haven't told you you're
late.

Why don't you grab a seat?

You'll be interested in this discussion.

Yeah, well, we have something to discuss
with you, too. Yeah, something the

whole class may be interested in
hearing. Well, we'll get around to it.

But for right now, I want to talk about
ethics and originality.

Humor me.

Take a seat.

Take a seat.

One time I told a student to take a seat
and he put it under his arm and went

home with it.

Tough crowd.

Okay, what do comedians do when they go
dry?

You're out there on the spot and you're
facing an agonizing moment when you're

dying.

You want to run.

But where to?

Your body is cold.

You're paralyzed.

And maybe your whole career is riding on
this one night.

What do you do?

No, darling. It takes a real man to
apologize the way Sandy did. What did he

actually say? I'm sorry.

Well, actually, no. I mean, but we know
what he meant, right?

He seemed pretty sorry.

Hey, I felt sorry for the guy.

Yeah. I bet he feels bad about the whole
thing.

Man, I hope we didn't make too much of
it, though, darling.

We didn't make anything of it, Amitul.
He stole our jokes, remember?

No, you're right.

You're absolutely right, man. I mean,
the guy stole from us.

That's right.

There is something, though.

When you think about it, it's pretty
funny.

Out of all the comedians out there, he
picked our stuff.

And it could be thousands, hundreds of
thousands.

It could be millions when you really
think about it.

Millions of guys out there, and Sandy
Webb picked us.

It is an honor, Donald.

And then Anna Karenina threw herself on
the railroad track in front of an

oncoming train and ended her life.

And that's all, folks.

All right.

All right.

Settle down.

Am I to consider that last line part of
your book report?

Come on, Miss Sherwood. I was just
kidding around.

This book is so depressing and tragic.

It's supposed to be tragic.

It's a tragedy.

Reggie, you cannot go through life
turning everything into a joke.

Would you think it funny if I gave you
an F?

Amy Sherwood, you know, humor's probably
the most wonderful thing in the whole

world. And I'd say wherever you can find
it, it would have to be good, right?

Wrong, Danny.

There's a time and a place.

You know, I don't know what everybody's
making such a big deal about.

I made one joke.

One lousy joke!

Sometimes you feel somewhere.

One heart that belongs to somebody else.
The other alone

and scared.

You and I have always kept a feeling.

Only I can start a fire. I'd be down if
I was born.

But my heart can't kill me.

So before we go to...

And I don't know.

No, me and Donald, we're going to watch
Teddy Rubber from the end. Oh!

Come here.

Chris, let me get louder.

Hey, Lou, can we get it quiet for a
minute?

Yeah, Teddy's coming on any minute.

Let me tell you something, I'm a fool.

When people dance, they get sweaty.

When he gets sweaty, he gets thirsty.

When he gets thirsty, he buys beverages.
And when he buys beverages, I make

money.

Your good friend, Sandy Webb, he would
give me a couple of peanuts the other

night.

So forget it.

But I really can't blame my mother.

She was never the same after the
divorce.

But being a child of separated parents,
it's not as bad as it sounds.

You got two crummy apartments to visit.

Your mom showers you with love. Your pop
showers you with money.

You only got one mother. You got one
mother and a floozy.

He did it again.

I don't know about you, Amatero, but I'm
not honored no more.

He ain't here. He should be. He got a
class.

Mr. Donovan, Mr. Amatulo, two cellmates
in prison are talking, and the first guy

says, how long you in for? And the
second guy says, 40 years. How about

the first guy says, 20 years.

So the second guy hands him a letter and
says, mail this.

What do you think?

Mr.

Dimple, do you know where Sandy Webb is?
Oh, he got a gig at the funny club. He

won't be teaching here anymore.

It's a funny club.

Well, that happened pretty quick, huh?
Yeah, the owner saw him on TV last

He hired him right off the Phil
Braverman show. Wasn't he terrific?

Come in.

Ah, mother of mercy.

Is this the end of Rico?

That's not funny, man. What you did was
low.

You're right, it was.

It's not like you took a couple of
jokes, man.

You stole our entire act. It wasn't even
the act. You know what you took? You

took a piece of us.

And don't give me that stuff about going
dry or being paralyzed with fear.

Comics don't have to steal from each
other to be good, chump. Hey, get the

out of here, will you guys?

It's bad enough I don't like myself. I
don't need you two to remind me.

I mean, what is this?

You turn around and say you don't like
yourself, you're sorry. What is that

supposed to do, get you off the hook?
Well, it doesn't.

All right, you want more? I'll give you
more.

Grow up.

I'll be doing stand -up comedy long
after you two got day jobs.

Guys better than me have stolen from
guys better than you.

Now take my advice and forget about it.

It's over.

Damn it, man.

It ain't over.

My whole life, all I ever wanted to do
was be a professional comedian.

Maybe I'll make it, maybe I won't. Maybe
I'll get a day job. Maybe I'll have the

day job forever.

But you want to know something? I'd
rather do that than end up like you.

Excuse me.

I got a show to do.

You know, he ain't worth it. He's a
punk.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Funny Club is
proud to present one of the funniest men

in America, Mr. Sandy Webb.

That's a tough act to follow up there,
guys.

So don't choke.

Everything's under control, all right?

Yeah, that's what you said last night.

And the night before that.

And the night before that.

Trying to tell us something, Lou?

Yeah. You guys aren't funny.

Hey, Lou, you get what you pay for.

Which in your case is nothing.

So young to be so bitter.

Hey!

Ma, what's up?

I decided to kill your father.

Just couldn't wait till I got home? I
gotta know, Danny.

Am I making a mistake?

Ma, you gotta listen to what your heart
tells you.

My heart told me to kill him, Danny.

I gotta go.

Danny, he really wanted to see me last
week.

But I put it off.

I didn't want him to think I was sitting
by the phone waiting for him.

I'm not, you know. Oh, I can see that.
You're at Lou.

That's another thing.

What about Lou?

Don't I have a responsibility to him?

No.

You never told me what I should wear,
Danny.

What difference does it make?

If I wear something old, I look
depressed.

If I wear something new, I'm going to
look like I'm trying.

If I wear something in between, I'm
going to look like I'm coping.

Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, the
guy's seen you at your worst.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Thank you.

Ken?

What?

I'm scared.

Don't be scared, Mom.

You're going to be fine.

Okay, and now the company team you've
all been waiting for, Donovan and

When in swinish sleep there drenched
nature's lies in a death, what count you

and I have called upon on God and
Duncan?

Bring forth men, children only.

When we have marked with blood those
sleepy two in his own chamber and used

their very daggers that they have done
it.

Who? is this

supposed to be an effect i'm afraid so
and the leading lady is playing it

strictly for laughs i don't think it's
funny neither do i

i

have done the deed

Didst not thou hear a noise?

I heard the owls scream and the crickets
cry.

What is she doing?

Hiding, maybe.

Come on, Danny. So Sandy got to give
with some of your jokes. Just don't get

upset about it.

Would you just leave me alone?

No, I'm not going to, Danny.

Comedy is a tough business. And if
you're going to make it, you're just

to... There's a difference between being
funny and being silly. Do you know

that? Amateur will lighten up, man.
She's not the one we're mad at, okay?

Danny,

what do you mean by that?

Nothing. She's just upset.

That's all.

Danny, I'm really not clear as to what
you meant there.

Danny?

difference between writing your own
material, bringing it on stage, you're

performing it and actually pretty dopey
and Macbeth. All right there. Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Thanks a lot.

It's been really, really helpful.

That was smooth.

She forced me into, she was just trying
to help you, man. What's wrong with you?

You don't talk like that to somebody you
care about.

I don't need no lectures from you,
darling, all right? Well, you got one

man, so brace yourself.

Ever since Sandy ripped us off, you've
been one stinking, miserable dude.

Yo, thanks.

And you're making everybody around you
miserable, too.

I've been putting up with you and
defending you because I'm your partner.

Man, enough's enough.

Well, why don't you just stop defending
me, then?

Besides that, your attitude's killing
our act.

What's that supposed to mean?

I mean, you're not funny.

I'm not funny?

How would you know, Donald?

It's your timing, man. You're not
getting any laughs. That's all I know.

Well, you're not exactly bringing down
the house yourself, cuz.

Like I said, your timing's off.

Wait a minute.

You're blaming me for the act?

You got some nerve, man. After all this
time, I've been the one carrying you.

You carrying me? Are you crazy? Well,
listen. Look, you don't think I'm funny.

Well, I don't think you're funny, all
right? So the act is history. From now

man, I just perform on my own. Good,
good, good.

And what are you guys looking at?

I

should

have known it was a dangerous car. You
know, I asked the dealer, what were the

options? He said, you can always jump
off a bridge.

special guest in the audience tonight.

You've seen him on the Phil Braverman
show, along with many other TV shows.

So let's give a warm welcome to Mr.
Sandy Webb. Sandy, stand up and take a

Thanks,

Sandy. It's always nice to be recognized
by one's peers.

Folks, you may not realize it, but the
young man on the stage right now is

destined to be one of the biggest stars
that comedy has ever seen.

Aside from being a great performer, Mr.
Danny Amatulo is also a brilliant

writer.

Now, some of you may know that Danny and
I have had some problems recently.

Well, I would like to clear the air once
and for all.

If there is any material in question, I
want you to know it was written

by the gentleman you see on this stage,
Mr. Danny Amatulo.

I guess I owe you an apology.

And I would like to take this
opportunity to apologize publicly.

Danny, I'm truly sorry.

What's he doing up there? Is that a dumb
act?

Hey, Yamatulo.

Look at the jokes already, huh?

Do something. Say something.

You know, I can't say my love life
stinks, but I had to break up with my

girlfriend because she kept pressuring
me to get married to some guy named

Scott.

Sorry, hey, don't laugh. Be tough.

I used to work a little club in the
Bronx called the Black and Blue Room.

If you don't make them laugh, they wait
for you at your car.

Hey, that's a nice bowling shirt.

Could you get your name on your pocket
in case you forget it?

Hey, take it easy, huh? We just came in
here for a couple of laughs.

Then you better go back to bowling.

Yeah, maybe we should.

Hey, would all morons please leave Luz
right now?

You're not funny.

Oh, and you're a critic, right?

Well, get out of here, man. We won't
miss you.

I hope your car runs out of gas.

Well, thank you, everybody, for coming.

I hope you enjoyed the show.

I know I didn't.

Hey.

What's the matter with you, Kate?

What happened up there?

It was a stupid audience.

Hey, Danny, you've had a stupid audience
every night this week.

Hey, Lou, maybe if you get a better
clientele.

Hey, look, what time do I go on
tomorrow?

Tomorrow's all filled.

Tuesday and it's filled?

That's pretty weird.

Danny. What?

Look, I know you're going through
something right now, and until you get

together, all the nights are filled to
you.

What are you trying to say?

You blew it, kid.

I don't want you on my stage.

Hi, my name is Danny Amatulo, and I used
to be funny, not laugh on me.

I walk the streets and disappear.

I talk to you, but you don't seem to
hear.

My heart is strong, yet it don't seem to
feel.

If there's a way, I'll find someday.

I'll use my blood and sweat as pain.

Knowing how it feels to be alive

The

candle burns from end to end

If there's a wall, I'll break it in two.

I'd do anything to make it.

And I'll be happy then.

for several years. Why would you
suddenly want to change to music?

Technically, I'm a drama major, but I've
been emphasizing comedy.

See, Mr. Swarovski, as I'm getting
older, I'm starting to realize that it's

very narrow choice.

I mean, look how few comedians made it.

I mean, whereas music, you know, it's
something you can always fall back on.

Tell me something, Mr. Amatillo.

Do you really love music?

Of course I love music. Mr. Swarovski,
everybody loves music.

I mean, I don't like opera or that
chamber music.

Then again, nobody likes that. I mean,
none of the guys.

Well, except for you, and that's why I
respect you. You know me, I happen to

like rock.

Now, let me get this straight.

Your fallback position from comedian is
rock star?

No, Mr. Sharkey, I don't have to be a
star. I mean, I could be a studio

or something like that.

I see.

You could probably do that.

There's only one thing that worries me.

Running from something instead of to
something.

It can be very dangerous.

Mr. Oskar, what do you mean by that?

I feel you're running away from comedy,
and music just happened to come along

your way.

No, you're wrong.

It's okay.

You could be a good musician.

You think so?

But you would be a great comedian.

When in swinish sleep, the entrenched
nature lies in a death, what can...

you and I perform upon the unguarded
Duncan?

Bring forth men, children only.

When we have Mark with blood, they'll
sleep you two in his own chamber.

And use their very daggers that they
have done it?

Who dares receive it other?

As we shall make our griefs and clamor
roar upon his death.

I don't know about you guys, but her
Lady Macbeth sure is working for me.

How you doing?

See ya, huh?

Yeah.

Danny! Hey!

Wait up a second, will ya? I got nothing
to say to you, man. Hey, whoa, whoa.

I got something to say to you, pal.

You're going to be talking to space.

I caught you acting the other night.

It was pretty bad.

Well, I guess you're just going to have
to steal from somebody else from now on,

huh? No, not really.

I'm pretty particular who I steal from.

Look, kid, you're good.

You're too good to throw it away just
because someone like me ripped you off.

Hey, look, man, I really don't have
anything to say, okay? Don't worry about

I'm not even mad no more.

I know. That's what's troubling me.

All I know is that you took the fun out
of it for me, Sandy.

You know, it don't make any sense being
a comic if people are just going to rip

off your material all the time. I mean,
it's not just you.

Anybody can do it, man.

Look, I'm out of here in a couple of
minutes.

But it's about what you said.

I think you're missing something.

Everybody gets ripped off, especially
the good ones. They don't like it any

than you do.

If they took your attitude, kid, we
wouldn't have any comics left.

Well, I'm off to California.

I got some groveling to do.

I'm going to get down on my hands and
knees and see if I can get Ollie Joe to

take me back.

You see, Danny?

It catches up to you.

You can't really make a career out of
other people's material.

I realized You were the only one

That mattered I was dancing to the music

In the arms of someone new Wishing he
was you

Deep in my heart That's when I realized

how you finally overcame your case of
the giggles?

Well, I was thinking about a friend of
mine who was real hurt, and it made me

sad.

Mom, what are you doing home?

What should I be doing? I live here.

I thought you were going on a dinner
date with Dad.

I changed to lunch. I didn't want him to
get any ideas about this dinner thing.

Well, how'd it go? Oh, great, great. He
didn't get any ideas.

Oh, yeah.

You got one.

What?

When's the divorce?

Hey. Stop crying.

Come on. Stop crying.

Come over here. I brought you something.

I got you a little date.

You don't have to wear it on a date. You
can wear it around the house, okay?

Yeah.

Oh, Danny, that's so sweet.

Is it long enough for me to hang myself?

You're really hurting, huh?

I never thought this would happen.

I've been with your father since I'm 17.

I don't know how to live without him,
Danny.

Well, you've been living without him for
six months, and you're doing great.

Do you realize you actually grilled with
charcoal last week?

Don't make me laugh, Danny. I don't want
to be happy right now.

Six months?

A person can do anything for six months.
I'm going to be alone for the rest of

my life.

For the rest of your life?

Ma, what are you going to be doing?
You're going to be shuffling around in

slippers all day?

You're going to have big curls in your
hair and a big ratty robe? Come on.

Cut it out. You're making me feel
better.

No, then you're going to start muttering
to yourself.

Next thing you know, you're going to
start taking in the cats, right?

Yeah.

That's all I need. That and a goldfish.

You know what's worse than that?

Then you're going to start watching all
those game shows and eating soup out of

a can. You're going to get real fat.

Do you want to know something?

I'll be right there with you, Mom.

You'll be the most depressing mother and
son who ever lived.

Danny, you got such a way.

You can make people laugh at a funeral.

Get up.

This is embarrassing.

What are these people going to think?

That I'm looking for my contact lens.

And that I want to apologize to my
partner for being a real idiot.

I'm not going to argue with that, but
you don't have to get on your knees to

it.

Isn't that the way we worked it out in
our routine?

That's your kid.

Don't I know him.

Where's your mother when I need her?

Mothers? Speaking of mothers, you know,
my father just asked my mother for a

divorce. Ooh, that must be pretty rough.

She's replacing him with a cat.