Original subtitles

Hey, hey!

Hold on, what in the hell is going on here?

Now, don't you think having one of the original headliners in a benefit would

a big draw for the show?

Oh, I suppose it would.

I'd give up a pallet. Ain't nothing but a lean -to.

If I were to begin.

You leave us be.

We ain't got nothing. You got a flame, boy.

It can warm you or it can burn you alive.

You gotta be very careful with it.

Let's see some big ones.

You took a cab to school this morning. Girl, that's ridiculous.

Come on. That's better. That's better. Save this old beautiful theater.

No, no, David. I didn't say it was a bad idea. I just said I don't think we have

time to do it. If we split it, it's no big deal. I'll do all the organizing.

whip up a few dance numbers. Whip up a few dances? Honey, what do you think I

am, the Gallop and Gourmet? Lydia, there are people putting on benefit shows all

over town to raise money to renovate the old theater. We are in a theater school

and doing zip. How do you think that looks?

Well, maybe you're right.

But you do all the organizing. I mean the whole thing. The whole thing.

Understood? You're on. I'm on, honey, and I'm gone. Long gone.

Morning, Jason.

Did you love the subway this morning?

It can look pretty once a yearbook picture's taken again.

Hey, hey!

Hold on. What in the hell is going on here? Hold it. Hold it.

It happened last night.

I was walking down the street, peaceful as you please, and I was mugged out in

front of this place here by a motorcycle gang. They dragged me in here, took all

my money, and put me in these ragged -ass clothes, and tossed me into... That

man was sleeping in the storage cabinet in my room.

Scared me out of a year's growth.

Don't. Oh, wait a minute. Let's just take this from the top again.

I was walking down the street. Excuse me. I walk into the room and I hear this

ungodly snoring. I open the door and he comes barreling out. Was anything taken?

I told you they stole my wallet.

I'm not talking to you, Mr. Getty. I'm talking to the lady here.

I don't know. I didn't have time to look.

Big hands on 12, little hands on 8. Let's see some movement, people.

We'll go down and check out your room, make sure everything's all right. You

stay with Daddy Warbucks here until I get back.

Disperse!

Right behind you, Michelle.

Well.

Mister, please don't throw me down those stairs.

What? I got a bad hip. I can't be thrown down no marble stairs.

I'm not going to throw you down. I appreciate your consideration, sir. I

you'd reconsider throwing me out the door in that snow.

There's no snow outside.

I wish there was.

It'd be easy on these old bones that land on that hard, fat wall.

Look.

I don't shove people outdoors or throw them down the sidewalk.

Thank the Lord.

A liberal.

Mr. Reardon, get him out of here. Nothing was taken.

See there, I told you I didn't take nothing.

You know that motorcycle gang?

Stole every penny you had. Gospel.

Look, if I was to give you some money...

What guarantee would I have? You wouldn't be spending it on some wine

people wouldn't pour into a radiator.

You have my word.

You know, I got something better than that.

What are you talking about?

Thanks, young man.

Must be good.

You better believe it.

Imagine something.

How come you're doing this for me?

Well, frankly, I'd like you to believe it's because I'm a wonderfully giving

human being.

Why are you doing this for me?

Because I need to know how that motorcycle gang got into our school.

So I can make sure the door or window or whatever it is, it's fixed.

Yeah, because you don't want that gang back in here because they're a mean

bunch. Now, I'll tell you what. Out back, there's a dumpster. It's right up

under the fire escape.

Stand on the edge of the dumpster and you get on the fire escape.

The window on the third floor, the latch is broke.

Fix the window or move the dumpster. Either one.

I got a class in five minutes. All right, I'm right with you.

Look, I'm sorry for the way things went down earlier, but I hope you learned a

lesson. I sure did. If you ever get out of school, don't ever go back.

And you watch out for those bad old motorcycle games, all right?

I sure will.

Same lesson, Buck.

Could you spare a few bills? I'd appreciate it.

I figured we'd get around to that.

Hang up.

One.

Uh,

three. A few is three. Put one back.

And eat with it. Don't drink it.

I'm gonna buy some food.

Thank you, brother.

Hey, that looks good.

Hey, what's that?

What's your dance class?

And maybe we ought to get you in there.

Yeah, you know it.

That's some new stuff they're doing. Look at them move.

I wouldn't.

I'll see you around.

Hey, Dylan.

You guys, I want to introduce you to my friend Tony Richards.

He's trying to get him into the school.

Hi. You know how to land?

How you doing?

And this is Schwartz.

Stars. Hi.

Come on, Tony, man, I'll show you a way to hide from the whole minus.

All right.

Nice meeting you guys.

Yeah, you too.

Did you see the most gorgeous creature that just walked in

and out of my life all in the most beautiful ten seconds?

Danny's not that hot.

Not the frog, the print.

Oh, it is perfect.

Come on, Schwartz. There's nothing to rave about.

Nothing to rave about. You show me one thing better in the last 12 issues of

Playgirl.

Leroy, open that lock.

You act like it's something bad in here. Boy, take your mouth out and open that

lock.

I had seen him before this morning.

Wait, why? Who is this?

Oh, that's my Uncle Eddie.

Well, actually, he's not my real uncle, but he was so close to my family, we

used to treat... What do you mean, before this morning?

You couldn't have seen him before this morning. I mean, he's been dead for

three years.

Leroy, a man snuck into Sherwood's room last night, and Mr. Reardon and Mr.

Morlock dealt with him and sent him packing.

I'm swearing to you that that's him.

Right there.

Hey, Harlan!

Harlan!

Harlan!

Hey, Harlan!

Harlan! I'm here, Eddie.

I got lucky, Harlan.

Isn't it? Oh.

Eyes on pink.

Pleasant dreams for you and me tonight, John.

Where'd you get all this stuff, huh?

I met some folks who, uh, well, they felt real sorry for me.

Well, it was just one.

He gave me some money.

Though he did say, uh, I shouldn't spend it on anything to drink.

So, here's a bite of wine.

Leave us be.

We ain't got nothing.

You got nothing else to do than pick on two old pods like me and Holland?

You take one more step, boy, and I'll carve two new nostrils in you.

Eddie.

Uncle Eddie.

It's me, Leroy.

Ain't no Eddie.

How'd you find me, boy?

Well, there was a matchbook in the place where you slept from a liquor store.

I came down here and asked a lot of people a couple of questions.

They told me where I might find you. Seemed like they knew you pretty well,

Should I go, Eddie?

Eat your cheese nibblets and save me some.

Are you changed in three years?

Not as much as you have.

See, I had to act with his uncle.

Giving me Macon and Johnson.

Played all those great black resorts all over the land.

Till my partner up and died.

Well, that was a long time ago. I mean, you haven't done nothing since then?

Oh, I've been drifting around.

Different clubs, different cities.

That's when I found out just how great we really were.

What do you mean?

They may have buried him.

But to the audiences out there, we both died.

So you haven't performed since then?

Always.

Do a little singing.

A little dancing.

But nobody wants to see that.

Except Holland.

Hey, what if they did?

What if who did what?

What if people still wanted to see you perform, would you?

No, Leroy.

I'm happy doing what I'm doing.

But you ain't doing nothing.

I still have to.

Come on, Eddie. Why don't you let me take you back to the school and you can

in one of my shows?

No, Leroy.

Now, seeing you has been nice.

But now that's enough.

Well, it ain't enough for me. We're supposed to be like family.

No, Leroy.

I'm history.

Now, this is my home.

And I'm inviting you to leave.

You hear, friend of yours?

You chums.

Yeah, well, you got a jerk for a chum.

You could have argued a little more, Harlan.

Could have?

Well, maybe it throws away family.

Can't do all that, right?

No?

Christie, hi.

Nothing wrong, is there?

Oh, good.

Had me worried for a minute.

No, no, everything's great here.

Main course will be ready in about 15 minutes.

Very expensive bottle of French wine being uncorked as we speak.

Only thing missing is you.

Dessert. Oh, no, I forgot.

Oh, you bring it.

That's my dessert.

Second. I love it when you talk to me.

Hello again.

Uh, Christy, I'll call you back.

Christy, honey, it's just bad timing.

Well, I wish you'd at least try to understand.

Well, do you think I'm enjoying this any more than you are? I slave over a hot

stove cooking your dinner. I clean my apartment. Hello?

Hello?

Got any ketchup?

You don't use ketchup with veal.

Oh? Is that what this is?

About time. I called nearly an hour ago.

What are you doing here? How did you know where Mr. Redden lived?

Because he lifted my wallet while I was graciously giving him some breakfast.

I brought it back and there's nothing missing. That's because there was

in it but a driver's license and an equity card. It's huge because he is.

Macon, that's him.

A living legend, as if he called his living. How come you're here?

Leroy, I thought about that idea you told me, and I kind of like it.

What idea?

So you're going to do it. Going to do what?

The show.

What show?

It's about time.

All right, Eddie, that's all right. Excuse me?

What show?

Mr. Ritten, I have this idea. See, Eddie used to perform with the overriding

arts theater uptown.

Used to headline there.

Now, don't you think having one of the original headliners in a benefit would

a big draw for the show?

No, I suppose it would.

All right. See, the idea's great, even if I do say something like that. You're

right, you're right. It sounds like a nice idea, but it's not gonna happen.

too off the wall for Moorlach to approve. You know that, Leroy.

Oh, come on, Mr. Redden. I know this thing didn't come down in a normal way,

it's all laid out and it's all the truth.

Not exactly everything, Leroy.

I did leave out one... one little detail that had something to do with me

changing my mind.

This is not a comeback.

It's more of a bowing out.

You see, I'm going to that final curtain.

Going to see that big stage manager in the sky.

Eddie, you want to hold off on that heartbreaking tale for a while? I got no

Montevani album over there and it'd be a whole lot more effective with that

going. Don't believe me, huh?

Would you believe you if you were me?

No, it don't matter.

Come on, Leroy, let's go to this part and get this girl back.

Just like Eddie's heading for now and I couldn't do nothing to stop it.

This time I can. All I need is your help.

All right.

All right.

Bring him to rehearsal with you tomorrow morning. I'll talk to Morlock, see what

I can work out.

Hi.

Want to talk about it? No.

What's it like?

What?

Being the perfect woman.

It's a crashing board, dear heart. Perfection has it.

I'm serious.

I mean, what's it like to be the answer to all guys' dreams?

To have them think of you as a woman instead of a fun buddy.

I know I'm never going to have what it is that girls have that guys go nuts

I mean, just once.

I'd like to feel what it's like to have it.

Tony, isn't it?

Hasn't been paying much attention to you, huh? Yeah, around every other girl,

it's like Mount St. Helens is a command.

But me?

Zip.

Zilch.

Nada.

Come on, Schwartz.

When I get through with you, your own mother won't even have to die.

Holly, that one boy got reconstructed surgically.

Here. I keep this with you at all times. It's just a form giving you permission

to be here, okay?

I still don't believe how you pulled this one off.

Now, this means I won't get thrown out, right? Oh, I'm the only one you have to

worry about now.

And by the way, you've been dragging those feet, baby. I can see we're going

have ourselves a ball.

I hope you're ready to come in here and sweat off some of that cheap wine you

had for breakfast this morning.

Speaking of which, number one rule.

No drinking on school property.

Come on, honey. You ready to get started?

Just a moment. I'd like to have a word with Mr. Reardon, please.

All right, but don't be too long, Neil.

I can see every minute's going to count on this one.

Here,

what is it?

Since I'm going to be performing, yeah.

I'm going to need a few things, you know, like some shoes and some easy

clothes, you know, stuff like that. You don't have any money?

No, I get a government check every month. I'll pay you back. I got my word

that. How much do you need?

Just enough for some used stuff. Eddie, how much? Say 50?

Say 20.

It's just a loan now. It's strictly business. All right, all right. A loan.

I expect to get this back. That's a way long way, huh?

All of it. 20 bucks is a lot to a teacher.

After a while, don't you appreciate it, my man?

You know, I wish we had some music.

Well, I got an idea. How would you like a real live piano backing you up?

Hey, like in the old days.

Yeah.

I got a friend that works in the coffee house. He'll help us out.

Why don't you give him a call?

You're in charge now.

You're right, I am in charge.

You better remember that.

Don't knuckleball me, boy.

Just play it straight.

Yeah, well, don't be running no games on people here. Or lying on them, because

I'm going to be the one that catches the heat.

Like how?

Like telling Mr. Redden you're about to die.

Final curtain call and all that garbage.

Yeah, well... Lying gets to be habit -forming after a while.

I'll watch it.

Good. I'm going to call Bruno. I'll be back in a second.

Good evening, ladies and germs.

A funny thing happened.

The way to my funeral.

Help me, Lord.

Help me.

That's it, boy. You getting it?

Man, how long have you had this chart? Some of these changes are older than

Scott Joplin.

It gets better with age.

Like fine wine.

Oh, the man's had experience with wine, believe me.

Yeah, well, look, I'm not knocking it. It's just that there's stuff here I

haven't used in years.

Said the bishop to the lady.

I'm going to get me some coffee. You guys work this out.

Ain't he something?

Isn't she something?

Who's that girl over there with her?

God, he beat me up. That's Doris.

Doris, where'd you get those clothes?

Those are not your clothes. I borrowed yours. Yours are as bad as mine.

I mean, you look incredible.

I wish you didn't sound so much like Kathy Lee Crosby.

Seriously? Where'd you get the clothes?

Last night.

I just wished real hard.

And poof!

This morning, there they were, shimmering in the sunlight, hanging from

closet door.

I don't believe you.

This is not Mike Wallace we're talking to.

Michelle?

Michelle, they're Holly.

They are?

Oh, my suit. At least the other way I had a chance of getting some, too.

Doris, why are you doing this? Why is she doing this?

Do the words, um, Tony Richards mean anything to you?

Ladies and gentlemen.

Later.

In keeping with its never -ending search for talent and diversity, Caruso's is

proud to be part of...

The reuniting of two great performing names, Macon and Johnson.

Good evening, ladies, and what

came with you?

We're Macon and Johnson. That's our names. We hope you know yours.

I know you've seen a lot of performers come out and say, funny thing happened

me on my way to work tonight.

Well, I've been in show business 45 years and nothing funny has happened to

on my way to work.

Until tonight.

I saw a cross -eyed man tell a bow -legged woman to go straight home.

I was telling Leroy, you know, it's so sad. Young people today don't have great

heroes to look up to like they did in my day.

Whatever happened to the heroes who glorified the movie theme?

The Bogarts, the Gables, the Cagnans, and Fairbanks who glazed across the

screen?

Where are the dudes who saved the damsels in distress?

The chief men, the pirates, the captains and cowboys who brave the prey and save

the day. Back when a guy had pizzazzed like Basil Rathbone or the swashbuckling

charm of Earl Flynn.

Oh, gone are the guys we used to play high spy with. Now who's the guy

to identify with?

Where have all the movie heroes gone?

You mean like Cagney.

Huge, heady rat. Huge, heady rat.

Bogart.

All you got to do is fuck up your lips and blow, sweetheart.

Bojangles.

If the thing is copacetic.

Edward G. Robinson.

I'm the big shot around here, you understand?

That's me, the little sea shot.

George Wayne.

When I say kill a brick, I mean kill a brick.

And Rochester.

Mr. Benny, I'm calling you.

Mr. Benny, I've walked a million miles for one of your smiles.

Mr. Benny!

Mr.

Benny! Now we never analyze or criticize them. Every Saturday afternoon

we test idolize them.

Where have all the movie heroes gone?

I mean, look at who you got nowadays.

Superman's a cartoon and Kermit's a frog.

E .T.'s an alien and Benji's a dog.

Oh, where?

Where did they go?

Where's W .C. Phil now that we need him so?

Where have...

Thanks a lot for your help, man. Isn't he terrific?

You're welcome for the help, and I don't ever want to see that guy in here

again. What are you talking about?

Look, man, Caruso took me in off the streets, damn it. I'm not going to repay

him by getting him busted for serving liquor in here without a license.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, well, take a sip of your friend's coffee and then tell me you don't know

what I'm talking about.

Damn.

I never thought he'd really pull through this one.

You've got to give Leroy credit.

He's worked his buns off.

I think he's worked out a little bit more than that.

Come on, I'll walk you out.

Then why you stop?

I got to have myself a drink, boy.

What? Some water.

I'll be right back.

Now, Leroy, I don't remember seeing no liquor stores out there in the hall.

I guess I can trust you for two minutes. Sure you can.

Actually, it's as much my fault as it is anyone else's.

I don't quite see how this is your fault.

Because I let Leroy talk me into the possibility of putting the Teddy Macon

back together again.

I mean, it all sounds very fine and noble, but after a certain age, I know

not every lovable wino you meet has a heart of gold.

Mr. Johnson needs some kind of a hero to look up to. I think that Teddy Macon

will not be that person.

But they were rehearsing together last night.

Wouldn't Leroy have heard him break the window?

Well, chances are he didn't break it while he was here with Leroy.

They left together and then he snuck back in.

How did he sneak back in? Did we have that window latch fixed?

Well, yeah, I was supposed to take care of that.

Oh, boy.

Morning, all.

Well, it's about time.

Whose idea was this?

Whose idea was what?

moving the renovation funds out of here and into the office. You know, keeping

them here was just asking for it. It was Mr. Reardon's idea.

Well, good work, Reardon.

You're on some kind of a roll, aren't you?

I don't quite understand.

Well, first the idea of putting that old timer into the variety art show, and

now this?

You're cooking on all burners, aren't you?

Cooking? Right.

Say, uh, how much money have we collected so far?

Oh, about $200, something like that.

I love good news first thing in the morning.

Sort of sets a tone for the whole day.

I dropped my compact.

Cracked the mirror.

Sorry.

I could have sworn I got all the pieces.

May I ask, how are you going to break the news of the robbery to him,

now that the funds are supposed to be on a lock and key in the office?

You can ask.

Unfortunately, I can't answer.

How much longer do we have to keep this stuff on? I've got study call next

period. It's not all you've got next period.

He's meeting you in the library.

He who?

What, Tony?

He was talking to Michelle and, how should we say, expressed an interest in

meeting you. He already met me.

When you were a schlepper. Not a femme fatale.

From you?

Schlepper?

Don't laugh. Don't laugh. That stuff's got to take.

Have we used this one before?

Nope. This is a knockout punch.

This stuff is great. Here's what it's got in it.

Coconut oil.

Apricot and papaya enzymes.

Holly. Oil of clove, glycerin, aloe vera. Holly.

Holly.

Light of my life.

Sunshine of my existence.

Friend to those who have no friends.

I am violently allergic to papaya.

Who?

Oh, honey, that's just life. Sometimes people come up short.

It doesn't seem like sometimes. It seems like most of the times.

Well, but you can't stop hoping and trusting, Leroy.

Who says?

Leroy, if you stop hoping and trusting, you can't communicate with people.

And you know what sets you apart from all the other dancers?

It's your ability to communicate that joy to the audience.

Now, if you lose that, then you're just going to be another technician. There's

a whole bunch of them out here.

Grant, I know you mean well, but it's not working.

I mean, you gotta replace another number in the show.

That's a lot of work for you. Don't waste your time talking to me. I'll be

You sure?

No.

Let's get into places, please, for the third number.

All right, come on.

We did it this time.

Did what?

Screwed up.

Hey, Doris.

How you doing?

Wow, are you sick?

No, I'm not sick.

Your face is all red and blotchy.

Oh, my eyes are red and watery. It's a coordinated look.

Hey, don't get mad at me because of the way you look.

You want to get treated nice, you got to look nice.

You know, people judge you by the way you look.

Tony, it's just a temporary condition. It'll go away.

Yeah, well, uh, maybe I'll see you at the show tonight.

Ciao.

That's exactly what I feel like.

Ciao.

Talk it up to experience here, Roy. That's all you can do.

Good thing you're not a preacher. You couldn't talk a drowning man into

his breath.

Amen, Lord Leroy, son.

Harlan?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Amen, Leroy.

I'm looking for Reddy.

Well, where is he?

Well, he's not around here, that's for sure.

But he left about six this morning.

Said he didn't want to be late for rehearsals.

Besides, I got the stuff for him.

That's a painkiller.

It's a real bad right now.

You should hear the sounds he makes when he's trying to sleep.

It'll just break your heart.

He was telling the truth.

Damn.

Um, Mr. Harlan. Just call me Harlan.

Where did you get the money to buy these painkillers?

Look, he told me about the fishbowl of mine.

And he was hurting so bad, he could hardly talk.

And he's my chum.

And when a man's chum is being eaten up alive from the inside,

one's got to do what has to be done.

making the only chum I got in this world.

And I ain't sorry for one damn thing I done to help them.

The purpose of the rules of grammar is to make communication more precise and

therefore more efficient.

I know it seems stuffy to you, but it's the most valuable... Yes?

I didn't miss rehearsal, did I?

How you doing, Eddie?

Leroy, me finding you here in this school was no accident.

I came here looking for you.

How come?

To let you see me, what I am.

To let you know to love me, but not to be me.

Not to end up like this.

You got a flame, boy.

It can warm you, or it can burn you alive.

You got to be very careful with it.

I will, Uncle Letty.

I will.

Hey, are Macon and Johnson ready yet?

Ready as we'll ever be.

Let's go get them tagged.

When are you going to tell it?

Not going to.

I took $200 out of my savings account.

That's very generous of you.

Dwight told me they'd only collected 130.

It's

only

a shanty In old shantytown The

roof is so slanty

It touches the ground.

But my tumbledown shack by an old railroad track

like a millionaire's mansion is calling

me back.

I'd give up a palace if I were a king.

Get more than a palace.

It's my everything.

There's a queen waiting there with a silvery crown

in a shanty in old shantytown. You

know it's only a shanty in old

shantytown.

The roof is so slanty.

Touching the ground Caught my tumble down shy By an

old railroad track Like a million nails in my jaw Calling

me back I'd give up a palace

If I were a king Say it's more, it's more than a

palace Baby, it's not

There's a queen waiting there With a silvery crown

In a shanty In a shanty town

Give up a palace. Ain't nothing but a thing to.

If I were a king. He'd love to be king.

Why, it's more than a palace. There is my everything.

My everything. There's a queen waiting there.

With a silvery crown.

In a shanty.

In old Shantytown.

Shantytown. In a shanty.

Weekly Variety, March 19th.

Word has reached this office of the death of old -time vaudeville great

Macon.

Macon has been in retirement in recent years, though he did star in last

benefit to raise funds to renovate the Variety Arts Theater, where he had

headlined many times in the past.

Mr. Macon is survived by his nephew, Leroy Johnson.

Mr. Johnson is also in the entertainment industry