Original subtitles

So how about it? We're all together or not?

We're off!

We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. We hear he is a

a wizard, ever a wizard was.

Follow the rainbow over the stream, follow the fellow who follows the dream.

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the little big bro.

Follow the dream that you dare.

I'll teach that little snip about being in any show while I...

The opening portion of tonight's episode will be brought to you in black and

white.

Darlene is singing your number because you're out of the review.

Why?

That's not fair.

It's quite fair. And the reason is that you haven't turned in a midterm essay.

I did so.

Doris, I don't have it on file. And if I don't have it, I can't give you credit.

Period.

Miss Grant.

Doris, you know I'd like to help you, but I can't. I simply can't.

Mr. Sharofsky, can't you do something?

Sorry, Cokie.

Miss Sherwood, come on. Don't be such a witch.

What? Okay, people, that was very good. Let's go. Everybody, let's go.

Elizabeth, come on, honey. Let's go have a cup of coffee.

Darling,

let's come on out of here. You too, sweetheart.

Oh, Doris.

I'll do what I can. This is a toughie, child.

We're going to have to work miracles on this one.

Hey, Doris. Another reason why I'm singing your song, it's because I got a

better voice than you do.

I want to thank you guys for all

your help.

What do you expect me to do, go up against Sherwood? No way.

I mean, Sherwood gets mad, gets to using all those big words. I can't deal with

it. I don't understand it. Forget it.

Lady's got a temper, man. When she gets attacked off, I just head the other way.

Next witness.

Hey, your essay didn't come in. On top of that, you were late for rehearsal.

Pardon me, but I can't get all broken up about that.

You know, Bruno, sometimes you're just plain heartless.

Ow! Whoa, that scared me.

Hey, where'd you get that?

It's my aunt's.

It's staying with us for a week. I couldn't bear to leave it home alone.

Ow! What's his name?

Toto. Like, uh, in The Wizard of Oz?

Don't blame me. I didn't name the dog.

Ow! Ow! Come on.

Come on, Toto. Come on. Come on, Toto. Hey, no, wait. Wait, wait. Come on.

her. Use some brains.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Still, it catches me with a dog in school. I'm dead!

Oh,

Doris!

Out of the show, Doris.

It's gonna take a miracle, Doris.

Out of the shed.

It's gonna take a miracle.

I don't think we're in the school of the arts anymore.

Ah, sweetie, how you doing? New in town?

Who are you?

I'm the good witch.

I can't be a witch.

Witches are ugly.

You're beautiful.

Oh, sweetie pie, I like you.

Come on out.

Come on out now, don't be afraid.

It's just Dora Schwartz and she's our friend.

How did you know my name?

So I told you I'm a witch.

These are the punchkins.

Come and give hello.

Go on, don't be afraid.

Say hello to Doris.

Sorry, they've been watching just too much Magnum P .I.

Let the joyous news be spread!

The Wicked Witch at last is dead!

Wicked Witch. Ding dong, the Wicked Witch is dead.

Wake up, you sleepyhead. Rub your eyes, get out of bed. Wake up, the Wicked

Witch is dead.

That's the Wicked Witch of the East.

The one over there beating her gums is her sister, the Wicked Witch of the

Who did this to my sister?

You! You're new here. Did you have anything to do with this?

I don't think so.

Then why are you here? What do you want? I want to be in the show.

You want to be in a show?

Oh, no. My pretty.

Not if I have anything to say about it. You'll be in no show ever once I get my

hands on these magic shoes.

Give those back!

As long as she wears those shoes, she's under my protection.

You'll be in no show ever over my dead...

Somebody get me a glass of water.

Not water.

I'm not having anything to do with water. I hate water.

Do you hear me?

time you were on your way.

Where to?

Well, you said you wanted to be in a show, and there's only one person who

help you there.

Who? The Wizard of Swarovski. The Wizard of Swarovski? Yes, we call him Oz for

short, and he lives in the kingdom of auditoriums.

How do I get there?

Honey, just follow your toes.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road?

Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.

Follow the rainbow over the stream. Follow the fellow who follows your

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.

Follow the rainbow over the stream. Follow the fellow who follows your

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Got it.

Follow the yellow brick road.

You bet.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Hey, she's here. Come on, wake up. Get

up.

Doesn't seem right to fall asleep inside someone else's dream.

It's like wearing your underwear on the outside.

What does that mean?

How should I know? I'm the dumb one, remember?

Hey!

Does it always have to be so loud?

This isn't the way I'm supposed to meet you. First I meet the scarecrow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the team man. And then the lion.

And you're right. I mean, everybody knows that. But how... How could you

the opportunity of going off to see the wizard with you? We figured we'd wait

here for you and cut out the middleman.

Hey, that's pretty smart.

Brains I got. Short one heart. I got no guts. Oh, I beg your pardon.

Courage. So how about it?

We're off together or not?

We're off.

We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. We hear he is

See the winner, the wonderful Wizard of Oz. Here he is, the Wizard of Oz.

If ever a wizard was, if ever, oh, ever a wizard was, the Wizard of Oz was one

because he was.

Well, anything?

It's starting to come in.

You shouldn't smoke. It's bad for you.

I'm a witch.

I'm supposed to do things that are bad.

I'm getting something now.

Enough, Melocello.

I need to concentrate.

If you're always so obedient, you may someday win your freedom.

Oh, it's been 800 years I've been your prisoner.

Amazing how time flies when you're having fun.

Quiet! Now.

Now, perhaps a field of poison poppies for the dear thing.

It looked too dark down there.

Maybe we ought to stop.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

Smart.

Just like Cosell.

Hey, uh, we shouldn't go down there. No way.

You can turn back if you want to.

I want to.

Come on, you guys!

We're in this thing together, and we've got to see it through. It's our destiny,

and we can't fight it.

You for some brains, and you for...

And you for a song.

And me for a song.

Hey, take a look.

Hey, it's plenty light down there. That's where I'm going.

But that's not the way the yellow brick road goes. You're supposed to... Hey,

it's beautiful in here.

I'm telling you, you should see how pretty.

I like pretty things.

Maybe something pretty would make me feel more...

When you're right, you're right.

It's really gorgeous in here.

Didn't I tell you it was fantastic?

It smells so good in here.

What's that smell?

Puppies, you dear dimwit.

My favorite golden oldie.

Poison puppies.

I'm getting sleepy.

I think I'm going to take a little nap.

That sounds good.

Just for a little while, though.

without getting some rest.

No. No, you can't.

Don't do it. Fight it. It's something the evil witch has planned for us.

What is a good witch when you need one?

Keep a civil tongue in your head. I'm coming.

The name's Doris.

Told you I was dumb.

Come on. Yeah, come on.

What place is this?

Chicken. Hamburgers.

Yummy candy bars.

Hot butter popcorn.

Don't do that.

We're in fast food jungle.

It's the Wicked Witch's way of getting us to forget about the Yellow Brick

Don't touch any of this.

It's all bad for you.

How bad could it be?

Put that down!

Not too loud.

I think that might take us back to the Yellow Brick Road.

Ethan Burgess.

And fries.

Oh, my.

Cheeses, burgers, and fries.

Oh, my.

Cheeses and burgers and fries.

Oh, my.

Cheeses and burgers and fries. Oh, my.

Watch out.

Did you see me hit him? Did you see me hit him? You missed the character. I hit

him. I protected him. You missed the character. You too. I got him.

I don't know how to read, but if I did, I bet I'd know what that said.

Holy neon.

Hey, there it is.

Fell out of order.

Don't knock the door.

Don't knock the door.

Why, that's a great door.

I've seen good doors in my time, but that door is a lot more going forward

than... Thank you for not knocking the door.

Tell me how I can help you.

We want to see the Wizard of Swarovski. Oh, that's me, that's me.

You're too young to be the Wizard.

Tell me what I can do for you.

Speak up, speak up. I'm a little hard of hearing.

Happens with age, you know.

Not even close.

Really? When you can't fool a scarecrow, you're really coming up short.

You need an appointment to see the wizard.

When's his first opening?

Now. We'll take it.

Didn't you tell me once that your cello had powers?

Any creature, furs, feather or flesh, cannot help but respond.

Doesn't do a thing for fish.

That's it then.

That's how I'll get them away from the wizard. I'll teach that little snip

being in any show while I'm alive.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Never interrupt the wizard while he's playing.

Never interrupt the wizard while he's playing.

Especially not the wizard of Swarovski.

Anybody got some change?

I've got two quarters, a 50 -cent piece, and a video arcade token.

Hold it.

If you're a wizard, how come I gotta give you money?

I said I was a wizard.

I didn't say I was rich.

Wizards got problems, too, you know.

Besides, you interrupted me.

Don't they teach you young people anything?

Never interrupt a wizard while he's playing.

If you're a wizard, how come you got a fake play in this thing?

I thought you could do miracles.

I can.

Well?

It's easy to put it a token.

Doing miracles takes a lot out of a guy.

But you do do miracles.

Most. Some I don't. Too hard.

Which ones don't you do?

Can't teach a sailor how to tell a clean joke.

Can't teach a politician how to listen.

And I can't stop Paul Anka from singing My Way.

What about courage? Do you have any of that to give out?

These guys with you?

Well, they're my friends.

We, all of us, need a miracle from you.

Did we advertise a sale?

Uh, great word of mouth.

Okay.

What is it you guys want me to do?

Do you still want the quarter?

Doesn't take an American Express cookie.

You want to see some magic, kid?

Watch this stuff.

The Wizard of Swarovski asked a question.

What is it you want me to do?

You, front and center.

I'd be scratching while my thoughts were busy hatchet if I only had a brain.

When a man's an empty kettle, he should be on his metal, and yet I'm torn apart.

Just because I'm presuming that I could be kind of human if I only had a heart.

I'm afraid there's no denying, I'm just a dandelion, a fate I don't deserve.

But I can show my prowess, be a lion, not a mouse, if I only had a knife.

Oh, I'd be in my stride, a king down to the...

emotion, jealousy, devotion, and really feel the part.

I'd be brave as a blizzard. I'd be gentle as a lizard. I'd be clever as a

gibbon. If the wizard is

Guess we kind of got to you, huh?

No, but I think I'm allergic to that dog out there.

Will you still help us?

Not sure yet. There's one more person to be heard from.

Mine's easy.

I just want to be in the show.

Why?

Beg pardon?

I need to know more than what you want.

I need to know why you want it. Your three friends have told me. You haven't.

Not yet.

Well, everybody likes to be in a show.

Not me.

How about you?

Well, no, no, not me either.

So, Cookie, the question is still on the floor.

Why do you want to be in the show?

Well... Why are you hitting me? Because you ask too many questions.

Yes, but why are you... Never mind. I didn't say a word.

Be careful with that cello.

Don't scratch it.

How can you scratch something that you can't even see?

Ever have a mosquito bite between your shoulder blades?

Yes. Did you scratch it? Yes. Did you see it?

No.

Talk about your smart witches.

Hurry! Hurry!

Hurry! Hurry!

The longer they're with the wizard, the tougher my job is going to be.

Hurry! Hurry!

And then I come downstage.

And all the lights dim.

Except for the follow spot in the booth.

Then I sit on the edge of the stage.

My feet dangling over the apron.

It's kind of waif -like, you know?

And I talk informally with the audience.

And if I'm perspiring a lot, it looks even better.

Because it looks like I've been working real hard.

And then the musical intro starts.

Well, go ahead.

Play.

What are you waiting for?

I can't.

Can't?

Why not?

I have no chair.

I can't play the cello standing up.

I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. If it's not back here in five seconds, you'll

spend the rest of your days as a front ward.

And then I stand up.

The lights come up.

I take my vows.

And I blow kisses to the audience.

And it's just a really great feeling.

And that's why I want to be in the show.

No.

What? No. The answer's no. I'm sorry.

But the good witch said you could perform miracles.

I can.

But I don't always choose to.

Do whatever he wants.

He's a wizard.

You at least have to tell me why you owe me that.

What I owe you is a quarter.

Get it from him.

Did you hear what he said?

He's not going to help us.

No, no, no. What he said was he's not going to help you.

Those other three are going to make out like bandits.

Can't play the cello in that kind of chair.

Oh, darkened shadows, now we report to deepest magic. We must

resort to turn this nibbling little sort into a most... Watch your back! Coming

through!

Who do you wish for me to call?

Cookie, stop!

Out!

Out!

You

will

now take off the shoes.

I will not! The good witch gave me these and... You will take them off!

We will take them off.

You and what army?

These soldiers are the most vicious, sadistic, and cruel creatures you can

possibly imagine.

No act is too loathsome, no crime too unspeakable.

My kind of people.

You have ten seconds to decide whether or not I give them their Christmas

You.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Nobody's watching. Now's a good time to make a run for it. You really think so?

Yeah. Down the corridor, hang a left. The wizard's waiting for you.

Four, three, two, one.

Do with her what you will.

Don't you try it. Don't you try it. You're messing with the master swordsman

the kingdom.

My sword is so fast.

How fast is it? My sword is so fast, I can cut classes you won't even know I'm

gone.

always very tidy.

We're free from her at last.

You're done good.

To those who say you have no heart.

I hereby order them to take note of the care and concern you gave to your friend

Doris. And I direct them to pay heed to this medal.

A golden heart with cardiac clusters.

Herein rests a brain that was bright enough to help a captive attain freedom.

And freedom is where any brain functions best.

Not everyone is smart enough to know that. Congratulations.

For courage that helped save a

friend.

For bravery that will be badly needed unless your material improves.

An official hero medal.

Cookie, I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but... Doris,

you don't need anyone's help for what you want.

But I do.

No, you don't.

What did you want, Doris?

Well, what I wanted was for me.

That good feeling of being in the spotlight.

Center of attention.

And what your friends wanted wasn't just for themselves.

And they got their wishes because they worked real hard at helping other

What people can you help, Doris?

The audience.

Instead of doing it just for me, I can sing for them and take them with me and

all my good feelings.

You've always had the power, Doris, to take those people with you to someplace

magical, someplace far away.

you did

Click your heels together three times.

Close your eyes.

Open your mouth.

Say what?

I say, open your mouth.

Open wider.

Open wider now.

Wider.

There, that's better.

Right on the button. 98 .6.

I think she's going to be okay.

Mrs. Burke.

Mr. Reardon.

Mr. Sharofsky.

Mr. Sherwood.

Doris, are you all right?

I'm okay.

The janitor found your term paper.

It had fallen behind a filing cabinet.

Well, you weren't too tough on me.

Really. You know, I had to learn to do it for others, not just for myself.

That's what you were trying to teach me. I know that now.

Miss Grant, you helped me so much.

And you're so caring.

And you're so smart.