Original subtitles

The board is going to fire Mrs. Berg.

Who's going to run the office? The computer.

You know how to operate one of those things well enough for us to put

really special together?

We could blow them away.

If we are forced to notify the police and they're fine to took these things,

charge will be a very serious one. Look, this isn't fun and games anymore.

To get the cops into this, we're talking reform school or worse.

Leroy, your thing's worth thousands of dollars.

And how much is Mrs. Berg worth?

You've got big dreams.

You want fame.

Well, fame costs.

And right here is where you start paying.

And sweat.

In

fairness,

I owe you an apology.

The foggiest notion, how to motivate you to get off your proverbial fat, lazy...

Don't say it, you'll hate yourself in the morning.

I'm terribly sorry.

If I've said anything at all personal, I meant it.

Now, if we take this score of 67 and add it to our wonderful collection of bad

news, we get a total of... 1 ,994.

Thank you, Dwight.

Which gives us an average for our curve of... 66 .5.

How did you do that so fast?

With this.

Oh, I see.

You didn't actually figure it out. The calculator figured it out.

Well, yes, but I had to know what to do.

People, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

The world...

We have become so dependent upon machines that when we actually have to

brains, we end up with grades like these.

If it were up to me, we would take all the calculators, all the computers, and

dump the whole kit and caboodle into the river.

It's pretty naive, don't you think?

Well said, Martelli.

Go on.

It's kind of refreshing to be called naive by a 17 -year -old.

I just know how much computers help me out. I mean, half the songs I perform

performed with the help of a synthesizer. I get pretty tired of

it down all the time.

You know, I think your attitude has a lot to do with age.

The man has a death wish.

Go on, Mr. Martelli.

You know, Mr. Shrofsky's always putting down electronic music, right? Because he

comes out of a whole other discipline.

And I think the same applies to a lot of adults.

I mean...

To them, computers are a threat when they're really an opportunity.

He's right.

He really is.

How many agree with Martelli and Dwight?

Okay.

One of the signs of an open mind is a willingness to let others demonstrate

their theses.

Mr. Martelli, I'm about to make you an offer you can't refuse.

Come on, make way.

Come on, come on through here.

Get out of the way. Move it.

What is it? Heavy.

It's a computer. It's an ES -21.

It's beautiful.

I saw her first. She has A to D conversion, DMA, bit slice capability.

That's pretty good. I never knew you were into computer stuff.

It's the future.

You're right. It's heavy.

So you want to give us a hand or what?

Hello? Yes.

I'm calling about my bill. You see, I paid it three weeks ago, and now my

telephone's been disconnected.

There must be some mistake. I... What?

Will I hold?

Look, I've been hold... I guess I'll hold.

Looking for Mrs. Berg.

Right here.

Oh, it's the computer.

Right this way, young man. You can put it here.

Yes. Yes, I'm still here.

You need a signature?

What? Do you mean your computer told you?

I'm telling you that I've paid the bill. Doesn't that count for something?

I don't believe you just said that.

I want to speak to somebody in charge.

Well, when will she be in?

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

I'll call back.

Computer?

Yes, those deers down at the Board of Education sent it over to help me with

record keeping.

Does it talk?

The phone company has one that tells them things.

Really? What kinds of things?

Lies!

Good morning, Mrs. Berg.

Mrs. Berg.

Oh.

Oh, hello, Miss Grant. I'm sorry.

What can I do for you?

Well, I was supposed to meet Mr. Reardon here before next class. He was here

earlier, and he said he'd wait for you in his classroom.

Oh, good. Thanks.

Miss Grant.

Mm -hmm?

Is he feeling all right?

I think so. Why do you ask?

He doesn't look so hot.

Excuse me. So, uh, anyway...

There's no reason for you to be nervous.

I just want to take a look at the dance number and get an idea of where it's

fitting into the show. Okay? All right.

Oh, there you are.

Okay, people, no need to be nervous. Let's just show Mr. Reardon the dance

number so he can see where it fits into the show.

That is what you wanted, isn't it?

More or less.

It keeps track of the students' grades, their absences, even tardies. It stores

all their records.

Peter, you do this, Mrs. Berg.

I think this machine is after your job.

Oh, don't be silly. Where would I go?

You're not going anywhere.

And if I'm supposed to be impressed with this electronic intruder, I'm afraid

I'm going to have to disappoint you.

Why is everyone dumping on this poor machine?

Because, Mrs. Burr, it is you, and only you, who keeps the school running, you

could never be replaced by a computer.

Mr. Swarovski, it's not here to replace me. It's here to help me.

Like Eve helped Adam.

I don't trust them. They mean to take over the world.

Well, then, maybe we better get on their good side.

Please put in a word for me. I'm probably on their most wanted list. Of

By the way, why isn't it working yet?

The person hasn't come to set it up.

What hasn't come to set it up?

The person.

Thank you. I rest my case.

Hey, hey, look, look. This is me you're talking to, okay?

You just slept through a dance that would keep most men awake for a week.

I was resting my eyes. Oh, yeah. My mother's a duck. You were asleep.

Oh, okay. I was asleep.

But it's not what you're thinking. I'm not seeing anyone.

Oh, then there's no excuse.

Of course there's an excuse. I just can't tell you what it is. Well, why

Because you get mad.

I'm already mad. You get madder. David.

All right.

But you're going to be disappointed. I know you are because I know what you're

thinking. All right. What am I thinking?

You're thinking...

that I'm involved in some mad, passionate affair with a woman who's

up all night rewriting the comics.

All right, so you know what I'm thinking.

And the truth of the matter is, I'm rehearsing every night for an off -off

-Broadway show.

Is that all? Oh, please.

Boring. And the thing is, this rehearsal schedule is one big hassle, and the

director is one big... Let's just say that he is a little too avant -garde for

me. He's always trying something new.

Sounds like a drama teacher that I know.

In case the circuit overload alternates between most currents using the 50

hertz frequency.

Hertz?

Mrs. Berg, I'm impressed.

How do you make sense of all that?

These are easy to follow instructions.

They are?

It says so right here.

Well, I wouldn't get too chummy with that if I were you.

I know what you're thinking.

I saw the same look on Mr.

Sharofsky's face this morning.

They wouldn't do that.

They couldn't. Well, they certainly shouldn't.

This school's my whole world.

These kids, they're my kids.

And I give them... I give all of you.

Everything. Anybody could see that.

Yes, Mrs. Berg.

Anybody could see that.

Well, you are, as they say, up the creek without a paddle.

Production number without people.

Oh, that's a long shot, Bruno. A real long one. Why doesn't anybody think I

could do this thing? Because it's impossible, that's why.

Difficult, yes. Impossible, no.

Calm down. You sound like you're under a lot of strain, Bruno.

No strain.

It's just a little upsetting to find out that your friends have no faith in you

at all. All right, if you think that you can do this, then we'll back you all

the way, okay?

Do you think you can do it?

No.

But I have a secret weapon.

What secret weapon?

It's a problem.

I don't have a secret weapon.

Hey, I'm confused.

You said that you had a secret weapon. You lied?

Not exactly.

Shot my mouth off. Again.

Thought I'd come up with something by now.

And?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Nothing.

They were right.

It's impossible.

I'm dead.

Absolutely dead.

Hey, Sherwood's a reasonable lady.

I bet if you just leveled with her... Pop, she's a warrior with a phone

Every time she looks at me, she sees Ma Bell.

So? You tell her you were wrong, take your medicine.

Well, the deal is, she'll upgrade the entire class average if I pull this off.

If I bail out, she'll lower the entire average.

I can't pull this off by myself.

You worry me when you say can't.

I worry you when I say hello.

I think I know I could help.

I'll fix dinner.

Fixing dinner isn't going to help me. He's talking about you. I'm talking

me. I always feel better when I fix dinner.

I got it. Got what?

The secret weapon. I had it all the time.

Very funny.

If it's an answering machine, I won't be able to handle it.

Hello, Dwight.

Bruno Martelli here.

How you doing, good buddy?

No human input whatsoever.

You sure that has to be part of it?

Well, that's what we said we'd do, isn't it?

No, it's what you said we'd do.

Happens to be impossible.

Do you go to hospitals on weekends and spread sunshine among the needy?

I'm just... telling it as it is.

All right, all right. Why is it impossible?

Because somebody has to program the computer.

It's only a tool. It's good at the people operating it.

Garbage in, garbage out.

Exactly.

You know how to operate one of those things well enough for us to put

really special together?

You know that computer they delivered to the office the other day?

Yeah, the one with the white walls and the power windows.

If I could get access to that for a long enough period of time, and if we could

put it together with your music, and if we found a dancer who could cooperate...

And if we could get the right combination of audio -visual equipment,

blow them away.

Count of four or five ifs in what you just said. It doesn't make me too

Wyatt, play that thing.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

You want me to be brutally honest?

I don't think so.

In that case, I loved it.

Just like it sounds.

S -H -E -R -W -O -O -D.

That's right.

Why could you possibly need my middle name?

Victoria.

Are you deaf?

Sorry.

With a V.

Yes, I'll hold.

I have a sister -in -law named Victoria.

Mrs. Berg, you never heard me say that name ever.

Say what name?

Thanks. I owe you one.

Well, actually, that makes six. But who's counting?

Hello? Yes, I'm still here.

You came on the line to tell me you'll be right back? What kind of a thing is

that? No, wait, please.

If I have to listen to Mitch Miller's people doing Happy Days Are Here again

just once more, I think I'll go...

Eyes above are clear again. Let us sing a song of cheer. Oh, please.

I was wondering if it would be possible to switch my study hall to third period.

Why?

Well, you see, I'm working on this project with Dwight.

And if me and him had the same study hall, we'd get an awful lot

Well, now, I don't know. Let me see.

He and I, not me and him.

Well, my sentiments exactly.

How's it coming along?

The assignment, how's it coming along?

Well, the assignment, well, great, just great.

I mean, like I thought it would be hard.

Bruno.

You know, I thought it may be difficult, but was I wrong?

It's a piece of cake.

Bruno, I think I get the picture.

Hello? Yes, yes, I'm still here. Now, you see, my problem is... Oh, no.

Look. I'm going to have to call you back. With whom am I speaking, please?

I said, with whom am I... No, no, wait, no, please, no more Mitch Miller!

Yes,

Bruno, I could change your study hall.

But I'm not going to.

Mrs. Berg, it's really important.

Well, I'm sure it is.

But you're not going to be in class third period.

Nobody is.

Mrs. Barrett, where are we all going to be?

Good morning, student body. I'm very happy to stand here and introduce our

this morning, Ms. Brenda Vaccaro,

who has most

graciously agreed to participate in our question and answer session.

Now, there's so much you can learn from this lady.

She's been a success on Broadway, on television, and feature film.

Well, if she hasn't done it, I don't think it's worth doing.

Now, you all take good advantage of her. I'm going to leave, and she really

flatters us by being here this morning. And, Brenda, they belong to you now. All

right. Brenda Vaccaro.

Thank you very much.

I'm happy that they asked me to be here at the School of Arts, and I'm very

pleased to be with you today, but I'm not going to stand up here and talk

because this lecture and everything is a bit formal for me. So if you don't

mind, I'll go back to my nice warm seat over there so we can talk casually.

Okay.

So I'm here for you, and any question you want to ask me, shoot.

Yes.

Well, first off, I just want to tell you that people say I sound like you.

You do.

I hope you're not up for the same role as I am. We'll be in a lot of trouble.

Did you ever think that you had to change your physical appearance in any

for your work, like get a nose job or a facelift or change the color of your

hair or lose a lot of weight?

Well, you got me on losing a lot of weight.

I was about to say to you, let me get the other part first.

You never change anything about yourself. You are what you are, and

always proud of it.

You never change your nose, anything.

You know, as far as the weight is concerned.

It is essential that you look your best.

You are what you are, and you should always be very proud of that.

All right, I just wanted to ask you something. Like, in this school, well, I

kind of feel that they want us to stay here and follow the rules of the school

and learn the techniques here, but I really want to get an agent. I want to

out of here, and I feel like, don't you think it's good for us to have both

sides and not just have the school side of it?

Yes, you mean can you go out professionally while you're still in the

process? I don't see any reason why you couldn't. Once you have been in the

theater, you realize that what you know, someone can never take away from you.

And you learn that in the theater. So there'll be no messing around with you

when it comes to knowing your craft.

But you must continue your education here, which is vital to you. You'll

understand that later on, how valuable this time is.

How does it feel for you to be, you know, walking down the street and people

always running over to you and giving you a lot of attention and wanting your

autograph? Does it ever get to be a pain?

I couldn't imagine it for me to be a pain.

No,

it is never, I love your word, a pain.

As a matter of fact, I think it's a really wonderful thing. I spend a lot of

time in the theater, as you know, and applause is the time for the audience to

give you something.

I always feel graciously towards them. I'm always very appreciative because

have a time to tell you what they think.

And that's their time, and you should always be gracious. It'll never be a

I hope it won't for you.

Thanks. Well, a lot of people think there is going to be a technical

coming up real soon, and I was wondering if you think that will change the place

of, say, what an actress does.

Not in the slightest, nor what an actor will do, nor what you will do.

Your work will always be the same, God willing. What are some other dreams

like to fulfill?

Those are mine, young man, and they're personal.

Come back here. Don't leave me yet. You mustn't do that to me.

Well done. Yes. This is a two -part question.

The first part is, what first made you want to be an actor?

And the second part is, what keeps you wanting to be an actor?

I wanted to be an actress because I felt it was something that I could do well.

And, of course, when you're young, you...

Look for things that you're comfortable doing that you feel good about yourself

doing. And my mother and father used to say I was a natural born hand. That's

how they used to put it. So somehow it just happened for me that that's what I

found I wanted to do.

The reason that I continue to want to do it, there's something about when you

really love what your work is. And I love this work. I love this world. I

this industry. I think it's extraordinary.

We're lucky.

is that you just never give up.

You just don't give up. I hope I'm 86 and I'm still crossing the stage.

I hope I helped you all. If I didn't, I'm perfectly willing to be forgiven.

And thank you all very much. Lovely to be here.

Yeah,

Coco.

I heard that you're going to be in an off -road play.

Yeah, I am. Way off Broadway, though.

And don't worry, when and if it opens, you're all going to be invited, okay?

Well, do you think that that's fair?

What? That teachers get to perform professionally and that students can't?

Oh.

Coco, you know, there are nights when I leave here, meet some friends, go to a

bar, have a drink.

You can't do that either.

How do you know? The premise is adults are supposed to be able to handle some

things better than kids, okay?

Well, I'm not talking about adults handling things or a bar. I'm talking

play. And I just don't think that it's fair.

You're right.

You're right.

Probably isn't.

But then life comes down that way sometimes.

The way I see it, I've got a chance to be in an off -Broadway show that you

can't be in. And I'm going to take advantage of that chance.

Now, wait. Come here.

You, on the other hand, have more talent than 95 % of the kids I've ever taught.

In a way, that's not fair.

I hope you take advantage of that, too.

Cancel check.

Phone bill.

Second cancel check.

Are you still hassling with the phone company?

Still hassling? Well, will you get it together, girl? I don't have anyone to

my nighttime convention with.

Convention? How do you know if I'm quenching?

Mr. Sharofsky, if you lived in Houston, you would learn what a good barbecue is.

But since I've moved to New York City, I have learned to appreciate good

kvetching. Our cultural exchange program is working.

Once more into the breach, dear friend.

Letter for the School of Arts.

Well, nobody's in the office and somebody's got to sign for it. I'll

But I can give you a tip. Teachers are not allowed to tip.

Deep pockets and short arms.

Occupational hazard.

No problem.

Thank you. Hello.

I'd like to speak to a Mr. Alexander, please.

I've been having some trouble with my telephone bill, and I understand he's

man who can straighten it out.

I tried to reach him yesterday, and I couldn't get through.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I'll wait.

Mr. Alexander?

Oh, I am so glad to speak to you.

Hello?

In the years to come, you and I will

discuss at great length what you just did.

The board is going to fire Mrs. Berg.

What?

That's what it says in this letter.

Why?

Who's going to run the office?

According to this, the computer is going to run the office.

I'm not going to tell her.

Well, I'm certainly not going to be the one to tell her.

Don't look at me. I'm still learning the language.

Well, then it's decided.

David will tell her.

I don't count on it. Oh, come on, David.

Somebody's got to tell Mrs. Berg.

Agreed. Since when did I become your scapegoat?

I mean, who's handled these kind of things in the past?

Mrs. Berg.

I'll tell her.

You will?

If I don't, they'll just send another notice and she'll find out that way.

She deserves better than that.

When are you going to tell her?

Isn't that an American expression about there's no time like the present? Yeah,

there is.

Dumbest damn expression I've ever heard in my life.

that Chardonnay was fat.

It was just fat.

That was a shot saying, what do you want?

What do you mean, what do I want?

Well, Bruno, you're about as interested in dance as I am in punctuation.

That's what I mean, what do you want?

Is that what you're going to say? You're on Broadway, you debut, right?

You finish your number, the audience is on its feet wildly applauding, and you

go out and call for quiet and say, all right, what do you want?

I got no time for this. All right, you win. I need a favor. How do you figure

out when?

What?

I figured out a way of doing Sherwood's assignment, but I need your help. Look,

forget it, man. Let me tell you something. I'm already... What's the

looking for?

Oh, I'm already overextended, which is exactly why you need to help me out.

Look, how would you like to get at Sherwood's essay? Beat first if you

find your... Are you serious?

Never been serious, but... What do I have to do?

Just dance, so... A couple of Chardonnays, a Chablis or two.

Cheers. Then we

might try something like this.

Bearing in mind this is only an approximation.

All right, man, how'd you do that?

I didn't. This did.

I still don't see how this is going to come into play with my attendance

records.

Excuse me, I need to talk to you.

I'm sorry.

I'm Mrs. Kiley. I'm here to show you how to set up the computer.

Oh, my, you're the person.

How nice.

Come on in.

All right, playtime's over now. Come on, on your way. Scoots, skedaddle.

Mr.

Sharofsky, could we have our little talk later?

Sure, I'm in no big hurry.

I want you to know I have read the instruction booklet from start to

Good for you.

Couldn't understand one word.

Let me read it for you.

Before beginning to use ES21... You and your damn computers.

Efficient, but heartless.

Refer to the getting started with your ES21 manual for complete instructions.

In the setup process, make sure that... Excuse me.

Make sure that the printer... I can do everything but care.

in the terminal configuration menu.

Also, you must make sure that the system has been properly set up and turned on.

Make sure that the printer has been selected.

David, I think you're carrying this role model business a little far. I sure

would, Mr.

Reardon. This is Mrs. Kiley.

Hello. Pleasure. The board sent her down to help me program the computer.

By the end of the week, that machine will know as much as I do.

Mrs. Berg, have you spoken to Mr. Shirovsky?

Oh, I certainly have.

You ask me, he's working too hard. He hemmed and hawed, told me about his

childhood in Vienna, his school days in Heidelberg, twice.

Talk about a fun date.

Pleasure to meet you.

Bruno's right. I think they're going to fire Mrs. Berg.

Let's put together a petition.

We can't get a petition going when no one's exactly sure about what's going

Besides, we're always putting out petitions.

Pretty soon we're going to have to include the time of day as well as the

I feel terrible about this. I really do.

Bruno, it's not your fault, man.

Yeah, but here I am off on this big crusade about how great computers are.

I don't really think what's happening to Mrs. Berg is all that great.

For a non -Jew, you do guilt really good.

Or will it stop the joking and feeling sorry for what's happening?

I mean, there's got to be something we can do.

Take it.

Take what?

The computer. Cop it.

Leroy, your thing's worth thousands of dollars.

And how much is Mrs. Berg worth?

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

This goes beyond vandalism, Miss Chief.

The items we are talking about are worth thousands of dollars.

If we are forced to notify the police and they're fined to took these things,

the charge will be a very serious one.

Very serious.

We don't want any students to suffer that kind of punishment if there's some

to avoid it.

If the person or persons who took the computer material is listening to me

I beg you to let us know where it is, and we'll take it back, and the matter

will be closed.

If you know who took these things, prevail upon them to do the smart thing

avoid trouble.

That's all I have to say. Mrs. Kiley, if you have anything to add.

I wonder if you're aware of the reputation this school has in certain

circles that deal with the harsh realities of funding and cost

ratios.

The reputation is not a good one. I can tell you that.

It took a great deal of convincing on my part to get your school on the list of

those eligible to receive the kind of modern technology that's been stolen.

I hope I didn't make a mistake.

And if I did...

I hope it's not too late to correct it.

Dismissed.

Are you two guys crazy?

Hey, don't talk to me. Talk to him. I told him that too.

Wait a minute. Where do you get off telling me anything?

Shut up, both of you.

Look, this isn't fun and games anymore.

Get the cops into this. We're talking reform school or worse.

Hey, like I said, don't talk to me. I had nothing to do with it. Neither did

Oh, come on, Leroy, man. You can hustle a lot of people, but don't pull that on

me. Man, you and I know too much about how things really are to do that to each

other. Come on, man.

Coco, shut up.

Didn't I just say I didn't have nothing to do with it?

Sure, I have ideas.

I have a lot of ideas, but I don't actually do them.

Especially the illegal kind.

You didn't take it honest?

Look, one more person around here says honest.

Or really, a come on.

And I'm a clean house around here, and I did not just say I did not take it.

And who did?

I took it.

Get out of town.

Why? Why?

You're not going to turn me in?

No, I think it's against the law to turn in a member of the student hall patrol,

diplomatic immunity or something like that. I didn't actually steal it. But

said you were the one who took it.

But I didn't steal it.

I just moved it.

It's still in school.

It's in the orchestra pit under a dust cover.

In the orchestra pit?

In the auditorium?

Where 300 kids have just gathered?

Why, talk about your Lutheran chutzpah.

Thank you.

I don't believe this.

Why'd you do it, guy?

I know why.

You didn't want Danny and Leroy to get in really big trouble.

That's not true.

We'd be very noble, be a very good reason, but it's just not true.

Then why?

There are those of us who seem destined to go through life a little out of step,

a little out of style, a lot of tune.

I think I'm one of those people.

I picked the wrong instrument to play.

In a school full of rebels, I chose to join the establishment.

I thought that helping Bruno and Leroy put together this dance number would be

my chance to fit in.

And when I saw that chance start to slip away because of what I thought Danny

and Leroy were going to do, I think I panicked.

I don't have any answers.

Join the club.

Hey, Dwight, you know, we've still got to do something. They're going to find

this thing sooner or later.

And Mrs. Berg will get fired.

We need to talk to somebody.

Sherwood. Off the record. See what she says.

Worth a try.

Okay.

What?

I have to practice.

Besides, I don't have a hall pass.

Looks serious.

It's about that challenge we laid down. Kind of.

It's the kind of that worries me.

Well, the kind of part is that I kind of failed.

But I didn't.

Go on.

I'm a slow learner.

I think that we were both wrong.

But we were both right.

And I got a hunch.

Now, Scratchit, I know that my project proves just that.

Martelli, this keeps getting curiouser and curiouser. Just tell me one thing.

Does your project hold up your end of the challenge?

No. But it does something just as good.

Better. Which is?

You're always telling us that an assignment is successful if it teaches

something. Even if it was something you weren't supposed to learn.

True. What we learned wasn't what I thought or what you thought.

It was something better than that.

Is any of this going to get any clearer to me when I see what you've managed to

put together?

Yeah, but we kind of need your help.

We're back to kind of again.

We kind of need your help in putting together a, well, a command performance.

I suppose you all know the basis of the disagreement between Miss Sherwood and

myself.

Well, it isn't settled yet, but... Here's the score so far.

All the ideas for music and dance came from human -type beings. Point to Miss

Sherwood.

Everything you've seen here on the screen behind me was generated by a

Point to Martelli.

When you have two factions, you also have a choice.

You can make war or marriage.

Let us know what you think we've got.

That's the computer.

It certainly is.

Thank you.

Keep your count.

Thank you.

There it is. Fine.

I don't want to know anything about who took what. I just want to get it back

into the office. Oh, no, no, no, no, dear fat chance, honey. This equipment

not going into any office in this school.

This belongs to the dance department, plain and simple. But it's the intention

of the board. The board gave us a computer. There were no instructions as

it was to be used.

We're the school of the arts.

We're performing artists.

here. And as a teacher, when I find something that can generate this kind of

spectacle, create this kind of vision and put out this kind of heat, honey,

belongs to the dance department, dear, period.

And goodbye.

Mrs. Bird?

It's going to get noisy again as it does the retreat.

I'm not going to get to run the computer, am I?

I don't think so.

Fudge. I just had a program to play Space Invaders.

Now it's our turn.