Original subtitles

I'd like to slap the hell out of you.

Julie, you said the H word. What kind of school you go to, huh?

Redneck Tech?

Hey, we didn't come here to make fun of anybody.

Do we have a relationship?

I think we're working on one.

I'm 30 years old.

I'm not.

Is that going to be a problem?

There's only one way to find out.

It's wet.

You

aren't

nervous, are you?

No.

I'm petrified.

Look.

Hello?

Look, this isn't like me at all. I think I've made a terrible mistake.

Well, why did you send in the application?

I didn't. That is, it wasn't my idea.

There's this lady that I work with, this friend of mine.

Well, she saw your ad, and she'd heard me complain about how hard it is to meet

single men, and we got into this kind of I -dare -you conversation.

And here you are.

And here I are.

Well, I don't think you're making a mistake at all. I think you've just got

traditional case of stage fright. You know much about stage fright?

Not firsthand.

What's your first name, Miss Sherwood?

Elizabeth. What do you like to do in your free time? Do you have any hobbies

anything like that?

Hobbies?

Well, I suppose reading it.

Look, I just saw a light go on. Does that mean the camera's on now?

It certainly does. This is all being recorded for posterity.

Hello.

Kim, Michael, lovely. Much better than the last time. Characters are really

coming along.

And speaking about that, I'm sure you have noticed we have an observer here

us today, Doris Schwartz.

In a ballet like this, you're not just a dancer. You're an actor. You're

portraying a character.

And Doris is here as part of her drama assignment to critique and observe the

use of acting and dance.

Doris, we anxiously await your words of wisdom.

Your kids did fine. I think you should feel really good about what you

accomplished with the level of training you've had so far.

Acting training.

In places, it seemed... I don't know the word for it.

Boring?

Say what?

Well, it's not your fault.

I mean, music is 100 years old.

I mean, dancing is very pretty, but it's just not breakthrough stuff.

Mr. Martelli, Romeo and Juliet is a classic.

And classics can be revised.

I mean, that's what made West Side Story work.

Well, true.

In my opinion, that's what's going to make this work, if you want my opinion.

Of course, if you don't want my opinion, I could just sit here, hope I get

lucky, and the floor will open up.

Well, frankly, he's right.

So, Doris, you think that the dance could use a new approach. Is that what

you're saying?

Well, frankly... Doris. Could use some pepping up.

Pepping up?

You think you could pep this up?

Well, frankly... Doris, red alert, red alert. Yeah, I think Bruno and I could

really punch some life into it.

Mm -hmm.

Um, Bruno and Doris, I'd like to see the two of you after school. I have a

little assignment I'd like to talk to you all about. Class dismissed. Thank

What is this?

A receipt from the television embrace service.

Well, I knew if I didn't turn up with some kind of proof I actually went

with it, you'd never believe me. You did it. You did the interview and

everything? Today, I am a cassette.

You know she's going to tell us to come up with a totally new concept.

But that's what we'll do.

I don't have the time or the energy to come up with a new twist for Romeo and

Juliet. How about a transsexual love story? We'll call it Romeo is Juliet.

Duets would be impossible to write.

You gotta get off this macho kick. I mean, just because a challenge is made

doesn't mean you go racing forward to accept it.

Especially if you're pulling me along.

But doesn't this kind of thing excite your creative instincts?

Excitement is one thing.

Fear is another.

I think you've bitten off more than I can chew.

What if we tried... Romeo and Juliet has been done classily. It's been done with

show tunes on Broadway. It's been done with jazz. It's been done with every

of music you can think of.

Hasn't been done with country and western.

What?

Three?

Oh, four. My father's outside. He's parking the car. He's wearing a tan

All right. This way.

They probably have to check for ID if they think your parents are part of the

package.

Your waiter will be here in just a minute.

Thanks. Hey, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Don't think so.

Have a nice evening.

Hey, Martelli, you've been watching midnight theater again.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

The line was invented before birth control.

Thank you.

Listen, we're going to be heading for a little break now, all right?

Come on now, we deserve it, didn't we?

Anyway, when we get back, we're going to be taking some requests.

So, have we got any first -timers here?

Let's see some hands. Come on, we must have a few first -timers. All right.

Listen, when we come back, we're going to be taking requests from first

all right?

Later.

Why don't you order me some cold coal? I'm going over there to the jukebox if

there's anything I've heard on there.

Look at that.

Howdy.

Hi.

Can we help you?

Well, it beats the hell out of me.

The hostess just sent me over here.

She said you were waiting for me.

Come over here, I'll buy you a drink.

How you doing?

Hey, how come you wink like that, huh?

Um, uh, yeah, I have a weak left eye muscle, and for me to wink, I have to

the other eye like this, so it's kind of double -barreled.

Huh. Mind if I say that?

No, sure.

Okay, thank you.

So...

Any requests?

Well, no.

I mean, I don't even know what kind of music.

Here, let me get that.

I don't know anything about this kind of music or this kind of people.

I don't know about the people either.

To me, like a bunch of New Yorkers with illusions of manure.

Looks to me like you and your buddies are hitting it off pretty good, though.

Yeah, that's why we came here.

We're doing this project for school.

We just wanted to see how things work, that kind of stuff.

Well, yeah, what kind of school you go to, huh?

Redneck Tech?

Hey, we didn't come here to make fun of anybody.

We're just doing the show, and we want to see how things work.

I'm Will, come.

Darsh, what?

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Well, you, uh... You know the old Cotton Eye Joe?

Like the back of my hand.

And I know nothing about the back of my hand.

Come on, you're about to learn. Let's go.

Yeah.

Miss Sherwood, this is Kevin from Television Embrace.

We've already had a lot of good feedback from your tape.

There's one gentleman in particular I think you might want to get in touch

His name is Mitchell. He's an engineer.

The thing that impressed me most about him was how much he agreed with you

the singles bars.

things like that.

His number is 555 -7755.

You're an actress.

You could say that to any hostess in this town and have a 50 % chance of

right. No, no, no. I mean, that's where I've seen you before.

You take baths?

Want to make an appointment?

You've seen me in your baths.

You have an incredible fantasy life.

I'm the Valley Mist Beauty Bar Girl.

I've taken baths with you.

That's correct.

Is it good for you, too?

Anyway, that's where you've seen me.

No.

No?

I don't use that brand of soap.

I mean, what I was trying to do, I was just trying to start a conversation.

Actually, what I was really trying to do, and I hate this term, you've got to

believe me, I was trying to pick you up. And other guys, they have no problem.

They pick up girls like Lind.

And I got major problems with it, you know, because I start talking, I get

nervous, I start to ramble on and on. And the girl stands there, she gets

like, glazed look in her eyes.

You're not getting glazed.

My name's Bruno, but that's not my fault.

Well, Bruno, it looks as if I'm going to get a little busy here for a little

while.

Why don't we just assume that you asked for my number and I played coy and then

you charmed me into it and here it is, okay?

Boy, am I some operator.

Displace me.

I'm 30 years old.

I'm not.

Is that going to be a problem?

There's only one way to find out.

The strength of the storytelling in Romeo and Juliet is due largely to the

universal theme of the relationships between men and women.

The interest is generated...

By the obstacles that are thrown into the path of the young lovers. Now, who

give me an example of the major obstacles that they had to overcome?

Dorothy.

I think their biggest problem was the fact that they were both from different

places. They didn't trust or know a lot about the other one.

Hmm.

Sounds a little more like West Side Story.

What about the age thing?

What age thing?

I read somewhere that... Back then, the guys were 17 and the girls were like 13.

I mean, age difference can be a big problem.

I think we're reaching on that one, Martelli.

Look, we mustn't overlook the obvious in some things. I mean, there was a time

when Romeo didn't know Juliet, and Juliet didn't have the faintest idea who

Romeo was or what he was all about.

I mean, sometimes the biggest struggle can be the very first one.

Overcoming the...

awkwardness of meeting a brand new person in our lives.

Yes, Coco.

Well, I've read that most people think that what makes Shakespeare such a great

playwright is that what people kind of read into his plays based upon where

happen to be coming from.

Do you think that's true?

Oh, I don't think his greatness can be judged in that subjective a manner, no.

I don't buy it either, no way.

Yeah, I mean, talking about the same play, how could it be different?

Okay, I just asked a question.

Come on, open up a little, Miller. A new life experience.

Look, I've heard hillbilly music.

Who was your first friend when you first came to school here?

Montgomery. After him?

You. Who showed you the subways? You.

Introduced you to Bloomingdale's? You. Chocolate -covered champagne truffles?

You. Miller, there is a debt here. You owe me. And it's time for the bill to be

paid. Why? Why is it so important that I go to this place with you? Can you at

least tell me that?

No. I honestly can't tell you. But the bill's still good.

Either you switch your major or you're about to be late.

Okay.

Just a minute, please.

Who is it, please?

Mr. Mitchell.

I think it's a tie.

We're both equally nervous.

Come on in, Mr. Mitchell.

Dennis.

Dennis Mitchell?

I've heard that name before. Dennis the Menace. The cartoon character.

I've heard just about every joke you can make about it, and you can imagine what

my nickname was in high school.

I certainly can.

And I promise I'm not much of a joke teller.

Is that a new style?

Is what a new style?

Well, you're wearing two different earrings.

I was in a hurry getting dressed and I goofed.

I'll be right back.

I lied to the man at the video.

Dating service. I'm not really an engineer.

I'm what they call a stationary engineer.

I have a company that provides janitorial services for a number of

downtown Manhattan.

What I am is a high -tech custodian.

They call us stationary engineers, but, well, nobody really knows what that

means, so I thought I'd tell you that right from the outset.

And actually, if...

You did want to wear two different kind of earrings.

Everybody would think it was the new style, seeing the kind of lady you are.

What is it we're going to do tonight, Mr. Mitchell?

Dennis. Dennis.

Well, I was wondering if you cared for corny old -fashioned things, Miss

Sherwood.

Elizabeth.

Elizabeth.

And... The answer is yes, I do.

Then this just might work out.

What time's the first set?

8 .30.

Can't stay that long.

Heavy date?

No, homework.

Geometry, social studies.

I think I would have preferred it if you said you had a heavy date.

You know, one of the things I was studying in social studies is that

Lincoln intended the Emancipation Proclamation to apply to all races.

Massaona has got to let you out of here at some point.

That's why they invented Saturday.

That's good. Can we have Saturday, then, you and me?

Can we have you and me on Saturday?

You bet.

Wait, that's not what I had.

That's not what you said, but that is exactly what you have.

Look, I'm going to go see if Doris wants to take off with me.

Nice shot.

I am saving the universe from hostile invaders.

I don't know what my motivation is, but I'm saving them anyway.

A lot of nice people in the universe.

Yeah, there are a lot of jerks in the universe, too.

Maybe that's why I'm playing it. I identify.

Since when's he become a jerk?

See that hunk behind me on the bandstand?

The one with the blue denim eyes?

I do. Last night, he paid a lot of attention to me.

A lot of nice type attention.

And that got me to thinking, and thinking got me to doubting.

So I brought Julie here to tempt him with beauty.

See how interested he was in me.

That's how interested he is in me.

I just got blown up.

Good morning, Elizabeth.

Good morning.

How was our evening last night?

The evening was classic.

Dish. That isn't order.

Well, first we went for a ride around the park in a handsome cab.

Mrs. Berg, Mr. Oshman needs a bill from the company that supplies us with frogs.

Can I get a copy?

Was it an open cab or one that was more private -like?

It was an open cab the first time around.

First time?

Yeah, see, he thinks we're being overcharged for the frogs, and he wants

compare it to last year's prices.

Second time, we were in a cab that was more closed in.

Well, it was getting chilly, you know. Yeah, I think I do know.

Well, go on, girl, then what happened? Mr. Oshman is waiting, Miss Berg.

Then, down to the village, coffee, brandy.

Some quiet jazz.

Mrs. Berg, Mr. Oshman has a terrible temper. I could use some help here.

Look, I'm sorry, but I happen to have the love life of herpes Mary.

And when you combine that with haggling about frog features, I just get a little

edgy, okay?

I beg your pardon.

Mr. Oshman's frog bill.

More at lunch.

Oh. You are hateful leaving me hanging till lunch. Hateful!

Doris, Martelli tells me he's taking some of my dances down to this country

western place you two found.

Wonderful. I wish him well.

Here we are.

These prices, you would expect melted butter, not formaldehyde.

You know, Mrs. Berg, it's really a shame about romance.

Either it makes you feel terrific like Elizabeth or awful like Doris.

There ought to be some middle ground where you don't feel anything.

Oh, there is.

They call it married.

I'd like to slap the hell out of you.

Julie, you said the H word.

I'm going to say a lot more if you give me any more dumb jokes, Schwartz.

What are you mad at me for?

I don't like being used, all right?

I don't like being lied to by someone who says they're my friend.

You're talking about last night, huh?

If you've got some doubts about her, some guy you're with, figure it out. Or

talk it out or do something.

But don't call me into being some kind of a... Temptation.

Temptation to test out the guy's honesty.

That's a rotten thing to do to a friend, and it's a rotten thing to do to the

guy. There's no accounting for taste, but all he did all night was pump me

you.

Swear on your cello that what you just said was the truth.

What? That all he talked about was me. Swear on your cello.

Yes, I swear.

You're right.

What I did was a chicken thing to do.

You have every right to be angry.

What I did was not what one friend does to another friend.

Go ahead.

Hit me.

Doris.

No, I deserve it.

I want you to hit me.

You know, what you're saying is the kind of thing people say when they don't

really expect the other person to take them up on it.

But one of the things you don't know about me, when I was a little kid, I had

quite a reputation of being a tomboy. I used to get into fistfights all the

time. I never lost one of those fights.

Why are you starting to sound like Clint Eastwood?

Even though I know violence is immature, doesn't accomplish anything, and

usually makes matters worse, there is one thing to be said for it. When you

someone who really deserves to get popped, it feels great to pop them one.

But I don't know anyone like that, do you?

I wouldn't want to hurt my hand.

My father and I think it's tacky to use the decorator. I guess you could tell.

I know. It should be on the cover of Basement Beautiful.

And right here is where it all starts.

Because I like you.

What?

Because I like you.

That's why I'm here. It's just that simple.

That's what you were going to ask me, isn't it?

Yeah, how'd you guess?

It's no big deal that you're younger than I am.

You're more mature than most guys, period.

Everybody doesn't look at it that way.

You don't impress me as the kind of person who sets that much stock in the

other people look at things.

Bruno, come on. What's really bothering you?

I guess I feel kind of inadequate.

You know, like I got a crush on my teacher or something.

Bruno, I'm not trying to seduce you.

Sorry about that.

This may have been a bad idea.

I'll go fix us some lunch.

Suppose I'm not hungry.

I'll stay down here with you.

I think you better go fix it some lunch.

When's my birthday?

Uh, she wasn't sure of the date, but it was in March.

Favorite color?

Purple.

Best movie?

Um, It's a Wonderful Life.

Favorite dessert?

Anything chocolate. Sexy factor.

Some guy by the name of Michael Pollard. Michael J.

Pollard, right? That's it. I never heard of the guy.

You two really did talk about me, didn't you?

Yeah, I told you we did.

Yeah.

Sucker got me from behind. Go ahead, it's your turn.

I don't even know where you're from.

I'm from Houston, originally.

And then a whole bunch of places after that.

Houston. It's like Mars.

Sounds so foreign.

Just like any other place, you know?

A lot of people, you know.

Some real, some phony.

None of them, uh, quite as real as you, though.

You just got blown up.

You gotta pay attention, all right?

It's not going to work.

I'm going to concentrate on this game.

Do we have a relationship?

Looks like we're working on one.

Well, you know what Woody Allen says about relationships?

No, what does Woody Allen say about relationships?

You never saw Annie Hall.

You are from this planet and you never saw Annie Hall?

Well, you never saw a true Greek, did you?

I'm going to need to talk to your agent.

Why? What for?

Well, because I have a contract I want you to sign, and he'll probably want to

look at it. You know how agents are.

Oh, yeah?

What's his contract going to say?

That for the rest of our lives, no matter where we are or what we're doing,

if one of us needs the other one...

We'll always be there for each other.

And, uh... And what, uh, what's this password gonna be?

Meteor Matt.

That way as long as we're alive neither one of us will ever be alone

How long have you been playing? Not long.

20 years?

You cook, too?

Your

dad's

gonna be home soon.

Great guy.

You'll love him.

I don't think he's going to like me, though.

Bruno, you and I have about as much future as a puddle in the noonday sun.

Let's not waste what little bit there's left, okay?

Where were you?

Beach.

Warm day.

Glorious.

Where were you?

Right where I want to be.

You look so lonely sitting there Table

for two, one empty chair We've got a

lot in common I've got the same problem as you

I'm lonely too You

didn't come here just to think

We both could sing the blues alone

Then head on home We'll try

our luck at love

If only for

Take it in stride, and maybe the ride will last more

than a day or two.

If we just take a chance, I know this romance

is perfect for me and you.

Cause we're lucky in love, and we're lucky enough.

For two.

I never felt like this, you see.

I closed my heart, you found the key.

I know this one's for real.

If you feel what I feel for you, one thing to do,

try and love the love.

If only for a while, and take it in

stride, and maybe the ride will last more

than a day.

For two, if we just take a chance, I know

this romance is perfect for me and you.

Cause we're lucky in love, and we're lucky enough

for two.

Cause we're lucky in love.

And we're lucky in love.

They're going to be coming in here pretty soon.

It's set up for tonight.

You'll be able to get going, right?

Okay.

Okay? Okay.

I've got to take these cars back to the store room.

Need any help?

Nah.

Why don't you come along anyway, huh?

I wish that there was a problem.

You?

Well, yeah, I met this guy, and this is all kind of new to me, and I'm a little

confused.

I thought you'd be the best person to talk to, you know, because you know

guys and relationships.

To horrors.

Okay, go on.

See, I really don't want to do the wrong thing in Sherwood, because if this

doesn't work out, I'm going to feel really bad.

But not as bad as I'd feel if I knew I screwed it up. That it could have been

good if I'd only done the right thing. You know what I mean?

Yes, I do.

Julie says I have to be cool, play hard to get. Because guys are only interested

in the challenge.

Once they get hooked, they lose interest and move on.

Coker says the same thing. That doesn't make sense, does it?

I mean, couples would never get together, would they?

She says you have to ignore someone to keep their attention.

Who wants to be with somebody who's ignoring them all the time?

I think if you feel it, you should put it out there.

Because that's what relationships are all about.

I mean, it wouldn't be as fun for me if Will didn't tell me how much he liked

me. I mean, that's what I like the most. So why shouldn't I tell him how I feel?

And if I'm not playing hard to get and he's not losing interest, and he's not

playing hard to get and I'm not losing interest, I mean, it's just so much fun

telling each other how we feel.

Do you know what I mean?

Will, do you?

I think you mean...

that men and women seem determined to put up obstacles that stand in the way

really getting to know each other.

I think you're saying that romance can be the most wonderful, terrible,

delightful, painful thing in the world.

And if you're asking me a question, I'm here to tell you, I don't think there's

an answer.

Thanks, Miss Sherwood.

You have a way of always clearing things up.

Anytime, Doris.

Excuse me.

You look really lost. May I help you?

Yes.

I'm looking for someone.

Hey, Miss Branch, you thought we were down there taking off and having a good

time, didn't you?

No way.

I'm talking about dedication.

We were so dedicated. We were doing research.

Oh,

talk is all flash and trash. Come on, honey, let me see some results.

Results? Yeah.

Hit it, Tex.

Sure thing, Clam.

Let me tell you the story of Judy and Roy.

She's a pretty little city girl.

She's a good old country boy. They're star -crossed lovers.

It's a tale you won't forget.

She's a country western Romeo.

She's a rock and roll Juliet.

They met at a drugstore.

Fell in love at first sight.

Made plans in a hurry for a date that very night. She said, I'll meet you at

seven and I'll bring my girlfriends too. He said, babe, I'll be there waiting.

I want all my friends to meet you.

But when they got there, her friend said, Girl, he's only a heck.

His friend said, Royal, buddy, that chick's a little too slick.

She's crazy about Bruce Springsteen. He likes anyone that, if you believe love

conquers all, it's time to place your bet. Come on.

Cause their taste in music might be keeping them apart.

It's the perfect setup for a classic broken heart.

But when they got there, her friend said, Girl, he's on their head.

His friend said, Royal, buddy, that chick's a little too slim.

She likes new wave that's in.

He doesn't got no dough.

But when two people fall in love, what they'll do, you'll never know.

Hey, fellas, here's a girl I love. More precious to me than moonshine. All the

country's cows are bugs.

She put on her cowboy hat and led him to the floor.

Then they started dancing like nobody's seen before.

It wasn't rock. It wasn't roll. It wasn't country and western. Oh, no. They

started something special.

Something really new.

And soon her friends and his friends were dancing.

Shake your shoes off and play it, Glenn.

So that's the story of our friends Judy and Roy.

It's got a moral for every girl and boy. If your heart's set on something

special and the feeling's really true, don't give up without fighting. Just do

what you've got.

Dear diary, today I lost a friend.

No, not just a friend.

A very special person.

And it's not just my loss, but everyone's.

Everyone who will never hear his music.

Everyone who will never see his smile.

It's been some kind of week for me, Diary.

For the first time in my life, I found a guy who could give back to me all that

I wanted to give to him.

And now he's gone.

Because he wouldn't give some slime his guitar, which one of the kids said was a

dumb thing to do.

But it wasn't.

It was a cowboy thing to do.

And that's what my friend was.

Good night.

Cause we're lucky enough And we're lucky enough

For two Cause

we're lucky enough And we're

lucky enough For two

Meteor Madness