Original subtitles

Presenting a fable for parents.

The show has got to have a theme.

Something different.

Something new.

Consider yourself out of the show.

Well, we have straw hats and red and white blazers. Will that help?

Well...

You want big dreams.

You want fame.

Well, fame comes.

Right here is where you start paying.

Good morning, Elizabeth.

And how are we this morning, dear?

Greg Crandall is in traction.

Oh, no, he's back again?

That's terrible. He'll be in traction for two or three weeks.

Oh, poor Greg. I feel so sorry for him. Do not feel sorry for Greg. Feel sorry

for us. Why?

Greg is in charge, was in charge of Parents' Night, right?

Right. He ran the auditions, he made the selections. The whole thing was his

idea, his baby, right?

Right, so you just take over for him. No!

We take over for him. Oh, Elizabeth, I'm right in the middle of student

evaluations. I don't have time. Here, a note.

Sweetheart, I don't read shorthand. I do, but I can't read that.

This isn't shorthand, as the civilized world knows it. It's a code that Greg

made up when he was stage managing on Broadway.

Okay, so we call the hospital and... Already call them.

The nurse at station warned me that he was heavily sedated with muscle

for his back.

When he came on the line, it took me three tries before he remembered who I

He doesn't remember who he selected and who he rejected.

I asked him if he'd done anything about a celebrity guest.

He said he had that covered.

Good. Who'd he get? He's been in touch with Spencer Tracy.

Spence was delighted by the invitation and promised to be there.

Greg is really flying high.

And we are in deep trouble.

Deep trouble. Mm -mm, not we.

You. Uh -uh.

Not me.

Us.

Hey, Dad, I got some stuff to get in my locker for the first period.

So go. I can handle myself.

I'm ready to see the man I need to talk to anyway.

Mr. Sharofsky, I'm Angela Martelli, Bruno's father.

Of course, Mr. Martelli, I remember you very well.

I wasn't sure you'd meet so many parents.

There are many parents, only one Angela Martelli. What can I do for you, sir?

Well, it's this parents' night thing. I have to work that night.

I'm trying to switch off with some of the guys at the garage, but it's pretty

hard. Two weeks' notice, you can't find someone to take your place?

Perez and Goldman.

These are two of the co -workers that won't cooperate?

No, no.

They're two middleweight fighters who were fighting for the championship that

night. And nobody who's off wants to miss it.

That's why I can't get anybody to take my shift?

You don't want me to drive for you, are you? No, no, no.

I just want your okay so I can come to the dress rehearsal the night before,

that's all.

Mr. Martelli, you have my blessing, but it doesn't mean a thing. The operation

has been revealed to Miss Sherwood. I suggest you leave a note in her box.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Oh, hi, Mr. Shaw.

Hi, Mr. Martelli.

Hiya. Aren't you in the classroom like everyone else? No, I'm room monitor

year. You know, I run errands.

Mrs. Berg?

Miss Sherwood said that you have the SAT report.

The SAT report?

Yes. She said you knew where they were.

You know, the ones that came in last Friday.

Oh.

Could you help me?

Oh, yes.

Just a minute.

It's driving me crazy. Where do we meet? I don't believe we've ever met. Yes, we

have. I have a memory for faces you wouldn't believe. It's names I have

with. Was it a PTA thing here? No, it was not a PTA. Was that one of the shows

here? No.

You might have seen me on the screen.

You mean like you're an actress?

Yes. I hardly go to the movies.

I mainly watch movies on the...

I mainly watch movies on the tube, and you were in good news, weren't you? Yes.

You did the varsity drag.

Yes. You're June Allison?

No, you're Melinda McNeil.

You're Montgomery's mom.

Well, it's not the best billing I've ever had, but factual.

I'm going to flip out. He's in my English class right now.

I hope you weren't put out that I didn't know your name.

Oh, no, that's all right. I didn't know yours either.

Five minutes, people.

And Montgomery doesn't know you're our celebrity guest?

When Mr. Crandall wrote me, I thought it might be a nice surprise for Montgomery

as well as a change of pace for me. Well, a change of pace it will be,

for sure.

You didn't have to put off starting a picture or anything in order to come?

Miss Grant, my son is more important than any picture. And besides, I've

wanted to see some show he was doing.

Well,

it'll be a far cry from the kind of shows you're used to doing. I know.

It's school.

Well... No, we usually put on exciting good work. It's just that, well, when

Crandall's back went out, a lot of our preparation went out, too, so... I just

don't want you to think we're so disorganized. Miss Grant, I'm gonna love

show, just because my son is part of it.

Please, consider me just another parent.

Well, you're not.

You know, I've always admired you, and... I don't want us to look bad to

If there's anything I can do to help.

Well... Well, actually, there is.

I mean, you know, do you think you could... Maybe you could...

It's been a while, but I used to be pretty good at putting things

like this on its feet.

Then you think maybe you might...

Take over for Mr.

Crandall. Yeah.

Well... All right, I will. Oh, Miss McNeil, if you're really serious, we'd

be tickled pink.

I sound like Julie Eisenhower.

I mean, we'd love to have you take over our show.

I've got a class to teach right now, but if we could get together in about an

hour over lunch in the cafeteria... I'll find it.

It's going to be great.

Congratulations.

What for? Julie said your mom was here.

That's what she said.

She said. Haven't you checked to find out? Have you seen her?

I'm not interested in all that. Well, considering that it's lunch and

is headed in that direction, have you considered the possibility that she

be in the cafeteria?

Look, I'll run into her when I run into her.

Montgomery, you're not being fair.

Look, you don't know what the history is. Stop telling me who's being fair and

who's being unfair. I think I know my mother a little bit better than you.

talking about your mother yeah i'm not talking about her you're being unfair to

me how am i being unfair to you montgomery the closest i have ever

star in my life is when jan pierce sang the bluebird of happiness at my aunt

lillian's wedding and now i have the opportunity to meet an actual star

who was on the premises and i have someone to pave the way with an

you

Well,

that's all to the good. Maybe I'll drop a pound or two. I would say you can't be

too rich or too thin.

Haven't you seen your family yet?

Oh, I didn't know where to find them until now. Excuse me.

Actually, I've gained weight.

I guess that shows how often we see each other.

I wanted to surprise you.

You certainly accomplished that. How long are you going to be here for?

A couple of weeks. You're kidding.

Young man, you are looking at the guest celebrity and director of Parents' Night

Show. Terrific. I'm in charge.

What about your new picture?

It's more important that I see you and all of your friends.

Now, tell me.

What are you going to be doing in the show?

Stagehand.

Well, Mr. Shirovsky, guess who's directing Parents' Night.

I don't know.

Take a look.

I bet you don't know who that is.

That's Melinda McNeil.

It certainly is.

Years ago, she toured with the nightclub act, and she came to a place where I

was working nights, and I was her accompanist for two weeks.

The Commodore Perry Hotel, Toledo, Ohio.

I spent a number of nights with her in her room.

We had a very pleasant time.

Who's got this all?

Look now, he goes on and on about all of you in his letters. I know you better

than you know yourself.

Well,

I do. I'll prove it.

Which one of you is Mr. Johnson?

That's me.

You're the dancer.

To my life.

I can tell.

The way you're coiled there.

That's a dancer's body.

That means you must be Mr. Martelli.

If you say so.

Tell me.

Have you managed to overcome some of your problems?

What problem?

Montgomery's written to me about your drinking problem, about your father's

-in with organized crime, and about your confusion over your sexual preference.

She's good, Montgomery.

She's really good.

Yeah, well, I'll let you guys get to know each other. I've got some reading

do in the library.

Oh, I'll be in the school office after school. We'll arrange something for

dinner. Sure thing.

Okay.

I'm going to go and tackle the food line.

Anybody volunteer as guide?

Yeah, sure. I hear the food is really pretty treacherous.

Put that book back, mister.

There are women dressing in here.

Followed me up here?

Sexual harassment. Sue me.

Why'd you follow me?

Curious.

About what?

About why somebody would be so bummed out about having a mother who's...

witty and talented and funny and bright.

They're worse curses than that, you know.

You ever seen Citizen Kane?

Yeah. More than once?

Three times.

One of four.

I don't know. After a while. You know what Rosebud is. You know the twists and

turns. You know what's coming.

Yeah.

Same thing with me and my mother. I've seen the act before.

I know what's coming. I know how it's gonna end up.

Why an act?

Why not just someone being nice to the people her kid hangs out with?

She was just being nice.

Why not that?

Because I've seen her do it with agents, lawyers, boyfriends.

You name it.

I've seen it enough times. I know how it's going to end up.

How?

You'll end up with her center stage in a spotlight and the rest of the world

watching from the wings.

I've been in those wings all my life.

Terrific. That was great.

Yeah, I know.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, that was really nice.

Nice?

Really.

Well, is doing really nice getting me in the show?

Oh, I'll have to discuss that with Miss Grant. We'll let you know.

I've been called fierce, I've been called bad, fantastic.

Really nice.

Leroy the Kid, really nice.

Nice!

You don't think Leroy is good enough to be in the show?

Oh, I think he's terrific at doing that kind of dance.

But I wanted to ask you, how versatile is he?

Leroy can handle anything I throw at him.

Then you don't think the 20s motif will give him too much to cope with.

What 20s motif?

Miss Grant, the show has got to have a theme.

Well, it has one. We're showing the parents what we're doing here. That's

theme. Oh, that's not a theme.

The dance must come out of something.

An idea.

A concept.

Well, the concept is we're showing the parents what the kids do best.

It's my guess.

That the kids are showing their parents what they think they do best.

I think they need to do something different.

Something new.

Something new.

Like the Charleston.

Look, let's not split hairs. We could do both.

We could do both. We could show the old and the new.

Why don't we do an evolution of the dance?

What if we started with an early jazz?

Early mending.

If he's young, he can do that.

the history of dance too.

I knew

you'd

come over to the younger way of doing things.

It might work. I'll think about it, dear.

You do that.

Don't ask. I wasn't going to. I've got problems of my own. New wardrobe, new

comic script, new... What's your story?

She's impossible.

I thought we came to an understanding about working together, collaborating.

tells me, I'll think about it, dear.

She is the most difficult, devious, demanding woman I have ever met.

Takes one to know one.

Joke.

Funny joke.

Girl, thank you. I needed that. I needed that.

You ready for another laugh?

She came in to give me her autograph from my mom.

She also gave me this.

It's a list of special guests she'd like for us to invite to Parents' Night.

What? These are all agents and producers' representatives.

Looks like our celebrity guest is using Parents' Night as her own private New

York audition.

Morning. I'm looking for the lady of the house. I'm here to inspect your

plumbing. Did you bring your plumber's helper?

I asked, but he was busy.

My plumbing's fine, honey.

Hot water's hot and cold water's cold.

Have you thought about getting a washer?

I think there are some jobs a girl should do herself.

I'd be happy to replace the washer you have now.

You wait here. I'll call him. Call him?

Washers don't have a sex.

Well, that depends on the temperature of... Forget it, Danny. I can't do this.

This is the most unfunny stuff I have ever heard. Montgomery's mom said they

laughed at this in the old days.

Danny, they have a rule in burlesque. When the person who writes the joke

the joke dies with him. It's only an act of consideration for future

generations.

Is any of that funny?

Depends on how demanding you really are.

What do you think, Leroy?

Look, don't come to me looking for no sympathy, man.

Montgomery's mama told me I had to learn some dance called the Black Bottom.

Almost flattened that woman.

Danny, face it. I mean, it's not funny. It's boring. It's tired.

And apart from that? I'm going back to my solo singing act.

Tara, she said... I said I tried, and I did.

But the stuff is a lost cause. It lays there like white rhythm.

That's because you're not giving it a fair chance.

You're still doing the plumber's pleasure skit, yes.

Plumber's pleasure skit, yes.

Can you believe what I just said?

Cue me.

I'd be happy to replace the washer you have now.

You wait here.

I'll call in.

You see, you won't get the laugh unless you punctuate it. You really have got to

give it a... Ta -da.

Ta -da.

Gotcha.

Would any of you other girls like to try it, see if you can get the hang of it?

Oh, no.

Thank you. I've got to get my books. I've got to go, too.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bruno. Yes, ma 'am. I noticed on the sheet that your musical composition is

entitled Carved Smiles.

Yes.

Well, that doesn't sound very 20s to me.

Oh, it's not.

But I like it and the dancers like it.

But it's not in the theme.

Well, wear straw hats and red and white blazers. Will that help?

What would help is for you to drop the sarcasm and come up with a 20s number.

Or... Or what?

Consider yourself out of the show.

My father's coming to see me.

Your father's coming to the show.

Whether or not he sees you remains to be seen.

Mom, you're going about some of this all wrong if you don't mind my saying so.

No, I love being told I'm wrong.

What are you talking about?

Well, this 20s thing is kind of getting in the way.

Said the stagehand to the director.

Said the son to the mother.

Montgomery, I was making a joke.

Yeah, so was I. I just didn't know it at the time.

How's your back?

Sorry to hear that no, I mean, I really am sorry to hear it. It isn't sympathy

talking at all Yeah, I'll keep you posted do what they tell

you Fine Good

morning.

Hello You don't remember do you I beg your pardon? My feelings aren't hurt.

been a number of years

I don't even know what we're talking about.

We're talking about Toledo, Ohio.

The Comet of Perry Hotel.

Imagine, no beard, jet black hair, a waistline not quite as imposing.

Benjamin.

Those were good times, weren't they? The best.

Oh, and I think of how much you taught me.

If it wasn't me, it would have been someone else.

Don't forget, you taught me, too.

Oh, but you were so patient with me.

Oh, I remember those nights with such fond thoughts of you.

Oh, it really was special, wasn't it?

You think we could do it again?

How about lunch hour?

In your classroom.

Students might come in. How about the teacher's lounge?

The teacher's lounge it is.

But I don't want you to show me any mercy.

I want the old Benjamin Blitzkrieg.

No promises, but I'll do what I can.

Okay, then.

Don't you disappoint me now. Never.

Nothing brightens the day more than having something to break the tedium.

you find it to be so?

I... The classic challenge of penetrating defenses.

I love it.

The music was that bad?

No, not the music.

It can wait, but I can't.

I think I'm going to have a problem.

Which means you hope that I got a solution?

Yeah, you see, I'm bowing out of the thing with Danny, which kind of takes

out of the show and leaves him in a lurch.

Unless I can... Unless you can find a replacement?

Yeah, well, I was thinking along those lines.

You were wondering if I knew anybody?

The thought had crossed my mind.

And it'd be a nice surprise for your mom.

Not telling me.

Yeah.

Oh, that material is rotten, Doris. I mean, that's why you're asking out,

it? Yeah, but now you have a perfect excuse to change it. You're going from a

boy -girl skit to two guys, so you could do anything and justify it.

Yeah, I suppose that's true, isn't it? We could, uh, make that number almost

anything we wanted it to be.

My mom's never seen me on stage.

You're off the hook?

Montgomery, what are you gonna do?

Oh, I'm gonna have a little conversation with my mom, only, uh, I'm not gonna

say a word.

Thank you.

He wants Leroy to slick his hair back like the 20s.

What?

Oh, I've got to try to get through to her. Try to make her understand the way

run things around here.

Okay. You go talk to her.

I'll even buy you lunch.

I think she's in the teacher's lounge.

Mr. Shirovsky.

Wasn't the time or the place for any kind of conversation.

She and Mr. Swarovski are in there going at it.

Going at it.

Chess.

Elizabeth, let's go eat. I'm starved. You're buying.

Have you seen Mrs. McNeil?

She's in the star's dressing room.

We don't have a star's dressing room.

Wrong. What we don't have anymore is a teacher's lounge.

Wrong. There are no stars in this school and no star dressing room. What we do

have is a desperate need for a teacher's lounge.

How's Montgomery?

He'll be here in a few minutes.

Well? You look very dapper.

Great hat, too.

Really?

Are they ready yet?

In about five minutes or so.

You look very nice, Miss McNeil.

Don't you think I need more rouge?

Just a little.

Can I talk to you while you do that? Sure.

Have we forgotten who we're putting this show on for?

Putting it on for the parents of the students.

I haven't forgotten that.

I think you have.

What you want them to do, Miss McNeil... Miss Grant, these kids have got to be

able to dance everything a choreographer wants them to dance. They have to know

it all. They'll know it all, Miss McNeil. By the time I get finished with

they'll be able to dance with any choreographer anywhere. But right now,

right now, they're supposed to be showing what they've learned so far.

And that's not burlesque skits and step -touch razzmatazz dance numbers. That's

not what they do best. Not right now.

It's what you do best.

I didn't have to do this, you know.

Helping out in an amateur production like this.

When I got a letter asking me to be guest celebrity...

I was just trying to do you a favor.

Is that why you invited so many agents to come and see the show? Because you

were doing us a favor?

There wasn't any movie, was there?

And now, in honor of the occasion, presenting a fable for parents.

Once, there was a lonely man who lived high on top of a lonely hill.

He spent his days looking at the horizon and listening to his heartbeat.

Then one day, he saw a tiny speck in the blue sky.

It grew larger and larger as it came near.

And soon, the man saw it was a small seed.

The man quickly dug a hole and gently placed the seed within it.

He watered the spot every day.

Not too much.

Not too little.

He made sure the sun shone upon the spot.

And then he waited.

And he waited.

And he waited.

And a miracle happened.

The earth trembled and moved aside, and a beautiful flower appeared.

It grew and grew, reaching toward the sky.

And one day, it was actually as tall as the man who lived on top of the hill.

And the day after that, it was taller than he was.

And when he looked down, he saw that what had been roots were no longer deep

the ground.

And when he looked up, he saw that what was once his flower, needing his care

and love and attention, was now a magnificent soaring eagle, flying free

high, carving its own world in clouds, racing high above.

And for just a time, the man was lonely again.

Until he realized that he had taught a flower how to fly, and he was content

with watching the miracle he had raised fly through a faraway sky, high above

his lonely mountain, which was never as lonely again.

First class and build a studio.

Any through flight tonight.

No, tomorrow will be too late.

Then bump someone.

I can make that. I'll be there. Just don't take off without me. Where were

I had to make a phone call.

You always have to make a phone call?

Montgomery, you've got to help me.

Help you what? Find a cab. I have to get back to the hotel.

Pick up my stuff.

The plane leaves at 11 .30.

Tonight?

You're not going to stay for the show?

I can't. The picture's going to start. I have to get back right away. You said

that I was more important than any picture.

Well, darling, you're not in the show, so it doesn't really matter, does it?

It matters.

Why are you so upset?

Why are you so dense?

Whatever is bothering you, just tell me. What's bothering me is that you

never... That I'm missing the show.

Is that you're missing my life?

Darling, if there was any way I could stay, I would.

I know. You can't catch a plane tomorrow night instead of tonight.

You can't make them wait for one day. They won't wait.

They'll give the part to somebody else. Are they going to give the lead in the

movie to someone else because they'll want... It's not the lead.

It's a supporting part.

The mother.

The reason I came here instead of doing the picture is because they wouldn't

give me the lead.

Then I came here and I saw what young really is.

That's not me, Montgomery.

That's not me anymore.

It's important that you get that part, isn't it?

Well, it's important that I have some part.

There aren't that many now.

I have to hold on until I can play Granny.

There's a lot of those.

Darling, I'm sorry about the show.

I know it's important to you, even if you're not in it.

Yeah, it is.

I'm not much of a mother, am I?

Yeah, maybe I'm not much of a son, but we're all we've got.

You've got makeup on your face.

You've been hugging those good -looking chicks again, haven't you?

You got it. What do you say we find that cap?

Well, is that the finale?

Oh, that's right.

I'll find the cab.

You go back in there and be my representative.

You can handle it.

Yeah, I can.

But we'll do it our way, Mom.

It's going to be our finale.

Right.

It should be yours.

Hey kiddo, break a leg.