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[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[instrumental "Here Comes The Bride"]

[music continues]

Did you see that, uncle?

Did you see the way he looked at that bridesmaid?

Oh, no, he was just looking around

and accidentally there was a bridesmaid.

- Why doesn't he look at me? - Oh, he has seen you.

[music continues]

Did you catch that? Flirting right up to the last minute.

Oh, don't be silly.

I'll never be able to trust that girl.

[slow instrumental music]

[no audio]

[slow instrumental music]

[no audio]

[instrumental music]

Oh, I won't need you anymore today, Thompson.

[inaudible chattering]

[instrumental music]

- Good morning, Mrs. Kent. - Oh, good morning, Charles.

We've booked passage for you and Mr. Kent

on the Southern Queen sailing next Tuesday.

Good. Did you get us a stateroom on the promenade deck?

Naturally, we've also arranged for your accommodations

in Rio, at the Hotel Atlántico.

- The presidential suite? - Of course.

- How do you do? - Good morning, Dudley.

Don't worry about a thing, when you arrive in Rio

our man will escort to the hotel.

Fine.

Uh-oh! Here she is again.

Take care of her, Dudley, in a nice way. I got stuck last time.

Quite a character. Comes in here every few months.

'Loads up on literature, plans elaborate tours.'

- Never goes on one of them. - Really?

Why is that?

Well, she's just a singer in a honky-tonk. Hasn't got a dime.

'Now, there are some papers here for you to sign, Mrs. Kent.'

- How do you do, Miss Garrett? - Oh, greetings, chum.

My, we haven't seen you...since, you didn't go to Switzerland.

Yeah, I gotta big kick out of planning that trip.

What looks good this time of the year?

How about The Canadian Rockies?

Canadian Rockies? Don't you remember?

- I already haven't been there. - Oh, of course, I'm sorry.

Oh, what about a cruise through the Canal

and return home by train from Los Angeles?

The Canal's for schmoes.

Come on, what really looks good?

Well, South America's getting a heavy play.

We have some literature on it if you'll just step over here.

- Sure. - 'Here are the papers.'

- Hello, Miss Garrett. - Hi.

"South America, the seat of ancient cultures.

"Museums, missions, archeological ruins abound."

South America.

[humming]

♪ You could tell by her mañana ♪

Mañana, that fractures me.

Hey, what has South America got besides romantic ruins?

Let's see, it says here

there are approximately four men to every woman--

That's enough. Doesn't hurt a girl to be outnumbered.

- Pardon me, Mrs. Kent. - Yes?

We're all set up to take your passport photo.

Oh, thank you. I'll be right in.

As long as I'm handy, I might as well have one taken too.

But, Miss Garrett, you've already

had seven passport pictures taken.

But never as a blond.

Are you going to tell your husband?

Oh, not yet. I want some time to prepare him for it. Well..

Now, before you go, there's just one more thing.

- Uncle. Uncle. - Yeah.

- What happened? - Do you see what I see?

- What do you see? - Isn't that Elvira down there?

Now, Michael, don't tell me you're still jealous of her.

Well, why did they raise the top?

I don't know. Maybe, they are afraid it will rain.

O-o-oh!

Let's face it, uncle. Elvira's a flirt, always has been.

Thought marriage would change her, but it hasn't.

Just the opposite, my boy.

When a woman is married she has to flirt twice as hard.

To prove she's still got it.

[typewriter clanking]

Yes?

- Yes what? - Whom do you wish to see?

Mr. Michael Kent.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Mr. Kent's secretary.

Oh, since when?

Since 9 o'clock this morning.

- Who are you? - Mrs. Michael Kent.

Since three years ago.

Oh, really?

Why do you say, "Oh, really"?

Well, I didn't know Mr. Kent was married.

Well, you've only been here since 9 o'clock.

He couldn't have gotten very far in the story of his life.

Shall I announce you to Mitch? uh, I mean, Mr. Kent?

Ah, never mind.

I'll just walk in on Mr. Ke.. I mean, Michael.

- Hello. - Oh, hello, darling.

- Your hat's on crooked. - It's supposed to be that way.

Oh, is it?

Looks very cute. Very cute.

We'll take care of that a little later.

Uh, who was that you just drove up with?

Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't see me.

Well, it was an automobile salesman.

Two of you looked so chummy, I'm sure he was an old friend.

He was showing me how the car worked.

You didn't tell me you were getting a new car.

You didn't tell me you were getting a new secretary.

Where did she come from?

Oh, from the Acme Secretarial School, I suppose.

By the time we get back from South America

she'll be able to type with all 10 fingers.

Oh, South America. Oh..

- What's the matter, dear? - Oh, nothing, nothing.

Oh, excuse me.

- Mr. Kent, you wanted to see-- - Fine, fine.

Put them on the chain. I Want all in America to smell good.

- Yes, sir. - Oh, ah..

Michael, every time you say, "Oh, uh, um" like that

I know there's something on your mind and not in your throat.

- What about our trip? - Well, darling, this is it.

I'm afraid we're going to have to postpone it again.

Postpone it? Why?

Business. Something came up this morning--

About 9 o'clock this morning?

Yes, yes, about 9.

Phone call from the West. Great chance for a merger.

Listen, marriage is a merger too, you know.

- And a darned important one. - I know, I know.

If we grab the Great Western Drug Company

every hot-water bottle in our nation will have our name on it.

That's a comfort.

Tell J.B. to put the hot water bottles on the national network.

You wanted me to remind you of your lunch appointment.

Oh, yes, yes, thank you, Miss Medwick. Bye-bye, dear.

May see you at dinner. Glad you see it my way.

Miss Medwick, bring your notebook.

This is not only lunch, it's business.

[dramatic music]

- Would you please sign these? - Oh, yes, yes.

Mm...that's a wonderful perfume.

Don't believe we carry that in our stores.

Would you mind telling me what it is?

It's called Tonight or Never.

It's your passport photo.

A messenger just brought it from the Baker Travel Agency.

A lot of good it'll do me now.

- We'd better put it in stock. - Oh, yes, sir.

If you don't want it, I'd be glad to keep it as a souvenir.

'You're sweet.'

Excuse me.

- Would you mind finishing? - Oh.

- Hello, dear. - Hello, Uncle Lazlo.

Your-your hat's on crooked.

- It's supposed to be that way. - Oh.

I guess you heard Michael cannot go to South America.

Uncle Lazlo, couldn't you handle this deal yourself?

No, darling, I cannot do anything without Michael.

I am the President of the company, but he is my..

My brains in the drugstore business.

When I started in this business nobody was helping me.

'No. I was a soda jerker.'

Pssh.

I was such a thin boy, my boss was such a guy.

One mistake, I got a punch in the nose.

But now it is different.

I am the success, so he does all the work.

No, no, no, I cannot let Michael go, not for a day.

'He's the great business head.'

I didn't marry Mike for his business head.

He's so attractive, but he's such a wolf.

Uncle Lazlo, don't you think it's a little strange

that this business deal should pop up

the same morning he hires a beautiful new secretary?

I know what you are insinuating, but you are 90 percent wrong.

Oh...what about the other 10 percent?

Oh, well, I'm not saying that

Michael has not looked at another woman.

Who hasn't? I have looked at women.

And the few that looked back, I married.

That cured me of looking.

I will tell you what, I still like women

but I-I stopped looking.

Well, that isn't me.

Is there a phone number on the back? Let me see.

- A nice girl. - Thought you'd stopped looking.

Why, I know who that is. That's that girl in the agency.

She's quite a character.

Elvira, dear, why not forget about Michael

and take this trip yourself, why?

And leave him here with a free hand? Oh, no.

Don't be silly.

Even if you were here, if Michael wanted to play around

in a city like New York, with a little caution.

If he thought I was away, he wouldn't bother

about being careful.

How I'd love to go to South America and catch Michael here.

My dear niece, not only is it impossible

but it cannot be done.

Uncle.

- What? - I think I have an idea.

What? What idea?

Get me the Baker Travel Agency

and I wanna speak to Charles, please.

Uncle, we're going nightclubbing tonight.

Night-nightclubbing?

Hello, Charles. This is Mrs. Kent.

[instrumental music]

- Uncle. Uncle. - 'Yes?'

This is the girl.

I hope you know what you are doing.

Waiter, have you a table for two?

Sorry, no formal dress allowed.

Why?

Makes the customers feel uncomfortable.

Oh, makes them uncomfortable.

And how much makes them comfortable?

You rich guys think that money can buy anything.

How right you are.

Nobody would ever suspect you love music.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

That ought to prove I'm not rude.

We now present our singing star, an Oscar Farrar discovery

trained by Oscar Farrar and appearing here

through the courtesy of Oscar Farrar.

Incidentally, my name is Oscar.

Seems to escape me for the moment.

Miss Georgia Garrett.

[crowd clapping]

[piano music]

[crowd whistling]

(male #1) Hi, baby.

♪ Although I'm smitten ♪

♪ I've never written ♪

♪ Any poetry at all ♪

♪ Not even the kind that you usually find ♪

♪ On a schoolhouse wall ♪

♪ The poems that I've composed ♪

♪ I could never win a cup with ♪

♪ After trying and trying And trying and trying ♪

♪ This is what I came up with ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love...with...you ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ In love ♪

So she's in love.

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ With ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love...with...you ♪

- What's the name of that song? - I'm in Love.

Did I do right by you?

You always do. All this is beneath me.

Why don't you marry me so I can quit this job.

I'm getting little tired of turning you down.

Marry me and get yourself a dependent. I'm deductible.

Oscar, you're a sweet kid, but just a little offensive.

I wanted to marry a girl who could tune a piano on the side.

Once and for all, will you marry me?

- Answer yes or no. - No.

We'll continue this discussion later.

Will you see me home?

Hey, Georgia, a couple of income-tax evaders.

Want you to have a drink with them. Table seven.

I'll drink with them. Autographs are out of the question.

- Okay. - Captain, did they ask for me?

No one ever asks for you.

How did a sweet kid like you ever get into this racket?

- Ah! - Yah!

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hi.

Miss Garrett, I'm Elvira Kent.

- This is my uncle, Lazlo Lazlo. - Hello.

If he isn't your uncle, is that my business?

You can believe me, she's my niece.

I have experiences in nieces.

- Won't you sit down? - Don't be surprised if I do.

That's cute.

We ordered champagne cocktails if it is alright with you.

So I'm stuck with it.

Say, haven't I seen you someplace?

Baker Travel Agency.

And what's more they sent me your passport photo by mistake.

Of course, the schmoes, they sent me yours.

It's in my dressing room, want it?

- There's no hurry. - You can keep mine.

- I'm not going anyplace. - Well, neither am I.

- Did you run out of money too? - Oh, no.

My niece can't run out of money.

I am the owner of one of the greatest drugstore chains.

When I came in this country I was a soda jerker.

'I was such a thin boy, my boss was such a guy..'

One mistake, I got a punch in the nose.

No, no.

- 'Miss Garrett.' - Listening.

How would you like to go to South America after all?

How would I like to go to..?

- Oh, you mean as a stowaway? - No.

In a first class cabin, all expenses paid

and $1000 spending money.

What radio program do you two represent and how did I win it?

Oh, nothing to do with radio or contests

or anything like that. No.

What's the catch? There must be a catch.

- There is. - Mm.

You see, you have to travel under my name.

Under your name? You tired of it?

No. You see, I'm married and--

Oh, ashamed of it.

No.

Miss Garrett, I don't trust my husband.

Natch.

If he thought I was in South America

then he'd play around quite openly and--

And she would be here to catch him.

Well, why not let him play around?

Keeps them off the streets.

Please. This is a legitimate offer.

'Yes, it is.'

Do you mean after all these years of planning and dreaming

and never getting out of Far Rockaway..

You mean this thing is just gonna fall right in my lap?

'Right in your laps.'

Well, what am I asking questions for?

Lady, have you got yourself a deal.

- Oh, good. - Let's drink to that.

Wonderful. A votre santé.

- A votrewhat? - A votre santé.

- What's that mean? - Your health.

Mine's fine, thanks. How's yours?

Don't pack that. I'll need that in New York.

- Beg pardon? - I won't be using it in Rio.

You can stop packing, Marie.

- Hello, darling. - Hello.

I'll be finished with the merger soon then I can go with you.

Huh!

I'll be finished in a few days. Aren't you happy?

Uh, Oh, yes, I certainly am.

It's just that it interferes with all my plans.

Plans? What plans?

Her boat leaves tomorrow and not in a few days, you know.

Oh, another one leaves Saturday. I looked it up, only 96 hours.

But- But- But, darling, you can't complete

a decent merger in 96 hours.

She's right, if you should mess up this deal

you'll-you'll never forgive yourself.

- Yes, I will. - Then I'll never forgive you.

[phone ringing]

- Oh, the phone. - Look, darling, this is..

Hello. Oh, hello, G-G-Georgia.

I can't talk to you now, I'm in a terrible hurry.

I'll see you on the boat. Goodbye, Georgia.

Who's this you'll see on the boat? George who?

George who? Oh, George who?

Oh, not George who, Georgia. Just a girlfriend of mine.

But no, darling, you stay here and take care of your affairs.

Well, this seems very funny to me.

Very funny that you can't wait till Saturday.

Only four days.

Don't you think it's funny, uncle?

No, it isn't funny at all.

Not to you because you have no feelings of such matters.

What? I have no feeling? You have no feeling.

You are just talking, talking, don't know what about.

She cannot postpone her trip.

The whole thing is settled with Georgia.

What's settled with Georgia? Say, who is this Georgia?

You see, you haven't the faintest notion.

Georgia is the girl who has to...sh..

- You are driving me crazy. - Oh.

Elvira, don't you think you owe me an explanation?

[indistinct]

I can't hear a word you're saying.

The shower's making too much noise. Just what are you up to?

'I can't talk to you right now.'

I want one reason, at least one good reason

why you have to go off by yourself.

'I can't talk to you right now.'

Well, If I can't hear you, at least let me see you.

[instrumental music]

Now, are you gonna wait for me? Yes or no?

- Oh, hello. - Come in.

Excuse me, are you Peter Virgil?

I am.

- Peter Virgil, the detective? - Yes.

Oh, a client of mine suspects that his wife

is slowly poisoning him and I was just examining the evidence.

No, there's no poison. It could stand a little sugar though.

Excuse me. See I..

I figure as long as there's no poison, why

I might as well drink it.

- Join me in a cup of evidence? - Oh, no, no, thanks.

Well, sit down. What can I do for you?

Well, you'll excuse me for being blunt, Mr. Virgil.

Tell me, Mr. Virgil.

- Are you a good detective? - Oh, naturally.

Where did you get your training?

In the Army. Intelligence G-2.

Well, were you good at your job?

We won the war, didn't we?

Before that I was a vaudeville hoofer

professional wrestler and a magician's assistant.

So you can see, I'm a man of wide experience, Mr..?

Kent. Michael Kent.

You see how I wormed that name out of you?

Uh, Mr. Virgil, I'm here on a very delicate matter.

- I suppose you're married? - Yes.

I know what I'm doing is not quite the right thing--

But you suspect your wife is doing is even worse?

The fact of the matter is, Mr. Virgil, uh, my wife

is leaving day after tomorrow on a South American cruise.

Well, she insists on going without me.

Hm. To a man of your suspicious nature

that means only one thing another man on the boat.

See, I don't know. I want you to find out.

You've come to the right man. I've handled so many cases. I--

[phone ringing]

Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, yes, how are you?

Well, certainly I shadowed your wife.

I hate to tell you this, but you were right.

She's been two-timing you.

[thudding]

Hello? Hello?

He fainted.

Sometimes there's a shot.

Now, where were we?

Mr. Virgil, I want you to get on the same boat and shadow her.

I'll have to leave all of my business.

I'll make it up to you.

I can tell you right now, it'll cost you $ 1000 a week.

Well, that's a little steep, isn't it, old boy?

Yes, yes, it is, but I'll probably get seasick.

Well, alright, alright. I'll book your passage.

Now, move your chair little closer, will you?

There's a little confidential information I must have.

[phone ringing]

Oh, excuse me. Hello.

[gunshot on telephone]

Well, what do you know?

He didn't even wait for me to tell him.

[violin music]

'It still isn't too late, darling.'

Can't you wait just two or three weeks?

Don't be ridiculous. Here I am, we're sailing any minute.

I can get you off the boat in a while.

Please don't worry about me. I'll be back soon.

Yeah, I know. I'm gonna miss you so much.

Well, just have the feeling that I'm always near you.

I'll try, and darling, I want you to remember

that wherever you are I'll be watching over you.

Oh, what a lovely sentiment.

Oh, isn't that the warning whistle?

Well, I didn't hear anything. Did you, uncle?

The whistle? Yes, sure I heard. I still hear it.

- Well, goodbye, darling. - Goodbye.

Have fun.

'Come along, uncle.'

- Well, goodbye, darling. - Goodbye. Goodbye.

[fog horn blaring]

I didn't lie, just the whistle is a little late.

I understand anybody running away from me

but not on such an elaborate scale.

It was very sweet of you to come, Oscar. Goodbye.

I'll give you one more chance. Where did you get the money?

- I told you. - You didn't tell me anything.

I told you I couldn't tell you.

You treat me like an empty suit.

- Are you going with somebody? - Oscar, I'm traveling alone.

That's no fun. Won't let you do this.

It's not only walking out on your job and me.

Once you go away you cut down my list of friends a 100 percent.

- Think of that. - I have thought about it.

That's the gratitude I get.

I taught you everything, gave you a career, picked you

when you worked for $45 a week and gave you job at the club.

At a snappy 40 a week.

You can't expect to start at the top.

Although I've often wondered why not.

Oscar, you better go. I've many things to do before we sail.

I know when I'm not wanted.

It happens to me constantly.

'Oscar.'

Aren't you gonna kiss me?

I don't know how. Will you show me?

You don't know how either.

B flat, that's your key.

Don't forget to put your shoes in front of the cabin at night.

- Be sure to write. - I will.

You sure you're not going with somebody?

Goodbye, Oscar.

You're sure everything's gonna be alright?

Now don't worry about a thing.

I want you to write me every chance you get.

If what I have to report can't go through the mails.

I-I'll phone you.

- Alright. - I've had a lot of these case.

- I hope I'm doing is alright. - Yes, you're alright.

- Everything's alright. - Okay.

- Oh, excuse me. - Sorry.

- Should I wait for you? - No, you go with Michael.

Because he might get suspicious, you know.

- That's right. - Come in.

- All clear? - Yes, nobody here but my uncle.

And I am practically gone already.

Have a nice trip, my da.. Oh, pardon me.

You have a.. Oh, excuse me.

- See you later. - Yes, alright.

- Good luck to you. - Thank you, bye.

- Goodbye. - You alright?

Oh, you don't know what a tough time

I had getting rid of my boyfriend.

I'm beat.

Uh, Georgia...I mean, Elvira.

'Cause That's gonna be your name for few months.

Please be careful of your speech.

Mrs. Kent may be fatigued, but she's never beat.

Okay, I'm fatigued, but my feet hurt.

Michael.

Michael.

I-I thought I lost you.

Well, you see, I was just seeing a friend

about some business in South America.

Goodbye, Georgia. Best of luck to you. Have a wonderful trip.

Thanks.

Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you, I over-tip

- Okay. It's your money. - That's right.

Now let me see, checked the passenger list.

Nobody knows me.

So far so good.

Now here..

...I've written several letters to my husband

addressed from various ports.

Please be sure to mail them one by one at each place you stop.

That ought to convince him I'm traveling.

It's a cinch.

Well, goodbye again and good luck to you.

- Thanks. - Oh.

I almost forgot the most important thing.

How do you feel about men?

They're grand. I mean, they're the most important thing.

But with your figure and my name

the men will be flocking after you.

Say, that's happened to me plenty under my own name.

Well, just remember, while your lips are being kissed

it's my reputation that's suffering.

- I'll make a note of that. - Good.

[fog horn blaring]

Oh, dear, I'm liable to be trapped on the boat.

- Well, goodbye, Georgia. - Goodbye.

I hope you make me very proud of me.

- I'll try. - Oh.

Do me a favor, have a wonderful time.

But please stay in your cabin as much as possible

and as alone as possible.

I'll make a note of that too and underline it.

Good, Bye.

All ashore that's going ashore.

What's the matter with you?

- What's the matter with you? - I think I-I forget.

- Forget what? - I for..

Nothing at all.

I think I get seasick.

The ship isn't even moving.

Why didn't you tell me that?

Late for work, aren't you?

Could you tell me what table Mrs. Elvira Kent has reserved?

Table 64. Is that where you're stationed?

- What do you mean by stationed? - Aren't you a new waiter?

Me? Certainly not. I'm a passenger.

In fact, I've got one of the most luxurious cabins on the boat.

- Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. - You should.

If I were not a headwaiter, I'd be flustered.

What gave you the idea I was working here?

It was a natural mistake.

You see, onboard, no one dresses the first night out.

Oh, well, it's good enough for you. It' is good enough for me.

- Ah! - Oh, I'm so sorry.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Hey, my dear young lady. - Yes?

I advise you to go to your cabin and get out of your clothes.

- I beg your Pardon? - Don't go there.

- You'll be embarrassed. - Embarrassed? Why?

Well, nobody dresses the first night out.

They don't?

Even if it's chilly?

This I gotta see.

Oh, huh.

You mean nobody dresses up.

Of course. Didn't you know that?

Then what are you doing in that monkey suit?

Well, confidentially, this is my first boat trip too.

- Really? - Yes.

My dear man, I've been on more world

cruises than you could shake a stick at.

Compared to my other

gowns, I don't consider this very formal. That's all.

- Is that so? - Hmm.

Well, if you don't consider that formal

I, I'd like to see the rest of your wardrobe.

Mrs. Elvira Kent.

In particular, I have one little item

that's backless, strapless.

(Waiter) 'Mrs. Elvira Kent.'

Oh, my goodness. Mrs. Elvira Kent, that's me.

Hey, boy.

- Are you Mrs. Kent? - Natch. I mean, naturally.

- Radiogram. - Oh, thank you.

- Just a moment. - May I?

Oh, I'll take care of it. Thank you.

Thank you.

- Thank you. - That's alright.

I'm told I over-tip.

- Really? - Hm.

- Would you excuse me, please? - Yes, certainly.

"Don't dress first night out." Now she tells me.

Now that I know your name, it's fair that you should know mine.

- It's Immaterial. - Well, it's Peter Virgil.

I was wondering, if you're as hungry as Mr. Virgil.

I could eat a cow.

Well, then our dress not withstanding

will you have dinner with me?

If I'm overdressed, I might as well overeat.

Unless you've some other dinner engagement?

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, now, surely you must have some friends onboard.

Hey, well, I don't mean male friends.

I mean, girlfriends often go on cruises together.

- I don't know a soul here. - Huh?

Except Mr. Peter Virgil.

Well then, chin up, eyes straight ahead

and what care we if the peasants stare.

Carry on.

Oh, waiter.

Come here. Table for two, please.

I'm very sorry, the dining room's just been closed.

What? First you Ritz me.

Then you try to starve two perfectly good paying customers.

Aye, aye, the man is only doing his duty.

After all, it's our fault that we dawdled.

- Did we dawdle? - Mm-hm.

Just the same, thanks ever so.

Why don't you try the cocktail lounge?

The pretzels are delicious.

That's an excellent suggestion. I'm famished.

- More pretzels, please. - More pretzels. Yes, sir.

Yes, thank you.

Tell me, Mr. Virgil, what business are you in?

I stick my nose into other people's business.

- You know, retired. - Retired? Retired from what?

I-I made my fortune in the entertainment business.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hm.

I invented a new system clearing audiences out of theaters.

- You're cute. - Thank you.

- You know something? - What?

I've had a secret ambition to be a singer.

Is that so? Most singers have ambitions to be society dames.

I don't see why you're wasting your time with a married woman

when there're so many attractive single girls.

Oh, yes, yes.

But the single girls are looking for husbands.

and the married ones are running away from their husbands.

I'd rather be with those running than with those looking.

But don't you want to be married?

Well, most husbands I know speak very poorly of marriage.

What, do you think of your marriage?

Would you believe? I haven't felt married for a minute.

- A very unusual marriage. - It certainly is.

I think we had quite enough dinner, thank you.

What would you like to do now?

I wish I could.

[instrumental music]

Isn't that lovely?

- Hello. - Good evening.

- Oh, and you do sing? - A little.

- You know this song? - Yes.

Could you raise it a little, please?

- Sure. - B flat, fellas.

♪ It's you or no one for me ♪

♪ I'm sure of this each time we kiss ♪

♪ The lady's in love ♪

♪ Now and forever and when forever's done ♪

♪ You'll find that you are still the one ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ The lady said please ♪

♪ Don't say no to my please ♪

♪ 'Cause if you do ♪

♪ Then I'm all through ♪

♪ There's this about you ♪

♪ My world's an empty world without you ♪

♪ It's you or no one ♪

♪ She don't want no one ♪

♪ It's you or no one for me ♪

♪ Tu-tu ru-ru do-ra do ♪

♪ Tu-tu ru-ru do-ra do ♪

♪ Baby you're the one for me ♪

[audience clapping]

I shouldn't have done that.

I promise not to report to the social register.

I'm bored with it, strictly entre nous.

I wish I didn't have to keep up appearances always.

I'm tired of pretending too. Let's let our hair down.

Let's follow our impulses and make this a real vacation.

I think you've got something there.

- May I? - Of course.

Anything above the third rib I consider formal.

- Uh, Mrs. Kent? - Yes?

- I mean, Elvira. - Yes?

- May I see you at your cabin? - Well, that--

- For you, Mrs. Kent. - Thank you.

- Would you tip him, please? - Yes.

- I over tip. - Oh, of course. That's right.

Well?

No, thank you, Mr. Virgil. I'll find my way alone.

So nice meeting you. Good night.

[fog horn blaring]

[birds chirping]

[Avon Long singing "The Tourist Trade"]

♪ The tourist trade, the tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, it's all for the tourist trade ♪

♪ We never sunbathe tell you why ♪

♪ It's atmosphere for the passerby ♪

♪ To find us asleep in the shade ♪

♪ It's so very necessary ♪

♪ Aye, the tourist trade ♪

♪ The tourist trade, the tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, it's all for the tourist trade ♪

♪ Our souvenirs are all foreign bought ♪

♪ They come from some place called Terre Haute ♪

♪ We can't sell a thing that we've made ♪

♪ Please, no arguin' It's a bargain ♪

♪ Aye, the tourist trade ♪

♪ Habana is Havana ♪

♪ They murder the language ♪

♪ But we love 'em We want more of 'em ♪

♪ The Yankee dollar ain't hay ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ The tourist trade, the tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, it's all for the tourist trade ♪

♪ If you're romantic The Cuban stars ♪

♪ Are made to order for soft guitars ♪

♪ You must fall in love when they're played ♪

♪ They inspire They're for hire ♪

♪ Aye, aye, the tourist trade ♪

♪ Habana ♪

That's Havana.

♪ They murder the language ♪

♪ But we love 'em We want more of 'em ♪

♪ The Yankee dollar ain't hay ♪

Hey, hey.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ The tourist trade, the tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, it's all for the tourist trade ♪

♪ If you're romantic The Cuban stars ♪

♪ Made to order for soft guitars ♪

♪ You must fall in love when they're played ♪

♪ They inspire They're for hire ♪

♪ Aye, aye, the tourist trade ♪

♪ It's a settin' Past forgettin' ♪

♪ Once you see it You'll agree ♪

♪ It's all, all for the tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, aye, aye ♪

♪ Aye.. ♪

♪ Aye, I love that stuff ♪

♪ Aye, aye, aye ♪

Hello, New York?

Havana calling, Mr. Michael Kent.

Plaza 43444.

Desires to reverse charges.

Reverse charges?

Oh, just one moment, please.

Havana calling, Mr. Kent. Wishes to reverse the charges.

Oh. Oh, yes. I'll accept it.

Hello.

Yes, yes I'll accept the charges.

Hello. Who?

It's me, Peter Virgil.

We're in Havana for a few hours I called to give you the news.

'Yes, yes, of course. Well, what is the news?'

- No news. - 'What do you mean, no news?'

She hasn't even looked at another man.

Professionally, I'm very disappointed.

Well, personally, I'm not.

You mean she really hasn't spoken to another man?

Well, she's spoken to me.

What? You two know each other already?

'Well, naturally, I had to make her acquaintance.'

Well, uh, was it difficult?

Tell me, uh, who spoke first?

I did. Look, don't worry.

The slogan of my firm is "Never kiss a client's wife."

Well, don't change slogans in mid-ocean.

- Hello, is this Mrs. Kent? - 'Yes.'

It is? Well, this is Mrs. Elvira Kent speaking.

Oh, excuse me, this is Georgia, Georgia Garrett.

I'm taking my work seriously, I already don't know who I am.

Good. Have you been sticking close to your cabin?

'Have I? I've only spoken to one man, and he's harmless, quite.'

I thought I warned you about that.

I figured that if I don't speak to any men at all

it's sure to attract attention.

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Kent, I know it's none of my business

Have you got anything on your husband?

I'm afraid his conduct has been impeccable.

- Oh, caught him with the goods? - He's been behaving himself.

Oh, too bad.

Maybe he'll do something un-impeccable before I come back.

Well, goodbye. And look, keep in touch with me, will you?

Okay. Goodbye.

Oh, I thought you were waiting outside.

Well, I-I suddenly remembered I had to call New York.

- Girlfriend, huh? - No, no, business. And you?

I was calling New York too.

Boyfriend, huh?

Better than a boyfriend. My husband.

What? You mean, you were talking to your husband just now?

I just hung up.

- Does that surprise you? - Yes, it certainly does. I..

Poor darling. He was home waiting for my call.

He's quite a treasure. I'll send him a letter.

Don't you have to write it first?

Oh, no, I'm way ahead on my letter writing.

Bless his heart.

Look, do you see a doorway over there?

Sure.

- Do you hear somebody singing? - Sure.

Huh, well, then I guess I'm not crazy.

Shall we absorb some of the local color?

Let's.

- Eh, table for two, please. - Senor.

[singing in Spanish]

Bring us a couple of drinks of something tall and cool.

- Oh, Havana. Isn't it romantic? - You know, you amaze me.

You've made this trip a 100 times.

You make it sound like it's your first

- You know what my secret is? - No, what?

- No. - No, come on, tell me.

Well, I keep telling myself this is my first trip.

[sighs]

[singing continues]

Pedro, you must teach me that song.

[speaking in Spanish]

Si, si.

Oh, you speak Spanish.

[speaking in Spanish]

It's just like a native.

We have many requests for this song. I have English lyrics.

- Oh, thank you. - Will be 25 cents, please.

The tourist trade. Aye, the tourist trade.

[both humming] La, la, ri, ri, ri..

[Doris Day singing "It's Magic"]

♪ You sigh, the song begins ♪

♪ You speak and I hear violins ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ The stars desert the skies ♪

♪ And rush to nestle in your eyes ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Without a golden wand ♪

♪ Or mystic charms ♪

♪ Fantastic things begin ♪

♪ When I am in your arms ♪

♪ When we walk hand in hand ♪

♪ The world becomes a wonderland ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ How else can I explain those rainbows ♪

♪ When there is no rain ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Why do I tell myself ♪

♪ These things that happen ♪

♪ Are all really true ♪

♪ When in my heart I know the magic ♪

♪ Is my love for you ♪

Gee, now, that's a beautiful song.

♪ It's magic ♪

There's something about the way you sing

I don't know, it-it does something to me.

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Why do I tell myself ♪

♪ These things that happen ♪

♪ Are all really true ♪

♪ When in my heart I know the magic ♪

♪ Is my love for you ♪

[fog horn blaring]

[horse galloping]

- Here you are. - Gracias.

Will you have dinner with me tonight?

Why not? We've had it together every night so far.

- Just a moment, sir. - I gotta catch that boat.

Your tickets.

What? Don't you trust me?

Your table or mine?

Say, I've got an idea. What about table nine?

- Table nine? - That's in a nice dark corner.

- Georgia. - Huh?

What's the matter?

- Nothing. - Huh?

I'm gonna be ready, I'd better start dressing.

- What's the hurry? - I'll see you later.

- I'm-I'm-- - I'll see you later.

(Oscar) Georgia.

[upbeat music]

May I help you, sir?

Well, you're not exactly my type, but you can take my bags.

- Good evening, Madame. - Good evening.

Did you give the message to Mr. Virgil?

Yes, I told him that you weren't having dinner this evening..

...because you were indisposed.

- Thank you. - Yes, Madame.

Did you bring a little herring?

Yes, Madame. Marinated.

The purse is right over there, help yourself.

It's alright, I over tip.

Thank you so much, ma'am.

[knock on the door]

Who is it?

It's me, Peter. How do you feel?

Terrible. Just terrible.

'We'll fix you right up. I-I brought a doctor.'

I don't need a doctor. I want to be left alone.

But I can't stand in this passageway all night, lady.

It's drafty, and I'm-I'm catching cold.

Take two aspirins and go to bed.

'Thank you very much, good idea. I'll do that.'

'But-But first, I'll have to examine you.'

It might be something contagious, you know.

'Alright, doctor. Just a minute.'

[faintly] Come in.

You better stay outside. We don't want to start an epidemic.

[coughing]

[Georgia moaning]

Ah, now, tell me, where does it hurt?

Everywhere.

Oh, well, then, I suppose we should start looking someplace.

- Uh-huh. - Yes, let me see your tongue.

- Oh! - What's the matter?

I get dizzy when I bend. I must be coming down with something.

Oh, thank you very much, yes. Oh, may I feel your pulse?

Yes. Ah, you might as well feel mine.

Uh-huh? Oh!

If you'd be so kind. Thank you.

Yes, your pulse is normal.

- Yours is fast. - I was sure of it.

Well, I suppose I ought to tap something.

- Here - Oh, thank you so much.

[hiccup]

- Now say, "Ah." - Ah.

Ah!

- My diagnosis was correct. - What do you recommend, doctor?

- A sea voyage. - A sea--

Oh, we're on one, aren't we? I'm so sorry. How silly of me.

I'll give you an injection and put you to sleep.

'That shouldn't do you any harm.'

Will it hurt, doctor?

Well, it shouldn't

but I'm, uh, a bit clumsy, you know.

Couldn't I just read myself to sleep?

No, I'm afraid not. Now, just one moment.

Ah!

Oh, I feel faint.

Who got jabbed, me or you?

I seem to smell food odors.

'That's always a bad sign.'

'And herring too.'

Why do I smell herring?

I guess there's a school of herring following the ship.

No, no, not marinated herring.

Oh, I don't feel so hot.

I think I better be going.

[coughing]

- 'Goodnight, doctor.' - Goodnight.

- And I hope I sleep well. - 'I hope so.'

- Well, doctor? - Yes, she'll live.

But I can't make any prediction about myself.

Would you mind helping me to my cabin?

Not at all. Is something wrong?

Thank you very much. I don't feel so good. I sort of..

Oh, mess boy.

I'm the purser. What can I do for you?

There's something wrong with your passenger list.

You haven't got a Miss Georgia Garrett listed.

- What was that name again? - Georgia Garrett.

Georgia as in marching through. Garrett as in starving in.

I'm sorry, if she isn't listed, she's not onboard.

Don't be coy. I've been chasing her all over the ship.

Tell me, do you know this tomato?

Why, certainly. This toma..

This lady is Mrs. Michael Kent.

Oh, she's Mrs. Kent now.

And what is Mrs. Kent's stateroom?

Twenty-three, B deck.

Thank you and take the next two weeks off.

Sure. What?

I haven't eaten all day.

[knocking]

(Georgia) 'Come in.'

Oscar, how'd you get on this boat?

- I lied about my age. - You chooch!

- You followed me here, huh? - That's right.

I was sitting alone in a restaurant

the waiter put down a check and you weren't there to pick it up.

Oscar, please go away.

Incidentally, I picked up your last two paychecks.

It was barely enough to pay for my plane ticket.

Didn't leave me enough to buy you a present.

I feel like a cad.

You crook. You can go to jail for that.

Marry me. You won't have to testify against me.

I'm so sleepy.

And you know I don't love you.

I don't know whether to believe what I'm hearing

or what I'm feeling.

Where's the radio room?

- Top deck, sir, next to lounge. - Thanks.

I have all the seductive powers of a sedative.

You chooch.

[beeping]

Will you please send this radiogram at once?

And send it collect.

[slow-paced music]

Good morning.

Well, good morning.

Good morning. And I use the expression loosely.

- How are you? - I feel just fine.

I think you'd be interested to know I feel fine too.

I was sure you would.

I wanna thank you. You left me in good hands last night.

- Yes, yes, I-I saw as much. - That doctor sure gets results.

Of course, sometimes he needs help.

I mean that specialist that was called in on the case.

Specialist?

Can you explain why that man was in your cabin kissing you?

- No. - Well?

Well, can you explain why you were watching my cabin?

- No. - Well?

- Well, maybe.. - Maybe, what?

Well, maybe I'm narrow-minded.

But I don't like married women who play around with other men.

Would you feel different if it was you?

- That's beside the point. - It is, is it?

Yes, it is. Everything they've said about women like you

on boats with men like me turned out to be true.

Or don't you follow me?

I've wanted to, Peter, anywhere, anytime.

Well, don't.

- Peter, you can't mean that. - I ca..

I've only one thing to say to you, Mrs. Kent.

I would certainly hate to be...Mr. Kent.

You chooch!

[piano music]

- 'Good morning, madam.' - Good morning.

I'd like to get higher than a kite.

Yes, madam. What shall it be?

I don't know, I don't drink.

Well, how about cherry--

Never mind. I'll get my kicks my way. Just forget it.

- Hi, fellas. - Hi.

Why so glum?

I don't know. I'm in the mood, I guess.

- Bright or blue? - You start it, I'll finish it.

[Doris Day singing "Put 'Em In A Box, Tie 'Em With a Ribbon"]

♪ You can take the moon Gather up the stars ♪

♪ And the robins that sing merrily ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ You can take the flowers Down in Lovers' Lane ♪

♪ And that sentimental poetry ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Not for me, all that stuff ♪

♪ The dreams that ruin your sleep ♪

♪ Not for me had enough ♪

♪ Love is one thing you can keep ♪

♪ You can take the plans And the wedding bells ♪

♪ And whoever sings "Oh, Promise Me" ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ 'Cause love and I we don't agree ♪

♪ The hansoms through the park ♪

♪ The kisses in the dark ♪

♪ All the promises made faithfully ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ And you won't go wrong ♪

♪ If you take a song ♪

♪ Sung by Frankie Boy or Mr. C ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Not for me all that stuff ♪

♪ The dreams that ruin your sleep ♪

♪ Not for me Had enough ♪

♪ Love is one thing you can keep ♪

♪ In the icebox ♪

♪ You know what you can do ♪

♪ With good old tea for two ♪

♪ And the girl for you, the boy for me ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ Throw 'em in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ 'Cause love and I we don't agree ♪

♪ Ain't all ♪

♪ 'Cause love ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ And I we don't agree ♪

[clapping]

- Oh. Thanks, fellas. Excuse me. - That was fun.

- So, it's you. - I accept that as a greeting.

Very funny. Oscar, what do you want?

I'd like to get this Mrs. Michael Kent business straight.

Oh, please, why don't you go home?

I can't swim.

If you love me, you'll pretend not to know me.

I didn't come all this way and spend all your money

to pretend I don't know you.

Does that instrument interfere with your work?

[piano music]

You're in some kinda trouble, aren't you, honey?

The worst kind of trouble.

Oscar, I'm in love.

Don't you think you're being a little forward?

- Not with you. - That was a short romance.

It's all so complicated.

You remember the night at the club

when that classy couple asked me to have a drink?

'They turned out to be Elvira Kent and her uncle'

'head of a drugstore chain.'

'What a deal they threw my way.'

'A chance to cash in on all my dreams, so I accepted.'

'My first night onboard, I met him.'

'There must be something about salt air'

'he looked so wonderful to me.'

'By the time we reached Cuba, I was in love with him.'

'Head over heels, if you know what I mean.'

'Oh, Havana was heaven.'

'And all the time I had to pretend that'

'who I was, I wasn't.'

'This morning, what does he give me?'

The gate, hinges and all.

So here I am. He thinks I'm married.

If I kiss him, I lose him.

If I tell him the truth, who will he hate most?

A cheat or a phony?

I know you're a phony, I don't hate you.

You don't know what it's like to want someone

and not do anything about it.

Don't I? Oh, well.

Well, I'll just have to bury myself in my work.

[piano music]

Is that your "Brooklyn Rhapsody?"

Who said anything about Brooklyn?

It's now called "The Caribbean Rhapsody." I'm very adaptable.

- Have you finished it? - I don't want to.

People will like it, they'll make a fuss.

I'll have no time. I'll be the toast of the town.

Then what happens to that sweet boy we love?

Aren't you being modest? I have confidence in you.

Everybody has confidence in me. That's my trouble.

In high school, I was voted the boy most likely to succeed.

In college, they said I had a brilliant future.

I wonder whatever became of me.

[piano music]

[soft music]

[Doris Day singing "It's You Or No One"]

♪ It's you ♪

♪ Or no one for me ♪

♪ I'm sure of this ♪

♪ Each time we kiss ♪

♪ Now and forever ♪

♪ And when forever's done ♪

♪ You'll find that you ♪

♪ Are still the one ♪

♪ Please don't say no ♪

♪ To my plea ♪

♪ 'Cause if you do ♪

♪ Then I'm all through ♪

♪ There's this about you ♪

♪ My world's an empty world ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ It's you ♪

♪ Or no one for me ♪

[violin music]

It's magic.

You know, that's a mighty dangerous song.

And this night isn't helping any either.

It's one for the books.

Just like they said in the folder.

They didn't leave anything out tonight. Breeze, moon, stars.

And all working overtime.

Makes a man feel..

[sighs]

Wants a woman in his arms.

And...vice versa.

If only you weren't married.

How I wish I could tell you I wasn't.

If you weren't married, I'd take you in my arms.

- Like how? - Like this.

Then what?

On your lips, I'd-I'd plant a kiss.

Such as?

But then you-you have a husband.

And you have principles.

- Elvira. - Yes, Peter?

There's something I've gotta do. I can't help myself.

If you can't help yourself, you can't help yourself.

I gotta send a cablegram.

Another radiogram to be sent at once.

Send that one collect too.

You'll let me know how it comes out, won't you?

[crowd chattering]

Mrs. Kent, a message from Mr. Farrar.

Mrs. Kent, I have a message from Mr. Virgil.

I'm first. Mr. Farrar would like you to join him at the Flambio.

Mr. Virgil said he had to go ashore to make a call

and would you please meet him at the Flambio?

- Flambio? - Flambio.

♪ In Trinidad, in Trinidad ♪

♪ The women are good But the liquor is bad ♪

♪ In Trinidad, in Trinidad ♪

♪ The women are good But the liquor is bad ♪

- May we sing you a song? - Not about a good woman.

There's no such thing. Run when you see a pretty woman.

When you sing calypso, you don't say

"When you see a pretty woman." When you see a pretty woma-an.

- When you see a pretty woma-an? - That's right.

You sing, we'll follow you.

What can I lose that I haven't already lost?

[Jack Carson singing "Run, Run, Run"]

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Love is the common enemy ♪

♪ The moon and the stars are the artillery ♪

♪ When they attack, you'll find there's no retreat ♪

♪ You will lose your heart unless you use your feet ♪

♪ Oh, run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ I know a girl whose kiss was warm ♪

♪ I never thought that it could do me harm ♪

♪ There never was a better girl like her ♪

♪ But her husband was professional wrestler ♪

♪ Oh, run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Woman say come in out of rain ♪

♪ More better you stay out in the hurricane ♪

♪ You catch a cold but it is worth the pain ♪

♪ Better off catch cough than catch a ball and chain ♪

♪ Oh, run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Tropical heat is very bad ♪

♪ Has played dirty trick on many nice young lad ♪

♪ The brain go flip The heart is go flip-flop ♪

♪ Woman blow you kiss and then you blow your top ♪

♪ Oh, run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run When you see.. ♪

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry, didn't see you coming.

You go in after me, please. I insist, please.

- Alright, fine. - Thank you.

- You on the same boat? - Yeah, the Southern Queen.

Good evening. What is your pleasure?

- A double. - A double what?

Double anything.

- And you, sir? - The same.

[sighs] Women.

I agree with you a 100 percent.

They're a bad influence on a man.

Not only that, but they're habit-forming.

You know, I can't think of one single good thing

to say about them.

That's a mighty smooth drink.

[whistles] Another.

Me, too. Only this time, make mine a triple.

A triple, sir. Very good.

Who said, "You can't live with them, can't live without 'em?"

Probably the same guy who said, "More truth than poetry."

And I wouldn't care to meet either of them.

The cause of all human suffering, you know.

To think that we gave up a perfectly good rib.

And not that they appreciate it.

What does yours look like?

Well..

Funny, mine looks exactly the same.

Yeah?

- I drink to your woman. - I drink to yours.

- One more for me. - Aye, likewise.

I'm beginning to feel those two drinks.

Me too. I should've eaten before I came in.

Yeah, that's always a good idea.

Is yours a blond too?

This season. I've loved her as a brunette, a brownette

and a redhead.

A little peroxide will never come between us.

[laughing]

Speaking about figures, curves?

Curves?

When you put your arm around her waist, you gotta go into second.

- What color are her eyes? - Now, I never could tell.

Every time I look into them, I get dizzy.

My experience exactly.

Hey, we could be talking about the same girl.

What's your girl's name?

- Georgia. Georgia Garrett. - Georgia Garrett.

No, no, that's a different girl.

Mine is gonna be here any minute.

- I want you to meet her. - Mine will be here too.

(Peter) 'I bet they'll like each other at first sight.'

(Oscar) 'While waiting, do you wanna have another drink?'

Just the thing I say.

Fill her up again, bartender.

That is a wonderful suggestion.

I came through, didn't I?

Boy, you can say that again.

- I come through. - Yes, sir.

Of course, the rub is that mine is married.

How about yours, is yours a Mrs.?

At the moment no.

I don't know about you.

But I'm really getting a little high.

So am I. I don't know what he puts in those drinks.

But he's really won me over.

Dare we try another?

Second the motion.

[whistling]

'Coming right up.'

- 'Oh, waiter.' - Yes, miss.

Do you see those gentlemen at the far end of the bar?

Yes, miss.

Oh, would you be so kind and give them these messages?

Thank you.

(male #2) 'Here you are, gentlemen.'

- 'Keep the change.' - 'Thanks.'

I'm not leaving until I get this recipe.

Excuse me. The lady sent this.

The lady sent this.

What do you know, she's standing me up.

Yeah? Well, shake hands. Mine isn't coming down either.

I'll show her. I just might catch a plane to New York.

I ought to go to New York myself.

I'm not doing any good here. Mind if I go with you?

You got the price of two tickets?

- Oh, I got better than that. - In that case, be my guest.

Steady, steady, steady.

They'll never let us on that plane if we're drunk.

You know, these slanting floors will never be popular.

[slow-paced music]

Peter.

Peter.

Good morning, Mr. Virgil, it's 9:15.

Lovely day, temperature normal.

Hey, you, you've had your beauty rest.

Come on, get..

Madam, are you looking for the gentleman?

Do you know where he is?

He didn't return to the ship, madam.

We received a radiogram from him and Mr. Farrar.

- Mr. Farrar too? - Yes, madam.

They were taking a plane to New York

and wanted us to forward their baggage.

[clears throat]

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, madam.

(female #1) 'Fasten your safety belts, please.'

'Fasten your safety belts, please.'

Sorry, sir, but will you fasten your safety belt, please?

Yeah, sure.

We're landing in Rio in a few minutes.

What? Where did you say?

- Rio. - Hey, Peter, wake up.

- Wha-what? - Wake up.

Hey, one thing I'll say about that Trinidad liquor.

- Not a sign of a hangover. - Maybe this will bring it on.

That stewardess says we're landing in Rio.

Rio?

She's probably not used to flying. That's all.

Would you mind looking out the window?

[instrumental music]

Did you ask for tickets to New York?

I certainly did. In my best Spanish too.

But the official language in Trinidad is English.

Huh?

You suppose that had anything to do with it?

[music continues]

These all the passengers from the Southern Queen?

No, there is another car coming.

Cigarette?

Be my guest but don't run into too much dough.

After you.

Thank you.

Can we check right now? Here's the bulletin board.

Due today, Southern Queen.

We better go claim our baggage before they ship it to New York.

You go, will you? My girl's onboard.

Don't want her thinking I'm running after her.

My girl's onboard too. Let's make them suffer.

(male #3) 'Calling Mr. Virgil.'

- Hey. - Calling Mr. Virgil.

Virgil, that's me.

Pardon, Mr. Virgil, there is a phone call

for you from New York.

Take it on the house phones.

New York?

New York?

Tell them to transfer

my unemployment insurance down here.

(Peter) 'Hello?'

Hello. Hello, Virgil?

Uh, uh, uh-huh.

'Well? What's happened?'

Well, how've you been? How's the weather up there?

Listen, I didn't call you 5000 miles

to discuss the weather.

As a matter of fact, it's a nice day here.

'It's a nice day here too.'

Never mind that.

Why haven't you called me in all this time?

Well, that's because I didn't want

to give you the bad news.

'Bad news?'

What's the bad news?'

Hold on for a minute, something new has just developed.

Elvira.

Peter.

Hello?

Hello?

I don't know what--

Darling, how silly for you to run away.

Think of the time we've wasted--

Took those few days for me to realize

that you don't love your husband.

Not another word about my husband.

Would it be wrong if I said I loved you?

It'd be wrong if you didn't.

Aren't you gonna introduce me?

Darling.

Always thinking of your own selfish pleasures.

I'll try the other shoulder.

Oh, darling.

This is my boon drinking companion, Oscar Farrar.

Oscar, this is Elvira Kent.

How do you do, Mr. Farrar?

You can't imagine my feelings at meeting you.

In that case, try to imagine mine.

[laughing]

Say, Oscar, is she anything like your girlfriend

as you were telling me about?

You mean Georgia?

Oh, no, not at all.

Well, I'll have to phone down about the baggage.

Phone? Oh, excuse me.

Oh, thanks, Oscar.

You get the feeling you're growing away from me.

You're a peach. Thank you.

I'm used to that.

Hello, Mr. Kent?

'Virgil, what took you so long?'

Believe me, it was all in the line of duty.

'What's been happening with my wife?'

Plenty.

Well, tell me. I'm a grown man.

- How bad is it? - Pretty bad.

I'm a grown man too and I hope it gets worse.

This connection must be bad.

I can't understand what you're babbling about.

Whatever it is, do something to stop her.

I-I'm going crazy here.

Mr. Kent, I've been taking your money under false pretenses.

I'd advise you to give me my two weeks' notice.

Goodbye.

Huh?

[buzzing]

- Yes, Mr. Kent? - Miss Medwick, get my broker.

Call Randall

I want to check the changes in the routine shipping report.

Also get the wire that came yesterday

concerning the Canadian merger.

Anything new, Humphrey?

No, ma'am. It all looks very businesslike and proper to me.

- Oh. - Let-let me for a minute.

Excuse me.

He's talking to her.

So she's going out of the room without even looking backward.

Uh, you can go to lunch, Humphrey.

After all these weeks, you'd think he'd give her a pinch

or a pat on the shoulder I mean.

You sound disappointed that he hasn't.

I think I'll see what else is happening.

- Wait, wait a minute. - You know, it's irritating.

Here I give up a perfectly wonderful cruise

to trap my husband and what happens?

Nothing.

Just goes to show, you can't trust men.

And that girl is having a perfectly

wonderful time under my name.

I haven't heard from her in days.

Who knows what's going on there?

Just goes to show you can't trust women either.

The best thing you can do, Elvira

is to get on the first plane to Rio.

What for?

Then you can phone Michael to join you

and you can take the boat back together.

Half a cruise with a whole husband

is better than no cruise with no husband.

Maybe you're right. Come on, let's go.

- Oh, and this one too. - You know what to do right?

- Yes, Mr. Kent. - The car's downstairs.

- Your bags are in it. - Thank you, Charles.

I want you to get some new displays

pushing hair tonic and triple malts.

Miss Medwick, you'll pack those too.

If anything comes up, wire me at the Hotel Atlántico.

- Yes, sir. - Your briefcase, Mr. Kent.

- Thank you, Miss Medwick. - And bon voyage.

- We'll miss you. - Hello.

Where've you been all day?

I was seeing a lady friend off at the airport.

You can see me off too. I'm leaving for Rio.

- For R-Rio? When? - Immediately.

I have a chartered plane waiting.

Is-is that as fast as going by regular airlines?

Much faster. I want to get there as soon as possible.

Mi-Michael, you have company. I'm going with you.

'Oh, Michael.'

[piano music]

[music continues]

Good, good, good. But I'm not interested.

What can I do with that type of music in my show?

Mr. Plinio, take my advice

as one musician to another, you need me.

Mr. Farrar, as one businessman to another, I can't afford you.

You can't afford me?

Money's of the utmost indifference to me.

- All I want is to play. - That's not the point.

I'm spending a fortune to redecorate this place

so I can reopen in time for the Carnival.

And to get my investment back, I need an attraction.

A real attraction.

I need someone with a name.

What do you think my mother gave me, a number?

Let me play it again.

Very generous of you, but I can't use it.

That's what I admire about you, you've such an open mind.

[Georgia singing]

Maybe you'd like it if I set lyrics to it.

Shh.

♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ It's magic.. ♪

I wish those amateurs would stop interfering

with a serious musician.

Say, I know that voice.

♪ Fantastic things begin ♪

♪ When I am in your arms ♪

♪ When we walk hand in hand.. ♪

She not only sounds good, she looks good.

Take it from me that girl has all sorts of talent.

You want to sign her up?

She could be the finest singer, but if she hasn't got a name..

What do you mean she has no name? That's Mrs. Elvira Kent.

The classiest society dames in New York.

Mrs. Elvira Kent?

When she came out she made all the other debutantes

look like social climbers.

A society singer.

That's right, and very talented.

This is something new around here.

- Want me to talk to her? - Oh, no, no.

You wouldn't know how to handle an important lady like that.

I'll...I'll talk to her.

Mrs. Kent, you will not be angry with me?

Why should I be angry with you?

I-I was about to offer you a contract

to sing in my Casino Room.

Beg your pardon?

I knew you would be offended, but it's a good proposition.

A $1000 a week.

A thousand bucks, dollars, for me?

Of course, it's obviously nothing

for a lady in your position.

But if I said 1000, I can say 2500.

Are you kidding?

Once you say 2500, it's not difficult to say 5000.

'After you pay your taxes here and in United States'

'it will cost you very little.'

I'll tell you what I'll do, Mr. Plinio.

I'll sing for you for 1000 a week.

- What? - But not as Elvira Kent.

Suppose I took another name. What difference does it make?

Any name, let's say Georgia Garrett, for instance.

- What's wrong with that? - Listen, honeybunch.

If you use Georgia Garrett, and sang like an angel even

I could still shoot llamas in the balcony.

But if I had Mrs. Elvira Kent..

Did I say 5000? I mean seven.

Okay. I'll do it.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

It's no accident that I happen to have the contract with me.

- What a coincidence. - Here.

Senora,I predict that you are going to be

the greatest attraction I ever had.

- I know she will. - Thank you.

I'm sorry that your husband won't be here to see you.

Oh, I'm so sorry too, but he's such a busybody.

- Goodbye. See you later. - Goodbye.

[speaking in foreign language]

- How do you do? - Oh, how do you do, sir?

Where can I find Mr. Peter Virgil?

Mr. Peter Virgil? I believe in the Casino Room.

- Thank you. - I'll stay here and register.

Where's the ho-house telephone?

You may use this phone right here.

Mrs. Michael Kent, please.

Mrs. Michael--

Thank you, but what's the number?

Three fourteen.

Why don't you rest for a while?

I'm not tired, just excited and happy.

Yeah, but by tonight you'll be slaphappy.

You're not used to this professional grind.

Take the advice, will you?

While you can, go upstairs and catch 40 winks.

- I'll need 80 now. - Ha ha ha.

Mr. Kent, I didn't know that you were coming down here.

After that double talk telephone conversation

where did you expect me to be?

I'm glad that you came, Mr. Kent

because I wanna explain the problem--

All you need to explain is the meaning of this.

That just means that your wife has a wonderful voice.

My wife has a terrible voice, that's not all

I didn't pay you to let her sing.

I was hired to shadow her.

I mean, to stop her from singing would have been extra.

What about that man? That other man?

I...I've almost finished a written report, Mr. Kent.

I don't want a written report, I want my wife.

- Where is she? - Well, she's around somewhere.

Oh, she's around somewhere.

A fine detective you are.

No, I'll do the decent thing. She's in her room, go to her.

Huh?

Maybe it was just being away from you.

Maybe she does really still love you.

Maybe it was the tropical skies. Maybe it was--

Maybe you can tell me what you're raving about?

- I don't know. - You what?

I mean, it hurts too much to talk about it.

Go to her, Mr. Kent.

It's the best thing for everybody.

Mrs. Michael Kent is not in her room.

I just saw her step into the elevator.

Oh, the elevator.

Where you going?

Nowhere.

Say, what's the matter with you?

Mrs. Michael Kent's room, please.

Is Mrs. Kent expecting you?

What difference does that make? I'm Mr. Kent.

Oh, oh!

Room 314.

- Thank you. Come on. - You're welcome.

- I said, come on. - Good, good, good.

I was going off duty in ten minutes, but I think I'll stay.

Michael, I-I think it's better you go alone.

I don't want to spoil your nice reunion.

- Going up, sir? - Yes.

Alright, uncle.

Hello?

[speaking in foreign language]

Yes.

Darling, I wanted to..

Oh, I beg your pardon. I must be in the wrong room.

Really? If it was the right room, that's no way to open the door.

Yes, you're so right. I'm so sorry.

[knocking]

Would you like to play a little three-handed gin?

It's all I need.

[knocking]

'Come in.'

Say, you gave me the wrong room number. My wife isn't in 314.

I'm sorry, but she is, Mr. Kent.

But there's a strange girl up there.

You'd better look it up again.

314 is correct, Mr. Kent.

Rio is getting more like Paris every day.

Don't be so excited.

Let me get this straight. Mr. Kent is here?

That's right. Your husband.

If we have a fourth, we can play bridge.

Shut up, I've got to think.

You have no time to think. You must leave immediately.

- What's the matter? - Shut up, Oscar.

[knocking]

Michael, Michael. Come, come, come.

Me and my ambition to travel.

[knocking continues]

[dramatic music]

Darling.

Darling, it's me, Michael.

Who are you and what do you want?

- Isn't this Room 314? - That it is.

Isn't this Mrs. Michael Kent's room?

Do I look like a Mrs. Michael Kent?

I must be dreaming.

Wasn't there a woman in this bed five minutes ago?

I'm no blabbermouth. Will you get out or do I--

'Excuse me, I'm sorry.'

It must have been that plane trip I took.

It's getting so that a man isn't safe

around here at Carnival time.

- Now, run along, run along. - Alright, I'm sorry.

It was my mistake. I didn't mean any trouble by it.

[comical music]

Oscar, what are we gonna do now? He's sure to find out.

First, put on some decent clothes. I'll start packing.

That's right. I will help you, darling, come.

- Mr. Lazlo? - I take off my glasses.

Come, come, come.

Oh!

What is the number of Mrs. Michael Kent's room?

314. Who may I ask is calling?

Mrs. Michael Kent and I'll be back.

What if there is bloodshed in 314?

We're going to do the whole third floor over anyhow.

[comical music]

I'm checking out.

- Is there something wrong? - Yeah, everything.

[music continues]

- Listen, Virgil. - What's the matter?

I'm going crazy. I'm going insane.

I can't find my wife. She's disappeared.

She probably couldn't face you after what's happened.

For heaven's sake, what's this about?

Since I'm leaving, I'll tell the truth.

- I'm in love with your wife. - You what?

- She's fallen in love with me. - What?

The only thing I'm ashamed of is..

...it was on your time.

Virgil.

Peter Virgil, you're fired!

Your bill, Mr. Virgil.

[knocking]

- Mrs. Kent. - A fine job you've done for me.

So I'm going to sing tonight, am I?

Excuse me. It seems I'm caught between two bags.

Oh, and I see the way you've taken care of my reputation.

- Uncle Lazlo, you too? - Yes, me too.

- Well, I am surprised. - You are not surprised yet.

You'll be surprised when I tell you

that Michael is here too.

- What? - Yes.

- Oh, what am I gonna do? - I have a wonderful idea.

We will tell him that..

It's not good. No.

[dramatic music]

Just wanna find out who's in that bed now, that's all.

- Darling! - Oh, so you finally made it?

Oh, Michael, I'm so glad you came.

It's been so lonely without you.

That's not the way I heard it.

Oh, I know all about your little escapades.

'This Peter Virgil, you're in love with'

'happens to be a private detective.'

I hired him to shadow you.

Everything you've done has been reported to me.

- That's a lie. - How do you do?

Peter's not a detective. And he hasn't met your wife.

You're back!

You can't deny there's something between you and Virgil.

He confessed everything to me before he checked out.

Checked out? Oh, I gotta go.

What has she got to do with this?

- Oh, Michael-- - Elvira, you'd better tell me.

- Tell me. - I can't..

[knocking]

Ah, ha!

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Don't you think we've been seeing too much of each other?

Elvira, what's the meaning of this?

Uncle, why are you hiding in the closet?

I-I will, I will tell you. It's awful.

There is such a hurly-burly in this Rio.

I was happy to find a quiet place.

Quiet place?

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[crowd chattering]

[no audio]

Well, you're not gonna sing and that's final.

Shout all you want.

They paid to see Mrs. Elvira Kent and that's who they'll see.

- Oh, no, they're not. - But, Michael, it'll be fun.

Why, I sang for the Milk Fund Benefit, didn't I?

Yes and for two years after that

everyone was drinking their coffee black.

But, Oscar, the contract is illegal.

I said, I was Elvira Kent.

You have her permission to use her name.

- They can ask her. - Please let's forget it.

You've gotta do it for the sake of your country.

If Elvira gets out there to sing

she'll set the Good Neighbor policy back 20 years.

If I'm lucky, they'll take me back at the Club Casa.

Five shows nightly at forty a week.

I can go back to haunting the travel bureau

piling up literature on places I'll never see.

Maybe, if I am very lucky, I'll meet a man

who won't pretend to be in love with me because it's his job.

Who're you to complain? If he's a phony, that makes two of you.

You two should be very happy together.

The thing is, he left thinking I was Elvira Kent.

I'll never know how he feels about Georgia Garrett.

Mr. Virgil? I thought you went back to the States.

- I was going, but I didn't. - I beg your pardon?

Can I help it if I can't help it?

Yes, sir. Waiter, table for Mr. Virgil.

This way.

[no audio]

[crowd clapping]

Now, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you

'the star of our show.'

The beautiful New York society lady

'who will charm you with her singing.'

Mrs. Elvira Kent.

[audience clapping]

[clapping continues]

(Elvira) 'Just a moment, please.'

Ladies and gentlemen, I came here tonight

with every intention of singing for you.

But first I'd like you to hear from a very good friend of mine.

'She is a girl who dreamt for years of visiting your country.'

'And always wanted to sing in a glamorous place'

'before a distinguished audience.'

Will you give her that chance?

[audience clapping]

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen

Miss Georgia Garrett.

[audience clapping]

[piano music]

[Doris Day singing "It's Magic"]

♪ You sigh, the song begins ♪

♪ You speak and I hear violins ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ The stars desert the skies ♪

♪ And rush to nestle in your eyes ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Without a golden wand ♪

♪ Or mystic charms ♪

♪ Fantastic things begin ♪

♪ When I am in your arms ♪

♪ When we walk hand-in-hand ♪

♪ The world becomes a wonderland ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ How else can I explain ♪

♪ Those rainbows when there is no rain? ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Why do I tell myself ♪

♪ These things that happen are all really true? ♪

♪ When in my heart I know ♪

♪ The magic is my love ♪

♪ For you ♪

[applause]

[audience cheering]

[drum beats]

Oh, it's magic.

It sure is.

A fine detective, I turn out to be.

I didn't do so well as a married woman either.

You need practice.

[orchestral music]

[music continues]