Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

- * HEY

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

* I FEEL LIKE I'M FAMOUS

- * CHILL

- * WE DON'T NEED NO MONEY

- * CHILL

- * WE DON'T NEED NO TIME

- * CHILL

- * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRL

- * CHILL

- * WE DON'T NEED NO DIME

- I FEEL LIKE, BRINGING MY SHOW TO VEGAS,

I WANT IT TO JUST EMBODY WHAT SHOWBIZ IS ALL ABOUT.

- * THRILL, THRILL, LIKE YOU FAMOUS *

* JUMP, JUMP LIKE YOU FAMOUS *

I REMEMBER BEING 11 YEARS OLD AT A TALENT SHOW/AUDITION.

I REMEMBER I HAD MY CROSS-COLORS ON.

I HAD THIS HUGE YELLOW SHIRT

IT WAS LIKE 17 SIZES TOO BIG WITH SOME GREEN PANTS.

AND, MY ENTIRE SET WAS ABOUT

ROACHES, MICHAEL JACKSON, AND BAD BREATH.

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE WITH BAD BREATH

ALWAYS GOT SO MUCH TO SAY?

I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS,

BUT I LEFT OUT OF THERE WITH A STANDING OVATION.

AND FROM THAT MOMENT I WAS LIKE,

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

BY THE TIME I WAS 15 YEARS OLD, I WAS A PROFESSIONAL COMIC.

SO, I'M 30 YEARS OLD

AND I'M DOING MY FIRST STAND UP COMEDY SPECIAL.

THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY. IF IT ALL ENDED TODAY

WHAT'S THE ONE THING I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A CHANCE TO DO

IN THE WORLD ENTERTAINMENT.

AND, IT'S MY STAND UP SPECIAL.

IT'S REALLY GETTING OUT THERE AND LETTING PEOPLE KNOW THAT

I'M A COMIC AT HEART.

I WANTED TO GO BACK

TO THE WAY I USE TO DO STAND UP WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER.

BEING ON THE ROAD. AND, I WANTED TO PUT AN AMAZING ACT TOGETHER.

IN SOUTH CAROLINA.

WE'RE IN RHODE ISLAND.

WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE AIRPORT.

GET ON A PLANE TO MINNEAPOLIS.

DO AMERICA'S GOT TALENT IN THE MORNING.

GET BACK ON THE PLANE.

BACK HERE FOR TWO MORE SHOWS TOMORROW NIGHT.

EARLY MORNING KIND OF DAY. STILL STANDIING UP.

- I NEED EVERYBODY TO GET UP OUT YOUR SEATS.

ARE Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?

- SO TO BE HERE NOW GETTING READY TO GO OUT THERE

AND PRESENT THAT WORK THAT I'VE BEEN CULTIVATING

FOR THE LAST YEAR...

- PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...

- IT'S A FEELING LIKE NO OTHER.

IT'S THIS ANGST THAT YOU JUST REALLY WANT TO JUST

GO OUT THERE AND JUST SAY, "LOOK, THIS--THIS IS ME.

THIS IS WHO I'VE BECOME."

- AND GIVE IT UP FOR MR. SHOWBIZ...

- I FEEL LIKE THIS IS GONNA BE THE FIRST TIME

THAT PEOPLE REALLY GET TO KNOW WHO NICK CANNON IS.

- NICK CANNON!

[cheers and applause]

- * I FEEL LIKE I'M FAMOUS

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO MONEY

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO TIME

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRL

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO DIME

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRL

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO CAR

- * CHILL - * WHEN THE BEAT DROPS

* SHOW 'EM YOU'RE A SUPERSTAR *

- * BAM, BAM, LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

* JUMP, JUMP LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

* SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

* DANCE, DANCE LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

* BREAK IT, BREAK IT LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

* PUMP IT, PUMP IT LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

* MOVE IT, MOVE IT LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

* OH, LOOK - * BITCH, I'M FAMOUS

[record needle scratching vinyl]

- MAN, THANK YOU GUYS FOR BEING HERE.

OH, WOW. THIS IS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ME, Y'ALL.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ALL MY LIFE--

TO DO A STAND-UP SPECIAL.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW I DO STAND-UP,

SO I APPRECIATE Y'ALL COMING OUT TO SEE A BROTHER.

IT WAS EITHER ME OR CARROT TOP. I KNOW. I KNOW.

I'M GLAD Y'ALL CAME TO SEE ME, MAN.

Y'ALL LOOK GOOD, TOO.

AND WE DOING THIS FOR TELEVISION, Y'ALL.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE GOT TO DO THIS LIKE WE DOING IT FOR TV.

I ALWAYS WANTED-- WHEN I DO MY SPECIAL,

I ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THEM BIG INTROS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WITH THE BIG VOICE,

AND THEY JUST GIVE YOU A LIST OF YOUR CREDITS--

ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU DONE AND STUFF.

I WANT ONE OF THOSE. CAN I GET ONE OF THOSE?

[cheers and applause]

WELL, DAMN IT, I'M GONNA DO MY OWN DAMN INTRO, THEN.

THAT OKAY?

ACT LIKE YOU AIN'T SEEN ME, THEN.

I'LL BE BACK.

YOU AIN'T SEEN NONE OF MY SEXINESS YET.

I'LL BE BACK.

STOP LOOKING AT ME. I AIN'T RIGHT YET.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR HEADLINER TONIGHT.

YOU MAY HAVE SEEN HIM IN THE BACKGROUND

OF MARIAH CAREY'S PICTURES HOLDING AN UMBRELLA.

[cheers and applause]

HE'S STARRED IN A BUNCH OF "B" MOVIES.

ALL OF THEM WERE TERRIBLE EXCEPT FOR DRUMLINE.

[cheers and applause]

HIS LAST ALBUM WENT DOUBLE CARDBOARD.

[laughter]

AND HE JUST TURNED 30 YEARS OLD,

WHICH IS WAY TOO DAMN OLD TO STILL BE ON NICKELODEON.

GIVE IT UP FOR AMERICA'S SAFEST NEGRO,

NICK CANNON!

[cheers and applause]

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT WE GOT THAT SHIT OUT THE WAY, SIT DOWN.

OH, MAN, LAS VEGAS, Y'ALL CAME TO SEE A BROTHER, TOO.

I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE.

Y'ALL SEE THE BIG MEXICAN PICK ME UP

WHEN I WAS WALKING UP HERE?

[cheers and applause]

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN?

- CODY! - CODY?

[laughter]

AIN'T NO MEXICAN NAME.

I WANTED YOU TO BE, LIKE, JOKER OR...

[laughter]

LITTLE PUPPET.

CODY.

THANKS FOR PICKING ME UP, CODY.

Y'ALL LOOK GOOD, TOO. EVERYBODY--

LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY GOT THEY DRINKS.

Y'ALL FEELING GOOD IN VEGAS?

[cheers and applause]

GET YOUR TIPSY ON. I KNOW THAT.

WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?

HOW YOU DOING?

ALL RIGHT, YOU AIN'T GOT NO LADIES WITH YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN? - RAMON.

- [girly voice] RAMON.

[laughter] IT'S ALL GOOD, RAMON.

MY MAN, HOLDING IT DOWN. THAT'S RAMON RIGHT THERE.

YOU DO LIKE LADIES, RIGHT, RAMON?

- WE LOVE YOU, NICK CANNON!

- HEY, I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY. - AAH!

- HEY.

"DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA" IN THE HOUSE.

[laughter and applause]

ALL CAME OUT TO SEE ME, TOO. I APPRECIATE IT.

THE OLD-SCHOOL PLAYER RIGHT HERE, BOY.

YOU COLD, BOY.

GOT HIS BRIM ON AND EVERYTHING, LOOKING LIKE RAY J DADDY.

IT'S ALL GOOD. YOU COLD, MAN. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

RICK. WHAT'S HAPPENING, RICK?

ALL RIGHT, NOW, COLD ON, DUDE.

THEM STACY ADAMS YOU GOT ON? THEM IS NICE.

I HEARD YOU.

YOU SMUGGLING POPCORN UP INTO SHOWS?

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL. THIS IS VEGAS.

HEY. HEY. [woman shouts]

Y'ALL DRUNK?

SO HE--HEY. Y'ALL ALL ARE...WHAT?

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY? HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

ALL RIGHT, NOW SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.

[laughter and applause]

WHAT'S UP? LOOK GOOD. BOY, I TELL YA.

OUTSTANDING. AW, LOOK, IT'S LOVE RIGHT HERE, Y'ALL.

AW, LOOK AT THAT. THEY ALL HUGGED UP.

IT'S LIKE, Y'ALL--OOH. Y'ALL MARRIED?

both: YEAH.

- AND YOU STILL CLOSE TO EACH OTHER.

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL.

HOW LONG Y'ALL BEEN MARRIED? - A LONG TIME.

- HE DON'T EVEN KNOW. "A LONG TIME."

[laughter]

IT'S ALL GOOD. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN?

- TODD. - TODD.

OF COURSE YOUR NAME IS TODD.

TODD, AND I RUN A MARKETING FIRM.

[laughter]

WHAT'S YOUR LOVELY WIFE'S NAME?

- TAMMY. - TAMMY.

TAMMY AND TODD.

YOU GUYS GET THE AWARD FOR THE WHITEST NAMES OF THE NIGHT.

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

YOU CAN JUST SEE THEY CHRISTMAS CARD.

"TAMMY AND TODD."

"THIS IS OUR DOG WILBUR."

"WE LET HIM SLEEP IN THE BED WITH US."

[laughs]

SHE'S LIKE, "YEP."

YEAH, I KNOW. TAMMY AND TODD.

OH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE A HAPPY COUPLE.

YOU GOT YOU A NICE, HANDSOME MAN AND EVERYTHING.

THAT'S NICE, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I AIN'T HITTIN' ON YOU OR NOTHIN', TODD.

NO HOMO, YOU KNOW.

I AIN'T RAMON. I'M JUST--

[groans and laughter]

[chuckles] IT'S COOL. IT'S OKAY. I'M GOOD.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID, "DON'T LET THE PINK SHIRT FOOL YOU."

IT'S COOL. I'M GOOD. WE SECURE.

WE GOOD WITH ALL THAT.

NO HOMO. THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

YOU EVER HEARD THAT PHRASE, TAMMY--NO HOMO?

SHE'S LIKE, "I HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BLACK GUY."

YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WAS GONNA LEARN EBONICS TONIGHT.

LIKE, NO HOMO-- IT'S A PHRASE--

SHE'S LIKE, "HOMO--HOMEOWNER?

OF COURSE I'M A HOMEOWNER. I'M WHITE."

NAH, "NO HOMO" IS, LIKE, A TERM WE USE

IN THE HIP-HOP COMMUNITY, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

WE CAN BE A LITTLE HOMOPHOBIC AT TIMES IN HIP-HOP.

SO, "NO HOMO" IS LIKE A "GET OUT OF GAY FREE" CARD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT ALLOWS TWO HETEROSEXUAL MEN

TO COMPLIMENT ONE ANOTHER

WITHOUT THERE BEING ANY CONFUSION.

I COULD BE LIKE, "HEY, TODD, MAN,

"I REALLY LIKE HOW THAT SHIRT LOOKS ON YOU.

NO HOMO."

AND THERE'S NO CONFUSION, RIGHT?

WE GOOD. EXACTLY.

BUT THEN THERE'S JUST SOME STUFF THAT "NO HOMO" DON'T WORK ON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, NO MATTER HOW YOU SAY IT,

IT'S STILL GONNA BE GAY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I CAN'T COME UP TO YOU AND BE LIKE, "HEY, RAMON,

I LIKE HOW YOUR BALLS LOOK IN THEM JEANS."

THAT'S JUST GAY.

"NO HOMO" DON'T WORK ON THAT.

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT,

BECAUSE I'M A HAPPILY MARRIED MAN.

[cheers and applause] YEAH.

THREE YEARS, GOING STRONG.

[cheers and applause]

MY WIFE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH ANY DAY NOW.

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, FOR Y'ALL THAT DON'T KNOW,

I AM MARRIED TO MARIAH CAREY.

[cheers and applause]

LOOK AT THE OLD-SCHOOL PLAYER.

"NO, YOU AIN'T MARRIED TO NO DAMN MARIAH CAREY.

"I BE A MONKEY'S UNCLE

IF YOU MARRIED TO MARIAH CAREY."

THAT'S FOR REAL. PEOPLE STILL DON'T BELIEVE IT.

"HELL, NAH. LITTLE BOY FROM DRUMLINE?

HELL, NAH, MAN."

I TELL YA, I CAN'T BLAME Y'ALL, THOUGH, MAN,

'CAUSE I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER

IF IT WASN'T ME.

OH, FOR REAL, 'CAUSE THAT'S-- THAT'S KIND OF HARD TO BELIEVE

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S LIKE SOMEBODY COMING UP TO ME

AND BEING LIKE, "HEY, MAN, YOU HEARD

HALLE BERRY MARRIED SOULJA BOY?"

YEAH, THIS NIGGA, MAN. THIS...

[laughter]

IT'D BE HARD TO BELIEVE.

AND THE THING ABOUT BEING MARRIED

TO ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THE WORLD,

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BUT PEOPLE JUST FEEL LIKE

THEY CAN COME UP TO ME AND SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT TO SAY

ABOUT MY WIFE TO MY FACE.

"MAN, OH, SHOOT, YOU MARRIED TO MARIAH?

SHOOT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT."

"DUDE, IF IT WAS ME, I'D HAVE MARIAH

HITTING HIGH NOTES EVERY NIGHT."

LIKE, "DANG, DAD."

[laughter]

"SEPARATING Y'ALL AT THE FAMILY REUNION."

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, THOUGH, MAN.

AND IT NEVER CEASE TO FAIL.

EVERY DAY, THOUGH, I GET THE EXACT SAME QUESTION.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET MARIAH CAREY?"

NIGGA, I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T.

IT'S LIKE MY LIFE TURNED OUT

LIKE A REALLY GOOD GAME OF MASH.

Y'ALL REMEMBER MASH,

THE LITTLE JUNIOR-HIGH-SCHOOL NOTEBOOK-PAPER GAME?

REMEMBER MANSION, APARTMENT, SHACK, HOUSE?

THEN YOU DO THE LITTLE THING IN THE MIDDLE WITH THE PAPER.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THEN YOU HAD TO, LIKE, PICK, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

THE CARS THAT YOU WANTED,

THE FOUR CARS WHEN YOU GREW UP.

YOU START OFF ALL ASPIRATIONAL--

LAMBORGHINI, FERRARI.

THEN YOU GOT TO GET A LITTLE MORE REALISTIC--

NISSAN SENTRA.

YEARLONG BUS PASS.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO PICK THE FOUR FANTASY PEOPLE

YOU WANT TO MARRY WHEN YOU GROW UP.

NUMBER ONE ON MY LIST, MARIAH CAREY.

[cheers and applause]

I WON.

BUT THEN YOU HAD TO HAVE BACKUPS, TOO.

REMEMBER THAT?

YOU KNOW, YOU HAD TO HAVE BACKUPS

SO, YOU KNOW, MY SECOND ONE WAS TYRA BANKS.

OH, YEAH, I WAS INTO THAT, BIG FOREHEAD AND ALL.

JUST-- "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP FOREHEAD."

I WAS...

AND THEN NUMBER THREE, RUDY HUXTABLE.

OH, YEAH, SHOOT, IN THE '80s, I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY ONE.

SHE'D BE SITTIN' ON BILL'S LAP,

I'D BE FANTASIZING LIKE I WAS BILL.

[imitating Bill Cosby] LIKE, "OH, RUDY.

COME GIVE ME A ZERBERT."

[laughter]

[normal voice] AND THEN NUMBER FOUR WAS ROSIE O'DONNELL.

[groans and laughter]

NO HOMO.

[laughter]

YOU LIKE HOW THAT WORKED, TODD?

ALL NIGHT, BABY. I GOT YOU.

NAH, HONESTLY, I HONESTLY HAVE TO SAY,

MY WEDDING DAY WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE...

[cheers and applause]

'CAUSE THAT'S THE DAY THAT I CAME UP!

CHA-CHING!

WE GONNA KEEP IT REAL TONIGHT. MARIAH GOT ME.

WE ARE RECESSION-PROOF.

SHOOT.

* WHEN A HERO COMES ALONG

I'M TELLIN' YOU, KEEPIN' IT REAL TONIGHT.

I KNOW Y'ALL WERE SHOCKED ON THAT DAY

Y'ALL HEARD ABOUT IT.

SHOOT, I WAS SHOCKED.

SHOOT, I WAS WALKIN' DOWN THE AISLE, SHOCKED.

[laughter]

I'M ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH MARIAH CAREY!

JESUS IS REAL!

WET DREAMS DO COME TRUE.

THAT DAY WAS AN AMAZING DAY, Y'ALL.

I LOVED MY WEDDING DAY.

THE ONLY THING IS THAT WE WEREN'T ABLE

TO INVITE EVERYBODY THAT WE WANTED TO INVITE,

'CAUSE IT JUST HAPPENED SO FAST

AND, YOU KNOW, WE GOT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE, MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY--

SOME OF 'EM JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT.

CAN'T TAKE 'EM NOWHERE. YOU KNOW THE TYPE.

LIKE, I WANTED TO INVITE MY FRIEND KANYE WEST.

[laughter]

'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT KANYE GONNA DO, RIGHT?

KANYE WOULD PROBABLY SHOW UP TO THE WEDDING

IN A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK TEDDY BEAR COSTUME

WITH SOME VIDEO HOs.

KANYE WOULD PROBABLY JUMP ONSTAGE,

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CEREMONY, RIGHT?

LIKE, "HEY, YO, FRIEND!"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

"HEY, YO, NICK, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU!

"AND I'M GONNA LET YOU FINISH!

"BUT JAY AND BEYONCE HAD THE GREATEST WEDDING

OF ALL TIME!"

[cheers and applause]

"I AIN'T SAYIN' YOU A GOLD DIGGER.

BUT COMPARED TO MARIAH, YOU BROKE, NIGGA!"

IT'S TRUE. [laughs]

MAN. IT'S BEAUTIFUL, THOUGH.

PEOPLE ARE FINALLY STARTING TO EMBRACE OUR MARRIAGE NOW,

SO IT'S COOL, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE FOR THE LONGEST,

THEY THOUGHT THIS WAS THE LONGEST EPISODE OF PUNK'D EVER.

LIKE, WHEN IS ASHTON COMING OUT?

NAH, BUT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, MY WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS,

SO WE GETTING ALL TYPE OF CONGRATULATIONS AND STUFF.

YEAH!

EVERYBODY--EVERYBODY CONGRATULATING US, MAN.

WE LIVE IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD AS ADAM SANDLER.

HE CAME BY AND CONGRATULATED US THE OTHER DAY...

KIND OF.

[chuckles] HE DID.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL KNOW.

ADAM IS A WEIRD DUDE.

HE CAME OVER. HE'S LIKE, "EH...

[imitating Adam Sandler] "HELLO, THERE.

"HEY, UH, NICK, NICK, YOU'RE ONE LUCKY GUY,

'CAUSE YOUR WIFE GOT SOME REALLY NICE BOOBIES."

[mumbles nonsensically]

[normal voice] "THANKS, ADAM.

GET YOUR ASS OFF MY PORCH."

BUT, YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME--

THIS IS NO JOKE.

A FEW DAYS AGO I GOT A CALL FROM MY MAN DAVE CHAPPELLE.

[cheers and applause] YEAH.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY MAN. I DID HIS SHOW AND EVERYTHING.

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

I HADN'T HEARD FROM HIM IN A WHILE...

YOU KNOW, MUST HAVE BEEN CALLING LONG DISTANCE FROM AFRICA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT...

BUT HE WAS EXCITED WHEN HE CALLED, THOUGH.

HE WAS REAL EXCITED. HE'S LIKE...

[imitating Dave Chappelle] "HI, NICK CANNON.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING? THIS IS DAVE, SON.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN?

"I JUST WANT TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.

"I'M MARRIED, TOO. I GOT ME A LITTLE ASIAN WIFE

WITH TWO PUERTO RICAN KIDS. IT'S CRAZY, BABY!"

[normal voice] IT'S LIKE, "THANKS, DAVE.

"IT MEANS A LOT, MAN, HEARING THAT FROM YOU--

"SOMEBODY WHO'S SUCCESSFUL IN THIS INDUSTRY

"IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP, STILL KEEPING IT TOGETHER.

THAT'S INSPIRING." HE'S LIKE,

[imitating Dave Chappelle] "HELP! I'M TRAPPED!

"HELP!

"I WANNA COME LIVE WITH YOU AND MARIAH.

ADAM SANDLER SAY SHE HAS SOME NICE TITTIES."

[normal voice] Y'ALL KNOW THE ONE THAT JUST--

JUST CAUGHT ME ALL THE WAY OFF GUARD.

I HAD NO IDEA.

DENZEL WASHINGTON CAME AND HOLLERED AT ME.

[cheers and applause] YEAH.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW DENZEL KNEW WHO THE HELL I WAS.

AND IT WAS KIND OF STRANGE, TOO, BECAUSE DENZEL CAME UP TO ME

AND TRIED TO GIVE ME MARITAL ADVICE

IN THE MIDDLE OF A NIGHTCLUB.

BUT YOU KIND OF GOT TO LISTEN,

'CAUSE IT'S DENZEL WASHINGTON, RIGHT?

AND HE CAME UP TO ME SMOOTH,

LIKE, YOU KNOW, STRAIGHT OUT OF A MOVIE, JUST LIKE...

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[imitating Denzel Washington] "HA HA HA HA HA HA!

"NICKELODEON.

"MY NIGGA.

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YO, I'M PROUD OF YOU, CANNON.

"YOU, YOU, YOU WENT OUT THERE AND YOU WENT AND GOT MARRIED.

"YEAH, I REMEMBER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A PRETTY, YOUNG BRIDE.

"YOU STILL HITTING THAT FACE-TO-FACE, HUH?

"YEAH, WELL, LOOK HERE, CANNON.

"YOU WANT TO BE A MOVIE STAR, HUH?

"DO NOT LOSE YOUR CHARISMA.

"NAH, DON'T BE LIKE ONE OF THESE CELEBRITIES OUT HERE.

"THEY GO GET MARRIED

"AND GROW ONE OF THEM DIRTY BRAD PITT WIZARD BEARDS.

"NAH, CANNON.

"YOU--YOU--YOU SEE ME?

"PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE

THREE YEARS IN A ROW."

[cheers and applause]

"YOU KNOW HOW I DO THAT?

PRACTICE."

[normal voice] I WAS LIKE, "PRACTICE?

"WAIT. HOLD ON, MR. WASHINGTON.

"ARE YOU SAYING US TWO MARRIED MEN

"SHOULD BE UP IN THIS NIGHTCLUB

"PRACTICING HOLLERING AT CHICKS?

THAT'S CHEATING." THAT'S WHERE HE LOST IT.

[imitating Denzel Washington] "I WOULD NEVER CHEAT

"ON MY WIFE! I LOVE PAULETTA.

"SHE'S THE EBONY OF MY ESSENCE, THE JET BEAUTY OF MY WEEK.

"SEE, SEE, SOMETIMES IN THIS BUSINESS,

"YOU GOT TO GET A LITTLE DIRT ON YOU FOR PEOPLE TO TRUST YOU.

"YEAH.

"YOU SEE THAT LITTLE, PRETTY TENDERONI OVER THERE?

YEAH."

[laughter]

"I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT YOUNG LADY.

"BUT SHE'S A MOVIE-TICKET BUYER.

WATCH ME GO GIVE HER SOME FREE POPCORN."

[normal voice] HE WALKED OVER THERE SMOOTH,

DENZEL WALK AND EVERYTHING, JUST...

[laughter]

[imitating Denzel Washington] "GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING,

"GOOD MORNING.

YEAH, YEAH. HOW ARE YOU DOIN', DARLIN'?"

[normal voice] SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

IT'S DENZEL WASHINGTON!"

[imitating Denzel Washington] LIKE, "NAH, NAH, SWEETHEART.

CALL ME ZEL. HA HA HA."

[normal voice] THAT'S ALL HE HAD TO DO.

HE CAME BACK, "THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT, CANNON!

"THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!

"YOUR TURN.

"THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT. YOUR TURN!

"MAN UP, NIGGA, MAN UP!

YOU A MAN, OR YOU A WOLF?"

[imitates dog howling]

Y'ALL, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I JUST BITCHED UP RIGHT THERE.

"DENZEL, I'M TELLING YOUR WIFE!"

WHY DID I DO THAT?

THAT'S WHEN HE JUST WENT AWARD-WINNING,

LONG-MONOLOGUE DENZEL ON ME.

JUST CAME UP.

[imitating Denzel Washington] "NO, YOU DIDN'T.

"NO, YOU DISLOYAL, BITCH-MADE FOOL ASS!

"DON'T YOU KNOW I'M DENZEL WASHINGTON?

"DENZEL, THAT'S A BRAND NAME, LIKE PEPSI.

"PEOPLE KNOW IT, AND THEY STAND BY IT,

"EVEN IF THEY DON'T KNOW ME

FROM THE CHAIRMAN OF GENERAL MILLS."

[cheers and applause]

"AND YOU WANT TO TELL MY WIFE?

"NIGGA, THAT'S TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT!

"I'M DENZEL WASHINGTON,

"ONE OF THE BIGGEST MOVIE STARS OF ALL TIME!

"NIGGA, I GOT OSCARS!

KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME!"

[cheers and applause]

[normal voice] Y'ALL SEE I WATCH

WAY TOO MANY DENZEL WASHINGTON MOVIES, RIGHT?

IT'S ALL GOOD, THOUGH. SHOOT.

GOTTA TAKE ADVICE FROM DENZEL.

THAT'S A TRUE STORY RIGHT THERE, MAN.

GOTTA LISTEN TO YOUR ELDERS, ESPECIALLY DENZEL,

'CAUSE HE THE ONLY BLACK ACTOR STILL MAKIN' MONEY.

THAT'S REAL.

THINK ABOUT IT. IT'S TRUE.

TYLER PERRY DONE MESSED UP THE GAME FOR EVERYBODY.

HE JUST MONOPOLIZING THE GAME.

PLAYING EVERY PART IN THE MOVIE.

I HEARD HE DON'T EVEN PAY HIS ACTORS IN REAL MONEY EITHER.

HE JUST PAY THEM IN HAIR-CARE PRODUCTS AND FISH PLATES, JUST--

IT IS MESSED UP.

YO, PAY ATTENTION OUT THERE, MAN.

BLACK ACTORS-- THEY GOING BANKRUPT.

THEY AIN'T GET NO WORK.

THEY AIN'T PAYING THEY TAXES.

IT'S TOUGH OUT-- YO, REAL TALK.

WESLEY SNIPES IS IN JAIL RIGHT NOW.

WESLEY SNIPES-- HE MADE $100 MILLION,

AND THEY LOCKED HIM UP FOR TAX EVASION.

THEY FINALLY GOT NINO BROWN, BOYS.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS BIGGER THAN US.

HOW THEY GONNA PUT WESLEY IN JAIL?

THAT'S BLADE.

HOW THEY GONNA LOCK UP BLADE?

HE'S SUPPOSED TO CATCH ALL THESE LOOSE VAMPIRES FLYING AROUND--

ROBERT PATTINSON AND... [laughter]

WE NEED WESLEY.

I'M TELLING YOU, BLACK FOLKS, WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S KIND OF CONFUSING TO ME,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

WE DOMINATE IN SPORTS AND ENTERTAINMENT.

OUR CULTURE IS SO RICH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WE DONE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH AS A PEOPLE.

WHITE FOLKS STILL ON TOP, AIN'T THEY?

THEY IS, BUT I FIGURED IT OUT.

I FIGURED IT OUT. I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

WHITE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO HAVE MEETINGS.

THEY ARE ORGANIZED.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, UH, TODD AND TAMMY?

HE'S LIKE, "YEP, THAT'S RIGHT."

I BET YOU Y'ALL HAD A MEETING ON YOUR WAY HERE TONIGHT, HUH?

LIKE, "MEETING!

"WE'RE GONNA GO SEE NICK CANNON, AND DARN IT,

"WE DON'T WANT ANY MALARKEY!

"THE SHOW STARTS AT 7:30.

WE'RE GETTING THERE AT 4:15."

RIGHT?

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN THERE, AND WE'RE GONNA KNOW

"WHERE ALL THE EMERGENCY EXITS ARE.

"SINGLE FILE. GET A BUDDY.

"HANDS IN. ON THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE, CAUCASIANS!"

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

IT'S CRAZY HOW I KNEW THAT, RIGHT?

BUT WE GOTTA LEARN FROM THE WHITE FOLKS, Y'ALL.

THEY ORGANIZED. THEY KNOW HOW TO HAVE MEETINGS.

BLACK FOLKS, WE SHOW UP LATE FOR EVERYTHING.

SHOOT, WE GET A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY, WHAT WE DO?

WE LET OUR COUSINS BE OUR ACCOUNTANTS.

WE NEED TO START HAVING MEETINGS LIKE THEM WHITE FOLKS.

SHOOT, EVEN THINK ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT.

THAT'S JUST ONE BIG MEETING. THAT'S ALL THAT IS.

CONGRESS? A BIG MEETING.

THAT'S PROBABLY HOW THEY GOT US OVER HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

OH, YEAH, BLACK FOLKS, WE WAS PROBABLY OVER IN AFRICA

WITH OUR DRUMS, CELEBRATING, HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[imitating native African chanting]

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE GOT OFF THE BOAT, LOOKED THROUGH THE BUSHES.

"MEETING!

"BY GOLLY, DID YOU SEE THAT?

"THAT WAS AMAZING. WHAT DO THEY CALL THAT--

"RHYTHM?

"WE GOTTA GET US SOME OF THAT.

"WE COULD CAPITALIZE OFF OF THIS.

"COME ON, WE GOT TO GET ORGANIZED.

"OKAY, FIRST THINGS FIRST.

"MARY ELLEN, YOU GO OUT THERE,

"'CAUSE I GOT THIS STRANGE FEELING

THEY'RE GONNA BE EASILY DISTRACTED BY WHITE WOMEN."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

"WHEN THEY'RE NOT LOOKIN', ZACHARIAH,

"YOU GRAB THE DRUMS AND GO STRAIGHT TO THE BOAT!

"I CAN SEE IT NOW.

"WE'LL MAKE MUSIC VIDEOS, ALBUMS.

WE'LL STEAL THEIR PUBLISHING. WE'RE GONNA MAKE MILLIONS!"

SPORTS WAS PROBABLY THE SAME THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY HAD US OVER HERE, IN THE FIELD ON A PLANTATION.

WE WAS PROBABLY OUT THERE, WORKING OUT,

RUNNING BACK AND FORTH.

MASTER CAME OUT, SAW US RUNNING...

[imitates whooshing]

"LOOK AT 'EM GO!

MEETING!"

"JUMPING GEE WILLIKERS,

"DID YOU SEE HOW FAST HE WAS RUNNING?

"IMAGINE IF WE PUT SOME SHOES ON HIM!

"OKAY, OKAY, WAIT, BUT WE HAVE TO HAVE

"SOME ORGANIZATION, ALL RIGHT?

"WE NEED TO SEPARATE 'EM INTO TWO TEAMS.

"HOME NEGROES AGAINST RUN AWAY NEGROES.

"IT'S GONNA BE AMAZING.

"WE'LL PUT A BALL IN THEIR HAND,

"THROW SOME JERSEYS ON 'EM.

"SWOOPS ON THEIR SHOES-- THEY'LL KILL FOR IT.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE MILLIONS!"

FOOD WAS PROBABLY THE SAME THING.

YO, Y'ALL KNOW BLACK FOLKS.

SHOOT, THEY GAVE US THE SCRAPS. Y'ALL REMEMBER.

BUT WE JUST PUT A LITTLE SEASONING ON IT.

WE KNOW HOW TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHIN', RIGHT?

[cheers and applause]

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS. SHOOT.

THEY GAVE US PIG INTESTINES,

AND WE MADE IT TASTE LIKE DA SHIT.

THAT'S HOW THEY GOT THEY NAME--CHITLINS.

"THEM THE CHITLINS RIGHT THERE, GIRL."

YEAH, EVEN BREAKFAST FOOD.

THEY GAVE US GRAIN.

WE MADE GRITS. YEAH!

SHOOT, YOU KNOW. EXACTLY.

WHITE PEOPLE CAPITALIZED OFF OF THAT.

PROBABLY EARLY ONE SUNDAY MORNING,

MASTER WAS WALKING PAST THE CABIN.

[sniffing]

"MEETING!"

[laughter]

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT IN THE WORLD AUNT JEMIMA'S IN THERE COOKING,

"BUT WE NEED TO BOX IT!

"WHILE WE'RE AT IT, UH, GRAB HER UNCLE TOO, BEN.

HE'S AMAZING WITH THE RICE."

THAT'S FOR REAL, Y'ALL. WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING.

2011--WE GOT BLACK FOLKS IN OFFICE,

AND THERE'S STILL SLAVES ON OUR FOOD.

AIN'T THAT SOMETHING?

UNCLE BEN, AUNT JEMIMA-- THOSE WERE SLAVES.

I DON'T WANT TO BE EATING RICE, I GOT TO THINK ABOUT SLAVERY.

UNCLE BEN JUST SMILING ALL IN MY FACE.

THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE

THAT ARE QUALIFIED TO HAVE SOME RICE.

WE DONE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH,

GIVE SOMEBODY ELSE SOME DAMN RICE.

DAMN IT, I'LL EAT SOME CONDOLEEZZA RICE.

IT'LL PUT GAPS IN YOUR TEETH, BUT IT'LL BE A'IGHT.

[audience aws]

Y'ALL KNOW SHE GOT A BIG-ASS GAP IN HER TEETH.

WHAT YOU AWING ABOUT?

YEAH, WE NEED TO HAVE SOME MEETINGS, MAN.

MATTER OF FACT, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A MEETING HERE TONIGHT.

IT'S GONNA BE THE FIRST MEETING, BLACK FOLKS, ALL RIGHT?

[cheers and applause]

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL INVITED.

JUST KEEP QUIET.

WE DO, MAN, JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO GET TOO DEEP,

BUT THIS IS A TRUE STATISTIC RIGHT HERE, Y'ALL.

IN 1865, WHEN SLAVERY WAS ABOLISHED,

BLACK PEOPLE WERE LESS THAN 1% OF THIS NATION'S WEALTH.

TODAY, IN 2011,

BLACK PEOPLE ARE LESS THAN 1% OF THIS NATION'S WEALTH.

WE NEED TO HAVE A DAMN MEETING!

WE DO!

YOU SEE, THEY TRY TO FOOL US, THOUGH.

THEY TRY TO FOOL US WITH THE LITTLE OPRAHS

AND, YOU KNOW, THE JAY-Zs, MICHAEL JORDAN.

THINK WE GOT PAPER? MM-MM. SHOOT.

FOR EVERY OPRAH, THERE'S 2 MILLION BROKE-OHS...

EATING OKRA.

AND IT'S REAL. WE GOT TO COME TOGETHER, MAN,

'CAUSE THEY JUST THROW STUFF ON US, Y'ALL,

LIKE BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

HOW YOU GONNA GIVE US THE SHORTEST MONTH

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN WINTER?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BARBECUE IN FEBRUARY?

THAT DON'T--

GIVE ME JULY.

NEED TO HAVE SOME MEETINGS.

EVEN REPARATIONS--

WHO SIGNED UP FOR THAT? WHO NEGOTIATED THAT?

WE DIDN'T GET IT--

BUT THE BIG 40 ACRES AND A MULE.

I CAN'T PUT NO RIMS ON A MULE.

WHAT DOES--

I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE DID US

LIKE THEY DID THE INDIANS.

YOU KNOW, GIVE ME SOME CASINOS.

KEEP THE 40 ACRES.

SHOOT, YOU IMAGINE IF BLACK FOLKS HAD A CASINO?

IT'D BE CALLED CANEGROES.

IT'D BE ONLY GAMES BLACK PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO PLAY?

- SPADES. - SPADES.

[cheers and applause]

DOMINOES.

BID WHIST, TONK.

RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT. RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT.

[laughter]

PIT BULL FIGHTS.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE INDIANS DID IT RIGHT.

THEY GOT THEY CASINOS, AND THEY NAMED THEM

AFTER ALL OF THEM BEAUTIFUL INDIAN NAMES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? LIKE BORGATA, THE AZTEC.

BLACK PEOPLE, WE'D HAVE TO DO THE SAME THING.

"HEY, DOG, I'M ABOUT TO GO DOWN TO THE SHANIQUA."

SHIT, I HEAR THEY GOT ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SUNFLOWER SEEDS

DOWN AT THE TAJ JAMAL.

PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE NO AIR CONDITIONING

UP IN THERE, RIGHT?

JUST BE A BUNCH OF OLD LADIES PASSING OUT CHURCH FANS,

JUST...

"PLAY THE GAME. JUST PLAY THE GAME."

PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE--

WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE NO SLOT MACHINES.

JUST BE A BUNCH OF CRACKHEADS LINED UP NEXT TO EACH OTHER,

TALKING ABOUT, "PICK A HAND, DOG, PICK A HAND."

[laughter]

GOTTA GET OUR MONEY RIGHT, Y'ALL.

WE DO.

HAVE SOME TYPE OF MEETINGS OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LET NONE OF THIS GO TO MY HEAD.

NONE OF THIS FAME AND MONEY AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

UH-UH.

I WAS TAUGHT TO, YOU KNOW,

ALWAYS STAY GROUNDED AND KEEP GOD FIRST,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

NEVER CHANGE THE WAY YOU WERE RAISED.

[applause] THAT'S REAL TALK, Y'ALL.

THAT'S WHY I HAD THE SAME BROKE MENTALITY

THAT I GREW UP WITH, FOR REAL.

I CALLED IT "HOOD HABITS."

THAT'S RIGHT. SAY IT WITH ME, Y'ALL.

all: HOOD HABITS.

TAMMY...

YOU DIDN'T SAY IT.

TAMMY, I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY A LITTLE CONFUSING.

HOOD HABITS-- LET ME TRANSLATE IT FOR YOU.

TRAILER PARK TENDENCIES.

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT, TAMMY?

GIVE ME SOME. I'M HERE ALL NIGHT, BABY.

'CAUSE IT'S THE SAME THING.

HOOD HABITS, TRAILER PARK TENDENCIES--SAME THING.

I STILL DO THE SAME STUFF. IT DON'T MATTER.

I STILL BE PUTTING BATTERIES IN THE FREEZER.

IT MAKE THE REMOTE WORK LONGER, RIGHT?

HOOD HABITS.

SHOOT, IF I WALK PAST A PAY PHONE,

CLANK, CLANK, CLANK, CLANK, I'M CHECKING.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED AN EXTRA 35 CENTS.

IT'S REAL TALK.

SHOOT, I STILL BE SNEAKIN' FOOD INTO THE MOVIE THEATER.

YOU KNOW?

OLD-SCHOOL PLAYER KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU DID NOT BUY THAT POPCORN AT THE SNACK BAR.

THAT GOT A 7-ELEVEN RECEIPT ON IT.

I SEE IT.

HEY, I AIN'T MAD AT YOU, PLAYER.

SHOOT, I BE SNEAKING FOOD INTO THE MOVIES

THAT DON'T EVEN BELONG IN THE MOVIES.

JUST BE OLD LEFTOVER CHICKEN WRAPPED UP IN ALUMINUM FOIL.

YOU HEAR GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE.

SHOOT, I SHOW UP TO MOVIE PREMIERES,

I'LL BE IN THERE POPPING SODA CANS.

SPISH!

"WAS THAT A SODA CAN?"

I WENT TO THE LAST MEN IN BLACK PREMIERE

WITH A BAG OF OODLES OF NOODLES.

JUST...

"WILL, YOU BETTER QUIT PLAYING AND GET YOU SOME OF THIS."

I DON'T CARE. THAT'S THEM HOOD HABITS.

AND SEE, MY WIFE--SHE'S TRYING TO BREAK ME OF MY HOOD HABITS,

'CAUSE, MAN, THAT'S THE CLASSIEST WOMAN I'VE EVER MET.

OH, SHE'S SO CLASSY.

SHE'S TRYING TO ELEVATE ME, Y'ALL.

SHE REALLY IS.

BUT I JUST CAN'T LET GO.

SHE DO STUFF-- LIKE, SHE COLLECTS ART.

IT'S LIKE PRICELESS PAINTINGS

HANGING ALL ON THE WALL AT THE HOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT WAS HANGING ON THE WALL AT MY HOUSE GROWING UP?

THAT BIG WOODEN SPOON AND FORK IN YOUR MAMA KITCHEN.

[cheers and applause] RIGHT?

THAT WAS ART.

TAKE IT DOWN,

MIGHT GET YOU A PRICELESS ASS WHUPPING, THAT'S...

ABOUT AS PRICELESS AS IT GETS.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

MY WIFE--SHE'S CLASSY.

SHE'S TRYING TO HELP ME THROUGH ALL OF THIS, MAN.

SHE TAKES ME TO ALL OF THESE FANCY RESTAURANTS.

I HATE THEM FOO-FOO, CHICHI-ASS RESTAURANTS,

FOR REAL, 'CAUSE I CAN'T ORDER NOTHIN'

OFF THE DAMN MENU WITHOUT HAVING TO USE A ROSETTA STONE.

IT'S JUST EMBARRASSING.

I CAN'T PRONOUNCE NONE OF THAT STUFF.

EVEN THE DESSERTS IS HARD TO SAY.

CAN'T SAY NONE OF THAT STUFF.

MATTER OF FACT, THEY GOT A DESSERT--

Y'ALL PROBABLY HEARD OF THIS STUFF.

IT'S CALLED, UM... TIRAM--TIRAMUSIO--

all: TIRAMISU.

- WHAT IS IT? MUSI-WHO?

LET ME GET TWO ME-SO-HORNYS.

'CAUSE I DON'T-- THAT'S NOT A DESSERT TO ME.

A DESSERT TO ME IS A GOOD PIECE OF WONDER BREAD

WITH SOME CINNAMON AND SOME SUGAR

AND SOME BUTTER ON THAT BAD BOY.

AND YOU PUT IT IN THAT THING UP UNDER THE OVEN,

THAT'S A DESSERT!

SHOOT, YOU CALL THAT CINNAMON NIGGA-CRUNCH.

OOH, I LOVE CINNAMON NIGGA-CRUNCH.

BE A SPOKESPERSON FOR SOME CINNAMON NIGGA-CRUNCH.

TODD, TAMMY, Y'ALL TRY THAT WHEN Y'ALL GET HOME.

IT'LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

- [mouths words]

- SHE'S LIKE, "I LIKE IT."

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

THEN I GUESS--SHE--MY WIFE-- SHE'S TRYING TO ELEVATE ME,

BUT I CAN'T GET WITH IT.

SHE LOVES ALL THESE CLASSIC MOVIES,

LIKE FELLINI AND GONE WITH THE WIND,

CASABLANCA.

YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T NO MEXICANS IN CASABLANCA?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, BECAUSE TO ME,

A CLASSIC MOVIE IS BEAT STREET,

BREAKIN',

ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.

I LOVE THEM '80s BREAK-DANCE MOVIES, Y'ALL.

LOVE 'EM. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT'S GOING ON IN A MOVIE,

NO MATTER THE PLOT,

NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEM IS IN THE SCRIPT,

THEY ALWAYS SOLVED IT BY DANCING.

YEAH, FOR REAL, BEAT STREET, LIKE--

"SAY, MAN, I DON'T LIKE YOU, MAN.

"YOU FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS.

"YOU JUST GOT MY MAN RAMON HIT BY THE SUBWAY.

LET'S BOOGIE!"

[imitating dance beat]

[laughter]

ELECTRIC BOOGALOO WAS THE SAME THING, RIGHT?

YOU GOT THAT--"SAY, BROTHER,

"I JUST GOT THIS JIVE LETTER FROM CITY HALL, MAN.

"THEY SAID THEY GONNA SHUT THE COMMUNITY CENTER DOWN.

"WHAT IS WE GONNA DO?

LET'S BOOGIE!"

[imitating dance beat]

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

RIGHT?

LOVE THEM MOVIES.

KIND OF HORRIBLE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THOUGH,

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW HOLLYWOOD THINK

BLACK PEOPLE SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS.

LIKE WE JUST GONNA DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY

TILL WE GET THESE BILLS PAID.

GONNA GO DOWN THIS SOUL TRAIN LINE

TILL WE GET TO THE WELFARE LINE.

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

HORRIBLE.

Y'ALL LAUGHING ALL HARD.

THAT'S THE WAY Y'ALL THINK ABOUT US?

WHAT IF WE THOUGHT THAT WAY ABOUT YOU, TAMMY AND TODD?

"HEY, TODD, WE'RE ALL OUT OF MAYONNAISE.

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

LET'S BOOGIE."

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

IS THAT THE WAY YOU DANCE, TAMMY?

"NO, I FIST PUMP."

[laughter]

WHITE GIRL OVERBITE!

[laughter]

WHY DO Y'ALL DO THAT?

GONNA BITE OFF THE LITTLE LIPS THAT Y'ALL GOT.

JUST PLAYING.

HOOD HABITS, YEAH.

NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S AT YOU.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A HOOD HABIT OR NOT,

BUT IT'S SOMETHING THAT I'VE NOTICED

SINCE I'VE BEEN MARRIED.

WOMEN, Y'ALL HAVE A LOT OF PRODUCTS.

OH, MAN, WHAT--

Y'ALL, LADIES, Y'ALL GOT A LOT OF PRODUCTS?

[cheers and applause] YEAH, MY WIFE--

SHOOT, HER BATHROOM WALL JUST LOOK LIKE RITE-AID.

SHE BE PUTTING ON ALL THESE CREAMS AT NIGHT

BEFORE WE GO TO BED,

LIKE WE ABOUT TO BOX OR SOMETHING.

I JUST BE GRABBING STUFF AND SQUEEZING IT.

I DON'T CARE.

I PICKED UP THIS STUFF THE OTHER DAY.

THIS STUFF WAS AMAZING.

Y'ALL MIGHT HAVE HEARD OF THIS STUFF.

UH, CONDITIONER?

NO, FOR REAL. I ASKED MY WIFE.

SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH, BABY, THAT'S CONDITIONER.

"YOU COULD USE THAT.

"THAT'S FOR THE COARSE AREAS OF YOUR HAIR.

YOU PUT IT ON THERE, AND IT MAKES IT SOFTER."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

SO I PUT IT ON THE COARSEST HAIR THAT I GOT.

AND LET ME TELL YOU, LET ME TELL YOU!

MY MAN BUSH IS SILKY SMOOTH.

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

OH, YEAH, I GOT GOOD HAIR DOWN THERE NOW, Y'ALL.

OH, YEAH. I'M LIGHT-SKINNED DOWN THERE, TOO.

MATTER OF FACT, I CAN PUT A PART IN THE MIDDLE.

JUST...

LOOK LIKE LOUIS FARRAKHAN DOWN THERE, JUST...

"MY BROTHER, MY BROTHER."

'CAUSE WE DIDN'T GROW UP WITH NO CONDITIONER

AND SHAMPOO AND ALL OF THAT STUFF, DID WE?

WE WANTED TO WASH OUR HAIR, WHAT WOULD WE USE?

- SOAP. - DISHWASHING SOAP!

SHOOT, DISHWASHING LIQUID

WAS A MULTIPURPOSE PRODUCT IN MY HOUSEHOLD, Y'ALL.

SHOOT, YOU'D USE IT AS SHAMPOO, BUBBLE BATH...

CAR WASH...

MOUTHWASH.

YOU'D GO TO SCHOOL SMELLING LIKE LEMON AND PLATES.

AMAZING.

DISHWASHING LIQUID GET OUT TACO GREASE AND DANDRUFF.

THIS IS WONDERFUL.

[laughs]

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, I DON'T KNOW

ABOUT ALL THEM PRODUCTS AND STUFF.

MY WIFE, SHE EVEN CARRIES PRODUCTS WITH HER IN HER PURSE.

LIKE, WHEN WE GO TO THE FANCY RESTAURANT,

SHE GOT TO PULL OUT HER STUFF BEFORE WE EAT

CALLED HAND SANITIZER.

I MEAN, THAT'S COOL.

YOU KNOW, YOU WANT TO STAY GERM-FREE.

I UNDERSTAND THAT. THAT'S COOL.

BUT THEN EVEN AFTER THE MEAL, TO WIPE HER FACE,

SHE PULL OUT THIS THING CALLED A MOIST TOWELETTE.

MOIST TOWELETTE?

NO HOMO.

'CAUSE IF MY MAMA WANTED TO GET SOMETHING OFF MY FACE,

WHAT WOULD SHE USE?

SPIT. "AH! COME HERE, BOY."

UGH.

SMELL LIKE BOO-BOO AND NEWPORTS.

NOW I GOT TO GO TO SCHOOL

SMELLING LIKE BOO-BOO AND NEWPORTS.

[laughter]

I MAKE FUN OF MY MOM,

BUT SHE DID THE BEST WITH WHAT SHE HAD.

[woman cheers] MAN, DON'T SCREAM FOR THAT.

THAT JUST MEANS SHE CHEAP AS HELL.

SHE IS. I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY ONE.

Y'ALL HAVE SOME CHEAP MOMS?

CLAP IF YOU HAVE SOME CHEAP MOMS.

[cheers and applause]

OKAY, I KNOW I AIN'T THE ONLY ONE IN HERE.

TAMMY AND TODD, YOU GUYS ARE NOT CLAPPING.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WE HAVE NO IDEA

"WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, NEGRO.

WE HAVE MUTUAL FUNDS."

I'M TELLING YOU, SEE, THAT'S PROBABLY 'CAUSE Y'ALL GREW UP

WITH ALL TYPE OF LUXURIES AND STUFF, RIGHT?

FOR REAL? - NO.

- NO, YOU SAY NO, BUT I BET YOU YOUR DEFINITION OF A LUXURY

IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE.

LIKE, YOU GUYS PROBABLY HAD LUXURIES, LIKE...

MILK.

RIGHT? YOU HAD MILK IN YOUR CEREAL, RIGHT?

YEAH. NOW, WHAT'D WE HAVE?

all: WATER. - WATER.

SEE, AND YOU PROBABLY HAD ALL THEM FANCY CEREALS AND STUFF,

CEREALS WITH THE FAMOUS CHARACTERS ON IT.

THEY HAD SLOGANS AND COMMERCIALS AND STUFF.

SHOOT, MY MOM BOUGHT CEREAL WITH CHARACTERS ON IT

AIN'T NOBODY EVER HEARD OF.

THEY WERE JUST BOOTLEG CHARACTERS.

LIKE, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE CEREAL CHARACTERS

THAT Y'ALL GREW UP WITH?

[audience shouting] CAP'N CRUNCH?

NOT ME. I HAD SERGEANT SOGGY.

HE'S ALL DISCHARGED FROM THE ARMY,

LOST ONE ARM IN VIETNAM.

CRUNCH BERRIES FALLING ALL OUT HIS POCKETS.

WHAT'S SOME OTHER ONES?

[audience shouting]

TOUCAN SAM?

SHOOT, I HAD--I HAD A OLD, JUST YELLOW PIGEON.

WAS FRUITIER THAN A LOOP, I TELL YOU, BOY.

WHAT'S SOME OTHER ONES?

[audience shouting] TONY THE TIGER?

SHOOT, I HAD TYRONE THE TIGER.

AND, YOU KNOW, TONY THE TIGER WAS REAL ENTHUSIASTIC

ABOUT HIS JOB.

HE WAS HAPPY TO GO TO WORK

AT THE FROSTED FLAKES COMMERCIAL, RIGHT?

HE'D COME OUT THERE AND BE LIKE, "THEY'RE GREAT!"

TYRONE WAS LIKE, "NIGGA, THEY A'IGHT.

GRRR, GRRR."

[laughter]

"I'D RATHER HAVE ME SOME GRITS.

WHAT TIME WE GET OFF?"

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU KNOW,

BUT YOU KNOW THE CEREAL THAT I ALWAYS WANTED?

OH, OOH, I WANTED THIS CEREAL SO BAD.

KELLOGG'S RICE KRISPIES.

YOU REMEMBER THEM WITH THE THREE DUDES?

WHAT WAS THEIR NAME? SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP.

YEAH, I AIN'T HAD IT.

I HAD THREE LITTLE DRUG ADDICTS--

METH, CRACKHEAD, AND POT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHY I WANTED KELLOGG'S RICE KRISPIES SO MUCH?

'CAUSE THEY SAID WHEN YOU POUR THE MILK IN IT...

THEY TALK TO YOU. YEAH.

NOT MINE. MINE JUST SAID

OLD NASTY, DISGUSTING STUFF FOR DRUG MONEY.

"NIGGA, I SUCK YOUR DICK."

[laughter]

[raucous laughter]

MAMA BE LIKE, "GET YOUR DICK OUT THE RICE KRISPIES, BOY!"

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT IF YOU WASN'T SO CHEAP.

YEAH, MY MOM WAS A CHEAP MOM. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID.

"AND YOU BETTER EAT IT, TOO."

[laughter]

[laughing] YEAH, NO HOMO.

CHEAP, MAN, MY MOM WAS CHEAP FOR NO REASON.

NEVER BOUGHT ME NO TOYS.

NEVER BOUGHT ME NO TOYS, BUT I APPRECIATE HER FOR THAT,

BECAUSE IT MADE ME CREATIVE,

'CAUSE UNTIL THIS DAY-- I CAN'T EVEN FRONT--

MY FAVORITE GAME IS THE FAN GAME.

Y'ALL EVER PLAY THE FAN GAME?

OH, THAT WAS A GREAT TIME.

YOU BE IN FRONT OF YOUR MAMA BROKE FAN FOR HOURS, LIKE...

"AHHHHHHH.

THIS IS FU-U-U-N."

FOR REAL, JUST CHEAP FOR NO REASON, MAN.

MOM BOUGHT ME--

AND SHE WOULD NEVER, LIKE, BUY ME TOYS THAT I WANTED.

IT WAS ALWAYS, LIKE, THE BOOTLEG VERSION OF THE TOY,

'CAUSE MY MOTHER USED TO TRAVEL FAR AND WIDE

FOR A BARGAIN.

THIS IS TRUE. THIS IS NO JOKE.

WE LIVED IN SAN DIEGO, SO MY MOTHER USED TO GO

ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MEXICO TO BUY MY TOYS.

[cheers and applause] DON'T CLAP FOR THAT.

FOR REAL, JUST-- AND, MAN, I DIDN'T FIND OUT

TILL ONE DAY SHE BOUGHT ME A SEE N SAY.

Y'ALL REMEMBER THE SEE N SAYS?

IN THE '80s, THAT WAS THE TOY TO HAVE.

IT WAS EDUCATIONAL. IT WAS BLUE OR RED.

I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN SHE GOT HOME FROM TIJUANA.

OH, I WAS, MAN.

SHOOT, I GRABBED THAT THING, TOOK IT OUT THE BOX,

PULLED THE STRING.

IT STARTED SPINNING, AND IT LANDED ON A COW.

THAT THING SAID, "LA VACA."

"LA VACA DICE, 'MOO, MOO.'"

[laughter and applause]

I WAS GOING TO THE ZOO, CONFUSED AS HELL.

LIKE, "THAT AIN'T NO COW.

"THAT'S A LA VACA.

DICE, 'MOO.' LET'S GO."

[laughter]

YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW. SHUT UP.

THERE WAS COWS IN THE ZOO IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

IT WAS A TOUGH NEIGHBORHOOD-- COWS AND PIT BULLS.

IT WAS TOUGH.

I MAKE FUN OF MY MOM, BUT, HONESTLY,

I WOULDN'T BE STANDING ON THIS STAGE TONIGHT

IF IT WASN'T FOR THE SACRIFICES THAT MY MOTHER MADE, SO...

[cheers and applause]

SHE WORKED HARD.

SHE HAD ME WHILE SHE WAS STILL IN SCHOOL,

WORKED SEVERAL JOBS WHILE RAISING ME,

AND I KNOW IT WAS HARD RAISING ME, TOO,

'CAUSE I WAS BAD, Y'ALL.

I WAS A BAD KID, REAL BAD.

SHOOT, SECOND GRADE, THEY DIAGNOSED ME WITH A.D.D.

A.D.H.D. SHOOT, THAT WAS THE HIGH-DEF VERSION.

[laughter]

[laughs] FOR REAL, I WAS BAD, Y'ALL.

I WAS JUST BAD FOR NO REASON.

LIKE, IF YOU GUYS WERE EVER BAD IN SCHOOL

AND THEN YOUR MOM, LIKE, THREATENED YOU TO, LIKE--

"I'LL COME UP OFF MY JOB AND COME UP THERE

"AND EMBARRASS YOU IN FRONT OF THEM KIDS.

DON'T MAKE ME COME FROM MY JOB AND COME UP TO THAT SCHOOL."

SHOOT, MY MOM WAS SO YOUNG,

SHE USED TO COME FROM HER SCHOOL TO BEAT ME.

"I GOT P.E. NEXT PERIOD!

MESSING UP BOTH OUR EDUCATIONS."

PRINCIPAL COME OVER THERE AND SEND US BOTH TO DETENTION.

"YOUR FAULT, MAMA.

QUIT BULLSHITTING AND PASS ME A LUNCHABLE."

IT'S TRUE, THOUGH, MAN, AND I ACTUALLY HAVE

SO MUCH MORE RESPECT AND ADMIRATION

AND APPRECIATION FOR MY MOM

NOW THAT I'M GETTING READY TO BECOME A FATHER,

'CAUSE JUST THINKING ABOUT ALL THE EMOTIONS

AND THE MENTAL THINGS YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THAT, MAN,

'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO Y'ALL, MAN.

I AM HORRIFIED, SCARED, Y'ALL, OF BEING A FATHER.

AND IT PROBABLY AIN'T EVEN A REASON

WHY Y'ALL THINK I SHOULD BE SCARED.

I'M SCARED THAT-- I HOPE THEY DON'T GET

THAT BADASS GENE THAT RUN THROUGH MY FAMILY.

NAH, 'CAUSE ALL THE KIDS IN MY FAMILY ARE BAD,

JUST BAD FOR NO REASON.

Y'ALL GOT BAD KIDS IN Y'ALL FAMILY?

[cheers and applause]

OH, OKAY, I WAS JUST CHECKING.

SOME OF Y'ALL GOT SOME BADASS KIDS AT HOME RIGHT NOW,

"YOU DON'T CARE IF THEY THERE WHEN YOU GET BACK" TYPE BAD.

LIKE, "I WAS AT THE COMEDY SHOW,

AND JESUS JUST TOOK HIM IN HIS SLEEP."

I'M TELLING YOU, Y'ALL, JUST BAD FOR NO REASON.

YOU EVER MEET THEM KIDS SO BAD

THAT YOU WANT TO JUST GIVE 'EM NOTHING BUT BAD ADVICE?

LIKE, "STRANGERS GOT THE BEST CANDY."

[laughter]

"WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY HOPSCOTCH ON THE FREEWAYS?

IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR AGILITY."

IT'S NO JOKE, Y'ALL, BECAUSE I GOT A FOUR-YEAR-OLD NIECE.

SHE IS THE DEVIL REINCARNATED.

HER NAME IS JUICY.

[audience ohs] YEAH, EXACTLY.

JUST DESTINED FOR THE STRIPPER POLE, RIGHT?

WHAT ELSE YOU GONNA BE WITH A NAME LIKE JUICY?

IT AIN'T GONNA BE CONGRESSWOMAN JUICY.

GONNA BE, "COMING TO THE STAGE,

"DOING SOMETHING STRANGE FOR SOME CHANGE,

JUICY!"

AND SEE, THE FIRST PROBLEM IS,

HER MAMA NAMED HER JUICICA.

YEAH, THAT'S HORRIBLE. WE'LL COME BACK TO THAT LATER.

THAT'S...

BUT SEE, SHE DON'T WANT YOU TO CALL HER BY HER FULL NAME.

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, JUICICA, HOW YOU DOIN'?"

"MY NAME IS JUICY!

IT JUST COME OUT YOUR MOUTH SO LOOSELY."

IT'S LIKE, "YOU ARE FOUR YEARS OLD!

"WHY YOU GOT LITTLE SLUT RHYMES...

AT FOUR?"

OH, Y'ALL SHOULD SEE HER, TOO. YO, I CAN'T STAND HER.

SHE'S STILL WEARING A DIAPER,

JUST BOWLEGGED AND PIGEON-TOED,

ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

JUST HAIR FULL OF THEM LITTLE PLASTIC BARRETTES,

JUST HEAR HER COMING, JUST CRSK-CRSK-CRSK-CRSK.

CRSK-CRSK-CRSK. SOUND LIKE A GHETTO RATTLESNAKE.

JUST CRSK-CRSK, CRSK-CRSK-CRSK.

SHE JUST THINKS SHE KNOW EVERY DAMN THING,

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THEM LITTLE SMART ALECK LITTLE KIDS.

EVERYTHING'S, "MY MAMA SAID. MY MAMA SAID."

NOBODY CARE ABOUT WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID.

SHE ONLY 14.

OH, I CAN'T STAND JUICY!

AND THE FAMILY ALWAYS WANT TO SEND JUICY

TO COME ASK ME FOR STUFF LIKE MONEY

OR THEY NEED SOMETHING.

DON'T SEND THIS FOUR-YEAR-OLD CAN'T EVEN REALLY TALK GOOD...

UH, WELL...

CORRECTLY.

I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

NAH, BECAUSE SHE GOT THIS LITTLE LISP, RIGHT?

'CAUSE SHE STILL SUCK HER THUMB.

AND THEN SHE WANT TO CALL ME BY MY FULL NAME.

LIKE, SHE SEEN IT ON TV.

LIKE, WE'RE NOT RELATED TO EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING.

BE LIKE, "HEY, DICK CANNON,

MY MAMA SAID WE NEED A NEW 'FINGERNATOR.'"

LIKE, "FIRST OFF, JUICY, MY NAME IS NICK, OKAY?

"NICK, WITH AN 'N,' WITH YOUR LITTLE LISPY ASS.

NICK."

LIKE, "THAT'S WHAT I SAID, DICK."

[laughter]

"CORNY-ASS NIGGA."

CAN'T STAND JUICY. OH!

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE HER NOWHERE.

CAN'T TAKE HER OUT IN PUBLIC,

'CAUSE HER LITTLE INNER STRIPPER WANT TO COME OUT.

Y'ALL KNOW THE TYPE OF KIDS I'M TALKING ABOUT?

LITTLE KIDS THAT JUST LIKE TO GET NAKED FOR NO REASON,

BE ALL IN THE GROCERY STORE, JUST--

JUST NAKED ALL AROUND THE PRODUCE?

LIKE, WHAT IS UP? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

LIKE, WE TRIED TO TAKE JUICY TO CHURCH LAST EASTER.

OH, AND YOU-- BLACK FOLKS, YOU KNOW

WHEN WE GO TO CHURCH ON EASTER, WE GO TO CHURCH.

YOU KNOW, WE GO GET NEW OUTFITS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? GET YOUR HAIR DONE.

YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE KIDS BE ONSTAGE,

DOING THEY EASTER SPEECH.

HERE COME JUICY.

CRSK-CRSK-CRSK-CRSK.

CRSK-CRSK-CRSK.

AND I GOTTA GIVE IT TO HER, 'CAUSE SHE STARTED OFF GREAT.

SHE CAME OUT THERE IN HER CUTE LITTLE PINK DRESS.

SHE WAS LIKE...

[laughter]

"JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON."

[laughter]

* AIN'T YOUR MAMA PRETTY

* SHE GOT MEATBALLS ON HER TITTIES *

* SCRAMBLED EGGS BETWEEN HER LEGS *

* AIN'T YOUR MAMA PRETTY?

"GET YOUR BAD ASS OFF THE STAGE, JUICY!"

[laughter]

DEACONS WAS TRYING TO TIP HER.

GET THE DOLLAR OUT OF THE DIAPER--SHE'S ONLY FOUR.

[laughs]

I KNOW. WHY'S SHE STILL WEARING A DIAPER?

THAT IS A SHAME.

MAN, I HOPE MY KIDS DON'T HANG AROUND JUICY.

THEY WILL NOT BE ALLOWED, I'LL TELL YOU.

SINCE WE MAKING WISHFUL REQUESTS ABOUT MY CHILDREN,

I'M JUST GONNA GO AHEAD AND PUT IT OUT THERE RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA TELL Y'ALL.

Y'ALL ARE THE FIRST PEOPLE I'M GONNA TELL.

I HOPE I DON'T HAVE NONE OF THEM LITTLE CELEBRITY KIDS.

I AIN'T GONNA FRONT. I BELIEVE--

YOU SEE THEM CELEBRITIES

BE PARADING THEY KIDS AROUND ALL THE TIME,

BE PUTTING THEM IN ADS AND STUFF LIKE THAT?

THEY SHOULD JUST LET KIDS BE KIDS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

RIGHT? [cheers and applause]

IS IT ME? BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THEM CELEBRITIES--

THEY DON'T EVEN BE WITH THEIR KIDS ALL THE TIME.

I CALL THEM "SOUVENIR BABIES."

IT BE A KID THAT THEY DONE PURCHASED

WHILE THEY WAS OUT TRAVELING THE WORLD.

LIKE, "HEY, LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT YOU BACK FROM MALAWI."

"THAT'S A BABY.

"I HAD ASKED FOR A KEY CHAIN.

"YO, I SAID, 'BRING ME A POSTCARD FROM SOMALIA,'

"NOT THE POSTER CHILD OF SOMALIA.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THESE FLIES?"

[groans and laughter]

"OH" MY ASS!

Y'ALL KNOW IT'S FLIES OVER IN SOMALIA!

DON'T ACT LIKE THAT'S THE FIRST TIME Y'ALL HEARD THAT.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE INSENSITIVE.

I'M NOT. I'M REALLY NOT.

I BELIEVE ADOPTION IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

IT'S ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING THINGS IN THE WORLD

WHEN DONE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS,

BECAUSE TO ME, THESE CELEBRITIES--

THEY JUST A LITTLE EGOMANIACAL WITH IT, Y'ALL.

THEY TOO SELF-INDULGENT.

LIKE, "WE'RE SAVING THEM."

SAVING THEM FROM WHAT?

TO COME LIVE WITH YOUR NARCISSISTIC ASS

AND GO TO CHURCH WITH TOM CRUISE?

HEY, I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES IN SOMALIA, ALL RIGHT?

I'M TELLING YOU--'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO GET TOO DEEP.

HEY, LAST TIME I CHECKED,

THE 13TH AMENDMENT OUTLAWED BUYING AND SELLING PEOPLE.

RIGHT? I'M JUST SAYING.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

AND IS IT JUST ME, OR DO BRAD AND ANGELINA

JUST LOOK LIKE SOME SHOPAHOLICS?

OH, THEY STARTING THEY OWN LITTLE SWEATSHOP, AIN'T THEY?

THEY GOT ONE OF EVERY KIND, JUST...

THEY FAMILY PHOTOS LOOK LIKE THE COVER OF A SOCIAL STUDIES BOOK.

JUST...

[laughter]

Y'ALL JUST LETTING IT HAPPEN 'CAUSE IT'S CUTE.

IT'S ADORABLE.

HEY, WELL, IF Y'ALL LETTING IT HAPPEN,

DAMN IT, I WANT TO GO ADOPT ME SOME KIDS, TOO.

OH, YEAH, BUT I AIN'T GOING TO MALAWI, AFRICA,

NONE OF THEM PLACES, NOPE.

I'M GOING STRAIGHT TO THE SWISS ALPS.

OH, YEAH. I'M GONNA FIND ME THE MOST BLOND-HAIRED,

BLUE-EYED SET OF "CAUCASOIDIAN" TWINS I CAN FIND.

UH-HUH, AND I'M GONNA PARADE THEM AROUND

JUST LIKE THEM OTHER CELEBRITIES DO.

I AIN'T GONNA COMB THEY DAMN HAIR.

IT'S JUST GONNA BE TWO BIG BLOND-ASS AFROS, JUST...

IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE THING ONE AND THING TWO, JUST...

COME ON, LITTLE LUDWIG AND GUS GUSTAV, LET'S GO.

I'M GONNA DO LIKE MY FRIENDS WILL AND JADA

AND SIGN THEM TO MY RECORD LABEL.

I'M FOR REAL. NAH, I THINK THAT'S HOT.

GET THAT MONEY.

SHOOT, I'M GONNA START A RAP GROUP WITH THEM,

CALL 'EM LUDI GUS GUS.

"NOW, GO OVER THERE, LUDI GUS GUS,

PERFORM THAT SONG YOUR MAMA WROTE FOR YOU."

* MY MAMA DON'T COMB MY HAIR OUT ENOUGH *

* DON'T COMB MY HAIR...

[laughter]

COMB THEM DAMN KIDS' HAIR.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? ALL HONESTY--

IF I WERE TO ADOPT A CHILD FROM ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD,

YOU KNOW WHAT CHILD I WOULD WANT TO ADOPT?

THAT LITTLE INDONESIAN SMOKING BABY.

HAVE Y'ALL SEEN THIS? THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR.

GO HOME TONIGHT AND GOOGLE "INDONESIAN SMOKING BABY."

THIS IS THE TRUTH.

THIS IS A TWO-YEAR-OLD BABY WHO SMOKES 40 CIGARETTES A DAY,

AND HE SMOKE 'EM LIKE A GANGSTER.

I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL SEEN THIS.

OH, MAN.

HE OUT THERE ON THE VIDEOS.

HE IN HIS LITTLE WIFE BEATER, HANGING WITH HIS LITTLE CREW,

JUST SMOKING, TALKING SHIT, DOING TRICKS, JUST...

"HEALTH CARE IN INDONESIA'S SOME BULLSHIT."

IT'S NO JOKE, Y'ALL.

HE JUST OVER THERE, JUST SMOKE PROFESSIONALLY,

BLOWING RINGS, JUST SMOKING AND BREAST-FEEDING AT THE SAME TIME,

JUST... [sucking, exhales]

"AIN'T NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE AFTER-TITTY CIGARETTE."

[laughter]

COULD Y'ALL IMAGINE IF I TOOK THAT BABY BACK HOME TO MY WIFE?

PROBABLY COME IN, LIKE...

"OH, THIS IS NICE.

"OH, YOU MARRIED TO MARIAH!

"MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT!

QUIT BULLSHITTING."

PROBABLY GONNA BE MY BABIES' FIRST WORDS--

"QUIT BULLSHITTING."

I'M PLAYING. I'M GONNA BE A GOOD FATHER, Y'ALL.

SOME OF Y'ALL LOOK WORRIED.

I AM. I'M GONNA BE A GREAT FATHER,

'CAUSE I GOT SOME GOOD MALE ROLE MODELS IN MY LIFE.

EVEN THE BAD ONES ARE GOOD...

FOR REAL, LIKE MY GRANDFATHER.

I WISH I COULD INTRODUCE Y'ALL TO MY GRANDFATHER.

OOH, HE IS A 75-YEAR-OLD THUG.

JUST BEEN TO THE PENITENTIARY AND EVERYTHING.

HE'S GOT THAT PENITENTIARY SWOLL STILL.

IT LOOK LIKE HE POPPIN' VIAGRA AND STEROIDS

ALL AT THE SAME TIME-- JUST BIG FOR NO REASON.

ONE OF THEM OLD-SCHOOL PLAYERS FROM DOWN SOUTH,

ALWAYS GOT HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET.

YOU DON'T KNOW IF HE GONNA PULL OUT A PEPPERMINT OR A PISTOL.

JUST--JUST GANGSTER.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE DON'T CARE ABOUT MY MONEY.

HE DON'T CARE ABOUT FAME, NONE OF THAT.

HE CAN'T STAND ME, Y'ALL,

'CAUSE I AIN'T GANGSTER ENOUGH TO BE HIS GRANDSON.

HE'LL TELL YOU, TOO.

HE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, SHOOT, SHOOT, NUH-UH.

"WHAT, UH, NICK CANNON?

"SHOOT, AIN'T NO GRANDSON OF MINE.

"SHOOT, HE SOFT AS BABY SHIT. BOY, I'LL TELL YOU.

"NAH, MAN, SEE? SEE?

"'CAUSE I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF GANGSTERS, MAN.

"A LONG LINE OF GANGSTERS.

"SHOOT, SHOOT, I DONE BEEN TO THE PENITENTIARY.

"HIS DADDY DONE BEEN TO THE PENITENTIARY.

"WHERE THIS BOY BEEN?

"NICKELODEON!

"MESSIN' UP THE CYCLE, BOY. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'!

"SHOOT, RUN A RED LIGHT. GET A MISDEMEANOR!

"SOMETHING, BOY!

"SHOOT, NIGGA, LINDSAY LOHAN BEEN TO JAIL.

"NIGGA, YOU CAN'T GO?

"I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, YOU JUST SOFT--

"SOFT AS ELEVATOR MUSIC, MAN, I'LL TELL YOU.

"I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, I CAN'T EVEN GO

"DOWN TO THE LIQUOR STORE NO MORE

"WITHOUT YOU EMBARRASSING ME, MAN.

"GO DOWN THERE, YOU ALL ON THE COVER OF THE TABLOIDS,

"'CAUSE YOU DONE MARRIED LAMYRA CURRY.

"NO, THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH LAMYRA.

"I LIKE LAMYRA.

"BUT YOU JUST DID IT ALL WRONG, MAN.

"YOU JUST BEEN MARRIED FOR ONE DAY,

"YOU GONNA GO GET YOUR WIFE'S NAME

"TATTOOED ALL ACROSS YOUR BACK.

"THAT'S A TATTOO ON YOUR BACK, SAY 'LAMYRA.'

"MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT'S FOR LIFE?

"SHOOT, I DONE BEEN MARRIED TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER FOR 50 YEARS,

"AND HER NAME AIN'T ON MY DAMN MAILBOX,

'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW, NICK. YOU NEVER KNOW."

"I TELL YOU, MAN, SHOOT,

"AND EVEN THEN YOU WANT TO GO OUT THERE

"AND START SOME HIP-HOP BEEF.

"WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

"WITH THE BOY-- WHAT'S HIS NAME?

"UH, UH, ENEMA?

"LEMINA? EMINEM. YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

"EMINEM. NIGGA, WHAT YOU MESSING WITH HIM FOR, MAN?

"AIN'T HE THE NUMBER-ONE GREAT RAPPER OUT THERE RIGHT NOW,

"DOING IT?

"YOU GONNA GO TRY TO BEEF WITH HIM.

"OH, AND YOU LOST, TOO.

"OH, YEAH, YOU DID, 'CAUSE HE SAID

"SOME OL' JUST NASTY,

"JUST DISRESPECTFUL, SLANDEROUS STUFF

"ABOUT YOUR WIFE, BOY.

"AND WHAT YOU DO?

"YOU GONNA GO ON SOME DAMN TWITTER.

"MAN, WHAT'S A TWITTER? I GOT A 9-MILLIMETER.

"YOU JUST TELL ME WHEN TO SHOW UP.

"TWEET TWEET THIS HEAT.

"YOU KNOW, FOLLOW THESE BULLETS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD DO."

I HAD TO CALM MY GRANDFATHER DOWN.

I WAS LIKE, "POP, MAN, CHILL. I GOT THIS.

"YES, EMINEM SAID SOME VERY DISRESPECTFUL,

"SLANDEROUS LIES ABOUT MY WIFE.

"BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M A MAN.

"SO I'M-A HANDLE IT LIKE A MAN.

"I'M-A DO THE MANLY THING.

SO I WROTE HIM A LETTER."

"A LETTER? WHAT YOU GONNA DO, NICK? PAPER CUT HIM?

"SEE, NO, MAN, SEE?

"IF YOU SUPPOSED TO BE MY GRANDSON,

"I GOT TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU, MAN.

"THIS AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT AN OLD-SCHOOL PROBLEM, NICK.

"IT'S AN OLD-SCHOOL PROBLEM. THAT'S ALL THAT IS, MAN.

"SHOOT, I'M OLD, MAN. I'M OLD.

"I'M SO OLD, I REMEMBER WHEN RAINBOWS WAS BLACK AND WHITE.

"I'M OLD, NICK. I'M OLD, MAN. I SEEN THIS BEFORE.

"THAT MAN EMINEM IS JUST JEALOUS

"THAT YOU GOT SOMETHING HE CAN'T HAVE,

"SO YOU GOT TO BE THE BIGGER AND BETTER MAN IN THE SITUATION

"AND SHOW HIM THAT YOU ARE BIGGER AND BETTER THAN HIM.

"DO SOMETHING THAT YOU BIGGER AND BETTER

"THAN EMINEM AT, MAN.

"IT DAMN SURE AIN'T RAPPING, THOUGH, BOY, I TELL YOU.

"NICK, ARE THE WORST RAPPER EVER.

"YOU ARE, MAN. SHOOT, MAN, YOU DID IT HORRIBLE.

"SHOOT, DO THE FAMILY A FAVOR AND NEVER RAP AGAIN.

"DUDE, EVEN AT CHRISTMASTIME, JUST GIVE ME MY GIFT.

"DON'T RAP.

"I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

YOU MAKE 50 TYSON LOOK LIKE JAY-Z."

"BUT YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING, NICK,

"SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE BIGGER THAN EMINEM AT, MAN.

"FIND SOMETHING. MATTER OF FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

"IF IT WAS ME,

"I'D GET ON THE FIRST PLANE TO DETROIT,

"AND I'D SHOW UP TO EMINEM HOUSE

"BUTT-ASS NAKED.

"NO, HOLD ON.

"NAH, BUT HEAR ME OUT, NIGGA.

"YOU GOT TA HEAR ME OUT, MAN. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

"SEE, SEE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS OR NOT,

"BUT YOU ARE A BLACK MAN, AND HE IS A WHITE MAN.

"IT IS SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN

"THAT YOU ARE BLESSED

"WITH SOME EXTRA MANDING-AGE, ALL RIGHT?

"I DIDN'T NAME YOU CANNON FOR NOTHIN'.

"SHOOT, IF IT WAS ME,

"I'D SHOW UP TO EMINEM HOUSE BUTT-ASS NAKED.

"MATTER OF FACT, I'D RING THE DOORBELL WITH MY JOHNSON.

DING-DONG."

[laughter]

COULD Y'ALL IMAGINE IF I TOOK MY GRANDFATHER'S ADVICE?

I'D BE ON TMZ THE NEXT DAY IN FRONT OF EMINEM HOUSE.

[laughter]

"MY--MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME."

MAN BUSH BE ALL SILKY SMOOTH.

I AM NOT THAT GANGSTER. SORRY.

NOT A GANGSTER AT ALL.

SHOOT, I'M NOT. I'M NOT A GANGSTER.

I SMILE FOR A LIVING. I DO.

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT.

[cheers and applause]

NICKELODEON.

AND PEOPLE GET MAD ABOUT THAT.

"WHY YOU ALWAYS SMILIN'?"

I'M SMILING BECAUSE I MADE IT OUT THE HOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

I'M SMILING FOR ALL OF US.

SHOOT, THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT CHEESE.

DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, 'CAUSE I TRIED.

I REALLY DID.

YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO FOLLOW IN MY FAMILY'S FOOTSTEPS,

MAKE MY GRANDFATHER PROUD,

TRIED TO JOIN A GANG.

FOR REAL, TRIED TO JOIN THE CRIPS.

JUST COULDN'T GET THAT DAMN DANCE DOWN.

JUST TURNED INTO A RIVERDANCE AFTER A WHILE.

"THIS AIN'T IT? I CAN'T JOIN? THIS AIN'T IT?"

TRIED TO JOIN THE BLOODS. THAT DIDN'T WORK.

MY MAMA KEPT MESSING UP THE DAMN LAUNDRY.

SHE WAS MIXING MY RED BANDANAS IN WITH THE WHITES.

I WAS SHOWING UP TO SCHOOL IN PINK KHAKIS, BOY.

THEY THOUGHT I WAS GANGBANGING FOR BREAST CANCER AWARENESS.

"TA-TAS, FOOL."

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, BUT YOU GOTTA BE YOURSELF.

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

ACTUALLY, I EVEN WENT SO FAR,

I TRIED TO JOIN A MEXICAN GANG.

I DID.

JUST HAD TOO MANY PLACES TO BE ON TIME.

I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL KNOW THIS OR NOT,

BUT, LIKE, MEXICAN GANG MEMBERS,

THE HARDER THEY ARE, THE SLOWER THEY WALK.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

"WHAT UP, EH?"

[laughter]

"WHERE YOU GOIN', HOMES?"

SHOOT, I MET ONE, HE MUST'VE BEEN THE LEADER,

'CAUSE HE WASN'T GOING NOWHERE.

HE WAS LIKE A STATUE.

"WAIT UP, FUCKER."

[cheers and applause]

SO YOU SEE HOW THAT AIN'T WORK.

I'M GLAD THE MEXICAN GUYS LAUGHED AT THAT.

I'M COOL.

CODY.

YOU AIN'T NO REAL MEXICAN, CODY.

FILIPINO, I KNOW IT.

[laughing]

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, I TRIED SO MUCH STUFF,

GROWING UP, JUST TRYING TO FIND MYSELF,

THINKING IT WAS COOL TO BE HARD AND ALL THAT STUFF, YOU KNOW.

DUDE, I EVEN TRIED SELLING DRUGS.

GOT TO BE TOO DAMN GOOD AT MATH TO DO THAT, THOUGH.

OH, YEAH, NINTH GRADE, I TRIED SELLING WEED.

AIN'T NOBODY TELL ME YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SELL NICKEL BAGS...

[audience murmuring] FOR A ACTUAL NICKEL.

MY CUSTOMERS WAS HAPPY AS HELL, THOUGH.

THEY THOUGHT I WAS DRUG DEALER OF THE MONTH, BOY.

I WAS LIKE THE COSTCO OF WEED SELLING.

GIVING AWAY FREE SAMPLES ON SUNDAYS.

I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE HOOD WITH BIG BAGS OF NICKELS

LIKE SCROOGE MCDUCK.

I TRIED SO MUCH STUFF.

I TRIED TO BE LIKE THAT TYPE OF CRIMINAL WHERE YOU ROBBING.

I WAS TRYING TO BE A STICK-UP KID.

TOO MUCH OF A SNITCH FOR THAT.

OH, YEAH, I AIN'T GONNA LIE. I'M A SNITCH.

SHOOT, SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING IN HERE TONIGHT, I'M TELLING.

YO, THAT'S ME. COMICS--WE ARE TOWN CRIERS.

WE TELL.

SHOOT, I WILL GIVE A GOOD DESCRIPTION,

SHOOT, EVEN HERE TONIGHT.

SHOOT, ME, TAMMY, AND TODD--

WE BEEN WATCHING Y'ALL, BLACK FOLKS.

HEY, I WILL TELL.

AND I KNOW. I KNOW THAT'S RULE NUMBER ONE IN THE HOOD.

DO NOT SNITCH.

YOU GET KICKED OUT THE HOOD FOR THAT, RIGHT?

YEAH. SNITCH--

SNITCHES WILL GET YOU PUT IN STITCHES.

YOU SO GHETTO.

SHE'S LIKE, "STITCHES!"

I BET YOU GOT A RAZOR BLADE IN YOUR BRA RIGHT NOW, HUH?

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. I KNOW, THOUGH.

THOSE ARE THE RULES.

THEY EVEN GOT A TV SHOW ABOUT SNITCHING.

FIRST 48. Y'ALL SEEN THAT SHOW?

SHE'S LIKE, "MY FAVORITE SHOW.

SHOW YOU WHAT NOT TO DO."

THAT'S RIGHT, MAN. THAT WAS AMAZING TO ME,

'CAUSE IT TAKE 48 HOURS TO SNITCH ON SOMEBODY?

SHOOT, YOU PUT ME ON THAT SHOW,

THEY'LL HAVE TO CHANGE THE NAME OF IT.

LIKE, "FIRST 15 SECONDS."

THEY CAN SET A RECORD.

HEY, MAN, 'CAUSE I TRIED. I KNOW, AND I TRIED.

SHOOT, WHEN I WAS IN THE SEVENTH GRADE,

ME AND MY HOMEBOY--WE TRIED TO ROB THE CORNER LIQUOR STORE

WITH HIS DAD'S B.B. GUN.

FOR REAL, ME AND MY FRIEND PEANUT.

PEANUT--THAT'S HIS NAME.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA DO SOME TIME

IF YOUR NAME IS PEANUT, RIGHT?

THERE'S A COUPLE NAMES

THAT YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON WITH--PEANUT, MAN-MAN,

RAY-RAY, JUNE BUG, POOKIE.

YOU GONNA GO VISIT ALL OF THEM, THAT'S...

YOU GONNA HAVE TO PUT MONEY ON YOUR SON'S BOOKS

IF HIS NAME IS PEANUT.

FOR REAL, BUT IT WAS ME AND MY FRIEND PEANUT.

THE COOL THING ABOUT IT WAS WE GOT AWAY WITH IT.

WE DID. SHOOT, I WAS IN SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY

JUST POCKET FULL OF NOW AND LATERS AND LEMONHEADS.

CHICK-O-STICKS, JUJUBES.

JUST IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS JUST O.D.'ING ON POP ROCKS.

JUST... [imitates air hissing]

THE SNITCH JUST OOZED UP OUT OF ME, Y'ALL.

IT DID. I DIDN'T EVEN TELL A REAL POLICE.

I COULDN'T FIND A REAL POLICE. I TOLD THE NEXT BEST THING.

I TOLD THE SCHOOL D.A.R.E. OFFICER.

[laughter]

FOR REAL. TOOK HIM STRAIGHT TO PEANUT HOUSE, TOO.

LIKE, "AH, COME ON OUT, PEANUT, WE CAUGHT.

"THEY GOT US.

"NAH, SHOOT, TELL YOUR MAMA TO COME OUT, TOO.

"SHE WAS IN ON IT, TOO.

"SHE TOLD US TO GET HER SOME SCRATCH-AND-WINS

AND SOME CIGARETTES."

SHOOT, I WISH I HAD A WHISTLE.

I DIDN'T HAVE NOTHING BUT THE LEMONHEAD BOX.

I WAS LIKE... [blows raspberry]

"COME OUT, PEANUT.

"EVERYBODY OUT HERE WAITING FOR YOU--

"THE D.A.R.E. OFFICER, MCGRUFF THE CRIME DOG,

"CRASH TEST DUMMIES... YOU CAN LEARN A LOT.

THE BOOKMOBILE. WE ALL OUT HERE."

'CAUSE THAT'S THE THING.

BLACK PEOPLE--WE DON'T MESS WITH AUTHORITY, RIGHT?

WE DO NOT PLAY WITH THE POLICE.

THAT'S ONE-- MM-MM.

WE AIN'T SCARED OF MUCH.

WE HARD. IT'S A COUPLE THINGS WE SCARED OF, THOUGH--

POLICE AND BEES.

[laughter] RIGHT?

IT'D BE THE HARDEST DUDE IN THE HOOD, RIGHT?

LET A BEE COME BY.

[laughter]

QUIT PLAYING, DOG. IT'S A BEE, DOG.

IT'S A BEE OVER THERE.

GET MY GUN OFF THE GROUND, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU. POLICE-- WE DON'T MESS WITH THE POLICE.

AND THE POLICE KNOW IT, TOO.

OH, YEAH, THEY KNOW IT. THEY SO COCKY WITH IT NOW.

THEY KNOW WE SCARED OF THEM.

THEY DON'T EVEN TURN THEY SIRENS ON ALL THE WAY NO MORE,

SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF US.

Y'ALL GET-- WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP.

[imitates flatulence]

WHOOP, WHOOP. [imitates flatulence]

MAN, GIVE ME A WHOLE SIREN.

HAVE ME SHIT ON MYSELF.

THEY KNOW IT, TOO.

THEY DON'T EVEN PLAY FAIR NO MORE.

YOU NOTICE THAT?

LIKE, YOU REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY,

YOU COULD SPOT A POLICE CAR FROM MILES AWAY.

YOU KNEW WHAT THE LIGHTS ON A CROWN VICTORIA

LOOKED LIKE THROUGH YOUR REARVIEW, RIGHT?

NOW POLICE JUST PULL YOU OVER IN ANY OLD DAMN THING...

FOR REAL.

A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, I GOT PULLED OVER

BY A POLICE ICE CREAM TRUCK.

I WAS FRIGHTENED AND EXCITED ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

QUIT PLAYING, MAN, AND GIVE ME A STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.

[laughter]

I AM NOT A GANGSTER.

I'M NOT.

I'M NOT A GANGSTER AT ALL. I AIN'T GONNA FRONT.

SHOOT, I EVEN TRIED TO BE A PIMP

AT ONE POINT IN MY LIFE.

YEAH, Y'ALL SEE HOW THAT TURNED OUT.

I'M THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

I AM A WELL-BEHAVED HUSBAND.

YEAH, AIN'T NOTHIN' WRONG WITH IT, TOO.

HEY, I ADMIT IT. [applause]

MY WIFE IS THE PIMP.

SHOOT, DON'T SHOW UP TO MARIAH CAREY HOUSE LATE, BOY.

SHOOT, MATTER OF FACT, WE BETTER HURRY THIS UP.

[laughter]

FOR REAL, YOU COME TO HER HOUSE LATE,

MARIAH BE WAITING AT THE DOOR LIKE GOLDIE FROM THE MACK.

"UH, LITTLE NEGRO, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"

[laughter]

"I'M SO SORRY, MARIAH.

I WAS JUST OUT THERE TRYING TO MAKE US SOME MONEY."

"MONEY?

"HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

"LITTLE NEGRO, THAT AIN'T MONEY.

"SHOOT, EVEN MY CONVERSATION IS EXPENSIVE,

SO PLEASE PAY ATTENTION."

[laughter]

"SHOOT, UH, 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA BE COMING UP IN MY HOUSE,

"DISRESPECTING ME, JACK.

"AIN'T GONNA BE NONE OF THAT.

"I WILL SMACK YOU SMOOTH ACROSS YOUR HEAD

"WITH ONE OF THESE PLATINUM PLAQUES.

"LITTLE NIGGA, CAN YOU BUY THAT?

WHO IS YOU WIT?"

THAT'S HER THING. THAT'S WHAT SHE ALWAYS SAY TO ME.

"WHO IS YOU WIT?

"SHOOT, DON'T YOU KNOW I AM THE GREATEST-SELLING ARTIST

"OF ALL TIME?

"I DONE TOPPED THE TOP LIST THAT DONE TOPPED THE TOP LIST.

I GOT HIT-S-S-S-S-S-S-S."

[laughter]

"AND YOU JUST GONNA WALK UP IN HERE

LIKE I'M SOME REGULAR BITCH."

"WHO IS YOU WIT? WHO IS YOU WIT?"

AND Y'ALL BE SEEING ME.

SHOOT, ON THE RED CARPETS, I BE PLAYING MY POSITION.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

IT'S 'CAUSE MARIAH DONE GAVE ME

ONE OF THEM GOOD PIMP PEP TALKS

BEFORE WE GOT OUT OF THE CAR.

"NOW, WHEN I STEP THROUGH THIS DOOR,

EYES TO THE FLOOR."

"AND IF YOU SEE ANY OF THEM HOs,

"YOU BETTER ACT LIKE YOU BLIND,

"OR ELSE THEY GONNA BE PULLIN'

"THIS SIX-INCH CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN

"OUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' BEHIND!

"LET'S GO!

WHO IS YOU WIT?"

IT'S JUST ME AND MARIAH.

LIKE BABIES AND PACIFIERS.

THAT'S PIMP STUFF RIGHT THERE, YO.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS AND, OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? SO WHAT?

DAMN RIGHT. I'M-A HOLD MY WIFE DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

THAT'S WHAT A UNION IS ABOUT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE MEDIA SAY AND ALL THEM PEOPLE.

SO WHAT? CALL ME A BOY TOY.

WELL, DAMN IT, I'M-A BE THE BEST DAMN BOY TOY

I CAN POSSIBLY BE.

[cheers and applause]

I'M-A BE THE G.I. JOE OF BOY TOYS...

WITH THE KUNG-FU GRIP.

NEVER DROP A PURSE.

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

DAMN RIGHT, MAN.

THAT'S WHAT LOVE AND THE UNION IS ABOUT.

SHOOT, MY WIFE IS A GANGSTER, LET HER BE A GANGSTER.

EVEN WITH THE WHOLE EMINEM THING,

I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO NOTHIN'.

SHE HANDLED IT.

SHE MADE A DIS RECORD, AND IT SOLD MILLIONS OF COPIES.

OBSESSED-- Y'ALL HEARD THAT SONG?

I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO NOTHIN'.

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS BE IN THE BACKGROUND

LIKE A CHEERLEADER.

"GET HIM, BOO.

YAY, MIMI!"

[laughter]

YEAH, NO HOMO.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

SHE HANDLED THAT, 'CAUSE I MEAN, THAT'S THE THING.

PEOPLE ALWAYS COME AT ME LIKE, THE WHOLE EMINEM THING.

I DON'T KNOW. I TRY TO BE A GENTLEMAN ABOUT IT.

HOW Y'ALL THINK I HANDLED IT?

- YOU DID GOOD. - I DID GOOD?

[cheers and applause] THANK YOU.

I MEAN, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY

IN THE BACK, "HELL, NAH, EH?"

- HELL... - SEE, THERE HE GO.

[laughter]

THERE HE GO.

"SHOULDA HANDLED IT LIKE TUPAC, EH?"

"MOTHERFUCKER, MAKE SURE ALL YOUR KIDS DOIN' KRUMP."

[imitates gunshots]

"I AIN'T A KILLER, BUT DON'T PUSH ME."

I AIN'T NO THUG.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TAKE MY SHIRT OFF ALL THE WAY.

THUGS KNOW HOW TO TAKE THEY SHIRT OFF.

CAN I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF REAL QUICK, Y'ALL?

[cheers and applause]

DON'T BE TRYING TO SCREAM AT ME LIKE I GOT SOMETHING SEXY ON ME.

I GOT SOMETHING. GET IT OFF ME. GET IT OFF ME.

[laughter]

NAH, SEE, SEE, I'M TRYING THOUGH, Y'ALL,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL SEEN ME

A COUPLE YEARS AGO, BUT THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT.

I USED TO BE SKINNY.

I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL SEEN-- SHOOT, THIS USED TO BE ME.

[laughter]

WELCOME TO WILD N OUT.

THAT WAS ME, FOR REAL.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. IT'S COOL, THOUGH.

THAT'S HOW--HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BEEF WITH EMINEM,

BE ALL--AND I AIN'T NO GANGSTER LIKE THAT.

MATTER OF FACT, WE GOT ANY EMINEM FANS IN HERE TONIGHT?

[cheers and applause] OH, DAMN, IT'S A SETUP.

NAH, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL KNOW THIS OR NOT,

BUT EMINEM HAS SOME DIE-HARD FANS.

THEY LOVE HIM TO DEATH.

IT DON'T MATTER WHERE WE ARE, WHAT'S GOING ON.

THEY FEEL THE NEED TO LET ME KNOW

HOW MUCH OF AN EMINEM FAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE.

"EMINEM'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, BRO!"

WE ARE IN CHURCH.

I NEVER HEARD THE PASTOR TALK LIKE THAT.

FOR REAL, AND I GUESS EMINEM HAS, LIKE,

A LEGION OF DRUNK WHITE DUDES

THAT JUST FOLLOW ME AROUND AND SCREAM OBSCENITIES AT ME.

AND IT'S COOL BUT-- MATTER OF FACT,

WE GOT ANY DRUNK WHITE DUDES IN HERE TONIGHT?

[audience shouting]

SEE, Y'ALL ARE--

I'M TELLING YOU, Y'ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

DRUNK WHITE DUDES-- THEY GOTTA CALL, Y'ALL,

TO LET OTHER DRUNK WHITE DUDES

KNOW THAT THEY IN THE VICINITY.

Y'ALL EVER HEARD IT? - WHOO!

- WHOO!

YOU KNOW, IT DON'T MATTER WHERE YOU'RE AT.

YOU CAN BE IN THE CLUB, DANCING, JUST...

* DOON DOON TSH, DOON DOON *

"WHOO!" "GET YOUR SHIT."

'CAUSE THE DRUNK WHITE DUDES

HAVE OFFICIALLY TAKEN OVER THE PARTY.

ALL THE DRUNK WHITE DUDES, I GOTTA GIVE IT TO YOU.

YOU GUYS KNOW HOW TO HAVE ONE HELL OF A TIME.

OH, YEAH, I LOVE Y'ALL.

THEY DO, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, DRUNK WHITE DUDES,

THEY ARE EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE

BUT STRANGELY ACCOMMODATING ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

THEY COME UP TO YOU. THEY DON'T CARE.

THEY AIN'T SCARED OF BLACK PEOPLE.

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BOUNCER.

THEY'LL COME STRAIGHT UP TO YOU. "BRO, BRO, BRO."

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL THEY FEEL LIKE

THEY CAN CALL US "BRO" ALL THE DAMN TIME, TOO.

LIKE, "BRO, BRO, MAN, I'M COOL, BRO.

"SOULJA BOY. I'M COOL, BRO.

"BRO, I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT

"YOUR CYPHER WITH YOUR POSSE, BRO,

"BUT MY GIRL THINKS YOU'RE NICK CANNON.

"NO WAY!

"NO, LIKE, * NICK NICK NICK NICK NICK NICK NICK *

"THAT NICK CANNON?

"OH, YOU SUCK, BRO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

"I THINK YOU'RE FREAKING ANNOYING,

"BUT MY GIRL LOVES YOU, MAN.

"MATTER OF FACT, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PICTURE WITH HER?

"COME ON, MAN, DON'T BE SUCH A LAME-ASS.

"YOU'RE NOT THAT FREAKIN' FAMOUS.

"COME ON!

KAITLIN, NICK CANNON. NICK CANNON, KAITLIN."

[laughter]

"PRETTY HOT, DON'T YOU THINK, BRO?

GO AHEAD, TOUCH HER BOOBS!"

LIKE, STRANGELY ACCOMMODATING.

"YOU GOT IT, BRO. WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS, MAN.

"COME ON, PARTY WITH US, MAN.

WHAT YOU DRINKING? WE'RE DRINKING JAGERBOMBS."

[cheers and applause]

BE LIKE, "NAH, MAN. I'M COOL, MAN.

I DON'T--I DON'T DRINK."

"WHAT YOU MEAN, MAN? WE'RE IN A NIGHTCLUB.

"WE'RE TAKING 'EM BACK. WE'RE GETTING SHITFACED.

WHOO!"

"LOOK, MAN, I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL, MAN."

"DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL?"

"NAH."

"OH, WHAT? MARIAH DOESN'T LET YOU DRINK, BRO?

PUSS."

AND Y'ALL GOT TO EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT DRUNK WHITE DUDES,

THE DRUNKER THEY GET,

THE MORE EMOTIONAL THEY BECOME.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

IT'S THE CRAZIEST THING.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "BRO! WAAH!"

[laughter]

"I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE GONNA BE THIS FREAKIN' COOL, MAN."

[laughter]

"YEAH, 'CAUSE I WAS GONNA COME OVER HERE

"AND SAY SOME REALLY HARSH STUFF TO YOU, BRO.

"WAAH!

"SO THIS HURTS MY HEART TO SAY THIS,

"BUT YOU KNOW THAT SHOW YOU'RE ON,

"AMERICA'S GOT TALENT?

WELL, YOU DON'T GOT TALENT, BRO."

"YOU'RE JUST NOT FUNNY. I'M FUNNIER THAN YOU ARE.

MATTER OF FACT, WANT TO HEAR A BLACK JOKE?"

"LIKE, UH, LUCAS, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS OR NOT,

BUT I'M BLACK."

"OH, DON'T WORRY, BRO. I'LL SAY IT SLOW."

"NO, NO, NO, IT'S A GREAT JOKE.

"SOME OF YOU GUYS HAVE PROBABLY HEARD THIS.

"HERE IT IS. ALL RIGHT.

"WHAT'S THE WORD THAT STARTS WITH 'N'

"AND ENDS WITH 'R'

"THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO CALL A BLACK PERSON?

NEIGHBOR! HA!"

TODD, YOU'RE LAUGHING ENTIRELY TOO HARD AT THAT JOKE.

LIKE, "I'M GONNA TELL THAT ONE TOMORROW, BRO!"

AH, IT'S ALL GOOD, MAN. LAUGH IT UP.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SUPPOSED TO DO, BABY.

THAT'S WHAT JOKES ARE ALL ABOUT.

WE TOO UPTIGHT IN SOCIETY RIGHT NOW, Y'ALL.

WE ARE. WE GOTTA LOOSEN UP.

WE GOTTA LAUGH A LITTLE BIT.

MATTER OF FACT, WITH, LIKE, THE WHOLE "N" WORD THING.

ARE WE OVER THAT YET? - NO.

- WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "YEAH."

NIGGAS ARE LIKE, "HELL, NAH.

"SHOOT, I'M STILL LOOKING FOR MEL GIBSON'S ASS.

I GOT RID OF ALL MY LETHAL WEAPON TAPES."

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, IF YOU WANT MY OPINION, THOUGH,

HONESTLY, I THINK WE GIVE THAT WORD TOO MUCH POWER.

I DO. OF COURSE IT HAS A LOT OF NEGATIVITY BEHIND IT.

BUT IT HAS SEPARATED US FOR FAR TOO LONG, Y'ALL.

WE JUST GOT TO LET IT GO.

SO WHAT? IT'S JUST A WORD.

DON'T GIVE THAT WORD THAT MUCH POWER.

YOU DAMN RIGHT. I SAY IT.

YEAH, I SAY IT...

JUST TO MAKE WHITE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

WATCH THIS.

[laughter]

NIGGA.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, GOD, HE DOES NOT DO THAT

ON AMERICA'S GOT TALENT."

NAH, I DO SAY IT.

NO, I SAY IT 'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE,

I KNOW Y'ALL STILL SAY IT.

I BE SEEING Y'ALL IN Y'ALL CARS.

[laughter]

OH, YEAH, I BE CUTTING Y'ALL OFF

JUST TO SEE IF YOU'RE GONNA SAY IT.

[muffled squealing]

"I CAN'T SAY IT ANYMORE."

SO WHAT, MAN? IT'S A WORD.

LET IT GO. SAY IT. I DON'T CARE.

THE PRESIDENT SAYS IT.

[laughter] HE DOES. THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

YOU GO DOWNLOAD HIS FIRST BOOK, DREAMS FROM MY FATHER.

AT THE 1 HOUR AND 56-MINUTE MARK,

HE USES THE WORD "NIGGA."

AND HE GONNA USE IT AGAIN, Y'ALL KEEP MESSING WITH HIM.

OH, YEAH.

SHOOT, IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THEM PRESS CONFERENCES.

PRESIDENT GONNA COME OUT ALL SMOOTH LIKE HE NORMALLY DOES.

[laughter]

[imitating Barack Obama] "UH, LET'S BE CLEAR.

WE WILL RECOVER. WE WILL REBUILD."

[normal voice] ALL OF A SUDDEN,

SOMEBODY GONNA THROW A SHOE, LIKE THEY DID AT GEORGE BUSH.

[imitates whoosh] "NIGGA!"

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

LET'S BOOGIE!

REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT NONE OF THIS SHIT.

[laughter]

[laughs]

COME ON, Y'ALL, IT'S 2011.

CAN WE GET OVER THIS RACISM STUFF?

[cheers and applause] PLEASE! IT'S DONE.

WE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MELTING POT OF AMERICA.

WE ALL GONNA BE BEIGE SOON, ANY DAMN WAY.

WE SHOULD END IT.

MATTER OF FACT, WE COULD END IT RIGHT HERE TONIGHT.

IT'LL BE HISTORICAL.

Y'ALL WANT TO END RACISM TONIGHT?

[cheers and applause]

LAS VEGAS, ARE Y'ALL READY TO END RACISM?

[cheers and applause]

TAMMY AND TODD.

[laughter]

YOU BETTER ANSWER THIS SHIT RIGHT.

THE BLACK PEOPLE OVER THERE ARE LIKE, "YEAH, HEY."

TODD, DO YOU WANT TO END RACISM?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- HE ANSWERED THAT QUICK AS HELL. "ABSOLUTELY.

[laughter]

IT'S SIMPLE, MAN. IT CAN BE AN HISTORIC NIGHT.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS ONE THING, TODD.

LET ME HAVE YOUR WIFE.

[laughter]

HE'S LIKE, "GO AHEAD, I'LL TRADE YOU."

WE'D WIFE-SWAP LIKE A MOTHER, RIGHT?

NAH, I'M JO--I'M PLAYIN'.

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, ALL SERIOUS,

YOU ONLY GOTTA DO ONE THING, MAN.

STAND UP, TODD. STAND UP, MAN.

GIVE ME A HUG, TODD. COME HERE, MAN.

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT, GET OFF ME. NO HOMO.

GET OFF ME.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR TODD...

TODD AND TAMMY FOR BEING SUCH GOOD SPORTS.

I APPRECIATE Y'ALL. REALLY, I DO,

BECAUSE I TRIED THAT SAME JOKE LAST WEEK...

DOWN SOUTH,

AND THAT SHIT DID NOT WORK.

OH, NO, MAN, OH, MM-MM. NOW, SHOOT, WHERE WAS I AT?

UH, SHOOT-A-NIGGER, TENNESSEE.

[laughter]

SHOOT-A-NIGGER, CHATTANOOGA, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IT WAS--IT WAS DANGEROUS.

THAT'S ALL I KNOW. IT WAS VERY DANGEROUS.

AND I WAS WORKING HARD, TOO, Y'ALL.

I WAS OUT THERE, DOING ALL MY IMPRESSIONS.

TRIED TO DO THE "HUG THE WHITE GUY IN THE AUDIENCE" JOKE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE LIGHTS GO OUT.

[imitates whoosh]

YOU KNOW ME. I AIN'T BUT A BUCK 65.

I JUMPED IN MY KARATE STANCE. I WAS--

I WAS FOCUSED.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, A DUDE GOT UP IN THE BACKGROUND,

AND HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, THERE, COLORED BOY UP THERE

ON THE STAGE FROM THAT MOVIE 'DRUMSTICK'"...

[laughter]

"WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, BOY,

"COMIN' UP IN HERE, DOING IMPRESSIONS

"OF PEOPLE WE NEVER HEARD OF.

WHO THE HELL IS KANYE TWITTY, ANY DAMN WAY?"

[laughter]

"SHOOT, BOY, USUALLY WHEN YOUR KIND COME AROUND HERE,

"WE'LL HANG 'EM OUT BACK.

"BUT, BOY, IF YOU CAN DO AN IMPRESSION OF THE KING,

"SHOOT, WE'LL LET YOU GO, AND YOU CAN HAVE

ALL THE WATERMELON AND BARBECUE YOU WANT TO."

I WAS LIKE, "THE KING? I CAN DO THE KING.

THE KING IS EASY."

HE WAS LIKE, "GO ON, BOY. DO THE KING."

SO I GOT OUT THERE, AND I SAID,

[imitating Martin Luther King] "AND WE'LL SPEED UP THAT DAY

"WHERE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN,

"BLACK MEN, WHITE MEN, JEWS AND GENTILES,

"PROTESTANTS AND CATHOLICS, WILL BE ABLE TO JOIN HANDS

"AND SING THE WORDS OF THAT OLD NEGRO SPIRITUAL.

"FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST,

THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE'RE..."

all: FREE AT LAST!

- "THANK GOD ALMIGHTY!"

HE WAS LIKE, "BOY, YOU KNOW THAT AIN'T

WHAT WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT!"

[laughter]

"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR MARCUS LUTHER."

[laughter]

"I'M TAKING ABOUT THE REAL KING,

ELVIS A. PRESLEY."

I'M LIKE, "ELVIS?"

MAN, BLACK PEOPLE DON'T DO ELVIS.

SO I'M GRABBIN' ALL MY STUFF, TRYING TO KEEP MY DIGNITY,

GETTING READY TO LEAVE,

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HEAR SOME DOORS LOCK,

LIKE, TCH-CHCK.

AND ONE OF 'EM SAID, "BUBBA, GET THE ROPE."

[imitates Elvis singing]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HEY, Y'ALL, THAT'S BEEN MY TIME, LAS VEGAS!

[cheers and applause]

- * I FEEL LIKE I'M FAMOUS

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO MONEY

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO TIME

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRLS

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO DIAMONDS

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO GIRLS

- * CHILL - * WE DON'T NEED NO CAR

- * CHILL - * WHEN THE BEAT DROPS

* SHOW 'EM YOU A SUPERSTAR *

- * BAM, BAM, LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

* JUMP, JUMP LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

* SHAKE, SHAKE LIKE YOU'RE FAMOUS *

- * ALL RIGHT - * BITCH, I'M FAMOUS

- * JUST LOOKIN' AT YOU, I CAN SEE A STAR *

* SEE A STAR

* GOTTA TELL YOU, GIRL, I'M IMPRESSED BY HOW YOU ARE *

* YOU ARE

* EVERYTHING IS LINING UP PERFECT WITH NO FLAW *

* WITH NO FLAW

* THE ONLY THING YOU NEED IS SOMEONE LIKE ME *

* INVOLVED

* TO BREAK YOU ON DOWN

* I KNOW YOU BEEN WAITIN' ON ME *

* JUST GET RID OF THOSE CLOWNS *

* AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY *

* STOP HANGIN' AROUND

* AND WE CAN PAINT THIS TOWN

* UNTIL THE LIGHTS COME DOWN ON YOU *

* AND MAKE YOU FAMOUS

* MMM, GIRL, I CAN MAKE YOU FAMOUS *

* BEST BELIEVE I CAN MAKE YOU FAMOUS *

* OOH, GIRL, I CAN MAKE YOU-- *

- IT'S INCREDIBLE!