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(bright music)

(drums beating rhythmically)

(dramatic music)

(bright music) ♪ Gaillardia ♪

(bright music continues)

MAN IN A COCKED HAT

(bright music continues)

(dramatic music)

(playful music)

♪ Gaillardia ♪

- [Singer] Ga-(grunts) (speaking in a foreign language)

(quill scratching)

- Gaillardia?

Gaillardia.

- Well?

(person speaking indistinctly) (footsteps pattering)

(light switches clicking)

(keys clanking)

(dramatic music)

(phone rings)

- Yes? - I found Gaillardia, sir.

It comes under the Department of Miscellaneous Territories,

Mr. Carlton-Browne.

(gentle music)

(clock chiming)

- Cadogan. (paper crinkles)

Your tea. (Cadogan speaks indistinctly)

- Arthur, drink yours before it gets cold.

Is the news any brighter this morning?

- They've buried Hartington. - Hartington?

- They had Istanbul when we had Belgrade.

How many paragraphs? - Two.

- (chuckles) Only two.

Poor Mildred. She will be disappointed.

- What did they say?

- I paid for your copy of "The Times,"

but I'm damned if I'm gonna read it for you.

(doorbell ringing) (dishes clattering)

Oh, now look what you've done.

- All right, I'll answer it.

- Oh, leave it, leave it. - I didn't do it on purpose.

Accidents will happen. - Yes, indeed.

- Cadogan, Cadogan, you're wanted at the Ministry.

They say it's urgent. - Urgent? Surely not.

- Overworked and understaffed as you've claimed to be,

it is conceivable that even in your department

something might arise.

I should therefore advise you to go!

- Yes sir. (dishes clattering)

- Get out! Get out!

While the furniture's still intact.

- You haven't forgotten the Tissingtons

are in town today with Angela.

She'll want to see you. - When?

I'm lunching at the club between 12:00 and 3:00,

and I'm playing squash, I think, at 5:00.

I suppose I could give a tea at Fortons around 4:00.

- Tell her to bring a raincoat.

- Why, it's quite a nice day.

- Oh, get out!

- Sometimes I wonder exactly what I've said.

- He needs someone like Angela.

She'll take him in hand,

but he shows absolutely no interest.

- It's that mustache of hers.

- Something can be done about that.

- The fact is he completely lacks ambition.

I've done what I can for him.

- But they must think something of him

to give him that department.

- Miscellaneous territories in my day

was known as the dust bin. (playful music)

- Uh-huh, hello there.

- Carlton-Browne? - Yes.

- The Minister's been waiting to see you.

- Me? - Since 10:00.

(Carlton-Browne speaking indistinctly)

- There's an urgent dispatch from Gaillardia.

- What's that? - It was a colony.

- Oh, in that case, it's not my pigeon, is it?

- Apparently, it is now.

- Oh, then who's our fellow out there?

- That's just it. There shouldn't be anyone there.

The dispatcher assigned Davidson,

but he ought to have return in 1916.

- I see. I wonder if there's anything wrong.

I mean, he's simply not on the ball, is he?

Rogers, what's the last thing we have on the file?

- A message of loyalty on the accession of the Queen, C.B.

- I say, that's frightfully slack. Nearly six years?

- Oh, not this queen, Victoria.

(someone knocking) - Come in.

(door creaking) - Ah, the decode.

- What's happened to the tea? - I'll find out, C.B.

(door creaking) - Listen to this.

Three members of Cossack Dance Troupe,

now touring here on official visit

observed to be constantly outta step. Stop.

Am informed one is eminent scientist,

other two, mining engineers.

- Engineers dancing? Isn't that a bit fishy?

- I should have thought so. - There's a second item, C.B.

Would appreciate instructions

and something on account of salary.

- Oh, not more trouble. Haven't we paid him?

- Not for the last 40 years.

- Oh, that's frightfully slack.

Remind me to send a council rocket.

And do find out what's happened to the tea.

- Yes, C.B.

- Now am I to tell the Minister you're on your way or what?

- I suppose so. Oh, just a minute.

Where does this Gaillardia?

- Yes, I should find that out if I were you.

It's the sort of thing he's likely to ask.

- And where exactly is Gaillardia?

- Why, the 33rd parallels are? - Hmm.

- We have a most favored nation's clause, sir,

in the Self-Determination Treaty.

- What about the king? Is he dependable?

- All the evidence points to it.

He has his clothes made here.

- Heartless efficient, is he?

- Well, his younger son is at Oxford.

In fact, he's lived here since he was a boy.

- Hmm, these Cossack fellas are obviously up to something.

Is there anything there? Have we ever had a survey?

- Have we?

- Was there ever a survey?

- There's a reference to one made in 1870, sir,

but it's gone. - Gone? Who had it?

- The rats, sir. - Scandalous!

- Not ours, colonial office rats, sir.

- There'll be questions in the house.

If there's anything they're worth having,

we should have it, not the Russians.

We'll have to get our own experts in right away. But how?

Well, come along Carlton-Browne,

it's your baby, your miscellaneous territories.

- Well then, they can hardly get in as classic dancers,

can they, sir? - I appreciate that.

What I should like from you

would be a constructive suggestion.

But I was thinking, sir... - Good.

- Couldn't the British Council help us?

- How? - How?

- Oh, a cultural mission.

Maybe they could put on some sort of a show,

and our experts could travel with them.

- Yes, that might be a way,

but on no account let the British Council

know what we are up to.

Right, see to it and tell the British Council

to put on a show that's really impressive.

(people speaking indistinctly) (regal music)

(bells clanging) (footsteps clomping)

(triangle chiming) (accordion playing)

- Try keeping time, Sir John, if you can.

(bells clanging) (footsteps clomping)

- I see no women.

- There are no women in the parlor.

- Yeah, these British.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm ready to go.

(explosive booms) (people screaming)

(dramatic music)

- [Reporter] Flash, Pravda today puts finger on West.

Claims British agents pulled tabs on Loris and Junior.

- [Reporter] "The Times" leader today asks

whether the death of the late King Loris

might be attributable to the furtherance

of Eastern imperialist designs.

- Just about the worst half hour

in the house I'd ever experienced.

And the opposition of table for more questions for tomorrow.

Now Beaver Brooks demanding

that we close down the British Council,

and as if that's not enough,

he has a cable from you now calling for a full report.

Idiotic idea sending those people out there anyway.

Who suggested it?

- Wasn't it the Colonial Office, Minister?

- It was not Carlton-Browne. It was you.

- Me, sir? - Yes, you, sir.

Now, what about those experts of yours? What do they say?

- Nothing. - Why not?

- Well, they seem to have disappeared.

- What's Davidson doing? - Davidson?

- The fellow who should have come back in 1916.

- Oh, nothing. Apparently, he's in bed with gout.

- In bed with gout. Then who are we dealing with?

- Well, it's a bit complicated, Minister.

You see there's the new king who's lived here since a child.

Now, on the other hand in the South, there's his uncle,

the Grand Duke Alexis, who also claims the throne.

They've been fighting for years. You know how families are.

- Is there any form of government?

- Oh rather, they're modeled on ours.

The prime minister is a man named Amphibulos.

Rather tricky, apparently. - In what sense?

- Well, he's a bit of a politician.

- So am I. - What I meant was that

he's flexible.

- Hmm, we better see this young king.

- That's what I thought, sir.

So I phoned him at Oxford last night.

- Oh, you did? - Yes.

I arranged a meeting this morning.

He'll be here in 20 minutes.

- Well, let me tell you, he won't.

- He will, sir.

- Not unless he changes planes in midair.

He left London Airport at 8:30 this morning.

(dramatic music)

(playful music)

- He's incognito. You'll call him Mr. Jones.

- Mr. Jones, will you take something to drink, Mr. Jones?

- Thank you, yes. - A dry martini?

- Just a beer, thank you.

Who's she?

- That's Miss Adrianus. - Where's she booked on?

- [Flight Attendant] I'll look at the passenger list,

but I don't think she's getting off before (indistinct).

- Hmm, we'll see.

- A beer for his Majesty. - One of the boys, eh?

- Not half.

(Ilyena laughing) Your beer, sir.

- Oh, thank you.

Of course, you're from South Gaillardia, aren't you?

- How do you know?

- All the really pretty girls come from the south.

What were you doing in England?

- Oh, trying to speak English. I will never learn.

- Oh, you mustn't. It's perfect.

- I must, but really, you speak English very good.

- Yeah, sure, I was brought up there. Tell me about it.

- About what? - Everything.

Tell me everything you've ever done since you were 12.

- It would be very boring.

Anyway, I don't even know your name.

- Well, it's a little difficult

for someone of our nationality.

It's Jones. (Ilyena laughing)

- [Minister] What did you actually tell the King?

- Well, hardly anything.

I just warned that the rations were there.

- Well now we know why he left.

(someone knocks) Yes.

Oh, come in, Commander. I'll be with you in a moment.

Who exactly is this fellow, Carlton-Browne?

How did he come to be in charge of a department?

You remember, Sir Arthur Carlton-Browne, sir?

This is the son. - Oh.

I thought there was something.

Well, all right, we better leave it.

Now, Commander, what does security have to say

about the young King of Gaillardia?

- There's a confidential report, Minister, from his college.

He seems quite an ordinary young man, too gating

some minor offenses. - Oh?

- Having young women in college, sir?

- Ah, games?

- Doesn't say so, just having young women.

- No, no, field sports, cricket, rowing.

- Oh no, no organized game, sir.

He's a member of the University Labor Party.

- What, a reigning monarch member of the Labor Party?

- He wasn't fully paid up, sir.

- Maybe not, but what material

if the Russians get hold of it.

We must be there. We must show the flag.

This young, inexperienced monarch,

one of our oldest allies bound to us by inter-soluble ties.

Never let it be said that we failed them

in their hour of need.

We shall be there beside them, behind them.

No, beside them for all the world to see,

especially you now.

Yes, someone must go at once to LaGuardia

- Gaillardia, sir. - What's that?

- Gaillardia, LaGuardia is an airport, New York City.

- Who said anything about airports?

- You did, sir. You said LaGuardia.

- I know what I said. I said... Well what did I say?

You've completely destroyed my train of thought.

- Weren't you saying, Minister,

that someone must go out there.

- Yes, I was.

If there's anything there worth having, we are having it.

- Had you anyone in mind, Minister?

- As head of the department, I suppose it'll have to be you.

- Oh. - Now look, Carlton-Browne,

we all remember your late father.

- (chuckles) Oh, he's not late yet, sir.

- Oh, I'm very glad to hear it, a great ambassador anyway.

But this could be of the utmost importance.

If you have any doubt, any doubt at all

as to your capacity-

- Good heavens, no sir.

- Oh. Well, I hope you're right.

We shall give you temporary status as special ambassador,

and you'll leave at once. - Now, sir?

- Is there anything against it?

- Well, it'll mean that I shall miss Ascot.

- There are some sacrifices,

Mr. Carlton-Browne, which serve-

- Of course, sir, please don't worry about me.

(dramatic music)

(bright music)

- You'll travel by passenger plane until you transfer.

- What then?

- Well, that'll be up to the boys on the spot.

We don't even know yet

that they've got an airfield on the island.

I shan't keep you long, sir.

(wind whistling)

- Evening. - Evening.

- [Bellingham] Bellingham.

- Oh yes, you're from Warhouse.

Carlton-Browne of the F.O. - How do you do? Scotch?

- Oh, thanks. - Sounds like a sticky widget.

- Yes, it is blowing out a bit.

- I meant this Gaillardia jaunt.

- Oh, that.

- I'm afraid you had to put me in the picture.

Sascha Stevens only said I was military advisor.

Do you know Sasha? - No, I don't think I do.

- He's a good bloke, Sasha.

Tigerline Gore was talking about Gaillardia

in the club last night.

- Didn't he marry one of the Tottington girls?

No, that was Buster.

Tiger married Cynthia Stoke-Furnace.

- Artillery on the mother's side.

- Well, the whole lot are gunners.

- What did he say? - I beg your pardon?

- I wonder what he said about Gaillardia.

- Who? - Tigerline Gore.

- Did he say something? - I thought you said he did.

I don't think Tiger would have ever said anything.

He never does, you know - I see.

- You mentioned Tiger's brother, Buster.

You didn't mean Thruster. - Which Thruster?

- Thruster Stoke-Furnace, Tiger's brother-in-law.

- Oh, you mean the one who's ADC to the DADNI.

- That's the fella.

- No.

(bright music)

- Ah, good. (sighs)

(Bellingham smacking)

- Breakfast gentlemen? - Ah, breakfast.

Yes, I'll have some porridge, fried eggs and bacon,

toast, butter, marmalade and coffee, please.

- Yes, sir. - You C.B.?

- Will you be needing your paper bag?

- Good Lord, no. we'll be down in half an hour.

- Thank goodness for that. - Better get it over with.

I hear the next leg's likely to be a bit rough.

- Huh?

- Could you manage a piece of fried bread as well?

- Yes, sir. (Carlton-Browne gagging)

- Perhaps two pieces? (bright music)

♪ Gaillardia, Gaillardia ♪

(helicopter rumbling) (goats bleating)

(person speaking in a foreign language)

(people speaking in a foreign language)

(helicopter rumbling)

(person speaking in a foreign language)

(people speaking in a foreign language)

(birds chirping)

(footsteps clomping)

(cannon blasts) (upbeat band music)

(upbeat band music continues)

- Wait for it. Not so.

(cannon blasts) (monkeys barking)

(donkey braying)

- Ah! (footsteps pattering)

I am Prime Minister Amphibulos.

- Excellency, I speak his Majesty King Loris

that you have very loud welcome to Gaillardia.

- Yes, indeed.

Her Majesty Government assure you

that Gaillardia is very much in their thoughts.

- Good, very, very good.

And you, General, welcome. - Colonel Bellingham.

- (chuckling) Congratulations.

And now, you must meet my brother-in-law,

Mr. Narcos, Minister of Agriculture, Public Works,

Highways and the Transport. - Hello, boys.

- My cousin, Mr. Archipolagos, Chief of Police,

(indistinct) of admiralty and distilleries.

- Hello, boys. - The others do not matter,

very nice men, but you'll meet them later.

(chuckles) And now please, you inspect the Guards of Honor.

(bright band music)

We are very proud here that our modern army

is founded on your brigade of guards.

(gun clatters)

(gun clatters)

(gun clatters)

Get up! Get up! Why you lie down?

Your carriage.

Well, we meet again soon, eh?

- Yes, of course. - And you, General, right?

(chuckles) Bye-bye. Have a good time. (chuckling)

(bright band music continues)

(people cheering)

(gate squeaking) (birds chirping)

(hooves clomping)

(footsteps pattering)

- His Excellency the Ambassador.

- Oh, oh, you must excuse me not getting up as you see.

- Of course, of course.

- May I present Colonel Bellingham (indistinct).

- Honor, sir. - Sir.

- This is a moment of some emotion for me, gentlemen,

the first official visitors from the mother country

for, let me see, 57, no, 59 years.

Yes, you'll take a glass of Madeira?

- Oh, thank you, splendid idea.

- Thank you very much. - Oh, welcome to the island.

- Thank you. - Thank you, sir.

- Would you be good enough to secure the door?

- Door? - We mustn't be overheard.

- Oh, I see. Bellingham, would you mind?

- Oh, of course.

- Well, they're digging. Oh! - I'm so sorry.

Digging, where? - Well, everywhere.

They've made little holes all over the island.

- What shape are the holes? - Oh dear, they didn't say.

- Did you hear that, Bellingham?

- What? - Little holes

all over the island. - Good lord.

Well the first thing is a map.

- Map? - To plot the holes, sir.

- Oh? - Then we can decide exactly,

What was in your mind?

- Well, nothing, but one always starts with a map.

They give us a line.

- Well, personally, gentlemen, I think they're imposters.

- Of course we know they're not Cossocks.

- Cossocks? But I was speaking of the British Council.

- You don't mean the holes were there by them?

- Well, they never stopped. They're like moles.

- [Carlton-Browne] But the Russians, aren't they digging?

- Well, they seem to have stopped,

but I can tell you one thing.

They sent a message to St. Petersburg.

- St. Peter... (clears throat)

(bright playful music)

- No, no, please don't get up.

- Thank you sir. May I present Mr. Carlton-Browne,

the Special Ambassador. - How do you do?

- [Ambassador] Also the military attache,

Colonel Bellingham. - Morning.

- Your majesty, my government desire me

to convey their respectful congratulations

and wish me to assure you that Gaillardia still retains

in the hearts of the British people

the warm affection she has so long enjoyed.

- Well,

that's very nice.

Shall we sit down?

I always think it's harder

to make speeches sitting down, don't you?

How about a nice cup of tea,

an English habit I've grown very fond of.

- Oh! - You all right, sir?

- I'm so sorry. Yes, quite, thank you, quite.

- Well now, Mr. Carlton-Browne.

- Your Majesty, I, my government

and the people of Great Britain

feel a very deep concern for this island.

- Well, that's very decent of them.

I must say I never met anybody in Britain

who had ever heard of us.

Do you smoke?

Given them up? - Yes, sir.

I mean, no thank you, sir.

Your Majesty, I must respectfully remind you

that there is in existence a treaty.

- Oh yes, I know about the treaty, yes.

- Then sir, I'm sure will appreciate

the presence here of another great power.

- Meaning the Russians, eh? - Yes, sir.

- Don't be afraid to say so.

If we go on chasing each other around the mulberry bush,

we shan't get anywhere, shall we?

- Oh, sorry sir. - That's all right.

Before you go on, may I say something?

You see, I'm a new boy here.

Less than a fortnight ago,

I was having half a can in the mitre

and looking forward to several years

in London as a medical student.

Suddenly, the phone rings,

and Amphibulos here tells me I'm a king.

And it's a bit of a shock for anyone.

- Your Majesty- - Just a moment.

I'm over the shock now.

I've had chance to look around and what do I find?

An awful lot of poverty, Mr. Carlton-Browne.

No education, no hospitals, no roads,

no lavatories, nothing.

- Your majesty, the Office of Works has-

- Just let me finish here. - Yes.

- On top of all this,

I also discovered that two great powers

have suddenly become very interested in this,

and I wonder why. - Your Majesty,

my government is solely concerned-

- Yes, I'm sure, but you see, I'm no politician.

And what I'd like you to tell me in ordinary English

is exactly what you're after.

- Your Majesty, we're not after anything.

That is to say, if I could convey Your Majesty's agreement,

at least in principle, to the renewal,

to the strengthening of those ties,

those bonds, which had they remained unbroken, sir.

- You can tell them that I'm most grateful

for their good wishes. - Thank you, sir, and?

Is that all, sir?

- Until I know why this outta-the-way little place

has suddenly become so important to everybody,

wouldn't be very sensible for me to commit myself, would it?

- No, sir, but- - Good.

And have a good time while you're here.

Colonel Bellingham.

I'm sending you a sun ray lamp I brought back from England.

It might help.

- Oh, Your Majesty is most gracious.

- Amphibulos, see our guests out and then come back.

I'd like a word with you. - Your Majesty.

(playful dramatic music)

- Well, I must say, in all my years in the service, I-

- Look Mr. Carlton-Browne, please, you are not to worry.

Everything will be all right, you will see.

Now, tonight, you and the General here

will have a little private dinner with me,

everything very friendly with all our cards under the table.

- Thank you very much. - Good, good.

Then, I will see you tonight. Tonight.

(footsteps pattering)

- (indistinct) My tweed jacket.

Well, that was a waste of time.

- (chuckling) if only we could all waste time like that,

it would be very good.

You know, (lighter clicks)

I thought I knew something about diplomacy,

but you, marvelous.

Congratulations. - Congratulations, what for?

- Well, already you have sent them out

thinking the Russians are in.

So now, when they come back, they make a big offer.

Then back come the Russians with a bigger offer.

You and me, we are sitting in the middle.

You have the Rolls-Royce, I have the Cadillac,

everybody's happy. (chuckling)

- And the people, what do they get?

- The people, they get the lavatories,

or all the things you said to Mr. Carlton-Browne.

They would be very happy with the lavatories.

- Mm, I see.

Well now, what are we going to do

to entertain our British guests.

- Tonight I give a special dinner

for them to meet the cabinet.

- All right, but remember now, no promises.

Be very discreet. - Your Majesty, do not worry.

Everything will be very discreet, very dignified.

(drum beating) (people yelling)

- Oh, what a party. Come on, C.B., now it's your turn.

- Bravo. What do you do? (C.B. speaking indistinctly)

- Now he's got a party, because he is not tight enough,

that's the trouble.

- Then we will help by drinking a toast.

To the greatness of Britain and all she will do for us.

- Oh, thank you very much.

(people yelling indistinctly)

- No, no, you must drink in one,

otherwise you will get a bit, you know.

- (exhales) Delicious. - Yes. Yes.

It's called (indistinct).

Not a drop is drunk until it's three-weeks-old.

And now we will have the music. (clapping)

(bongos beating rhythmically)

(bright music)

(chuckling) Now we're talking.

- It's the best party since our Pass out at Sanders.

- Good, I'm very happy. - I want you to know.

- So now, you tell me what you want.

- Well, our treaty rights- - No, no, no, for you, eh?

- Me? - Yes.

- The British Foreign Service, oh, nothing like that.

- Wonderful. Congratulations. (chuckling)

If only there was more people like you and me.

Eh, I have not to ask you

how much you think your government will give?

- Give, give? - Yes.

- Well, that would rather depend on the king's attitude.

- The King is a very young boy, has got no experience,

and he does not understand my method.

But you, (chuckles) you, being a brilliant man,

you understand perfectly.

So now, I have to ask you...

(tambourine clanging)

(hand slaps) (party goers laughing)

(Carlton-Browne speaking indistinctly)

- (chuckling) Mr. Carlton-Browne?

- Hm, oh, I'm so sorry. You were saying?

- That you have understood.

- Oh, rather.

- Good, and the King is no matter.

The real danger is his uncle, the Grand Duke.

You know, this man is like, how you say,

the bull in the Chinese ship.

I can tell you that already

he's talking with the Russians, you know?

- Russians? - Eh.

- We must do something immediately.

(Carlton-Browne clatters) - C.B.

C.B., (slapping) are you all right?

- Did you hear that?

The Russians, they're speaking to the Grand Duke.

- Are they, by gum. - We've gotta do something.

- We've gotta show our teeth. - Show our teeth?

- Put on a show of strength, old boy.

That's what Slasher would advise.

- That's it, show our strength.

- Yeah.

- And so you see why it is necessary

for us to have a big show of our strength?

- Look, I just don't get the point of this.

Who are we trying to impress anyway,

the British, the Russians?

Are they likely to be frightened by our army?

- There is the Grand Duke. - Oh, I know, I know,

but isn't it about time we tried something new?

Couldn't we make a peaceful approach?

- Look, Your Majesty,

here I have reports from all over the South.

Already, he has seized machine guns, rifles, hand grenades.

I tell you, this man is going to make a lot of trouble

for you. - Maybe. Maybe.

But I still think we should have a try.

Anyway, I've asked him to meet me.

- When? - This morning.

- Where? - Here.

- Here? - Yeah.

- I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

The Cabinet will never agree to this.

- Oh, I'm sorry too. He's coming.

- He's coming? (footsteps pattering)

You know, that would be marvelous.

(laughing) Then we could arrest him.

- [King Loris] I promised him safe conduct.

- (laughing) That's better still, the same with the conduct,

easier to bump him, eh?

- [King Loris] We'll do nothing of the kind.

- He would smell a trap. (chuckles) He won't come.

(door clatters) (footsteps pattering)

- [King Loris] Uncle Alex, glad you came.

- This is not a courtesy visit.

Now sit down there, Amphibulos,

and don't try any tricks if you know what's good for you.

- Uncle, I promised you safe conduct. You needn't worry.

- I don't need your safe conduct. I have my own out there.

Now listen to me, boy.

Now that your father is gone,

and I'm not going to pretend I'm sorry,

I don't intend to go on bickering with you.

- [King Loris] Well that's wonderful.

As a matter of fact, I intend-

- Nevermind your intentions.

There is only one thing to do.

You must abdicate. - Huh?

In whose favor, yours? - No.

There's the rightful heir to the throne,

the Princess Ilyena.

- Hmm, well, it's nice to know

the arrangements you're making.

- You may not know it, but this island

is ready to fall into my hands like a ripe apple,

not because the people love me,

but because they're sick to death of this.

- The people elected me, Your Excellency.

- Which shows that the people are half witted.

- Your Excellency, of course, does not favor elections.

- You are the best argument against them, Amphibulos.

- You must- - Shut up!

(chair scraping)

You've got more on your plate, young man, than you realize.

Take my advice, abdicate.

Have a seat that you are provided for.

- That's nice of you. What happens if I say no?

- Well, that would be very stupid.

Now what will it be?

- I shall have to think about it, shan't I?

- Till the end of the month. (footsteps pattering)

- Uncle Alex, I haven't seen Ilyena for 14 years.

Aren't I going to see her now?

- She's in mourning. Women do not unveil.

- Sorry, I was forgetting.

- Oh, see you don't forget what I've just told you.

That's if you don't wanna finish up with the rest of them

in a hotel in Portugal.

Come along. (footsteps pattering)

(door clatters and slams)

(picture crashing and clattering)

- Oh, he did say it wasn't a courtesy visit.

- (spits) Now you have seen. - Yes.

Yes, perhaps we do need a show of strength.

(drums beating rhythmically) (bright band music)

(footsteps clomping) (board rattling)

(footsteps clomping) (crowd cheering)

- Amphibulos. - Your Majesty.

- Who built these stands? - The Works Minister,

Your Majesty. - Ah, your cousin.

- Yes, he's a sort of cousin,

but he's given no time- - Or nails.

- I will see to it he never forgets this, Your Majesty.

(crowd cheering)

- Do you see who's here? - Hmm?

(crowd chatting indistinctly)

- (indistinct), see who just dropped anchor?

- We just got here in time, Joe.

(footsteps pattering) - Uncle Alex,

glad you were able to come.

- Thought I might as well see what is your strength.

- (laughing) So did I.

Ilyena, come and sit here. Chairs.

- I want you to sit in the front,

so that everyone sees you are behind us.

Sit closer to the King, the King.

(crowd chatting indistinctly)

- (speaking in a foreign language) Hello there. Goodbye.

You are about to see a grand display

of our gallant Gaillardia forces,

each one with meticulous precision

in front of you at an arranged moment.

And while they are passing,

I will decide for you what it is who happen.

(drums beating rhythmically)

(bright band music)

First come the brave pioneers,

the men who build the roads on which the army marches.

Also the holes, in wars, the army uses many holes

for trenches and other things.

(bright band music continues) (band members vocalizing)

- You better make a note. They'll need boots.

- And the Sergeant Major. (crowd clapping)

- These gallant ladies are members of the MWS,

the Mobile Women's (indistinct),

otherwise known as the King's own.

(bells ringing)

(bicycles clattering)

(crowd vocalizing)

- [Observer] Oh, stop 'em! (crowd laughing)

- I dunno what the Sergeant Major would do with that lot.

- Or what that lot would do with the Sergeant Major.

- Ah, bravo, the air forces. (crowd vocalizing)

These heroic pilots with their gallant birds

are what we call with pride, a few of the first!

(crowd cheering)

- Holy cow!

- Amphibulos. - Your Majesty.

Your majesty. - Where on earth

did you dig these up?

- They were a present from Great Britain

for a glorious part in the first war.

It's good to show, eh?

- Well, you might have shown them flying.

- They have no engines. - What?

- They are disappeared.

- Hello, what come now?

Behind the fighting front comes the fighting behind.

Salute to the brave citizens who guard the hope.

(contraptions rattling) (crowd clapping)

(crowd cheering)

Today, fighting men do not walk to battle, they arrive.

The man and machines of our motorized infantry

are the finest in the world.

(engines rumbling and sputtering)

- Did you make it clear

that this was to be a show of strength?

(engine sputtering)

(engine booms) (passengers yelling)

(plank cracking)

(Ilyena laughing)

(crowd gasping)

(King Loris grunting)

- Well, give us a hand, somebody.

(people grunting) (people crashing)

(everyone laughing)

(stand cracking) (people yelling)

- Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry,

but there seems to be a slight technical detail.

(podium cracking) (speaker yelling)

- As minister for war, supplies,

and apparently almost everything else,

I hold you entirely responsible

for making us look complete idiots.

- Whose idea was it, anyway?

- You made me look an absolute idiot.

- The King is an idiot. The British are idiots.

- The timber was very cheap.

I was promised by the contractor,

they would use it only for the public.

They are very dishonest men. - They're not the only ones.

Your cousin must have known the wood was rotten.

- How the devil was I to know

the show would be so utterly rotten?

- And of all the rotten things in Gaillardia,

the rottenest is Mr. Amphibulos.

- Now you have seen why we have to have money.

And so if the British offer enough, you must take it.

Otherwise, the rations will make your uncle so strong,

he will come and throw you out.

- Just get this into your head, Amphibulos.

There's not going to be any sellout.

We're not gonna be occupied by anyone.

- He shouldn't meddle with things he doesn't understand.

- He didn't ask to be a king.

- He may not have to worry about that much longer.

- Poor boy. What will he do now?

- Well, what do we do now?

Of course our American allies

must be laughing their heads off.

- Oh, I don't think so. The Admiral broke a leg, you know.

(gentle music)

- Excellency? - Yeah?

- Mr. Archipolagos would like to see Your Excellency.

- Who?

- The chief of the police, sir.

- Really? Well then show him in.

- Excellency. - Bellingham?

(footsteps pattering)

How do you do? What can I do for you?

- Excellence, (speaking in a foreign language)

In regard to the (speaking in a foreign language).

- Right, I think this is more up your street, old boy.

- No, it isn't.

(visitor speaking in a foreign language)

- With The British Council.

No, I'm afraid you can't see him. He's in bed.

Oli. - Hola?

- No, no, no, oli.

You see, he's in bed with Lambago.

I'm so sorry, I mean, Lumbago, no.

- Obviously, he doesn't mean the British Council,

does he? - Hmm.

- Remember Amphibulos promised the police

would find them for us. - So he did, yes.

Do you mean the British Council?

You remember, the dancers. (footsteps pattering)

- Si, si, si, si, si. British are counsel.

- Oh Lord, they're still digging.

- Just a minute. We better have a map.

- Good idea. You'll show us on the map.

(Carlton-Browne speaking in a foreign language)

- Ou, the digging, ou?

- Si, si. (speaking in a foreign language)

(insects chirping)

(animals calling)

- No surface deposit, the last lot.

Have we analyzed them yet, Griffiths?

- Oh yes, Sir John, yes. Most extraordinary.

- Well, what was it?

- Epsom salt.

I think there must be a hole in the bottom of my rucksack.

- Well, we've riddled the island with holes

and found nothing.

If we don't find it down here,

that's been a wild goose chase.

- Well, what do we do then, Sir John?

- We danced our way in. We'll have to dance our way out.

(hooves clomping) (animals calling)

- Sh, did you hear that?

It came from over there.

You hang on. I'll do a quick recky.

(animal howling)

(something rustling)

(animal grumbling)

(birds whistling)

(animal clicking and whooping)

(animals calling)

- C.B., C.B., the Ruskies are here.

- What, digging?

- No, but we must be getting warmer.

(something rumbling) There you are.

(C.B. speaking in a foreign language)

(dramatic music)

- This must be them.

- Hello?

- What is it, nitroglycerin?

- No, Chanel No 5.

- Could that be the British Council?

- One has heard things. I must say I'm not surprised.

But look at that. (triumphant music)

The French, they're at it as well.

- Everybody apparently, except our chaps.

I say, things are getting a bit dicey, aren't they?

- My dear fellow, at least we are very careful.

The balloon's likely to go up at any minute. Come on!

(explosive booms) (dramatic music)

- "Exhaustive search reveals all major powers now digging.

"Stop. (bright music)

"Informed Grand Duke's forces

"advancing through mountains.

"Request guidance."

- "Request guidance."

Guidance!

Take a cable.

Congratulations on transforming minor headache

into major crisis, stop.

Man on spot expected to give advice, not ask it. Stop.

What, repeat, what am I to tell UNO next week?

- I've got to tell my minister something.

He's making a big speech next week.

(water rippling)

- You know, I can remember the time

when one word from Great Britain,

and there would've been a wall

between the two peoples to keep them apart.

- I say, I think I've got it.

Partition. - Partition?

But it's brilliant! Why, I would never have thought of that.

Oh, congratulations! (chuckling)

Over here, darling.

(bright singing)

- Gentlemen, it has been well said

that east is east and west is west,

but so, I venture to suggest, is north and south.

The wolf is already at the door

with his shoulder to the wheel.

On the other hand, the lion is not yet prepared

to lie down with the, the...

What did I...

- The lamb. - No, you fool,

the notes, where are they?

All history shows

that a house divided against itself cannot stand

if the people of this unhappy island will not stay apart,

they must be kept apart.

Gentlemen, for the peace of Gaillardia,

nay, for the peace of the whole world...

(member snorting)

We ask that this line of petition be drawn.

(people speaking indistinctly)

(gavel banging) (bright singing)

- On the motion of Great Britain,

that between north and south, a line be drawn.

(gavel bangs) United States.

(bell chimes) Pakistan.

(member speaking in a foreign language)

Argentine. (bell chimes)

- Si. - Japan.

- Hai. - USSR.

(dramatic music)

- Da. (people speaking indistinctly)

- What's gone wrong? (gavel bangs)

(bright singing) - Gentlemen,

along the 33rd parallel, a line will be drawn.

(hammer banging)

(playful music) (machine rattling)

(hammer bangs)

(hammer banging)

♪ Gaillardia ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

(playful music continues)

(train horn tooting) (train chugging)

(bright music)

(bells ringing)

(birds chirping)

- [Reporter] This is the BBC home service.

Here is the 8:00 news.

The King of Gaillardia arrives in London today.

He is coming here at the invitation

of the British Government to discuss future relations

between this country and the northern half of the island.

The Foreign Secretary,

together with Mr. De Vere Carlton-Browne,

our Special Ambassador, who has, himself,

just returned from Gaillardia,

will be at London Airport to meet him.

(plane engine roaring)

- I understand he's angry

(indistinct) his country divided in half.

We shall have to butter him up a bit.

It might be a good idea if we got him married

to some English girl.

- I'd thought of that, sir. - Anyone in mind?

- Well, I had thought of a cousin of mine,

Lady Angela Gore Chessington,

who is, of course, related to the Duke of Suffolk.

I have a photograph of her here.

I'm afraid it's rather blurred.

She's joint Master of the (indistinct).

- What, this one? - It's a bad snap, isn't it?

That's one of her hunters. She's the one on the left.

Extremely wealthy.

- She'd need to be. - Yeah.

(regal music) (drum roll)

- See that he gets the full VIP treatment.

(bright music)

(crowd speaking indistinctly)

- We hope, sir, that you'll be comfortable

if you should want anything.

- There's only one thing I want.

That's the other half of my country back.

- There will be a meeting, sir, in fact, a serious meeting.

- But are you going to give it back?

- We're anxious to give every assistance-

- I shall still want it back. (crowd cheering)

- That young man's going to be difficult.

(bells ringing) - Ah, Minister.

Sir John Farthing and his team have just arrived, sir.

- That's the Canadian ice hockey team?

- No, our expert from Gaillardia, sir.

- Good heavens, I'll see him at once.

- Yes, sir. - Ah, Tufton-Slade?

- Yes? Sir John? - Aye.

- My dear fellow. Come and sit down. Bring a chair.

We've been quire worried about you.

Now, do sit down. Cigarette?

- I'll have my pipe. - Now, tell me.

- Well, we found it. - No.

- I say we did. - Splendid.

- There are very large deposits.

- There are? - Tremendous deposits.

Comparatively speaking. - Well that's wonderful.

Now tell me what, what are you going to do with it?

- Do with it? - This, this stuff.

- The cobalt? - Cobalt. Ah, yes, I see.

Yes, of course, that's

stuff you'll find in children's paint boxes?

- It's what you paint on a hydrogen bomb

to get an explosion of 93 GXZ.

I'm very happy to tell you that you're now in a position

to blow the entire world to smithereens.

- But that's tremendous.

My dear fellow, how can we ever thank you enough?

(bright music)

- The Minister's called for a map.

- Yes, of course, help yourself.

- We pulled it off. - We have?

- Farthing says we found enough

to blow out the entire world.

- Well, that's terrific!

What a triumph for you. Congratulations.

- Well, as far as one can.

But heavens, we don't need to go any further.

- No, of course not.

- I've got tremendous news. - Yes.

- C.B.'s brought it off. - He has?

- We can blow up the entire universe anytime we wished.

- What? But that's appalling.

- Do you always have to see the gloomy side of everything?

- Ah, here we are, Sir John.

Now, if you'll just pinpoint the exact position

of the deposits.

- It's all in this area around here.

- [Minister] But that's in the south.

- Of course it's in the south.

- You're quite sure? - Naturally I'm sure.

- Do you hear that? We've got the wrong half.

(dramatic music)

- Yes, oh yes, yes, yes. (gentle music)

Yes, I appreciate what you say.

Hmm, but already his Majesty is waiting for two weeks.

You ask him here for urgent talks

and leave him to talk to himself.

No thank you.

His Majesty does not wish to see the Tower of London.

Already, he was at Battersea Power Station yesterday,

and he hates that Albert Memorial.

Now please, please, he wants only to see the Foreign Office.

That's right. Thank you. Okay, goodbye.

(phone clatters)

- Well, what's the excuse this time?

- The Minister's got a cold in the head.

- [King Loris] Yesterday, his car broke down.

The day before their advisors went to the wrong ministry.

- They say now they try to arrange something quickly.

- Then they'll want to try a bit harder.

There's something very peculiar going on,

and I'd like to know what it is.

(triumphant music)

(dramatic music)

(door clatters)

- Now, go now to the foreign secretary.

I'll see you when I return. - Yes, Uncle.

- Your Majesty's gracious permission,

we will attend to the flowers.

- They've just been done.

- We regret the inconvenience to Your Majesty,

but there appears to have been some slight misunderstanding.

(bright music)

(attendant claps)

- Is it true that you have the King of Gaillardia staying?

- Yes, ma'am, but I understand

that he may be leaving quite shortly.

- We do hope you'll be very happy here. Well, here we are.

(dramatic music)

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- It is possible, and I use the word advisedly,

possible that we might pay something.

- May I suggest $17 million.

- I was going to suggest $2.5.

- You must have a word with the Minister at once.

- Why?

- The King of Gaillardia has just arrived.

- But the Minister's with a Grand Duke.

- Well, he insists on seeing him.

- We can't!

- I don't know what you're gonna do about it.

He's in the ante room. (dramatic music)

(door clatters)

- [King Loris] Where do I find the minister?

- Oh, not here, sir.

Out of that door, turn right, straight down the corridor.

You'll find somebody to direct you.

- [King Loris] Thank you. Thank you.

(footsteps pattering) (door clattering)

- Where is he? - Oh, well he was here.

- Where's the King? - The what?

- The King of Gaillardia!

(footsteps pattering)

- Well, he came in just now

asking for the Minister, just left.

- There he is! (footsteps pattering)

- Sir, sir!

I'm so sorry. It was your coat.

(footsteps pattering) (dramatic music continues)

- Minister's conference, the center door sir.

- Thank you. (footsteps pattering)

(papers rustling) - Come in.

- Your Majesty, might I have a word with you?

- Not now, Mr. Carlton-Browne.

- It's a matter of certain urgency.

- I'm here to see the Minister.

- I do understand, but I'm happy that there has no-

- Mr. Carlton-Browne, will you kindly get outta my way?

- Your Majesty, I very much regret-

- So do I! (foot bangs)

- Oh! (door clatters)

- Your Majesty, I really must ask that you-

- That's all I wanted to know.

(door slams)

- Why on earth did you bring him in here?

- Bring? (dramatic music)

- (chuckling) You will please tell

his most gracious excellency, the Grand Duke,

that there is much I can now do to assist him.

And he is not to worry about the King,

because the British have dropped him like a baked potato.

So now I think it's very simple for all of us.

You will please explain to your uncle,

that with me behind the throne and him in front of it,

you will be, how they say, standing pretty. (laughing)

Then, of course, you will be queen, and this young man,

who in any case is very stupid, will be thrown out.

- Is that all? - Yes, tell him, please.

- Very well. (phone clatters)

- Ilyena!

Ah Ilyena, you must get yourself ready at once.

- What for? - Mr. Carlton-Browne.

He's bringing his cousin to meet you,

the heir to the Duke of Suffolk.

- Come in, Amphibulos.

Had a profitable afternoon?

- (laughing) Your Majesty, I, (laughing) have been asleep.

- He says that the King has been dropped by the British.

- I know that.

- And he feels that now you could work very well together.

- (chuckling) Oh, he does, does he?

- And I'm beginning to think he's right.

- What'd you say?

- I think what both of you are doing is horrible,

just horrible! (dramatic music)

(door slams)

Please!

- No, Miss Adrianus, you remember me?

- Yes, of course, Mr. Jones.

- Well, here we go again.

(descending music)

(door rattles)

This is about the first nice thing that's happened.

Oh, where, where, where are you off to?

- Nowhere. - May I come too?

(footsteps pattering) (bright music)

So you know that old bear, dear?

- Yes, I do. - And Ilyena?

- Even better. - I haven't seen her

since she was a spotty face, little horror of about 10.

(footsteps pattering)

- Can we go in here? - Anywhere you like.

(footsteps pattering)

The Minister's given me exactly three days

to settle the whole matter.

Of course, if you do marry her,

it'll mean living there for part of the year.

- Hm, anything to shoot? - Only the natives.

(both chuckle maniacally) - What fun.

(bright music)

- [Reporter] As polling day draws near

in the Gosford-Green by-election,

excitement mounts rapidly to fever pitch.

- Thank you. That was someone I didn't want to see.

- Sh! - Here at firsthand,

a typical housewife gives our roving camera

her views on the burning issues of the day.

- What do you think of the Cold War, Mrs. Carter?

- I beg your pardon? - The international situation.

Do you think it's getting any easier?

- Well, (chuckles) I don't really know.

- Of course not.

They say that this election will be won on the trade issue.

Do you think we are winning the battle of exports?

- Well, I couldn't say. - No, quite.

They're telling me locally

that you're all very concerned about the provision

of new schools. - Oh yes.

- You feel strongly about that?

- Well, I hadn't really thought about it.

- Well, thank you very much indeed, Mrs. Carter.

- Thank you. - You've been most helpful,

and I'm sure we all have a clearer idea

of what is in the mind of the British housewife today.

Thank you, Mrs. Carter. - It's quite alright.

(bright music)

- [Reporter] From the island of Gaillardia,

scene of a recent royal assassination,

important visitors recently arrived at London Airport.

- I think we can go now. - No, let's see this.

- We didn't pay to listen to two.

- Oh, sorry.

- [Reporter] Following closely on the heels

of the young king, the Grand Duke Alexis

is here for urgent talks with the government.

High foreign officer officials were there to greet him.

He's accompanied by his niece, the Princess Ilyena,

whose grace and charm immediately won the affection

of all those who met her.

A figure of radiant beauty, her presence here in England,

together with her uncle, the Grand Duke,

will do much to cement relations between two island peoples.

- So that's it. - I'm sorry.

I feel terrible about it. - I've had enough of this.

I'm gonna get the manager.

- There's no need. We're going.

- Well, Ms. Adrianus?

- I'm sorry.

I never meant to deceive you, Mr. Jones.

Please, if you let me, I will explain.

- You'd better. Taxi!

(gentle music)

- Uncle Alex is going to be very angry

- And that makes it just perfect.

(Ilyena giggles)

- Bring another bottle, will you?

- Oui, monsieur.

- What's that lounge suit doing here?

- That's the King of Gaillardia.

- I don't care if it's Benny Hill.

We aren't having lounge suits here.

- Oh, he's ordered another bottle of the best.

- Well don't take a check.

- Is your niece likely to be much longer, sir?

- I'm sorry, I can't understand what's keeping her.

(knocks) Ilyena?

(door clicks) Ilyena?

- What's she like to look at? - You'll soon see.

- I apologize, gentlemen. It seems my niece has disappeared.

(gentle music)

- Ilyena? - Yes?

- Suppose you were running a small family concern,

and you learned that a big corporation

has decided to put you out of business,

and then you also discover a relative

is to be put in your place.

- And that your manager is trying to do a deal

with both of them behind your back?

- Yes, that's it. Well, what would you do?

- (sighs) I dunno.

I wondered, suppose you put it to the shareholders?

- You mean that...

It's quite an idea, that.

You know, you and I ought to get together.

- Good night, Your Majesty.

- Good night, darling.

(door clatters)

(gentle music)

(bright music)

(door clatters and slams)

- Did you see the Grand Duke? - No, can't make it out.

He's being most elusive. Is that my tea?

- Yes. How about the girl? - Well that's just the point.

The three days are up, and you haven't even met her yet.

I didn't know what the Minister's going to say.

- Carlton-Browne? - Yeah?

- Come and see me at once. - Yes, sir.

(dramatic music) (door slams)

- Yes, Minister?

- What have you been up to now, Carlton-Browne?

I gave you three days to settle this Gaillardia affair,

and what happens?

The King slips through our hands, returns to the island,

and sends me the rudest telegram I've ever received.

The Princess, after one look presumably at your cousin,

goes after him.

So does the Grand Duke, and to cap everything,

we've just had word that a revolution has broken out.

- Revolution, sir? - Three security slipups,

all our negotiations wrecked, and a revolution.

- How extraordinary! - Extraordinary, yes.

I don't know what it is, but put you in charge of anything,

and within 24 hours, this department is facing a crisis.

We're committed now. We can't back out.

We shall have to send troops in fast.

Who's that military fellow you had out there?

- Billingham, sir? - He'll have to take charge,

knows the country.

I want CIGS War Office, First Lord Admiral,

Secretary for Air and the Secretary to the Cabinet

in that order, and Carlton-Browne,

although the prospect appalls me.

With half my staff tied up at the United Nations

and the other half in bed with Asian flu,

I am reluctantly obliged to place the country's interests

in the hands of the very last person

I'd have chosen for a mission of this kind.

- Who, who's that, sir? - You, you...

you half-witted halibut. (dramatic music)

(footsteps clomping rhythmically)

(bright music)

(plane engine roaring)

(bright singing)

- All history shows that a house

artificially divided against itself cannot stand.

Gentlemen, for the future peace of Gaillardia,

may of the whole world,

we ask that this line be withdrawn.

(bright singing)

- On the motion of Great Britain,

that between north and south the line be withdrawn.

(gavel bangs) United States.

(bell chimes) Pakistan.

(representative speaking in a foreign language)

Argentine? (bell chimes)

- Si. - Japan.

- Hai. - USSR.

(dramatic music) - Net.

(people speaking indistinctly) - I thought as much.

(Russian representative speaking in Russian)

What's he saying?

- The Soviet supports the spontaneous revolt

to the people against fascist aggression.

They're sending 11 aircraft carriers

and 19 cruisers on a goodwill visit.

(people speaking indistinctly)

- And we've sent Carlton-Browne.

- There's no question- - All right,

can't go any longer.

Get on, everybody. Come on.

- Sorry I'm late. (door clattering)

- Where have do you been?

- I had to go back for my earplugs.

- Now, pay attention, everybody. Now here's a picture.

The revolution started in the north,

but practically in our position,

the narrow of the line driving south.

Rebel headquarters in this village here,

but they have no idea we're in the country,

so it should be a pretty good party.

Right, we are here then,

straight across our line of advance.

Our attack goes in at 02:00,

30 minutes to map out advance posts and consolidate,

one hour, 45 to rebel 8Q, which will be taken by 04:40.

That should give us plenty of time

to court martial the leaders, shoot 'em,

polish equipment before breakfast.

Any questions? - Oh, what time is breakfast?

- Oh, you can have it anytime. - Where does one get it?

- Well, haven't you brought any?

They're not on our strength, you know? Anything else.

- All right, synchronized watches.

I make it 01:35:15 seconds.

- 01:35:16 seconds it is, sir? - I said 15.

- Yes sir, but I was allowing the time you were speaking.

- But I spoke for more than a second.

- Well, sir, I thought- - All right,

what do you make it now?

- 01:35:28, sir. - 29, sir.

- 31, sir. - Nonsense, my-

- Oh, stop this! C.B., what do you make it?

- Hmm, oh!

I'm afraid mine stopped.

- Everyone, announce that their watch says 01:36.

DR is at 01:40, and there's two plus three.

Got that? - Yes, sir.

- All right, fall out. No smoking.

(dramatic music)

- Didn't you say, "No smoking?"

- Follow me. (footsteps clomping)

(person snoring)

(ammunition booming)

- Billingham, Billingham, what's that?

- What? - Listen.

(ammunition booming)

- Hello Rolo, Rolo answering.

Message received and understood, off.

Attack and advance post just going in, sir.

- Get on. It started. Nothing to worry about.

We follow up in about half an hour. Good.

(ammunition booming)

- Hello, Rolo, Bolo calling. Report my signals.

Hello, Rolo, Bolo calling. Are you receiving me?

Report my signals, over.

- What progress? - None, sir.

We've lost contact.

They went off the air in the middle of a message.

- Oh, blasted WT, always packs up just when you want it.

(ammunition booming)

- Extraordinary, but if one didn't know,

I might think that the shooting was getting nearer.

- Nonsense, pure illusion. It must be the mountains.

- Quite. (soldier knocking)

- What is it?

- [Soldier] There's a force coming out

through the forest, sir. - From which direction?

- There, sir. - We're being attacked, sir.

- Where? - From over here, sir.

- Nonsense. (ammunition booming)

Where? - There, sir.

(ammunition booming)

- Inside, quick!

(ammunition booming)

(insects chirping)

(guns blasting)

(banging) - Let me in!

(guns blasting) (door clattering)

- What the devil were you doing out there?

- We're being attacked! - Impossible!

There's not a rebel on this side of the mountains.

(artillery hissing and booming)

- Where did that come from?

- There must be a rebel force we haven't heard about.

- What do we do? - Only one thing we can do.

Here, take these. We'll have to shoot our way out.

- But I can't, I'm a civilian.

If I'm caught with these, I'll be shot on the spot.

- If you caught on the toilet, you'll be shot on the spot.

- They wouldn't dare, would they?

- Sh, listen.

They stop firing. - Contact again, sir.

Attack progressing. Advance boats surrounded.

- Oh, shut up! (door clattering)

(ammunition hisses)

- Quick, quick, clear this door!

(objects clattering)

(everyone coughing)

- Major Miller! - What's the meaning of this,

surrounding your own headquarters?

Bloody scandal!

- We must have gone around in circles, sir.

- If you didn't, you're going to.

Put yourself under arrest. - Sir.

- Captain Bolt. - Sir.

- Take these men back to the start line.

The operation will continue.

- Sir. All right, follow over there. Follow me.

- On the double!

- [Soldier] Hurry, get these men moving.

(soldiers yelling indistinctly)

- Lucky they didn't shoot us.

- I don't agree. (dramatic music)

- No sign of A Company on that flank either, sir.

- Coming out. Shouldn't we sit here and wait for them?

- Certainly not. We're already behind schedule.

Anyway, they could be ahead of us.

All right, fall in behind. Come on.

(footsteps crunching)

- [Soldier] Billingham, are all campaigns like this?

- Like what? - Well, a shambles.

- Nothing of the kind.

Everything's going completely according to plan.

What are you're talking about?

As a matter of fact, if we get there by daybreak,

we can still catch 'em on the hop.

The important thing is initiative and surprise,

complete surprise.

Oh-oh, Carlton-Browne? (dramatic music)

(telegraph beeping) (people speaking indistinctly)

- Mr. Carlton-Browne, and Duke Alexis.

I beg your pardon, Brigadier, I see you've been promoted.

This is quite unexpected. Where were you both off to?

- Well, I, sir, we, sir.

(King Loris speaking in a foreign language)

(soldier speaking in a foreign language)

Now, sit down both of you. You must be very tired.

- I'd rather stand, thank you, sir.

- Well now, Mr. Carlton-Browne.

- Well, sir, we'd, we'd heard

that there was a revolution and-

- You rushed troops out here to rescue me?

- Yes, sir.

- Well that was very considerate.

But weren't you told that I started it?

- Started what, sir? - Revolution.

The Minister made it clear it was the only thing left to do,

and it's going very well.

- I'm very glad, sir. - Thank you.

Well, apart from a few of the Grand Duke's men,

it seems to be all over.

- I think I will sit down if you don't mind, sir.

- Certainly. Excuse me a though.

Ah, gentlemen, I think you know my fiance,

the Princess Ilyena.

They've gallantly made the most arduous journey

to bring us their government's congratulations.

- How very brave. - Yes.

We shall have to find some way to express our gratitude

for all they've done. - Of course.

- [King Loris] What you have done

will be long remembered in Gaillardia.

We therefore do invest you with the Star of Elysium,

third class. (crowd cheering)

That surprised you, didn't it?

Only one thing clouds are happiness today.

For reasons of health, the Grand Duke Alexis

has decided to spend his remaining years

in a hotel in Portugal. (crowd clapping)

Mr. Amphibulos, with rare generosity,

has resolved to accompany him.

(crowd booing and whistling) (crowd clapping)

And now, I'm going to ask Mr. Carlton-Browne

to kick off for this goodwill football match,

which will mark the departure of our visitors

from the USA and the USSR. (crowd cheering)

Thank you, Mr. Carlton-Browne. - Your Majesty.

(bright music) (crowd clapping)

(football booms) (dramatic music)

(gentle music) (tea burbling)

- [Lady Carlton-Browne] How many paragraphs, Arthur?

- None. - None?

There's a short leader.

"When Cadogan De Vere Carlton-Browne leaves hospital today,

"he will go straight to Buckingham Palace for investiture.

"His knighthood is a well-merited reward

"for his services in the cause of world peace.

"His handling of a difficult situation has throughout

"proved a triumph of British diplomacy."

(playful music)