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(bright music)

(drums beating rhythmically)

(dramatic music)

(bright music)
♪ Gaillardia ♪

(bright music continues)

MAN IN A COCKED HAT

(bright music continues)

(dramatic music)

(playful music)

♪ Gaillardia ♪

- [Singer] Ga-(grunts)
(speaking in a foreign language)

(quill scratching)

- Gaillardia?

Gaillardia.

- Well?

(person speaking indistinctly)
(footsteps pattering)

(light switches clicking)

(keys clanking)

(dramatic music)

(phone rings)

- Yes?
- I found Gaillardia, sir.

It comes under the Department
of Miscellaneous Territories,

Mr. Carlton-Browne.

(gentle music)

(clock chiming)

- Cadogan.
(paper crinkles)

Your tea.
(Cadogan speaks indistinctly)

- Arthur, drink yours before it gets cold.

Is the news any brighter this morning?

- They've buried Hartington.
- Hartington?

- They had Istanbul when we had Belgrade.

How many paragraphs?
- Two.

- (chuckles) Only two.

Poor Mildred. She will be disappointed.

- What did they say?

- I paid for your copy of "The Times,"

but I'm damned if I'm
gonna read it for you.

(doorbell ringing)
(dishes clattering)

Oh, now look what you've done.

- All right, I'll answer it.

- Oh, leave it, leave it.
- I didn't do it on purpose.

Accidents will happen.
- Yes, indeed.

- Cadogan, Cadogan, you're
wanted at the Ministry.

They say it's urgent.
- Urgent? Surely not.

- Overworked and understaffed
as you've claimed to be,

it is conceivable that
even in your department

something might arise.

I should therefore advise you to go!

- Yes sir.
(dishes clattering)

- Get out! Get out!

While the furniture's still intact.

- You haven't forgotten the Tissingtons

are in town today with Angela.

She'll want to see you.
- When?

I'm lunching at the club
between 12:00 and 3:00,

and I'm playing squash, I think, at 5:00.

I suppose I could give a
tea at Fortons around 4:00.

- Tell her to bring a raincoat.

- Why, it's quite a nice day.

- Oh, get out!

- Sometimes I wonder
exactly what I've said.

- He needs someone like Angela.

She'll take him in hand,

but he shows absolutely no interest.

- It's that mustache of hers.

- Something can be done about that.

- The fact is he
completely lacks ambition.

I've done what I can for him.

- But they must think something of him

to give him that department.

- Miscellaneous territories in my day

was known as the dust bin.
(playful music)

- Uh-huh, hello there.

- Carlton-Browne?
- Yes.

- The Minister's been waiting to see you.

- Me?
- Since 10:00.

(Carlton-Browne speaking indistinctly)

- There's an urgent
dispatch from Gaillardia.

- What's that?
- It was a colony.

- Oh, in that case, it's
not my pigeon, is it?

- Apparently, it is now.

- Oh, then who's our fellow out there?

- That's just it. There
shouldn't be anyone there.

The dispatcher assigned Davidson,

but he ought to have return in 1916.

- I see. I wonder if
there's anything wrong.

I mean, he's simply
not on the ball, is he?

Rogers, what's the last
thing we have on the file?

- A message of loyalty on the
accession of the Queen, C.B.

- I say, that's frightfully
slack. Nearly six years?

- Oh, not this queen, Victoria.

(someone knocking)
- Come in.

(door creaking)
- Ah, the decode.

- What's happened to the tea?
- I'll find out, C.B.

(door creaking)
- Listen to this.

Three members of Cossack Dance Troupe,

now touring here on official visit

observed to be constantly
outta step. Stop.

Am informed one is eminent scientist,

other two, mining engineers.

- Engineers dancing?
Isn't that a bit fishy?

- I should have thought so.
- There's a second item, C.B.

Would appreciate instructions

and something on account of salary.

- Oh, not more trouble.
Haven't we paid him?

- Not for the last 40 years.

- Oh, that's frightfully slack.

Remind me to send a council rocket.

And do find out what's
happened to the tea.

- Yes, C.B.

- Now am I to tell the Minister
you're on your way or what?

- I suppose so. Oh, just a minute.

Where does this Gaillardia?

- Yes, I should find
that out if I were you.

It's the sort of thing he's likely to ask.

- And where exactly is Gaillardia?

- Why, the 33rd parallels are?
- Hmm.

- We have a most favored
nation's clause, sir,

in the Self-Determination Treaty.

- What about the king? Is he dependable?

- All the evidence points to it.

He has his clothes made here.

- Heartless efficient, is he?

- Well, his younger son is at Oxford.

In fact, he's lived
here since he was a boy.

- Hmm, these Cossack fellas
are obviously up to something.

Is there anything there?
Have we ever had a survey?

- Have we?

- Was there ever a survey?

- There's a reference to
one made in 1870, sir,

but it's gone.
- Gone? Who had it?

- The rats, sir.
- Scandalous!

- Not ours, colonial office rats, sir.

- There'll be questions in the house.

If there's anything they're worth having,

we should have it, not the Russians.

We'll have to get our own
experts in right away. But how?

Well, come along Carlton-Browne,

it's your baby, your
miscellaneous territories.

- Well then, they can hardly
get in as classic dancers,

can they, sir?
- I appreciate that.

What I should like from you

would be a constructive suggestion.

But I was thinking, sir...
- Good.

- Couldn't the British Council help us?

- How?
- How?

- Oh, a cultural mission.

Maybe they could put
on some sort of a show,

and our experts could travel with them.

- Yes, that might be a way,

but on no account let the British Council

know what we are up to.

Right, see to it and
tell the British Council

to put on a show that's really impressive.

(people speaking indistinctly)
(regal music)

(bells clanging)
(footsteps clomping)

(triangle chiming)
(accordion playing)

- Try keeping time, Sir John, if you can.

(bells clanging)
(footsteps clomping)

- I see no women.

- There are no women in the parlor.

- Yeah, these British.

I don't know how you
feel, but I'm ready to go.

(explosive booms)
(people screaming)

(dramatic music)

- [Reporter] Flash, Pravda
today puts finger on West.

Claims British agents pulled
tabs on Loris and Junior.

- [Reporter] "The Times" leader today asks

whether the death of the late King Loris

might be attributable to the furtherance

of Eastern imperialist designs.

- Just about the worst half hour

in the house I'd ever experienced.

And the opposition of table for
more questions for tomorrow.

Now Beaver Brooks demanding

that we close down the British Council,

and as if that's not enough,

he has a cable from you now
calling for a full report.

Idiotic idea sending those
people out there anyway.

Who suggested it?

- Wasn't it the Colonial Office, Minister?

- It was not Carlton-Browne. It was you.

- Me, sir?
- Yes, you, sir.

Now, what about those experts
of yours? What do they say?

- Nothing.
- Why not?

- Well, they seem to have disappeared.

- What's Davidson doing?
- Davidson?

- The fellow who should
have come back in 1916.

- Oh, nothing. Apparently,
he's in bed with gout.

- In bed with gout. Then
who are we dealing with?

- Well, it's a bit complicated, Minister.

You see there's the new king
who's lived here since a child.

Now, on the other hand in
the South, there's his uncle,

the Grand Duke Alexis, who
also claims the throne.

They've been fighting for years.
You know how families are.

- Is there any form of government?

- Oh rather, they're modeled on ours.

The prime minister is
a man named Amphibulos.

Rather tricky, apparently.
- In what sense?

- Well, he's a bit of a politician.

- So am I.
- What I meant was that

he's flexible.

- Hmm, we better see this young king.

- That's what I thought, sir.

So I phoned him at Oxford last night.

- Oh, you did?
- Yes.

I arranged a meeting this morning.

He'll be here in 20 minutes.

- Well, let me tell you, he won't.

- He will, sir.

- Not unless he changes planes in midair.

He left London Airport
at 8:30 this morning.

(dramatic music)

(playful music)

- He's incognito. You'll
call him Mr. Jones.

- Mr. Jones, will you take
something to drink, Mr. Jones?

- Thank you, yes.
- A dry martini?

- Just a beer, thank you.

Who's she?

- That's Miss Adrianus.
- Where's she booked on?

- [Flight Attendant] I'll
look at the passenger list,

but I don't think she's getting
off before (indistinct).

- Hmm, we'll see.

- A beer for his Majesty.
- One of the boys, eh?

- Not half.

(Ilyena laughing)
Your beer, sir.

- Oh, thank you.

Of course, you're from South
Gaillardia, aren't you?

- How do you know?

- All the really pretty
girls come from the south.

What were you doing in England?

- Oh, trying to speak
English. I will never learn.

- Oh, you mustn't. It's perfect.

- I must, but really, you
speak English very good.

- Yeah, sure, I was brought
up there. Tell me about it.

- About what?
- Everything.

Tell me everything you've
ever done since you were 12.

- It would be very boring.

Anyway, I don't even know your name.

- Well, it's a little difficult

for someone of our nationality.

It's Jones.
(Ilyena laughing)

- [Minister] What did you
actually tell the King?

- Well, hardly anything.

I just warned that the rations were there.

- Well now we know why he left.

(someone knocks)
Yes.

Oh, come in, Commander. I'll
be with you in a moment.

Who exactly is this
fellow, Carlton-Browne?

How did he come to be in
charge of a department?

You remember, Sir Arthur
Carlton-Browne, sir?

This is the son.
- Oh.

I thought there was something.

Well, all right, we better leave it.

Now, Commander, what
does security have to say

about the young King of Gaillardia?

- There's a confidential report,
Minister, from his college.

He seems quite an ordinary
young man, too gating

some minor offenses.
- Oh?

- Having young women in college, sir?

- Ah, games?

- Doesn't say so, just having young women.

- No, no, field sports, cricket, rowing.

- Oh no, no organized game, sir.

He's a member of the
University Labor Party.

- What, a reigning monarch
member of the Labor Party?

- He wasn't fully paid up, sir.

- Maybe not, but what material

if the Russians get hold of it.

We must be there. We must show the flag.

This young, inexperienced monarch,

one of our oldest allies bound
to us by inter-soluble ties.

Never let it be said that we failed them

in their hour of need.

We shall be there beside
them, behind them.

No, beside them for all the world to see,

especially you now.

Yes, someone must go at once to LaGuardia

- Gaillardia, sir.
- What's that?

- Gaillardia, LaGuardia is
an airport, New York City.

- Who said anything about airports?

- You did, sir. You said LaGuardia.

- I know what I said. I
said... Well what did I say?

You've completely destroyed
my train of thought.

- Weren't you saying, Minister,

that someone must go out there.

- Yes, I was.

If there's anything there
worth having, we are having it.

- Had you anyone in mind, Minister?

- As head of the department, I
suppose it'll have to be you.

- Oh.
- Now look, Carlton-Browne,

we all remember your late father.

- (chuckles) Oh, he's not late yet, sir.

- Oh, I'm very glad to hear
it, a great ambassador anyway.

But this could be of
the utmost importance.

If you have any doubt, any doubt at all

as to your capacity-

- Good heavens, no sir.

- Oh. Well, I hope you're right.

We shall give you temporary
status as special ambassador,

and you'll leave at once.
- Now, sir?

- Is there anything against it?

- Well, it'll mean that I
shall miss Ascot.

- There are some sacrifices,

Mr. Carlton-Browne, which serve-

- Of course, sir, please
don't worry about me.

(dramatic music)

(bright music)

- You'll travel by passenger
plane until you transfer.

- What then?

- Well, that'll be up
to the boys on the spot.

We don't even know yet

that they've got an
airfield on the island.

I shan't keep you long, sir.

(wind whistling)

- Evening.
- Evening.

- [Bellingham] Bellingham.

- Oh yes, you're from Warhouse.

Carlton-Browne of the F.O.
- How do you do? Scotch?

- Oh, thanks.
- Sounds like a sticky widget.

- Yes, it is blowing out a bit.

- I meant this Gaillardia jaunt.

- Oh, that.

- I'm afraid you had to
put me in the picture.

Sascha Stevens only said
I was military advisor.

Do you know Sasha?
- No, I don't think I do.

- He's a good bloke, Sasha.

Tigerline Gore was
talking about Gaillardia

in the club last night.

- Didn't he marry one
of the Tottington girls?

No, that was Buster.

Tiger married Cynthia Stoke-Furnace.

- Artillery on the mother's side.

- Well, the whole lot are gunners.

- What did he say?
- I beg your pardon?

- I wonder what he said about Gaillardia.

- Who?
- Tigerline Gore.

- Did he say something?
- I thought you said he did.

I don't think Tiger would
have ever said anything.

He never does, you know
- I see.

- You mentioned Tiger's brother, Buster.

You didn't mean Thruster.
- Which Thruster?

- Thruster Stoke-Furnace, Tiger's brother-in-law.

- Oh, you mean the one
who's ADC to the DADNI.

- That's the fella.

- No.

(bright music)

- Ah, good. (sighs)

(Bellingham smacking)

- Breakfast gentlemen?
- Ah, breakfast.

Yes, I'll have some porridge,
fried eggs and bacon,

toast, butter, marmalade
and coffee, please.

- Yes, sir.
- You C.B.?

- Will you be needing your paper bag?

- Good Lord, no. we'll
be down in half an hour.

- Thank goodness for that.
- Better get it over with.

I hear the next leg's
likely to be a bit rough.

- Huh?

- Could you manage a piece
of fried bread as well?

- Yes, sir.
(Carlton-Browne gagging)

- Perhaps two pieces?
(bright music)

♪ Gaillardia, Gaillardia ♪

(helicopter rumbling)
(goats bleating)

(person speaking in a foreign language)

(people speaking in a foreign language)

(helicopter rumbling)

(person speaking in a foreign language)

(people speaking in a foreign language)

(birds chirping)

(footsteps clomping)

(cannon blasts)
(upbeat band music)

(upbeat band music continues)

- Wait for it. Not so.

(cannon blasts)
(monkeys barking)

(donkey braying)

- Ah!
(footsteps pattering)

I am Prime Minister Amphibulos.

- Excellency, I speak
his Majesty King Loris

that you have very loud
welcome to Gaillardia.

- Yes, indeed.

Her Majesty Government assure you

that Gaillardia is very
much in their thoughts.

- Good, very, very good.

And you, General, welcome.
- Colonel Bellingham.

- (chuckling) Congratulations.

And now, you must meet my brother-in-law,

Mr. Narcos, Minister of
Agriculture, Public Works,

Highways and the Transport.
- Hello, boys.

- My cousin, Mr.
Archipolagos, Chief of Police,

(indistinct) of admiralty
and distilleries.

- Hello, boys.
- The others do not matter,

very nice men, but you'll meet them later.

(chuckles) And now please, you
inspect the Guards of Honor.

(bright band music)

We are very proud here
that our modern army

is founded on your brigade of guards.

(gun clatters)

(gun clatters)

(gun clatters)

Get up! Get up! Why you lie down?

Your carriage.

Well, we meet again soon, eh?

- Yes, of course.
- And you, General, right?

(chuckles) Bye-bye. Have
a good time. (chuckling)

(bright band music continues)

(people cheering)

(gate squeaking)
(birds chirping)

(hooves clomping)

(footsteps pattering)

- His Excellency the Ambassador.

- Oh, oh, you must excuse me
not getting up as you see.

- Of course, of course.

- May I present Colonel
Bellingham (indistinct).

- Honor, sir.
- Sir.

- This is a moment of some
emotion for me, gentlemen,

the first official visitors
from the mother country

for, let me see, 57, no, 59 years.

Yes, you'll take a glass of Madeira?

- Oh, thank you, splendid idea.

- Thank you very much.
- Oh, welcome to the island.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.

- Would you be good
enough to secure the door?

- Door?
- We mustn't be overheard.

- Oh, I see. Bellingham, would you mind?

- Oh, of course.

- Well, they're digging. Oh!
- I'm so sorry.

Digging, where?
- Well, everywhere.

They've made little holes
all over the island.

- What shape are the holes?
- Oh dear, they didn't say.

- Did you hear that, Bellingham?

- What?
- Little holes

all over the island.
- Good lord.

Well the first thing is a map.

- Map?
- To plot the holes, sir.

- Oh?
- Then we can decide exactly,

What was in your mind?

- Well, nothing, but one
always starts with a map.

They give us a line.

- Well, personally, gentlemen,
I think they're imposters.

- Of course we know they're not Cossocks.

- Cossocks? But I was speaking
of the British Council.

- You don't mean the
holes were there by them?

- Well, they never stopped.
They're like moles.

- [Carlton-Browne] But the
Russians, aren't they digging?

- Well, they seem to have stopped,

but I can tell you one thing.

They sent a message to St. Petersburg.

- St. Peter... (clears throat)

(bright playful music)

- No, no, please don't get up.

- Thank you sir. May I
present Mr. Carlton-Browne,

the Special Ambassador.
- How do you do?

- [Ambassador] Also the military attache,

Colonel Bellingham.
- Morning.

- Your majesty, my government desire me

to convey their respectful congratulations

and wish me to assure you
that Gaillardia still retains

in the hearts of the British people

the warm affection she
has so long enjoyed.

- Well,

that's very nice.

Shall we sit down?

I always think it's harder

to make speeches sitting down, don't you?

How about a nice cup of tea,

an English habit I've grown very fond of.

- Oh!
- You all right, sir?

- I'm so sorry. Yes,
quite, thank you, quite.

- Well now, Mr. Carlton-Browne.

- Your Majesty, I, my government

and the people of Great Britain

feel a very deep concern for this island.

- Well, that's very decent of them.

I must say I never met anybody in Britain

who had ever heard of us.

Do you smoke?

Given them up?
- Yes, sir.

I mean, no thank you, sir.

Your Majesty, I must
respectfully remind you

that there is in existence a treaty.

- Oh yes, I know about the treaty, yes.

- Then sir, I'm sure will appreciate

the presence here of another great power.

- Meaning the Russians, eh?
- Yes, sir.

- Don't be afraid to say so.

If we go on chasing each other
around the mulberry bush,

we shan't get anywhere, shall we?

- Oh, sorry sir.
- That's all right.

Before you go on, may I say something?

You see, I'm a new boy here.

Less than a fortnight ago,

I was having half a can in the mitre

and looking forward to several years

in London as a medical student.

Suddenly, the phone rings,

and Amphibulos here tells me I'm a king.

And it's a bit of a shock for anyone.

- Your Majesty-
- Just a moment.

I'm over the shock now.

I've had chance to look
around and what do I find?

An awful lot of poverty,
Mr. Carlton-Browne.

No education, no hospitals, no roads,

no lavatories, nothing.

- Your majesty, the Office of Works has-

- Just let me finish here.
- Yes.

- On top of all this,

I also discovered that two great powers

have suddenly become
very interested in this,

and I wonder why.
- Your Majesty,

my government is solely concerned-

- Yes, I'm sure, but you
see, I'm no politician.

And what I'd like you to
tell me in ordinary English

is exactly what you're after.

- Your Majesty, we're not after anything.

That is to say, if I could
convey Your Majesty's agreement,

at least in principle, to the renewal,

to the strengthening of those ties,

those bonds, which had they
remained unbroken, sir.

- You can tell them that I'm most grateful

for their good wishes.
- Thank you, sir, and?

Is that all, sir?

- Until I know why this
outta-the-way little place

has suddenly become so
important to everybody,

wouldn't be very sensible for
me to commit myself, would it?

- No, sir, but-
- Good.

And have a good time while you're here.

Colonel Bellingham.

I'm sending you a sun ray lamp
I brought back from England.

It might help.

- Oh, Your Majesty is most gracious.

- Amphibulos, see our guests
out and then come back.

I'd like a word with you.
- Your Majesty.

(playful dramatic music)

- Well, I must say, in all
my years in the service, I-

- Look Mr. Carlton-Browne,
please, you are not to worry.

Everything will be all
right, you will see.

Now, tonight, you and the General here

will have a little private dinner with me,

everything very friendly with
all our cards under the table.

- Thank you very much.
- Good, good.

Then, I will see you tonight. Tonight.

(footsteps pattering)

- (indistinct) My tweed jacket.

Well, that was a waste of time.

- (chuckling) if only we could
all waste time like that,

it would be very good.

You know,
(lighter clicks)

I thought I knew
something about diplomacy,

but you, marvelous.

Congratulations.
- Congratulations, what for?

- Well, already you have sent them out

thinking the Russians are in.

So now, when they come
back, they make a big offer.

Then back come the Russians
with a bigger offer.

You and me, we are sitting in the middle.

You have the Rolls-Royce,
I have the Cadillac,

everybody's happy. (chuckling)

- And the people, what do they get?

- The people, they get the lavatories,

or all the things you said
to Mr. Carlton-Browne.

They would be very happy
with the lavatories.

- Mm, I see.

Well now, what are we going to do

to entertain our British guests.

- Tonight I give a special dinner

for them to meet the cabinet.

- All right, but remember
now, no promises.

Be very discreet.
- Your Majesty, do not worry.

Everything will be very
discreet, very dignified.

(drum beating)
(people yelling)

- Oh, what a party. Come on,
C.B., now it's your turn.

- Bravo. What do you do?
(C.B. speaking indistinctly)

- Now he's got a party,
because he is not tight enough,

that's the trouble.

- Then we will help by drinking a toast.

To the greatness of Britain
and all she will do for us.

- Oh, thank you very much.

(people yelling indistinctly)

- No, no, you must drink in one,

otherwise you will get a bit, you know.

- (exhales) Delicious.
- Yes. Yes.

It's called (indistinct).

Not a drop is drunk until
it's three-weeks-old.

And now we will have the music. (clapping)

(bongos beating rhythmically)

(bright music)

(chuckling) Now we're talking.

- It's the best party since our
Pass out at Sanders.

- Good, I'm very happy.
- I want you to know.

- So now, you tell me what you want.

- Well, our treaty rights-
- No, no, no, for you, eh?

- Me?
- Yes.

- The British Foreign Service,
oh, nothing like that.

- Wonderful. Congratulations. (chuckling)

If only there was more
people like you and me.

Eh, I have not to ask you

how much you think your
government will give?

- Give, give?
- Yes.

- Well, that would rather
depend on the king's attitude.

- The King is a very young
boy, has got no experience,

and he does not understand my method.

But you, (chuckles) you,
being a brilliant man,

you understand perfectly.

So now, I have to ask you...

(tambourine clanging)

(hand slaps)
(party goers laughing)

(Carlton-Browne speaking indistinctly)

- (chuckling) Mr. Carlton-Browne?

- Hm, oh, I'm so sorry. You were saying?

- That you have understood.

- Oh, rather.

- Good, and the King is no matter.

The real danger is his
uncle, the Grand Duke.

You know, this man is like, how you say,

the bull in the Chinese ship.

I can tell you that already

he's talking with the Russians, you know?

- Russians?
- Eh.

- We must do something immediately.

(Carlton-Browne clatters)
- C.B.

C.B., (slapping) are you all right?

- Did you hear that?

The Russians, they're
speaking to the Grand Duke.

- Are they, by gum.
- We've gotta do something.

- We've gotta show our teeth.
- Show our teeth?

- Put on a show of strength, old boy.

That's what Slasher would advise.

- That's it, show our strength.

- Yeah.

- And so you see why it is necessary

for us to have a big show of our strength?

- Look, I just don't
get the point of this.

Who are we trying to impress anyway,

the British, the Russians?

Are they likely to be
frightened by our army?

- There is the Grand Duke.
- Oh, I know, I know,

but isn't it about time
we tried something new?

Couldn't we make a peaceful approach?

- Look, Your Majesty,

here I have reports
from all over the South.

Already, he has seized machine
guns, rifles, hand grenades.

I tell you, this man is going
to make a lot of trouble

for you.
- Maybe. Maybe.

But I still think we should have a try.

Anyway, I've asked him to meet me.

- When?
- This morning.

- Where?
- Here.

- Here?
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

The Cabinet will never agree to this.

- Oh, I'm sorry too. He's coming.

- He's coming?
(footsteps pattering)

You know, that would be marvelous.

(laughing) Then we could arrest him.

- [King Loris] I promised
him safe conduct.

- (laughing) That's better
still, the same with the conduct,

easier to bump him, eh?

- [King Loris] We'll
do nothing of the kind.

- He would smell a trap.
(chuckles) He won't come.

(door clatters)
(footsteps pattering)

- [King Loris] Uncle Alex, glad you came.

- This is not a courtesy visit.

Now sit down there, Amphibulos,

and don't try any tricks if
you know what's good for you.

- Uncle, I promised you safe
conduct. You needn't worry.

- I don't need your safe
conduct. I have my own out there.

Now listen to me, boy.

Now that your father is gone,

and I'm not going to pretend I'm sorry,

I don't intend to go
on bickering with you.

- [King Loris] Well that's wonderful.

As a matter of fact, I intend-

- Nevermind your intentions.

There is only one thing to do.

You must abdicate.
- Huh?

In whose favor, yours?
- No.

There's the rightful heir to the throne,

the Princess Ilyena.

- Hmm, well, it's nice to know

the arrangements you're making.

- You may not know it, but this island

is ready to fall into my
hands like a ripe apple,

not because the people love me,

but because they're sick to death of this.

- The people elected me, Your Excellency.

- Which shows that the
people are half witted.

- Your Excellency, of course,
does not favor elections.

- You are the best argument
against them, Amphibulos.

- You must-
- Shut up!

(chair scraping)

You've got more on your plate,
young man, than you realize.

Take my advice, abdicate.

Have a seat that you are provided for.

- That's nice of you.
What happens if I say no?

- Well, that would be very stupid.

Now what will it be?

- I shall have to think
about it, shan't I?

- Till the end of the month.
(footsteps pattering)

- Uncle Alex, I haven't
seen Ilyena for 14 years.

Aren't I going to see her now?

- She's in mourning. Women do not unveil.

- Sorry, I was forgetting.

- Oh, see you don't forget
what I've just told you.

That's if you don't wanna
finish up with the rest of them

in a hotel in Portugal.

Come along.
(footsteps pattering)

(door clatters and slams)

(picture crashing and clattering)

- Oh, he did say it
wasn't a courtesy visit.

- (spits) Now you have seen.
- Yes.

Yes, perhaps we do need
a show of strength.

(drums beating rhythmically)
(bright band music)

(footsteps clomping)
(board rattling)

(footsteps clomping)
(crowd cheering)

- Amphibulos.
- Your Majesty.

- Who built these stands?
- The Works Minister,

Your Majesty.
- Ah, your cousin.

- Yes, he's a sort of cousin,

but he's given no time-
- Or nails.

- I will see to it he never
forgets this, Your Majesty.

(crowd cheering)

- Do you see who's here?
- Hmm?

(crowd chatting indistinctly)

- (indistinct), see who
just dropped anchor?

- We just got here in time, Joe.

(footsteps pattering)
- Uncle Alex,

glad you were able to come.

- Thought I might as well
see what is your strength.

- (laughing) So did I.

Ilyena, come and sit here. Chairs.

- I want you to sit in the front,

so that everyone sees you are behind us.

Sit closer to the King, the King.

(crowd chatting indistinctly)

- (speaking in a foreign
language) Hello there. Goodbye.

You are about to see a grand display

of our gallant Gaillardia forces,

each one with meticulous precision

in front of you at an arranged moment.

And while they are passing,

I will decide for you
what it is who happen.

(drums beating rhythmically)

(bright band music)

First come the brave pioneers,

the men who build the roads
on which the army marches.

Also the holes, in wars,
the army uses many holes

for trenches and other things.

(bright band music continues)
(band members vocalizing)

- You better make a
note. They'll need boots.

- And the Sergeant Major.
(crowd clapping)

- These gallant ladies
are members of the MWS,

the Mobile Women's (indistinct),

otherwise known as the King's own.

(bells ringing)

(bicycles clattering)

(crowd vocalizing)

- [Observer] Oh, stop 'em!
(crowd laughing)

- I dunno what the Sergeant
Major would do with that lot.

- Or what that lot would
do with the Sergeant Major.

- Ah, bravo, the air forces.
(crowd vocalizing)

These heroic pilots
with their gallant birds

are what we call with
pride, a few of the first!

(crowd cheering)

- Holy cow!

- Amphibulos.
- Your Majesty.

Your majesty.
- Where on earth

did you dig these up?

- They were a present from Great Britain

for a glorious part in the first war.

It's good to show, eh?

- Well, you might have shown them flying.

- They have no engines.
- What?

- They are disappeared.

- Hello, what come now?

Behind the fighting front
comes the fighting behind.

Salute to the brave
citizens who guard the hope.

(contraptions rattling)
(crowd clapping)

(crowd cheering)

Today, fighting men do not
walk to battle, they arrive.

The man and machines of
our motorized infantry

are the finest in the world.

(engines rumbling and sputtering)

- Did you make it clear

that this was to be a show of strength?

(engine sputtering)

(engine booms)
(passengers yelling)

(plank cracking)

(Ilyena laughing)

(crowd gasping)

(King Loris grunting)

- Well, give us a hand, somebody.

(people grunting)
(people crashing)

(everyone laughing)

(stand cracking)
(people yelling)

- Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry,

but there seems to be a
slight technical detail.

(podium cracking)
(speaker yelling)

- As minister for war, supplies,

and apparently almost everything else,

I hold you entirely responsible

for making us look complete idiots.

- Whose idea was it, anyway?

- You made me look an absolute idiot.

- The King is an idiot.
The British are idiots.

- The timber was very cheap.

I was promised by the contractor,

they would use it only for the public.

They are very dishonest men.
- They're not the only ones.

Your cousin must have
known the wood was rotten.

- How the devil was I to know

the show would be so utterly rotten?

- And of all the rotten
things in Gaillardia,

the rottenest is Mr. Amphibulos.

- Now you have seen why
we have to have money.

And so if the British offer
enough, you must take it.

Otherwise, the rations will
make your uncle so strong,

he will come and throw you out.

- Just get this into
your head, Amphibulos.

There's not going to be any sellout.

We're not gonna be occupied by anyone.

- He shouldn't meddle with
things he doesn't understand.

- He didn't ask to be a king.

- He may not have to worry
about that much longer.

- Poor boy. What will he do now?

- Well, what do we do now?

Of course our American allies

must be laughing their heads off.

- Oh, I don't think so. The
Admiral broke a leg, you know.

(gentle music)

- Excellency?
- Yeah?

- Mr. Archipolagos would
like to see Your Excellency.

- Who?

- The chief of the police, sir.

- Really? Well then show him in.

- Excellency.
- Bellingham?

(footsteps pattering)

How do you do? What can I do for you?

- Excellence, (speaking
in a foreign language)

In regard to the (speaking
in a foreign language).

- Right, I think this is
more up your street, old boy.

- No, it isn't.

(visitor speaking in a foreign language)

- With The British Council.

No, I'm afraid you can't
see him. He's in bed.

Oli.
- Hola?

- No, no, no, oli.

You see, he's in bed with Lambago.

I'm so sorry, I mean, Lumbago, no.

- Obviously, he doesn't
mean the British Council,

does he?
- Hmm.

- Remember Amphibulos promised the police

would find them for us.
- So he did, yes.

Do you mean the British Council?

You remember, the dancers.
(footsteps pattering)

- Si, si, si, si, si. British are counsel.

- Oh Lord, they're still digging.

- Just a minute. We better have a map.

- Good idea. You'll show us on the map.

(Carlton-Browne speaking
in a foreign language)

- Ou, the digging, ou?

- Si, si. (speaking in a foreign language)

(insects chirping)

(animals calling)

- No surface deposit, the last lot.

Have we analyzed them yet, Griffiths?

- Oh yes, Sir John,
yes. Most extraordinary.

- Well, what was it?

- Epsom salt.

I think there must be a hole
in the bottom of my rucksack.

- Well, we've riddled
the island with holes

and found nothing.

If we don't find it down here,

that's been a wild goose chase.

- Well, what do we do then, Sir John?

- We danced our way in. We'll
have to dance our way out.

(hooves clomping)
(animals calling)

- Sh, did you hear that?

It came from over there.

You hang on. I'll do a quick recky.

(animal howling)

(something rustling)

(animal grumbling)

(birds whistling)

(animal clicking and whooping)

(animals calling)

- C.B., C.B., the Ruskies are here.

- What, digging?

- No, but we must be getting warmer.

(something rumbling)
There you are.

(C.B. speaking in a foreign language)

(dramatic music)

- This must be them.

- Hello?

- What is it, nitroglycerin?

- No, Chanel No 5.

- Could that be the British Council?

- One has heard things. I
must say I'm not surprised.

But look at that.
(triumphant music)

The French, they're at it as well.

- Everybody apparently, except our chaps.

I say, things are getting
a bit dicey, aren't they?

- My dear fellow, at
least we are very careful.

The balloon's likely to go
up at any minute. Come on!

(explosive booms)
(dramatic music)

- "Exhaustive search reveals
all major powers now digging.

"Stop.
(bright music)

"Informed Grand Duke's forces

"advancing through mountains.

"Request guidance."

- "Request guidance."

Guidance!

Take a cable.

Congratulations on
transforming minor headache

into major crisis, stop.

Man on spot expected to give
advice, not ask it. Stop.

What, repeat, what am I
to tell UNO next week?

- I've got to tell my minister something.

He's making a big speech next week.

(water rippling)

- You know, I can remember the time

when one word from Great Britain,

and there would've been a wall

between the two peoples
to keep them apart.

- I say, I think I've got it.

Partition.
- Partition?

But it's brilliant! Why, I would
never have thought of that.

Oh, congratulations! (chuckling)

Over here, darling.

(bright singing)

- Gentlemen, it has been well said

that east is east and west is west,

but so, I venture to
suggest, is north and south.

The wolf is already at the door

with his shoulder to the wheel.

On the other hand, the
lion is not yet prepared

to lie down with the, the...

What did I...

- The lamb.
- No, you fool,

the notes, where are they?

All history shows

that a house divided
against itself cannot stand

if the people of this unhappy
island will not stay apart,

they must be kept apart.

Gentlemen, for the peace of Gaillardia,

nay, for the peace of the whole world...

(member snorting)

We ask that this line
of petition be drawn.

(people speaking indistinctly)

(gavel banging)
(bright singing)

- On the motion of Great Britain,

that between north and
south, a line be drawn.

(gavel bangs)
United States.

(bell chimes)
Pakistan.

(member speaking in a foreign language)

Argentine.
(bell chimes)

- Si.
- Japan.

- Hai.
- USSR.

(dramatic music)

- Da.
(people speaking indistinctly)

- What's gone wrong?
(gavel bangs)

(bright singing)
- Gentlemen,

along the 33rd parallel,
a line will be drawn.

(hammer banging)

(playful music)
(machine rattling)

(hammer bangs)

(hammer banging)

♪ Gaillardia ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

(playful music continues)

(train horn tooting)
(train chugging)

(bright music)

(bells ringing)

(birds chirping)

- [Reporter] This is the BBC home service.

Here is the 8:00 news.

The King of Gaillardia
arrives in London today.

He is coming here at the invitation

of the British Government
to discuss future relations

between this country and the
northern half of the island.

The Foreign Secretary,

together with Mr. De Vere Carlton-Browne,

our Special Ambassador, who has, himself,

just returned from Gaillardia,

will be at London Airport to meet him.

(plane engine roaring)

- I understand he's angry

(indistinct) his country divided in half.

We shall have to butter him up a bit.

It might be a good idea
if we got him married

to some English girl.

- I'd thought of that, sir.
- Anyone in mind?

- Well, I had thought of a cousin of mine,

Lady Angela Gore Chessington,

who is, of course, related
to the Duke of Suffolk.

I have a photograph of her here.

I'm afraid it's rather blurred.

She's joint Master of the (indistinct).

- What, this one?
- It's a bad snap, isn't it?

That's one of her hunters.
She's the one on the left.

Extremely wealthy.

- She'd need to be.
- Yeah.

(regal music)
(drum roll)

- See that he gets the full VIP treatment.

(bright music)

(crowd speaking indistinctly)

- We hope, sir, that you'll be comfortable

if you should want anything.

- There's only one thing I want.

That's the other half of my country back.

- There will be a meeting, sir,
in fact, a serious meeting.

- But are you going to give it back?

- We're anxious to give every assistance-

- I shall still want it back.
(crowd cheering)

- That young man's going to be difficult.

(bells ringing)
- Ah, Minister.

Sir John Farthing and his
team have just arrived, sir.

- That's the Canadian ice hockey team?

- No, our expert from Gaillardia, sir.

- Good heavens, I'll see him at once.

- Yes, sir.
- Ah, Tufton-Slade?

- Yes? Sir John?
- Aye.

- My dear fellow. Come and
sit down. Bring a chair.

We've been quire worried about you.

Now, do sit down. Cigarette?

- I'll have my pipe.
- Now, tell me.

- Well, we found it.
- No.

- I say we did.
- Splendid.

- There are very large deposits.

- There are?
- Tremendous deposits.

Comparatively speaking.
- Well that's wonderful.

Now tell me what, what are
you going to do with it?

- Do with it?
- This, this stuff.

- The cobalt?
- Cobalt. Ah, yes, I see.

Yes, of course, that's

stuff you'll find in
children's paint boxes?

- It's what you paint on a hydrogen bomb

to get an explosion of 93 GXZ.

I'm very happy to tell you
that you're now in a position

to blow the entire world to smithereens.

- But that's tremendous.

My dear fellow, how can
we ever thank you enough?

(bright music)

- The Minister's called for a map.

- Yes, of course, help yourself.

- We pulled it off.
- We have?

- Farthing says we found enough

to blow out the entire world.

- Well, that's terrific!

What a triumph for you. Congratulations.

- Well, as far as one can.

But heavens, we don't
need to go any further.

- No, of course not.

- I've got tremendous news.
- Yes.

- C.B.'s brought it off.
- He has?

- We can blow up the entire
universe anytime we wished.

- What? But that's appalling.

- Do you always have to see
the gloomy side of everything?

- Ah, here we are, Sir John.

Now, if you'll just
pinpoint the exact position

of the deposits.

- It's all in this area around here.

- [Minister] But that's in the south.

- Of course it's in the south.

- You're quite sure?
- Naturally I'm sure.

- Do you hear that?
We've got the wrong half.

(dramatic music)

- Yes, oh yes, yes, yes.
(gentle music)

Yes, I appreciate what you say.

Hmm, but already his Majesty
is waiting for two weeks.

You ask him here for urgent talks

and leave him to talk to himself.

No thank you.

His Majesty does not wish
to see the Tower of London.

Already, he was at Battersea
Power Station yesterday,

and he hates that Albert Memorial.

Now please, please, he wants
only to see the Foreign Office.

That's right. Thank you. Okay, goodbye.

(phone clatters)

- Well, what's the excuse this time?

- The Minister's got a cold in the head.

- [King Loris] Yesterday,
his car broke down.

The day before their advisors
went to the wrong ministry.

- They say now they try to
arrange something quickly.

- Then they'll want to try a bit harder.

There's something very peculiar going on,

and I'd like to know what it is.

(triumphant music)

(dramatic music)

(door clatters)

- Now, go now to the foreign secretary.

I'll see you when I return.
- Yes, Uncle.

- Your Majesty's gracious permission,

we will attend to the flowers.

- They've just been done.

- We regret the inconvenience
to Your Majesty,

but there appears to have been
some slight misunderstanding.

(bright music)

(attendant claps)

- Is it true that you have the
King of Gaillardia staying?

- Yes, ma'am, but I understand

that he may be leaving quite shortly.

- We do hope you'll be very
happy here. Well, here we are.

(dramatic music)

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- It is possible, and I
use the word advisedly,

possible that we might pay something.

- May I suggest $17 million.

- I was going to suggest $2.5.

- You must have a word
with the Minister at once.

- Why?

- The King of Gaillardia has just arrived.

- But the Minister's with a Grand Duke.

- Well, he insists on seeing him.

- We can't!

- I don't know what
you're gonna do about it.

He's in the ante room.
(dramatic music)

(door clatters)

- [King Loris] Where
do I find the minister?

- Oh, not here, sir.

Out of that door, turn right,
straight down the corridor.

You'll find somebody to direct you.

- [King Loris] Thank you. Thank you.

(footsteps pattering)
(door clattering)

- Where is he?
- Oh, well he was here.

- Where's the King?
- The what?

- The King of Gaillardia!

(footsteps pattering)

- Well, he came in just now

asking for the Minister, just left.

- There he is!
(footsteps pattering)

- Sir, sir!

I'm so sorry. It was your coat.

(footsteps pattering)
(dramatic music continues)

- Minister's conference,
the center door sir.

- Thank you.
(footsteps pattering)

(papers rustling)
- Come in.

- Your Majesty, might
I have a word with you?

- Not now, Mr. Carlton-Browne.

- It's a matter of certain urgency.

- I'm here to see the Minister.

- I do understand, but I'm
happy that there has no-

- Mr. Carlton-Browne, will
you kindly get outta my way?

- Your Majesty, I very much regret-

- So do I!
(foot bangs)

- Oh!
(door clatters)

- Your Majesty, I really
must ask that you-

- That's all I wanted to know.

(door slams)

- Why on earth did you bring him in here?

- Bring?
(dramatic music)

- (chuckling) You will please tell

his most gracious
excellency, the Grand Duke,

that there is much I can
now do to assist him.

And he is not to worry about the King,

because the British have
dropped him like a baked potato.

So now I think it's very
simple for all of us.

You will please explain to your uncle,

that with me behind the
throne and him in front of it,

you will be, how they say,
standing pretty. (laughing)

Then, of course, you will be
queen, and this young man,

who in any case is very
stupid, will be thrown out.

- Is that all?
- Yes, tell him, please.

- Very well.
(phone clatters)

- Ilyena!

Ah Ilyena, you must get
yourself ready at once.

- What for?
- Mr. Carlton-Browne.

He's bringing his cousin to meet you,

the heir to the Duke of Suffolk.

- Come in, Amphibulos.

Had a profitable afternoon?

- (laughing) Your Majesty, I,
(laughing) have been asleep.

- He says that the King has
been dropped by the British.

- I know that.

- And he feels that now you
could work very well together.

- (chuckling) Oh, he does, does he?

- And I'm beginning to think he's right.

- What'd you say?

- I think what both of
you are doing is horrible,

just horrible!
(dramatic music)

(door slams)

Please!

- No, Miss Adrianus, you remember me?

- Yes, of course, Mr. Jones.

- Well, here we go again.

(descending music)

(door rattles)

This is about the first
nice thing that's happened.

Oh, where, where, where are you off to?

- Nowhere.
- May I come too?

(footsteps pattering)
(bright music)

So you know that old bear, dear?

- Yes, I do.
- And Ilyena?

- Even better.
- I haven't seen her

since she was a spotty face,
little horror of about 10.

(footsteps pattering)

- Can we go in here?
- Anywhere you like.

(footsteps pattering)

The Minister's given me exactly three days

to settle the whole matter.

Of course, if you do marry her,

it'll mean living there
for part of the year.

- Hm, anything to shoot?
- Only the natives.

(both chuckle maniacally)
- What fun.

(bright music)

- [Reporter] As polling day draws near

in the Gosford-Green by-election,

excitement mounts rapidly to fever pitch.

- Thank you. That was
someone I didn't want to see.

- Sh!
- Here at firsthand,

a typical housewife
gives our roving camera

her views on the burning
issues of the day.

- What do you think of
the Cold War, Mrs. Carter?

- I beg your pardon?
- The international situation.

Do you think it's getting any easier?

- Well, (chuckles) I don't really know.

- Of course not.

They say that this election
will be won on the trade issue.

Do you think we are winning
the battle of exports?

- Well, I couldn't say.
- No, quite.

They're telling me locally

that you're all very
concerned about the provision

of new schools.
- Oh yes.

- You feel strongly about that?

- Well, I hadn't really thought about it.

- Well, thank you very
much indeed, Mrs. Carter.

- Thank you.
- You've been most helpful,

and I'm sure we all have a clearer idea

of what is in the mind of
the British housewife today.

Thank you, Mrs. Carter.
- It's quite alright.

(bright music)

- [Reporter] From the
island of Gaillardia,

scene of a recent royal assassination,

important visitors recently
arrived at London Airport.

- I think we can go now.
- No, let's see this.

- We didn't pay to listen to two.

- Oh, sorry.

- [Reporter] Following
closely on the heels

of the young king, the Grand Duke Alexis

is here for urgent talks
with the government.

High foreign officer officials
were there to greet him.

He's accompanied by his
niece, the Princess Ilyena,

whose grace and charm
immediately won the affection

of all those who met her.

A figure of radiant beauty,
her presence here in England,

together with her uncle, the Grand Duke,

will do much to cement relations
between two island peoples.

- So that's it.
- I'm sorry.

I feel terrible about it.
- I've had enough of this.

I'm gonna get the manager.

- There's no need. We're going.

- Well, Ms. Adrianus?

- I'm sorry.

I never meant to deceive you, Mr. Jones.

Please, if you let me, I will explain.

- You'd better. Taxi!

(gentle music)

- Uncle Alex is going to be very angry

- And that makes it just perfect.

(Ilyena giggles)

- Bring another bottle, will you?

- Oui, monsieur.

- What's that lounge suit doing here?

- That's the King of Gaillardia.

- I don't care if it's Benny Hill.

We aren't having lounge suits here.

- Oh, he's ordered another
bottle of the best.

- Well don't take a check.

- Is your niece likely
to be much longer, sir?

- I'm sorry, I can't
understand what's keeping her.

(knocks) Ilyena?

(door clicks)
Ilyena?

- What's she like to look at?
- You'll soon see.

- I apologize, gentlemen. It
seems my niece has disappeared.

(gentle music)

- Ilyena?
- Yes?

- Suppose you were running
a small family concern,

and you learned that a big corporation

has decided to put you out of business,

and then you also discover a relative

is to be put in your place.

- And that your manager
is trying to do a deal

with both of them behind your back?

- Yes, that's it. Well, what would you do?

- (sighs) I dunno.

I wondered, suppose you
put it to the shareholders?

- You mean that...

It's quite an idea, that.

You know, you and I ought to get together.

- Good night, Your Majesty.

- Good night, darling.

(door clatters)

(gentle music)

(bright music)

(door clatters and slams)

- Did you see the Grand Duke?
- No, can't make it out.

He's being most elusive. Is that my tea?

- Yes. How about the girl?
- Well that's just the point.

The three days are up, and
you haven't even met her yet.

I didn't know what the
Minister's going to say.

- Carlton-Browne?
- Yeah?

- Come and see me at once.
- Yes, sir.

(dramatic music)
(door slams)

- Yes, Minister?

- What have you been up
to now, Carlton-Browne?

I gave you three days to
settle this Gaillardia affair,

and what happens?

The King slips through our
hands, returns to the island,

and sends me the rudest
telegram I've ever received.

The Princess, after one look
presumably at your cousin,

goes after him.

So does the Grand Duke,
and to cap everything,

we've just had word that a
revolution has broken out.

- Revolution, sir?
- Three security slipups,

all our negotiations
wrecked, and a revolution.

- How extraordinary!
- Extraordinary, yes.

I don't know what it is, but
put you in charge of anything,

and within 24 hours, this
department is facing a crisis.

We're committed now. We can't back out.

We shall have to send troops in fast.

Who's that military
fellow you had out there?

- Billingham, sir?
- He'll have to take charge,

knows the country.

I want CIGS War Office,
First Lord Admiral,

Secretary for Air and the
Secretary to the Cabinet

in that order, and Carlton-Browne,

although the prospect appalls me.

With half my staff tied
up at the United Nations

and the other half in bed with Asian flu,

I am reluctantly obliged to
place the country's interests

in the hands of the very last person

I'd have chosen for a
mission of this kind.

- Who, who's that, sir?
- You, you...

you half-witted halibut.
(dramatic music)

(footsteps clomping rhythmically)

(bright music)

(plane engine roaring)

(bright singing)

- All history shows that a house

artificially divided
against itself cannot stand.

Gentlemen, for the future
peace of Gaillardia,

may of the whole world,

we ask that this line be withdrawn.

(bright singing)

- On the motion of Great Britain,

that between north and
south the line be withdrawn.

(gavel bangs)
United States.

(bell chimes)
Pakistan.

(representative speaking
in a foreign language)

Argentine?
(bell chimes)

- Si.
- Japan.

- Hai.
- USSR.

(dramatic music)
- Net.

(people speaking indistinctly)
- I thought as much.

(Russian representative
speaking in Russian)

What's he saying?

- The Soviet supports
the spontaneous revolt

to the people against fascist aggression.

They're sending 11 aircraft carriers

and 19 cruisers on a goodwill visit.

(people speaking indistinctly)

- And we've sent Carlton-Browne.

- There's no question-
- All right,

can't go any longer.

Get on, everybody. Come on.

- Sorry I'm late.
(door clattering)

- Where have do you been?

- I had to go back for my earplugs.

- Now, pay attention,
everybody. Now here's a picture.

The revolution started in the north,

but practically in our position,

the narrow of the line driving south.

Rebel headquarters in this village here,

but they have no idea
we're in the country,

so it should be a pretty good party.

Right, we are here then,

straight across our line of advance.

Our attack goes in at 02:00,

30 minutes to map out advance
posts and consolidate,

one hour, 45 to rebel 8Q,
which will be taken by 04:40.

That should give us plenty of time

to court martial the leaders, shoot 'em,

polish equipment before breakfast.

Any questions?
- Oh, what time is breakfast?

- Oh, you can have it anytime.
- Where does one get it?

- Well, haven't you brought any?

They're not on our strength,
you know? Anything else.

- All right, synchronized watches.

I make it 01:35:15 seconds.

- 01:35:16 seconds it is, sir?
- I said 15.

- Yes sir, but I was allowing
the time you were speaking.

- But I spoke for more than a second.

- Well, sir, I thought-
- All right,

what do you make it now?

- 01:35:28, sir.
- 29, sir.

- 31, sir.
- Nonsense, my-

- Oh, stop this! C.B.,
what do you make it?

- Hmm, oh!

I'm afraid mine stopped.

- Everyone, announce that
their watch says 01:36.

DR is at 01:40, and
there's two plus three.

Got that?
- Yes, sir.

- All right, fall out. No smoking.

(dramatic music)

- Didn't you say, "No smoking?"

- Follow me.
(footsteps clomping)

(person snoring)

(ammunition booming)

- Billingham, Billingham, what's that?

- What?
- Listen.

(ammunition booming)

- Hello Rolo, Rolo answering.

Message received and understood, off.

Attack and advance post
just going in, sir.

- Get on. It started.
Nothing to worry about.

We follow up in about half an hour. Good.

(ammunition booming)

- Hello, Rolo, Bolo
calling. Report my signals.

Hello, Rolo, Bolo calling.
Are you receiving me?

Report my signals, over.

- What progress?
- None, sir.

We've lost contact.

They went off the air in
the middle of a message.

- Oh, blasted WT, always packs
up just when you want it.

(ammunition booming)

- Extraordinary, but if one didn't know,

I might think that the
shooting was getting nearer.

- Nonsense, pure illusion.
It must be the mountains.

- Quite.
(soldier knocking)

- What is it?

- [Soldier] There's a force coming out

through the forest, sir.
- From which direction?

- There, sir.
- We're being attacked, sir.

- Where?
- From over here, sir.

- Nonsense.
(ammunition booming)

Where?
- There, sir.

(ammunition booming)

- Inside, quick!

(ammunition booming)

(insects chirping)

(guns blasting)

(banging)
- Let me in!

(guns blasting)
(door clattering)

- What the devil were you doing out there?

- We're being attacked!
- Impossible!

There's not a rebel on
this side of the mountains.

(artillery hissing and booming)

- Where did that come from?

- There must be a rebel
force we haven't heard about.

- What do we do?
- Only one thing we can do.

Here, take these. We'll
have to shoot our way out.

- But I can't, I'm a civilian.

If I'm caught with these,
I'll be shot on the spot.

- If you caught on the toilet,
you'll be shot on the spot.

- They wouldn't dare, would they?

- Sh, listen.

They stop firing.
- Contact again, sir.

Attack progressing.
Advance boats surrounded.

- Oh, shut up!
(door clattering)

(ammunition hisses)

- Quick, quick, clear this door!

(objects clattering)

(everyone coughing)

- Major Miller!
- What's the meaning of this,

surrounding your own headquarters?

Bloody scandal!

- We must have gone
around in circles, sir.

- If you didn't, you're going to.

Put yourself under arrest.
- Sir.

- Captain Bolt.
- Sir.

- Take these men back to the start line.

The operation will continue.

- Sir. All right, follow
over there. Follow me.

- On the double!

- [Soldier] Hurry, get these men moving.

(soldiers yelling indistinctly)

- Lucky they didn't shoot us.

- I don't agree.
(dramatic music)

- No sign of A Company on
that flank either, sir.

- Coming out. Shouldn't we
sit here and wait for them?

- Certainly not. We're
already behind schedule.

Anyway, they could be ahead of us.

All right, fall in behind. Come on.

(footsteps crunching)

- [Soldier] Billingham, are
all campaigns like this?

- Like what?
- Well, a shambles.

- Nothing of the kind.

Everything's going
completely according to plan.

What are you're talking about?

As a matter of fact, if
we get there by daybreak,

we can still catch 'em on the hop.

The important thing is
initiative and surprise,

complete surprise.

Oh-oh, Carlton-Browne?
(dramatic music)

(telegraph beeping)
(people speaking indistinctly)

- Mr. Carlton-Browne, and Duke Alexis.

I beg your pardon, Brigadier,
I see you've been promoted.

This is quite unexpected.
Where were you both off to?

- Well, I, sir, we, sir.

(King Loris speaking
in a foreign language)

(soldier speaking in a foreign language)

Now, sit down both of you.
You must be very tired.

- I'd rather stand, thank you, sir.

- Well now, Mr. Carlton-Browne.

- Well, sir, we'd, we'd heard

that there was a revolution and-

- You rushed troops out here to rescue me?

- Yes, sir.

- Well that was very considerate.

But weren't you told that I started it?

- Started what, sir?
- Revolution.

The Minister made it clear it
was the only thing left to do,

and it's going very well.

- I'm very glad, sir.
- Thank you.

Well, apart from a few
of the Grand Duke's men,

it seems to be all over.

- I think I will sit down
if you don't mind, sir.

- Certainly. Excuse me a though.

Ah, gentlemen, I think you know my fiance,

the Princess Ilyena.

They've gallantly made
the most arduous journey

to bring us their
government's congratulations.

- How very brave.
- Yes.

We shall have to find some
way to express our gratitude

for all they've done.
- Of course.

- [King Loris] What you have done

will be long remembered in Gaillardia.

We therefore do invest you
with the Star of Elysium,

third class.
(crowd cheering)

That surprised you, didn't it?

Only one thing clouds are happiness today.

For reasons of health,
the Grand Duke Alexis

has decided to spend his remaining years

in a hotel in Portugal.
(crowd clapping)

Mr. Amphibulos, with rare generosity,

has resolved to accompany him.

(crowd booing and whistling)
(crowd clapping)

And now, I'm going to
ask Mr. Carlton-Browne

to kick off for this
goodwill football match,

which will mark the
departure of our visitors

from the USA and the USSR.
(crowd cheering)

Thank you, Mr. Carlton-Browne.
- Your Majesty.

(bright music)
(crowd clapping)

(football booms)
(dramatic music)

(gentle music)
(tea burbling)

- [Lady Carlton-Browne] How
many paragraphs, Arthur?

- None.
- None?

There's a short leader.

"When Cadogan De Vere Carlton-Browne
leaves hospital today,

"he will go straight to
Buckingham Palace for investiture.

"His knighthood is a well-merited reward

"for his services in the
cause of world peace.

"His handling of a difficult
situation has throughout

"proved a triumph of British diplomacy."

(playful music)