Original subtitles

Thank you.

To think I actually liked this book before you told me why I didn't want it.

Take it from me, that writer is rising from obscurity into oblivion.

But your reviews don't... Well, what do you expect when I have to be witty about

the witless and coherent about the incoherent?

Bet you'd be more tolerant if you had to write novels yourself.

Can't a critic give his opinion of an omelet without being asked to lay an

Have a nice day, Mr. Braithwaite. Thank you. Just watch yourself around the

chicken coop.

Can't believe it. Four whole days together.

Jenny deserves a break.

It'll be a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I told her specifically 10 o 'clock.

Sorry, Jenna. Funny time.

We can take a quick walk before she gets here.

Walk? Walk where?

I don't know. Just around the hotel.

Look at the bay.

Still not answering.

She should be here by now. Don't worry.

She's probably on her way.

I wasn't thinking.

I'm sorry. Sorry, I wasn't thinking.

What a horrible man.

Bad news?

To think a tree died so he could print this stuff.

Braithwaite. Critic everyone loves to hate.

Listen to this.

No doubt this book was written while the author was waiting for his elevator to

reach his floor. Could have been a slow elevator.

Could have been a terrific novel.

With a review like this, who's going to bother reading it? Nobody listens to

critics anyway.

He actually thinks he's clever.

You mean he's not?

And what about the convention situation?

About half the engineers left and the rest are clear by today.

Well, that sounds as if we might be able to actually take a break for

Thanksgiving.

Where are you off to, Peter?

Oh, Mendocino.

That's a lovely drive up the coast.

Family affair?

An old army buddy. He and his wife always have a big crowd.

You? Oh, I can't decide.

The Honigs have invited me to dinner.

But they always drag out their home movies.

And the Biddeford's called as well, but... Oh, there's such hypochondriacs.

How about a drumstick with one and dessert with the other?

Is that what they call the turkey trot?

Oh.

No, no, I really didn't ever think that it would be a bestseller.

I just sat down to write a simple book with a beginning and end and little sex

and sin in the middle.

Oh. Well, what do you think?

Is Adrian Dupre up to date enough?

Like a 1940 calendar.

Hello?

Hello, Miss Klein? Mark Danning calling from the lobby. The natives are getting

restless.

Mr. Prey is on her way down.

But first we clean her up.

I just don't want to seem like a small town.

Aggie, that is part of your charm.

Then where are all the men I'm supposed to be charming?

Well, how could they find you in this mess?

It's going to be very strange being home. I haven't been back in over a

Got your passport?

Only need a visa for Oklahoma.

What about you? You have plans?

Taking Rosemary out for sushi.

Raw fish on Thanksgiving?

It's the only thing she'll eat since she read how sushi feeds the erogenous

zone. Oh, good for her.

Good for me.

To our little girl, the next Oxford fellow.

Oxford may have something to say about that, Dad. Oh, when was the last time

didn't get what you wanted?

Think of it, Jenny. All those handsome young Englishmen in caps and gowns

punting through the willows. That's just Hollywood's Oxford, Dad.

But they do have a great art museum, and I... Industrial chemistry is all you

have to be concerned about, darling.

Want to pick me up?

Yeah, try this.

We call it Confessions.

And guess who has to sell it to America?

It's lovely.

Should be.

Costed 6 .2 million to develop.

I brought you a lovely dress from Bendel's.

Maybe you'd like to wear it to dinner?

Thanks, Mom, but I think I'm fine like this.

All right.

I have something for you, too.

Oh.

Hope you like it.

Oh, sweetheart, you know how I treasure anything you give me.

Honey, I think you're overdoing it.

Just relaxing, Daddy.

Thank you, darling.

Look, Carl.

Oh, it's lovely.

It's very lovely.

And wonderfully depressing.

Where do you find the time?

I make time, Mother.

Isn't that what you always taught me?

Always make time for work?

The right work, Jenny.

That's what's important.

The right work.

and 67 copies.

I'll let your fingers do the walking.

Miss Dupre, those things you wrote about, like the locker room scene,

did those things really happen to you?

Trade secret.

But as Charles Dickens said, write what you know.

Well, I know I'll never look at whipped cream the same way again.

Remember me?

Yes, Sandro Pay, wasn't it?

Mind if I join you?

I was waiting for a friend.

He's flying in.

But you know how temperamental those private jets can be.

Nick, Jones.

Agatha Deming.

Another?

Could I have a scotch, please?

So you're here for the book fair?

Oh, no. I only read for pleasure.

I'm a designer, actually. What do you design?

Whistle sticks.

Oh.

And you?

I'm a, uh, pasta inspector.

I've never heard of that before.

Oh, yes. You have no idea the miles and miles of spaghetti I have to walk each

year. Really?

Really. It's not a pretty job, and someone's got to do it.

I threw it high and wide, and Peter jumped for it. It was just like slow

Remember, Peter?

You just floated right past the blocker and the linebacker, yard for yard.

That championship season again, Carl still dreams about it. He's not the only

one. Nothing wrong with remembering good times.

Honey, you've hardly touched a thing.

Oh, I had plenty, Daddy, really.

It's all right, Carl.

It won't hurt for Jenny to go a little hungry.

You can never be too rich or too thin.

Right, darling?

Uh, how's that boyfriend you told me about?

Dan? He's fine.

I'd like to meet him anytime you want to bring him around.

Maybe later. We're on a kind of tough schedule.

Oh, next year will be the best ever.

Tell him about Oxford, sweetheart.

Please don't start that again.

But we're counting on you, darling.

Oh, not that there's any doubt that she'll get it.

Phi Beta Kappa.

Summa Cum Laude.

It looks like I'm going to have to learn Latin to talk to you.

Isn't she wonderful?

Your goddaughter can do anything she sets her mind to.

Did you know they call Oxford the city of dreaming spires?

I used to dream of being a student there.

Now it's Jenny's dream, too.

Thank you.

Dinner was just delightful.

Thank you, Nick. Oh, you made a lonely pot, Inspector. Very happy.

I would love to see your collection of swizzle sticks.

Oh, and I would love to show them to you.

But it's late, and my swizzles are frazzled.

According to that book that everybody's reading, it's never too late.

Too bad my mother always warned me.

The road to ruin is paved with good additions.

Wilma, do you believe in sex at first sight?

Who is it?

It's me. I know you said you were busy tonight, but...

Ginny, it's late.

I know.

You have company.

Look, I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?

Sure.

Okay.

I understand.

These things happen.

I love you, too.

Bye.

Megan.

22 pounds, 11 ounces, and it's all ours.

Better figure out what to do with leftovers.

My folks can't make turkey this year.

Aw, what happened?

Well, Daddy has to go to St. Louis on business, and Mom's going to fly up and

make a weekend of it with him.

Well, you'll still see him at Christmas.

And besides, shh, Daddy's talking.

With the guys from school coming over, plus my folks, this bird's going to be

picked to the bone.

Hey, guys.

Hi. What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Want to come over? Oh, I'd love to, but Grandma's expecting me.

Oh, thanks, but my new lady friend's making a gourmet feast.

I wonder who's going to be dessert.

Actually, I'm bringing it.

You guys ever heard of a Charlotte Molokoff?

Ladyfingers drenched in orange liqueur, then covered with gobs of almond cream,

dripping with fresh raspberries.

Ooh, you make the turkey, Dave.

I'm going with Mark.

Me too.

Well, I guess it's just you and me, kid.

You know, we really shouldn't keep parading Jenny in front of everyone.

Oh, don't be silly.

It's time she learned not to be so modest.

Not such a bad quality.

Only if you have something to be modest about.

Like me, you mean.

Now, that's not fair.

You're the most successful man I know.

Maybe I was ten years ago.

The trouble with success is you've got to keep on being a success.

Like you.

Now, Carl, my gain is your gain. I couldn't have done it without your

I'm sorry, honey.

Just wish I didn't feel like you and Jenny are leaving me behind.

Darling, you are being silly.

I am being honest.

There is nothing special about me.

I'm never going to do anything that nobody else can do.

That's why you and Jenny mean everything to me.

And we love you very much.

You'll make vice president soon. I know you will.

Oh, maybe I should have called first.

And ruined my entry.

Did room service bring the coffee up?

My aunt.

Oh. And don't forget the time.

An avid reader.

Well, she can curl up with a good book while we go out for dinner tonight.

What a novel way to ask for a date.

Eight o 'clock.

Since when does coffee come gift -wrapped?

Maybe next time with cream?

They expect so much from me, Pete.

It's been like that all my life.

Even when I was little, that's all I ever heard, how special I was.

You are, but you don't have to spend the rest of your life proving it.

Sometimes I think I do it to myself.

All my professors say that I have a brilliant future.

But it's only when I'm drawing that I'm really alive.

You've got to give yourself a break once in a while.

I don't know how.

Why not take the next year off?

Bum around Europe, paint, just lay in the sun.

Jenny's not supposed to be irresponsible.

Why not? It's Jenny's life.

Most of the time it feels like somebody else's. And all I'm doing is filling in

for them.

Not bad for a brilliant chemist.

But like my mother says, the world's full of dilettantes.

A dilettante didn't draw this.

Just don't tell me I'm a genius, okay?

I don't have the technique yet.

I got a feeling you're on the right track.

That must be why I keep getting run over.

But I never let on who I was. That's the problem. I just pretended to be super

sophisticated.

You mean you're not?

From Four Corners, New Hampshire.

If you really want to know the truth, I came here hoping for it.

Well?

A torrid affair, just like the ones you wrote about. Well, why didn't you tell

him about your book?

And have him think I'm a nymphomaniac?

I couldn't help it.

Couldn't hurt.

Yes, you could.

Nick is a gentleman.

Oh, come on, Aggie. You're the writer. Use your imagination.

That's what got me into this mess in the first place.

True.

I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have barged in. It's okay, but I think

you better give me back my key.

Stan, please.

I know we've had problems. Correction, you've got problems. What the hell am I?

Post -grad special project, three hours of Dan 101 this semester?

I'll find more time for it, I promise. What's the point?

You make love, you don't even enjoy it.

You're too busy thinking about combustion chambers.

This came yesterday.

I'm really sorry, Jenny.

I need you.

Too late for us.

No. I'll change. It's going to be different this time. Just because you

get the fellowship doesn't change things between us.

You better give me back my girl.

I thought that you cared about me.

I hate you for this.

Look in the mirror sometime.

That's who you really hate.

Basically, the format's the same. Author versus critic.

Dick will play referee.

We'll need one.

Wilma! Excuse me.

How is my favorite editor, and when do I meet your superstar?

Mr. Bray had two other TV spots to do, several radio interviews.

Mm -hmm. Do I smell fear?

Maybe. Fear that you might try to destroy a brilliant career.

Oh, Wilma, I'm sorry.

It's just that when I dislike a book, I'm terribly amusing. But when I write

about something I like, I'm appallingly dull.

What if I told you Adriana Dupre is really a very nice young woman? Well,

be like saying the Marquis de Sade was a strict disciplinarian.

You know something, Nick? Being a smart critic doesn't begin to compensate for

being born stupid.

Kitty. I seem to have no warm personal enemies left.

Vinnie.

I just saw your folks.

Aren't they upstairs?

Well, they're at some kind of a business function.

You need the key?

Oh, I wanted to talk to them.

But it's okay, I can wait.

Can I get the key to the Greenwich suite?

How about grabbing a bite?

I'd love to, but I... I've really got to do some work.

I'll call if you need me.

Good evening, Mrs. Capper.

Yes, Gus. Mrs. Honig called, afraid she had to cancel Thanksgiving.

Oh. What happened?

Attack of sciatica. Oh, dear.

That's too bad.

Well, I guess I'll have to go to the Biddeford's after all.

I'll probably serve wheat germ instead of turkey.

It's a private party. Oh, no, because they're very public people. They won't

mind.

Oh, I love bazooka music.

Yes, isn't it?

Oh, he wants me.

Are you jealous?

Never on Sunday.

Kiss me.

McDermott. Peter, it's Jenny.

How about that pizza?

Oh, I can't right now. I'm up to my ears.

How about an hour?

That's okay.

I'll just order up a sandwich.

Whose room is this?

Ours. Oh.

That is the best kiss I ever...

Jenny?

Jenny?

Jenny?

Jenny, it's Peter.

Jenny? I brought you that pizza.

Jenny, you in there?

My God.

I am the very model of a modern age of general. I've information vegetable,

animal, and mineral.

I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical from Marathon to

Waterloo in order categorical.

I understand equations both the simple and the radical.

I am very good at integral and differential calculus. I know the

names of being animaculous. In short, it matters vegetable and animal and

mineral. I am the very model of a modern major general.

Adriana Dupre, author of the tawdry bestseller Small Town Wives, is the most

inept writer of bedroom melodrama.

Ever did... Did you see that blue sky out there?

Couldn't wait to take advantage of me, could you?

Uh, I touched a cloud.

You are not in it. Getty, you are in poison pen.

All right, let me explain.

Go ahead.

Explain how a writer spends five years of her life writing a book. Okay, so

not Tolstoy, but people like it. And then along comes Nicholas Braithwaite

his shark's teeth. I resent that.

Good writing is more important than a person's feelings.

Oh, boy.

I'm glad I found that out in time. I thought we had something wonderful going

here. We did.

Until you lied.

Aggie, it was just a little lie. I wanted you to like me for myself.

Not as Nicholas Braithwaite, the social lion.

Social lion?

You are an animal, Captain.

Aggie.

Oh, thank you, Kai.

Helen, what a coincidence.

I was just about to call you and ask you what time... Oh.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

No, no, I understand perfectly.

Right, dear.

We brought some clothes for you and a little bag with you. You'd better go to

get some rest now.

One more minute, please. She needs time to wake up. Come on, honey. She'll talk

to us later.

Come on.

Why?

How could you do this to me?

To you, Frances.

Stop it. But why?

When everything was going so well.

Don't take it so personally.

All men live for life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Yeah, well, he pursued me right into his bed.

And I don't even remember what happened.

Do I get one guess?

Worth. He's not Nick Jones.

He's Nick Braithwaite.

You're kidding.

What a sly old shark.

I always thought he was only interested in a love affair with himself.

Actually, he's kind of gentle and sweet.

But he hates my book.

Does he know you're not who he thought you were?

No. I don't want him to think the book's about me.

It's a fantasy.

Your fantasy.

And if you're afraid of it, maybe you should never have become a writer.

Peter, how's Jenny?

She wouldn't talk to her folks, wouldn't talk to me.

But she'll be going home soon.

Yeah, I guess so, but going home doesn't mean she'll be all right.

Any messages while I was out? Oh, yes.

The cellar master called. He has that cape of Cabernet ordered.

Oh, yeah, I'm taking it to my friends for Thanksgiving.

Not that I'm going to be in much of a mood to enjoy it.

I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Braithwaite, but... No, it's all right.

There's no Miss Deming registered in this hotel. Yeah, of course there is.

in the ethics suite.

No, sir. That's where that writer's staying. I thought you confined the

to the cheaper rooms. Not this one.

She wrote that bestseller with the whipped cream scene.

Adriana Dupree?

Yes, sir.

She's in the ethics suite.

Yes, sir.

What would you like me to do with these flowers?

You got a wife?

Yeah. Why don't you give them to her?

And forget about the whipped cream. Oh, that'll be kind of tough. We just fill

the refrigerator with it.

I know you'll like Dr. Haber. He works

with lots of young people.

Code blue, code blue, room 304.

Cardiac. Hang in there, Jenny. I'll be back soon.

I just wanted to know why you lied to me.

Well, you hated Nick Braithwaite.

What was I supposed to do?

That doesn't excuse last night.

Nothing happened.

You passed out.

Why don't we start?

Hi.

I'm Nick Braithwaite.

I'm in the book section.

I'm Agatha Deming from Four Corners, New Hampshire.

Where Small Town Wives is set, right? That brilliant expose on small town

Oh, Maggie, come on.

You wrote a potboiler about that Leezy Thacks.

You know?

So you've just been playing with me all along?

No, I just figured it out.

But I think it's great that you tried to write a book.

Try.

One of your fellow critics said my book was original and good.

Sure. Except that the part that's original is not good and the part that's

is not original. You conceited, arrogant, insufferable eunuch.

Eunuch? All you critics are eunuchs.

You can't do it yourself.

You don't think so?

That doesn't change anything?

Aggie, there is nothing personal here. Now, believe it or not, I value what I

do. I'm a good critic.

And my book?

How can I give it a good review if I don't think it's good?

If you cared about me, you would.

I do care about you.

But I can't.

So who needs you?

Getting a good review from you would be like kissing a hog with bad breath.

Know anyone who wants a Charlotte Molokoff?

What happened to your budding romance?

Wilted. Aw.

I'm sorry.

What happened?

Same old story.

Boy meets girl.

Boy gets girl. Girl meets Marine with tattoo.

Well, spend Thanksgiving with us. We've got more turkeys than we can handle.

Including one lovesick turkey?

The only tattoo around is going to be the USDA inspection.

Well, if she comes back to the dorm, would you please tell her I called?

Thank you.

Police can't find her. Nobody at the hospital saw her leave.

You think it's my fault, don't you?

I didn't say that.

All I've ever done is encourage Jenny.

It's not wrong to work hard, is it?

Maybe the question is, what's she working so hard for?

Well, if you had any ambition yourself, you'd know.

Finally said it, didn't you? Stop it, Carl. I'm just upset and tired.

I'm tired of you always leaving the decisions to me and then making me feel

guilty about them.

Well, maybe we ought to let Jenny make a few of those decisions.

Like what?

To throw away a brilliant career?

I don't think you understand what's important to her.

I understand my daughter all right.

It's you I don't understand.

Did you ever?

You think you can pretend that I'm to blame for all this?

I'm not pretending anything.

Right now, neither one of us looks too good.

Carl.

I'm Mary.

You're my husband.

I love you.

I didn't mean any of that.

Maybe not.

But I did.

I'm sorry, Mr. Cabot. Nobody's seen her anywhere.

You're kidding.

30 minutes to airtime and my guest star is on the lam?

We'll keep looking, I promise.

I'm sorry, Dick. It's my fault.

She thinks I want to make a fool out of her.

Well, don't tell me the idea didn't fleetingly cross your mind. I'll let her

become a flesh -and -blood woman instead of some rotten author I have to review.

Well, looks like it's you and me alone, old shark.

What's happened to me, Dick?

I just haven't been myself lately.

Some of us see that as a step in the right direction.

Only kidding.

It'll be the Dick and Nick show.

Mind if I what?

What are you going to do next, Jenny?

Start crying, I think.

Then you better get on over here.

I'm so sorry.

Suicide is no solution, you know.

I didn't plan it. It just happened.

I know.

I blew it all.

Dan, the fellowship.

You know, for a smart kid, you're not using your head. You didn't blow

It's still your life.

Tell my mother that. You tell her. You're a grown woman.

I'm scared.

Of what?

Going out on my own.

Making mistake.

Well, I hate to tell you how many I've made.

Be a painter if that's what you want. Help me a breakdancer.

I'm so tired. Well, then stop fighting yourself.

A breakdancer?

Now there's an idea.

Mr. Prey.

Dick Cavett's people have been looking all over for you.

I'm not Adriana Dupre, and I never was.

Excuse me.

So that's it?

I'm not going to let him walk all over me. Well, isn't that exactly what you're

doing right now?

I'm not going to sit there and be insulted.

Well, you have a mouth, too, you know.

I'm sorry, Wilma. I just can't do it. I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry that under that small -town exterior, there's the same old big -city

lack of character.

My baby.

My baby.

I'm sorry.

What I did was stupid.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

As long as you're home again.

I'm going to start seeing a counselor at the health center.

We want to help.

Then let me live my own life.

But I thought we always did.

I'm not going to Oxford.

Well, darling, if that's really what you want, of

course we want you to be happy, but don't make up your mind in a rush.

I didn't get the fellowship.

What are you saying? I turned you down?

Yes.

telling you.

But you can face it now.

If you let me off the hook, I can't deal with the pressure anymore. I just

can't. But darling, that's life.

Jenny, be sensible.

We've all had a terrible disappointment, but there are plenty of other good

English universities.

For God's sake, you are such a snob.

Why don't you ever hear what I'm saying?

I've never heard you talk like this before.

Well, then I have an awful lot to make up for, haven't I?

So have we.

Honey, you can be a deep sea diver if that's what you want.

We're with you now.

Is that right, Mom?

I was always with you.

I'm sorry you never knew that.

I'm sorry I failed you.

I failed myself.

Jenny, please.

Don't hate me.

I don't hate you.

What happened?

You better move it. You're going to miss your plane.

What plane?

The airport's fogged in. They canceled the flight.

I guess Oklahoma's going to have to wait till Christmas.

How about going up to Mendocino with me?

Oh, thanks, Peter, but I don't think so. I won't know anyone.

Excuse me.

Mr. McDermott, do you have a moment?

Sure.

You've all read his columns and his reviews, and so you know that he uses

pen as deftly as a steel rapier.

My second guest unfortunately failed to arrive, so we're going to carry on

anyway. I'd like you to meet the gentleman on my left, Nicholas

critic you like to hate.

Including me.

Well, I guess you all recognize our

late arrival.

the author of the book nobody wants to be caught reading in public, Adriana

Dupre.

I thought you said you weren't going to go through with this.

I changed my mind.

About me, too?

The book, Small Town Wives, has become almost as controversial as your own

reviews, Nick. Do you really think that it deserves all this attention?

I just loved it.

We are talking about Small Town Wives, aren't we? Yes, it's a stunning

performance in the tradition of popular romance, a tradition that runs from

Dickens to Barbara Cartland via Peyton Place.

Oh, knock it off, Nick.

You think it's unadulterated trash.

Well, um, there seems to be a slight difference of opinion developing here.

Come on, Braithwaite, tell the truth.

Say what you really think about it.

Well, unfortunately, thought is totally alien to this kind of book.

Atta boy.

But that's nothing to apologize for.

Isn't the first job of a storyteller to make people feel and not think?

You succeeded with me.

I'm crazy about you.

Are you crazy enough to try the whipped cream?

I guess that, to quote some small -time wives, it's time we got sex out of the

bedroom and back in the kitchen.

You sure you'll be all right?

Oh, yes.

I'll be fine, Kyle. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Thank you.

I thought you were going up north.

Oh, I changed my mind.

But your friends.

I mean, isn't Thanksgiving a time to be with your friends?

Well, I can drive up in a month for a weekend.

Didn't you know, Victoria, that Thanksgiving is a time to be with your