Original subtitles

Thanks for the lift.

I sure wish you were going all the way.

- Well, you're welcome and I sure worry

about a young girl like you

out here hitchhiking alone by herself.

- I'll be okay.

So long. - Goodbye, goodbye.

- Hello, bird!

' Hey, Joe!

JOe!

Joe, I'm back here!

Wait up, I'll walk in with ya!

How about those stewardesses, Joe?

Did you notice that?

They were really knockouts, almost every one of 'em.

Drives you right up the wall, right?

- Right, right.

- Look, Joe, like I said, I always mind my own business,

but when I meet someone who's gone

through the same darn thing I have,

I just want to help out.

I mean, that's just the way I am, do you understand?

- Oh, sure, sure.

- Well, then listen to me, Joe.

The only way to get over a bad marriage,

or a breakup with anybody,

is to go right out and find somebody else right away,

and I mean pronto.

Oh, psychiatrists will give you a lot ofjunk about,

you know, adjusting to failure

and all that kinda stuff.

But don't listen to 'em.

What I say is...

Hey, get a load of that.

Oh!

Oh, Joe, these kids today drive

you right up the wall, right?

- Yeah, right, right.

- How long have you been divorced now Joe, you said?

- Well, I told you, it's been-

- Three months, right? - Three months, right.

- Yeah, yeah.

And what have you been doin' all this time?

I mean, just sittin'

around feelin' sorry for yourself, I'll bet.

- No, no, not really. - Yeah?

Well, then, how many women have you been out with

since you busted up with what's her name?

- Well, actually, I- - How many? None.

- I haven't had much time. - None, right?

That's right. - Well-

- And you know why, Joe?

You know why?

Because you're the sensitive type, Joe.

That's it.

You're sensitive and if you don't watch yourself,

you're gonna end up on a psychiatrist's couch.

- I don't follow what you're- - Pick up a girl.

Thin, dark haired brunette.

Hey.

Oh, take one look at that.

You know, I'll bet you don't even have a date

for New Year's Eve, do you?

- Well, I haven't met too many people out here socially yet.

- Oh, come on.

Don't bull me, Joe.

I know that you're lonely, you're unhappy, you're uptight.

You're horny.

- Oh, now, wait a minute, Fred.

- So why don't you just do me and yourself a favor?

Pick up a girl, and check into a motel.

- A motel?

- Oh, yeah, that is the magic word.

You just mention the word motel,

and you'll know right off if you're in or out.

I travel all the time, Joe.

I know what I'm talkin' about.

Motel is the secret word.

Don't play grab bag with your life, Joe.

Listen, Joe, I've got somethin' for you.

A telephone number.

This is a computer dating service.

They've got offices in all the major cities.

Don't forget, Joe, we're studs, bulls.

We can service any number of women.

Live your life, and don't look back, Joe.

Oh my gosh, I've gotta run.

My girlfriend's gonna pick me up.

Well, so long, Joe, and Happy New Year.

- Well, Happy New Year to you, Fred.

- I want you to know,

it's been a real pleasure meeting somebody on an airplane

that you've got a genuine rapport with.

So, go out and get 'em, boy.

Bye bye.

- Goodbye.

Ivan Wiles, white courtesy telephone, please.

Ivan Wiles, white courtesy telephone, please.

- Hi.

- Well, hello.

- So, you're getting off here too, huh?

- Yep, I live here. - Do you?

Well, I suppose they're gonna

have you flying New Year's Eve, are they?

- No.

I'm gonna be off three whole days.

- Really?

Probably going to some big New Year's Eve party?

- No, I just want to spend a nice, quiet evening.

- You know, I've got a great idea.

I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

I could get in my car,

and just drive up to- - How are ya?

Mr. Maroni,

I'd like you to meet my husband, George.

George, this is Mr. Maroni.

- Well, how do you do? - Glad to meet you.

- Pleasure.

- Well, I hope we'll be flying together

again sometime real soon.

- Oh, so do I, so do I.

- Certainly. - Bye.

- Goodbye.

Limousine service for Downtown Albuquerque

now departing front to concourse.

All aboard, please.

J' I've been travelin' around J'

J' You know there's lots of pretty things to see J'

J' Got everything I need J'

J' A guitar and my favorite jeans J'

J' And I'm feelin' kinda silly 'cause I can't stop grinnin' J'

J' Sunshine makes me feel that way J'

J' I got a bad case of sweet cheeks J'

J' And it's showin' all over me J'

J' Wake me up in the mornin' J'

J' You know I got a lotta songs to sing J'

J' Lots of highway to travel J'

J' Lots of sunshine and strawberry strings J'

J' And I'm feelin' kinda silly J'

J' 'Cause I can't stop grinnin' J'

J' Sunshine makes me feel that way J'

J' I got a bad case of sweet cheeks J'

J' And it's showin' all over me J'

- Hi.

- Hello.

Didn't you just pass me goin' the other way?

- Yeah, I was comin' back to pick you up.

Far out.

How come you didn't pick me up the first time?

- Oh, I was going too fast.

The roads are pretty narrow.

- I bet you thought I was gonna molest ya.

Yeah.

I've never picked a girl up before.

On the highway, I mean.

- So I'm your first experience, right?

Right.

- I'm Ginger Brown.

Joe Maroni.

How do you do?

- Fine, how are you?

- How far are you goin'?

- Colorado Springs.

My old man's a sergeant in the Air Corps there.

He's a mechanic.

I haven't seen him in a couple years.

How far are you goin'?

- Denver.

- Out of sight.

Can I ride all the way with ya?

- Sure.

- Shew!

One ride, all the way to Colorado Springs.

- I do have to stop in Santa Fe.

I have some business I have to take care of.

- So we'll stop over.

. Okay-

- More coffee?

- Yes, please.

No, thank you.

Why couldn't I have another cup of coffee?

- Because coffee gives you wrinkles.

Didn't you know that?

- No, I didn't know that.

- Well, did you ever see anybody with wrinkles

that didn't drink a lot of coffee?

- I don't think so.

Look over there.

Look over there.

See what I mean?

Look at me.

I don't have any wrinkles,

and I don't even drink coffee.

- Yeah.

I never thought about that.

You better think about it.

Yeah.

J' Maraschino now J'

J' What does she know about my cherry red J'

J' So, listen, people, while I sing this song J'

J' About how the food and drugs gone wrong J'

J' Well, they lied J' J' They lied J'

J' About formaldehyde J'

J' Well, they're feedin' us poison without any warnin' J'

J' Why, I had a bowl of maraschinos this mornin' J'

J' And now I do about a bag a day, oh J'

J' I can't go on strung out this way J'

J' You don't get high J'

J' No, you just die, from eating J'

- That's a motel.

- Yes, Sir, there's a motel, all right.

J' Maraschino, now, what does she know J'

J' about my cherry red J'

- Well, I'll see if they've got a couple of rooms.

- I won't tell my mother if you won't tell yours.

Okay, it's a deal.

- It was hard enough for my mother and Daddy

to accept me as a hippie, much less a kept woman.

- Right.

_ Hey! JQe? . Yes?

Will you get adjoining rooms?

- Adjoining rooms?

- Yes, so we can talk through the connecting door.

. Okay-

- Evenin'. - Good evening.

Like a room?

- Yes, as a matter of fact, I'd like two rooms.

- Uh huh.

- That's my sister.

She's traveling with me.

- And you'd like adjoining rooms?

- Adjoining rooms, yes, that'll be fine.

Just fine.

- Well, I'm sorry to say we've only got one room left.

- Oh. - A unit with twin beds.

- Oh. - I could give you a screen.

This would give you and your sister a semblance of privacy.

- A screen?

Yes, that is a thought.

I'll have to discuss it with my sister, naturally.

- Oh, naturally. - Yeah.

- Would you like to see the room?

- See the room?

See the room.

No, on second thought,

I think I'd better try somewhere else.

It's the holidays, you know?

Everything's filled.

- Yes, well, if we can't find anything else, we may be back.

Thank you.

- Well, good luck.

You're gonna need it.

- Yeah.

They only had one room.

- Did it have twin beds?

- Well, yeah, why?

- Well, remember that old movie?

- What, about twin beds?

- Yeah, with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert?

I saw it on "The Late Show" once.

- "It Happened One Night."

- Yeah, that's it.

Well, why don't we do it like they did?

- Like what?

- We could pose as man and wife,

and get a rope and a blanket,

and make a barrier between the beds.

- Rope and a blanket?

- Yeah, wouldn't it be a gas?

As long as you don't have a toy trumpet, I'm safe.

' A t°Y trumpet?

- Don't you remember at the end of the movie,

when Gable blew on the trumpet

and the walls of Jericho

- came tumbling down? - Tumbling...

Yes, I remember, I remember.

- Where to now?

- Is it too late for dinner?

- You don't pass up a meal

just cause of what the clock says.

- Right.

Two for dinner?

- Yes, please.

- Which way to the ladies' room?

- Top of the stairs to the right, Miss.

- Thank you.

You try to behave while I'm gone, will ya?

- Yes, I'll try.

This way, please.

Can I help you?

- Yes, thank you.

- This way, please.

- Wow.

Who are you?

- I'm Ginger Brown, from Miss Goldbrick's School

of Pedigreed Young Ladies.

- You look lovely. - Thank you.

Shall we dine?

I could eat a horse.

- I don't know if they serve horse on the menu, Madame,

but if not, we'll certainly send out for one.

- May I take your drink orders?

- No, thank you.

- Scotch and soda, please.

- Right.

- Thank you.

- Can I have anything I want?

' WhY not?

- Far out.

Joe? . Hm?

- Are you married?

- No.

At least, not anymore.

Why do you ask?

- Your wedding ring.

Why don't you take it off?

It might make you feel better.

- Thank you.

- Mm hm.

- That looks good.

What are you doing?

- You know what this is?

- Whipped cream. - Wrong.

It's all synthetic.

Didn't you ever read on the can what's in this stuff?

- I never- - You should.

There's not anything in here that ever came close to a cow.

- Well, that won't kill you will it?

- That's not the point.

The point is you are what you eat.

- Right.

No coffee, thank you.

- You want some of this?

- No, thank you.

A fella I met on the plane

today said that after a divorce,

you should go out and have a lot of affairs.

What do you think about that?

- Sure, if you're that kinda guy.

But I don't think you're that kinda guy.

Hasn't there been anybody?

I mean, since you and Marci busted up?

- Oh, well, that's...

No.

- You wanna see a picture of Clayton?

Sure.

- Looks like John the Baptist, doesn't he?

- Very handsome.

Beard, and all.

Well, is he a good guy?

- Yeah.

One of the best.

How 'bout Marci?

Was she pretty?

- Here.

Here's a picture of her.

- Wow.

We've got a couple of terrific hang ups.

No wonder you keep her picture.

She probably keeps you warm on cold nights.

- No.

On cold nights now, I just sit by the fire.

- Hey, they have one in there.

Come on.

What a great room.

- Uh, Clayton.

Oh.

- One day I'm gonna have a private ceremony

and burn this picture.

My mother's Irish, and my father was Italian.

Mother felt that since Marci

wasn't Irish, Italian, or Catholic,

that's why the marriage failed.

To her it was that simple.

What kind of a guy is Clayton?

- Crusader.

Which is okay, I mean, I'm against a lot of things, man.

A lot of things.

But he's gonna get his head busted in,

or he's gonna end up in jail before he's 3o.

Ijust don't dig violence, in any form.

If I'm gonna throw a bomb,

it's gonna be a love bomb.

And if I'm gonna trip out, it's gonna be a love trip.

You know what I mean?

- I think so.

- I still have faith in my fellow human beings,

and so far, I'm right.

- Well, so far.

It's really weird, though.

People are more afraid of love than hate.

And love's so much stronger than hate or violence.

It's just a lot harder to come by.

- I guess that's true.

- What's this?

- A surprise.

Thank you.

- What's it called?

- It's called Irish Coffee.

- You know what I told you about coffee?

- It's just a name.

I mean, a fog cutter doesn't have fog in it, does it?

Give it a try.

- Tastes pretty good.

I think this has booze in it.

- By golly, I think you're right.

- Mm, just take a gulp of that, man.

- Fantastic.

- Do you know what's wrong with this country?

- No, what's wrong with this country?

- No exercise.

People just stuff themselves,

and then they plop down in front of their TV set,

or they just go right off to bed.

- It's a serious national problem, no doubt about it.

- Yeah, people should run, walk,

or jog right after every meal.

- Right.

Right after? - Yeah, right after.

- Oh. - I like to run.

You want to?

- Now? - Yeah, right now.

- Yeah, okay.

- On your mark, get set, go!

- Now, wait, wait!

All right.

Hut, two, three, four!

- Wait, wait!

Wait, wait!

Hold it, hold it.

- Oh!

- Oh, hey, that's really somethin'.

I feel 100% worse than I did when I started.

- Oh, you.

Hey, ljust remembered something.

Well, how could I be so stupid?

I've got a friend who lives here in Santa Fe.

He's got a place here.

- Far out.

- Yeah. - Can we stay with him?

- Well, no.

I mean, yeah.

He left me the key at his store,

and he's away for the holidays.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Said if I was passing through, I could stay at his place.

Imagine, me forgetting a thing like that.

- Imagine.

Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- What are we sittin' here freezin' for?

- I don't know.

I'll pick up the keys and be right back.

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

- I'd like to wish you a very Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year to you, Sir.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Your friend lives here?

GOd!

This is his house?

- Oh, it's just a duplex apartment.

He rents half of it.

- Out of sight.

Bless you.

- What do you expect running around

a parking lot in freezing weather?

It's cold in here.

Come on, I'll start a fire.

. Okay-

Oh, and to think we were sweating out a motel room.

That's really weird.

- Yeah, I can't imagine what I was thinking.

- Gesundheit.

- Gotta get a fire started.

- Look at all the mail this guy gets.

- I'll take care of that, sorry.

Take a look around.

Make yourself at home.

. Okay-

Hey, this guy's very artistic.

I'd like to meet him.

- You would? - Yeah.

Hey, this picture has your name on it.

- This fella's very fond of my work.

All these paintings have your name on 'em.

- Well, he's very fond of my work.

- Joe.

- Sometimes people play games with people.

- You're too much.

You're a different kinda cat.

I swear, I never met anybody like you before.

- Well, that's a vanishing breed.

- You're beautiful.

You really are beautiful.

- Would you believe that nobody ever told me that before?

- Nobody ever told me that either.

Join the club.

Gesundheit.

What are you doin'?

- I'm takin' off your shoes.

- Taking off my shoes?

Do you have any Vicks VapoRub?

- Well, yeah, I think so.

Why?

- I'm gonna give you a foot bath and rub your chest.

- You are? - Yeah, I am.

Well, look, I don't think I got a cold exactly.

It's my sinuses.

After 10 years in New York,

they just can't get used to the shock of clean air.

Bless you.

- Either that, or I'm allergic to that damn Christmas tree.

I never saw a brown Christmas tree before.

Brown, yeah.

Well, it's brown because it's dead.

I bought it the day after Thanksgiving.

- You're kidding.

- It was a lousy Thanksgiving.

I thought it might cheer me up.

This year I was gonna have a really great New Year's.

I was gonna spend it with my old buddy, Charlie McClain.

But I called his ranch in Texas,

and they said he'd gone down to Mexico.

- What kinda guy is Charlie?

- Charlie?

That's a picture of the two of us.

We were in Korea together.

- You didn't kill anybody, did ya?

. Me?

No, no.

I don't think so.

Well, Charlie and I were two

of the biggest goofballs in the whole outfit.

There's never a dull moment when old Charlie's around.

I mean, it's wild.

It's really wild.

One day I'd like you to

meet old Charlie.

- Mr. McClain, this is highly irregular.

- Well, I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year properly.

- Well, you wouldn't want me to lose my job, would you now?

- Oh, of course not.

And don't you worry your sweet little head about it.

Say, how would you like to come

with me and meet my best pal?

- I'm sorry, we're leaving for Albuquerque in 1o minutes.

- Doggone the luck.

He's gonna be awful disappointed.

Well, next time, okay?

- Oh, we'll see.

Now, Happy New Year.

- Yeah, same to you, honey.

Oh!

And put this on my bill, will ya?

Thank you, sweetheart. - Oh!

- Man, does this feel good.

Hey, do you mind ifl wash out a few things?

You do anything you want!

How long have you lived here?

- I just moved out from New York about three months ago.

Why Santa Fe?

- Well, it's beautiful country.

I always wanted to live here.

- You sure dig Indians, don't ya?

- Navajo.

A fantastic people!

And the language is very poetic.

Do you know, they got the same word for hope and love?

Hard rain is masculine rain,

and gentle rain is feminine.

- Hey, that's far out.

You know, I'm a poet.

I write songs and poems.

- I never knew a real poet before!

- That's just about all I have in my suitcase.

- Hey, very nice.

- Thanks for the loan.

- My pleasure.

Oh, very nice.

Very nice.

You should open a clinic.

You're very good at this.

' L Qot to pay for my Supper. don't l?

- Right, right.

Towel, please.

Yes, Ma'am.

- What is that?

- Oh, it's a project of mine.

It's a model of a new type

of city I've been working on.

- Tell me about it.

Well, I believe,

as most of our greater architects do,

that cities are dead and dying

and to just keep building new buildings

on top of the ruins is not the answer.

- So what is the answer?

- Lifestyles and structures

that enhance nature instead of destroying it.

- That's terrific.

Have you told anybody about it?

I mean, I bet the president or the governor

or Congress or somebody would like to hear about it.

- Well, it's not a new or original idea.

I mean, everybody- - Who cares?

It's important, it's necessary.

You gotta promise me you'll do somethin' about it.

- Okay, I promise.

I think somebody made you up.

- You know, for a backward cat,

you say a lot of heavy things.

Joe? . Hm?

- Let's have a ceremony.

- What ceremony?

- Burn our photographs.

- Good idea.

- Goodbye, Clayton.

- Goodbye, Marci.

Nine years, up in smoke.

- What are you doin' New Years Eve?

- Nothing.

What are you doing?

- I'd like to stay here and spend it with you.

- You know what? - What?

- I'm gonna start picking up lady hitchhikers regularly.

- Joe, when I said I wanted to stay here with ya,

I meant with you.

I just wanna make that clear because-

- I know, I know, I'm a little slow

and we'd waste an awful lot of time.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I need ya.

Idig you.

I think you dig me.

- I dig you a lot.

- The saddest thing is to wake up and there's nobody.

- Yeah.

- So we'll just spend a couple

of lovely days and nights together and then I'll split.

. Okay-

- You're not sure?

- No no, I'm sure.

- Good.

Now, I'm gonna go upstairs and get on some clothes

and get some things for breakfast.

Is that little market open?

- Yeah, till midnight.

Look, I can go!

Uh uh!

But I'll need some bread for groceries!

- Bread for groceries?

Right.

Bread!

Bread for groceries, right.

- I'm gonna fix you a breakfast you'll never forget!

- Hey!

Don't you run out on me.

. Dqrft worry.

- Remember, I've got your suitcase,

with all your paperbacks and your poems.

I'll be damned.

I'll be damned.

- My, that's sure pretty.

You people sure know how to decorate a town.

- Gracias, Sefior.

- I want to take a bath.

I'm gonna take a bath.

Wood.

Charlie?

- You old son of a gun!

Oh boy, it's good to see ya!

It's really good to see ya!

- Yeah, Charlie- - I come in

on a champagne flight.

I come all the way from Mexico

to celebrate New Year's Eve with ya!

Charlie!

- Well, I surprised the fire out of you, didn't I?

- Yeah, you sure did.

You certainly have.

- Hey, don't you smell purty.

- Yeah, well, I-

- You wasn't expectin' me, was ya?

- No, as a matter of fact, I wasn't, you old Texas rat.

Charlie- - Boy, you're lookin' good.

You know that?

You are lookin' good!

- Yeah, well, why didn't you give me a call,

let me know you were comin'?

- What?

Waste good money on phone calls

when you could spend it on booze and women?

You gotta be kiddin'!

Hey, look at this place you got here.

You livin' out here like a high doggone, Son.

Look at all them candles.

What you havin' here, an Irish wake?

- Charlie, there's somethin' I got to tell you.

- Excuse me a minute.

Hey!

Salvador!

Mi amigo's in la casa.

So bring in those bags muy pronto!

Si, Sefior!

I got all the bags!

- Hey, Charlie-

- And don't rupture yourself, Son!

Bring 'em in one at a time!

- No, wait a minute.

Charlie, I got to explain somethin' to ya.

- What's that? - What, what, what?

- Sounds like Niagara Falls.

- Niagara...

Oh, good grief.

. Qh!

- Charlie-

- You old rapscallion, you.

You got a little dolly here somewhere, haven't you?

Where you got her hid, boy?

- Now, look, she went to the market.

Charlie- - Oh my goodness,

she must be gettin' awful cold

without her little things on.

- Charlie, it's not the way you think.

Tiny little rascal, ain't she?

- Yeah, but Charlie, it's not the way you think.

- Well, listen, I'm as happy as a clam about it.

And I'm not gonna get in the way, either.

I'll just sneak out to the picture show

or someplace soon as she turns up.

Hey, Sefior!

I got all these bags!

- Oh, the bags.

Charlie!

- Hey, Salvador, you're liable to sprain something, Son!

- Not very big, but I'm very strong.

- Just put those bags down there anywhere, boy.

- You know what, Charlie, wait, please.

- Hey, Salvador, I'd like you to meet mi compadre here.

Jose Maroni.

Joe, this is Salvador Rodriguez.

- Very nice to meet you. - He drove me

all the way here from the airport.

- Very good. Thank you, Salvador.

Charlie, just- - Salvador,

this is mi amigo grande, Jose Maroni.

- Very pleased.

- Very pleased to meet you, Salvador.

Charlie, will you listen to me, please?

- Hey, sit down there, boy.

Take a load off your feet and have some of this champagne.

- No, Charlie...

Fellas, wait a minute. - Hey, gracias.

You're really nice fellas.

- Charlie, will you listen to me for just a second?

- Now, look, you've got to clear out

of here with all this stuff and your friend, too.

It's nothing personal, Salvador.

And you too, Charlie.

You got to clear out right now.

- Look, I already told ya, I'm gonna clear out

and then I'll sneak back in here, quiet as a little mouse

and I'll crash out on the couch up there.

- No, Charlie, Charlie, that's not gonna work.

- Look, if you think I'm goin' back out

in this Blue Norther, boy, you're crazy.

- That's exactly what

you're going to have to do. - Hey, I don't get this.

I don't get this at all.

Do I send you to a hotel

when you come down home to visit me, huh?

- No, no, Charlie.

And I'm just as sorry as I could be.

But this is a very special thing, Charlie,

and I'll explain it all later.

- Well, I'm not gonna interfere.

Shucks, maybe she's got a girlfriend she can fix me up with.

I'm human too, you know?

Right, Salvador?

Hey, very nice fellas.

- Gracias, amigo, gracias.

- Charlie, will you pay attention, please?

Now, this is not some broad coming up here.

Charlie, this is a very lovely,

a very sweet, a very young girl.

And you're gonna louse up the whole deal

unless you leave right now.

- Hey, wait a minute.

You haven't gone and fallen in love with somebody, have you?

- Oh, no, Charlie.

- You just got yourself out of nine years of bondage, boy.

Stay out!

- Right, Charlie, you don't know the girl.

You don't know the situation.

- I don't have to know the girl or the-

- Charlie, listen to me!

Please! - Will you stop that?

You're giving me a headache.

- Charlie.

I picked this girl up on the highway a few hours ago.

She's a hippie, hitchhiker.

You're puttin' me on.

No, no, I'm not.

You picked up a hippie hitchhiker?

I don't believe it.

- Well, it's true.

Okay , I'm a little desperate, huh?

Well look, Charlie, I been without a woman for three months.

- Oh, you poor boy! - Yeah.

- No wonder you're lookin' so wall eyed and jumpy.

Well-

- You think she's a sure thing?

- Sure thing?

Sure, she's a sure thing.

Charlie, she already asked me.

- She asked you? - Sure!

- Well, man, you got yourself a real hot number!

That's right, a real hot number!

Now, Charlie, will you clear out

and just give me a call a little later.

- Oh, come on, Salvador.

Let's vamanos, boy.

Come on.

Hi, honey.

Joe was just tellin' me some lovely things about ya.

- I heard.

- Ginger, this is my old buddy, Charlie.

- I know.

- Ginger, this is Salvador Rodriguez.

Let me take those things.

- Honey, Salvador and me's just goin'.

I'm stayin' over here at the hotel.

Then Why'd Yo" bring your bags up?

' MY bags?

Oh, oh, oh, my bags.

Well, I almost forgot.

I brought Joe and you too, honey,

some fresh homemade country smoked deer meat sausage.

I can't wait for y'all to see these sausages.

- Why don't you just pay the driver, Charlie?

- What about my hotel?

- Why don't you just pay the driver and let him split?

- There's about half a dozen ways out of this situation

and we didn't seem to hit on a-one of them.

- If you'll wait a minute,

you can drop me at the bus station.

- Ginger-

- Here's your change and thanks for the ride.

- Now you see what you've done?

- Look, I'll fix this up in no time.

- Oh, you already fixed it.

If she leaves here because of you, old buddy, that's it.

We're through.

Kaput, finished, count on it.

- Hold this.

Salvador?

You got to split, old buddy.

Hey, Sefior, but the sefiorita.

- Nevermind the sefiorita.

I'll explain it to you later.

- You keep the champagne.

It's a present. - Gracias.

Happy New Year!

- Yeah, Happy New Year to you too.

- No, it's your fault. - Shh, shh.

Where's the cab driver?

Oh, he had to split, honey.

He was double parked.

- Thanks a lot, then I'll just walk.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Now, wait.

Look, honey.

This is all my fault.

- No it's not, it's my fault.

I asked for it.

- Ginger, wait, I...

I don't know what you heard, but I promise you-

- Promise me what?

That you'll take something beautiful and make it ugly?

A sure thing you picked up on the road?

A hot number?

- Now see what you've done?

- Don't blame him.

It's you.

You just stood there.

At least Charlie tried.

You tried and he had to lie.

I won't forget that, Charlie.

- Oh, honey, what are friends for?

- This is absolutely ridiculous.

I don't believe it.

- This is all gonna come out in the wash.

- Charlie, will you knock it off?

Now, you've done enough damage for one day.

- What do you keep yellin' at Charlie for?

Does it help anything to keep yellin' at him?

- She's right, Joe.

I'm just a victim of circumstance.

' YOu?

Now, wait a minute! I'm the victim.

I'm already convicted.

I didn't even get a trial.

- Why did you have to saw all those awful things?

- Because I was desperate.

Because it's the only kind of language this

drunken bum understands.

- Well, now, that hurt, boy.

That really did.

- Did you know that today

was the most beautiful day of my whole life?

I believed you.

And to think that all I was to you was just a little...

- Oh my God.

- Look, I just met you.

But from what Joe tells me,

and from what I can see with my very own eyes,

I know you're just the sweetest,

most decent kind of a little girl

that any lucky man would ever hope to meet.

- Thank you.

That's very sweet.

- It's incredible.

- Shh.

- Now, everything is gonna be hunky dory.

Just remember, I'm part of the family.

And the thing that you think is so awful now

is gonna seem just like angel food cake tomorrow morning.

- Everything is ruined.

- No, no, now it's not.

Now, look, you just go in the bedroom there,

and you go to bed.

And Joe and me are gonna stay out here.

Aren't we, Joe?

We all gonna sleep on this thing

and tomorrow it's gonna turn out just fine.

- Got to go.

- Joe, ask her nice, to stay.

- Ginger, please stay?

Please.

- Come on, honey.

- I'll stay if you'll stay, Charlie.

- Well, if that's what you want.

- And don't worry.

I won't contaminate your bed.

I'll sleep on the floor.

- That is the silliest damn thing I've ever heard!

- Easy, boy, now, easy.

Now, you just go on in there to sleepy bye.

. Dqrft worry.

I'll leave first thing in the mornin'.

- No, Sir.

Tomorrow we gonna just love each other to pieces

and bring in that baby New Year.

- You really are a groovy guy, Charlie.

- Tomorrow, when I'm sober,

you won't be able to stand me.

Not a chance.

- Goodnight, honey.

- Goodnight.

- Psst.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Everything is possible through faith.

- Is your insurance paid up?

- Well, now, that's gratitude for ya.

I just averted a disaster here, there's no justice.

- Charlie, are you plannin' to flop here indefinitely?

- You know you're just a bundle of nerves.

- Answer the question.

- I forgot what it was.

- Are you going or aren't you?

- Well, I don't see how I can.

I promised that sweet little thing in there I'd stay.

I can't leave for your sake.

- Charlie, old buddy, our friendship has survived

some incredible tests over the years.

But this one, this one tops them all.

And I swear, I'm gonna get you for this

if it's the last thing I ever do.

- You're just disappointed.

That's why you're sayin' ugly things you don't mean.

What is this thing?

- What the hell does it look like?

It's a Christmas tree.

- Well, it's not anymore.

It's now an incendiary bomb.

- Charlie, will you get out of here

so I can think up a way to clear up this mess?

- You better just cool it for awhile, old buddy.

- What a mess.

What a ridiculous mess.

- If it'll make you feel any better,

I'll tell you some of my problems.

- Oh, Charlie.

- It always makes me feel a whole lot better

to find out somebody else is in worse shape than I am.

You want to know how I spent my Christmas?

- Not particularly.

- I spent my Christmas all alone with just my old dog

and a couple of drunk cowboys.

Santa Clause didn't bring me nothin'

but a big old sack of heartache.

- Charlie-

- Maybe I wasn't a model husband, Joe.

I'll admit that.

But I was a durn good father.

And I love those kids, Joe, and I miss 'em.

Shucks, on cold winter nights like this,

I even miss old Sugar.

- Oh my God.

- You don't care what's happenin' to me, do ya?

- Charlie, will you please go so I can think?

- Joe, I think it's high time

I told you about my discovery.

- Your discovery?

- Do you know what least 85% of the joy derived from sex is?

Now, look, I figured this out all by myself.

But I am certain that science will bear me out.

85% of the joy derived from sex

is nothing in the world but anticipation.

- Jesus!

- Now, don't you realize that the longer

you prolong this thing,

the finer it's gonna be when it finally happens?

- Charlie, I'm warning you, go to a hotel now.

- You know, actually, I'm a blessin' in disguise.

- Well, if you weren't drunk, I'd clobber you.

- Do you honestly believe

that this temporary little setback

with that precious little thing in there

is gonna end your romance?

Why, no, boy.

- Charlie- - It's just gonna

make it all better.

- Charlie- - Because anticipation

is goin' right to work.

- I don't believe this.

I don't believe it.

- Look, don't you realize

that she's all curled up in there right now, in your bed,

just throbbin' and pulsatin'

with love for you? - I'm warnin' you, Charlie,

that's enough.

- I just tingle all over when I think about it.

- I'm warnin' you, Charlie.

- Do you think all this powerful love is goin' to waste?

. Why, no, boy!

It's just gettin' all stored up minute

by minute and hour by hour.

- Charlie, I'm warning you-

- Just building a growing and warmin' and throbbin'.

- Charlie- - And when y'all finally

do get together, powee!

Whoopee, yoo-hoo! - That's it!

You bastard.

. ow!

- What's goin' on?

Are y'all tryin' to kill each other?

- Charlie, why?

Why did you have to come here now, of all times?

- Don't you know, boy?

I'm lonely.

I just had to be with somebody

on New Year's Eve who cares about me.

- Charlie.

Texas International, Flight 57,

now arriving, Gate 5A.

- Mornin', buddy.

- Mornin'.

Hello?

Joe?

Yeah.

- Hey, Joe.

Sugar here.

- Well, hello.

Hey, this is a surprise.

Where are ya?

- Albuquerque.

I got a half-hour layover here so I thought I'd just call

and wish you a Happy New Year.

- Well, a Happy New Year to you too.

- Kids and I were in Honolulu for Christmas

and I sent them on ahead to stay

with mother in Dallas for a few days.

And hey, well, Joe, darlin', how are ya?

I missed you.

- Oh, and I've missed you too honey.

Say, have you heard from our old friend lately?

- If you mean my darlin' ex,

the wanderin' mud king, no.

He hasn't paid his child support in over five months.

I'd sure like to lay my hands on him.

- You know, it's funny you should say that.

It's funny you should say that.

- Charles is there with you?

- That's right.

Look, honey, would you hold on for just a second?

I'm gonna take this in the other room.

Don't hang up.

- Who's that? - An old friend.

- I wonder who that was.

- I hope it was a girl.

Heard him call somebody honey.

- After breakfast, I better split.

- Nothin' doin'.

You're not goin' anywhere.

- I'll see you later. - Hey, where you goin'?

- Oh, out for a little while.

- Well, wait a minute.

That's not very hospitable.

You got company here.

- Well, you two seem to get along just fine.

- I won't be here when you get back.

So goodbye.

- Now, wait a minute.

We got a date tonight.

Regardless of how you feel about me,

you gotta keep it.

I mean, fair is fair.

- Well, what about me?

Somebody's got to fix me up with somebody.

- I'm workin' on that right now, old buddy.

As a matter of fact,

I may have you fixed up with one

of those real hot numbers you like.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Here's a little souvenir from the islands.

- Oh, thank you, Ma'am.

Oh, Sugar, I can't tell you

how much I appreciate you doing this.

- Are you kiddin'?

After what that so-and-so's done to me,

I wouldn't miss a chance like this

for all the leis in Honolulu.

- You're one heck of a fine cook, honey.

You know that?

If I was around you for long,

I'd be as big as a barn.

- You really like it?

- Mm hm.

But you didn't eat nothin', hardly.

- Well, I'm not very hungry.

- Oh, darlin', don't you know that things

between men and women never end abruptly like this?

They just usually fizzle out.

What's on your mind, honey?

- Well, I got to tell somebody.

- Well, I'm somebody.

- I'm gonna have a baby.

- Oh.

- How is he, Joe?

Still drinking?

- Well, he's uh...

Yeah, he's still drinking.

- Well, if you left him with this girl you picked up,

all I can say is lots of luck.

- Oh come on, Sugar.

Now, Charlie's got his bad points

but he wouldn't try anything like that.

- Want to put some money on it?

- No.

- Are you serious?

- Absolutely.

If things don't work out between you and Joe,

I'll marry you and give

that little shaver of yours a good name.

- You're crazy.

You don't even know me.

- You're an exceptionally fine little woman.

And I don't care if the kid is mine or not.

A kid is a kid.

- That's far out, Charlie.

But I guess ljust better go this alone.

And don't say anything to Joe about it, okay?

- You're somethin' else, you know that?

- Charlie, let's make tonight special, okay?

- How come?

- I don't know.

It's just important to me.

- Whatever you say, kid.

- Gimme five.

- Hey, Charlie.

Here's that red-hot number I promised you.

- Hello, Charlie.

- Well now, how about that?

Isn't this a lovely surprise?

- Good evening, Russell. - Oh, Mr. Maroni,

I have your table right here, Sir.

- Good.

- Excuse me, Sir. - Mm hm.

- Thank you, Russell.

Well, what would everybody like to drink?

- Well, it's New Year's Eve.

Let's celebrate.

A whole bottle of champagne.

Waiter, a whole Mag-um.

- Why don't you stick with what

you've been drinking, Charlie?

And it's pronounced Mag-num.

- I don't care if it's pronounced Boxcar.

We want the biggest bottle you got.

- Yes, Sir.

- For a man who was dying of loneliness

less than two hours ago,

you've made a remarkable recovery, Charlie.

- Well, why not?

Being reunited with my darling Sugar

and meetin' little Ginger here,

and discovering that my best pal

has this delightful sadistic streak,

that's enough to rekindle the spirits of any man.

- Paper hats?

- Oh my, what fun.

- Charlie, since you're the mud king,

you get to wear the crown.

- You know it, baby.

And Diamond Lil, here's a little dunce cap for you, darlin'.

- Thank you, darling.

Your thoughtful nature is something I've really missed.

- Have you now?

You're looking good, Sugar, baby.

You've put on a little weight, didn't you, honey?

That Italian boyfriend of yours

must be feedin' you lots of spaghetti

and macaroni and stuff.

- How did you know about him?

- Oh, society columns.

That's the way I keep up with you and my kids these days.

- Why don't we dance?

- Oh, let's see if Charlie can stand up first.

- Oh, no, wait!

Let's have a champagne first.

Hey, wait, let me do this.

I'm an expert at this.

You got to watch out, though.

There's the thing.

Ow!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Saludos, amigos!

9h, Happy New Year!

That's a little toast here.

- Happy New vean - Captain?

' Sir?

I'd like to buy a round

of mariachis for the margarita band.

They look parched.

- Yes, Sir. - God love ya.

- Ginger, would you like to dance?

Sure.

- Mm.

Oh, well, oh, hey!

Sugar, baby, shall we trip the light fantastic?

- We shall trip, I can promise you that.

- Oh, you are a darling thing, aren't you?

Come on.

Oops, watch that.

- You're not mad anymore?

- No, I don't stay mad long.

- I'm sorry the way things...

And if Charlie hadn't arrived, maybe...

- I'm glad he did.

I learned some things.

- Ginger, you know I didn't mean what I said.

Or even what you thought I might have said.

- Tonight's a fun night, okay?

Tomorrow I'll split, no problems.

- You feel mighty good, Sugar, baby.

Mighty good.

- Do I? - Mm hm.

- How can you tell the difference

between all us girls, anyway?

- Oh, I can tell.

How's little Joe, Peggy Sue?

- They're fine.

They had a nice Christmas.

They loved your presents.

- Good.

Good.

Tell me about your dress designer.

- That's really none of your business, Charlie.

- Oh, I think it is,

if he's gonna be my kids' new daddy.

- Where'd you hear that?

- Gossip columns.

- Well, I really don't care to discuss it.

- Well, I think we better.

If he's gonna try to fill my shoes, I think we better.

- Charlie, let's sit down before you fall down.

I'll tell you what, let's change partners.

I wanna dance, come on.

Excuse me.

- Hey!

That's swell!

Woo!

- Anyhow, anyhow, I could sell out and have

a little money left to go in on a ranch down in Sonora.

And I want you to come in with me.

- A ranch? - Yeah.

- Hell, Charlie, I don't know one end

of a cow from the other.

- Oh, Joe, you learn ranchin' in no time

and it's beautiful down there, man.

It's wild and beautiful.

We could live like kings down there.

- Charlie's a barrel of laughs, huh?

- Well, you just try living with a barrel of laughs, honey.

- I'm still in the mud business anyway

and I'm movin' to Mexico.

- You're not sellin' anything, buster.

Half that company belongs to me.

- Well, listen, we better get out fast

before you end up with a big old half of nothin'.

- You're drunk, Charlie.

You don't know what you're talkin' about.

- Well, why don't you just come and take

a look at the books, Mamacita?

- You watch your language!

- What'd I say? I didn't say nothing.

- Look, we're trying to have a party, okay?

- I'm having fun.

Hey, man, will you pour me another glass of champagne?

- Oh, she's had enough, Charlie.

- Oh, give the little lady a drink!

- And why don't you go to the restroom, wash your face,

and comb your hair?

You look like the wild man from Borneo.

- And why don't you go on a diet?

You look like a fat lady in a sideshow.

- Oh my goat!

My leg is broke!

- Oh! - Charlie-

- I think she broke my doggone leg.

Oh! - Mr. Maroni...

- Mr. Maroni... - Ginger get your wrap, will you?

- Mr. Maroni,

- Yes, I know, we're going.

- I hate to say this,

but I'm afraid you and your people

are going to have to take a more secluded table.

- Just bring us the check, please.

- That won't be necessary.

I'll mail it to you.

- Thank you.

- We got to get a doctor. - Come on, Charlie.

- Thank you, Russell, thank you.

- Well, I don't care if I am crippled.

I'm clearing out and I'm going to Mexico.

- You can go to Timbuktu as far as I'm concerned,

but you're not sellin' the mud business.

- Well, this is the first time I've ever been

kicked out of a restaurant.

- Falling-down drunk. - Falling-down drunk?

I was kicked over!

- And you have turned into an alcoholic.

- Oh, shut up!

I divorced you to stop you from buggin' me,

so stop buggin' me!

- This is turning out to be one of the truly

great New Year's Eve parties.

- Pay up! - No I am not.

Not a nickel till I can see my kids

any time I want to see 'em!

- That's not what the judge said.

- You know what you can do with the judge, honey!

You don't need my money!

It's spite!

Pure spite!

That's all it is!

- You have a responsibility, Charlie.

They are your kids!

- They are not my kids!

Not anymore and the next time your old lady

or that precious daddy of yours

won't let me see 'em, I'm gonna kidnap 'em.

You just try that,

and I'll have you put away so far,

they'll have to feed you with a bean shooter.

- To one helluva party. You invited her!

I didn't!

- Well, I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.

- Well, good cause I don't want to talk about it either.

- Why aren't you out at some cheap honky-tonk

with one of your car hops or your cocktail waitresses?

- Any car hop I know is a better woman

than you are, sweetheart!

- Male menopause, that's what's the matter with you.

No other woman ever locked me

out of her bedroom but you, sweetheart.

- Oh!

Well, that's because they were cheap and I had pride.

I wasn't about to compete

with every ticky-tail car hop in the whole country.

I gave you 10 wonderful years!

- No, you gave me about two, actually.

Then you went frigid on me.

- There are no frigid women, Charles,

only clumsy, selfish men.

- Did your psychiatrist tell you that?

- You caused me to go to one.

You did it, with all you're catting around.

- Oh, bull, bull, bull!

I never catted around!

You locked me out.

- Lie, lie, lie!

- Using your sex like a door prize.

If I didn't jump every time you said, jump,

hit the lock, baby.

O-U-T, out.

- That is a bald-faced lie.

- No, it ain't!

Other things become more important to you than me.

Your social work, your political causes, activities!

You didn't have time for me!

You stopped being a woman and turned into a machine!

Well, when you did, you turned me out to pasture, honey!

Well, I pastured.

Let me tell you, I pastured!

I hate you.

- I hope everybody's having a good time.

- And I hope you rot in hell.

- Well, I ain't.

Not just yet anyway.

'Cause I'm goin' to Mexico.

And if Joe doesn't marry little Ginger here,

I will, and give that little

shaver of hers a good name

and teach him to grow up like a man!

That's what I'm gonna do!

- Little shaver?

- Charlie.

- Sorry, honey.

You were gonna find out sooner or later anyhow.

You promised.

- What little shaver is he talking about?

- I'm gonna have a baby

in about seven-and-a-half months.

- You're a surprise a minute, aren't you?

You know who the father is?

- Yes.

- That fella we cremated yesterday?

Yes.

- Does he know the child is his?

- Yes.

He doesn't want children.

He doesn't think a child should be subjected

to the world the way it is today.

- Oh, he doesn't?

Well, then he should be celibate, don't you think?

Or maybe let you know about the pill?

- I know about the pill.

I want this baby.

- What about a father?

Or are you in the market for one, is that it?

I mean, you're gonna just keep sleeping

with strange men until you find someone who-

- Oh, come on, honey, let's go to the hotel.

We don't have to stay here to be insulted.

- How can you be so dumb?

- Yeah, you're right.

It's not every day I pick up a pregnant hitchhiker.

- Thanks for the swell party, fellas.

And tomorrow, if I don't get my child support,

I report you to the judge!

Good riddance, you old bitch!

- Pregnant.

- Stupid broad.

- Pregnant!

- Dumb broad.

Happy New Year, Charlie.

- Happy New Year, Joe.

- Come on, let's go out and have ourselves some fun.

- No, Charlie, I don't feel much like it.

- Well, we're out of booze.

What kind of New Years we gonna have

if we don't get some more booze?

- Oh, come on.

Let's go out and have ourselves some fun,

even if it kills us.

Why not?

- Ah! - That's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

- Fantastic.

Very pretty.

Very pretty.

- Beautiful. - Joe?

Joe? - Yeah?

- Do you know what old Lot said to his wife

when he looked back and saw

that she had turned into a pillar of salt?

- No, what did old Lot say about his wife's salt?

He said, "Honey, I sure hate to tell you this,

but you have turned into a pillar of salt."

- That's a joke?

- That's it.

Oh my goodness, look at the bell!

Somebody forgot to decorate the bell!

- Oh, that's terrible.

Awful. - Well, hey, it is.

Let's decorate it for them.

Want to? - No, no.

- No, come on, let's do it.

Get a little nearer here.

- No nearer.

Stay there. - Come on,

get a little nearer.

Ah.

- Got one? - Got it.

- All right, put yours over there

and I'll put mine up yonder.

Here, Sir, could you hold this for me, please?

Thank you-

Some women like old Sugar,

should be belted every now and then.

- Who you think you're kiddin'?

Sugar is tougher,

meaner, than you and me put together.

You never laid a hand on her.

- I did so.

I knocked the fire out of her once.

- What'd you hit her with?

- That, old buddy.

Right smack on the jaw.

She saw stars for a week.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

She danced around, yellin' like a banshee.

You'd thought I'd killed her.

It was lovely.

- What'd she do then? - Huh?

- What'd she do then? - Oh.

Well, she naturally hit me back.

- What'd she hit you with?

- A golf club.

- Golf club?

- A number nine iron.

Right across the top of my head.

She almost fractured my dad-blamed skull.

I don't see why it's so doggone funny.

Took seven stitches in my scalp.

Look at that.

Would you look at that?

You came that close to losing

the best pal you ever had.

- Ma'am, look.

Look at those boys over there.

They're drinkin' the liquor in this park.

- Oh.

- Now, that's against the law.

- God bless America!

Help us and save us.

- Amen.

- Uh oh. - Hm?

Here come the fuzz.

- Here come the fuzz.

- Here come the fuzz.

- Here come the fuzz!

- All right, stop right there,

in the name of the law.

Now, get your hands up.

Come on, get 'em up a little higher.

- Everett, Everett!

Put that dad-blamed gun away.

Why don't you go over yonder

and straighten out them luminarias?

I'll handle this.

All right, boys.

- Officer, this may not seem

to appear what it is underneath.

- No way, you see.

I think that you boys

better come along with me.

- Woo.

- Shh.

You tryin' to wake up everybody in town?

No, Sir.

- You boys sure had it rough.

I'm just sorry that I had to spoil your fun.

Why, I'd be the last person in the world

to throw a couple of war veterans

in jail on New Year's Eve.

- It's all right, Captain.

You were just doing your job.

- We haven't seen each other since the prison camp in Korea.

- Yeah.

I just got over my amnesia and they sent me off to Vietnam.

- I sure feel sorry for you fellas.

You sure had it rough.

- Well- - Yes, we have.

Would you like to see where I got it in the leg?

- That's terrible, Captain.

You don't want to see it. - Oh, no thanks.

No thanks.

I'm just sorry that I had

to do what I had to do, that's all.

- It's all right, Sir.

- You're just like us.

Duty comes first.

- Duty first, Captain.

- Look, boys, will you do me a favor?

Yes, Sir.

- Just stay inside, huh? - Yes, Sir.

- Captain.

- You know who I really miss?

' Who?

- Les Paul and Mary Ford.

- Pregnant.

Pregnant.

The world's becoming feminized.

- Right.

- Right.

- Men have got to take over,

stop this pussy footin' around.

- Right.

- Damn! - Hm?

- I got an idea.

- What?

- Let's go out in the streets

and get this whole movement started.

- Right.

Shake the complacent bastards into action.

" Right!

But first let's get something to eat.

I'm starved.

- My head hurts.

Huevos rancheros.

That's what you need.

Fix you right up.

Oh, God, I hope so.

Come on.

Coffee gives you wrinkles

Hm?

- Wrinkles.

- Wrinkles?

- Mm hm, it's a fact.

- Hm.

Hey,

Joe,

you can't eat that without hot sauce, boy.

Here.

Whoa.

That'll fix you right up there.

Ain't it good?

Mm.

You know the trouble with that?

We're like the old boll weevil,

just lookin' for a home.

Mm.

Ah.

My dad built up a business

from scratch, from nothing.

Since he's been gone,

I just watched it dwindle away.

My old man was a shoemaker.

He had a little shop.

- You know, one time, I asked him, I said,

"Pop, what do you want in the whole wide world?"

You know what he said?

He looked me right in the eye and he said,

"Joseph, I want to make a fine pair of shoes."

Man, ain't that somethin'?

Isn't that beautiful?

I mean, he knew.

That's all he really wanted.

- I know.

Oh, I know.

Boy, my dad was about 10 feet tall to me.

I mean, when I was a kid,

it always seemed to me he lived

in a giant world among giant men

and giant machinery.

Never knew how to show his affection to me.

Anyway, he took me on this deer hunt.

With some oil men, some cronies of his.

I never told you about this.

We was down near Bandera

and staying one cold autumn morning when all of a sudden,

this 10-point buckjumps up.

He's about...

Oh, about 150 yards off.

My dad motioned that I should take him.

Well, I shot him.

At first, I thought I'd missed him.

He run like hell about 50 yards and then he dropped.

- Hm.

- I shot him right through the heart.

Well, my dad was pretty excited, I'll tell you.

He kept yellin', "Great shot!

Great shot, boy!"

Later, he's watchin' me skin this old buck.

I was lookin' into the big brown eyes

of this deer that'd run 50 yards

with a 0.30-caliber bullet through his heart,

and thinkin' how much grander

and more beautiful he was than me.

- Hm.

- And all of a sudden, I felt my dad's hand on my shoulder.

And I looked up.

He had great big old tears in his eyes.

He was just bustin' with pride and joy.

I never seen him like that before.

Well, Joe, I don't deer hunt no more.

Three weeks later, my dad was dead.

He dropped dead right up

on the derrick floor of an oil well,

right up there where he'd spent all his life.

Maybe I let him down.

I don't know, I guess I have.

I just hope, though, that he'd understand.

There I go , bawlin' again.

- Well...

Damn.

- Come on, old son.

Let's take a drive up in the mountains, huh?

. Okay-

- Listen, kid, you're the one who's pregnant, not I.

- Sugar, you're in worse shape than all of us.

You're a divorced woman with two kids

and you're still in love with your ex-husband.

And you're miserable.

- Well.

Okay.

Let's assume that I'd take him back.

Now, just assume, mind you.

- Stop assuming.

Stop playing games.

If you want him back, you can get him back.

- Just how do I got about doing that?

- Help him.

Don't buck him.

Forget your pride.

Take him in your arms and tell him you dig him.

Cry if you have to.

Get down on your knees.

Tell him you're all the awful things he says you are.

Be honest.

- You've got to be kidding.

- Well, I don't know how it was with you,

when you and Sugar split up but boy,

I can't make another mistake like that.

I just couldn't take it.

- I know, I know.

- This girl, she's...

Charlie, she's really got to me in a different,

in a wild kind of way.

Oh, I don't know if it's 'cause I'm on a rebound from Marci,

or lonely or- - Horny?

- Yeah, horny.

Can't get her out of my head.

- I know.

She's a very special kind of a little person.

- Oh, she is, Charlie.

She is.

Man, I don't know if I can handle it.

Pregnant.

- I wish I could help you, Joe.

I really do. - Yeah, sure do too.

Hey , look at those kids out there.

Little rascals.

- Yeah.

- Hey, let's go down there and challenge 'em, huh?

Show 'em what real war's all about.

Want to? - Oh, I don't know.

- Oh, come on, let's go.

Come on.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Hey.

Hey, kids?

You want to have a fight with us?

We gonna challenge you to a fight, okay?

All you kids against us, okay?

Okay-

okay?

Listen!

Wait a minute!

We got to get some ammunition.

Joe?

- Sure. - You all right?

Listen!

Get over there!

We'll get some snowballs here, okay?

Okay.

Wait a minute!

Get you little buggers!

You little rascals!

Got you, bugger!

Steady!

Charge!

- Everett!

Come back here.

Leave your gun alone.

Why don't you stay with the car?

I'll handle this.

- GO get 'em!

' Chafge!

- Hold it!

' Chafge!

- Oh, buddy.

I think we lost that war.

I think we did.

- Officer, we'd like to report a mugging.

- Charlie?

- Look who's here.

- You invite those people?

Got to be the wrong house.

- Must be.

- I gotta talk to you.

- Charlie, I uh, um,

been doing some uh, thinking about uh, us.

And uh, well, I...

I'm willing to discuss our situation, if you are.

- What you got up your sleeve?

- Oh, nothing.

It's just that uh, well, we were partners once.

And I thought we could, uh,

well, uh, have a meeting of the board, huh?

Come on.

The only time your wife invites

you in the bedroom these days

is for business conference.

Hell, I can't even take care of myself.

- I didn't ask you to marry me.

I just asked you to love me.

- Charlie? - Hm?

- Charlie? - Hm?

- Charlie,

I've been a horrible, spoiled selfish bitch

and I want you to forgive me and take me back.

- You know I picked you up for just one reason.

- Wanting someone isn't wrong or evil.

- My darling, I'll be so good to you

if you take me back.

I'll never, never, never lock you out again.

And you'll be too tired from loving me

to even think of another woman.

Oh, Charlie, please, take me back.

Oh, please!

- Oh, I wish I had a witness to this.

Sugar, honey, get up from there.

What if somebody came in?

- Do you love me even a little bit?

- Oh, darling, you know I do.

I never loved all those other gals.

I just- - Oh, no, no,

don't talk about it ever.

- I never loved anybody but you.

Look at the ring.

I never took that ring off.

Oh, Charlie.

Do you think I'm fat?

- Oh, no, honey, you're just-

- Do you still desire me?

- Oh, you know I do.

- Well, I love you.

Mm.

Passionately.

And I desire you passionately.

And I only wish that I could prove it.

Oh darling, I do, I do.

- You can, you can!

- Uh, sweetheart, uh, not now.

Uh wait, wait!

- I can't, I can't!

- Oh! Charlie!

- I don't believe in free love.

I mean, love's not free.

You have to earn it, work for it, pay for it.

I believe in God.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage.

I believe in work, all the things you people seem to hate.

- You don't know what I hate.

I'm not a category.

I'm me.

And you're not a category either.

- I'm only sure of one thing.

I don't want to hurt you.

But I just don't know if I can handle

you having someone else's child like this.

- I don't know if you can handle anything at all.

- Well, kids, I've decided to take old Sugar back.

Yeah , well, let's say, we both decided.

- Congratulations.

- Joe, boy, I've called a cab.

We're gonna clear out of here

and let you two get acquainted.

I gotta split too.

- Hey, what you trying to do, make me feel bad?

- Can you give me a lift to the bus station?

- Well, sure, but-

- Hey, Joe, why don't you take her, huh?

- Well, I'd like to, Sugar, but-

- Hey, listen you two.

If we can work things out after all we've been through,

you all should at least get a decent start.

- Great!

- I stayed for the party.

The party's over.

Look, if you two are gonna get married again,

I'd be glad to be your best man.

- Well, why not?

You're still my best friend.

- No, I'm not. - Hm?

- I'm your only friend.

- Yeah.

- But think how lucky we are.

At least we got one friend.

Bye.

You take care now.

- You bet. - Okay.

. Sugar?

- Bye, Josephus.

We'll be in touch, huh?

- Sure, sure.

Bye.

Ginger, I'd be glad to drive you to the station.

- Why?

- When somethin's over, it's over.

I'm not good enough for ya.

- I never said that.

' Okay!

So you're uptight.

Well, who isn't?

So you need some time to get your head together.

Fine.

But if you ever want to build one

of those wonderful new cities

or shake the world up at all,

make it a better place for kids and people and stuff,

then you just got to get it on.

And the same thing goes for me.

If you don't want to get involved with me, okay.

But do yourself a favor.

The next time somebody comes along

and offers herself to ya, you better take her

'cause you need somebody bad.

You know what hurt the most?

You never even asked to read one of my poems.

- You all right, kid?

"You're a good man, Joe Maroni.

And I'm a lucky girl."

- Hello?

Joe?

What in the world's the matter with you, boy?

We left that sweet little old girl standin'

down there in front of the bus station, cryin'.

Don't you know she's crazy about-

Joe?

Joe?

Joe?

- Excuse me, did you see a pretty young girl?

She was wearing kind of a hairy, fuzzy coat.

She was carrying a guitar and a suitcase.

It was an old suitcase.

- Well, I'd remember a face like that.

- Well, I think she got on the bus to Colorado.

- Well, the bus to Colorado left 15, 20 minutes ago.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.

- Captain Dieter?

- Oh no, not you again.

Is this your car?

- Yes sir, it is.

Captain Dieter, this is a matter of life and death.

I've got to stop that northbound bus.

- Is that so? - Yes, Sir.

First I let you off for disturbin' the peace,

then you're illegally parked.

Now you want me to help you hold up a bus?

Yes, Sir.

Please, you see, there's a girl on that bus and Captain,

I don't know exactly what she's goin'

and I've got to find her because I've been terrible

to her and I'm an idiot!

- Well, I'll go along with you on that.

Where's that other idiot, that buddy of yours?

Who, Charlie?

Well, Captain, he's gone back to Texas.

- Well, heaven help Texas.

- Please, Captain.

If I don't stop the bus, I may lose the girl.

And I'd sure hate to do that now.

Oh, Captain, could you help an old soldier, please?

- All right. - Thank you.

- Everett, you take this car

on back to the Sheriff's office

and wait for us yonder, will ya?

Come on, get in. - Keys are in it.

J' Break it to me easy J'

J' If you really don't love me no more J'

J' Remember I'm a lady, should be treated as one J'

J' That's for sure J'

J' Don't you remember I weep, play, love J'

J' Don't you remember how we made love J'

J' Don't you remember how we played love J'

- Driver, this old boy here

has lost somebody and he thinks

that maybe she's on this bus.

- Hurry up, I'm on a schedule.

- Thank you.

- Ginger, I've got to talk to you.

Will you get off the bus with me, please?

- No.

- Ginger, please.

I've gotta talk to you, it's important.

Fella, I gotta get home.

- Just a minute.

Ginger, please.

Sheriff, she doesn't want to get off the bus.

- Well, what do you want me to do, arrest her?

You know, boss, she ain't a-breakin' the law.

- Mister, you either pay or get off the bus.

- Sheriff, could you lend $5?

'$5?

You've got my car as security.

- Here.

- Thank you, Sheriff.

You won't be sorry.

- Can I go now?

I wish you would.

- Ginger, I'm going to stay on this until you listen to me.

Ginger, I'm the most stupid...

I know I hurt you.

I'm sorry.

I want you and I want your child.

You've got to believe me.

You're right, I do need you.

But you've got to believe me.

- What do you need me for?

- Because I love you.

Because I think I need you more

than I've ever needed anyone in my life.

- You don't even know who I am.

- I only know you're the most beautiful

thing that ever happened to me

and I can't let you go now.

Mister, the state law says

that you will remain in your seat.

- I'll never have the chance to know

who you are if you'll leave now.

Ginger, you've gotta give me a chance.

I said sit down in your seat.

- Just a minute.

I wanna hear one of your poems,

I mean, if you go away I'll never hear one of your poems.

Will you read me a poem?

- I said sit down.

Sorry, folks!

Have to get off the bus a minute.

- Yes, Ma'am, here. - Thank you.

- There you go.

- And a radio too. - Yes, ma'am.

I got them.

- Be sure to take it easy.

- Yes, I'm trying. - Please excuse me.

- Yes, Ma'am.

I think I got most of them.

She had a few.

Do you have any more of the pieces?

- Well, there are only 16 in each set.

- No, thank you.

Here's two more.

Here, put these in.

There should be 16 on each side.

I'm sorry, I really am. - Oh, goodness.

- Thank you.

- Okay, folks.

Let's load it up to go.

- You going with us, Mister?

- No thanks.

I had my $5 worth.

J' Wake me up in the mornin' J'

J' You know I got a lotta songs to sing J'

J' Lots of highway to travel J'

J' And lots of sunshine and strawberry string J'

J' And I'm feelin' kinda silly J'

J' 'Cause I can't stop grinnin' J'

J' Sunshine makes me feel that way J'

J' I got a bad case of sweet cheeks J'

J' And it's showin' all over me J'