Original subtitles

Okay, so our next act, a very funny man.

Please make him feel welcome. Jeff Nichols.

[applause]

Hi. My name is Jeff,

and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Jeff. - Hi, Jeff.

I have severe learning disabilities,

which have plagued me my whole life.

I've been diagnosed with ADD, dyslexia,

and a mild case of Tourette's Syndrome.

I have trouble balancing, which doctors have told me

is inner ear related, but it's not.

It's more associated with the word "balance"

than with balance itself.

The good news is that none of these problems, however,

are the result of my addiction to alcohol.

I've been sober for almost ten years.

[applause]

I've always wanted to do good, you know?

- Kind of be a hero. - [snickers]

Even on the day that made me get sober,

I started out with the best intentions.

My mommy had lined up a job for me.

All I had to do was pass the interview.

Sorry.

Oh, it's--

Got it.

It's--

- Good morning. - Morning.

I already put the shirt on. I'm just gonna wear it.

Right. One yellow Oxford.

Yellow?

Yellow? I thought this was white.

No. It's yellow.

It is. It is yellow.

I don't-- Maybe I should get a white one.

You know, I've got a big job interview today.

It's just that these guys, they wear traditional white Oxford shirts.

It's kind of the standard, you know?

I think the yellow looks nicer on you.

How can you tell if you like it better if you haven't seen me in the white?

I can tell when your face is red, so the yellow tones it down a bit.

It's cute.

You don't think it's too yellow, do you?

No.

This is very important, you know.

I'm thinking maybe I should get both.

No. I think I should get white.

Listen, if you want the white one, it's right there.

You can just grab it.

I don't want to create a problem for you. I just--

[sighs] I don't know.

I should get a white one.

Can you just tell me one more time--

do you like the yellow?

I do. Yes.

Promise?

Yes, I promise.

Hey. How are you?

Uh, Jeff Nichols. I'm here for the interview.

Just sit down with the others.

[Jeff] Fuck!

I'll be right back.

Jesus Christ. Relax.

Do you think this shirt looks good on me?

It looks fine.

It's not too noticeable, is it?

Why would it be?

Because it's yellow.

- No. I didn't even notice. - [zip]

- Thanks, man. - [urinal flushes]

He's right.

Work it to own it because you're in it to win it.

[man] Cathy, would you be a doll

and send in the next interviewee?

- Mm-hmm. - Thanks.

Would the gentleman in the yellow shirt come up here?

[Jeff narrating] Before Mommy found out about the job interview,

I wanted to make her proud.

Fucking idiot!

I hate you!

I just needed my stuff on this boat to do it.

You watch! If I can't land her a job,

I'm going to land her a fish!

The only thing that makes me feel good,

that lifts me up and tells me that I'm worthy

is when I catch a fish.

Nothing's like it.

Nothing makes you feel better.

Mommy! Mommy!

What is it, sweetie? Did you catch one?

Yeah.

Here, let me get it. Your first fish.

Look at that! Should we let him go?

- Yeah. - Okay.

You want to say goodbye?

- Bye. - Goodbye, Mr. Fish.

Go on.Go away.

Jeff, I'm so proud of you.

[Mommy] Do you like fishing? Do you want to fish some more?

- Yeah. - You're my hero, sweetie.

[Mommy] That was the biggest fish I've ever seen.

You are really a great fisherman.

[bell clanging]

[train horn blaring]

[tires screech]

[screams]

[panting]

Oh, thank God! Thank God!

♪ Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed ♪

♪ Late at night I toss and I turn ♪

♪ And I dream of what I need

♪ I need a hero

♪ I'm holding out for at hero 'til the end of the night ♪

♪ He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast ♪

♪ And he's gotta be fresh from the fight ♪

♪ I need a hero

♪ I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light ♪Whoo!

♪ He's gotta be sure and it's gotta be soon ♪

♪ And he's gotta be larger than life ♪

♪ Larger than life

Whoo!

Yeah, baby! Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, Mama, I got your fish!

Whoo-hoo! I'm gonna make you proud, Mama!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!

♪ I need a hero

[panting]

Yeah! Hah!

[panting]

This makes things a whole lot better.

Mother of God!

When the Coast Guard gets here, you tell them you saw a woman, and she ran that way.

You're cool, guys. Stay true to yourselves.

[boy] What an idiot.

I don't remember how I got back to the city,

but I know I got mugged.

By some miracle, I made it home.

He doesn't. You're right.

Well, I almost made it home.

Well, as long as it makes him happy.

Fine with me.

[Jeff groans]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

- Jeff. - Morning.

Jeff. Oh, sweetie!

- Are you okay? - Mommy.

Oh, sweetie, what did you do?

I don't think I got the job, Mommy.

But you know what still bugs me?

I submit as a fact that the single hardest thing

for a person with learning disabilities like mine to do

is to captain a boat.

There's so many things to take care of.

You got the electrical system,

you got the hull, the lines,

the radio, the paint, the weather.

It's endless!

I don't want to blame Mike for letting me use his boat,

but I will say that he didn't show the best judgment either.

- Then there's my mom, - You're deflecting, man.

Hey, come on, no cross talk,

Some might call it deflecting, some might call it fact.

I've identified the enemy, details.

[timer ringing]

I'm sorry. If everybody's gonna get a chance to share tonight,

we need to limit the sharing to five minutes.

I didn't get to say what I wanted to say.

What do you want to say?

Isn't it hot in here?

What do you say we vote to turn down the heat?

Please. Just hurry up, finish your share.

But I can't with all this pressure!

Then shut the fuck up!

Hey, come on! No acting out!

Well, then tell this asshole to shut the fuck up

and let somebody else speak!

I am detoxifying here, man!

And what he's saying, he's got me so confused I think I'm gonna fucking snap!

Thanks for letting me share.

Hi. My name is Jeff, and I'm an alcoholic.

[women] Hi, Jeff.

What I've been trying to say...

is that I don't want to blame it on the program.

But I've spent almost a decade

thinking that the most important thing in my life is staying sober

while everyone else I know has gone on to do great things with their lives.

And all I do is sneak into gyms and substitute teach on the side,

not that I'm bad at it.

I'm actually pretty good.

I just don't find it fulfilling.

[kids screaming]

All right! Fuck geography!

Let's play Simon Says! Simon says do this!

I... love... school!

Books... are... good!

Reading... is... good!

You! You, you're out, you're out. Seriously.

I'm...

I'm alone all the time.

It hurts to feel lonely.

And I'm ashamed to admit it,

but I've been avoiding calling Lenny,

the guy I'm mentoring, for over a week now.

I think at the Serene Horizon meeting on Thursday

I'm just going to have to cut Lenny loose.

I know I should be trying to help him for my benefit as well as his,

but I just don't have the strength right now.

You see, my Tourette's Syndrome

has been creating a real shit-storm lately.

For hours during the night, I've involuntarily been playing

a game of fantasy basketball in my head.

This ain't no game, man!

That's a foul!

I love you, Jeff!

[blows whistle]

Pushing!

What?

It's debilitating.

What? That's not a foul!

I'll show you a foul!

I'll fuckin' kill you, Ref!

Hoo! You're out of here!

Oh, my God! They're clearing the benches!

[speaking Spanish]

[man] Motherfucker, I told you to quit clapping!

Sorry. I'll turn the TV down.

Since I was very young,

I've always had the same dream.

[female voice] Jeff? Jeff?

Yes, you.

Your job is to put the red balls in the red bin

and to put the yellow balls in the yellow bin

and to put the blue balls in the blue bin.

Got it?

- Yup. - Good.

Yay, Jeff!

Good!

Good job, sweetie!

You are so good at this!

[Jeff] It's a simple dream.

And all the details go away.

It comforts me.

Thanks for letting me share.

- Thanks, Jeff. - Thanks, Jeff.

That was a great share, Jeff.

So your message is just to keep it simple?

Yeah.

What did you think of the famous Serene Horizon meeting? Did you share?

Yeah, I shared. Jeff, weren't you listening?

Yeah, I was. How you doing, man?

Well, it's been tough this past two weeks,

not drinking and losing my job over at Con-Ed

'cause I really loved that.

It's the only thing I cared about.

And I'm lonely.

I'm so lonely. I haven't touched a woman in three months.

Well, I got a message for you: Masturbation helps.

- I need another meeting. - That's a good idea.

Why don't you call me if you have any problems.

Your phone's disconnected.

It'll be connected soon. I promise.

Why don't I just give you my address and you come over sometime.

I think that'll be best. I live in an SRO. It's really crowded.

They let me have a roommate, it's so crowded.

He moved out 'cause of my drinking.

Lenny, why don't I call you, okay?

I'm really in a state right now, okay?

I told you, man. I've been in ten years,

but I'm really not qualified to help you, okay?

Here. Just write it down.

Great.

I think it'd be great if you come over sometime.

Take care, man.

- Don't drink. - All right.

Hi. Excuse me.

Hi. I'm sorry that I forgot the donuts.

Oh, no, that wasn't--

No, I just-- I actually wanted to ask you a question.

Maybe we can talk about it over coffee.

Well, I've had about six cups already,

but if you want to grab another one--

You know, I don't really like coffee.

Why don't we just go to my place?

Sure.

[woman moans]

Oh, Jeff. Oh, yeah.

[moaning]

Yep.

Thanks.

Okay.

- Do you want one? - No.

[sighs]

Lynn Brody.

I thought you said your name was Ferguson.

It is Ferguson.

My fiance's last name is Brody.

Fiance? Should I be worried?

No.

No. He's in Dubai.

He's gone three weeks out of the month on business.

This is his apartment.

It's very neat. Almost intimidating.

That's Terry. He's very particular.

I wasn't doing so well when I first met him.

So if I can go for two years without acting out, he'll marry me.

I don't have to work or anything.

I just have to go to meetings and try not to screw up.

Is this a screw-up?

Probably, but I think I can cover your tracks.

Oh, good.

[coughs] Why are you marrying him?

[sighs] I don't know.

He takes care of me. Is that wrong?

No, not at all.

I have a very similar relationship with my mommy.

Since I already broke one rule,

do you mind if I break another?

Sex? More sex?

Are you ready for that?

I could use another hour.

No. It's something else.

- Sure. - Okay.

Okay, this is really weird. It's not my passion or anything,

but it's just something that I like to do, and Terry hates it.

[chuckles]

- Don't worry. - Okay.

Ready?

- Yep. - You sure?

- Yes. - Okay.

Here I come.

♪♪ [humming]

♪ Another night the stars are bright ♪

♪ But I know things just aren't quite right ♪

♪ I'm sad and blue

♪ Oh, please, Mr. Moon

♪ Oh, won't you bring to me soon ♪

♪ A love that's, oh, so true

♪ Got a whole lotta love in my heart ♪

♪ But no one to give it to

♪ Waiting for you

♪ Oh, Mr. Love Man when you gonna come on through ♪

♪ Waiting for you

♪ Oh, Mr. Love Man when you gonna come on through ♪

Wow. Wow.

- That was amazing. - You liked it?

Yeah.

I learned it in my song and dance class.

I don't know what to say. That was amazing.

Terry is the luckiest guy I've ever heard of.

Why wouldn't he like that?

And what the fuck is he doing in Dubai?

It's not like you're a pole dancer or anything.

Jeff, there's something I-I should tell you.

Okay.

But I don't want to.

I just want you to know that I'm...

bent, not broken.

Broken's cool, too.

I like you.

You're funny.

You should be a comedian.

- Really? You think so? - Yeah. Yeah.

It's interesting that you say that

because I've been told by a certain authority figure

that I have a good stage presence.

Commanding, even.

My stepdad got me a spot on the Luggage Channel once.

Did you see it?

No.

Well, maybe they'll show a rerun someday.

I'm sure you were great.

I mean, I love your shares.

They make me feel better about myself.

I should go. I'm sorry.

Oh, Jeff, I didn't mean it like that.

- No! - That was so insensitive. I didn't mean that.

No, no, it's okay.

I haven't been with a woman in a long time, and, uh,

you're beautiful and intelligent and really amazing.

And to be perfectly honest, you're just too good for me.

I can see that. You will, too, soon, so...

I'm just gonna get my stuff and go.

I'm pretty sure that you're not gonna wanna see me again.

That's fine.

If you don't want me to go to the Serene Horizon meeting, that's okay.

- 'Cause there are plenty of meetings for me to go to. - Jeff...

- Don't worry. - Oh, my God.

What?

W-What is-- Is that blood?

Are you bleeding?

Uh-oh.

That's not...

I-I have no idea what that is.

[sniffs] Ohh...

It could be yours.

I'll leave my number in the kitchen.

Damn it.

I don't know what to say. I-- I was so nervous.

Drank a lot coffee.

And she was on top.

[laughter]

Yeah, I guess it's pretty funny that I squirted in her bed.

[chuckling]

That is, until you realize this was the first girl that I've kissed

in three years.

When she said "bent not broken,"

it felt so good to hear that.

That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Well, I had to get that off my chest.

Thanks for letting me share.

[all] Thanks, Jeff.

[foreign language]

Samy, what's going on?

You're out!

I told you no clap! You continue to clap!

- What are you talking about? - You clap all night long!

Hah hah hah hah hah!

The neighbors complain. I can't take it anymore!

This is illegal. You gotta give me an eviction notice.

- I give you three! - Well, I haven't received one.

Here. Look.

What?

Well, they were hidden in the menus.

I don't care. You're out. Right now.

Whoa.

You did a nice job of organizing that.

Huh?

I said you did a nice job of organizing that.

The way you separated the trash bags and hung your bike helmet,

it's impressive.

Do I know you from the shelter on 151st?

No.

I'm sorry. I'm not homeless. I'm just moving.

[laughs] Me, too, bub.

Have a taste.

Nah. I don't drink.

That's cool.

Just moving. Good one.

Hey, Lenny, I'm borrowing your soap.

[Lenny shouts] When you're done, rinse it off.

I don't want any ball hairs on it!

[knocks]

Hey!

- Hey. - Hey, hey!

Thanks for letting me stay here.

Sure. Come on in.

All right.

Whoa.

I get the top bunk bed, right?

Top bunk's yours.

You know, I, uh...

I never really kissed a girl until I was 25.

Oh. Really?

I mean, I had sex before that with a girl in a massage parlor.

But I'd never kissed a girl.

It was kind of weird, you know.

I used to think I was gay.

Oh. There was a time when everyone thought that I was gay.

Really?

Yeah. It was right around when my mommy married Mike.

Mommy?

He worked in the city, so we'd stay in his apartment during the week,

and then at his house on the weekends in Westchester.

The change scared me.

So Mike bought me a giant stuffed puma to make me feel better.

[laughs]

Oh, look. He just loves that puma.

Wow! He's so big...

and lifelike.

[Mommy laughs]

I-I named it after a girl I had a crush on.

Her name was Scotty.

Okay, Scotty, we're gonna play a little game called "I win".

Gotcha!

Scotty, are you okay? Scotty?

I'm just kidding.

I would never hurt you.

Got you again!

[grunting]

That puma was my best friend. He was my only friend.

So I guess my mommy thought I was a little weird

that I was spending so much time with a puma.

[Mommy] Jeff?

Where are you, sweetie?

Jeff?

Jeff?

Jeff, are you in there, sweetie?

Scotty.

There's nothing wrong with what happened between you and Scotty.

It's okay.

It's okay to be gay.

But, Mommy, I'm not gay. Scotty's a girl.

But Scotty's a boy's name.

No.

She's a girl.

Okay, whatever you say, sweetie,

but I think it's best if Scotty goes to puma heaven.

Why, Mommy? I mean, Scotty's my only friend.

Sweetie, if Scotty were your friend,

you wouldn't stick your penis inside of him.

Please! Mommy!

- It's not true! - Sweetie, I'm sorry.

She's my friend! She's a girl!

Here, just give me the puma, sweetie.

- I wouldn't do that to her. - There you go.

- It's okay, sweetie. - Okay, Scotty, let's go.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm sorry, sweetie.

The saddest thing is that now that my-my confidence

is so severely crippled because of my learning disabilities,

and my balls are sagging so low that I tuck them into my sock,

I look back at the whole thing, I just wish to hell

that I'd fucked the shit out of that puma, you know?

Gay or straight. I don't give a shit.

You know what I mean?

That's the fuckin' weirdest story I've ever heard.

But it makes me feel better because nothing like that ever happened to me.

Yeah, well, I'm glad I could help.

Is that like a furry tail I see sticking out from the bed?

You got a puma up there?

Fuck you, man.

You're funny, Jeff.

- You're funny. - [woman moans]

The walk of shame.

Headed home from a meeting on a Friday night.

College girls, bars,

all the booze in the world and not a drop to drink.

- How's your coffee? - Good.

I put some cinnamon in it to make it less bitter.

Do you mix it in?

No. It's just on top.

I recently switched back from skim to whole.

There's really no comparison between the two.

What about the calories?

Fuck those calories. I use a lot of sugar anyway.

You are a madman, Jeff.

Yeah.

[wolf whistle]

Whoa. Lenny.

You want to go in?

It's a bar.

It's a comedy club. Open mic night.

- They serve drinks in there, Jeff. - Yeah, I know.

I shouldn't go into a place where they serve alcohol. You know what they say.

If you're gonna hang out in a barbershop, you're bound to get a haircut.

Besides I thought stand-up comedy was like the new karaoke.

You ever do karaoke?

Yeah, all the time when I was fucked up.

Oh, man. I can't do karaoke anymore.

I hadn't even considered that.

That's gonna be a tough one to give up. That's gonna suck.

I used to love to get hammered and just sing my heart out.

I'd even start bawling, man.

It was fuckin' beautiful.

How the hell am I supposed to break into comedy?

I don't know. Get a comedy how-to book.

They gotta have 'em.

Lenny, I'd don't know if I told you this, but I have dyslexia, okay?

I can barely read.

Speaking of which, did you go the library reading I told you about?

Yeah, and guess who I saw there.

Lynn?

[women shouting] Suck, suck, suck, suck!

Suck, suck, suck, suck! Suck, suck, suck, suck!

I got to get to another meeting.

Don't drink!

Lynn's comment about being a comedian really hit home.

I've got good stage presence. Some say commanding.

And the next big question is...

should I let this thing with Lynn go?

I wish you guys would tell me.

If I shit in your bed, would you give me a second chance?

Stick to pumas.

[laughter]

Scotty was a girl puma.

She was my friend.

That's not funny.

You sure you said you'd bring her to the 3:30 meeting?

For the 50th time, yeah.

You know, this sobriety thing is starting to work.

I think I got a job.

That's great. That's really great.

Listen, do you think I'll look smart

if she sees me with this?

Absolutely.

One regular coffee.

One super mocha choco-latte with extra whipped.

That looks good.

It's a little special treat I'm giving myself

for cracking my first book in like ten years.

Mm! Wow! That's piping hot, too.

You got it all over your face.

Wow.

Missed some.

Thanks.

Okay. I'm gonna strike a pose, okay?

You just keep your eye out for her. Just cough or something when you see her.

All right.

[Jeff reads aloud]

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohhhh!

[screaming continues]

- Jeff! - A rag, please.

- What's going on? - Here.

Jeff.

Hi, Lenny.

Oh, hi.

- Pour that in your lap. - Okay.

Ah. That feels good. Yeah, that feels good,

You know, I tried calling you, but your phone got shut off.

Yeah. I tried to get in touch with you, too.

If you need new sheets--

It's all right.

Put those teabags on the burn.

Okay.

Ooh.

That feels good. It's a good trick.

How did you learn this stuff?

Took a CPR and home remedy class.

You're gonna be fine.

- [blows] - Ooh.

The burn doesn't really look that bad at all.

That's-- That's perfect.

You want to get a cup of coffee?

I don't really like coffee.

I wish we could go back to my place, but Terry's in town,

He's leaving for Japan tomorrow, though.

Why don't you meet me at the One-Day-At-A-Time dance on Thursday night?

You know where it is, right?

Yeah.

All right.

Keep those bags pressed gently for 20 more minutes.

Okay.

- Good to see you. - Bye.

Looks like I shit myself again.

♪ I'd still be...

If I had a bottle of Jack, I'd let it rip.

Well, just get up there then.

Yeah. Without being drunk. Sure.

Yeah. Just get up there and rip it.

Rip it. Rip it. Just like that?

Go up and rip it.

Yep.

Oh, man, your girl's here.

Shit. All right. You know what?

This one's for you. I'm gonna rip it.

Good luck. Here.

Wow. You look beautiful.

You want to dance or sing a song?

I don't sing or dance in public.

Right.

[Jeff singing off-key]

♪ Just rock me, baby Rock me, baby, all night long ♪

You want a cup of coffee?

Why don't we just go back to my place?

[off-key singing continues]

♪ I don't know where we come from ♪

♪ Don't know where we're going to ♪

Before I left, I told the doorman that I called the plumber.

Be the plumber.

I will.

♪ You can cut my hair

♪ You can fill my cup

[Doorman] Good evening, Miss Brody.

Hi.

♪ You can make it up

♪ We're gonna make it after all ♪

I'm the plumber.

Swing this Travelmore bag over your shoulder

and hit the town.

Its contemporary no-hands design

is perfect for quick trips or everyday use.

That's not how you hold a bag.

Lynn, you gotta look at this clown.

He's got no stage presence whatsoever.

I hope you like Eggs Benedict.

I made the Hollandaise sauce from scratch.

I don't know how good it is.

I just learned how to make it in my cooking class.

It looks great.

I made the plate, too.

How come you're so good at everything in your classes?

I don't know.

I always was good at stuff like that.

You know, I used to be a consultant. I have an MBA.

Of course, I'm a CPA, as well.

Jesus Christ, you're intimidating the hell out of me right now.

Why don't you work?

I don't know. Fear, I guess.

I wasn't doing that well when I first got sober.

I feel like I'm just keeping it together right now, you know?

Yeah, I hear you. Holy shit!

Whoa, man! Whoa!

I'd sell my balls for a boat like this.

Or any boat, for that matter.

Well, you could probably sell your car

and get a dinghy.

That's a good point.

Aside from the fact that my car's my mommy's,

buying a boat like this is only half the battle.

They're complicated.

I've already sunk one.

Oh.

I hate to state the obvious, Lynn, but Terry's a hell of a lot older than you.

I noticed denture cleaner in the bathroom.

He's got a bridge.

He's European.

- Do you find him attractive? - I used to.

But it wasn't about his looks, you know?

He makes me feel safe and taken care of, which I like.

Of course, he's a little bit uptight, kind of controlling

and a bit of a workaholic.

You know, it's funny I always pictured myself with someone more creative,

like a writer.

God, that'd be cool, right? A writer.

I could be his muse.

Well, maybe you could be my muse.

Oh, who does this asshole think he is?

John McEnroe?

So, you find writers attractive?

Yeah.

I'm pretty sick of this drive every day.

Your first step is to get organized.

Sloppy thinking leads to sloppy writing,

so what you've got to do is you've got to get your head in order.

[click]

If you don't do something impressive,

Lynn's gonna dump your sorry ass.

Keep your filthy tongue off of her.

Face it. You're getting kind of old.

You're not doing shit with your life.

Even bums think you're homeless.

That guy was just making an observation.

Forget about him.

He wouldn't say it if there wasn't any truth to it.

Look, that's pure speculation.

Speculate on this: Comedy is karaoke.

Then what about writing?

Writing?

You can barely read.

What do you-- What do you suggest I do, huh?

Get drunk and go gambling.

How would I get the money?

- [horn honks] - [shouting]

Get the ball! Be a puma!

What's wrong with you?

Take it! I don't wanna play anymore!

Where's the ref!

I'll take a hot dog.

Hi, guys.

[shouting continues]

Get the ball! Get the ball! Get the ball!

- [horn honks] - Yum! Hot dogs!

I love hot dogs!

[shouting]

Hey, asshole!

What the fuck are you doing?

So sorry, sorry, sir.

I-It's my Tourette's.

Get the fuck out of the way, man!

Okay.

Dick!

Got another red! It'll be a minute, buddy!

- Hi. - Don't worry about the doorman.

I told him you stuffed your toilet.

Lynn, I need your advice.

I've been thinking about becoming a comedian or a writer.

I don't know which, and since you're attracted to both,

I could really use your opinion,

You want to be a writer now?

Like I said, I'm somewhat on the fence.

Well, have you ever written anything?

See, that's the thing.

I've been thinking about becoming a writer

or trying to be a comedian.

But I don't know. I don't know.

That's why I'm asking you

because if you think that I could be a writer,

then I would try to write something.

If you think I could be a comedian, then I would try comedy.

Am I not making any sense here?

Have you ever tried comedy?

Please just choose one.

If you don't think that I could do either thing,

then I could just be a substitute teacher for the rest of my life,

which I'm good at.

Could you just please choose one?

You're not getting the point.

What point? You haven't said anything.

You could be Santa Claus.

Did you just say I could be Santa?

You want my advice?

Yes, please.

Why don't you write a joke?

That's a good idea.

Thank you.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about my current situation

'cause to look at me, you wouldn't know it,

but I was actually once well taken care of.

My mommy and my stepfather would takes us to fancy places

like the Ritz, the Waldorf, Four Seasons.

The kind of places where they have little chocolate mints on the pillows.

Bath salts. I used to eat those things all the time.

It's probably why I'm here. I don't know.

Nice, clean 3,000 thread-counted Egyptian cotton sheets.

I used to order a cheese plate,

massage and pay-per-view porno.

All three at the same time.

I used to call it the Shiatsu Gouda Love Fest.

Nothing. I got nothing.

When I was 12 years old, I used to play board games

with my Ecuadorian nanny named Jade.

Oh, man. This is embarrassing

She'd play a little game called "Pocket Pool" in my ball sack.

If she won, I'd give her a foot massage.

She taught me how to drink. She was 52.

It was fun. You know, we had good times.

Wake up.

- Fuck! - [kicks trash can]

Now I live in a filthy room the size of a tiny closet

with a huge man.

Some people would call it a shit box.

Mommy would call it an armoire.

I don't know what that is.

French? Spanish? I know it's small.

That's funny, right?

And it's not even my apartment.

It belongs to the guy I'm mentoring,

the only person I'm supposed to be taking care of.

But you know what?

There's a lot of benefits to living in a dump like I do.

For example, can anyone here claim to have tamed a rat?

[laughter]

Okay, does anyone else want to share?

Why? It's perfect! [laughs]

Oh, fuck.

That's another one of Mike's buildings.

We used to live there during the week.

Yeah, I was the Prince of Park Avenue then.

Wow.

You want to go inside?

Not allowed. Had a problem with the tub.

Okay. Why don't you show me something that's special to you?

Want me to show you how to sneak into a gym?

Yeah.

All right. You're awesome.

Watch this.

Hey, Jeff!

♪ Hey, love

♪ I'm ready to be heartbroken

Come back here, dick!

[laughing]

Whoa!

Just kidding.

I think I'm in love with you.

Ohh...

Shoot. I just remembered. I have to go home.

Terry's corning into town tonight.

I forgot.

Oh, yeah. Do you mind if I walk you?

Yeah, okay.

Great.

So I'll see you tomorrow at Kick Starter meeting?

Great.

- Bye. - Bye.

Good afternoon.

- Terry! - Darling! Here I am.

Home bearing gifts.

Tunisia was not the same without you.

Wow. I missed you so much.

Guess who was on a camel.

Jeff!

Jeff.

It's Brian.

Oh, hey, Brian.

Brian! Hey! You-- Wha--

We went to boarding school together, honey.

This is Daphne, my wife, and that's my daughter Lily.

How are you doing, man?

- Really good. - Great.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Brian, I hate to ask,

but do got a buck or two I could borrow,

or a swipe of a Metro Card.

Anything works for me.

Sure. Uh...

Thanks.

- Good to see you. - Good to see you.

♪♪ [jazz]

What?

Nothing.

What?

You don't think I was being honest.

I wasn't even thinking about you.

I was thinking about myself.

When I first quit consulting, I met some older men.

Wealthy men who'd take me out on dates.

They were just dates, you know, dinners and things like that.

But then after a while, they started offering me money.

First, I said no, but then...

I figured why not?

I was drinking and doing a lot of coke.

It just made sense and seemed like a waste if I didn't.

It wasn't actually even all that bad.

Sometimes it was... kind of nice.

But then one night, I was really-- I was drunk.

And I was pretty far uptown and...

I didn't have any cab fare,

so I saw this nice-looking college kid and propositioned him.

He took me back to his parents' apartment,

and when we got there, he didn't want me to come inside.

I still needed the cab fare, so I got him off in the hallway.

I blew him.

And when it was over, he paid me and...

I thought I'd just sit down and sober up a little bit.

I passed out.

When I woke up, I didn't know where I was.

My pants were soaked, so I knew I wet myself.

The hallway was completely empty,

and I couldn't find my way out.

I was lost and alone, and it was--

Hey. Hey, it's okay.

I get lost all the time.

It's very scary.

Jeff, I really like you.

But I can't leave Terry.

It's okay.

I'm grateful that I've got someone in my life right now.

And unlike before,

I think a lot of the reason why it works

is because we're on equal terms,

and he respects that,

and I respect myself.

It's all about honesty.

Thanks for letting me share.

[women] Thanks, Lynn.

[Jeff] Mommy, I want to ask you a favor.

Mm-hmm.

I'm considering a career change.

- Oh, you are? - Yeah.

I was thinking about being a stand-up comic.

There's also a chance for me to write, too.

Jokes at first and then maybe more.

That's terrific. You know, I've always told you,

you have a wonderful stage presence.

Commanding. Really.

Come on.

But what made you want to change?

I met a girl, and I want to be able to take care of her.

Thank God it's a girl.

Jesus, Mommy!

I told you Scotty was a female puma!

Okay.

You've only got a couple months of teaching left before summer break.

Why don't you just finish out the year and see how you feel then?

That-- That's sensible. It is very sensible.

I hate taking money from you and Mike,

but, Mommy, there's something you've got to understand.

I'm like an animal at the zoo.

You just can't release me.

You got to ease me back into the wild.

- Mike, darling. - I'll get my checkbook.

Mike, I swear I'm on the verge of paying you back for that yacht.

This is just a loan.

Plus I'm going to substitute teach tomorrow.

Something I'm good at.

Quiet!

[kids shouting]

Yeah!

All right!

[school bell ringing]

Mrs. Shelby, the chalk slipped right out of my hand.

I understand. It's completely natural.

After all, gymnasts use chalk to powder their hands because it's slippery.

- This chalk was. - Clearly.

I don't know if you've been to a classroom lately, but it's not easy.

I teach mathematics to our mentally challenged students once a week.

Exactly.

What do you mean, "exactly"?

Well, Mrs. Shelby, wouldn't you say

that the material you teach your mentally challenged kids

is far easier than what I have to teach mine?

I assume you've mastered third grade mathematics.

Right. Touche.

You know, since you've been subbing with us,

you've lost control of the classroom several times,

often bribing the children with both money and candy to maintain order.

I never used money.

A month ago you played Simon Says for so long, one student fainted.

I didn't know he had asthma. I mean, if he had one of those little inhaler things

like strung around his neck--

Screamed profanities at the students,

telling one youngster to, quote,

"Shut your fucking trap."

You're right.

That was wrong. I shouldn't have done that.

The larger issue is you lack presence.

And the students?

The students, they have no respect for you whatsoever.

I recommend that you find a job more suitable to your abilities.

I got to find something I can do.

You're funny.

That does a lot of good.

The homeless story, that did me a lot of good.

Okay. What else?

You're a great friend.

I'm a funny, great friend.

A fucking dog in a sweater can do that.

What about fishing? You love fishing.

With my LDs, there's no possible way

I could be the captain of a fishing boat.

Jeff, work on somebody else's boat.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How you doing? - Good.

- Where are your arms? - Oh, just scratching my back.

- Really? - Got a rash.

- You're not hiding something? - No. What are you hiding?

You look like you're sprouting something.

Oh, really? Like this?

- Flowers! - You like them?

How about this?

Jeff, what is this?

- It's no big deal. - No, it is--

I know you can't.

- Oh, my-- - I hope you like it.

Oh, my God. Jeff, it's so beautiful.

- Yeah? - Yes!

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

It's so-- Jeff?

- [groans] - What's going on?

You're scaring me. Oh, my God. Jeff!

Jeff!

Breathe, breathe.

What's wrong? What?

- Get away! Your shoes! - What's wrong with them?

- Throw them over there! - What's wrong with them?

Throw your shoes away. Throw them over there.

Oh, my God. Okay. I'm taking them off.

- Threw 'em away. - [panting]

Shh. Try to relax.

Ohh... Oh, God.

Just breathe.

God, Jeff. Shh...

Your shoes.

What happened?

Your shoes are New Balance.

So?

I just--

When I see the word "balance," I-- I get nauseous,

and I experience vertigo, and I just lose my balance.

It doesn't happen all the time. It's only when I'm worked up.

Oh.

- Oh, God. - Jeff...

the sneakers don't even say the word "balance" on them.

The "N" is enough.

I haven't had an episode like that in a long time.

I'm okay.

Thank you.

Just breathe.

Careful. Careful.

God.

You scared me.

I mean, Jeff, what happens if your students wear New Balance sneakers?

I ask them to take them off.

That's so cute.

Actually, Lynn, about school...

I got fired.

Jeff, how can you afford that necklace?

See, that's the best thing.

Everything's affordable with Zeffers' new financing plan.

Jeff, you still have to pay back the loan.

I hate to admit it, but I got you, Lynn.

I'm going to be a commercial fisherman, an old seadog.

I figured that if this is a steady thing for me,

maybe you wouldn't have to get married to Terry.

I know this sounds crazy, but I love you.

I want to take care of you.

I love you, too, Jeff.

You're the best girlfriend I've ever had.

The only one, frankly, but the best.

You know what? I don't think I've ever had a real boyfriend either.

Just sugar daddies and pimps?

[laughs]

Yeah.

And she says no because of the mast-head.

Hmm.

Hey, Cappy. I'm Jeff. Sorry I'm late.

Ease her out there, Junior.

You got it, Cap.

- Where's your gear? - Gear?

You don't think this sweater's gonna be warm enough?

Yeah, it'll be warm enough for today,

but the weather might get dirty over the next four to six weeks.

And even though I made a little mistake by boarding a month-long cruise,

being aboard a boat without having the responsibility of captaining it

was gonna be like playing the lotto without having to buy the tickets.

It was going to be heaven.

And while we steamed into it, all I thought about was Lynn

lying in bed, watching reruns of the Luggage Channel.

With this peerless Cincinnati Sateen rolling bag,

you'll be the toast of high tea in London.

And thanks to this patented tri-fold center strap,

when you land in Dubai,

say bye-bye to creases in your clothing.

And now for my favorite feature, the snap pocket.

[Captain] Junior, get fuckin' Santa's helper to lift the fuckin' nets out!

Dipshit, give me a fuckin' hand!

- All right. - Hold onto that.

Tight!

Right, when I say when, pull.

What?

When I-- When I say when, pull.

I already am pulling on it.

Just-- You know what? Don't pull.

I don't need your help. Go. Go.

You need a spotter or something?

No, I don't need a spotter. Fuck, man.

Get the fuck out of here. A spotter!

Morning, Cappy.

Man the wheel.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I've sunk one of these before.

- You've what? - I sunk one.

Just go.

Go, go. Get Junior.

Tell him I need a man up here.

These nets look different.

Yeah. It's 'cause we're going for weak fish.

Weak fish?

The small white ones. Use them as bait.

Nothing, right?

You're such a fuckin' idiot.

Get a wrench and help me out.

Okay.

Come on, princess, bring it up.

Come on, give it some gas! Get the whip line.

You see, when you're netting for a particular kind of fish

and one that may not already be in danger of being wiped out,

you inevitably scoop up those that are.

It's called a by catch.

It's coming.

I spent my whole life trying to catch fish like this.

We're talking about Spanish mackerel, porgies, tuna,

and the most amazing and beautiful sport fish of all--

the striped bass.

We struck gold.

It was the kind of gold you had to throw back.

- What the hell are you doing? - What the fuck, man!

I'm throwing them back, Cappy. They're beautiful.

And they're dying.

What the fuck!

Listen, Cappy, I may not know much,

but I know it's illegal to net for these kind of fish.

We'll throw them back later.

But, Cappy, you'll be throwing them back dead.

I said we'll throw them back later!

Now, every fuckin fish that swims by here right now,

that's 3.25 to the pound that I'm losing!

Now, I'm going to give you to the count of three

to get the goddamn nets back out!

One, two...

Okay, okay.

Now, I am no great environmentalist, okay?

Hell, I don't even recycle.

But what Al was proposing was murdering all these fish.

No! No! No! No!

I'm not going to let you bastards get away with this.

You're going to have to kill me

before I let these fish suffocate on deck.

It's either me or the fish, gentlemen.

But I swear, I will gut you before you get me overboard.

All I'm asking is you let me throw these fish back

before you throw your stinking nets out there.

It'll only take a minute. How's it going to go down?

This is mutiny, faggy.

You lose your quarter share.

So be it.

Junior, get back on the crane.

Go ahead.

You're in such a world of shit.

It's my world.

Tell me when you find Nemo.

What I didn't figure into my mutiny was...

now I was going to be at sea for three weeks

with people who wanted to kill me.

People die at sea all the time.

It didn't matter. Neither the threat of death

or the loss of money mattered at all to me

because I knew that as soon as I got home,

I would have Lynn there waiting for me.

It says there's a tropical storm off the coast.

Yeah, I read that, too.

It's supposed to be 40-knot winds.

Do you think it'd be safe to be on a boat?

I sure as hell wouldn't want to be on one.

[knocking]

You expecting someone?

- Yes? - Are you Lynn Ferguson?

l am.

Hi, Miss Ferguson. Sorry to bother you.

We have a judgment against Jeff Nichols,

and he listed this as his primary address.

Me and my friend Peanut are here to repossess that diamond necklace.

Uh, I'll go grab the box.

May I ask you what is this about?

Well, grandpa, looks like some loverboy

bought your daughter a necklace he couldn't afford.

Thank you.

I-- I can't wait to see her.

In fact, does anyone know where there's a good florist?

Whoa.

Thanks for letting me share.

[all] Thanks, Jeff.

Lynn!

Wait. Wait, wait!

Wait! Why are you running?

- [tires screech] - [horn honks]

Lynn!

Wait.

Wait, please, please.

Give me a moment.

I just got back.

I went to a quick meeting, but then I came straight here.

They didn't have a phone on the boat.

I've missed you so much.

Why aren't you wearing your necklace?

It's over, Jeff.

Over!

Wait.

Do you mean it's over between you and Terry or you and me?

You can't go. I've got my six-month anniversary coming up.

Yeah. Well, I got my 10-year anniversary coming up.

What have I done with my time? Nothing.

I need help, Lenny.

I just lost the love of my life due to poor accounting,

I'm here. I'll help you.

I got a new tactic.

It's called surrender.

See, me and details, we went to battle three decades ago,

and I can honestly say that that war is over, and I've lost.

So you're just going to be a bum?

I'm retiring. Mike's brother has got a garage apartment in Quogue

he's going to rent me real cheap.

I got all I need right here.

Okay, retire, but promise me one thing.

You'll keep going to meetings

'cause those people need you as much as you need them.

Lenny, how can I expect other people to be interested in my problems

when they don't even impress me?

I have learning disabilities, and I drank a lot when I was a kid.

It's like having gingivitis, you know?

Buy a toothbrush, get on with it.

I cannot believe I'm hearing you say this.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lenny.

It was good knowing you, man. Don't drink.

Hey, Jeff!

Hey, Uncle Popcorn.

- How you doing? - I'm good.

Don't call me Uncle Popcorn, okay?

Yeah, sure.

- Give me that. - Okay. All right.

Hey, all this is yours, man, any time you want to use it.

You know how to use this thing here?

Not really.

Let me show you. It's easy.

Step up, step up, and ho!

- Wow! - Ho!

All right! [laughs]

Okay? Give it a try. Come on.

That's it.

Ah, it's all right. It's all right.

- No, no, that ain't the way. - Okay.

- All right, let's go. - Sorry.

Don't use that until I show you how.

And my barbeque here? You don't fuckin' touch that.

Absolutely not.

I got you fixed up in the back there

above the garage.

Without going to meetings

and without the responsibility of being a mentor,

I figured retirement would be easy, but it wasn't.

Because I couldn't stop thinking about what happened on the boat.

I didn't know why it was upsetting me so much

until I figured out that the fish chose me.

Like Lynn, they were in trouble because they chose me.

I wanted to save them,

and the only way I could was to write.

So despite my LDs,

I started working on a letter to a national fishing magazine.

Dear Hooked on Fishing,

this really bad thing happened.

...the fish was "breehly" bad. That's right.

[knocking]

Hey, Uncle Popcorn, come in.

Jeff, we got to talk.

Great, cause I been dying to talk to somebody.

This letter is a lot more difficult than I thought it was going to be.

Plus it was really cold in here last night.

But that's okay because the heat throws off my equilibrium,

and it kind of makes me twitchy, so I can fight through it.

Do you have a dictionary, or do you think you could proofread this for me?

What do you think, Uncle Popcorn?

First of all, I asked you to stop calling me Uncle Popcorn.

It's a name the little kids call me,

and they usually stop doing it when they're six or seven.

What do I call you then? Uncle Bert?

How about Bert? I'm not your uncle.

Well, you're Mike's brother.

He's your stepfather.

He's like a father.

Hell, Jeff, you're a grown man.

Grown men do not call each other "uncle."

Okay.

And another thing grown men do is pay rent.

You're already three weeks late.

I'm sorry. It's coming.

- When? - Soon. I've got checks in the mail.

There literally are checks sitting in the mailbox.

Jeff, I checked your mailbox. There's nothing in there.

Not that one.

It's a mailing address from this old apartment that I used to live in,

and it was like three years ago.

My friend moved in,

and then he left and this new guy came in.

I haven't been there for like nine months.

This guy's got a bad vibe.

I just don't want to deal with him right now.

Why don't you just put in a change of address?

What? I'm supposed to notify everybody that sends me mail where I moving to?

Yeah. It's what normal people do.

You just fill out a little form at the post office.

Okay, listen, if it's important to you,

I can go see my mommy in Westchester

and borrow some money from her.

Jeff, that... that...

see, that's what this is all about.

That's the thing here.

You know, for years, Mike has been telling me about how great you are,

how nice you are, how caring.

Then he tells me about all your fuck-ups.

And I know that every time you sink a boat

or lose a job or have to pay rent,

you go crying to your mommy.

And her and Mike have to bail you out.

Well, they just catch me when I slip up.

No. They coddle you

and prevent you from taking any sort of responsibility, like a child.

Hell, not even.

I've got an 11-year-old grandson

who's had a paper route for two years.

Have you ever held a job that long?

No. I have--

I have learning disabilities, too.

Hmm. When I was your age, you know what we called that?

Retardation.

Hell, even those people got jobs

assembling cardboard boxes or cleaning toilets,

unlike the modern day version that waddle around,

moaning about how difficult everything is.

They spend their entire lives doing nothing

and leeching off their parents

and their Uncle Popcorns.

You want another week? Fine.

I'll give you a week,

then I'm going to call up Mike and ask him for the money myself.

[door opens, closes]

Goddamn it.

Tanya, it's him! Keep the cat in the bedroom.

[Tanya] Don't be a pussy, Philip! Kick his ass right now, Philip!

Here.

It's been nine months.

Honestly, take this and never come back.

Please, I am so sick of holding on to your fuckin' crap.

It's goddamn ridiculous.

Jeff.

- Hey. - It's cold outside.

How long have you been out here?

Not long. Just, uh, I was in the city, so...

Are you okay?

Haven't seen you around the rooms lately.

I quit going to the meetings.

Today would have been my ten-year anniversary.

It's good though. It is.

I've been real productive with all my free time.

A regular workhorse.

How are you? Are you married yet?

Not yet.

I'd marry you, Lynn. You know that?

But, Jeff, what would happen?

I mean, you're a sweet guy,

and you're funny, and I'm really attracted to you,

but what kind of a life would we lead if you can't even...

clean your own bedroom?

Technically, it'd be half your room.

Jeff...

I never expected to fall in love with you.

It was the easiest thing I ever did.

But if something bad happened, and I drank again,

I could really hurt myself.

Nothing bad would happen.

I just don't have what it takes to build a life with you.

I'm sorry.

Don't drink.

[phone ringing]

I accept.

Hi, Mommy.

Hi, Jeff.

Listen, I'm a little upset.

I was wondering if I could come and stay with you in Westchester tonight.

Oh, Mike and I are headed to Florida.

I'm just about to meet him at the airport.

What's wrong, sweetie?

A little sad, that's all.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you want to come up and stay at the house while we're gone,

I'm sure that would be fine.

I would just like you to ask Mike directly.

No, I'd rather not.

I don't want to ask any more favors.

Well, he's happy to do favors for you.

He loves you. I-- Just, please.

If you decide you want to come up and stay for a few days,

all you have to do is ask.

You know what? I will if I go there.

I love you, Mommy.

I love you, too, sweetie. Feel better.

[gasping]

Today I will clean.

[squirts]

Ugh...

Damn it.

Would you please stop returning your W-2 form to me personally?

You're supposed to mail these to the IRS.

Oh. Thanks.

Would you please stop returning your W-2 form to me personally?

You're supposed to mail these to the IRS.

You're supposed to mail these to the IRS.

Mommy...

I don't mind paying for your parking tickets when you get them,

but if you don't pay them,

since it's my car, it goes against my credit.

Just call this number here when you get one.

It's my CPA, and she will handle the tickets.

Thanks. They're already taken take of.

- Call this number... - Mail these to the IRS.

...when you get one. It's my CPA. She will handle the tickets.

I've got to call the accountant.

Don't get the phone-- I have to pay the phone bill.

Verizon bill.

Verizon!

$487?

I have to pay for?

There's a check around here somewhere.

Where's the paycheck?

Call this number...

Aha!

$492. Thank you, Mrs. Shelby.

[repetitive dialogue continues]

[dial tone]

Hi, Verizon?

I have a personal check here.

I just want to... turn my phone back on.

If you have no credit or debit card or a checking account, you will need a money order.

How do I do that?

Do you have a state-issued I.D. card?

No.

Passport?

No. I lost it.

Social security card?

No.

I'm sorry, sir, I can't help you.

- [banging on door] - Jeff!

Where the fuck's my rent?

I'll give it to you in a minute.

All right, hurry up. I'll be in the yard.

Take me, Jeff. Come play in my box.

There's pumas and everything.

- Come with me! - Not now!

It's so much fun in here.

Leave me alone!

I'll play with your nut sack, Jeff. Jeff, come in here.

I want you to come and play.

Jeff, come here.

I just have to do a...

Come here.

Jeff, get over here!

Hold on! God damn you! Hold on!

I gotta-- I'm going to the store. Going to the store.

- Be right back. - Jeff!

Stop that car right now!

You said you needed milk, so I figured...

Hi. My name is Jeff, and I'm an alcoholic.

[all] Hi, Jeff.

I swore I wouldn't come back to the rooms.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me.

I needed comfort. I had to go home.

The first thing that Mike did when he moved in was...

he hung up a replica of the fast trout I caught.

Your mother said it looked just like the one you got.

I think it might have been a little bigger, Mike. Jeff is an excellent fisherman.

Uh...

Jeff...

I want you to know that I bought this house

because I want you and your mother

to have a place where you can always go

and feel like things haven't changed.

You understand me?

Yeah.

I loved that trout.

The house was a haven,

always open to me, provided l asked.

Instead of using the furnace,

which would have caused a noticeable spike in the heating bill,

I used a space heater to keep me warm while I lay on the couch.

I slept so soundly.

And then... I smelt it.

[sniffs]

What-- Oh, shit!

Shit! Fuck. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

[door opens, closes]

[running footsteps]

Something very bad has happened.

I just-- I've come from the--

Mike, I did some rewiring work a week or two ago.

Some of the old stuff you had in there looked a little dangerous.

I got insurance, so I'm protected if I made a mistake,

but I tell you, I really thought I made it safer.

See, Mike? Andy could've started it.

Jeff, you weren't here last night, were you?

Like I was saying, that wiring was pretty old.

I'll probably lose my license.

But hell, if did that, I deserve it.

[Mommy] Andy, you've done such great work for us, but this time--

[Andy] I know, I know.

[Mommy] Thank God, it was you, Andy. Thank God!

It was me.

I was here.

I didn't want you to see that I was here,

so I used a space heater instead of turning on the furnace.

I, uh, I accidentally burned one of the cushions.

I tried to hide it, okay?

That's how the fire started. It was my fault, not Andy's.

I burned your house down.

I'm sorry, Mike.

Go sit in the fucking car.

I'm so sorry, darling.

[Mommy] Oh, my God. Look at this.

Wait a second. I found something!

Look what I found!

I'm gonna run a hose from the auxiliary, all right?

It's Jeff's fish!

So...

the only thing that's left of the house in which I grew up

is a replica of the very first trout I ever caught

melted down to its original size.

[giggling]

[woman] You're a hot man, honey.

Hah! You're hot!

[whistling, applauding]

Definitely. I burned the house down.

I burned it down.

It's his house.

They're right there. Say hi, Mike.

That's my stepdad.

There's my lovely mommy. Yeah.

And the trout, it started off right about here,

and then it melted down to pretty much its original size.

If you guys want to go and see it, you can.

It's mounted at my mommy and Mike's new house in Florida.

You're going to have to go by yourself because,

as you can guess, yeah, I'm not invited.

[laughter, applause]

You can put your shoes back on now because I'm out of here.

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Good night.

♪ I need a hero

♪ I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night ♪

Uh, how does comedy pay, Jeff?

You know, it doesn't really pay all that well.

I know what you're thinking. You don't have to worry.

I'm going to pay you back for the yacht and the house

and all the things you don't even know about.

- I got a new job. - Oh?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna keep this one.

Well!

I got something I think you're gonna like.

Take the bricks, put them in that bin.

Glass, yellow bin. Metal in the blue bin.

Thank you, Lenny.

You're my mentor. I take care of you, okay?

But get moving 'cause I want to get to the Kick Starters meeting by 7:30.

You got it.

Whoo!

I don't know if I'll ever amount to anything in life,

if I'll ever be able to overcome my learning disabilities,

but I'm going to try to take care of the details.

I also decided that before I get too old or before I'm institutionalized

that I might as well make an effort

at tackling a learning disabled person's biggest nightmare:

to captain a boat.

[Lynn] Jeff!

Captain!

I tried calling you.

For once, your phone wasn't shut off.

Your landlord told me that I could find you here.

Look. I found this mixed in with Terry's boating things.

They published your letter to the editor.

Wow.

They didn't change anything.

Not even the mistakes.

Is that mine?

I honestly don't know.

Wow.

That's great either way.

I would love to be a father or a stepfather.

I got a lot of experience with my own.

Jeff, I wanted to talk to you.

I left Terry.

Great.

Do you want to go fishing? I got an extra rod.

The open sea is a perfect place to chat.

Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea.

It's not just me anymore.

Right. Good point.

Do you want to fish off the dock?

- Okay. - All right.

Wow. Victory. It's a nice boat.

♪ Another night The stars are bright ♪

♪ But I know things just aren't quite right ♪

♪ I'm sad and blue

♪ Oh, please, Mr. Moon

♪ Oh, won't you bring to me soon ♪

♪ A love that's, oh, so true

♪ Got a whole lotta love in my heart ♪

♪ But no one to give it to

♪ Waiting for you

♪ Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you gonna come on through ♪

[Jeff] By the way, you want a cup of coffee?

♪ Every day that passes by

♪ Another tear falls from my eye ♪

♪ I'm not too strong

♪ So no matter where you are beyond the land or sea afar ♪

♪ Oh, please don't take too long ♪

♪ Anticipating your sweet love ♪

♪ I am waiting to get all your kisses true ♪

♪ Waiting for you

♪ Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you gonna come on through ♪

♪ You can't miss me, darlin'

♪ I'll be so easy to find

♪ Standing here, reaching up

♪ With my arms open wide

♪ You'll know me by my lonely eyes ♪

♪ It won't be hard to recognize me ♪

♪ You will see

♪ A girl who's standing all alone ♪

♪ With no sweet man to call her own ♪

♪ So hurry, please

♪ I've got a whole lotta love in my heart ♪

♪ But no one to give it to

♪ Waiting for you

♪ Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you gonna come on through ♪

♪ Waiting for you

♪ Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you gonna come on through ♪

♪ Just waiting for you

♪ Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you gonna come on through ♪

♪ Waiting for you

♪ Oh, Mr. Love Man when you gonna make it true ♪

♪ Waiting for you

♪ Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you gonna come on through ♪

[Announcer] All right, here we go. We have your next act.

What can I say about this funny guy? Funny man.

You probably saw him on the Luggage Channel.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Nichols, everybody. Jeff Nichols!

This guy looks like Rain Man and Forrest Gump on crack, don't I, a little bit?

I sound like Rudy Giuliani on Nyquil, don't I, a little bit?

I'm a friggin' mess. My life is a disaster,

I should've been out of this business like before I walked on stage.

How you doin'? All right.

I subbed for years, five years in the Bronx.

I taught school in the Bronx and Queens.

I taught in-- You gonna call my bluff?

No. I taught in like a lot of them 'cause I sucked.

I sucked.

True. The first day of school, I went to the principal.

I go to the principal. I go, "I'm a comic. I drive around.

What wisdom can I impart to these kids?

What can I possibly teach these kids?"

She goes, "Don't worry, just teach the kids what you know,

what you're good at."

First day of school, everyone: "Today, kids,

we're gonna learn how to stare at women 'til they get uncomfortable."

[laughter]

"Today, kids, we're going to learn to have an anxiety attack."

Closed-captions by CAPTION FILES www.captionfiles.com