Original subtitles

Yeah,

my brother Caleb is visiting. I know. It was a surprise to me, too.

But he and Melissa really hit it off last time he was here. And when she

out he was coming to Philly to apply for personal training jobs, she invited him

to come stay with us.

In my room.

In my bed.

I miss my bed.

Good morning, sunshine.

You hungry?

Scrambled eggs and smiley face pancakes?

Uh -huh. What is this, Edvin?

Where are my pancakes?

Oh, yeah, sorry, I ran out of batter. But I threw the first one in the trash

you wanted to dig it out. I still don't understand why Caleb can't sleep in the

guest room. I told you, because the guest rooms forget Caleb's family.

Well, do you think that maybe, um, Jacob could come to my room later?

Because, well, I, like, I rearranged the furniture and made a really sweet fort.

You can have whoever you want for company at your room. No, it's not.

No, it's not. I pay rent. You all are

doing

so well and you did excellent on these tests.

So now we are moving on to explore the deep blue sea.

Things are really good.

I'm down to 37 students because I lost a few at the mall.

Not lost, lost.

Lost because they transferred to other schools.

I mean, I'm so sad about it.

I miss them so much.

So who can tell me, what is the largest body of water on Earth?

You need to be more specific.

You see what I did there?

Hey, Janine, you having a good day?

Yeah, yes.

Excellent. So things going well?

They are.

You enjoy life.

Thanks for asking. Actually, I am. Not anymore.

Come on in, y 'all.

Um, Ava, who are these children?

Oh, these are transfers from McDowell Elementary.

Remember they stole our construction crew and then we stole them back so we

could get out of that mall?

Yeah. Well, their floor collapsed and then the city condemned their school, so

here you go. Okay, but I'm already at 37 students, so five more is going to put

me at... 42!

That is correct, Constance. Great job!

Good luck, girl.

No.

Ava...

Everything okay, bud? Staring at that coffee maker like it just broke your

heart. Yeah, I forgot to put in a new pod.

It's fine. I'm just going to drink the leftover groundwater.

Good God, woman. Why not just brew a new cup? Whoa.

Gross. I don't have the energy.

My class is off the walls. What is the word for over -overwhelmed? In English

Polish? Swanked?

Crushed? Distressed?

I just can't believe Ava dumped all those extra kids on you.

Oh, and you've got your Lisa in your class.

That little girl alone has enough energy to power a small city. Her parents are

actually getting her tested for ADHD soon, so there might be an explanation

that. But she's not even the problem. The problem is the sheer volume of

children. And also the children's volume.

Anyway, I am now off to the basement to see if I can find more desks.

You know, I'm glad Jaleesa's getting tested.

Yeah, me too.

Maybe she can get some medication for that. I just hope they really test her

don't just throw a pill at her the way they used to. Oh, yeah. Remember the

They were tossing out Ritalin like Skittles to kids who didn't raise their

before talking.

It was just easier to find a one -size -fits -all shortcut.

Mm -hmm. That's right. Sometimes I don't even know if we need medication.

Mm -hmm. I have ADHD, and if taking medication for it is a shortcut, then

shortcut I choose every day.

You guys think I can pull that off?

No. No.

Why not?

You don't have the gas.

Alan Cumming, on the other hand, stunning.

You know what? None of his outfits really do it for me. They're all just so

loud. We get it.

It seems like he's trying so hard.

And I know it sounds crazy, but that is when Elijah and I fell in love with

honky -tonk.

Jacob, enough with the honk -tonk.

Gregory and Melissa are up next on the P .E. rotation.

All right. Wait, wait, wait. We still need a gym teacher.

My brother Caleb's looking for a job. I mean, he was hoping to get hired to

reflate the rock, but I bet he would do this. I have so many other priorities

before I hire a gym teacher.

Like leaving this conversation.

Yeah, stop trying to whizzle your way into Ada's inner circle. It's just me

her against the world.

I mean, guys, don't you think Caleb would kill it? Didn't he actually kill

Melissa's uncle?

No, no, he just didn't know how to check for a pulse, and so he wrongly

pronounced him dead. But he's learned. He's grown. Okay, listen, I love Caleb

like he's my son. But the thing about teaching PE is you've got to be a coach

these kids. You've got to treat them like tiny little players on a tiny

football team so you can get the most out of their tiny little bodies. Yeah, I

think we can handle it until we get a real replacement.

I mean, not to brag, but I'm someone that would gym shark myself.

Never met a leg dad in, like... Then accept my squat challenge.

No. I've seen Mr. J's quadriceps.

Ain't no joke.

If he were to beat me, that would damage my impression of myself, and I'm not

risking that.

And that's when you tell the one, oh, you carry.

Hold that. I dropped my pen.

Drop your pen.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't know what they do in your other school, but this

classroom is a no -flip zone, okay?

Where did you get that? My quiver.

Duh.

Stop aiming that at me. Stop walking where I'm aiming.

You pick something to stare at, and then you just kind of throw your body into

the air. Cool.

No, no, no, no flipping, especially you, Maddie. You have a low center of

gravity. You can't handle it. No.

I need a teacher's aid.

What did you say?

You need a teacher's aid. Get your sweaty palms off my desk.

Why do you need an aid? You can't handle a couple more kids?

No, I can't. Okay, a couple of kids.

Just sent it over the tipping point, and now they are out of control. I need

help. You can say that again.

I'll see what I can do before you flip out. Why would you say flipping?

Nobody's flipping.

This is why I need a goodbye sign.

Get out of my office, widow.

And tomorrow we will learn about one of the worst sequels ever made, World War

II.

Hey, you got a minute?

Yeah.

I could use some advice.

Who?

Sit. Let me share my wisdom.

I don't want to make a big thing of this, but that conversation in the

yesterday, I can't shake it. I totally hear you, 100%, on the same page.

But what are you talking about?

Well, you know Mrs. Howard and Mr. Menti were talking, and Mrs. Howard shared

some opinions that didn't sit right with me, because I'm that way.

So it was a little offensive.

Oh, my God. I didn't realize you were... Well, I am.

I caught Barb's microaggression when she called Alan Cumming loud.

I didn't know anybody else had.

My gaydar clearly needs a tune -up because it did not go off at all.

It's so nice to finally have another queer teacher at the school.

I don't like to talk about it. It's just, I don't think Mrs. Howard really

the struggle.

No, she does not. And it was hard hearing her being so flippant about it.

you, brother.

Do they talk like that often? You know, it's sad I barely even notice anymore.

Does anyone else know?

No. You're the only person I've told that happened. Well, what about your

family? How did they handle it? They kind of knew all along.

Explained a lot.

Well, I promise it gets better.

It has.

Yeah. See, you get it. But, you know, if it's bothering you, you could talk to

Barbara. I don't know.

I don't want to rock the boat.

You know what?

Why don't I talk to her?

I will leave your name out of it.

Sometimes I can be so subtle, it's like I said nothing at all.

There's always some struggle with you. Is that what you came in here to say?

Yes. And also, good news, I got you an aide. Oh, in fact, I got you the best

aide this district has to offer.

She's multi -talented, multi -faceted, multi -award -winning, holder and

defender of the best teacher's aide certificate three years and counting.

no. Ashley Garcia!

Oh, oh.

I'm mad.

I'm mad. Where are your shoes?

Why don't you just go introduce yourself to the students while I just talk with

Ava real quick?

Okay, good idea. Put your shoes on.

Hey, everyone.

I'm Miss Garcia, and I hope you're thirsty because I'm a cool A.

She's a cool A.

Ava, I asked you for help. Not a 43rd student.

Well, she's the only aid available, so take her or leave her. I'd like to leave

her, please. Well, you can't. See, this is why I never help you. I already

filled out the paperwork, and you need to be careful what you beg for.

What do you want me to do? Send out another email?

Come on, Miss Teens. You've got to get in on this.

No, no. Can you stop? You know what that means.

Are you sitting or are you leaning?

Leaning. Come on.

Sit like you mean it.

Really sit into it.

Knees 90 degrees.

Core activated.

Feel that burn. Feels good, doesn't it?

No.

You call that the brotherly shove?

What is that? It is fort.

And two, make the playoffs.

Can we play a normal game like tag?

You want to play tag instead of practicing the most effective play in

history of football?

Now get to tush pushing.

Come on. The last 30 seconds are the most rewarding. Do not stop now.

We're getting to the end of the rainbow.

May I have a word with you?

Please, come in. I want to talk to you about something you said the other day

when you were talking to Melissa.

I just want to encourage you to be a little more thoughtful when you speak

to consider the people around you. To whom and what are you referring?

I am not at liberty to say.

Well, Jacob, if I wanted to read a mystery novel, I would go to the

please leave. I have gold stars to distribute.

Look, just be careful what you say and who you say it around, especially when

Bicon Alan Cumming is involved.

I do not understand what it is you are talking about.

If I agree with you, will you go away?

Absolutely wonderful.

Thank you.

Have a seat, please.

Guys, what is with the paper?

Do you mind keeping it down in here? Some of us are trying to work. Not me,

some of us.

Well, this isn't working.

Ashley is making things worse.

Oh, no, this is an invitation for you to complain. Figure it out.

Okay, guys.

If you want to calm them down, I know a trick.

I mean, by all means, Ashley, your help is welcome at any time.

Except for now, who is that and why am I looking at him?

It's about Walter Hauser.

As Richard Jewell from the movie Richard Jewell?

Look, if you just hold up this picture of him, the kids will be quiet. It works

every time. Ashley, I've been teaching for a very long time now, so I'm not

exaggerating when I say that it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Look,

been three years since you saw me. I've learned a lot, watched a lot of movies.

I'm a three -peat eight of the year with a thousand followers on Letterboxd. Do

you think those things aren't related?

All right, here's what we're going to do. Let's put the classroom into two,

okay? You take the left side, I'll take the right side. I said you take the left

side. Oh, you meant left, Martha. I thought you meant stage left.

I bet I did.

Proper stretching prevents injury, okay? But focus up.

Where are y 'all going?

Let's go.

Jacob and Caleb, what are you doing here?

So, I overheard some students saying that they weren't having the most

time in gym class.

No, you heard wrong, because they love this class.

No, we hate it. She hates everything.

Look, I just thought maybe you could use some help. I'm sorry about Caleb. Maybe

he could take the wheel for a little bit. Look, I know you guys look at me

you just see a ripped TikTok trainer, but I'm more than that. I was also a

ripped camp counselor for five years and a ripped junior trainer in the kid zone

in my last gym.

I can do it.

Just give the boy a chance. Come on, put me in, coach.

Okay, here, fine.

The place we're working on, Blitzel, good luck.

Start with seven sets of Bulgarian split squats, okay? Oh, play nice.

Attention! Fitness groups!

Who's ready to have some fun, huh?

Fun? Yeah, physical education is not supposed to be fun. Yeah, man, it's

supposed to make you hate your life.

It's nothing sacred anymore.

And then reach up.

Very good, very good.

Okay, keep that going. I'll be right back.

Hey!

What do you guys think? How am I doing out there?

I mean, it's not what I would have done, but the kids do seem to be enjoying

themselves. Yeah, you are weirdly good at this. Why?

What is your secret? It's my job.

Kids don't need to burn as many calories or gain muscle mass like adults do. I

knew that.

Plus, you know what? They actually like these activities.

That little girl's asleep.

No, no. That's called corpse pose. It's great for recovery.

Oh, wait. No. No, yeah, she's asleep.

Also great for recovery.

Bye, y 'all. Enjoy your lunch.

Hey, Dom.

What's up?

So, I had a very productive conversation with Barb.

It's just that generation, you know? Thanks, man.

It just gets to me sometimes.

Like, what if she said something like that to a student?

Exactly. But, um, she heard me, and don't worry, I did not tell her you were

gay. Okay, good.

Uh, why would you?

No, I would never. It is your truth to share.

It's not, though.

Yeah, no, I get it.

It wasn't easy for me to come out either, but you are not alone.

I'm also not gay.

Yeah, okay, I just feel like we're going backwards here, man.

You know, I already know, remember?

You told me. No, I didn't, because I'm not gay. Is this what you talked to Mrs.

Howard about?

No, or rather yes, but kind of no.

So, if you're not gay, what made you uncomfortable in the lounge?

I have ADHD.

Gay -D -H -D?

No.

Straight D -H -D.

Damn. I take medication for it, and it really helps me.

So when Mrs. Howard said... Stuff like that is part of the reason why

is still stigmatized.

Well, first of all, thanks for sharing that with me. You're welcome. Second, we

might have a bit more work to do with Barb, but I can circle back, and I can

pretend to get a call from my pharmacist. You know what, man? Thank

much for all your help.

I'll take it from here.

OK.

I learned two years ago that much like a slice of cheese being thrown on a

crying baby's head, Paul Walter Hauser as Richard Jewell in Richard Jewell

disorients the mind of anyone under 12 years old into complete silence.

Trust me.

Hey, Ashley.

Shh. We're reading.

It was me.

Can you make this quick? I'm getting to the good part.

Okay.

I owe you an apology.

And I think you, like the FBI, owe Richard Jewell an apology.

Yeah, I owe you both an apology.

I learned a lot in my first years of teaching, and I shouldn't have assumed

you wouldn't have done the same.

Thank you.

Yeah. Thank me.

Thank you.

Of course, girl. What else y 'all want to talk about?

How Janine's getting worse at teaching?

How she's lying about being short?

When is holding up a picture of a white man ever stop me?

Think about it. Why would she need those big -ass feet if her body's really

small?

Mrs. Howard, can we talk?

Sure, what's on your mind?

Well, it's not something I usually talk about, so it's kind of difficult for me

to articulate.

Sweetheart, if you could just pick up the pace a bit, please. I have a dinner

date with my new grandbaby.

Well, the other day in the lounge, something that you said bothered me.

Why is everybody talking in riddles, and what am I saying?

I'm not good at the first one, and I don't remember the second.

It was about ADHD.

Oh.

I have ADHD.

I was diagnosed in middle school.

You were always a rambunctious student, but I had no idea.

Yeah, my doctor actually suggested medication, but because of the stigma

it, I didn't want to try it. It wasn't until college where I finally decided to

give it a shot. Got a prescription.

It really helped me.

And it still does.

I'm happy that you took action for yourself.

Thank you.

I worry that calling it a shortcut might make some of the students feel ashamed.

First of all, I'm sorry if I made you feel anything less than good, Dominic.

That is the last thing that I would want, and I promise you, in the future I

will be more careful about how I use my words.

I really appreciate that, Mrs. Howard.

All right.

Anything else?

I'm not gay. See you later.

Okay.

You got the first graders playing freeze tag to practice balance.

You got middles or hula hooping for focus and endurance. You got the big

doing yoga for flexibility.

I'm so proud of myself for being right.

Hell yeah, little buddy.

That's that confidence we're talking about.

Listen, Ava, I know he's my son.

Literally not.

The kid is undeniable. He's got to hire him. I only do that because I hire for

black people. Plus, he doesn't have his proper credentials.

You didn't have a single credential when you started here, right? That worked

out?

Kind of.

Sort of.

Eventually, I mean, we're getting there.

Thanks, Tag.

You're the best, Coach C.

No, you're the best, Lonnie.

Get in there. Look at that.

You have to hire him.

My God, okay.

But only part -time. And he has to get all his credentials.

The tattoo is just running a mile and learning how to blow a whistle. Hey, now

I'll get my room back.

Maybe I'll never get my room back.

Now, the mini zen garden is great for focus. Okay.

And the lava lamp is really good. Let me get that one.

Mood regulation.

Close. But no.

It just enhances grooviness.

Wow. You really thought of everything.

It is amazing how locked in you are. I know. Ashley, come on.

My algorithm overheard O'Shawn talking about software deployment, and now it

thinks I'm an army wife.

I need you to reset it. How many videos can you watch in an hour? You wouldn't

believe me if I told you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Ashley.

We're in the middle of something important. Sorry, girl. You know I'm

deeply unserious.

Duty calls.

Okay, at least tell me what the hot thought does.

Sprinkle it by the door.

You'll see.

I have no idea what it does.

But, maybe like me, it'll prove itself.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I don't know, but we're about to find out.

I'll clean it up.

Sorry.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

help you God?

Yes. Sir, you do this for all the new hires?

Uh -huh. Standard protocol.

First question.

What's your full name?

Caleb Whitney Hill.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah.

Interesting.

Where do you live?

At Jacob's house.

Sorry, at Melissa's house. Which one is it at Jacob's house? I mean, at

Melissa's house.

Earlier today, you and I did a squat challenge.

Who won by landslide?

I did.

You did, sir. You did, sir.

You're damn right I did.

Nate Bergeski hosts an all -new episode of The Greatest Average American,

starting right now on ABC.