Original subtitles

[ROCK MUSIC]

Yes, honey, I have got it right here.

No, no, don't worry. I will.

All right, sweetheart. Bye.

- Bianca or Nicole? - Bianca.

Frantic about her book report.

Oh, yeah, "A Wrinkle In Time."

I... I mean, we worked really hard on that.

[HORN HONKS]

She forgot it last night when Pauline picked her up,

and it is due this afternoon.

Damn it, I have got a breakfast in Tribeca in a half hour.

Go. I can drop it off at school.

You're already late. I got it.

I don't deserve you.

[LAUGHS]

Bye.

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[GASPS]

Oh, come on, climate change. It was 68 degrees yesterday.

[EXHALES]

Oh, God, do I not have a coat here?

This'll do.

This is for Bianca Brooks.

She's in Ms. Wong's fifth grade class.

If you just point me in the right direction,

I can drop it off for her.

We can't actually let you do that

since you're not the registered parent.

- Oh. - Bianca can pick it up

- from the office at lunch time. - Oh, that sounds right.

Thank you so much.

Um, excuse me?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Pauline, hi. I wasn't expecting to see you.

- Is that why you wore my coat? - [GASPS]

Oh, my God, I... I...

there was the recent weather patterns, and I just...

- Relax, Liza, I'm kidding. - [EXHALES]

It suits you.

Isn't this just lovely?

Bianca mentioned that she had two mommies.

Yeah, no, Mrs. Klepper,

Liza here is Charles's girlfriend, not...

- Oh. - Good-bye, Pauline.

Another successful interaction for the books, I think.

[LAUGHS]

- Look, Liza, wait. - Oh, my God.

No, no, no, it's freezing. Please, keep it.

Consider it an olive branch.

But now that the divorce negotiations

are more or less behind us,

can't we all behave like grown-ups?

- Is this a ceasefire? - Yes.

And my girls love you.

Ooh, you know what?

You should be on the pick-up list, don't you think?

Wow, um... yes, I do think. You do think?

- I mean, are you sure? - Yes.

Mrs. Klepper, can we register Liza?

She'll be around for the long haul.

Of course, Pauline.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I should have froze instead of wearing that coat.

I'd have gotten hypothermia, but maybe I would have died,

and none of this would have happened.

But it does not do to dwell on dreams.

Dumbledore?

- The girls are on book three. - [LAUGHS]

And don't worry about Pauline.

- It seems the worst is over. - Is it?

Because somehow, I got roped

into having lunch with her tomorrow.

[COUGHS]

You're joking. How, why?

All good questions. Moral of the story,

I think I need to start keeping

a spare of everything at your place.

Or maybe you should just move in.

- What? - No, not maybe.

You should move in.

Are you asking me to shack up at the coffee machine?

Why not? I just think

if you're going to keep one coat at my place,

why not keep them all there?

Why not start every morning waking up together?

- Why not? - Is that a yes?

- I'll think about it. - Charles?

Can I have a word?

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

Don't overthink.

♪ ♪

I've got big news,

and I wanted to share it with you first,

since I am your work wife.

Just your work wife, of course,

despite the salacious gossip in the bull pen.

I'm going to be someone's real wife.

- I'm engaged to Enzo. - That's wonderful, Diana.

Congratulations.

Do I have your blessing, Charles?

Sure.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS]

It was spontaneous, so there's no ring yet.

People won't know unless it's announced.

And of course, I can't announce it.

That's like lighting your own birthday candles.

Would you like me to announce it, Diana?

Oh, Charles,

you've always been able to read me like a book.

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Okay, first order of business:

- The Debutante Ball. - I'm sorry, what?

I could have sworn you just said "debutante ball."

I did, yes.

"Publisher's Weekly" throws this big party

every year where first-time authors

are escorted by their mentors into publishing society.

It's corny, but...

But it is the event of the season.

Remember when Maureen Dowd

and Jennifer Egan wore the same dress?

I swear, it affected book sales.

Listen, it's a big press op,

and we're missing our debutante.

First time authors. Why not Jake Devereux?

- Hard pass. - Quinn doesn't want to do it?

Seems right up her alley.

She's busy on the campaign trail, thank God.

What about the notorious PTB?

Could you please use your words?

Pauline Turner Brooks.

I know we lost her upcoming sequel,

but nothing sold better than "Marriage Vacation" last year.

Well, I could ask her.

I'm having lunch with her tomorrow.

Oh, okay. That's pretty big news.

Not that big. Makes sense.

Former author and editor reunite.

It seems downright ordinary.

I believe we have even bigger news today.

Isn't that right, Charles?

We do? We do!

Everyone, uh... Diana is getting married.

- What? - You are?

- To who? - It's "to whom,"

and his name is Enzo DeLuca.

Oh, Diana DeLuca. Well, it's better than Trout.

I'm keeping Trout.

Yay!

This is exciting! I'm so excited!

Why aren't you excited?

Liza, please deactivate yourself.

First, planning, then excitement.

Okay, well, I am here to help.

Good, but I will make all the arrangements,

and you just make yourself useful

- on the day of. - The day of?

What's left to do on the day of?

Well, helping me get dressed, running interference,

with my harrowing new gaggle of in-laws.

That kind of thing.

You mean, like, maid of honor stuff?

If you want to promote yourself to that, fine.

Diana, I would love to be your maid of honor.

You get one hug a year.

- And this is it. - Ah!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- Okay. - Okay, yay!

♪ ♪

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[DOOR OPENS]

- Are you baking? - Oh, I made your favorite.

Pecan pie and pinot noir. Sit.

Remember in "A Star Is Born"

when Jackson makes that steak for his dog?

This is giving me that kind of vibe.

Charles asked me to move in with him.

Oh, wow! Is that guilt pie?

- And wine. - Liza, you can unclench.

- I'm happy for you. - I know it's fast,

but it feels right.

It's a milestone. I've never lived with anyone.

You're my longest relationship. Well, you were.

You and I are not breaking up.

- I'm just going uptown. - Well, anything that requires

the 6 train is officially long distance.

I am going to miss you. Our wine nights,

binging "The Great British Bake-Off,"

paint fumes lulling me to sleep.

Oh, God, I am going to send you off

with a cheap thrills to-go kit. Don't you worry.

- Oh! - [SNIFFS]

You go call Charles and say yes.

I know you want to. All right?

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ Black lipstick, high drama ♪

- How is Kelsey doing... - So Nicole's getting...

- as publisher? - Really good at violin.

- Sorry. - No...

- Kelsey is killing it. - Oh!

It's new terrain, but we're trekking through it together.

I always admired your partnership,

and not only because it benefitted my book.

So how is life as a full-time author?

Honestly, I've been blocked on my sequel.

That surprises me. I felt like the last time

we saw each other, the words were just flowing out of you,

like a river or a tsunami.

Yeah, I was really hurt, and I was being vindictive.

But the truth is, I should have stayed at Millennial.

I should have stayed with you, Liza.

I mean, you were a dream editor.

You always knew how to get the best pages out of me.

In fact, maybe now that we're burying the hatchet...

You want my help.

Oh, if you could just read one or two chapters.

Liza, you understood me in a way my new editors don't.

- I need you. - Okay.

- I'll take a look. - Oh, thank you!

But I actually need a favor in return.

- Okay. - Millennial is invited

to PW's Debutante Ball tonight.

Oh, that soiree for first-time authors.

I know that it's totally last minute,

but would you be our deb?

Are you kidding? I'd be delighted.

- And I dance a mean waltz. - [LAUGHS]

Do you need to borrow a dress?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I'm extra ♪ - Hey, Liza.

I just wanted to share some news.

So a friend of mine from "The New Yorker"

is coming tonight, so we are going to be

the talk of the town, literally.

Okay, I'll see you tonight. Can't wait.

I think it's wonderful that you're so friendly

with your ex's girlfriend.

Oh, well, what are you going to do?

In my circles, men are always running off

with their 20-something assistants.

20-something? That woman isn't 20-anything.

- I don't know what you mean. - Well, I scanned her license

when she registered as a guardian.

- Sorry, I'm confused. - Well, I'm not supposed to

share this sort of information, but...

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Excuse me.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

I think this is so ridiculous, isn't it?

Yes, supes redic.

It's like prom for grown adults.

- So obviously, I am here for it. - Yeah, I wouldn't know.

I skipped my prom to go to a Danity Kane meet and greet.

- Kelsey. - I'm not proud.

Uh, yeah, I lost my virginity at prom, actually.

Well, most of it.

[CHUCKLES]

What about you? Prom king?

- How'd you know? - Oh, yeah, that tracks.

- Refill, please. - Yes, my queen.

- Prom king! - ♪ There goes my heart ♪

- Cheers. - Liza Miller?

We're lining up all the debutantes

and escorts backstage. Would you please follow me?

Of course. Save me a dance.

Hm.

Hi. Can I talk to you?

- Is everything okay? - [SCOFFS]

There's no easy way to say this,

but Liza is 42.

Did you hear me? I said that the woman

you're with has been lying to you and me

and everyone this whole time.

This isn't how I wanted you to find out.

What? You knew?

Charles...

I trusted her with our girls.

Mrs. Brooks, there you are. We need you backstage ASAP.

- You're up next. - I...

Oh, you look beautiful. I love the sash.

Introducing Pauline Turner Brooks,

author of the best-selling novel, "Marriage Vacation."

Arm in arm, please.

Pauline's escort tonight is Liza Miller,

editor at Millennial Print.

Pauline and Liza's partnership is a special one.

She's the only debutante who's mentor is the younger one.

What an incredible story.

Um, hello, everyone.

I was so looking forward to being here tonight

with my editor, Liza Miller,

who I put my absolute faith and trust in

as I was writing my first book.

Some of you know I've been working on a sequel,

and I have to admit, it's been hard

avoiding the sophomore slump.

Just found myself writing the most clichéd story.

The heroine, the long-suffering wife,

returns from a writing sabbatical only to find

that she's lost her husband to a young assistant.

I don't think it's any secret that my writing

is somewhat autobiographical.

So imagine how stunned I was to learn that the truth

is much more dramatic than anything

I ever could have written.

Because the truth is, the young assistant...

[TENSE MUSIC]

This assistant...

♪ ♪

Is not the 20-something she claims to be.

Liza Miller is 42 years old...

And she has been lying shamelessly

about who she is for years.

[INDISTINCT WHISPERS]

God, this woman is deranged.

Forgive me, Charles, but I cannot just stand by

and let her slander us like this.

- Diana, don't... - Pauline, you are the only

- shameless liar here. - Diana, wait...

You are a sad and petty person,

simply jealous of the person

that you ex-husband fell in love with.

How dare you? How dare you besmirch

this young, innocent woman's name?

Have you no decency?

We are officially withdrawing you as our debutante.

- Sash, please. - Diana, it's true.

It's all true.

[STIRRING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Diana, wait... - You stay the hell

away from me.

- Diana! - Hey, don't push it.

- Oh, my God, Diana! - Call 911.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Hey, I got here as quick as I could.

What's going on? Is she all right?

The doctor said it was a panic attack.

[EXHALES]

Okay, how's she doing?

We don't know. She won't let us see her.

[EXHALES]

[KNOCKING]

Hey, are you okay? What happened?

Oh, I'm... I'm fine.

I just lost trust in humanity as a whole.

But other than that, I'm fine. The Ativan is helping.

Liza has been lying about her age,

and everyone knew except me.

Really? Well, how old is she?

- She's 42. - Huh.

She looks good.

I... I just mean, she had me fooled, too.

Everybody knew, Enzo. Except me.

[LAUGHS]

I'm the laughingstock. I'm the village idiot.

I mean, how could I not see it?

It's like that old saying, you know?

If you smell a fish, and you look around the room

and you don't see a fish, you're the fish.

Look, Liza's outside. Why don't you talk to her?

No. No, I can't.

Just you.

Fine, I will talk to your lawyer.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Lawyer? What's that all about?

Pauline's furious.

She wants to revisit our custody agreement.

[EXHALES]

Well, now is not the time for me to move in.

- That'll only make things worse. - Liza, I am so sorry.

- What are you apologizing for? - She is my responsibility.

Pauline is the mother of my children.

I should have been honest with her about it from the start.

- You were just protecting me. - [EXHALES]

You guys should head home. She doesn't want to see anyone.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[PHONE BUZZES]

[PHONE CLICKS]

- Josh. - Did you...

did you just get back from Bergdorfs?

Hey, how's the weather up there?

- Is it different? - What are you talking about?

Rumor has it that you

are officially an Upper East Side lady now.

I'm not. I'm staying put.

I'm staying exactly where I am.

Hey. Liza, are you okay?

I made a mess of everything,

and this time, there's no going back.

I really... I just... I don't know what to do.

Well, do you want to talk about it?

- How much time you got? - However long you need.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

"The real stories that Millennial print

"aren't in their youth-buzzy books,

but behind the scenes." Nice.

There are so many ways we could have avoided this.

- So many! - This is a PR nightmare.

You know, this explains everything.

I mean, she doesn't have Snapchat,

she thought Four Loko was a rapper.

I saw her taking extra Splenda packets

from the diner and I thought she was just being quirky.

Listen, we need to do major damage control.

- Yes. - It's like we're cursed.

- My scalp's itching me. - No, Kelsey, no.

The good news is that Quinn already knows about Liza's age.

Oh, the silver lining's around here

just keep getting thinner.

Quinn knows. Oh, what about the interns?

Did they know before me, too?

- He hates me. - I'll talk to him.

Good morning, Ms. Miller.

- Lauren. - My parents raised me

to respect my elders.

Look, I know I have a lot of apologizing

to do around here, but there's somewhere I need to start.

Have either of you seen Diana?

Oh, yes, Diva's been in since 6:00 AM.

Ma'am.

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

Did you get fresh Botox, or...

Bye bye.

♪ ♪

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

Hello, Liza, if that's even your real name.

Lauren said you came in early.

Yes, I've been drafting your termination latter.

Of course. Diana, if you'll just

- let me explain. - What a charade this has been.

Hm? First Charles, now this.

I can't seem to keep up with all the lies that you've told.

You must have had a good time at my expense.

No, it wasn't like that at all.

What was it like, Liza?

It was really hard lying to someone I care about so much.

Diana, I owe so much to you.

You were the only person who wanted to hire me.

Well, I wouldn't have if I'd known.

Exactly. That's why I had to lie.

I saw this opportunity to work for you,

the biggest opportunity that I have ever had,

and I had to take my shot.

And my life opened up when I did.

You can't win the game without playing the game.

- You taught me that. - But for what, Liza?

I mean, I have been searching my mind for hours,

and for the life of me, I cannot come up

with one good answer to the question,

"What self-respecting adult would go to those lengths

for this job?"

To get me coffee and chopped salad?

To hand-stitch my pants? To clean out my bird cage?

To bring my urine sample to the doctor.

To... to... to hold my hand when I was alone on the red carpet?

To convince me to fight for Enzo when I chased him away.

Who would do that?

I mean, it couldn't have been just for the money.

Of course not.

I did all those things for you.

Well, maybe you did what you had to do.

And I can respect that.

You're lucky you hitched your wagon to a star.

But if we are going to forge forward,

honesty is the best policy. Is that clear?

- I couldn't agree more. - And one more thing.

You are no longer my maid of honor.

- I understand. - You're my old maid of honor.

[LAUGHS]

- That's very funny, Diane. - That's not a joke.

- Liza? - Yes.

I just want to say...

I... I need the numbers for the new releases.

[SOFT MUSIC]

I know that I can find it myself,

but I would prefer you to do it.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -