Original subtitles

Gabi, dinner tonight was amazing.

I am one lucky man.

Hmm! You're about to be.

I cannot wait to get into bed.

I can't wait for you to get in it either.

Does it get any better than this?

I know! I have a boss that I love, a boyfriend I love.

And I have a chef I love, and a girlfriend I love.

We're gonna need a bigger bed.

- I love you. - I love you more.

Mwah.

Good night, Gabi.

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

Mmm! Thank God you're home! I have huge news.

So do I.

Okay, well, remember how I said

I want to earn a little extra money?

Well, I got a job driving

at night for Crazy Car.

The ride-sharing company?

Don't they hire, like, anybody?

Let me have this.

Okay, I'm sorry.

It's just... something really weird

didn't happen with Josh.

Now we have to talk

about what didn't happen with him?

He got into bed, he told me he loved me,

and then he went to sleep.

- So, he was probably tired. - Yeah, of me!

That's ridiculous.

Did I mention that he kissed me good night...

on the forehead?

I mean, who kisses you on the forehead?

Your grandma, your piano teacher,

your gym teacher... after he gets fired.

It was one night. It doesn't mean anything.

Yes, it does! It means everything!

Sex is the way you know how a relationship is doing,

and if you're not doing it, it's doing bad!

Hello?

Hi, it's your roommate, Sofia.

Think we can get back to me now?

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

- Okay, hang up. - No, you hang up.

Oh my God, Josh and I used to do this all the time.

- Stop it! - I'm sorry!

Okay, so I don't have tons of money,

so what do you think I should get

to take care of my Crazy Car customers?

Uh, you mean like mints or water?

No, I mean, like, pepper spray or a gun.

I'm terrified.

Are you kidding me? You're Lil So-So. You can handle anything.

Well... Wait.

Are you just saying that so you can get back to you and Josh?

A little.

Gabi, your relationship is not "doing bad."

- It isn't? - No, he loves you!

- How do you know? - Because he told you he loves you.

Yeah, right before he didn't have sex with me.

Ugh. Will you stop, okay?

You'll probably go over there tonight

and have the best sex of your life.

Okay, okay. Enough of this.

Yay!

Less spreadsheets, more bedsheets!

Can I just say how much I love that you're spending every night here?

- Do you? - Are you kidding me?

It's the perfect way to end the day.

Aww. For me too. I love you.

I love you more. Mwah.

Two nights doesn't mean anything.

You said one night doesn't mean anything!

Now two nights doesn't mean anything?

Do you know what doesn't mean anything? Your crappy advice!

Okay. Gabi, it's 3:00 a.m.

- Where does Josh think you are? - He doesn't care!

He's sound asleep. It's like he doesn't even know what beds are for!

I knew it, Sofia. It-it... Josh and I finally got together,

and it's too good to be true.

I mean, it's over! This is the end of everything!

This is not the end of everything.

You haven't even talked to him about it yet.

Yeah, I can't talk to him about this.

I mean, it's a very sensitive area involving my sensitive area.

Well... even more reason for you to talk to him,

and by "him" I mean "not me."

Okay? So, I'm gonna drop you back off at Josh's,

you're gonna get into bed, and in the morning,

you can find out what the problem is.

Okay, fine, but first can we go through a drive-thru?

If Josh isn't gonna see me naked anymore,

I want a Double-Double Animal Style, fries and a shake.

Elliot, Elliot! Great news!

Bruno Mars just added a second show.

And you added a second chin.

We tried to get tickets for the first show,

and they sold out in a heartbeat.

Give it up. We're never getting Bruno Mars tickets.

Never.

Damn, you're a downer.

Maybe this virgin coffee will pick you up.

It's just called coffee, Yolanda.

Yours is.

Hey, guys.

Couldn't help but overhear you talking about concert tickets,

so this might be of interest to you.

I am this close to finishing an app

which allows regular people, like you,

the ability to purchase tickets as quickly as the brokers do,

so everyone's on the same, level playing field.

Oh my God. Can you get us into Bruno Mars?

Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut-tut.

Praise... then ask.

Oh my God, you're so smart and pretty. Can you get us into Bruno Mars?

The tickets are about to go on sale!

Genius.

Let's see what we can do...

...regular people.

Bruno Mars, Bruno Mars,

Bruno Mars!

All right.

And...

amazing Bruno Mars seats in three,

two, one!

Gah! It didn't work!

It didn't work? What do you mean it didn't work?

Damn it. I guess there's still some kinks in the app.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. You got us all pumped up for Bruno Mars,

then you let us down? Oh, this is "Uptown Funk'ed" up.

Yeah, the brokers snatched up every ticket...

except the wheelchair- accessible seats.

Um, uh, uh... What-what... what do you mean, wheelchair accessible?

Yeah, right in the front row.

- Hey, what are you guys doing? - Reading up on how to look injured

and whether or not you need proof.

- Oh. Taylor Swift tickets? - Bruno Mars.

Okay. All right. You can do this.

You can do this. I mean, how hard is it to say,

"Why are we not having sex" to your boyfriend?

Okay.

It's gonna work this time.

Here we go.

Come on.

Come on, you can do this.

Oh, you're almost there.

Gah!

Oh my God, Sofia.

I did what you said, I went in and I talked to Josh.

- What did he say? - Um, not much.

He kind of had his hands full.

At first I thought he was working,

but he was working it!

What are you talking about?

Don't make me say penis!

And I'm taking you off speaker.

- Gabi? - Oh God, I gotta go.

Oh, Gabi.

Thank God you are here.

Can you make me a protein shake?

I am drained.

Look, we need to talk.

I mean, can it wait? I gotta get back to this.

- You're gonna do it again? - Yeah.

I'm going to keep doing it until I hit the mother lode.

Okay, all right. Josh...

listen, I... I don't understand

why you're doing what you're doing,

- when I'm here. - What are you talking about?

Well, I'm your girlfriend now.

We should be doing all that kind of stuff together.

Um, Gabi, that's really cute,

and I'd love to explain to you all about my business...

but I'm a little frustrated right now,

so I need to do this alone, so I can focus.

Okay, well, if you're frustrated, maybe I can help you relax.

See? Isn't this relaxing?

- Oh. So relaxing. - Yeah?

Maybe even a little sexy?

Yeah.

Oh, right there.

That's it.

That's it.

I just figured out a new way to do it!

- You ready to do this? - Let's roll!

Hi!

I need some of those special front-row tickets to Bruno Mars, please.

As you can plainly see, my friend here was severely injured.

Very sad. Mountain-climbing accident.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Which mountain?

Splash Mountain.

Uh, yeah, he... fell off a mountain and splashed into a lake.

Really? What lake?

- Tahoe. - Erie.

- Michigan. - Ricki.

You are not injured.

You think you can just walk up

- to my box office... - I wish I could walk...

but until I heal, which the doctor said

won't happen until well after Bruno's tour is over,

no feeling below the waist.

No tickets unless you can prove it.

Uh, you want proof? Oh, you want proof?

I'll give you proof.

Why are you taking off your belt?

The woman wants proof that you have no feeling in your legs,

and once she sees that you don't react,

it will be proof.

See? There. He felt nothing. Tickets, please.

Are you serious? That was a love tap.

Was it? Well, let me try again.

- Ah! - Nothing.

How about that? Hmm?

I don't think so.

Okay, uh...

Well, one last time.

One last real hard time.

Come on, Elliot. If the woman thinks we're faking,

we're not gonna get into Bruno Mars!

You're right.

For the funk.

Here we go!

I... love Bruno Mars!

Well, if he wasn't injured before,

he is now. Here's your tickets.

Thank you.

That wasn't so hard.

I really can't feel my legs.

Wow. Most people just fill out this form.

Yes!

Yes!

Finally!

I did it.

Job... complete.

Yeah. I heard. Congratulations.

Thanks. That was the, uh...

that was the hardest it's ever been.

I'm gonna go grab a shower.

You know, even though I've done this a thousand times,

I still get that rush!

It's like a I'm a teenager back in my mom's basement,

doing it for the first time all over again.

Well, aren't you the luckiest girl in the whole world?

Home-wrecking bitch!

I did a bad thing.

What'd you do now?

- This. - Oh my God!

You destroyed his laptop? Why would you do that?

I'm not well.

And you wanna know why I'm not well?

The problem isn't that he's having sex with himself.

The problem is he's losing interest in me,

and when that happens, it is game over.

You have to tell me this is not the end of everything, Sofia!

I would, but it is. You're screwed.

No-ho-ho-ho-ho!

You gotta help me! Please, tell me what to do!

Do you want five stars? You want five stars?

Tell me what to do!

Okay, fine. We're gonna go back to Josh's,

you're gonna tell him you broke his computer,

and then you're gonna be honest about what you've been feeling.

Or-or-or... and this is just coming to me now, but it's really good...

I get the laptop fixed,

I sneak it back into his house, he has no idea that I broke it,

we hide all of our feelings from each other,

and then we have a normal relationship based on lies,

just like every other couple!

- You know what? You're right. - I am?

You're not well.

Ooh-hoo-hoo! I will have a glass of that.

I'm celebrating. I finished my app.

By the way, I figured out a way to get you

guys tickets to the next Bruno Mars show.

By the way, you're too late.

We already got 'em for tonight.

Really? How?

Rocket ship to Mars is ready for liftoff.

No way. You guys are posing as disabled people?

No, injured.

Elliot, get off that thing.

We'll use my app to get you tickets the honest way.

But they're not gonna be front row.

But, at least you'll be

able to look at yourself in the mirror.

How is that a plus for Elliot?

Where's my computer?

It was right here.

Yolanda, what'd you do with it?

Did you put it somewhere while you were cleaning?

The only thing I cleaned out today was your wine cellar.

Hi, I'm Gabi. I'm the one that called

about the computer that fell on the rolling pin.

- Wow. - Oh no. That bad?

You're the prettiest thing that's ever walked in here.

Oh. Thank you. Garrett, is it?

No one that pretty has ever said my name.

Oh. Garrett, do you think you could fix it right away, Garrett?

- For you, absolutely. - Mmm.

Well, how... how much do you think it'll be, Garrett?

Well, I'd have to open it up,

I'd have to examine the hard drive. I'd say a thousand bucks.

What? But I'm the prettiest thing that's ever walked in here!

I'm sorry, it's just that I... I don't

have anything close to a thousand bucks,

and if I don't get this fixed today my boyfriend is...

Boyfriend? Two thousand.

...gonna roll over in his grave.

Hello?

Oh my God, you gotta hide me.

Hide me, hide me.

Uh, hi.

Uh, I got a ping that my computer was here.

I'm not sure how it would've gotten here, but I just...

- I'm praying that you have it. - Oh, well,

the only computer that's come in today

is the one that a beautiful blonde brought in...

but she's long gone!

Blonde.

So, uh, tell me, Garrett,

did this blonde happen to have...

Blue eyes, dazzling smile,

and a body I'd like to Photoshop anime tentacles on.

Yeah. Thought so.

OKAY, SO HERE'S THE DEAL: My girlfriend...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're her boyfriend?

She said you were dead!

Oh my God, is that my computer?

What happened to this thing?

Oh, please work.

Oh, thank God it powered on.

I mean, why... Why would she do this?

Look, I... I think the better question is,

what did you do that would drive her to do this?

Me?

I didn't do anything! She did this!

She's obviously sick!

- I'm sick? - Gah!

Well, if I'm sick, it's only because you made me sick.

Why did you destroy my computer?

Oh, you really wanna know, Josh? You really wanna know?

I really wanna know.

I'd also like to know.

Fine! We've been having sex every night

since we've been in a relationship,

and suddenly you just stop?

And I try to be the mature one and come and talk to you about it,

and what do I find? The reason you're not having sex with me!

It's because you're having sex with you!

What does that even mean?

Masturbating. She caught you masturbating.

- No, she did not! - Oh, don't play innocent.

I saw you, Josh. I saw you.

I walked in your office and you were all,

"Oh, do it, do it. So close, almost there."

I was working on my app.

Is that what you were doing, Josh, really?

Is that really what you were doing?

I... I was not... I wasn't...

Masturbating. He's saying he wasn't masturbating.

Josh, I was standing right behind you.

I saw your hand going all kinds of up and down.

Did it happen to look like this?

Hold on one second.

Okay, do it again.

Oh my God.

- What did I tell you? - Okay, I'm really sorry, but...

I mean, you could see how I would think that, you know?

Hey, it totally looked like that from here.

- It was not that! - Okay, so it wasn't that,

but that doesn't change the fact that you're not having sex with me.

What are you talking about? We have sex all the time.

Yeah, not last night or the night before!

- So? - "So?" Why?

I mean, what is it, Josh?

Uh... I mean, is it me? Are you not attracted to me anymore?

Are you bored with me?

How could anyone...

ever possibly be bored with you?

Well, I think... I mean, I'm fun, I'm passionate.

Yeah, I'm always getting into some kind of trouble.

Okay, but... what is it then, Josh?

- I mean, why is our relationship over? - It's not.

Gabi, the reason why we didn't have sex the last couple nights

is 'cause I was tired... from working.

Why, all of the sudden, are you thinking like this?

I mean, we were doing so great.

Yeah, I know. It's just...

when you stopped having sex with me,

I started freaking out. We're finally in a real relationship,

and we've just screwed up so many times, I don't want it to be over.

Gabi, just because we don't have sex for couple of nights,

doesn't mean our relationship's over.

You gotta stop waiting for that other shoe to drop.

- It's not going to. - How do you know?

Because... you're stuck with me.

I'm not going anywhere.

- Oh. You're not? - No.

- I love you, Gabi. - I love you too.

Oh, yay! Not on the forehead.

All right, come on. Let's get out of here. I'll fix this at home.

Can you believe I thought you were bored with me?

- How could I be bored with you? - That's what Sofia said!

Oh great, you told Sofia.

I'll tell you who is masturbating tonight.

Can I just say something?

I think pretending to be injured just to go

to a concert is immoral and disgusting.

And easy.

Haven't you guys ever heard of karma?

Like when you do something bad and then something bad happens to you?

You mean like having to take a second job at night,

driving strangers around in your car?

And you know what's weird?

I don't even feel bad about this.

- Me either. - And You know why?

Because we have been screwed over our whole lives.

Yeah.

You're an overweight divorced maid,

who's amounted to absolutely nothing.

Exactly.

And you're a squat, sweaty, unbearable man

who is despised by everyone he meets.

Right?

We deserve this. For once, the little man

and the big woman get to be in the front row...

and maybe even meet Bruno Mars.

Meet Bruno? Oh, if we're gonna meet Bruno,

I'm gonna need a little perfume.

A little?

Is that vanilla musk?

Don't mind if I do.

Wait! No, no, no, Yolanda! That's my...

...pepper spray.

- My face! - Rerouting to hospital.

Good thing I didn't get the gun.