All language subtitles for Vicar of Dibley S01E01 Arrival

# The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want

# He maketh me
To lie down in green pastures

# He leadeth...

# He leadeth me

# Beside the still waters

# Still waters... #

..The wrath of the King
was mighty and knew no bound.

They did leave that country
and did with heavy heart return
unto Japheth and Gad.

Here ends the lesson.

Let us pray.

Dear Lord, we ask Thee to bless
all the members of this,
Thy congregation.

And we especially ask you
to remember the Queen

who's been having trouble
with her piles again,

and Mrs Sinclair-Wilson
and all her family.

..Mrs Sinclair-Wilson who's been
having trouble with her piles again,

and the Queen
and all her family. Amen.

May you grant them happiness
in this world and in the next,

peace everlasting. Amen.

Amen.

We now sing hymn number...16.

"The day Thou gavest, Lord,
has ended."

# The day Thou gavest, Lord,
is ended

# The darkness falls
at Thy behest... #

Are we all here? Yes, perfectly.

Not CAN we all hear,
ARE we all here? I'm sorry.
Yes, all except Mr Newitt.

Let's go on. Newitt's always late.

Right, I call this meeting of
the Dibley Parish Council to order.

David Horton in the chair,
Frank Pickle taking minutes.
Shall I minute that, sir?

What? About my taking the minutes.
Do you normally minute it? I'd
like to. Then do it again. Thanks.

We start with the tragic death
of Reverend Pottle.

He's been a great servant to Dibley
ever since his arrival
as a young-ish man in 1917.

Happy days. We remember especially
fondly his famous Christmas sermon

which I think we all know by heart.

He'll be sadly missed.
Hear, hear! Anything to add?

No, no, no, no, no.
Yes, just one thing,
if that's all right. Yes, fire away.

No, no, no, but I thought
maybe we should mention the marrow.

And what marrow's that?

He come second in
the marrow-growing contest in 1956.

Bravo. Excellent, we'll include that.
Anything else?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's "no", is it?

No, no, NO. Yes.

Right, moving on... Sorry I'm late.
That's OK, Owen, we've just begun.

Bladder's playing up. Spent so long
in the stables' toilet, I'm gonna
send out change-of-address cards.

Yes, thank you, Owen.

Last week was the Village
of the Year Competition,

and I've thanked Buckingham Palace
for Prince Edward's visit. Shame.

Pardon? I've nothing against Prince
Edward, but I don't trust bald men.

I'm surprised we don't start
with the Reverend's death. We dealt
with that before you arrived.

Oh. Moving on... Perhaps you'd like
me to read the minutes back to you.

We needn't waste the whole evening
because of Owen's dodgy waterworks.

Shall I minute that?
No, thank you. Right...

Shall I leave a gap, then?
Whatever you think, Frank.

It won't flow very well.
Frank, you are the parish clerk,
not Lord Tennyson!

Right, I'm sorry, everyone,
for that rather annoying interlude.

Let's move on to the question
of Reverend Pottle's successor...
Are you sure about that? What?

You described Prince Edward's visit
as an annoying interlude.

I certainly did not! Yes, you did.
I cut that jolly interesting bit

about Owen's bladder. Now it reads,
"So much for Prince Edward's visit.

"And if we can move on from that
rather annoying interlude." Oh, God!

I've a worrying feeling in my colon.
Um... Yes?

Nothing.

Would you like that minuted?
I suppose so.

Excellent.

"Then Mrs Cropley said nothing."

Moving on, I have of course asked
the Bishop for someone younger
than Rev Pottle. Yes, please!

It'd be hard to find anyone older
without recruiting a member
of The Rolling Stones!

Right, if we could quickly move on
to the planning applications

which I think you'll find
on pink 7A.

The Herberts want a new barn -
rejected. The Franklins want
a new kitchen - rejected.

And my son Hugo here
is putting up a conservatory
which I think should be fine.

Somewhere for the pool table.
Any other business?

Definitely not. We meet again
in a fortnight. Got that, Frank?

Yes. "..Without actually recruiting
a member of The Rolling Stones."

What comes next?

We'll be able to get
this village going again.

At last year's fete Pottle gave the
prize for Best Carrot to a cucumber.

Yes, but the Bishop of Oxford
deserved first prize
in the fancy dress contest.

For being dressed as a bishop?
Yes. Brilliant!

Those days are gone. It seems this
new chap is superb, recommended
by the Bishop of Wykeham.

Didn't he say Jesus didn't exist,
or if he did, he wasn't a Christian?

It's about time we had someone with
half a brain on the parish council.

Oh, yes, apart from your good self.

At last we can give that frightful
verger, Alice, the heave-ho.

She won't be happy about that.

Tough luck. She's a famous imbecile.
In last year's Christmas crib she
had the Virgin Mary cradling a pig.

And the baby Jesus being suckled
by a black goat!

But she's awfully keen.
Eddie the Eagle was very keen!

The kind thing would still have
been to shoot him the first time
he put on a pair of skis.

I think the new chap will see sense.

Sack Alice and sack Mrs Cropley.

I've seen better flower
arrangements on a compost heap.

Whisky? Please.

Excellent stuff. Keep it locked
away when the rabble come round.

No point in wasting it on people
who adore Asda sweet amontillado.

Actually, that is lovely stuff.

Good old Asda!

Oh, sherry, wow! Only the best here,
Miss Tinker. Thanks.

Sandwich? No, thank you.
Anchovy and peanut butter
not quite my cup of tea.

Frank, sherry? Thank you very much.
My favourite. There we are. Cheers.

Jim? No, no, no, no, no... Yes.

There, don't drink it
all at once. Top stuff.

We are all gathered here
to greet our new vicar.

Sorry it's an awful night.
Can't fix everything!

You did get our cat fixed,
didn't you?

DOORBELL RINGS
Our new vicar has arrived. Either
that or the milkman's late again.

Hello? Could you hurry?

It's pouring down out here.
Raining very hard now. Please!

Hello. Hello. David Honiton...
Hawtrey. Horton. That's the chap.
Could you take these while I...?

Cheers. Bye!

Excuse me. Just get past you.

I'm Geraldine. You're expecting me.
No, I'm expecting our new vicar.

Unless you ARE the new vicar,
and they've landed us with a woman
as some sort of insane joke!

Oh, dear. Oh, God!

You expected a bloke, beard, Bible,
bad breath... That sort of thing.

And, instead,
you've got a babe with a bob cut
and a magnificent bosom. So I see.

Don't worry, it'll be all right.
We need a stiff drink. Come on.

Hello, I'm Geraldine. Call me Gerry.

Delighted to meet you. I'm Hugo.
Call me...Hugo.

Do you mind if I say that is
a devastatingly smart tie, Hugo?

Is it? Yes. Shall we go in there?

Ladies and gentlemen, your
new...vicar. Hello - Geraldine.

Boo!

I'm Frank Pickle.
I take the minutes on the council.

Splendid. Forgive me if I forget
your name. I'm dreadful with names.

Ask me to name the Virgin Mary's
son and, nope, mind's gone blank.

Jesus. That's it!

Hello - Geraldine. Gerry.
Letitia...Letty. Cropley.
I do the flowers in the church.

What have we got in this week?
We're in mourning for Rev Pottle.

Of course. Lovely. Carnations?
Yes. And I thought I'd put in
a pineapple as well.

Unusual.

And you are?
No, no, no, no, no... Jim.

Jim? No, no, no, no.

Not Jim? No, no... Yes - Jim.

Good, good.

And finally? Delighted to meet you.
Miss Tinker WAS the verger
under Rev Pottle.

Do you want to go on with the job?
Yes, please, ma'am. Good, good.

Don't call me ma'am.
Sounds like the Queen.
Lovely lady, but odd taste in hats.

Yes, yes.

You can call me Alice. Right.
Because it's my name. Right.

Perhaps we should talk
about this in the morning. Yes. Oh!

Absolutely hate amontillado.
D'you have any whisky? Certainly.

I'd like a whisky.
Me, too.

Jim? No, no, no... Please yourself.
Yes, I'll have one.

DOORBELL RINGS
Unusual sandwiches.
What's with the ham? Lemon curd.

Good Lord! I'll pop it down there
for a moment.

Thanks for coming on an awful night
when you could be in watching...

Oh, we're missing Top of the Pops!
Anyway, cheers.

Sorry I'm late.
I've been on the kazi since sundown.

Ah, Owen. This is Geraldine.
She's the new vicar. Hello.

No, she isn't. Why not?
She's a woman.

You noticed.
THESE are such a giveaway!

Eh? Whisky, Owen? Yes, I need one!

Make it a double. We need another
bottle. Did I spot a Glenfiddich
in there? Don't think so, no.

No, no, there is. Or we could have
that expensive single malt you were
keeping for special occasions.

I think I feel a party coming on.

Cheers!

Can I speak to the Bishop?

He's where?

What's he doing there? They're all
Muslims, aren't they...? Really?

25 million Christians? Oh, well,
fair enough. More than here.

By about 25 million.

This is David Horton. If he could
ring me when he returns.

I won't have my village
used like a laboratory animal
to see if woman vicars work!

She seemed a decent chap to me.
That's the point. She's not a chap.

Not technically.
Quite a technicality!

Will we have topless bathing
on the rectory lawn?

The old vicar sunbathed topless.

But he was a man,
so it didn't matter.

It did because he had fair skin
that burns...

If Jesus wanted women to spread the
Gospel, he'd have appointed them.

It's Matthew, Mark, Luke and John,
not Sharon, Tracy, Tara and Debbie!

It won't do. Call an extraordinary
meeting of the council, Hugo.

They don't call me Sportin' Horton
for nothing! Do they?

I thought they called you
Dirty David because of
your Victorian pornography. Shut up!

Well, it can't be right,
can it really? What's that?

Having a woman vicar.
Jesus didn't have women disciples.

No, but things have to change,
don't they?

That's right. Look at traffic lights.

What? If they didn't change,
there'd be terrible congestion.

On the other hand, there's gravity.

What about it? If gravity changed,
we'd all go floating up into space.

And no-one wants that.

There's good change and bad change.

Yes, I mean, there's the Changing
of the Guard.

Wonderful.
And there's prawn-flavoured crisps.

Disaster!

Here we are, number two - base camp.

Ahh!

Well, from here we launch
our great mission.

With, of course...proper rations.

You'll have to take me through
a few things. Yeah.

What kind of crowd are we pulling
to the Sunday gigs? Oh, about four.

A crowd of four? On a good day.

Well, four's not bad.
There were four Gospels,
four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Four Rocky movies till they made
Rocky V. Very bad move.

It may go up to five if Mr Newitt's
bowels settle down. So we have
Mrs Cropley, Mr Pickle, Mr Horton...

Sometimes Hugo comes, but not very
often. So who's the fourth one?

Mr Newitt.
I mentioned...with the bowels.

No, he was the fifth one,
wasn't he? Was he? Oh, yes.

Oh, um... Well...

Oh, me! Thickness!

What about Christmas? Christmas!
Well, that's special. How many?

Three. Mrs Cropley visits her sister.

I see. So what do you do
when you're not in charge
of crowd control?

I help the teacher at the nursery
school. Oh! Art's my forte.

So it is!

Reverend Pottle said that I was an
undiscovered genius. Did he? Did he?

Very remarkable man.

Well, let's see.

Oh, Ribena!

For Sunday school?
Holy communion. Unorthodox.

Well, the Reverend had a tendency
to get a little tipsy, so I used it
instead of wine to avoid...

Quite right. If this stuff
had been around at the Last Supper,
our Lord might have had a swig.

To keep a clear head
for Pilate's questions.

What is truth? Sorry?
That was the question Pilate asked.

So he did. Good old Pilate. Sort
of Magnus Magnusson of Palestine,
wasn't he? "Name?"

"Jesus." "Profession?"
"Saviour of mankind."

"And your specialist subject,
Jesus, is catering.

"How many loaves and fishes
does it take to feed 5,000 people?"
"Um...pass!"

God, Alice, do you think we're
going to be all right? Of course.

I'm gonna support you all the way.
Then we can't fail.

And I know a lot about tropical fish.

Splendid. Splendid.

Then we shall be fishers of men.

Yes... I don't know much
about them, I'm afraid.

Watch and learn, kid.
Watch and learn.

I've drafted a letter asking that
she be removed from her position.
If you've any objections,

if you want our village to be
a laughing stock, or if you BELIEVE
what most Anglicans think is heresy,

do speak up now.

Sorry I'm late.
Visiting the new parishioners.

I think they'd be LESS surprised if
the new vicar had been Mr Blobby!

Challenges, challenges.
Miss anything important?

Yes, we have drafted a letter
to the Bishop.

Great. Bertie only gets dull
circulars, asking if it's true most
priests are as gay as Larry Hagman.

Is it Larry Hagman? Let's get on.

Grayson! That's it - Grayson.
"Shut that door!" Hilarious!

Frank, as secretary to the council,
perhaps you should read it.
I'd rather not. Jim?

OK, I'll read it.
"From the Dibley Parish Council..."

Sorry I'm late. It's the big ride
at Alton Towers in my innards.

I'm reading a letter from
the council to the bishop. Right.

"My Lord, sorry to take up
your valuable time, but
an important subject has arisen."

Perhaps you could mention his trip
to Africa. Like "Welcome back
from your triumphant conference."

He'll be putty in your hand. Thanks.

Hugo...another stunning tie!

Girls just aren't safe, are they?

"Welcome back
from your triumphant conference."
He'll never refuse you now.

"Sorry to take up
your valuable time." Good!

"But an important subject has arisen.
Your new choice for vicar
has now arrived.

"We are deeply unhappy about her
and feel she won't fit
into our community.

"We are angry that we should be used
as an experiment ground for
the excesses of the modern church,

"and we ask you to reconsider this
disastrous appointment." It's signed
from the Dibley Parish Council.

Phew!

Well, you certainly know
how to wind a girl.

That's all of you, is it?
Yes, it is.

Except me, actually.

Potty Pottle was a right old woman,
and if we must have a lass,
I prefer a young one.

Particularly, if I may say so,
one with such interesting taste
in jumpers.

Thank you. My grandma knitted this.

She's blind.

Did we actually vote on it?
No, no, no...I don't know.

Of course we did. I'll check that.

No, in fact,
we seem to have forgotten to vote.

Excellent. That's good news.
But we all agreed.

I hadn't. I propose we give
the Reverend a chance.

At least see how she does on Sunday.

All those in favour
of Mr Newitt's proposition?

All those against?

This is ridiculous. The proof of
the pudding will be in the eating.

Our little community does not react
well to a vicar in high heels,

and supports my desire to keep up
the traditions of this village
and the church!

I take it that's a "no"? Yes!

God, your father's handsome
when he's angry!

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

AMEN ! I'd like to start by singing
"Zippee-dee-doo-da" because it's
such a thrill to see you all here.

But I think we should stick with
tradition and sing hymn number 199.

# Immortal, invisible,
God only wise... #

I know you were surprised to find
your vicar's a woman. So was I.

All through my teens
I was convinced
that I would become a supermodel,

and marry Eric Clapton
or David Soul.

Then I read the Sermon on the Mount,

and it was so fantastic,
that was it.

I decided to abandon the catwalk

and give the dog collar a try.

So here I am, at your service,
totally yours, any time, any day.

But if you come to see me early
in the morning, wear dark glasses.

Before my face falls into place,
I look like Bernard Manning!

It's true. I do. It's scary.

Now let's sing hymn number 300.
It sounds best if you shout
on the "bread of heaven" bit.

# Bread of heaven

# Bread of heaven

# Feed me now and ever more

# Ever more

# Feed me now

# And ever more! #

Marks out of ten, Alice? 17.
KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in. Owen, what did you think?

Missed most of it.
Otherwise engaged. Stomach bad?

It's like the Battle of the Somme.

Jim, did you enjoy it? No, no.
Thanks. You're welcome.

You'll be staying on now.
MUTTERS OF AGREEMENT

Fingers crossed.
I haven't been more sure of
anything since my O level results.

How many did you pass? None.

It's the most people in church
since that Lady Godiva thing. What?

We celebrated the summer solstice
by re-enacting Lady Godiva.
No, no, that's my dress!

A lot of people turned up, but
it was rather disappointing. Lady
Godiva wearing a body stocking?

No, she was stark naked. Wow!

I didn't get to the hairdresser's
so I wasn't looking my best.

I bet you were,

you saucepot!

# Holy goodness and mercy

# Shall follow me

# All the days of my life

# And I may dwell in the house

# Of the Lord for ever...

# For ever... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2007

So there's this nun, she's having
a bath, and a knock comes
on the door. Oh, dear!

She says, "Who is it?" The reply is,
"The blind man. Can I come in?"

She thinks about it, then says,
"OK, come in."

So the chap comes in and says,
"Nice BLEEP! Where d'you want me
to hang the blind?"

He wasn't... No, no.

And he saw... Hmm.

Yes, yes.

(squawks)

Technology's brilliant,

but keeping up...

can be a bit tricky.

That's why at the Carphone Warehouse
we've always had the latest stuff.

Always have,

always will.

Along with lots of clued-up people

who can help you
make sense of it all.

Welcome to:

So let me get this straight,
Churchill.

When I join, you'll give me
25% discount on my home insurance?

Oh, yes.

And a no claims discount?

Oh, yes.

And the same again when you renew?

Oh, yes!

Very generous.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Oh!

# I see the crystal raindrops fall

Er, no.
No, no, no.

Come on, Britain!

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Dark chocolate and
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Smooth chocolate sauce
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Ooh, Chocolate Inspiration!

# The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want

# He maketh me

# To lie down in green pastures

# He leadeth me...

# Beside the still waters

# Still waters... #