All language subtitles for Silicon.Valley.S04E07.720p.HDTV.x264-AVS.ettv.-eng

That's a good one, Richard.

No, but seriously,
what brings you in today?

No, I am... I am serious. I would like a...
an STD check.

What, did you graze your penis
against a toilet seat?

No. I... I had sex.

Sex with what? Female.

A female what?

A female human.

And I-I don't know this woman very
well, and we didn't use a condom.

Now, listen, Richard,
I wouldn't worry so much.

People don't really get
STDs anymore.

We'll get your tests back
soon, and I would tell you

not to have sex
before then, but let's face it...

Lightning ain't gonna
strike twice, is it?

It's possible.

Huh? It's possible.

No.

Hey, here's something strange.

Would you mind hopping up
on that scale for a sec?

Okay, why? Am I gaining weight?

I have been working like
crazy, eating like crap.

I haven't been exercising
at all, really, so...

Yeah, look at that.

You are an inch shorter

than you were
this time last year.

You're shrinking, my friend.

How is that possible?

Well, you just told me. It's your
unhealthy lifestyle, Richard.

It's a loss
of mineral bone density.

So, what do I do? I'm gonna put
you on calcium supplements,

and I'm gonna have you come
back in about three weeks.

I'll see you then...
or whatever's left of you.

So, Erlich, good news:

Keenan Feldspar signed
his term sheet,

and we are now officially negotiating
the finer points of his deal.

Fantastic! Well,
now the real work begins.

To that end, we would like to
clarify our arrangement with you.

We feel that
a generous finder's fee

will be more than satisfactory.

This meeting is over.

This is very generous, but I...
I was under the impression

that, um, I was going
to be hired here,

and I've actually told quite a
few people that I was hired,

so if I wasn't, then it would
look like I was fired.

That is fine.

No. Laurie...

I will not allow you
to make the same mistake

that Uber, Palantir, Zenefits,

and, in my earlier years,
Chipotle

made by not hiring me.

All right, don't hire me.

But can you hack this finder's
fee into 52 installments,

paid weekly over the
course of the next year?

You mean... a salary?

Those are your words, not mine.

The finder's fee and...

10,000 to go away?

You know, looking around
at Bream-Hall,

I see a lot of the same:

the same gender... Both partners
happen to be female, Erlich.

Great catch. What's your point?

There is a grotesque
gender imbalance

in the VC field right now. I can
help you navigate the toxicity

of this male culture which is
encroaching on our feminist island.

I mean, for instance, there's
something called mansplaining?

Have you heard about this? We
know what mansplaining is.

Mansplaining is when a man
will condescendingly explain

something to a woman
that she already knows.

Mr. Bachman, we have work to do.

All right. Laurie...

half the finder's fee
for me to stay.

I don't think that you'll
find an associate, um...

with my track record
at a better price.

It's my final offer.
Take it or leave it.

I need this.

Fine. You may start Monday.

Okay. Ooh, this Monday?

That's fine. Of course.

♪ ♪

What's that?

SonicWall SonicPoint ACe...

paired with the TZ600.

Top-of-the-line
firewall protection,

built-in intrusion prevention,
SSL decryption and inspection,

application control,
and content filtering.

Saying new router
would be so much quicker.

Dinesh, the one good thing that
came out of you slapping your body

against that cyberterrorist in a
vulgar parody of the act of love

is that we finally have a network
with real security value.

Why would we need it?
Mia is in a federal facility

with no access to the Internet.

Right, and she has never shown a proclivity
for getting around infrastructure.

Did you see this? We've only
been live for two weeks,

and we just cracked the top
500 in the Hooli app store.

Oh, look at that. Ranked 499.

Of utilities. Yeah, subgroup
mobile, subgroup storage.

True, but overall, we're firmly in
the top 30,000 Hooli phone apps.

I mean, we may not be
a global epidemic yet,

but... we've leapt
from bat saliva to humans

and... and we've just killed
our first few villagers.

♪ ♪

This warm. This warm.

This warm.

This warm. I get it, Jian-Yang!

The refrigerator is broken.

The ice cream is melting.

Let me guess.
Is it because it's warm?

Yes. Fine, I'll
call the repairman,

and he'll come here
and fix it posthaste.

No, I want a new fridge,
a smarter fridge...

like this.

Fourteen thousand dollars
for a smart fridge?

Unlike you,
I now work for a living.

I'm not gonna drop that
kind of dough on a fridge.

I ordered it already.
I buy it for myself.

Then why are you talking
to me about it?

To make you feel bad,

because you are fat and poor.

- Go for Erlich.
- E. Bachman! E. Chen.

Got your message.

Bream-Hall, huh?

Yes, starting today.

I hope that this doesn't create
any tension between us,

us now being
competitors and all.

Hey. None-zo.

Hey, while I have you,
some of the boys are part

of the ownership group
of the Warriors.

We have an extra spot on the floor
at Oracle Arena. You a hoops guy?

Oops, sorry, you broke up. Could
you, uh, could you say that again?

We have an extra spot
on the floor tonight

at Oracle Arena.
You a hoops guy?

What red-blooded American male
in the VC boys' club isn't?

Okay. Cool.
I'll text you the deets.

Later, man.

Well, boys, I've been in the
VC game for just one day,

and already I have floor seats
to watch the Warriors.

But you hate basketball. I'll
concede that spending all my time

inside of a house
with you scrawny code jockeys,

the Incredible
Shrinking Hendricks,

and whatever the fuck
Jared is here...

may have blunted
my conventional masculinity

a hair, but it's
always been there.

Uh-huh. Well, try and get a
selfie with Steph Curry.

I will, assuming she's there.

Hey, Jared, um,
look at this e-mail here.

Uh, "Dear Richard, I recently became
aware of your Space Saver app.

"I think your app may infringe
upon my own patented technology.

"If your schedule permits, I would love to
discuss this with you as soon as possible.

Sincerely, Stewart Burke."

I thought we handled that patent stuff.
We own it, right?

Yeah. I'll... I'll send him a harshly
worded cease-and-desist letter.

Actually, uh...

his work address is
some house in Mountain View.

He's probably just working out
of his garage, just like us.

Why don't I go over there,
walk him through the app,

you know, coder to coder.
I'm sure it'll be fine.

You've got a big heart.

Or maybe it just seems big 'cause
the rest of him is shrinking.

♪ ♪

Hi. Richard Hendricks.
We exchanged e-mails?

No. Are... are you Stewart Burke?

No. I'm sorry. Does
Stewart Burke live here?

Yeah.

Okay. Is he in?
Can I speak with him?

Grandpa! Some guy's here!

My grandson is
the software expert.

I couldn't tell a computer
from a toaster.

Oh. So, you're not a coder?

Oh no, not at all.
I am an attorney.

I started out
in the medical field,

then in the auto industry,
and then the music business.

Did you represent
all these people?

No, I sued them.

Look, that's me
with Stevie Wonder.

He never saw it coming.

You get it? Uh, yes,
because he's blind.

Right.

I'm sorry. I don't know what this...
has to do with...

You see this? This is a song I
bought at a copyright auction.

It's an old mariachi number

that had cost me
practically nothing

and so far has bought me
two houses

and put my village idiot grandson
through six years of Emerson.

Oh. All that
from "Cancion de Amores"?

Was it a popular song? No. I
used the copyright on this song

to sue writers
of all kinds of songs.

Anyway, the writers
usually settle, pay me off,

or give me a chunk
of their song.

Thanks to
"Cancion de Amores" here,

I now own 10 percent of Katrina and
the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine."

Mmm. It's a classic!

And when it runs next month

on Mazda's new Super Bowl
spot, I print money.

But sadly, all the good
music copyrights are gone.

That is... so sad. And that's
why I moved into tech.

And now, I sue people like you.

♪ ♪

What?

So, he's a patent troll?

Yep, as like in buy a ton
of super-broad IP

from failed startups at auction,

and then threaten litigation
against accused infringers,

i.e., you.

So, uh, how much
is Burke asking for?

Twenty thousand dollars.

Ah, you're getting off easy.

Well, no.
Look, his patent covers...

"storage of media files
on a network."

I mean, that cannot
be enforceable.

It's probably not...

but to find out, you're gonna
have to fight him in court.

For a good litigator,
we're talking at least...

a couple hundred grand.

Just pay him
the 20 grand, Richard.

I could get creative and take some
money out of the Melcher deal.

- There you go.
- No, we need that money.

This is a shakedown.
He's a crook.

And right when our app
was getting off the ground.

That's how he found you.

Guys just landed
on the app store

top 500 list, right? Yeah.

So, Burke starts
at the bottom of those lists

and works his way up.

The more settlements he gets,
the stronger his case.

The higher you are on the list,
the more money he asks for.

It's like...
It's like limp biscuit.

He sued those guys too?
Not the band.

The thing the band
is named after.

Limp biscuit's
an old frat ritual,

where all the brothers race to
stroke one out onto a biscuit,

and then the last guy
to nut has to eat it.

Right. Sometimes
it's a Wheat Thin.

Look, Richie, I get it.

It's embarrassing
to pull your pud

in front of
the whole pledge class.

Just pay the guy.

Or...

maybe... we convince
the entire pledge class

to not play the game
at all in the first place.

If only.

♪ ♪

This must be the new fridge.

You like this?
Look, it has a screen

so you can see
all the food that's inside.

Mm-hmm. Kind of like that one?

This one has an app,

so you can actually watch
the food on your phone.

All it needs to do is keep
my fucking beer cold.

Hmm. You're running low on beer.

Fuck you.

Whoops! Did you forget
to scan that bar code?

Yes, I did... on purpose.

Ah! There we go.

It's bad enough it has to talk.

Does it need fake
vocal ticks like, "ah"?

Well, it just makes
it sound more human.

Humans are shit. This thing is
addressing problems that don't exist.

It's solutionism at its worst.

We are dumbing down machines
that are inherently superior.

Whatever. You gave your
server a human name.

You named it Anton.

Yeah, but Anton doesn't
call me anything.

He grimly does his work,
then he sits motionless

till it's time to work again. We
could all take a page from his book.

Uh-oh! That yogurt is expired.

See? This could've killed me.

Now I can give it to Erlich.

Hmm. I'm not quite sure
what you're doing.

Is there something
I can help you with?

Yeah, how do
I shut you the fuck up?

Aw, is somebody
having a rough day?

Did that fucker
password-protect the settings?

His fridge, his rules.

Fuck.

My man, I was told I had
a spot on the floor tonight,

but it seems that I've committed

the cardinal sin of being early.

What time does
the game actually start?

It's about to.

Wait. When he said,
"a spot on the floor,"

did he mean... on the floor?

I wasn't a part
of the conversation.

Come on, baby, come on!
Come on, bring it! Unh!

I cannot do that.

All right, you guys go shirts.

We'll go skins.

And I can definitely
not do that.

Will not.

Don't let him drive on you.

All day.

Yo, Erlich. Where you at, dawg?

Yo, what up, what up, what up?

Which one of you pussies,
uh, put sugar in my gas tank

to prevent me from housing
you on the hardwood?

What? Yeah, my car won't start.

It's a real fucked situation,

so I guess I'll have to miss this
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to...

We play every Tuesday.

I'll see you next week,
bro-seph.

♪ ♪

Hey, let me get in.
Let me get in. Let me get in.

Hey, I squished
those front-end bugs.

Did you finish your
networking issue? Nope.

Hmm. I'm sorry. Wrong password.

You're sitting here, trying
to hack Jian-Yang's password

instead of doing
your actual work?

Well, good luck,
it's a 10-digit alphanumeric.

Ten digit? Fuck.

And you have
one underpowered laptop,

so you know, you should
have the answer in...

9,000 years.

Time to pull out the big gun.

Well, maybe you should
pull out the bug gun...

'cause of the network bug.

As in the bug you're
supposed to be fixing.

If you were programmed to have a good
sense of humor, you'd laugh at that.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see
any Good Humor ice cream bars.

Shall I add them to your shopping list?
You know what? Yeah.

Good Humor ice cream bars

added to your shopping list.
Come on.

God. You believe this?
I'm... I'm still on hold.

With? Microsoft Azure.

Yeah, I... I'm trying to negotiate
a lower cloud storage rate

because we're gonna need it if,
or more realistically when,

Richard finally decides
to pay that patent troll.

I mean, I'm still on hold.

It's like they don't even care
about small businesses.

Jared, they don't care
about small businesses.

That's why small businesses
have to lie.

Like, um, Google named their
first building Building 40,

so that people would think
they were already huge.

When I worked
at my first startup,

I would transfer people
to "my supervisor,"

and then I'd just get back
on the phone myself.

Oh. Uh, yeah, hello.

No, no, I'm not gonna
go on hold again.

Um, in fact, could I transfer
you to my supervisor?

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no,
I have to take a shit.

Just, um... do your best
Ed Chen impression.

Um, one moment please.

♪ ♪

What's up?
You got Ed Ch... Chambers.

♪ ♪

Hello, everybody.
Thanks again for making it.

And thanks to Gus
of Gigglybots for hosting.

No problem. My name is,
uh, Richard Hendricks,

uh, of Pied Piper.

You're the guys working
for Gavin Belson.

Was working
with Gavin Belson, yeah.

So, he's not coming?
No. No, not at all.

But I'll have you all know that without
any involvement from Gavin Belson,

Pied Piper,
just like yourselves,

has reached the Hooli
app store's top 500 list,

and you guys are aware

that you are all directly
above us on the list,

which is why you should know
that a patent troll

named Stewart Burke
has recently demanded

that I pay
a $20,000 licensing fee,

and if I pay, he's gonna come and
ask you guys for more money.

He starts with the little guy.

Not that I'm little. I'm, uh...
I mean I'm not.

I'm actually, uh...

above average height.

Isn't this something that could
have been done over e-mail?

I mean, I guess, but... look.

If we don't stop this guy, he's gonna
just keep asking for more and more money

until someone is stuck
with an unpayable bill.

It's kind of like
that old fraternity game,

uh, the limp biscuit.

Sorry, I wasn't in a fraternity.
What is that?

Oh, I-I... I don't think
we need to get into...

It's where guys stand in a circle
and masturbate onto a cracker.

And then
the last guy... eats it.

What?

Again, I... again...
I don't really know

why he would mention that.
It's super gross.

Is this why Gavin Belson
stopped working with you? No.

The important thing is here,

um, my lawyer has actually
drafted a partnership agreement.

Why don't you all just...
Essentially, uh,

we all band together
and each contribute $20,000.

We should have
more than enough money

to mount a challenge
against this guy's patent.

And if we win,
we dissolve the patent,

so that he can't do this
to anyone else ever again.

Because in the end,

shouldn't it be Mr. Stewart
Burke, the patent troll,

who is forced
to eat the biscuit?

I'm pretty sure
that's sexual assault.

Yeah, no one deserves that.

I know. That...
That's all I'm saying.

Look, I'm pretty sure
it's even made up.

Like, you know, like a
donkey punch, you know?

Again, what is a donkey punch?

It's, uh, when guys...
Just don't. Don't.

♪ ♪

G-man, you busy at the moment?

Very. I'm about
to set Anton loose

on that talking
chrome beer coozy.

So, care to take
a breather and...

help a pal throw a basketball
hoop on the old garage?

Why would you need help from a
scrawny code jockey such as myself?

Fine.

I'm perfectly capable
of figuring it out myself.

All I need is... Ah!

May I borrow this hammer to pound
in these flamboyant little nails?

Those are screws. Yeah, no, I...

♪ ♪

Jared Dunn. Yep, just a moment, please.
I'll transfer you.

Go for Chambers.

Ned! I knew it was you.

Hey, did that pussy Jared
keep you on hold long?

I eat that motherfucker's
lunch every day.

No, man, I literally eat his food.
What do you want?

Uh-uh, ain't gonna happen.

That's as high as we go, homo.
Till next time, rook.

I mean, did you see that?

He's amazing. Who?

Ed Chambers. He got Pied Piper a
great cloud storage rate from Azure,

and he's got the hookup
on a couple of pallets

of pamplemousse LaCroix at,
his words, an amaze-balls price.

Wow. Good job, Jared.

Well, I mean, don't congratulate me.
Congratulate Ed Chambers.

Ed Chambers is you.
Well, I wish, but...

Gentlemen. You all said
that it couldn't be done,

but it appears as if Sir
Richard the Not-Short

hath now slain the slimy troll.

Stu Burke. R. Hendricks.

I got word that you called. I
assume you spoke with my attorney,

Monsieur Ron Laflamme?

Yes, I did speak
to Ron Laflamme.

What, pray tell, did he tell
you when he called you?

Well, I called him, actually,

to tell him
that the eight companies

you apparently tried
to organize against me

have reached out to me
preemptively to settle.

And because I appreciated that,

I offered them a very,
very reasonable rate.

So, Richard Hendricks, fuck you.

Okay. Uh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

I understand.

So, you're firm on that?

Well, bye then.

So, your coalition fucked us?
Yes.

So, now we have
to pay the $20,000?

Uh, not exactly. Because he...

Stu is saying
that since all eight companies

have now licensed the patent,

he has a stronger case
against us,

so, um, he'd actually
like m-more money.

How much? Three hundred
thousand dollars.

So, we just ate the
Wheat Thin, didn't we?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see
any Wheat Thins.

Shall I add them
to your shopping list?

Eh, sure.

Well, let's hope that Melcher
doesn't hear about all this.

♪ ♪

You guys don't need
all these lights on, do you?

Yes, we do.

Okay. Well, that should be fine.
We should be fine.

Um, fine from what?

That fridge is
putting up a fight,

so I'm gonna have to try
something with Anton.

Might put a little strain
on the wiring, that's all.

I'll be in the garage.

Hey, Richard, but you're not seriously
gonna defend yourself in court, right?

Well, Larry Flynt did it.

And Sir Walter Raleigh,

although he lost
and was publicly beheaded.

But you could argue that he eventually
won in the court of history.

I get it. I should've settled.

Okay? And I didn't.

And you're right,
I will probably lose,

but I'm not going down
without a fight.

And I've got all of Monahan's discovery
from the Hooli case right here,

so that's something.

Oh my God.

This is from high school.

These are all my notes from the
original build of Pied Piper 1.0,

back when it was just some stupid
search app for music copyright... s.

♪ ♪

Hold on. Hold on.

What the fuck?

Sorry. Everybody okay?

I don't know,
you fucking maniac!

Are we? Probably.

Richard? What...
What are you up to?

About six foot two, Jared.

Looks like I can slay
that troll after all.

What am I looking at?

Well, you said that you used
"Cancion de Amores"

to sue musicians,

claimed that they stole
that song, right?

Bought two houses, put Jeremy
through four years of college.

Six, and he's still
20 credits short.

Okay, well, he may want
to consider financial aid,

um, because
that little song there

was itself stolen
from an old country song

called "I'm Cryin'"

from 1967, a full eight years

before "Cancion de Amores."

And I'm pretty sure Katrina and
the Waves would want to know

that they gave you a piece of
"Walking on Sunshine" for nothing.

Mazda may want to pull
that whole Super Bowl spot.

Bullshit. No, no, not bullshit.
Computer science.

Yeah, and we can take it to court
if you like, see who they believe:

perhaps the most advanced and
sophisticated pattern-matching algorithm

ever devised by a fucking genius

or some old asshole
who once sued Stevie Wonder.

All right. What do you
want, you little prick?

Correction, sir.

I am a big prick.

♪ ♪

Hello, my cold friend.

Hello?

Huh! Suck it, Jian-Yang.

Mmm. Ah. Huh. Huh.

You attack and destroy
my refrigerator?

And you misspell my name.

I did. I had to overclock Anton,

but I was able to brute-force
the backdoor password

to that chrome piece of shit
in under 12 hours.

And I added
a little visual flair.

Huh. Suck it, Jian-Yang.

♪ ♪ Mmm. Ah. Huh.

So? So... he bought it.
Hook, line and sinker.

Yeah, he thinks
the search results are real.

You trolled the troll.

Yeah, yeah, for a second
there, he wasn't buying it,

and then I just started
babbling on about tech specs

until his eyes glazed over.

Well, as a result, we now have

a perpetual royalty-free
license for the patent.

Yes! See? I stuck to my
guns and as a result,

we now have 20 grand
we would have otherwise lost

if I had listened to you delicate
little snowflakes and settled.

Yeah? Twenty grand.

Yeah, so let me cum into a bucket
and have you all drink it.

Uh, Richard? Could I
have a... a moment?

Sorry about that.

I-I-I... I regretted it the
second it came out of my mouth.

Richard. Well, yes, but...

Here. What's this?

Um, that is a bill
from Ron Laflamme

for the paperwork he had to do to put
your coalition of companies together.

Twenty-two thousand dollars?

Yeah. It's at the high end
of standard.

So, it would've cost us slightly
less if we'd have just...

Paid the troll?
Well, that's true,

but can you put
a price on dignity?

Apparently, I just did.

Do me a favor
and don't tell the guys.

Yeah. You have my utmost discretion.
Thank you.

Um, speaking of, Richard,
I need to tell you something.

I had to let Ed Chambers go.

Who? My fictional supervisor.

He bragged to a sales rep at LaCroix
about doing it to Sonia Sotomayor,

so Ed is no longer with us.

I'm sure we can manage.

He also was
never actually with us.

Right. Out of sight, out of mind.
'Cause he was never real.

And out of reality. Yeah, well.

Oh, Ed Chambers.

Don't hit... No, no, no, no! Oh!

Fuck!

Yeah, a lot of these guys
aren't man enough

to work for an all-female
led VC firm, but not me.

I believe
that the future is female.

And anyone who says otherwise
can suck my fat dick.

Yo, yo, yo!

Woo!

Bachman, scoreboard.

Ah, scoreboard. Fuck. Shit.

Who made that one through the...

It was a three-pointer, dumb-ass!

Three-pointer?
What, are we in Europe?

Pass!

- Is he fucking with me?
- Shoot it!