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1 I've always had a simultaneous fear of,

and attraction toward, the unknown.

And in these fucking dark and scary times,

it's easy to adopt a "What difference does it make?" attitude.

So I often find myself in these situations

where my heart's pounding so fast I can barely breathe.

And I can't tell if it's excitement or terror or both.

- No! - It's not like I'm brave

or anything, it's more

reckless stupidity,

an adrenaline fix,

throwing myself into the void to see what happens.

No!

Help me!

Harder! Harder!

Dave?

Oh, shit!

My husband's home!

Oh, shit.

What should I do?

Dave, where are you?!

In here, babe.

So yeah, I realized that one day

these crazy adventures will probably get me

into some gigantic trouble I can't get out of.

_

But it's almost like I can't help myself.

I do shit sometimes and I really don't know why.

To avoid boredom, I guess.

To feel alive.

Just for the fucking fuck of it.

Sync and corrections by btsix www.MY-SUBS.com

Ah.

Sorry, dude.

Whatever.

Hey, Severine.

I thought you were sleeping out tonight.

Yeah, uh, I'm not.

Anyhoo, please, continue.

Goodnight, Ulysses.

Goodnight.

Night, dude.

So, Ford and I have a sort of strange relationship.

We've been roommates since college

and we kind of drunk messed around once freshman year.

I love him unconditionally

and if he had even one sexually ambiguous molecule

in his body, we'd probably be married,

but Ford's that truly rare Kinsey zero

in contrast to my ever oscillating four,

which means I'm not so totally queer

that I haven't rubbed out a few fantasizing about Severine.

Everything in my life right now is a question mark,

which pretty much explains what this thing is about.

It's definitely not a vlog.

It's more of a place to download the random shit

that's in my head to keep it from like exploding.

Back in school, I thought I wanted to be an actor,

but once I got to LA, I quickly discovered

that's probably the lamest, most soul-crushing thing

I could do with my life.

And Ford is that sad LA cliché,

an aspiring screenwriter.

But movies are even more irrelevant now than books.

It's all stupid superheroes and YA bullshit.

And thanks to Instagram, art and photography,

all of that's pretty much obsolete now too,

so lacking a better outlet,

here I am talking to myself in the dark.

But also,

there's something weird going on

that I feel I need to document.

I've been having this nightmare,

the same one over and over,

two or three times a week for the past month.

No!

And it's so vivid and freakishly real

that when I wake up, it's still there hovering over me like

it's not just a dream,

like it's trying to tell me something.

Maybe smoke a smidge less pot before bedtime?

Carly, I'm being serious.

Don't you ever get bizarre premonitions?

- No. - Well, I do and I'm a double Scorpio.

It's the most psychic of all the signs.

And I've had premonitions before, but this is different.

It's like we're teetering on the brink of total annihilation.

Okay, well, that's every fucking day now

in this tragic shit show era we're living in.

But anyway, are you still cyber-stalking that guy?

- Gabriel. - Mm.

Yeah. We were supposed to hang out last night, but...

Oh, let me guess, he flaked.

Hey, look, this guy's a gnarly 300-pound catfish.

That's why I've been pushing to meet in real life.

Look, check it out.

- Oh. He is pretty. - Right?

I know it sounds hokey, but I just get this vibe that we're destined to be.

Okay, double Scorpio.

Honestly, just looking at him makes me dizzy and hard.

You know, when I first met Jethro,

seeing him sneeze would make me cum,

but now, like uh, last night, in the middle of fucking,

Jethro leans in and for some ungodly reason, whispers...

Mm, teach me, baby, teach me.

What?

Teach me!

Is that something you got from a bad porno?

Oh, come on, baby!

Yeah, teach me how to drive you wild!

Yes, baby!

Make me a student!

I'm a vessel for your pleasure!

Yeah!

Ah, teach me, baby!

- Come on, yeah! - Can you just slow down

a little bit, please?!

Teach me, baby! Teach me!

- Oh, shit. - And it gets worse.

He wants me to go to his fucking meditation class tonight.

But meditating gives you anxiety.

Yeah, I know.

It's so easy for him. His brain, his natural resting state,

is just a blank void of nothingness.

Is it the catfish?

Oh, shit, really? What'd he say?

That he wants to meet tonight.

Okay, well, my advice, set the bar low.

Very low.

♪ Sanctify the love that you crave, crave ♪

♪ Oh, and I won't, and I won't, and I won't be ashamed ♪

♪ Sanctify my sins when I pray ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ When I pray ♪ - ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You'll find redemption ♪

Hey.

How's the script coming?

I've seen you here before.

Oh.

It's going great.

- You a writer too? - No.

Actually, I'm a producer.

Oh, no shit. Cool.

You should send me one of your scripts.

- For real? - Yes.

You look like a ambitious, hardworking young man.

Email me.

Oh, wow.

Okay, Mr. Powers.

Please. Barnabas.

Ford. Ford Halstead.

Great to meet you, Ford.

Well, I'll let you get back to work.

Cool! I'll email you.

Looking forward to it.

_

_

_

_

They keep fucking me.

I tell them no,

but they keep fucking me.

They keep fucking me!

Fucking me!

And they won't stop.

Please, make them stop.

Make them stop.

Severine Bordeaux.

Hello, Severine.

Lars. Klaus.

Looks like I didn't miss anything.

Yes, the man is running late as usual.

I think they keep us waiting on purpose, to build anticipation.

And to make our work seem even more highly classified than it is.

Actually, I heard this new assignment

is a genuine priority level one.

Really?

Who told you this?

If I revealed my sources,

I'd have to kill you.

I don't know, Uly.

Sometimes a dream is just a dream.

Yeah, but then, but then sometimes,

sometimes it's more.

Dude, do you remember that time

you were so convinced an earthquake was coming?

You went out, you bought a bunch of soup

and water and batteries?

This is different than that.

Is it?

Anyway, huh, isn't it awesome what happened today?

What?

That producer gave me his business card.

Oh, right.

So is he... is he for real?

What do you mean?

As in does he have credits?

That, that aren't porn.

Yeah. I already checked.

Just be careful, okay? 'Cause he could be a serial killer or...

Okay, paranoid.

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

Hey, so, um, I'm gonna be a, a little bit behind

on, on the rent again, this month.

Ah, no big. I got it.

I know, I just, I don't wanna be a scab.

Hey, I said don't worry about it.

It was my idea to move to Cali in the first place.

Plus, I'm the one with the rich parents, so whatevs.

Seriously, bro, man, I'm just so glad

we're out here together.

You and me, man, living the dream!

You know what I mean?

Know what?

Why don't we cut the bullshit

and go over into those bushes over there and fuck?

- You all right? - Yeah.

Yup.

You stoned or something?

- You ready to head back down? - Yeah, yeah.

- All right. - Mm-hm.

I'll race you to the bottom.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

You home already? I thought you had a coffee date.

I did. I barely sat down and the guy asked me if

I would rim him.

- Oh. - Hmm.

What are you doing?

Just memorizing my lines for acting class tomorrow.

I feel like guys on Tinder are so used to getting sex

that they don't even make an effort anymore.

Like, this one guy, he sent me the martini emoji,

then the eggplant, then just expected me to fuck him.

Maybe he was foreign?

I've just encountered a lot of assholes on there.

It's a numbers game.

I mean, you have a lot of asshole dick,

but you also have dick of every other kind too.

Yeah, I know, which is like dicks flying at me 24/7.

Exactly.

I don't know, I might delete it.

Maybe it's true, you can't find romance through a screen.

That is something that old people say

because they resent the fact that we don't have to go

and troll gross bars for sex like they did.

Let me see your profile.

Come here.

You look like you're hosting a reality show

called Extreme Brunch, or something.

Do you have like, any photos of you wearing less clothing?

Like, like showing less personality?

Pretty cool that producer coming up to me today, huh?

Yeah, incredible.

Yeah, it's like I've only been out here six months

and things are already starting to happen for me.

So, Sev.

Mm-hmm?

We've been seeing each other a while now

and I was wondering if...

it was cool that I called you my girlfriend.

You can call me whatever you want.

I'm not precious about the terminology.

Okay, so uh, we're like,

exclusive, then?

Ford, we've discussed this.

You know I believe that monogamy

is a form of social control,

which is contrary to our nature.

What?

For centuries, humans migrated in egalitarian

hunter-gatherer groups and shared everything,

food, childcare, sexual partners.

They were very promiscuous

and it strengthened their relationships,

but then agriculture came along

and people became obsessed

with ownership and private property.

Oh, when was that?

About 10,000 years ago.

Oh.

Is this uh...

Is this about me not being smart enough for you?

I know you're a rocket scientist and...

Astrobiological theorist.

And no, Ford,

I actually think you're extraordinary.

Plus, you have the world's most magnificent cock.

Thanks.

It's so magnificent, in fact,

I'd feel guilty keeping it all to myself.

Modern relationships don't last

because we expect too much of our partners.

They need to fulfill us emotionally,

satisfy us sexually.

That's a lot to ask of one person.

Besides, future holds so much chaos and uncertainty.

We must relish our freedom while it lasts.

- Uh, what? - Nothing.

If you're saying what I think it is you're saying,

if you, you know, um, if you want to give

the open relationship thing a try,

I'm down.

Really?

You're not just saying that to make me happy?

You know I have difficulties reading social cues.

I mean it.

Okay, now pretend like you're laughing

at a cute guy over there being funny.

But why am I wearing a bikini in the living room?

No one is thinking about that, Amber.

This is literally just about assessing your genetics.

Oh, my God, okay,

he's not, he's not like, that funny.

- He's amusing. - Okay.

He's mildly amusing.

Perfect.

I look mean.

No, you look confused.

You look hot and confused.

That's the ideal combination.

What?

Oh, sorry. Hey.

Oh, my God, are you watching it?

- Watching what? - Murderous Minds.

I told you, my episode's on tonight.

Oh, uh, shit!

Oh, my God, that's right, babe!

I totally forgot!

That's so exciting!

Fuck, Carly!

Hope you didn't miss me.

I've gotta set the DVR.

- What's happening now? - What do you mean?

On the show, Jesus!

Um, it, it looks like two cops

are investigating like, a crime scene.

Okay, shit, you're just in time. It's my scene.

What's happening now?

They just zipped some guy into a body bag.

Yes!

Was that you?

Uh yeah, what, couldn't you tell?

No, you were amazing.

Ah, I'm sure.

Was I?

Mm-hm.

Yeah, you, you were great, Jethro.

Oh, hey, Amber's there! Amber!

- She uh, she see me too? - Yup, she did.

And uh, she thought you were uh, very believable.

14 fucking million people watch that show.

It's like I'm always telling you, Carly,

it's about connecting the dots

and maintaining a positive attitude.

Which is why I really wish you'd come with me

to meditation class tonight.

Yeah, I know, babe, but I told you,

I need to work on my scene for class tomorrow.

Yeah, well, Car, the road to failure is paved with excuses.

Hey, babe, can we continue this later?

Uly's on the other line, probably having a crisis.

I'm almost to work anyway.

Just wanted to share my moment of glory with ya.

You were awesome, babe.

Thanks, I'll swing by after work for another lesson.

Great. Okay, see ya.

- Hey. - Gabriel is 43 fucking minutes late.

Like I said, low bar.

What should I do now? Should I leave?

Are you kidding? You lost all your dignity like, 28 minutes ago.

I know. Am I tragic?

Don't, don't answer that.

I was really hoping to, you know,

finally solve the mystery of, oh, shit.

- What? Is he there? - Yeah.

- I'll call you back. - Okay, bye!

Ulysses. Oh, man, I am so sorry.

You must think that I'm the hugest flake ever,

but class got out late, Waze sent me to the wrong address,

- and, and my phone died... - It's, it's okay, it's okay...

Don't worry about it.

Seriously though, I'm big on first impressions

and I feel so fucking bad.

Well, you're here now, right?

That's, that's all that matters.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Holy crap, baby.

Hey, Smokey. You miss me?

Sure did.

I want to drink you up like a piña colada.

Good, because I've been a really bad girl.

Ooh!

Ah!

I really want to get to know you, the real you.

Are you sure you just don't want me to like,

finger myself or something?

Could we just talk first?

Like, what do you like most about being a cam girl?

Well, I uh, I have always wanted a job I could do lying down.

Hm.

Show me!

Show me, you deviant little whore.

You're so pitiful and weak!

Just looking at you makes me sick.

Get on your knees!

Damn. I so wish I hadn't scheduled band practice for tonight.

Ah, it, it's cool.

It's just that a couple of weeks ago,

I, I declared this embargo on hookups.

I mean, you know they're fun, obviously,

but I always just feel, well, gross and pagan after.

Yeah, no, uh, I know what you mean.

So I, I made sure to make plans

so that no matter how hot you were,

I, you know, would have to restrain myself.

No, it's, it's okay, I totally get it.

We can hang out soon again, though, right?

Definitely.

- Oh, shit! - What? What?

I fucking forgot to charge my phone!

I got so distracted, I can't even text my band mates now.

That sucks.

I guess we'll jus... we'll just have to hang out

again soon...

Come on.

No, wait.

What?

I'm not blowing this, am I?

What do you, what do you mean?

Well, I'm gonna see you again, right?

I mean, I'm not fucking this up doing this?

No, no, no, you're not fucking this up.

Good, 'cause I seriously cannot control myself right now.

Handjobs only, though?

What?

For tonight, just handjobs?

And save the rest for later?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, we need to hurry, though,

'cause I literally only have like, two minutes, okay?

Oh, yeah, you like that, Worm?

Mm-hm. Can you wiggle them?

Like this, you mean?

Yeah, keep wiggling. Keep wiggling.

Worm, you know you need to ask me

more respectfully than that.

Please. Please wiggle your toes for me.

Much better.

Hell yeah.

Keep wiggling.

More, more wiggle.

Oh, God.

- Oh! - God!

Oh, oh, oh fuck!

- Oh! - Fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!

Fuck.

What can I do for you, Mistress?

I'm here to please you.

I'll do anything you want.

How about you do 30 naked pushups?

Would that make Mistress happy?

To be honest, no.

I just... I don't really care.

Well, what would make you truly happy?

I'm here to serve you.

Really?

Do you want to run lines with me for my acting class

'cause I have to memorize all these by tomorrow.

Yeah, I'm gonna pass on that one.

But you said you would do anything.

Well, I know, but...

Well, okay, well, what if I like,

take my top off while I do it?

Okay, sure.

Cool. Great.

Okay.

So, you're Anne,

and I'm Mary, okay?

Okay.

Do you feel as awful as you look?

Why would you come here if all you wanted to do was torment me?

Hey, you're good.

Hey!

Stay in character!

Next line.

Wow.

That was kind of intense.

Yeah.

Seriously, I mean what was that?

Was it, was it just me or did, did it feel like

the universe collapsed in on itself for a second there?

No, I felt it too.

I'm almost afraid to see what happens

when we actually have sex.

Look, I, I realize that we just met

and I, I don't want to sound too psycho stalkery or anything,

but something strange seems to be going on here.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it sort of... it sort of feels like

- fate. - Fate.

But I got to go, my band mates are gonna kill me.

Right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

So uh, so when do I get to see you next?

Well, whenever. I mean, whenever you...

- How about tomorrow? - Tomorrow's great.

Cool.

Oh, fuck.

Okay, shit.

Now I really got to go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.

Holy fucking shit!

Ow!

Help me!

Please!

Please, help me!

No!

Oh, God!

No! No!

Oh, God, no!

No!

No!

Help me!

Please!

Help me!

Sync and corrections by btsix www.MY-SUBS.com