All language subtitles for Hell.Baby.2013.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG.english

- Home.
- Home.

Here's to low-balling
the seller

and still getting 50,000 off
after the home inspection.

We could paint this place today,
sell it tomorrow

and still make money.

Yes, we could.

- I love you, Jack Watson.
- I love you.

Now, let me carry you
over that goddamn threshold.

Ooh! Wait, stop.

- Let's not squander the moment!
- I peed a little bit.

- Oh, God! Really? Eugh!
- No, it's OK. It's just...

The babies are pushing
on my bladder.

Will you hand me a tissue?
A paper towel?

- I got it.
- Thanks, baby.

- Hi!
- New, uh...

- Sorry.
- New parents, soon to be.

Jack. Vanessa.

- Hi!
- She pees a lot.

OK.

Come on. Ah! Oh, my God!

If it makes you feel any better,
I just peed a little bit too.

- Jesus, you are fat! Oh, my God!
- Honey! Honey!

Oh, my God!

- Oh!
- Please stop!

Oh! Oh, my God!

- Oh! Ow! Shit!
- Sweetie!

What are you doing?!

What are you doing?

I found this lamp
up in the attic.

I thought I'd get it
working again.

No.

Oh, shit! That hurt so bad!

Please, God, let it be.
That thing'll kill somebody.

Alright. Alright.

Oh! I know
what I want you to do.

If you have time,
I would really love for you

to paint over the "Ms 13"
graffiti on the front porch,

first thing.

- My God, you're so adorable.
- Why am I...

"Ms 13". It's "MS-13".

Mara Salvatrucha.
It's this gang out of El Salvador.

It's the deadliest gang
in the world.

One of the...
Don't tell the Crips that.

But they're the deadliest gang
in the world.

So not only
is our new house tagged,

it's tagged by a famous gang.

Yeah. It's like Banksy.

You know how much
you love Banksy.

It's like that,
except, you know,

with knives and face tattoos.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

This is the worst idea
of our fives.

The Lower Lower
Garden District?

Hm!

People don't even know
this neighbourhood exists.

No, that's actually not true.
That's not true.

White people don't know that
this neighbourhood exists.

This neighbourhood
is on the upswing.

I read all about it in "Dwell".

You're not just a little
nervous in this house?

Hey.

There is not one thing
to be afraid of in this house.

- OK?
- OK.

Oh, my God! Honey!
Get something!

Goodness gracious,
y'all gave me a fright!

What are you doing out there?

I'm so sorry - I was just
standin' in your breezeway

like some kind of
ne'er-do-well.

Well, come on in.
Make yourself at home.

I absolutely will do that,
thank you very much.

Please allow me to introduce myself.
I am Fresnel Edmonds.

I live across the way
over here.

And you are
Jack and Vanessa!

Jack, you're a PhD student
at Tulane University.

How are you? Vanessa.

You are
an occupational therapist

expecting your first baby.

- Yep.
- Wow. You know a lot about us.

Come on, y'all - you can't move
into the 'Maison de Sang'

and not raise a few eyebrows.

- Frenell?
- F'resnel.

It's spelled
just like it sounds.

Yeah, F-apostrophe-R-E-S-N-E-L.

It's really nice
to meet you.

It's very nice to meet
the two of you as well.

- Sorry we screamed.
- I'm sorry I screamed.

- Did you say 'Maison de Sang'?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's what
all the locals call it.

That's the name we've been
using for years and years.

Oh! Well, that's cool.

This place has
a nickname already.

It's like 'Tara'
or 'Twelve Oaks'.

- A little bit like that.
- Well, that's very Southern.

It is very Southern.
What does it mean?

- 'House of Blood'.
- What?

'House of Blood'.

And, of course, the Cajuns,
they like to call it

'Lieu Oú Les Morts
Ne Sommeillent Jamais'.

- Oh, I like that.
- Ain't that pretty?

- I love the sound.
- And what does that one mean?

'Place where the dead
never rest'.

Then, of course,
there's also 'Casa Perderosa'.

That's Spanish
for 'House of the lost'.

And some call it 'the spooky
old house on down the way'.

But nothin' for y'all
to worry about. No, no.

Nobody has been murdered
in this house in a long time.

I mean, it's not like anybody
got murdered here yesterday.

Wow, see?

Nobody's been murdered here
for a long, long, long time.

- Years, it sounds like.
- I'm sorry. Did I say years?

If I did, I misspoke.
There have been very recent murders.

It's just that, uh, not any
in this calendar year.

By 'calendar year',
do you mean since January?

Exactly.
None in this calendar year.

Well, that's four solid months.

Well, give or take.

Probably more like three and a half,
maybe two and a half.

I'll go, like,
two months and a week.

But don't get me wrong.
It's a great house.

It got really good bones.

You mean structurally, right?

Not like there's bones
in here someplace!

Sure, sure, Vanessa.

- Let's say that's what I meant.
- Ohhh...

Well, I will now be on my way.

So if y'all need anything,
I'll always be real close by.

Goodnight to you both.

- Goodnight, F'resnel.
- Goodnight, now.

- Oh!
- Baby, can you...

Arggh!

- I apologise.
- Oh, my God! F'resnel!

Almost had the babies
right there.

Let me get it.
I'm sorry, y'all.

It sticks on the inside.
You gotta jimmy it a bit.

But it's real easy
to get open and closed

and get access to the home
at any point in time

during the day or night
from the outside.

OK. Thanks, F'resnel.

- Goodnight to you, now.
- Thanks. Goodnight.

- We have to get a lock on this.
- I know, I know.

What the fuck?

And while confronting the demon

that was inhabiting
the young woman's body,

Father Innocente was...

Himpaled, with an umbrella.

There was blood everywhere.

Not a very fitting end for
such a fine man of the cloth,

to be stab-bed with
the pointy end of an umbrella.

It was actually not
the pointy kind of umbrella.

It was actually one of those
little stubby umbrellas.

It had, like, the logo
of a local radio station on it.

One of those, you know?

It had the face of this guy
they call the Locador.

He's like a crazy luchador
of good times.

And his face
was on the umbrella.

The umbrella comes popping
through the chest

of Father Innocente.

It pop open. His heart
still pump for a few beats.

Blood sprays everywhere.

It was not something
you forget right away.

- It's all in the report, sir.
- Yes, about the report.

There is an awful lot
of details

about the impaling of Father Innocente
with the umbrella.

Next time, I don't need
so many details.

Just, yeah, broad strokes.

- The gist.
- Si.

Eminence, I must tell you this.

It was probably the kind
of umbrella they give you

if you go to an event that
the radio station is hosting.

Swag.

And this is the thing
that popped through the chest.

You know, like the dinosaur.
This one.

This is how it pop open,
and blood spray every place.

- It was really, really weird.
- It was really weird.

So weird.

Look, boys, I know
this was a very rough one,

but I may have
another job for you.

What is the case?

It's a real doozy.

You're already
playing catch-up.

Take a look at that photo.

- So gross.
- Super gross.

- Super gross.
- This is just a photograph.

In real life,
it's far more horrifying.

Get your asses on the chopper.

We are going to need...
some per diem.

You know that's not me, right?
I hope that wasn't for me.

- No, no, no.
- I was reminding myself.

"Go to Accounting.
We're going to need some per diem."

Level four. The guy down below.
The hunchback.

Yeah, near the fingers
of St Peter.

Don't let F'resnel
get to you even for a second.

Let me put it to you
this way.

If you were gonna buy
a lottery ticket,

which I know you wouldn't,
because we're snobs,

would you buy it
from the same exact 7-Eleven

where the last winning
lottery ticket was sold?

No. That's like lightning
striking the same place twice.

Yeah. Precisely.

So the fact that there have been
a couple of murders here...

- Several.
- Several murders.

The chance of there being
one murder

are so slim statistically.

A couple?
I mean, it's almost impossible.

So one more? Forget it.

You're safer than in any of
the murder-free places we've lived.

You coming to bed, baby?

Vanessa?

Sweetie?

Huh.

Hi, Vanessa.
This is Dr Marsden.

I was looking at the latest ultrasound,
and I have to say,

I'm...well, I'm not
quite sure how to say this.

I'm horrified.

Not just as a doctor,
but as a person.

You need to come to the office
immediately...

Arggh!

Oh! Shit! Fuck you, lamp!

Don't take no shit
off that lamp, Jack.

- Thank you, sweetie.
- You're welcome.

Oh, honey. Don't forget.

My sister's coming
to bless the house this week.

I don't know, baby.

That stuffs a little too
Burning Man for me, you know.

Jack. Please.

It's something that
she wants to do for us, OK?

OK.

- Plus Curly Bear left her.
- The Navaho guy?

Mm-hm. He stole all
her credit cards and her car.

- Oh, my God, that's crazy.
- Mm-hm.

- Marjorie has credit cards?
- Jack.

I did not expect that. It takes
a lot to get credit cards.

It takes credit.

- Be nice.
- Who knew?

Be nice. And let her
do her Wicca thing.

Eugh! God.

Vanessa!

Yes, darling?

What was in that drink
you gave me?

Iced tea, darling.

That's pure paint thinner, baby.

My bad.

You could have killed me.

I'm so sorry.

It's pregnant mommy brain.

I must have misread the bottle.

- Are you feelin' alright?
- What?!

You don't seem alright.
You seem...kind of off.

Me? No!

I feel great.

I've actually
never felt better.

Oh!

Whew. Sorry about that.

Bitches be trippin'!

Am I right?

That's some crazy shit.

I apologise, man.
I just scared the fuck out of you.

I just woke up
in your crawl space

and I was tryin' to tiptoe
through to the bathroom

without bein' seen,
and...

It was to no avail.
You know what I'm sayin'?

Did I hear you correctly?
You're sleeping in my crawl space?

Oh, my goodness, yes. Yes.

How can I explain this
to you, Jack?

You know that Shakespeare play
where the man says,

“Neither a borrower
nor a lender be,

"but to thine own self
be true"?

Yeah. It's Polonius to Laertes,
'Hamlet', act 1, scene 3.

Well, colour me impressed,
Jack Watson.

Colour.

Me.

Im.

Pressed.

Wow.

Hello? Who's there?

Oh, my God.

Hey, Vanessa!
I'm gonna take a nap, alright? I'm beat.

Of course.

Oh! Oh, my God, baby.
Don't, don't, don't!

Oh, my God, no. I can't...
I'm so sweaty. I'm so... I'm...

Oh, my God, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice. Would you do that thing...
Do that thing you did in Cancun.

Do that... Ow! Ow!
Oh, my God!

Huh! Oh, G...

Arggh! God! Hey! Careful!

Careful, baby! Ow!

Honey!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Honey, what's wrong?

- Oh, my God!
- I didn't do anything.

- What did you do?!
- I thought it was you.

You thought it was me?
You meant to kill me?

- No.
- Why do you have a boner?

- Honey? What's going an?
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, God. This looks terrible.
- Honey, who is she?

I don't know who she is!
She crept up on me.

- You don't know who she is?
- She crept up on me!

She snuck... I don't know.
I didn't mean to hurt her.

Jack!

No, no, no. We have to...
We have to... We have to...

- She'll be OK.
- She's not OK!

- What?
- She's not OK.

- No, no. She's not dead.
- She is dead.

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

OK. OK.

No. No cops.

Are you insane?
I just killed somebody!

Jesus Christ, Jack.
Jesus Christ!

When did you
start smoking again?

That doesn't matter.
Three hours ago. Let me think, OK?

This woman is dead.

Even if you tell your side,
who would believe it?

You want to be in jail
for the first years of my twins' life?

I've got to tell people
what really happened.

OK. OK. OK, baby.

OK.

What's the story, Jack?

Um... She tried to perform
oral sex on me.

And then I bludgeoned her to death
with a fire-extinguisher.

Holy shit! Oh, my God.

It sounds like I mouth-raped
somebody's grandmother

and then murdered her.

You can't go to jail.
We have babies on the way.

Let me think!

Dig.

- Oh, shit-balls!
- What?

You're supposed to call the city
before you dig.

There could be gas lines
anywhere.

That's real smart, Jack.

Let's call the city
and tell them

precisely where we're getting
rid of a corpse from a murder.

That's fair.

- Did you just hear...
- No.

I didn't even finish my question.
You just said no.

I didn't hear anything.

And if you did hear something,
it's probably nothing.

Oh, shit! Don't move a muscle.

There's a big fuckin' dog
staring right at you.

Invisitis.

Seriously?!

What the fuck is going on
right now?!

- You speak bull mastiff?
- Rottweiler.

- Are you crying?
- No.

- You're crying.
- I was dry-crying.

'Cause I was laughing
a little bit too.

I want you
to see a psychiatrist.

Will that make you feel better?

Yes, it will.

Then OK.

Well, a big hello to you two.

You must be Jack and Vanessa.
Or the other way around?

- I'm Dr Marshall.
- You're... Oh, hi.

I apologise for
the Lance Armstrong outfit.

- I am just nuts about biking.
- Us too.

Really?
What kind of bike you got?

Uh...

I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.

- We don't have bikes.
- At all.

I was just trying to be nice.

Looks like Jack here

might be Mr Cuckoo Pants,
not you - right, Vanessa?

That's fair.

Doctor, you can see the outline
of your penis in those shorts.

Baby, look.

You are 100% right about that,
Vanessa.

And I will change.

And then we will
open up the hood

and see what's gunkin' up
the works in there, OK?

- How does that sound?
- Sounds good.

Get out of there,
you crazy gremlins!

Leave this nice lady alone!

Don't worry, kid.
Mommy's not gonna be crazy forever.

- OK.
- OK.

There you go. Come on in.

Hold on. I'll be right in, OK?
Sorry.

- Hello?
- Jack, my main man!

There are two police officers

right here, right now,
in your home.

And they seem really anxious
to speak to you.

I didn't do anything.

That's interesting
that you would say that.

That sounds like a thing
a guilty person would say.

Well, I didn't do anything, OK?
Innocent people say that too.

I'm sure they do.

Wait. How did they find you?

Oh, long story.

They knocked on the door
and then I answered it.

At my house?

I just popped in for a shower.
No big deal.

Listen, F'resnel, just get rid
of the cops for now, OK? Please.

They want to talk about
Mrs Nussbaum.

Can we not talk about this
on the phone right now?

Get rid of the cops.
I'm begging you.

OK. Well, consider it done,
my white brother. Much love.

You're a riot!

Thank you so much, Doctor.

I can't tell you how much
we appreciate it. Thanks.

Whew!

That was fast.
What did he say?

That I'm 100% fine.

I'm just stressed out
about the babies.

He even wrote me a
prescription for valium.

- Isn't it great?
- What?

Yeah.

Wait.

He actually said "100% fine"?

And then he wrote you
a prescription for valium

even though you're eight months
pregnant with twins?

Yep.

Wow.
I'm just stunned, that's all.

I almost don't believe it.

Oh.

Well, if you
don't believe me, then...

...why don't you just ask him?

Let me just talk to him real quick, OK?
I'll be right back.

If you don't trust me
as the mother...

I'm the mother of your unborn babies,
but no, no, no, no, no.

I want you to go ask.

- I'm sorry.
- No! I want you to ask him.

I trust you. I trust you.

I trust you. I do.

I do. I'm sorry.
I just didn't trust him, you know?

Come on.
Let's get you some valium, huh?

Let's get you all valiumed up.
Alright?

You're the best.

Help me.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Fathers?

Excuse me. Hi.
I hate to be a pest, but...

Louisiana has some pretty sticky
clean indoor air laws,

and you guys are in major violation
of them right now.

So if you wouldn't mind taking
the cigarettes out of doors...

If we wrap this up in time,

I kind of want to check out
the French Quarter, eh?

Is this a place where
the girls flash their boobies?

Is the Vieux Carré.

It's the original city,
founded in 1718.

It's 78 square blocks
that are all protected

in national historic landmark.

It's an area steeped
in the history

of the Spanish and the French
and the Civil War.

But it is also the place where
the girls flash their boobies?

Si.

College girls taking their
perky brand-new boobs out

for a little victory lap.

Sweat of their young bosom mixing with Jagermeister

and the humidity of the bayou,
jiggling for fool's gold.

Please, my friend, you had me
at "perky new boobs".

Mmm.

Oh! Fuck!

I told you, let that thing be.

Is that dog back again?

I do not like that thing
creepin' around here.

I think it's kind of cute.

I'm gonna buy a gun.

- This neighbourhood is nuts.
- Smart, Jack.

Move to the ghetto and then
bring another gun in.

You should have
your NPR tote bag taken away

for comments like that.

Morning, y'all.

- Hi, F'resnel.
- How you doin'?

Jack Watson?
Orleans Parish Police.

Hi. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Jack Watson.

I'm sorry.
Have I done anything wrong?

You tell us, boy genius.
You tell us.

You wouldn't know the whereabouts
of one Ms Elaine Nussbaum?

About 90 years old, 5'9",
missing a couple of teeth?

- Nope. No, I don't.
- Huh. Really?

Has something happened to her?

You tell us.

- I...
- Is that a yes?

- You tell us.
- Tell us.

I don't know
anything about her.

If you're gonna ask questions,
should we get a lawyer?

If you're guilty, you absolutely should.
Absolutely.

Don't say another word.
If you're guilty.

So...are you?
Are you guilty, Shakespeare?

Are you, Einstein? Huh?

Let me ask you
a question, brainiac.

What did you do
that makes you so nervous?

What did you do, bookworm?

Nothing!
I...

I didn't do anything.

Why don't you take a walk
with us, Casanova?

Wait. I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Am I still Casanova?

Because up until now,
all the nicknames have been

"smart guy"-related, and
that's more like "lover boy".

I was trying to come up with
another smart guy and blanked.

Should have said
"Stephen Hawking".

So you...

Why don't you take a walk
with us, Moliére?

Nice.

So...

Haven't seen Ms Nussbaum in a while?

I'm wondering
how you'd explain this.

Oh, my God!

She just wanted
to say thank you.

Why does she want to say
thank you?

According to her, she got lost
when she was sleepwalking,

you found her, put her down for a nap,
and now she feels fine.

I feel fine!

She lives down at
the nursing home down the block.

She gets out all the time.

- Thought you checked her pulse.
- I did check her pulse!

- Somebody wants a hug.
- No.

It is our duty
to legally enforce that hug.

I'm pretty sure
you can't legally enforce a hug.

- Just suck it up.
- You have to do it.

- Just hug the bitch, champ.
- Guys, listen, listen...

I don't want to hug her, OK?
Please. She's old.

Hey! That is someone's
great-g rand mother!

Don't! OK. OK. OK.
I'll hug her. I'll hug her.

I'm so glad you're OK,
Mrs Nussbaum.

OK. Alright? Great.

Great. OK. OK. Great.

- OK. Guys?
- Act like a lady, Ms Nussbaum.

OK, I need a little help.
She's really strong!

- Act like a lady.
- Be a lady, Mrs Nussbaum.

Knock that shit off,
Mrs Nussbaum!

She's got her finger in my ass
and it hurts!

Bad Grandma! No!

- Oh! Oh!
- Jeez!

- Arggh!
- Still got it.

Her nails are so sharp.

- You OK?
- I'm sorry about that.

- That was gross.
- Is she alive?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
She'll be fine.

The fucking city turned down the power
on these babies to save money.

These things
couldn't kill anybody.

Oh! Fuck! Shit! Ah!

It's not a big thing.
You don't have to worry about it.

Yeah, you don't have to
worry about it.

Come on, Ron!
Shit, man! I got fillings.

Fuck!

Wow. If you don't need us
for anything else, we should...

- Yeah, that's about it.
- Great. OK. Good.

You know where to find us.

Thanks for helping us
sort all this out.

You're welcome.

Still don't know why that old lady
was dazed and covered in dirt, but...

Fuck it, right?

Oh, my God!

What just happened?

- I thought she was dead.
- Me too.

To living and learning.

To living and learning.

Ahh! Wow.

I think we have to
kill those cops.

- Yeah.
- Honey, they know way too much.

I'm really tired, but I can't tell
if you're joking or not.

I'm fine.

- I didn't ask if you were fine.
- I'm fine.

Need a new bottle.

Can we just tone it down
a little bit with the booze?

Hey.

Judge Judy.

Just everything
in moderation, OK?

No more.
You win. No wine.

I'm gonna go...

I'm gonna go wash all this
old-lady vagina off me.

Oh, my God. Oh!

I'll be thinking about this guy
next time I'm fighting off a boner.

Man! Check this out.

Gross!

Gross!

Gross!

- Eugh!
- Gross!

Hey, Father. Thanks for
coming down so quickly.

- Peace be with you.
- And also with you.

Peace be with you.

Yikes.

Our chief called you
as soon as he heard about this.

We get some voodoo stuff
every now and then,

but this just seemed
kind of more...

- Biblical.
- Biblical.

- Pretty weird.
- Super, super weird.

- Scusi.
- Be our guest.

Your crime scene.
Your crime scene.

Wow. Get any readings off him?

- We don't get readings.
- That's not us.

That's the ghost hunters.
We don't do that.

But is this
the work of the devil?

This?
Off the record?

Between you, me and
the crucified guy on the wall...

I'd say that this is the work
of the devil.

Or one of his very top guys.

People, they think
that the devil is made-up,

like Santa Claus.

But I assure you,
the devil is real.

And he's a dick.

Well, all due respect, padres,
we still gotta check

and see if there's a human
involved in this clambake.

But we're open
to the devil thing too.

Could be the devil.
Could be an ex-girlfriend on PCP.

- No problem.
- You do your thing, we do ours.

Not trying
to step on your toes.

We'll call the coroner, get him
taken to the morgue, call it a day.

"Hey, you guys new in town?
- Si.

Ever have a Domilise's
po' boy?

- Oh, po' boy.
- It's good.

- Mm!
- Mm!

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh! Ow.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah.

I can't eat anymore.

How did you two guys
become priests anyway?

Yeah, you guys don't really
even seem that gay.

My path to the priesthood
was, you know, the usual.

I was up-and-coming bullfighter
in Madrid.

- Wow.
- Shit.

- That's awesome.
- What happened?

What happened...

...is that the bull
does not lose every bullfight.

This bull was like
the Michael Jordan of bulls.

He was amazing.

He poked me through
like I was a custard flan.

And he was...
And he was a...

A bull. Exactly like that.

The bad thing is,

I could hear the parade
they threw for the bull.

'Cause this bull
was very popular then.

He's still popular now,

for almost killing
such a promising young matador.

So, what about you?
Were you a bullfighter too?

I was one of those
living statue guys.

Oh, yeah! Those weirdos
that paint themselves all white?

You make a lot of tips.
Ladies love it.

What happened?

Bad luck.

I got caught in the crossfire
of a local Mafia feud.

They were trying to
shoot a couple

who was testifying
against the family,

and I don't know
if they no see me

or they just think I'm a statue,
but I got shot 19 times.

19 times seems excessive.

They say it's still a record
in that part of Italy, huh?

- Not bad.
- For Italy, that is something.

Put that on your Facebook page.

They take me back to
a local hospital.

And there, the good sisters
save my life.

They suck the 19 bullets
out of my body

with their mouths.

I guess the doctor
was not there that day.

It was a good day.

Describe that memory
for just another second.

It was on that day I decided
to give my life to God.

You're probably wondering
how we became partners.

Let's tell the story.

- I was new to the force.
- And I'm a bit of a renegade.

- I think we get it.
- We get it.

- You no get along...
- Then you do get along.

Could I just tell
a little bit more?

- It's OK. I get it.
- We get it.

We listened to
your whole back story.

- I'm sure it's fascinating.
- I know. You're cops.

You don't get along,
then you do. We get it.

It's actually much more
complicated than that.

- That's OK.
- Hey!

Have you guys ever been
to Bourbon Street?

Hey.

Ahhh!

There you are, Sleeping Beauty.

I'm going back to bed, sweetie.

You've been asleep for 36 hours.
You feelin' OK?

- How many valium did you take?
- Not that many.

These little devils
are kicking me so hard.

And scratching
like a motherfucker.

Scratching?

I don't think that's right.

I think we should call
Dr Marsden.

I'm fine!

Oh. Don't forget.

Marjorie wants to do the smudge
ceremony for the house, OK?

OK.

Hah. Mm. Rrr!

Come on!

Oh, dammit!

Come on!

- Jackie boy!
- Oh, my God!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Ohhh.

- Wow.
- Hell.

My apologies. I must have
really given you a fright.

Just lurkin' down here
in your crawl space

like some terrifyin'
man-sized opossum.

I'm sorry.
Holy mackerel, man.

I'll tell you.
They're spooky, marsupials.

- Yeah.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Now's a good time

to set some ground rules
about coming and going.

Oh, you know what?
That reminds me.

Has somebody removed a box
of vintage pornography?

I had been looking after it, you see.

And then I just came in,
it just wasn't there no more.

It had moved in some
way, shape or form.

- No.
- You have not seen it?

- No, sorry.
- No? OK. Alright. OK.

Well, if you happen to come by it,
I do consider it mine.

- Alright.
- Before you get upset...

I know what you're thinking.

I don't want Fresnel
pleasurin' himself

"in my crawl space
to vintage pornography."

I get it.

I hadn't yet formulated
that thought into words,

but now you say it,
that's exactly what I was thinking.

Know what, Jack?
Let me tell you something.

It's just like
our boy Shakespeare says.

"If we lovers have offended,

"think but this
and all is mended."

I hate 'Midsummer...'

I wanted to ask you
about Mrs Nussbaum

and how she was
all covered up in that dirt,

and then asking after you,

and then the police comin'
and questionin' you.

I mean...

What was that all about?

That was just
a stupid misunderstanding.

- Oh! OK, OK.
- Yeah.

So it wasn't like you thought
you had murdered her

and you were actually
buryin' her alive?

What? No.

No? OK.

- No.
- What?!

No, I-I-I... I...

Well, I... F...

J... J...

No, may I ask what gave you

that very specific
and detailed impression?

Oh, well, you know...

You know, Jack...

Sometimes I see things.

I see lots of detailed things.

We have a friendly
relationship, right?

Of course, F'resnel.

So let's not worry about
my comings and goings

and worry about
our friendship.

Like when one of us sees the
other friend murder a person

and dispose of the body,
then we just let it slide.

Even if it's a half-murder,
like with you and Mrs Nussbaum.

What do you say?

Huh?

What do you think about that?

Of course.

- Hey, let me ask you something.
- Mm-hm.

Have you seen a big, scary dog
around here?

OK, now, Jack,

I'm sorry,
that dog is as exactly alive

as Mrs Nussbaum is dead.

Dog is a...

- I'm sorry, I can't do the math.
- It's a ghost dog.

That's a straight-up ghost dog.

Yeah. People been
seein' the dog and whatnot.

And I don't believe in it.

When you see a big-ass dog
runnin' around,

there's something else that
you see - you know that is?

- No, what?
- Dog poop.

- Dog...?
- Dog poop!

When you got a dog
runnin' around,

there'll be big old piles
of dog poop everywhere.

And I have been here
for 15 years,

I ain't never, never seen
no one pile.

- 15 years, no...
- No poop.

Not a single bit.
That's just a phantom dog, OK?

He's probably a spectre
from the beyond, OK?

He's probably some kind of
devil's minion

who has taken a form
that he knows will scare us.

This is food for thought
for you right now.

Ghosts don't kill people.

People kill people.

And occasionally,
you'll have a person

who's under the evil power of a ghost
who will kill somebody.

But I've gotta tell you
somethin' right now.

This house, I think it's got
its best days ahead of it.

- Thanks, F'resnel.
- You're welcome, brother.

I think...
I need to get a po' boy.

Are you game?

Oh, no, no, no.
I shouldn't.

You know what? Fuck it!

- Mm!
- Mm. Wow.

- Wow.
- Mm-hm?

- Wow!
- Mm! Hot-diggity.

- Whoo!
- Mm-hm.

Wow!

- There it is.
- Brrr!

- Mm-hm.
- Wow!

Ahhh!

Two more shrimp po' boys!

Fuck!

- Arggh!
- Arggh!

Arggh! Arggh!

Oh! Oh!

I AM SO SICK OF BEING STARTLED!

- Mrs Nussbaum?
- No, silly, it's me!

I hope there's some hot water
left over

for ze little monsieur.

- Arggh!
- Oh, my God!

Marjorie!

Why is my wife's sister
in my shower?

I got to set some ground rules
around here, starting right now.

I said it was me. Jeez.

Wait, the little monsieur?
Really?

No! You have to know
the context.

Wait a minute.

I didn't know
you were circumcised, Jack.

Really? We never covered that
at Thanksgiving?

It's genital mutilation,
you know.

Slicing off the tops
of boys' dicks because

a couple-of-thousand-year-old
book

about a medicine man
named Moses says to do it?

- That's religion for you.
- Ha!

OK. Well, um...
Let's talk about something else.

When did you leave
the reservation?

You have a pretty nice dick,
Jack.

Thank you?

You know I don't believe
in marriage,

which is basically
institutionalised slavery

and the subjugation of women.

I've never heard you
say that before.

Just because you're married to my sister
doesn't mean you own her.

So, what were we talking about
before the dick thing?

Uh, yeah. When did you leave
the reservation?

Last week - I moved to
a cooperative farm in Baton Rouge.

- Yuck.
- It's pretty cool. Here.

Help a sister out
and get my back, will you?

- I...
- Thank you.

- Oh, that smells awful.
- It does not.

It's all-natural
organic quinoa flax lotion

with kelp and
octopus placenta.

- Octopus placenta.
- Oh, such strong hands!

My sister's got
such good taste.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a fucking idiot
with guys.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

Curly Bear left me.

He embarrassed me
in front of the whole tribe.

I doubt it.

He stole my Subaru Outback,
credit cards and banjo.

And my MacBook Pro.

- I bet you called the cops.
- No, of course not.

If anything, I should be
thanking Curly Bear.

You know, I was so wrapped up
in material BS

that I was missing the moment.

Yeah, I know that banjo
was totally holding you back.

Yeah.

- Spin. I'll do you now.
- No.

Trust me - this stuff is like your skin
never breathed before,

like it's been suffocating
until today.

Skin doesn't breathe.
You ever heard that?

- It's impossible.
- Sure, Jack.

Ohhh.

It's not sexual, Jack.
It's just people.

Awesome! Well, thank you
for the octopus placenta.

- You're welcome.
- And that conversation.

And I am gonna go
anywhere else,

because I've got a ton to do,

and this is
wildly inappropriate.

- You have an erection, Jack.
- Yeah. I get 'em.

It's nothing to be embarrassed by.
It's totally natural.

If anything, I think
it should be celebrated.

That's what a maypole
symbolises, of course.

Of course.

- Hey!
- Oh! Wow!

It's like Grand Central Station
in here!

- Hi!
- You must be Marjorie.

Nice to meet you.
I am F'resnel.

I'm very sorry to hear about
Curly Bear.

Pfff!

Thank you.

Ai-baba!

We call on you,
Ogou Fe.

We thank you for cleaning
this house of evil.

We thank Jack for
opening his doors and his heart.

We thank F'resnel for bearing
witness to the ceremony.

We thank this guy for...

I'm just here to install
the cable internet.

Sorry, the circles
aren't even established,

so if you'll bear with us
a few minutes.

Cool.

So sorry
you got roped into this.

Wait. Where's my sister?

She's lying down.
She's not feeling well.

You should have insisted!

I did. And she did this.

- Goddamn! Goddamn!
- Oh, dear.

That could get infected.
You might want some Bactine...

Thank you! I put some
fucking Bactine on it!

- Whoa, Jack.
- I'm sorry.

It's just that this house has had
a strange effect on my wife,

and I think she might be
possessed by a demon,

so I'm a little stressed out.

This is an evil house,

so we're doin' this little
gris-gris ceremony.

And not a day too soon neither.

It's actually
a Haitian ceremony.

It cleans the space
of bad spirits.

Cool! Very cool.

Again, just here for
the cable internet.

- Is there marijuana in there?
- Uh-huh, yeah.

Is that what usually
goes in there?

No, it's usually just tobacco,
but tobacco is so bad for you.

Is it just me, y'all,
or is this some...

...very, very...

...very strong marijuana?

- We grow it on the reservation.
- Do you, now?

- Yeah.
- Good for you, baby.

My hands are like the Hulk.

You know the Incredible Hulk?

They're, like, regular-size?
They feel like Hulk hands.

Oh!

Like I could just punch
a crater into the ground.

I think I should go
to the hospital.

I also have to go to the hospital.
The other me.

He has to go to the hospital.
I can get down there to him.

Shh. Just ride it out.
It's like surfing a wave.

It seems too big at first,

and then soon,
you're coasting into the beach

and the view is fantastic.

You guys, it's so beautiful!

It's not a different me.
It's me from a different time!

Ohhhh!

Ee pacho! Ee home! Be clean!

And now this place is clean.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- It's an earthquake!
- Go to the doorway!

That is a myth! Get next to
a large piece of furniture!

Run outside!

Well, that is incredibly odd.

Whoa! The earthquake
is only inside the house!

Everybody out!

Goddammit! What...?

Hey!

You guys bought
the 'House of Blood', huh?

Yeah.

Mind if I ask
what you got it for?

320.

Oh.

- Hi!
- Hi!

- Hi. Hi.
- What's happen...

- Hi.
- Hi.

There's an earthquake,
but it's only inside.

It's not outside.

I say we just go
and wait it out.

I'm probably just gonna go,
if that's OK with you guys.

- Yeah, OK.
- Could you sign this?

Saying you're satisfied with
my installation of cable internet?

- OK.
- Just initial that.

- Great.
- Alright. Great.

Are you sure
you're OK to drive?

Well, I am very, very high,
so...let's find out.

OK.

We have to get out
of this house tonight.

This is like in the movies

when insane shit happens
and they still don't leave.

No.
Do not be rash.

You always do this.
This is our home.

Something obviously thinks
that it's its home.

It's trying to scare
the shit out of us!

You're screaming at me
and I like it here!

- Well, I don't like it here!
- Hey, everybody, calm down.

Listen, you lovebirds.
Don't fight right now, OK?

We'll talk this all over

over one of F'resnel's
famous pizza salads!

Ha-ha! Alright.

Mm!

Uh-huh. What did I tell you?

When you said "pizza salad"...

...I was kind of sceptical,
F'resnel.

I thought you were gonna
throw pizza slices in a bowl of salad.

That's very much what I did do.
Precisely, in fact.

That's why we call it pizza salad.
Know what I'm sayin'?

You just take a Domino's pizza,

you toss it in a bowl with some salad,
also from Domino's.

Well, I think this is
a perfect time to bring up

some of the weird stuff
that's been going on in the house.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Namely Marjorie's
'smudge' ceremony.

Think it may have awoken
something really big.

- Thank you!
- Not a c...

Or 'someone' could have hit our gas line
while digging in the backyard.

- That could also explain it.
- Actually...

I don't think
that explains it, Vanessa.

There is nothing wrong
with this house.

OK.

Old houses settle.

That was...
way beyond settling!

Way beyond settling!

I know carpentry.
That was not settling, Bob Vila! OK?

That was a three-minute-long
massive shock wave

that would register at 6 or 7
on a Richter scale.

You are packing your kimono
and we are going to a motel tonight!

- Are you Jack Watson?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I mean,
we met here two days ago.

- Right here.
- Oh. Did we, Mozart?

Did we meet two days ago?

Don't be a dick...Renzo Piano,
the famous architect.

- Your fat wife around?
- My wife's pregnant with twins.

Yeah
right!

- Heard that before.
- Where's she at?

In the kitchen eating pizza salad
with my sister-in-law

and my black friend
and neighbour, F'resnel.

You don't have to be
that specific with us, sir!

Mind if we ask her
a couple questions?

Could I say no?

Yeah, but then we
come back with a warrant

and you better be lawyered up,
Gregory Hines.

The dancer guy?

- I don't know why I said that.
- I don't either.

Folks, we need you to look at
some photographs,

but I will warn you,
they are a little bit graphic.

- Oh, God.
- um

Oh, heavens. I apologise.

Yeah, they're graphic.

- Jack?
- Honey...

Oh, no. I'm not gonna puke.
I mean... Not a puker.

Oh, God, F'resnel.

It's OK.

Very natural.

- Oh, God.
- They're very gruesome.

Very gruesome pictures.

It's OK.

Oh, God!

- OK.
- OK.

Perhaps we could continue
this conversation

in the living room,
which has less vomit in it.

Mm-hm.

This is Dr Michael Marshall.

Or, at least, it was.

- 'Cause he's dead!
- Oh, my God!

His records indicate

that you were the last person
to see him, Ms Watson.

He wrote down when he died?
That's pretty weird, isn't it?

"That's pretty weird, isn't it?"

Fuck you.

Hers was the last appointment
on his books.

Now, we're not saying that
you did anything, obviously.

We just want to know
if you saw anything,

heard anything...unusual -
that's all.

No, I...

God...

I can't believe
this kind of thing can happen

in this day and age.

Hey.

What's with the blood
on your shirt?

- Oh.
- Yeah, gosh.

I should have
taken care of this.

I scratched myself earlier,
and, um...

What'd you scratch yourself on?
A grizzly bear?

The question remains.

Did you...see anything...
unusual?

I told you, no.

Neither of you saw anything
out of the ordinary?

That's good.
Alright, thank you, guys.

Thank you very much
for your time.

- No further questions from us.
- We appreciate your patience.

We will be in touch.

Have a good day.

Well, they're hidin' something.

While you were talking,
we did a full sweep of the house.

We searched the place,
and we feel

there is something very unholy
about this house.

- Si.
- I can tell you this.

That fat girl,
she doesn't know a thing.

The woman, does she look
anything...like this?

Whoa! Yeah.

Great skates!

She looks a lot like that.

We take these pictures
in the house three minutes ago.

What the shit?

You took these in the house
three minutes ago?

How'd you print 'em out
so quick?

Holy cow!
That's a small printer.

Tiny printer, right?

It's not about the size,
it's about the quality!

I'm impressed!

Printer technology move forward
these days, leaps and bounds.

It's adorable.

This is the same tiny printer
that is endorsed by Ashton Kookener.

Ashton Kushner, he say,
"Only one printer I use..."

- That one!
- Well, he's cool.

And if he's usin' it, by de facto,
I'm kind of cool, right?

I like all of the movies

where Ashton Kushner
get married by accident

then wake up and, "Oh!"

And the judge goes,
"I sentence you to marriage."

- "You can't do this!"
- I love this.

- "You cannot do this!"
- 'Cause marriage is a sentence.

What were we saying?

With the hell hound,

with the crucifixion
in the doctor's office,

we feel it is very possible
we have demonic possession.

I don't know, guys.

They're actually super-sweet,
and the woman, I mean,

she's, like,
meggo-preggo...

So I don't know.

She is preggo?

Jeepers.

How far along is she?

Well, guys, we're not doctors,
but she's pretty far along.

She's ready to drop.

Look, we'd love
to help you out, but, I mean,

just because you think
someone's possessed,

we have pictures of a ghost dog

and a gruesome
crucifixion murder,

none of these things
really connect.

If they did it,
they'll slip up,

and when they do,
we'll be here.

We got everything
under control.

- Jeez!
- What the hell...

Oh! Oh, it's just a crow.

- It's just a crow.
- It's just a dead crow.

It's a harpy.
See for yourself, huh?

- You guys get a lot of these?
- You'd be surprised.

Kinda, yeah.

What does it mean?

The harpy? It's a harbinger.

Of evil.

It is a message from hell.

Trust me, things are about
to get very, very bad.

Gee whiz. I am so sorry.

There was a bumblebee in the car,
and I just lost control...

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck!

Well...what should we do now?

Now we wait.

Now...we wait.

- We need a doctor.
- No.

We need a priest.

Guys! Guys. Guys!

Yaaa!

Have no fear, sir.

Who are you guys?

We are...team four.

Why did you
let them impale me with that umbrella?

Do not listen to him!
He is the father of lies!

Ar

You guys got this?
Everybody cool?

Oh, God!
Here they come!

- This is some shit!
- Somebody help me!

The babies are coming!

Breathe, Vanessa!
Breathe, Vanessa, breathe!

It hurts so bad!

Remember what they
taught us in class!

- I can see it! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Ar

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

- What is it?
- Oh!

It's a boy.

It's a perfect baby boy.

Congratulations.
- It's a miracle.

You ever seen a home birth before?
They're the best.

- Honey! Honey!
- Just one more to go!

You guys, something's wrong!

It hurts so bad, this one.
Something's wrong! It's...

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

It's biting me!
Arggh!

- Focus.Focus.
- Alright.

Push! Push!

Arggh!

Holy fucking shit!

Oh, faaaa...

Arggh!

No, Jack!

You must kill it, Jack,
you must!

- He's my son!
- He's not your son!

He wants to rise and rule the world
for a thousand years!

Oh, shit!

- Hey, guys.
- Shh!

Alright, y'all, I'm goin' in.

Hello, devil baby!

Ain't nobody out here
tryin' to hurt you.

Everything's gonna be OK,
little devil baby.

Arggh!

Fuck!

I stubbed my goddamn toe!

Oh, that smarts!

I did the same thing
in there yesterday.

- Hey, everybody.
- What?

I'm comin' back with the baby!

OK, here we go.

OK. It's gonna
be alright now.

Fuck this!

Ar

- You guys be careful!
- Whoa, sorry.

Oh, no!

Ar

- I got a shot! I got a shot!
- No, you'll shoot one of us!

- He's a great shot! Take it!
- Be careful!

Being careful
don't kill devil babies.

Noooooo!

Shit!

No! No! No! No! No! Please!

Ar

You! Are! Not! My! Baby!

That's the spirit, Vanessa!
Punch this devil baby!

Punch him back to hell!

I hate you!
You're not my baby.

Don't listen
to his crocodile tears.

Mama.

You want Mommy
to hold you? Come...

It's OK. It's OK.

Ah! No, no, no!

Vanessa! Let go of my sister!

- Little baby!
- Kill it!

Let's drown it!
Do you have a woodchipper?

Not to tell y'all how to parent,
but should we

let your good baby watch us
murdering the devil baby?

It might have a lasting impression
psychologically.

Right. Good point.
Get the good baby out of here.

Go, go, go!

- Marjorie?
- What?

I ain't known you that long,
but I'm 100% in love

and want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

Me too!

Just do me a favour
and stay alive.

I will.

The spirit gods
will protect me!

- Oh, shit!
- Arggh!

Marjorie?
No!

Oh! Oh!

AH-AH-AH-AH-AH!

What can I do?
What can I do?

Use the Jesus knife!
Kill that motherfucker!

Demonic child, I send you back
to the depths of hell

from whence you came!

- Arggh! Fuck this! Fuck!
- Let me hold him down!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh!

Ar

Oh! Oh, no! Ah! Oh!

Not going to make it.

Do it, my friend.

I meant...not going to make it,

so call an ambulance, please.

Why you do the pause
in the middle of the first part

of the important part?

No! Devil! Babies!

In! My! Parish!

Ar

Oh, my God.

- I have an idea! Catch!
- What?

No! Jack! Where are you going?

You must fight! You are
the only one that can stop him!

Get off my wife, you asshole.

NOW!

Thank you, F'resnel.

My pleasure.

Thank you, Father.

Just doing our job.

But the...the other priest...

We're...we're so sorry.

It's OK.

He always know one day
the Lord would call his name.

But he was your friend.
And I'm really sorry.

Huge bummer.

Knowing him,
he would rather die this way,

fighting the devil, than on
a golf course or something.

- That's the spirit.
- I like that.

Wow!

Look who found a bike!
Alright, Mrs Nussbaum!

That's terrific.

- Wow.
- Just terrific.

What a crazy week, huh?

- I was possessed by the devil!
- I know! You were such a bitch.

Always freak you out
a little bit.

I can't believe it started

with white people movin'
into the neighbourhood.

- That's crazy enough.
- Only up from there.

We were already at a seven,
you know? That's crazy.

I love the way
black people speak.

So I guess everything's
wrapped up, huh?

All sewn up
like a little present.

What about that dirty magazine
with your picture in it from the '70s?

- What's going on with all that?
- Honey!

My mother did porno
in the '70s. I told you that.

- I knew that.
- Just for a year and a half.

She paid her way
through college.

Look at this guy!

- Look at this!
- Hell, no!

- I thought you were a phantom.
- I thought so too!

That's just a big dog that want
a whole lot of love.

That dog's licking
your sister's blood.

Ohhh!

- That's creepy.
- No. That's a bad...

- No, baby.
- Get out of here. Bye-bye.

- Hey, baby.
- So...

- What?
- What do we do now?

Now we live, Jack.

Now we go on about
that crazy little thing called livin'.

Let's not waste another moment.

Not another moment wasted.

That's not another moment.
Our lives begin today.

- Father...
- Si?

- What's your name?
- Sebastian.

Then that's what
we'll call our son.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Sebastian.

That is really lovely.
That's so sweet.

Sebastian F'resnel.

Watson.

That's beautiful.

We wouldn't have this baby
if it weren't for both of you.

That part's true.

We'll put Sebastian F'resnel
at the top of our list, because...

Baby, there's no other list.
That's it.

There is a list.
We've got a book that we've...

It's just that it's the nicest thing
that any white person...

...has ever done for me.

'Cause walkin'
the street sometimes,

you don't even get
as much as a hello.

- F'resnel...
- And y'all just...

Hello.

Jack, look me in the eye.

Cool. Well, you're welcome.

- We'll talk about it.
- That is really somethin' else.

Remember at times like these,

you should see the glass
as half full.

You have this beautiful baby.

Do not think about the little baby
who you kill upstairs.

If you excuse me,
I got to go bury my friend.

And then I gotta go
return the rental car.

- Don't be late doin' that.
- Good luck.

- Peace be with you.
- Thank you, Father.

Hey.

It's a brand-new day,
the sun is shinin' in New Orleans,

and everything is just
lookin' on up from here.

I gotta tell you, man,
for a minute there,

I didn't think I'd make it
through all that devilishness.

Whoa! Looky here!

Dog poop!
That's dog poop!

Dog poop!

Hot damn! Are you kiddin' me?
And I almost stepped in it.

Must be my lucky day.

Ar

Fuck!

Oh! Oh!
Did I just hit your friend?