Original subtitles

Look at me, I'm covered in the Prada

- In the Prada

- Hella swag

I think I got a lotta, lotta dollar bills

And pills and got a lot of problems

They're acting kinda fishy, like piranha

- Like piranha

- You eating McDonald's

But I'm eating steak and lobster

Butter on my biscuits, butter on these bitches

Did a lot of things

- [PHONE RINGING] - My granny wishin' that I didn't

Tell her I got hella, hella rings

She'll be interested...

[GROANS]

- [PHONE CONTINUES RINGING] - [EXHALES]

[GROANS]

Ugh, why is my mom calling me so early?

Yeah?

RANDI: Baby, I'm in the hospital.

What? Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Hard to say. I need you to go to the house

and get my slippers, my sweater

and my Us Weekly with the bookmark in it.

Bring 'em to the Baptist Clearwater ICU for me.

- Okay? - Of course.

I'll be right there.

[GROANS] My mom's in the hospital.

Does she got scabies?

My mom always get scabies.

SHELBY: What?

[GROANS]

Man, I think I'm still drunk.

Oh...

this is so good.

- Man, I miss having a bed. - Dude.

Go to your mom's and get your bed.

I can't. When I moved out, that bitch told me

[SLURRING]: if I ever came back, she'd shoot me.

I got to go get Liam.

[EXHALES]

- [BEEPS] - Awesome.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Thanks, man. Uh...

Here's some gum.

I know you want some

Take another hit, take another...

RANDI: And you puked in the freezer.

Do you know hard it is to clean up frozen puke?

- Huh? - Wait, I thought...

you said you were in the hospital.

I am in the damn hospital. Open your eyes.

[SIGHS] Yeah, but I thought you meant that you were the one...

Yeah, I know what you thought. But had I told you

that this worthless piece of shit

was in the hospital, you wouldn't have came,

and you know you wouldn't have came.

God. What is wrong with him this time?

What's right with him?

You know, I threw out all the booze

in the house, right, trying to sober him up

like the loving wife I am, and this no-good drunk

found a half a bottle of rubbing alcohol

and drank the whole damn thing.

Now I got to spend three nights in this hellhole

while they rehydrate him.

- Jesus. - [RANDI GROANS]

- [TURNS ON TV] - Ooh, Judy's on.

[PATS COUCH]

No, I can't stay. I'm exhausted.

- We got in so late last night. - Ooh.

What's his name?

I need details.

Tell me when to stop.

Good God, and you ain't walking wide?

[CHUCKLES]: No, no, no. There's no guy.

We just... we went to Hogan's for Margarita Buckets

and had way too many buckets.

Ooh, Bucket Night is my favorite night.

You know, that's when I hooked up

with that freaky dude, Chocolate Chip.

- Mm-hmm. - [CHUCKLES]

- [GROANS, CHUCKLES] God. - [LAUGHS]

Hit that lick, come through with that stick

Got that extra clip...

KAITLIN: Shiny D, come on.

I'm begging you. You're my last option.

- [CLICK] - Hello?

Aah, no!

[EXHALES]

Well, I guess I'm a complete joke.

I told everyone I was throwing Josh Travis's

island party this weekend, but I can't get the kegs

to the island without a boat.

[DOOR OPENS]

Where are you coming from?

Oh, snap. Did we leave you at the McDonald's?

No, my mom tricked me into going to the hospital.

Sounds like it was better than my morning.

Girl, I know where you could get a boat,

but you ain't gonna like it.

Wh-Where? Who? I'm desperate.

- Breezy Lopez. - Fuck you.

In high school, that bitch got off

on reminding me that she had so much more money than me.

Like, "Hey, Kaitlin, you want a ride home

in my Jeep Grand Cherokee?" No, I frickin' don't.

I love the bus.

Hanging out in the back, eating chips,

making fun of Riley's big-ass forehead.

Screw that bitch. I'm taking her boat.

[LINE RINGS]

- BREEZY: Hello? - Yo, it's Kaitlin.

Kaitlin?

[SCOFFS] Kaitlin Hudd.

[CHUCKLES] Big tits, perfect skin,

everyone wanted to bone me in high school?

Um...

My mom worked at Hooters,

and my dad died in a forklift accident.

Oh, Kaitlin. Hey! Wow.

I haven't talked to you in so long.

How are you?

[SCOFFS] Like you care. Anyway...

What the hell are you doing?

You want her boat.

You got to butter her up. Be nice.

Be nice? What am I, five?

- [GROANS] - Hello?

Hi! [CHUCKLES]

I'm doing well. Thanks for asking.

- Um, anyway, I need a favor. - Sure.

You can't just come out and ask.

- Hello? - You got to do it in person.

It's harder to say no in person.

Hello?

[CLEARS THROAT] So, uh, the favor is that I, um...

miss you,

and I want to hang out with you, so, uh...

can I come over?

I'm actually packing for vacation.

My parents are taking me to the Bahamas tomorrow.

Maybe I could come over and help you pack?

Um... okay?

Okay, cool. See you soon.

Oh, God. [GAGS] I'm gonna puke.

[GAGS] Oh, God, that was a nightmare.

Ew, dude.

What kind of dumb-ass family goes on vacation together?

I wish my family went on vacation.

It beats drinking rubbing alcohol and going to the hospital.

Yeah, Breezy, like, loves her family.

Every night, she would leave step practice

to have family dinner.

Family dinner?

What is that, like, Thanksgiving, but every night?

Whatever. I'm not hanging out

with that fake-ass Cuban Barbie by myself. Y'all are coming.

Oh, you know I'm coming. I haven't been to a mansion

since I broke up with rich-ass Harold.

I miss the good life.

- I'm-a soak that shit up. - [LAUGHS]

Mm. And forget this wack-ass old coffee.

I bet you they got "expressos."

[ALL LAUGH]

ERICA: Can y'all keep it down?

I'm finally getting some good sleep in a real bed.

Get dressed. We're going to a mansion.

Oh, tight.

Uh-uh-uh, Erica. Nope.

You don't need all those pockets.

You can't steal from these people. I need their boat.

I'm just putting this on 'cause...

I'm suddenly cold.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

Of course the boat's just sitting out in the driveway,

making everyone look at it.

Ah, classy people don't knock.

- Their houses too big. - [DOORBELL RINGS]

They can't hear it.

Oh. You brought your friends to help me pack.

Erica! Wow.

I haven't see you since... prom?

Oh, yeah, that was bullshit.

They arrested me just 'cause I didn't go to school there no more.

- And you were smoking weed. - And you had a knife.

- And I stole a computer. - Yeah, yeah.

So, I-I brought my friends with me

'cause they love packing. We're great packers.

- So here we are. - Yes. The more, the merrier.

- Come on in. - Ooh.

Sorry the place is a mess.

Our cleaning lady is out of town.

Oh, you have a cleaning lady?

- What a cool thing to tell people. - [LAUGHS]

Accent pillows.

Marble.

[STOMPS FOOT]

Porcelain tile.

- Yeah. - Ew.

Dude, look at these jerk-offs, pretending to love each other

and then forcing us to look at it.

It's disgusting.

Come on, let's get high

- Smoke, smoke

- Uh

- Go ahead and light it

- Go ahead and light it

If you got that feeling in you, then don't fight it

Just get with it, uh, check how I spit it, uh

Yeah, come and get it, see, I exhibit...

Oh, well, look at this.

It's turned into a packing party.

- [JAYLA GIGGLES] - Hello, ladies.

Can I get you all something to drink?

Oh, no, thank you. I can afford my own drinks.

ERICA: I'll have a Kool-Aid.

Well, we don't have that, but I just made some fresh orange juice.

Oh, no, thank you. You got Squirt?

We'll have four expressos, please.

- I don't want expresso. - I'm having two.

Oh, honey, you don't have enough room in that suitcase.

Why don't you take the big one?

I'm happy to use the small one.

Okay. Excuse us, girls. Come.

- What the hell was that? - [GROANS]: God...

Why is her dad here?

And why was her mom folding her clothes?

In rich families, the parents do the chores.

It's a bunch of fake BS.

Kind of like these fake-ass flower...

[SNEEZES]

Whatever. Still look fake as hell.

Are you crazy?

Her parents were just so...

- polite and helpful. - [GRUNTS]

A-And then her mom was, like, taking care of her?

[SCOFFS] I didn't even know that was possible.

And those photos out there, and all this... this stuff, I...

[CHUCKLES] I think this is, like,

what a family is supposed to be.

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING "F?R ELISE"]

I love it here.

[PHONE RINGING]

[GROANS, SIGHS]

- Yeah, Mom? - RANDI: Chuck's missing.

I went to the bathroom, and he ran away.

Seriously? I'm in the middle of something.

He's supposed to be on a tube, Shelby.

He might die.

Fine. I'll be there soon.

[SHELBY SIGHS]

MIA: Okay. Here we go.

You don't really have to let me borrow your big suitcase.

You do too much for me already.

I'm a mom. It's my job. [CHUCKLES]

RANDI: Hello? You still there?

Hurry your bitch-ass up.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

[SIGHS] Okay. Now, he could be anywhere.

Okay? We're gonna start at The Hill,

and then we're gonna go from there.

Mom, I don't want to search for Chuck all day.

My friends are at this really nice family's house.

I know you're not saying hanging with those hood rats

is more important than saving your father's life.

He's my stepfather, and I've never even spoken to him.

Oh. It'll be quick. He's drunk, wearing a hospital gown.

He'll be easy to spot.

Uh, no, that ain't him.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...

Oh. Thank you so much.

I'm going to enjoy my expresso by the pool.

What? No. Don't leave.

We're helping Breezy pack, and it's so fun.

It's very fun, but I think I left something in the foyer.

I'm gonna retrieve it for a while.

What? This ain't fun.

This sucks. It sucks up here.

Are you kidding me?

Rich, rich, we the rich...

This family has exquisite taste.

[GROANS, SPITS]

Except for this expresso.

Oh, I love this horse.

[CLINKING]

Genuine crystal.

[JAYLA LAUGHS]

Man, I'm still real tired.

Well, this will wake you up.

Check this out.

[WHIRRING]

This shit will chop up anything.

[GIGGLES]

[CLINKING, GRINDING]

Not that.

Still works.

Avocados are like ketchup for rich people.

They put this on everything.

[GASPS SOFTLY] Oh, child, this is organic!

That means there's no poison on it.

[SNIFFS] They dropped some coin on these.

Is this the master?

Yes.

You can tell by the en-suite bathroom.

Memory foam.

[SMACKS LIPS] Okay.

You go ahead. I'll meet you out there.

[SIGHS]

Oh...

[RECORDING OF BABBLING BROOK PLAYS]

Tight.

[CHUCKLING]: Oh, yeah.

KEN: Yeah, he was just here.

He took six shots of whiskey, ordered a pizza,

called me a narc,

and then took off without paying.

[LAUGHS]

Well, that certainly sounds like him.

[SHELBY GROANS]

Uh, okay, uh, so where'd he go, Ken?

I don't know. He seemed pretty out of it.

Oh, did he?

But you served him anyway.

Come on. This place is trash.

Trying to kill my husband.

You're lucky I don't sue!

Hold up.

You owe me 20 for Chuck.

Uh, I don't have any money. [CHUCKLES]

So, uh, either you pay him, or we running.

What? Mom!

[GROANS]

Don't tip him.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, he was here.

Barfed all over the keno machine.

I chased him down,

but he threw a pizza at me, called me a narc

and ran towards the boat ramp.

Ran? Now, that doesn't sound like him. [LAUGHS]

Ow! Stop. Can we please just go find him?

Wait. Wait!

You know, I was about to clean up the barf,

but since y'all are here.

Sciatica.

What?!

Yo, I can't believe you left me alone in there with MTV Cribs.

Can you tell where that music's coming from?

- What? - You hear music,

but do you see the speakers?

No, 'cause they look just like rocks. [LAUGHS]

That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Mm. You just don't understand classy people.

Ugh! I can't pretend to be nice to these people anymore.

I'm just gonna go in there

and ask Breezy if I can borrow her boat,

and then we're getting the hell out of here.

Uh-uh! You can't just come out and ask her.

Whenever I wanted something from Harold,

I would hint around about it till he thought it was his idea.

Worked every time.

Well, how the hell do I do that?

I just explained exactly how to do it.

So...

what's your favorite boat?

Um... I don't know.

- The Titanic? - [QUIETLY]: Jesus Christ.

Uh, what's your second-favorite boat?

Uh, I guess our boat. [CHUCKLES]

No way! You have a boat?

You walked right by it to get inside.

Yeah, right. Prove it.

I'm-I'm on top, ain't no other

I'm a stunner

I can't believe you married this guy.

- Go get him, Shelby. - [SPLASH]

Go get him? He's in the freakin' ocean.

I'm not going in there.

Well, obviously, I can't.

You know water isn't good for my joints.

[GASPS] I'm so sick of this.

What is going on with you today?

Did you know that moms are actually supposed

to take care of their daughters?

They're supposed to be selfless and helpful.

And they're supposed to take pictures of the family

and frame them and put them on a little table.

And they're supposed to give their daughter the big suitcase,

not force them to swim after their drunk stepdad.

You are a terrible mom.

I am done with all this shit.

Just leave me alone!

Okay, okay

Uh

Okay, okay

[SIGHS]

- Bad boy

- Okay, okay

I need you to blow into my Breathalyzer.

Uh, okay, okay

Yeah

- Okay, okay

- [BLOWING]

Hands up in the air, don't move, okay

I don't know how you didn't see our boat

- on your way in. - Right? 'Cause your parents,

like, have it out on display for everyone to gawk at.

So, um, do you ever let anyone get in it that's not you?

Um... [CHUCKLES] What is going on?

- What? - I mean, I haven't talked to you

in, like, ten years, and you kind of just show up,

and now you're asking me all these weird questions.

I'm just...

I really missed you, Breezy.

Look, I'm... I'm hugging you.

- I'm gonna hug you now. - Oh.

I'm gonna put my arms around you like this.

Oh.

We're hugging now.

Wow. Um, it's funny.

I always thought you kind of hated me.

Me? What?

Hate you?

[SCOFFS] No.

Yeah. Uh...

remember, in middle school,

when I asked you why you were on discount lunches

and you cried and threw me in the dumpster?

No, I don't remember that.

I've never cried.

I always felt really bad for asking you that,

but I don't think I realized

that not everyone is as fortunate as I am.

And I hope you know that if you ever need anything,

like, anything at all, you can just ask.

I am so into charity.

[CLEARS THROAT] Yeah.

Well, um...

there is... there is one thing, actually.

I'm, uh, throwing

Josh Travis's island party this weekend, but...

I can't afford a boat,

'cause I'm so much less fortunate than you.

It's just, you're...

way better than me.

Oh, my gosh.

I would be happy to help.

Let me just go get the keys from my dad.

And you can bet on that, time to cool down

Time to cool down, uh

Everything gonna be all right

[RECORDING OF BABBLING BROOK PLAYS]

- [RECORDING STOPS] - Ooh!

Are you fucking kidding me, Sergio?

No, no, no, no, no! We didn't do nothing. Nothing happened!

- [SERGIO STAMMERS] - BREEZY: Wh-What's going on?

Your father just fucked one of your friends again.

- "Again"? - ERICA: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me explain. I was taking a nap because I don't have a bed.

Bullshit. Everyone has a bed.

Wait, wait, what do you mean, "again"?

Papi, have you done this before?

Here y'all are!

I hope I didn't miss the packing party.

Tell her, Sergio. Tell your daughter how you slept

- with her best friend a year ago. - Hayden?

Oh, now you're Little Miss Innocent, eh?

Well, that would not have happened if you

would've had some kind of a sex drive, okay?

- Stop taking those fucking pills! - Don't you dare

- bring that up! - Get off the Oxy,

you dried-up bitch!

I didn't know you were taking pills.

Well, now you know!

Your father is a lying, cheating asshole,

and your mother is taking medication for her knee.

Bullshit!

You bumped your knee, and that was ten months ago!

You guys are scaring me.

Oh, Breezy, grow up!

You're 25 years old! Stop acting like a baby.

You're the ones who treat me like a baby!

I can't stand it! I hate living here!

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

[LAUGHING]

All right, let's go. [CHUCKLES]

Uh...

All right, I did not make love to your dad,

but I did take some of your stuff,

and I'm sorry about that.

[SHELBY SIGHS]

So, about those boat keys...

Your friend just fucked my dad.

Get the hell out of here!

[EXHALES]

Leave? But I just got in the saltwater pool.

Well, boo-hoo for you.

I would have a boat right now

if Erica could keep her legs closed.

I didn't fucked her dad.

Whatever.

At least I was right about her fake-ass family.

I'd still rather have her family.

At least Breezy's mom doesn't make her chase

her drunk stepdad around town like my psycho mom.

Oh, you dumb, dumb idiot.

Your mom is so much better than Breezy's mom.

They don't even know each other. Randi tells you everything.

Uh, yeah. I wish she wouldn't.

I hate hearing about Chuck's whiskey dick.

Come on. Randi's awesome, and she's always been awesome.

Whenever the cops came to your house, she would lie for you.

And remember, in sixth grade, when she found out

you blew Tim Moran? She wasn't even mad about it.

She just made fun of you 'cause he's so short.

Oh, yeah. Tiny Tim!

[JAYLA AND KAITLIN LAUGH]

I mean, Randi might not be, like, a mom-mom,

but you guys are, like, friends.

Just like me and my mom.

Last time I saw my mom, she called me a cunt.

[SCOFFS] Whatever.

I'd take any of our moms over Breezy's nightmare family.

I don't know.

I'd take Breezy's mom. My mom's dead.

Jayla, we're not talking about your dead mom right now.

God, you always do that.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I should just be thankful for what I have.

Ew! I didn't say that.

Don't make me sound like a freaking Hallmark card.

Shotgun.

God!

Now I'm gonna have to call everyone and tell 'em

I'm moving the party like some freaking herb.

You just had to fuck her dad!

I didn't fuck her dad!

Hate them fake bitches

Them snake bitches

They smile up in your face

But then they hate, bitches

Hey, Ma.

[GASPS] Damn it, Shelby!

You know not to sneak up on me.

Okay.

I-I was just, uh, coming by 'cause I...

[CLEARS THROAT] I didn't mean what I said the other day.

You are a good

mo...

uh, friend.

You're a good friend, and I am lucky to have you.

Oh. Uh...

Okay. Thanks.

Um, well,

and I was gonna come to your place anyway,

um, 'cause I found this.

I mean, they're not framed fancy on a little table,

but they are family photos.

- What? - Mm.

Oh, my God.

[LAUGHS]

Aw.

I've never seen these.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Aw.

So, you just gonna stand there, staring at the photos,

with this big-ass mess to clean up?

- Huh. - Oh.

Also, I'm gonna need you to clean Chuck's vomit

out the freezer.

It's frozen solid.

[SIGHS]: Okay.

That's a good girl.

Yeah.

SHELBY: Oh, God.

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