Original subtitles

''Principal's office''

Enter

Excusing me please lady

Yes, what is it?

l am coming to be learning the English

- You're early - No, l am Ali

l beg your pardon?

My name is Ali. Ali Nadim

- l am coming to be learning the English

- Yes, yes! You wish to join our new class

- English as a Foreign Language - Yes please

l am hopping to be unrolled

Hopping to be unrolled?!

Like it say in your sillybus

You mean you're hoping to be enrolled That is what l say-hopping to be unrolled

l'm afraid you cannot be unrolled... enrolled until the English teacher arrives

She should be here in a few minutes

Meanwhile, perhaps you'd care to wait in the classroom

Just go down the corridor, turn left at the bottom and wait in room number five

- Understand? - No

l'll start again

- Go down the corridor - Down the corridor

Good

- Turn left - Turn left

Right

You are confusing me

- Left or right? - Left

Look! You just go down the corridor, turn left and wait in room five! Room five!

- l am understanding you now! Room five - Yes

Thank you

Oh dear, l am not going where l am looking

No, no! l wasn't looking where l was going

That makes the two of us! Excuse me sir

Enter

- Mrs Courtney - Miss

Oh sorry! l'm your new teacher Jeremy Brown, B.A. Oxon

- You're a man - Yes

This is most unsatisfactory! This won't do at all

l assure you my credentials are impeccable

Academically perhaps, but l'm talking about sex

l also assure you that my morals are perfectly respectable too

l'm referring to the fact that you are a man

l distinctly requested the Local Authority to send me a woman teacher

Especially after the unfortunate incident involving Mr. Warburton

- Mr. Warburton? - Yes

He was teaching English to foreign students last term

l'm afraid he only lasted a month, then he departed

- Dead? - Demented

Yes, the strain was too much for him

Typical of the male sex! No stamina

He seemed to be able to cope at first, but one day he just snapped

- lt was really quite disgusting - Really? What did he do?

Climbed out of the classroom window and on to the roof

Took all his clothes off and stood there stark naked

Singing ''l've got a lovely bunch of coconuts''

How distressing! Still you musn't worry on my account

l'm not likely to climb out of the classroom window

l know you aren't

- Thank you for your confidence - lt's got nothing to do with confidence

We've had the window frames nailed down

How very thoughtful! Well, l would appreciate the job Mrs. Courtney

- Miss - Miss Courtney

l am qualified and l do need a job! What with the economic situation and inflation and...

Alright, there's no need to whimper!

- You can start immediately - Thank you

- On a month's trial - Thank you

- lf you last that long - l'll do my best

Where will l find my students?

- Room five down the corridor and turn left - Right

l'm looking forward to meeting them! l'm sure we're all going to get along extremely well

Good evening

Good evening

Quiet please!

Silence

l am pleased to meet you all

We are also pleasing to be meeting you

- l am Brown - Oh, no

- You are committing a mistake - Mistake?

Yes, you are not brown! We are brown! You are white

My name is Brown! l'm your teacher

- Ah, you Proffessori - Yes

Silenzio

Thank you

Would you all like to sit down! Sit down!

ln fact, l'll take a note of all your names, nationalities and occupations

- Por favor se�or - Yes

Es la primera vez que vengo

Es �sta la clase para aprender ingl�s?

Well, l haven't the faintest idea what you're saying

But l'm sure you're not trying to find the needle-work class

- Por favor - lt doesn't matter! Have a seat!

- Por favor - Sit down

Ah, si

- No, not there - Por favor

Over there

Right! l'll just go round the class and take your names

Yes, what is your name?

Maximillion Andrea Archimedes Papandrious

Yes, l'll just put you down as Max

- l take it you're Greek? - ls right! From Athens

- And what is your job? - l walk with sheeps

You walk with sheeps?

- A shepherd! You work on a farm - No, no, no! Not farm

- But you said you work with sheep - No, no! Sheeps. Big sheeps

- Ah, ships - Yes, Sheeps, Tonkers

- Tonkers! Ah, tankers - ls right

- l walk in office - Thank you

- And your name? - Anna Schmidt! Jairman au pair

- Ah, the usual German efficiency - Jairmans are always efficient

Not so

Japanes much more efficient

Nein, Jairmans are zer best

Japanes make much better terevision and camelas

Please, please, let's have no racialism

ln this class, all are equal

- Your name? - Giovanni Cupello! ltalian

- What do you work? - l work inna Ristorante dei Populi

- A waiter? - No, not a waiter. A cookada

- A cookada? - l cookada raviolo, daspaghetti, dalasagne

l cookada everything

A chef

Your name?

What is your name?

Me, Jeremy Brown! You?

Max, Anna Schmidt, Giovanni Cuppello! You?

Yes, yes, write your name down! Good, good

No good! l need your name in English

- No Urdu? - No Urdu

Certificate of registration! Jamila Ranjha! Housewife

Thank you

- And your name? - l'm Ali Nadim! From Lahor

l am working at the moment not anywhere at all

- You are unemployed? - Yes please

Only one day a week, l am working

And what do you do then?

l am going to the unemployment exchange to be collecting my money

Cor blimey! l get more money for not be working than when l'm working

And before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth, what did you do?

l worked at the Taj Mahal

- ln Delhi? - No, Putney

The Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant

Very good chapatti and popadom

A thousand apologies for my lateness

The omnibus was going backwards

l'm sure there must be a more logical explanation

lt is the absolute truth! l was told to be talking a number 27 omnibus

And l complied, but it went in a backward direction

l think you meant it was going the other way

That is the gist of what l am saying! A thousand apologies

lt's all right! Perhaps you'd like to sit next to Ali, your countryman

l cannot sit there! lt is impossible

Why is it impossible?

- l am Sikh - Oh dear

l hope it's not contagious! Perhaps you ought ot come back when you're better?

l do not comprehend the gist of your conversation

You said you were sick

No, I am not referring to my physical state of mind

My religion is Sikh

And he is Muslim!

Islam is the only true faith!

And Muslim ... false profit!

How you dare to be speaking ... you damn fool!

Sikhs are unbelievers and infidels!

Sikhs are peace-loving people

And if you are not careful, I will have much pleasure in dispatching you

... vith this!

I will not tolerate any religious intolerance!

Now, put that knife away!

He called me an infidel!

Well, he didn't mean it, did you?

Most definitely!

... I was at Punjab

to slice your throat from there to there!

From here to here

From here to there or there to here, either sliced

There will be no throat slicing in my class

If you want to do that sort of things,

you should have joined the sports in past times

Put your knife away and ... go and sit down

- How do you feel about Roman Catholics? - l treat them like my brothers

Good, go and sit next to Giovanni

- Barbarian - lnfidel

Gentlemen please! You are here to learn English not start a holy war

- What is your name? - Ranjeet Singh

- And from which country? - Punjab

Good, what is your job?

l'm a very important member of the British underground

- The underground what? - Just the underground

Mind the doors

Oh, that underground

- And your name? - Taro Nagazumi

My name card! Japanese

Reprensentative of Bushedo Electronics

- Vely good! Very good and finally your name - Por favor

- Your name, what is your name? - Por favor

- Nome - Ah nombre, s�

Juan Cervantes para servirle se�or

- No need to ask what nationality you are - Por favor

- Spanish - Por favor

- What is your job? - Por favor

- Trabalio - Ah, trabajo, s�! Tree laggers

- You lag trees? - S�, 1 Jeentonic, 2 whisky, coka tree laggers

- Three lagers - S�

- You work in a bar - Bar, s�

- Well, Mr. Brown - Yes thank you

Apart from one attempted murder and a possible race riot

l think we're coping reasonably well

l've come to inform you about the registration fees for the students

lt's 5 pounds per head!

l'll be grateful if u would collect the money and bring it to my office in your tea break

Right, l'll do that

Well we have one thing to be grateful for anyway

Sex won't be rearing its ugly little head

l beg your pardon?

From past experience, it isn't race or religion that causes problems

lt's usually the presence of some foreign beauty

Jealousies, intrigues - all that sort of thing

Yes, well looking at my class, l dont think we'll be too bothered with anything like that

l come to learn English 'Ave l come to ze right place?

Enter

- Mrs Courtney - Miss

Miss! l've just brought the registration fees for the students

- Good! Now how many students have you? - Nine

- So there's 45 pounds in here - That depends on the rate of exchange

l don't quite follow you

Not all of them had 5 pounds in English money

So l collected 29,50 in Sterling and the rest is made up of 2000 yen, 3000 lira

250 pesetas, 75 drachmas, 50 francs and 12 deutchmarks

According to this morning's financial paper, that should give us a profit of 1045,5 pounds

Then l suggest you take it to the bank in the morning and convert it into English currency

Right, l'll do that

- By the way, how's the femme fatale? - Ah, yes! Danielle

At the moment, she's in the tea room with ltaly, Spain and Greece

Trying to establish diplomatic relations

- l hope she's not going to cause any bother - Oh no, l'm sure she won't

- Look, l am going to sitta here - No, it is me who is going to be sitting here

- Before you were sitting over dair - And before you were sitta over dair

- You takeadamick - Who, me?

You go back and sit where u were before

- No, l sit here - you not sitt here

- Who is gonna be stopping me? - Me

Yourself? You think you're tough! Come outside

Hokay

- Where are you going? - We go houtside to havada punch down

You mean a punch up

l'm going to - How you say - knock his bloody block off

We see who's bloody blocka is knockered off

- Now just a minute! What is all this about? - l tella you Mr. White

- Brown - Scusi! ls about where we sit

What's wrong with where you're sitting before?

Ltsa my eyes Professori! l gotta sitta nearer da front

Here

l see! And l suppose it's got nothing to do with the fact that Danielle is sitting here too

She is?

l never noticed

You see itsa my eyes! l'm a little shorta sighted

And also a much beega liar

- lt's not true Mr. Green - The name is Brown

You see! l'm a colour blind as well

And Max, l suppose you've got trouble with your eyes as well

No, no, no! My eyes are hokay! lt's my hears

- l am not hearing very well - That's a likely story

What you say?

l say you both go back and sit where you were sitting before now

l hope you don't think l was - How you say - too forward

No, no! l'm sure you weren't in any way to blame at all

Teacher please!

- Mr. Blown - Yes

Prease folgive my rateness! l apologize but l rost my way

Not to worry! What is your name?

- Chung Su Lee - Su Lee

- Where are you from? - Democlatic Lepublic of China

- And what is your job? - Secletaly! Chinese Dipromat

Very nice

Right! Where shall we put you?

Taro! How are relations between Japan and China?

Depends on political viewpoint!

Japan light wingo! China refto wingo

l see! Are you light wingo or reft wingo? Right or left?

l forrow teaching of Chairman Mao

ln that case, You'd better sit next to Jamila, the lndian lady

- Alright? - Thank you

Right, now we will start by learning a few basic English verbs

And firstly, we will take the verb 'to be'

- Ta be - To be

l am English, you are Chinese He is ltalian! She is French

He is barbarian

And you are asking for a kick up your big brown backside

Pay attention please

- l am - l am

- You are - You are

- He, she, or it is - He, or she or it is

- We are - We are

- You are - You are

- They are - They are

Now i'll go round the class and ask you each to give me a sentence using the verb to be

Taro, 'l am'

l amo very happy to be learningo English

- Good! Giovanni, 'he is'

- He isada fool

Good but not isada! He is a fool

Yes he is a fool

Max, 'she is'

She is beautiful! She is wonderful

- She is... - Yes, yes, thank you Max! That will do

- Juan, 'it is' - Por favor?

- lt is - Por favor

lt is raining

Lloviendo, it is raining

�No, no llueve!

lt is raining

�No llueve, hombre! �Tengo ojos!

- We'll skip you for the moment

Por favor?

lt doesn't matter! Sit down

Su Lee, 'it is'

lt is duty of evely citizen to overthlow lmpelial Warmongers

So say Chairman Mao

Yes, well that's his opinion! Good, good

Danielle, 'we are'

We are lucky to 'ave such a good 'andsome teacher

Quiet please!

Very true... I mean... Thank you

Ali, 'you are'

- You are... - You are waiting for me to speak an answer

Well done!

Unfortunately, l am not understanding the question

l want you to give me a sentence using 'you are'

l am

No, not 'l am', 'you are'! For example you are from Pakistan

- l am from Pakistan - Yes but now use 'you are'

But l cannot say you are from Pakistan because you are not, are you?

- Repeat after me - you are English - No, l'm not! l'm from Pakistan

- What am l? - You are confusing me

You are stupid poof

- Don't you call me a poof - Poof

Sit down please! Quiet!

There's really not much more we can do

Until you all get your text books! But what i would like you to do is some homework

Alright, l want you each to write an essay

A short story about your life here in England

The things you do, the things you like

l'll see you all on Wednesday

Ah, Mrs. Courtney

- Miss - Miss

l've just dismissed the class for tonight!

l think we've covered all we can for the first session

You look a trifle under the weather

- Job getting you down already? - No, no l'm fine! Never felt better

- There's just one thing though - Yes

That window you nailed down! The one Mr. Warburton climbed out of

What about it?

l think l ought to put a few more nails in it