Original subtitles

- How do you have a Tesla? - It's my friend woman's.

You mean girlfriend.

- Does this person have a name? - Jackie?

- Dallas? - I'm her therapist.

- I have to break up with her. - She has a daughter

who's approximately the same age as Tom.

- Where are you going? - Somewhere more fun than this.

Look, I can be with Andrew,

but it's just not what I'm looking for right now.

Are you sure? He's so cute.

If you could paint a few more, we have a show.

- There's no way I could do more paintings. - I'll give you a month.

Thank you for the invite. It was very big of you.

If he's happy, I'm happy.

I probably should be thanking you.

- For what? - For divorcing him.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Oh!

That's all right, it's not gonna take that long

to pick up 7,000 pennies.

Is that 7,000 pennies?

Well, I'm rounding up, but it's a lot of pennies.

I'm sorry.

Do you think Mom would let me dye my hair purple?

No. And God bless her for that.

All right, give me five minutes.

I'm gonna rustle up some cheese and crackers for you, okay?

- Okay. - This place is Xanadu, right?

Hey. Hey,

- who's in there? - Hey, Dad.

Dude, I thought you were a vagrant.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at Matthew's.

He's sick. He has a stomach bug.

Oh. Ugh, what a drag.

Let me jump in real quick, 'cause I gotta pee.

Yeah, I'm right about to hop in the shower.

- Can you give me a sec? - I have one bathroom.

I have to pee. Let me...

Is that a bra?

- Shit. - Oh, hi, Robert.

Ah! Shit!

What the actual fuck, man?

Okay, uh, Ella, could you get some more clothing on, please?

Tom, get your ass out of that bathroom.

Oh, shit.

Lila "Crocodile-a," honey,

I need to have a grown-up conversation with Tom, all right?

- Stop calling me that. - I... I promise.

Dude, just to reiterate, man, what the fuck?

Dad, it's really not that big of a deal.

It's sex, okay?

We've had a lot of conversations about this.

But, I mean, the... the first time

on the bathroom floor of your father's apartment, that...

that's not a place for it to go down, so to speak.

It's not the first time. We've done it before.

Okay, there's so many things that I want to talk about right now.

I'm gonna skip over the first four and go to number five.

- Are you wearing rubbers? - Dad!

Bye, Tom. See you at my mom's, Robert.

- 'Kay. - Bye.

Say hi to your mom.

Fuck!

Of all the girls in the world,

you gotta pick my girlfriend's daughter?

I don't know, she likes me.

This is a real shitbasket, Tom.

A real shitbasket.

Oh, no, no, no, please don't clean up.

Please, let me do it. Let me do it.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, thank God.

Well, I'm sorry to, uh,

leave you amidst this financial crisis.

Oh, you know what?

I'm meeting Sylvia, to hang her show tonight.

Excellent. Well, maybe I'll just see you tomorrow.

Oh, uh...

I don't... I don't think I can tomorrow.

That's all right. No worries. I got a late-night dinner with clients.

You're just making me stay late to do bad karaoke after.

What's your song?

- "Bohemian Rhapsody," of course. - Bold.

- What about you? - "Seasons in the Sun."

Every single time.

Isn't it about a dying guy?

Well, yes, but you know what?

The chorus is surprisingly uplifting.

When we got to the apartment,

they weren't actually having sex,

but apparently that ship has sailed.

That's it?

Oh, my God, you made me so nervous.

I thought something was actually wrong.

Mild or spicy?

- Oh, spicy. - Mild.

Spicy. Uh, that's fine, thank you.

Maybe you're not clear on the whole

"sex boat leaving the harbor" thing.

- I mean, your daughter and my son are having... - Here you go.

Thank you.

- You're welcome. - Sexual relations.

They're teenagers. That's what teenagers do.

And Tom is so cute.

You're not reacting at all

like I thought you would react.

I mean, you were more concerned about "the mole."

What do you want me to do?

Mostly, I am just glad that Ella is dating nice guys

and not those shits she was dating back in the city.

Tom is a good kid.

Well, thank you. Yeah, he is.

And I've always encouraged Ella to be her true self.

It just turns out that her true self

is kind of sexual.

Oh, thank you so much.

And if she's gonna have sex,

I told her it shouldn't be all hand jobs and blow jobs.

It should be enjoyable for her as well.

It should help her figure out the totality of who she is.

You said "hand jobs" and "blow jobs" to your daughter?

- Yeah. - That's a very progressive perspective.

Would you rather Tom kept his private life from you?

- Yes. - Look,

Ella's had sex before. She's gonna have sex again.

And I'm just glad she can come to me if anything goes wrong.

Tom is gonna be just fine.

Okay, cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Mm, you don't have an extra toothbrush lying around, do you?

- I hate hairy teeth. - Ugh, I know.

It's like, uh...

it's like your teeth are wearing sweaters.

No, sorry.

Mm, here.

Nothing here.

Well...

Ah, yes.

Hair of the dog.

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning.

I got you an iced coffee, Frances.

Sylvia, I would've gotten one for you,

but I didn't know that you were gonna be here.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Mm, interesting... pizza and coffee.

Frances, guess who I saw

- at my aerial Pilates class this morning. - Um...

Penny Loafer Susan.

- Oh! - Ooh, floor time fun.

- Can I join you, ladies? - Oh, of course.

Wait, weren't you wearing that yesterday?

Are you on a walk of shame?

No.

No, not at all, no.

We were here all night working.

Yeah. Look, it's all hung.

Wow. Really, all night?

- Yeah, but... - Wow.

It wasn't so bad, was it?

Now it all looks wonderful, that's for sure.

But I can't believe you were here working all night long.

- My goodness. - Well, we did take a little pizza break.

And had a heated debate about space aliens.

Oh, my God, don't ask.

And then we figured, "Oh, you know, we're up.

Might as well stay and watch the sun rise."

Oh.

Wow, look at you two.

Like a cute little indie movie, the two of you.

Hey, Frances, how's Andrew doing?

Hmm? Not to toot my own horn, Sylvia,

but I don't know if you know that I was the one

who set Frances up with her boyfriend.

Toot-toot.

I thought you just got divorced. You have a boyfriend already?

No. No, no, no.

He's not a boyfriend. Not a boyfriend.

He's a nice guy, but, honestly,

things are more serious with my mailman.

No, we're just... uh, we're casual.

You know? It's fun.

So, is it like the fun you had with Julian?

Well, having fun with one person

while you're still married to another person, it turns out...

that's not fun.

You had an affair?

- That's kind of fucked up. - Excuse me,

Frances is not "kind of fucked up."

She was involved in an intricate situation

where her emotional needs were simply not being met.

- Plain and simple. - Well...

I don't know if it's plain and simple, but

- that's a version. - Put it this way.

Frances's divorce was a difficult time for all of us.

And look at her, she is just thriving now.

No, fucked up is good.

- Like, it's interesting. - Oh.

You got more layers to you than I thought, Frances.

How many layers did you think I had?

Two, Three.

Well, in that case, my many newly revealed layers thank you.

- Here you go. - Ah, thanks for this.

When I pulled mine out of storage,

something had chewed through all the strings,

which was rather unsettling.

Well, you're welcome to mine. I haven't played

since before Lila was born.

God, how did I let Diane talk me into

this tennis clinic anyway?

- You know I'm not a group person. - Oh, I know.

I remember vividly your one week in book club.

Say what you want, but I was right about "The Grapes of Wrath."

Yes, it's depressing, but it is in fact about the Great Depression.

I don't think Steinbeck was really interested

in lightening the mood. Lila, come on, honey, hurry up.

Maria's mom's gonna be here any second.

- Good-bye. - Be nice!

- I'll try. - Mom?

- Mm-hmm? - Can I dye my hair purple, please?

Yeah, definitely not.

Dad said I could.

He did?

Well, he told me to ask you.

Oh, okay, then. No.

So, I am not allowed to dye my hair,

but Tom can have sex with Ella in Dad's bathroom?

Okay.

Wait, I'm... I'm s... what?

Wait, what? W... what?

So, thank you once again...

... for fitting us in on such short notice.

Today, we are not here to discuss marital issues,

but we're here to talk about my girlfriend's daughter.

Wait, so you're having an affair now?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, we... we got divorced.

Yup. Miss a little, miss a lot.

He shaved his mustache.

You probably noticed that because...

you're a professional observer.

A few months ago, this could've easily turned into a 12-rounder,

but now, you know, we just say to each other,

"Hey, let's go see a third party

and just wade through this puddle of vomit."

Well, that's kind of a unnecessary vivid image,

but, yes, yes, we want to wade through this separately, together.

Because we've comfortably fallen into this pattern

of you take care of your side of the street, I'll take care of mine.

Right, but then there's this dangerous intersection

where these head-on collisions happen.

Fender benders.

So, the issue is...

our 16-year-old son, Tom,

who has recently become sexually active

with Robert's girlfriend's daughter.

In his house, under his roof,

in his bathroom, on his watch.

- Sounds worse than it is. - Not really.

Okay, look, admittedly, it's a lot to chew on,

but I'm completely sensitive to the fact

that it might be harder for Frances to embrace the fact

that our son Tom is having sex for the first time,

given her traditional,

uh, sense of human sexuality.

I'm sorry?

Well, when we were married,

8 out of every 10 times we had sex, I was the...

the, you know, initiator.

That is complete and utter bullshit.

Complete and utter bullshit.

He is basing this on one incident

where you woke me up at 3:00 in the morning

when I had influenza.

- Fever broken, on the mend. - Okay, you know what?

I don't know how this is helping us.

The point is Robert's judgment, or lack of judgment...

see, I don't know what is going on in your house when Jackie's there.

I don't know what Tom is accidentally seeing or hearing.

Yeah, it's a regular sex den over there.

- It's just wall-to-wall sex. - Okay, okay, okay.

I'm just... all I'm saying

is just maybe a little discretion, that's all,

when the kids are around.

In my estimation, there has been no indiscretion.

Anyway, moving forward.

I think that we need to implement

some basic, simple ground rules

and agree to establish

the environments of our home are the same.

I agree.

Oh, okay, good.

Okay, so Tom's door stays open

when Ella is over.

And she can only come over

if there is an adult in the house.

Done.

- Great. - Great.

So, this was a complete waste of time and money.

So, you want a ride back to Hastings?

I drove in. I wanted to be the master of my own destiny and

not be at the mercy of all the commuters with their...

their khakis and their pocket beers.

Uh, yeah, no, thanks.

I'm just gonna stay in, 'cause I gotta get stuff for the gallery.

Okay.

- Be safe. - Bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, hello, sir.

Um, might I interest you in a 32-volume edition

of the "Encyclopedia Britannica"?

Oh, you know, unfortunately, I just bought a full set.

A brunette just came by. She was very persuasive.

Oh, Veronica!

Drats! Foiled again.

- Ah, well. Good day, sir. - Good day.

Get in here.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Oh, hey, Ella. - Hi.

- How's it going? - Good.

Is your mom here?

No. I think she should be back in, like, an hour, though.

Do you wanna come in and wait?

No, no, no, it's good. I should've called first.

I'll catch up with her later.

- I'll tell her you came by. - All right.

- Wait, Ella, um... - What's up?

- I'm here, so, uh... - Yup.

I don't really know what is or is not

going on with you and... and Tom.

Just 'cause I'm, heh, you know, Commander Oblivious.

- Wait, what? - Well, I know that you and your mom

have an understanding about sexuality,

and I'm totally cool with that.

She explained it to me and I'm totally okay with that.

Absolutely you be you.

It's just that...

you're more advanced than Tom,

uh, in the...

physical department,

if that makes sense to you. And I just would hope

that you wouldn't push him along too quickly.

Sure.

All right, look, I just had another quick thought.

Maybe whenever you guys are alone together

in any sort of man-made structures,

keep all the doors and windows open? How's that sound?

- Okay. - Great!

I'm glad we had this talk. Cleared the deck.

Cleared the air.

All right.

Let's soul shake on it.

- Mm. - All right, tell your mom

I'll catch up with her later. And...

and just have a great day.

- Okay. - All right.

- Hey. Look who's here. - Hey.

Just who I was hoping to see.

Oh.

- You going for a run? - Yeah.

Good.

Get those endorphins going.

Just really quick,

I... I wanted to acknowledge that...

that I'm aware that you...

you have made some recent advances sexually.

- Oh, my God, Mom! - No, no, no, no, no!

Honey, I don't wanna make you feel uncomfortable.

You're not in trouble, all right? This is a natural part

of growing up and becoming a young man.

All right? I have no problem...

- I seriously do have to go. - ... with that.

All right, but we... we should... we should talk about consent.

Our guidance counselor already talked to us about it.

But, well, did she tell you that it's a...

it's a two-way street?

You know, 'cause consent goes both ways.

You know, like, say for instance, I'm...

say... say, like...

like, a... a girl wanted to kiss your penis...

- Mom! - You know...

All right, just, no means no!

You know? And tie your shoe!

Oh, my God.

Jesus, you're old enough to have sex

and you still can't tie your shoe?

- Did you threaten my daughter? - What?

No. Why would you say that?

Ella said that you went over there

and told her to stay away from your son.

That sounds pretty threatening to me.

That's not what I meant at all.

All I mentioned to her was that Tom is naive in certain respects

that she is clearly not,

and that she might be conscious of that going forward.

Why are you telling Ella anything at all?

She is my daughter. She doesn't need a dad.

Hang on a second.

Tom was involved in it, too.

I'm his dad. That means I get to have an opinion,

which you quite frankly dismissed yesterday.

I chose to raise my daughter on my own,

and we're doing really fucking great.

We just got our co-brown belts in aikido.

So, we're all going kung fu fighting?

I don't know, maybe I am better off on my own.

Oh, come on!

- What are you talking about? - I don't know!

I need some time.

This is a real shitbasket, Tom.

Who gives a shit about watching the sun rise?

It's the sun. It does that literally every day. Big whoop.

Lately, Frances seems hypnotized.

Like Sylvia's L. Ron Hubbard or something.

I accidentally dated a Scientologist once.

Really? Very interesting.

Now, over here we have the café.

- Good afternoon, Bruce. - Diane.

Now, I like to sit and watch the tennis pros eat lunch.

And wait until you meet Jeremy.

He's young and Australian. Enough said.

- Oh. - And they just added the cutest little smoothie bar.

Oh, how nice.

- They have juice? - Yes, finally.

They started letting them join about three years ago.

Now, over here we have a locker room.

- After you. - Thank you.

And then over here, of course, they have the tea

- with honey and lemon. - Oh.

And, you know, I think their shampoo is a little iffy,

so if I were you, I would bring my own.

- Jackie? - Dallas?

What are you doing here?

Well, I... I could say the same for you.

I joined a couple weeks ago. I figured I would just go full suburban.

Great to see you again, Jackie.

Oh, my God, Diane, where are my manners? Hi.

- You look amazing! - Oh, you're sweet.

Well, if you'll excuse me, ladies,

I'm gonna go meet Nick on the courts,

so I'll see you ladies later.

I really miss you, Dallas. I miss our visits.

Isn't there any way we can make this work?

Unfortunately, no.

It's simply unprofessional for me

to treat my best friend's ex-husband's new girlfriend.

But, um, you know, all those other names I gave you,

they would be just excellent replacements.

It's just that with Robbie and I, I...

I actually have no idea where we stand right now.

We got in this big fight about the kids,

but it was not really about the kids.

- You know what I mean? - I really shouldn't be...

And I know I always, like, shut down relationships

before they get serious.

Your words, but I find that this time I...

I really want to be vulnerable with him, and I...

I keep hearing your voice in my head.

"Jackie, you will live a very solitary life

- if you stay boxed up behind your own scaffolding." - You know, I...

- I really don't think that's what I... - "Jackie, you have to talk

through your feelings together. Don't shut him down.

He's not a mind reader. Those don't exist."

God, you're so good at what you do.

Not doing anything. Not treating you.

Well, I've taken up enough of your time

and I should probably go shower.

I'm so pleased that we ran into each other.

Yes, also inappropriate.

- Ah, hey there, Diane. - Hi, Jeremy.

How are you doing?

Oh, sh...

Well, everything seems okay. There's no broken limbs.

- Mm-hmm. - How about your head, though? Is that okay?

Well...

I'm nodding, so that's good.

That means that it's still attached to my body.

- I'm so embarrassed, Jeremy. - Aw. No need, sweetheart.

I'm bit of a klutz myself, too, sometimes.

But why don't we sit you up? Is that head okay?

- You're not feeling dizzy? - No, I think I'm okay.

Diane, what's going on?

- They just paged me. - Oh, Nick, I had a slight...

stumble on the stairs over there.

It was actually quite a tumble.

She's a brave one, though, isn't she?

Aw, you're so sweet.

How's that ankle, though? Why don't we just...

All right, well, then, uh...

Jared, is it, like the Subway guy?

- Jeremy, actually. - Jeremy.

Great. Thanks very much, but I...

I think I've got this, okay?

- No, I'm happy to stay and... - No, no, that's okay.

If you could get somebody else here,

preferably somebody with a college education, that'd be great.

Okay? Thank you.

You okay? I'm here now, sweetheart.

It's all right. What?

You're jealous.

- I am not. - You are!

I can tell, and it's so adorable.

Well, I was worried about you. I didn't know what...

holy Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking head goiter back here.

- Really? - What did you do?

I hate to tell you this, but, uh,

you've got a large family of squirrels moving into your attic.

- Oh, shit, really? - Yeah.

And by the looks of it, they're gonna stay awhile.

See all the luggage?

I keep trying to get rid of them.

Clearly, you're too hospitable.

I've been called worse.

Oh!

All right. Jump out.

Go get your retainer and we'll drop you at the sleepover.

Then Tom and I are rolling out

for guys' night at the movies.

You could've been a part of it.

Mom?

Oh!

- Oh, Lila. - Shit.

Lila.

No, no, wait, wait, wait! Li, Li!

Lila, wait, wait. Lila!

Well, well, well. What have we here?

Lila, honey, do you wanna talk?

- No. - Oh, hi, Tom!

- Robert DuFresne. - Hi.

- Ex-husband. - Hi. Andrew Wallace.

- Pleasure. - Good to see you.

Looks like your side of the street

was up to something naughty.

My side thought your side had the kids tonight.

And you saw this as an opportunity

for a random hookup?

- For fun? - No. No.

No, this isn't random. This is scheduled.

- Like a get-together. - Mm-hmm.

I mean, we're a thing.

Congratulations.

I'm gonna take Lila over to her sleepover.

It was nice meeting you.

- You, too. - Andrew.

- Yes. - Guess we'll be seeing

you kids together more often now that you're a "thing."

Maybe next time you'll have your fly up.

- Oh. - Yeah. Protocol.

Just... just saying.

All right. Bye, kids.

Lila? Lila, put your seat belt on, okay?

Bye, Tom. Put... Lila, put your seat belt on.

So, everything here looks pretty good to me.

The Clavowens have agreed to sponsor your membership

and we have a lengthy self-submitted letter

of recommendation from a Jackie Gianopoulos.

Oh, uh, Jackie and I aren't actually that close.

Oh, she said you used to be her therapist.

Oh, "used to." Hmm, that's progress.

Well, um, I can't see any reason why

your application wouldn't be accepted.

Now, were you interested in the family membership at all?

No. I mean, I just... I don't think that's gonna be necessary.

My son's not much for sports or, uh, socializing.

And he's about to leave for school, anyway, so.

Okay. Now, for a spouse, then, we have a dual option.

No.

No spouse.

So, you were just interested in the...

in the single membership, then?

Correct. Yeah, just...

just me.

- Single me. - Well, no problem.

Join the club.

I come in peace.

- Okay. - So...

you know how I'm always good at everything, right?

That is debatable.

Well, it turns out that...

I'm not very good at letting someone into my life.

You were absolutely right.

I should've considered your feelings about Tom and Ella.

I'm so sorry.

Well,

- I hope Ella doesn't think I'm the old, weird guy now. - It's okay.

This is where you're supposed to say,

"Ella doesn't think you're the weird, old guy."

Well, you're not old.

And I love that you're weird.

I really like you, Robbie.

I wanna make this work.

I like you, too.

Oh, um, bad news/good news.

Tom ended things with Ella.

Oh. Is she okay?

Oh, yeah. She's back into girls now.

Good for her.

Oh, yes.

Look at us, out together, eating food in public.

- It's like a real date. - Well,

I figured you can't fight city hall.

So why try, right?

- Or alternate theory. - Mm-hmm.

Did you invite me to dinner so I wouldn't just be the guy

who met your entire family with his fly down?

Well, that's not not why I asked.

Well, whatever prompted the leap,

this thing is not so bad, is it?

Mm-mm. Not so bad at all.

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