Original subtitles

How can those stupid British ever hope to win?

Morning. Good morning.

Morning, Mr. Hodges - Hodges.

Morning, Mr. Jones. Nice morning.

Ah! Good morning, Mr. Mainwaring, sir.

Morning, sir. Morning, Wilson. Wilson!

You're going the wrong way. I know, sir, but do you mind

if I'm a little bit late this morning?

I have to go in here... Why?

Well, I've got to change my egg, you see.

This week's one's just a little bit off.

Well, hurry up. Aye, sir.

As chief clerk, you're supposed to open the bank.

If there's a queue in there, you'll have to change it at lunchtime.

All right, sir. All right.

What?! Sorry, guv.

Morning, Miss King. Morning, Mr. Mainwaring.

Morning, Pike. Morning, Mr. Mainwaring.

The war news looks rather serious, doesn't it, Mr. Mainwaring?

Nothing to worry about, Pike.

Believe me, the whole German attack will just fizzle out.

Miss King. Yes, sir?

That lipstick is far too bright.

That's the sort of thing that gives the bank a bad name.

Yes, Mr. Mainwaring.

Pike. Don't wear your pencils in your top pocket like that,

it looks very common. No, sir.

When I was a young bank clerk, we had to wear morning dress.

Managers in those days were absolute Tartars.

Change the date on that calendar.

I say, how much longer are you going to keep me here?

Can I help you, sir? Yes, cash that, will you?

I'll take it in 1 s. Certainly.

I don't think you have an account with us, do you, sir? Hmm?

No, I haven't. Have you an arrangement?

No.

I'm afraid I can't cash it. Why not?

Ten pounds is rather a lot of money, and I don't know you. After all, there is a war on.

I'm well aware of that.

I should have thought, under the circumstances, you'd have abandoned all that red tape.

On the contrary. We have to be even more careful. For all I know, you might be a German spy.

Oh, rubbish. It's not rubbish, sir.

They're being dropped all over the continent by parachute. Some of them are even disguised as nuns.

Are you mad? Do I look like a nun?

Even so, I'm afraid we can't take a chance.

Let me speak to someone in authority. I am in charge here.

Are you going to cash my cheque or not? I am not, sir.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm rather busy.

Damned bank clerk!

I happen to be the manager.

But of course you are, sir.

Come into my office, Wilson. Right, sir, right. Yes, of course.

What's the matter? You look upset, general.

Damned bank clerk!

Do you want to buy any petrol coupons?

I managed to get it changed, sir. The egg.

When we met, I was just going back into the grocer's in order to change it.

Oh, I'm not interested in your domestic arrangements.

But, otherwise, have you, uh, seen the paper?

The news isn't very good.

I can assure you, Wilson, this is all part of our master plan to lure them into a trap.

I don't know what you're worrying about. They'll never break through the Maginot Line.

It's impregnable. Haven't you heard, sir?

It was on the wireless just before I left.

The Germans have reached Holland. Good Lord!

How on earth did they manage to do that?

I could have sworn that they would never break through the Maginot Line.

Quite right, sir, they didn't.

Aha! I thought not! I'm a pretty good judge of these matters, you know, Wilson.

They went round the side. I see.

They what? They went round the side.

That's a typical shabby Nazi trick.

You see the sort of people we're up against, Wilson?

Most unreliable, sir.

By the way, Anthony Eden is making an important announcement in five minutes' time.

Oh, really, sir, is he? Yes. It's about home defence.

Switch the wireless on, would you?

Well, it's going to be rather difficult, sir.

Why must you always question everything?

Never mind. I'll switch it on myself.

We haven't got a wireless, have we? No, sir. We haven't.

Come on. We'll go over to Elliot's Radio Store

and hear it there. All right, sir. Right.

Come along. I'm coming as quick as I can, sir.

Disgraceful. Our boys fighting the Nazis,

and people over here are guzzling ice cream.

Morning. Hello, vicar.

Mr. Wilson. Come inside.

WILSON! Right, sir.

Anybody about?

Good day, Mr. Mainwaring. Can I help you?

Yes, turn the wireless on at once, please.

Certainly, sir. Which one would you like to hear?

I don't care, any one will do. Well, uh...

Well, uh, what about this model? The Dulcitone.

Six pound 10, or if you wish you can have it on easy terms.

Just turn it on, will you? Very well, sir.

What's the matter with it? It isn't working!

Well, really, sir, it has to warm up, you know.

- and who wish to do something for the defence of their country,

for now is your opportunity.

We want large numbers of such men between the ages of 17 and 65...

It's a lovely tone. Be quiet.

to come forward now and offer their services in order to make assurance

doubly sure.

The name of the new force... Hear that, Wilson?

Perhaps you'd like to hear a different station?

Leave it alone!

- the Local Defence Volunteers. When on duty,

you will form part of the armed forces.

In order to volunteer, what you have to do

is to give in your name at your local police station.

That was an appeal by the Right Honourable Anthony Eden...

That's it, Wilson. Let's get down to the police station and sign on.

Uh, but, sir. What about the wireless? Don't you want to buy it?

Don't be ridiculous. Come along.

They should report at once to their local police station. Although men...

Thank goodness we're getting some action at last. We'll show those Nazis.

We'll give Hitler a bloody nose. Yes, of course we will, sir, yes.

I'm sorry. Thank you. So sorry. Beg your pardon.

Mr. Mainwaring. Ah, hello, Jones.

I've just heard Mr. Anthony Eden's speech on the wireless.

Yes, we've just heard it at Elliot's. Yes, well, if you're going to sign on,

I'll come with you. Oh, good, right.

I am an old soldier, you know.

I served with General Kitchener in the Sudan.

And then I served right through the Boer War, sir. Right through that, through the Boer War.

Yes. Then there was the 1914-18 war.

I went through that, you see. Then I got invalided out because they said my eyes was no good.

But that's rubbish. There's nothing wrong with my eyes.

Of course not. Perfectly all right.

All right?

Wait a moment! One at a time, please.

Now, look here, sergeant, I'm Mainwaring, manager of Martins Bank.

And I've come to join the LDV. Yes, and I want to join up too.

I'm an old soldier. I was in the Sudanese-

Yes, yes, yes- Well, you'll just have to wait your turn.

I'll take all your names and addresses, and in due course,

you'll hear from the appointed commander.

Who is the appointed commander?

I don' t know. He hasn't been appointed yet.

Oh, we can't put up with all this red tape.

Name, please? Steady on! I was here first.

It's no use, Wilson. We have to do something quick.

We have to do something quick, you know.

There's only one thing for it. I'll have to take charge.

Why don't you take charge. You take charge, sir.

Do you think that's wise, sir? There's nobody else here, is there?

Excuse me, officer. Is there a convenience of some sort?

Let's get these men down to the church hall. See if we can sort them out.

Follow me to the church hall, men!

I must get their attention somehow. Help me on to the counter, will you?

All right, sergeant, leave this to me. I'm taking charge from now on.

All right, men! Quiet, Please!

Pay attention!

I'm sure the sergeant is doing his best, but times like these

call for an experienced, practical man.

We must stand firm.

That's right, sir. Stand firm.

That's how we fought the Fuzzy-Wuzzies, firmly standing.

Even now, Nazi paratroopers may be clambering into their planes.

We haven't a moment to lose.

As an experienced officer who fought in the last conflict, I am now taking charge.

Are you behind me? Yes!

Times of crisis always bring natural-born leaders to the fore, Wilson.

Really, sir? Right. Follow me, men.

Hold it! Back out of here!

Back up!

Wilson, tell them to back up.

Would you mind backing up, please? please back up.

It's so hot and uncomfortable.

Follow me, men!

Morning. Oh, excuse me, uh, Padre.

I don't suppose you'd be interested in buying some petrol coupons?

Buying?

Yeah, they're a bob each. Tell you what. Special price for you. Ten bob a dozen.

Or, failing that, you can have some...

Hello, what's going on up there? I really have no idea.

Well, you know what they say: Where there's crowds, there's business.

Hang on. See you later.

Pike, tell the men to wait here. Come along, Wilson.

We can't use that office, sir. It's the vicar's.

Oh, I can't help that. This is a national emergency.

You're shutting me out, Mainwaring. All right. Come in, Mr. Jones.

Sir, thank you, sir. Now just stand there by the door,

will you, and keep very, very quiet.

Do you think this is wise, sir? I mean, as you've got absolutely no authority to take charge.

Oh, don't quibble, Wilson. Somebody's got to be the appointed commander. And who better than me?

After all, I have a position of respect in this town. I'm the bank manager.

Not to mention the fact that during the last conflict, I served as a captain in France

during the whole of 1919. The war ended in 1918, sir.

I'm an experienced officer, and I'm taking charge, all right?

You shall be my second-in-command.

With the rank of sergeant. Oh. Thank you, sir.

Permission to speak, sir? I'd like to volunteer to be the third-in-command.

Mr. Jones, much as I appreciate your enthusiasm

and your vast military experience, I do rather feel that you're a little old.

Well...Oh, Mr. Mainwaring, I've a pound of sausages here.

Oh, thank you. On the other hand, of course, old soldiers never die.

I think he's up to it, don't you, Wilson? Well, I...

Oh, Mr. Wilson, I nearly forgot you, didn't I?

Oh, thank you, Jonesy. Thank you, thank you. Oh, yes, I think he's definitely up to it, sir.

Yes. You won't regret this, Mr. Mainwaring.

Even though the eyes aren't too good, I can still give them the old cold steel, you know.

That's one thing they don't like. They don't like it up them you know sir. They just do not like it.

No, no, no, I'm quite sure they don't, Mr. Jones.

Come on, let's get on with it.

We shall need some, uh, forms to enrol the men.

Chaos! Chaos, that's what it is.

Here we are. Use those. Right, sir. But...

But these are for church use only, sir. I can't help that. We must improvise.

Right.

Right, gather round, gents. I've got a few scarcities here.

Here, hold that, son.

Right, now have a look at this. Very rare. Knicker elastic, sixpence a yard.

Only a penny in the shops.

Yeah, but you can't get it in the shops, can you?

Right, get the first man in, Wilson. Right, sir, right.

Thank you, Mr. Jones.

Would you mind stepping this way, please?

Just a minute, Wilson. Yes, sir?

I intend to mould those men out there into an aggressive fighting force.

And I'm not going to get very far if you keep inviting

them to ''step this way'' in that nancy voice.

Now make it an order. Bark it out! Right, sir.

Would you mind stepping this way? Please!

Hang on!

Hey, we were here first! Cheat!

Morning, gents.

Right, start taking down the details, Wilson.

Right, sir. Do you, uh...? Do you really want me to use these forms, sir?

Yes, of course. Get on with it. All right, sir. If you insist.

Name? Joe Walker.

Baritone or soprano?

I don't know, I suppose a baritone.

Are you sound in the Canticles? If I wasn't, I'd be a soprano.

Oh, all right. Put their names down on this.

Right. Thank you.

Don't suppose you'll be with us very long, will you? You must be due for call-up any day.

I don't think so. See, I'm in a reserved occupation.

Oh really? Yeah, I'm a wholesale supplier.

I supply essential supplies. Any military experience?

I had a girlfriend in the Salvation Army once. She used to carry the banner.

She had a great big dent right down there...

Yeah, all right, all right. Just sign this.

Sign what? It's for enrolment

in the Local Defence Volunteers.

Do you realise that the Nazis are poised just across the channel,

ready to invade us at any minute? I knew they were breathing a bit heavy

down our necks, yeah. Well?

Are you going to fight with us or not?

Yeah, sure. Uh, by the way, if ever you need some silk stockings for the missus...

No, thank you. Well, what about the girlfriend, then?

How dare you!

I haven't got a girlfriend. I can fix that for you. How about?

I said, no, thank you.

All right, Walker. When you've signed, just stand up, Would you, please?

Nice, eh, about-turn, quick march.

Left, right, left, right, left, right.

Hey, oy, oy, what's all this, then? What's your game?

Well, it's like the officer said, isn't it, Joey?

There's a war on, eh? Right, come on now. Left, right, left, right, left, right!

Wilson? Yes, sir.

Find something for Jones to do, will you?

Yes, all right, sir, just leave it to me. Uh, Jones?

Sir! Would you mind, please,

just going outside and lining the men up

and, uh, just doing things with them? Very good, sir. Right!

Quick march! Left, right, left, right...

I think we picked the right one there, Wilson.

Yes, sir. Certainly picked the right one.

What on earth is going on here?

Oh, well, you see, we couldn't all get in at the police station, so we had to come here.

They'll never let you fight the Nazis in that collar, vicar.

Here, how about buying a tie? Two and six.

Just who is responsible for all this?

Yon bank manager fellow. He's in his office, there.

That happens to be my office.

Will the next gentleman please...? Oh, good morning, sir. Do please come in.

Name, please.

Uh, hello, vicar. I hope you don't mind our using your office.

You might at least have asked permission.

You weren't anywhere about. And this is a national emergency.

Really, I've never heard anything like it in all my life.

Who's in charge here? I am, why?

Are those your men outside in the hall?

Yes. Well, get them shifted.

Who do you think you are?

Chief air-raid warden, and I'm telling you to get them shifted.

I'm using that hall in five minutes time for an ARP lecture, so get them out, right?

He's awfully rough, isn't he?

What'll we do? We've only enrolled one so far.

We shall just have to dispense with formalities. Get the rest of the men in here at once.

Aye, sir, right.

Would you mind, all of you, coming in here, please? Quick as you can.

There's good fellows. Come on. That's no good.

In here. All of you, at the double. Thank goodness. At last.

That's the way to do it, Wilson.

I thank you, men, for answering your country's call.

You and I are here today because we share

one common desire.

A determination to defend our homes, our wives, our sweethearts,

against a brutal enemy. Yeah.

And I know that you're not going to shrink from that task,

however unpleasant it may be.

Do you mind turning your head away, vicar?

I didn't ask to be squashed in here like this, you know.

Get on with it. We haven't got all night.

Now, we've no arms.

We're naked.

But we have one invaluable weapon in our armoury:

Ingenuity and improvisation. That's two.

Now, I want you to go back to your homes

and get hold of any weapons you can lay your hands on.

Be back here at 6:00. That is, at, uh...

At 1200 hours. 13...

1800 hours, sir. Thank you, Wilson. I know the time.

And so from tonight on,

whatever the odds,

we're going to be able to look the enemy squarely in the face and say, '' Come on, Jerry,

we're ready for you.''

Gentlemen.

It is only a question of time before the Allied armies will be crushed.

Our next object will be the invasion of England.

The F�hrer has ordered a plan to be drawn up.

It will be called ''Operation Sea Lion.''

Everything must be worked out to the last detail.

Do not underestimate the British.

They have one thing in common with us:

They are great organisers.

Squad. Squad, attention!

Platoon ready for inspection, sir. Thank you.

Splendid turnout, men. You look very smart, Jones.

Thank you, sir. That's a vicious-looking weapon.

That's an old Fuzzy-Wuzzy spear, that is, sir. That'll soon get the Jerries on the run.

They don't like it up them, you know, sir. They do not like it up them...

No, no, no, quite so. I see you've got your old uniform out.

Yes, sir. And I've taken the liberty to keep my lance corporal's stripe up, sir.

You did say that Would be all right, sir.

Mm, well... I've also taken the liberty

of bringing you a little pound of steak there, sir.

Yes, well, uh, we shall be needing junior NCOs, shan't we, sergeant?

Oh, I suppose we shall, sir. Yes, sir, yes.

What's that supposed to be? You said if we hadn't got anything else

we were to tie a carving knife to a broom handle.

I didn't mean that you were to leave the broom on the end of the handle, you stupid boy.

You should have said.

I don't want any insubordination either.

Take this man's name, sergeant. Right, sir. Name?

Oh, really, Uncle Arthur, you both know my name already.

Wilson. Yes?

Why does he call you '' uncle''?

Well, you see, I've known his mother for a number of years, sir.

She's a widow. Yes, and she has my ration book, and I go around to her house sometimes for meals.

And that sort of thing. What sort of thing?

What? Well, you know...

That's a very formidable-looking weapon.

It's not just a weapon. I've got a wee job to do after dark.

Two for the price of one. He bashes them and buries them.

He's the undertaker, you see, sir. Funeral director.

Have you had any previous army experience?

No. None at all. I thought not.

You can always tell. Once a soldier, always a soldier, eh, Wilson?

That's right, sir. Yes, yes. I'm a sailor.

Chief petty officer, Royal Navy, 1914-1918.

What's the matter? Ah, nothing.

I'm just used to seeing people lying down.

You shouldn't have bothered to dress. As a matter of fact, sir,

I was going on somewhere afterwards.

Do you think you'll be very long?

Well, that rather depends on Hitler, doesn't it?

Not that we want to interfere with your social arrangements. What's your name?

Ah, Godfrey. Charles Godfrey.

What did you do? As a matter of fact, I retired,

but I was 35 years in the army and navy.

Army and navy? That's unusual, isn't it?

How did you come to be serving in both branches?

I was in gents' outfitting, sir.

In what? Army Navy store, sir.

Uniforms mostly.

Well, I've no doubt that your specialist knowledge will be

of great assistance to us. Yes, awfully good, sir, yes.

Where did you get that gun? Well, it's mine.

He's got a gun. Yes, I know. I can see that, sir, yes.

Well, I'm the officer. Well, of course you are, sir, yes.

I should have that. Of course you should, yes, sir, yes.

I think, under the circumstances, it might be better if I would have that gun. Hand it over.

I'm damned if I will!

Have you been in the army? Yes.

Then you should know that when a superior officer gives you an order, you should obey it at once.

What's your name? General Wilkinson.

Ah.

We have a troublemaker here. Yes.

Get rid of him. Right, sir, right. I'll do my best.

All right. Stand at ease!

Splendid turnout, men. Splendid.

If, after a few hours,

we can achieve this formidable fighting potential,

just think what we should be like after a few weeks' training.

Now, the first thing that we have to do

is to memorise the stretch of coastline we shall be defending.

Arthur? You have the map there, Wilson?

Yes, yes. The, uh...

The AA book was the best thing I could find, sir.

I suppose we shall just have to make do with it.

Yes, yes. Arthur.

Could you excuse me just a moment, sir? I won't be long.

Mavis, what are you doing here? Why haven't you and Frank

come home for your tea? We've been at the...

Mr. Mainwaring... And everything's sort of out of hand.

Oh. I've come to take Frank home. No, no, please, Mavis, don't.

You'll show me up.

Oh, don't be silly, Arthur. Ma... Mavis...

Frank, where have you been? Your tea's been in the oven for over an hour.

You're to come home at once. I can't come now, Mum.

We're learning how to be soldiers.

Well, you'll just have to learn how to be soldiers some other time.

I brought your mac. Put it on. It's pouring with rain outside.

Will you be round later, Arthur, for your usual?

Really, Mavis. Well, will you or won't you?

You gonna be long, sir?

Come on.

Right, turn to the south coast. Right.

Godfrey, Would you mind, please? Yes, sir.

Right, hold it up. Aye, sir.

Like this. Look. Put it there.

Now, here is the south coast,

and here is Walmington... Wilson?

You've got your thumb over Walmington-on-Sea.

I'm so sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.

As I was saying, here is Walmington... Oh, do keep it still.

Mr. Mainwaring, where is Walmington?

Look, if you can't see, come in a bit closer.

Now, pay attention, everybody. Here...

...is the south coast of England.

Now, 500 invasion barges will cross here,

taking with them the 5th, 7th, the 8th and the 10th Panzer Divisions.

And here, another 500 invasion barges

with four divisions of SS troops.

This whole sector will be covered by 1500 dive-bombers.

Now, the enemy will probably make his first attack...

here.

Now, it Would be foolish to dissipate our forces

by spreading them along the whole of the promenade.

So half the platoon will be in the Novelty Rock Emporium,

and from Stone's Amusement Arcade,

we shall be strongly supported by the rest of the platoon on bicycles.

All divisional commanders will be in touch with me by shortwave radio.

All section leaders will be in touch with me by Boy Scout runners.

And we shall hold 12 divisions and 2000 aircraft in reserve here.

A message from the f�hrer, Herr General.

He wants you to bring the invasion plans to Headquarters.

A message from your wife, sir.

She wants you to bring back a pound of Brussels sprouts.

Come on. Over here. Over here.

Pikey, come on, fall in. Fall in, Section 1.

Here's your patrol instructions for the night, Pike.

Private Frazer and Private Pike, you patrol the riverbank, right?

Yes, Mr. Jones. Godfrey, you patrol Downside Woods.

What did you say? Downside Woods.

I want you to patrol them. Yes.

Right. Private Walker, you can patrol Jubilee Gardens to Recreation Ground.

You've got to prevent enemy aircraft from landing.

Hang on, I thought you said I could have the night off. I've got a date.

Joe, you've got to do your duty, haven't you? She can wait.

Yeah, I know she can wait, but I can't.

Now, where was I? Yes, Private Hastings,

Private Hancock, you patrol from the pier to the bandstand,

taking special care against enemy submarines.

Me, I'm going to patrol the Gas, Light and Coke Company.

I'm gonna watch out for saboteurs.

Why, do you think they might cut the gas off?

Mr. Jones? What?

Do you think I might possibly have the spear tonight?

Yes, I'll tell you what you ought to do.

You ought to give them the spear if they're looking for submarines.

Silence in the ranks! That's my spear, and I'm going to use it.

Now, if anyone approaches, you shout, '' Halt, who goes there?''

And then you take down their credentials.

If it's an enemy submarine, you'll have to shout a bit loud, Sammy.

It's going to be little awkward, my patrol of the woods, Mr. Jones.

You see, there are no conveniences there.

No, but there's plenty of trees, aren't there?

I don't quite like that sort of thing.

Well, I'll tell you what, if you feel you have to go,

you just recite a poem to yourself. It'll take your mind off it.

Yes, yes, that's quite a good idea, yes.

Right. To your posts. Patrol, dismissed.

Come up here for a moment.

Pass a match, sonny.

Listen, son, how Would you like to do me a favour?

I don't know what you mean, Mr. Walker.

Psst!

Psst!

You all clear down there? Are you gonna be long, Mr. Walker?

I've got my own duty to go to. Yeah, I know, but it's like I told you,

my mum, she's very ill.

Come on, Joe.

That's her now, calling me.

She don't sound very ill to me. Joe.

Coming, Mum.

Halt, who goes there?

Halt, or I fire.

Friend or foe? Friend.

Advance and be recognised.

Can I see your identity card? Yes.

I can't see in this light. Have you got a torch?

No. I've got a match.

Here, hold that a minute, will you?

All right. Here you are. Thanks. Good night.

Night.

Oh, Fred. I'll send the boy around with your meat in the morning, all right?

Okay.

The owl and the pussycat went to sea In a beautiful pea-green boat

They took some honey and lots of...

Oh, dear.

Squad, attention! Now, get it right, Jonesy.

Platoon present and correct, sir. Thank you, sergeant.

Platoon, stand at ease.

Stand easy.

Well, men, I've got some good news for you.

Oh, you mean our rifles have come, sir?

No, but the ammunition has. And although we've only been formed for a week,

our first consignment of uniforms has arrived.

Oh, that's nice.

Dish them out, sergeant. Right, sir. Let's go, Jonesy.

On the right arm.

As soon as you're dressed, I want you to gather round this table.

Come along. Sit down on the floor.

Now, it's quite on the cards

that Adolf will kick off and the church bells will signal an invasion

before we have been issued with our rifles.

In that case, our main armament will consist of these petrol bombs.

Now, the petrol bomb is made up as follows:

One lemonade bottle.

One wick.

Petrol and...

a box of matches. Now, our procedure for tackling a Nazi tank is as follows:

Bomber number one

prizes the turret lid off with a crowbar.

Bomber number two

lights the wick.

And bomber number three drops the bomb

into the tank.

Any questions? Yeah.

While we're doing all this, what's the tank gonna be doing?

Come on, hurry up. Come on.

I'll do the talking. Think he'll be upset?

He'll have to put up with it, won't he?

Yes? Bells.

Beg your pardon? We've come for your bells.

Oh, yes, for war weapons.

This is a very sad day for me.

Oh, never mind. Guns before campanology.

I beg your pardon?

It's a little hobby of mine. Campanology.

Bell ringing. I had no idea.

You'd better come round to the church. This way.

Did you have to bring that beastly thing right across my lawn?

You been getting good attendances lately, vicar?

Beg your pardon?

People pray a lot more in wartime, eh?

Through here.

You know, I don't know how I'm going to manage without my bells.

Don't worry, vicar, we'll leave you with one. It's all you need.

Yes, I suppose one must be content with small mercies.

Come on, let's go and have a look at them.

They're through here.

You know, it's very sad to think those bells will never ring again.

I must hear them just once more.

That's the last of the petrol, sir.

How many have we made, Pike? Two dozen, sir.

All right, men.

Now at the moment, these petrol bombs constitute our main armament.

At a range of anything up to 25 yards, they can be quite deadly.

Bliss.

So the thing to remember...

Permission to speak, sir? Don't interrupt, Jones.

The thing to remember... The bells are going!

Blimey, he's right, it is the bells. They're here!

Don't panic.

Don't... Don't panic! Now, Jones!

Be quiet.

This is it, men. Now, listen to me very carefully.

It's quite possible that Jerry could be here any minute. So I've gotta make a snap decision.

Now, we haven't got enough firepower to stop him from landing on the beach.

So, what we've got to do

is slow him up so that we can come to grips with him hand-to-hand.

Now as I see it, the best way

to do that is to throw a barricade right across the main road leading into the town.

Permission to speak, sir? Got my van outside, sir. We can all go in that.

Good idea, Jones. Right, come on, lads.

Don't forget your gas masks. Quickly as you can.

Wilson. Get the gun.

Right, sir.

Back the van up, Jones.

Let them get out first.

Disembark!

Give Godfrey a hand there. Come on, Mr. Godfrey.

Take it away, Jones.

Don't just stand there, Wilson.

Get the barricade built. Well, what with, for heaven's sake?

Furniture, of course. Get it out of the houses.

We can't possibly do that. At a time like this we can do anything.

You take half the men and go up one side of the street,

I'll take the others. Right, come on, follow me.

Right. Hastings, Joseph, do you mind coming over here for a minute?

Right.

Walker, what are you doing?

Making myself smart for the Germans.

All right, that'll do. Pick up those bombs. Right. Take up your positions, men.

Thank you, Godfrey. I think we have enough now. Just put it down and get to your post.

Right, men, get into your positions.

Wilson. Sir?

There are five cartridges left.

If anything happens to me, you take over the shotgun.

Right, sir.

And if anything happens to you,

hand it to the man next to you.

Right.

Excuse me, sir.

I think they're coming from behind. What?

So they are. It's a typical shabby Nazi trick.

All right, we'll show them. Round the other side, men.

Now, don't fire till I give the order.

Steady, men.

Ready.

Well, that lorry doesn't look German to me, sir.

You never know, Wilson.

Who are you? Bert King, why?

Didn't you hear the invasion signal? That was no invasion signal.

That was Harry the vicar having the last pull at his bells.

What do you think you're doing? Have you gone raving mad?

We thought the Nazis were coming.

Rubbish! Come on, get this lot cleared.

That's enough of that.

Who do you think you are? We're the Local Defence Volunteers.

And I'm their appointed commander, Captain Mainwaring.

And I must ask you to keep your hands off my privates.

This is the BBC Home Service. Here is the news.

At 2.:23 p.m. today, the Admiralty, in agreement with the French,

announced that Operation Dynamo was now completed.

A total of 338.226 British and Allied troops

have been successfully evacuated from Dunkirk.

The last of the armada of little ships is now safely in harbour.

Forty French and Belgian vessels also participated.

And before midnight, the British rear guard was embark ed.

Summing up the situation in the House of Commons, the prime minister stated:

''We must be very careful not to assign to this deliverance

attributes of a victory. Wars are not won by evacuation.''

Raymond.

Raymond?

Here, boy, you take this round to Mrs. Pike.

Then can I go home? Go home? Go on.

Don't be so childish.

Right, next, please.

Here you are, Mr. Jones. Thank you.

My word, you ain't got very much on this. You shouldn't have had that joint at the weekend.

No, well, you know what my husband is, Mr. Jones.

I mean, he will insist on his little bit of brisket.

How much I got? Two and two pence.

Oh, I'd better have some chops, then.

Yeah, well, you can only have one and eight pence worth of fresh meat, you know.

You'll have to make the rest up with corned beef, right?

All right. There we are.

Do you want a sausage? Yes, please.

Good news about Dunkirk, eh? They got most of our boys out.

Yes.

Bringing our lads back to Blighty like that was a glorious achievement.

It was a great example of British improvisation, getting them out of France.

Yes. It was a pity they couldn't have improvised some way of keeping them there.

We don't want any of that sort of talk, Wilson.

Can I see you for a minute, Mr. Frazer?

Well, what do you want?

That's a nice thing to say to a bloke who's only come over to do you a favour.

Here, have a look at this. Lovely, solid brass coffin handles.

You can't get them for love nor money.

Brass, you say? These are nay brass. Cheap rubbish.

A week underground,

they'll be rusted through.

Well, by then, who's going to know the difference?

All right, I'll take a dozen.

Better make that two dozen.

Look, look. Like a lot of little bees, aren't they?

What are you doing standing there gawking for? Get under cover.

There go our brave boys.

Well done, lads. Give them hell!

They're not ours. They're Nazis.

Rotten swines!

Pike. Come and get on with your work.

Thank you.

No, no. That's enough, thank you, Mavis.

Don't touch the butter, Frank. It's Uncle Arthur's ration.

Sorry, Mum.

You out on patrol again tonight, Arthur?

Yes, I'm afraid I am, Mavis.

Oh. You'll have to come back with Frank and stay here the night.

It'll be too late for you to go home. Don't fuss, Mavis.

We don't want you catching a cold.

I can make you up a bed, like I did last night, on the settee.

Uncle Arthur must be a very light sleeper, Mum.

Oh, why?

When I came down this morning for the milk,

his bed hardly looked slept in.

Get on with your tea, Frank.

No sign of them yet, sir.

You're hardly likely to spot them through those things, Godfrey.

I don't know, sir, they're pretty powerful.

Well, I don't expect they'll come now, sir.

It's getting dark.

Red Indians are the ones that don't attack at night, Wilson.

These Nazis will come at any time. Just can't trust them.

All right, Godfrey.

Keep your eyes skinned. Yes, sir.

Beautiful sunset, sir.

It's a beautiful land, Wilson.

They're not going to get it, you know.

They're not going to get their hands on it.

We shall fight to the last.

We shall keep firing until we've only got one round each.

We shall save that for ourselves.

By the way, how much ammunition have we got?

One round each, sir.

Splendid turnout, men.

To look at us, no one would think that we'd only been formed a few weeks.

We're starting to get our equipment, and we've each got our armband.

What we've got to do now is to improvise some weapons.

That is the keynote of our training.

This way, if you please, sir.

Permission to demonstrate my rocket-firing anti-dive-bomber gun, sir.

Carry on, Jones. Kindly note a few details.

There are six drainpipes tied together and mounted on a pram for mobility.

The gunpowder inside the rockets consists of the following mixture:

Eight ounces of weedkiller, a pound and a half of sugar

and a pinch of bicarbonate of soda.

Show us how it works. Thank you, sir.

Enemy dive-bomber overhead! Ready.

Fire!

Come on, Pikey, come on.

The matches are damp, Mr. Jones.

Let's have a go.

Sorry, sir, have you got a light, please?

Yes.

Sir. No, no, no, no, I'll do it.

Hey!

Excellent, Jones.

Excellent. Look at that, men.

Straight as a die.

I shouldn't like to be on the receiving end of that lot.

Look out below!

In here! Come on, in here!

You all right, sir?

Just one thing, Jones.

I don't think you should have added the bicarbonate of soda.

Well done, men. Keep it up.

You'll be pleased to hear that in future,

instead of being known as Local Defence Volunteers,

we shall be called the Home Guard.

And one thing is certain, gentlemen.

Jerry will never catch us with our trousers down.

Permission to demonstrate my one-man bullet-proof tank, sir.

Who's inside it? Private Walker, sir.

I'd like you to observe how bullet-proof it is.

There we are, sir. There's nothing much could get through that.

Now I'd like you to notice the periscope coming up through the plug hole.

This gives a clarified view all the way round, sir.

What's its firepower?

Oh, very formidable, that is, sir.

Joe, are you there? Yeah.

I want to show Captain Mainwaring how deadly it is.

Stick your weapon through the overflow.

I'm not a flipping contortionist, you know.

Go on, Joe, you can do it. Go on, have a go, boy, go on.

Come on, Joe.

Doesn't seem very mobile to me, Jones.

Just you watch this, sir.

Stand by, Joe, I'm going to give you a little shove.

Quick, Walker! Put the plug in!

What's that, Mr. Mainwaring?

Never mind.

Very smart, men.

Very smart.

I think I can safely say that we're ready for anything Jerry can dish out.

All he does is pull the chain.

Very interesting.

Tell me about it. Well, sir...

Permission to demonstrate my anti-vehicle device.

Captain Mainwaring, sir.

See what they want, corporal.

Go on.

Will you explain to us, Frazer, exactly how this machine works?

Right, sir.

Now, you see an enemy vehicle approaching.

You pull the chain.

The oil pours all over the road,

and the wheels cannot get a grip, sir.

It's a bit leaky, isn't it?

That's just a wee drop. That'll not hurt anybody.

Staff car coming, sir.

That must be General Fullard coming to inspect this, uh, new weapon.

Excellent, excellent.

Now we can show him how well we can improvise.

Come along, Jones. Coming, coming, sir.

Hurry up, now. Come on, Jonesy. Come on.

Right, get fell in.

Stop it! Somebody stop it! Turn it off!

What are you doing, you blundering idiot?

Making a shambles of my beautiful demonstration.

Get out of it, you silly old...

Come on, turn it off!

Good Lord, it's that damn bank clerk!

Platoon, halt!

Platoon present and correct, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

Well, men, I think we should all congratulate Corporal Jones on turning his van

into an armoured car.

Next weekend, as you know,

we, along with all the other Home Guard units in the area,

are taking part in large-scale manoeuvres.

And I think it goes without saying, that with our new and powerful weapon,

we shall be taking a prominent part in them. Right, carry on, sergeant.

Right, sir.

Armoured-car section, fall in!

All right, embark!

One, two, three, one, two, three. Left, right, left, right, left...

Right.

Enemy on the left. Range, 100 yards. Five rounds rapid fire!

Open, two, three, out, two, three. Left, two, three, bang, two, three.

Bang, two, three, bang, two, three. In, two, three, close, two, three.

Enemy dive-bomber overhead.

Five rounds rapid fire!

Open, two, three, up, two, three. Bang, two, three, bang, two, three.

Bang, two, three, bang, two, three. Down, two, three, close, two, three.

Disembark.

Left, right, left, right, left, right...

One, two, three, one, two, three. One, two, three, one, two, three, salute.

Excellent, men, excellent.

There's no doubt about it. We shall certainly have the edge

on the other Home Guard units next weekend.

By the way, Jones, uh, I'm going to have your van,

your armoured car, converted into gas. I hope you don't mind.

Gas?

Yes, it saves petrol. It'll only take a few days.

Should be ready just in time for the manoeuvres.

Hey, Joe. I'll never forget when I was in the Sudan.

Oh, blimey, Jonesy, not again.

Sergeant!

Yes, sir? How much further is it to this camp?

About 10 miles.

What time is it?

Twelve o'clock. Oh, good.

Be there in time for lunch.

We were surrounded by hundreds of Fuzzy-Wuzzies, you see.

And so anyway, we'd run out of ammo, you see.

So I just did the only thing there was for us to do.

We all fixed bayonets, you see, and we let them have it right up them.

They don't like it up them, you know.

They don't seem to like that, them Fuzzy-Wuzzies.

Look, Wilson, there's a Stuka. What? Good heavens. Where?

There.

Oh, Lord, are you sure? Don't argue, man. Carry out the drill.

All right, sir, yes.

Don't panic.

Open, two, three, up!

It's all right, sir. It was one of ours. Yes.

I could have sworn it was a Stuka dive-bomber, the way the wings swept back like that.

Oh, no, no, sir, the Stuka's wings don't sweep back.

Good Lord, sir, look at that.

What are you laughing at?

Well, sir, the thought occurred to me, if the van's converted to gas,

perhaps we ought to have changed the drill.

Don't you think?

See the men get their tea as quickly as possible, Mr. Dawkins.

Major General Fullard will be inspecting the camp in an hour.

Hurry up, you lot, now, come on. Get a move on.

Now, don't forget. The general wants to see a full kit layout.

Every bit of equipment they've got.

What the hell's happened to Mainwaring's platoon? They're five hours late.

No use saying sorry, Jones. You shouldn't have had your bayonet on your rifle in the first place.

The point is, how are we going to get the van to go now that the bag's empty?

Why don't we dump the damn thing and march to the camp.

We'll be there in an hour. How dare you!

That is my van, and you will not dump it.

I ain't half hungry. Oh, be quiet.

Do you think you can help us?

You don't want me, you want the gas company.

Very smart, men.

Very smart indeed.

Now, as you know, equipment is in extremely short supply,

So I want you to take very great care of it.

All right, Jones, you can stop it. We're here.

Jones!

Jones, the van's broken away! Stop it! Stop it! For heaven's sake, stop it!

I can't stop it, sir! I can't stop it! It's perfectly simple.

There are only two things to do! I've done the two things, sir!

I've done the two things!

Stop it.

Stop it, for heaven's sake, Jones!

What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

It's that damn bank clerk!

Spin it round, spin it round, sir!

Don't panic, don't panic. Back it up, back it up.

Will you be quiet, Jones!

My dear fellow, I'm so sorry, but I'm afraid we've ruined your tents.

That's all right, sergeant.

You were the ones that were going to sleep in them.

Wilson? Yes, sir.

What are you doing? Oh, I've just had a wash

and a lovely breakfast, sir.

Why didn't you call me? Well, I didn't like to.

You looked so peaceful lying there.

What time is it? Twenty to 9, sir.

What? Jones! Corporal Jones!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir.

Wake the men up. It's 20 to 9!

It's 20 to 9! Don't panic, it's 20 to 9!

It's 20 to 9! Come along, now.

Come along, now. Get ready for breakfast. We're late.

Come on. 20 to 9. 20 to 9. Come on, Pikey.

Get your mess tins. Line up.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Oh, good morning, sergeant major.

May I ask you where you're going to?

We're going to breakfast, of course. Breakfast finished half an hour ago.

Oh, no.

We've already missed two meals.

Do you know we haven't eaten for 24 hours?

Well, breakfast finishes at 8: 15, sir.

You better get your men ready, sir. They're due on parade in 10 minutes.

The general's giving the whole camp the outline for today's manoeuvres.

This morning, gentlemen,

we shall be engaged in manoeuvres against a formidable enemy:

A detachment of the Royal Marines.

Now listen carefully. This is the plan of campaign.

Starving with hunger and stuck here in the bog.

It's all yon Mainwaring's fault.

He's made a complete mess of things. He's not to blame altogether.

It's really fortunes of war. Ah, rubbish!

- platoon will attempt to get round behind the enemy and attack from the rear.

In order to do this, they will have to cross the river by the pontoon bridge.

That bridge will be guarded by the Walmington-on-Sea platoon.

That's us, Wilson.

I suppose it must be.

In conclusion, men,

may I point out that you will be up against regular troops...

I ain't half hungry, Joe.

You're not the only one, mate. They will ask no quarter

Suck your thumb. and expect no quarter.

But I am sure that you will prove that the Home Guard can take anything

that anyone, anywhere can dish out to them.

So good luck, and give them hell.

Parade! Attention!

Dismissed!

They're coming, sarge!

That'll do, boys, come on.

Break step.

Halt! Corporal Jones.

You and Number 1 Section stay on the bridge.

The rest of you, follow me. At the double!

Hey.

That shouldn't be dangling there. What shouldn't be dangling?

Rope.

Blimey, it's been cut! Here, Jonesy, grab hold of it.

Here, this is supposed to be over the bridge.

Come on, come on! Move yourselves!

What the hell's going on?

Right, right, keep it tight. Pass it on.

Pass it on. Keep it tight. Pass it on.

There's no sign of the enemy.

We'll get back to the base.

Godfrey, you stay here on watch, and if you see anything, crawl back at the double.

Right, chaps. Take the strain. Take the strain.

Right. Right!

Where's Captain Mainwaring?

He's just gone up the other bank, sir.

And who are you? I'm Lance Corporal Jones, sir.

Well, haven't you learned to salute an officer?

Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Well, salute, then!

I can't, sir. We're holding... Salute, man!

Permission to speak, sir. Yes.

The general's horse is drifting down the river.

Good heavens! Have you told the general?

I think he knows. He's sitting on it.

We'll think of something as we're running along. Come on.

Don't keep running up and down, waving your arms about.

You'll frighten the horse. Go on, telephone HQ for help.

Yes, sir.

There aren't any telephones.

I know there are no telephones on the bank, you idiot.

Send a runner. Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

Couldn't you swim ashore, sir? I'm a general, not an admiral.

Think of something!

Yes, sir, we'll think of something as we're running along.

Well, run a bit harder. Yes, sir.

I'm going to give you some instruction.

If you can hear me, nod your head.

Did he nod his head, Wilson?

What? I wasn't really watching, sir.

Oh, pay attention, do. Yes, of course.

Did you nod your head?

Get on with it, you idiot.

Now, listen carefully. When you get underneath us, raise your arms.

We're going to lean over and pull you off the horse.

Have you got that?

What?

I said,

when you get underneath us, raise your arms!

We're going to lean over and-

Yes! Yes, get on with it, you idiot.

Right, Corporal Jones. Sir.

Take Number 1 Section, hang over the other side in case we miss him.

Over the side, Private Leslie. Me?

I'm not going over there. Don't argue. Get him over the side.

This had better work, Mainwaring.

When I give the word,

grab!

Get this little man out of my way!

Can I...? Can I help you at all, sir?

Take your hands off me.

Are you all right, sir?

You bloody fool! Attention!

Look, sir, look! Mr. Mainwaring, I missed him!

Quick! Quick, men, after him. Help!

Hold on, Jonesy! Hold on!

We'll get you off, Jonesy.

Help!

Help! Help!

Look, sir. A boat, a boat!

Ah, Frazer, Wilson, you two get in the boat.

The rest of you keep on running down the bank.

Come on, get in, Wilson.

I'd rather stay on the bank and keep running, sir.

Do as I say. Get in the boat at once.

Right. Right, off we go.

Right, now.

Take an oar each, you two. I'll take charge.

Why you? It's me that was in the navy. That'll do, Frazer.

Nice horse, nice horse. Yes.

Now, don't move, don't move.

Hold on, Jones. We're coming.

I am holding on, Captain Mainwaring. I am holding on.

We'll never get through that lot. We'd better go back to camp.

Mr. Mainwaring said we've got to carry on along the bank.

You'd better take your shoes and socks off, then, mate.

Wilson, secure the boat. Aye, aye, sir.

All right, Jonesy.

We'll soon have you off, son. Hang on.

Jonesy. The branch.

The branch, grab it, man. Grab it and try and stop us.

I've got the branch, sir, but didn't seem to stop the boat, sir.

I'll catch you up later, sir. We'll meet you further down the bank.

Yes, sir. Right, sir. I'm running along now, sir.

Seems to me we've come to a halt, sir.

Well, there's only one thing for it.

I shall have to swim across and get help.

I want you to know, sir, that if anything goes wrong-

I don't suppose it will, mind you, but if it does, you can rely on me

to make all the necessary arrangements.

Good luck, sir.

Thank you, Frazer.

Well, Mainwaring, it's not a very pretty picture, is it?

No, sir.

Let's examine your record this weekend.

You arrive late, crush and ruin 100 sets of equipment,

a dozen tents,

break a pontoon bridge and nearly drown a valuable horse,

not to mention me.

And on top of all that, six months ago, you Wouldn't cash my check.

I didn't know you then, sir. Well, you bloody well do now.

You know, Mainwaring,

no matter how good troops are,

if they're badly led, they become a disorganised rabble.

So in the light of what's happened this last weekend,

I think I must warn you that I shall have to reconsider your whole future

as commanding officer of the Walmington-on-Sea platoon.

That's all.

Did you have a nice little chat with the general, sir?

He didn't say much.

Just the usual red-tape nonsense.

Yes, well, I Wouldn't take it too much to heart, sir.

It wasn't all your fault. I mean, you've just been the victim of circumstances...

most of the time.

Blimey, they're a bit early. How far from home are we, Joe?

Oh, I don't know. About four miles, I think.

My mum doesn't like me being away from home when there's a raid on.

Blimey, that was quick. I can hear a plane already.

Ready to go home? Gut.

We are hit!

Yeah? The plane has been hit.

They're losing height. I'll speak to them myself.

S for Schultz, calling S for Schultz.

Get those photographs back here.

You understand? I must have them at all costs.

Ready to bail out! Bail out!

Platoon, halt!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

As you know, this meeting tonight is to discuss our forthcoming War Weapons Week.

And so without further ado, I should like to introduce you to...

To start the ball rolling,

I shall call on His Worship, the mayor, to open the meeting.

Thank you, uh, Mr. Chairman,

councillor, Mrs. Haines and, uh, Mr. Town-Clerk.

Ladies and gentlemen, um, as you know, at this moment,

our gallant airmen are locked in mortal combat with the Luftwaffe.

Now, they are doing their part, and it's up to us to do our part.

Now, our plan was to buy a Spitfire.

But raising the money for a Spitfire, a whole one, is no easy task.

Walmington-on-Sea shall buy one half

and the town of Eastgate, the other half.

Now, let us not be backward

in the giving generously to... Halt!

All of you, stay where you are.

You stay here. Cover me.

All right. Nothing will happen to you.

Now, all of you will move against that wall and raise your hands now, quickly.

Come on, move! Fast!

Keep your hands up! Now, move!

Move over! And keep against the wall.

You, down as well, quick!

Keep still!

Keep your hands up!

Don't anyone move unless you're told.

Hello, Mr. Hodges.

Has the lock stuck again? No, no, it's full of Germans.

Is it? Why don't you use the one in the vicarage?

Where's the nearest phone box? You can't do that.

Get out of the way.

What are you talking about, full of Germans?

In!

Thank you, driver.

Right. Come on.

Get down, all of you, as quickly as you can.

Don't forget your rifles. Right, sir.

Wilson? Yes?

Give the driver something for his trouble, will you?

Stand over there with the others.

Talk about doing the lord mayor's show.

It don't half pong in here, Uncle Arthur.

Mum will be furious, me smelling like this.

Trust Mainwaring to sit in front, away from the rubbish.

You, pastor, go to the door. Whoever it is, send him away.

Franz, you go with him.

Ah, good evening, vicar. You can't come in.

But this is my HQ. It doesn't matter, you can't come in.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Come back later,

when I'm alone.

I don't understand.

It's a special meeting of the Young Mothers Club.

That's all right, they won't mind me. Oh, yes, they will!

You're not in the club!

How dare you?

Are you all right, sir?

Well. It's the vicar. He won't let me in.

Looks very peculiar.

Kept winking and asked me to come back later.

Are you going to?

Silence!

This is preposterous!

Shut up!

Quick, quick, take cover, quick!

Permission to speak, sir. I think I heard a shot.

Somebody's got a gun.

Can't be the Young Mothers Club. Must be the vicar.

Call for help. Oh, don't shove about like that,

for heaven's sake. Take cover. The vicar's gone mad.

He's firing at us. That's not the vicar, it's Germans.

It's Germans. Don't panic. Don't panic!

Jones! Just give them the old cold steel, sir.

We'll give them the old cold steel. Jones, will you be quiet?

You are going outside.

You tell your friends we want a boat.

If we don't get what we want,

we shoot all of these, one by one.

We start with the pastor. Out!

Come on!

What's happening here?

How did you get here, sir? Because I telephoned for him.

Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I think I can hear the verger!

It's me, it's me. Mr. Hodges.

What's going on? They want a boat

to get across the channel. The only way they'll get a boat

is across my dead body. It'll be over the mayor's dead body.

They're holding him as hostage.

We have to be very careful how we handle this, sir.

We're not handling anything, Mainwaring.

This is a job for the regular army. Get your old men out of here.

But... Move!

If I may say so, sir, you're taking a very highhanded attitude.

Just clear off!

Follow me.

Now, we're going to have to be very careful how we handle this, captain.

If we open fire, some of those people in there might get hit.

You don't think he was referring to me when he called us old men, do you, Wilson?

It's utterly absurd bringing the regular army in. We could have handled this.

What Would you have done?

Well, I'd have found a way into that hall somehow.

Permission to whisper, sir? Yes.

Why don't we creep into the crypt under the crib, and...

Come on.

Lieutenant Short, Royal Navy.

I hear you've got a spot of bother.

We'll have to be very careful how we handle this.

I've sent for the marines.

Uncle Arthur.

What is it?

This reminds me of that film Dracula.

They crept into a place like this, lifted a lid off one of the coffins

and drove a stake in.

It ain't half creepy.

Well, all right, then just don't lift any lids.

Quiet. This way.

Come on.

Captain Crisp, Royal Marines. I hear you've got a spot of bother.

We'll have to be very careful how we handle this.

I've sent for the police.

Whatever are we going to do, sir?

If I'm not back in 15 minutes with the answer, the vicar's going to be very upset.

Why? They're gonna shoot him.

The time is over.

Give them two more minutes.

Come on.

I'm Inspector Hardcastle. I hear you've got a spot of bother.

We shall have to be very careful how we handle this.

I've sent for the fire brigade.

There's a lot of people about.

You'd better send for an ambulance in case anybody gets hurt.

Frazer, stand behind him

And I will get his gun

And I will take my bayonet

And stick it up his-

Halt!

I think they've rumbled us, sir.

What is this?

This.

If you don't put that gun down, I will shoot you.

And if you don't put that gun down, I will shoot you.

I give you one last warning.

And I give you one last warning.

One.

One.

Two.

Two.

Three.

Three.

If you shoot me, there are seven men to take my place.

What the devil's happening in there?

Come on, we're going in.

Do you think that's wise, sir?

Well, I'm damned.

Hello, Mr. Mainwaring. We showed them, didn't we?

We certainly did, Jones. Yeah.

It's empty.

Morning, Mr. Mainwaring. Morning, Walker.

Good morning, Mr. Mainwaring.

Morning, Miss King. Morning, Wilson. Hello, sir.

Why, did you know that German's gun was empty, after all?

If it comes to that, Wilson, so was mine.

Sir, that sea's blowing up awfully rough.

Aye, they'll never cross the channel in this weather.

We should be safe till the spring now, Mr. Mainwaring.

In that case, perhaps we could have the weekend off, do you think, sir?

The weekend off? Yes.

This is war, Wilson.

It doesn't just finish at 5:00 Friday evening and start again at 9:00 on Monday morning, you know?

Anyway, who's to say they'll come by sea?

For all we know, at this very moment,

they might be digging a tunnel underneath us.

Really, sir. That's absurd. As a matter of fact, sir,

I heard a scratching last night.

I thought it might be a mouse, but, of course, it could have been a Nazi.

Anyway, there'll be no weekends off.

Whenever they come, we'll be ready for them.

Spring, summer, autumn or winter.

Over the sea or out of the sky. Or up between our legs.

Or up...

Wherever they come from, we'll be ready for them.

Permission to speak, sir. Yes?

I think I can hear a burrowing sound.

Oh, don't be absurd. No, hang on a minute.

I think I can hear something.

Perhaps we'd better make sure.

Wilson, just put your ear to the ground.

I'll cover you. See if you can hear anything.

That's impossible.

Do as you're told.

Can you hear anything?

I can't quite make it out, sir.

What? I can hear something.

Stop shuffling your feet, boy. I'm trying to listen.