Original subtitles

I didn't really know a lot about Saudi Arabia.

It looked fantastic.

Palm trees, sun, what more can you ask for?

The biggest shock was when I read a line, sexuality is a crime.

I did wonder, would it be safe for me to go there?

I just couldn't believe there were drugs, there was alcohol, gay men.

They're doing it, so why not me?

I did start to forget about the danger.

That was very naive.

Why are you here?

It was just unbelievable fear.

Homosexuality was crunched full by death.

Please, help me now.

I was working at my local hospital as a staff nurse in intensive care.

There's no other job that, you know, I would rather do.

I love doing the job, and I love looking after people.

I got married in 1999 to Gillian.

She was a lovely -looking girl.

We had a great time. I was very happy.

This is the best day ever!

You know, when you've got kids, it's quite weird. You can't imagine your life

without them.

It was good.

They were worth it.

But then it was always at the back of my mind. I knew I didn't want to be there.

I was living a lie.

I knew that I was gay.

I grew up in Ireland, so, you know, Ireland's quite a strict Catholic

So I really did put any thoughts or feelings of homosexuality to the back of

mind because you're brought up knowing that it's wrong.

So I put them in that room and closed the door.

My wife deserved better. She deserved to be happy and I was making her very

unhappy.

I just felt that she had a right to know because she could move on.

I moved into my friend Gemma's flat.

It was a mess. My life was a mess after that.

I had a broken marriage and I was living in somebody's spare bedroom.

I had promised that I would financially still look after my wife and my kids.

I got myself into a lot of debt.

I was at the point of being bankrupt, and so I was very stressed.

One day, I finished night shift, I was having a cup of coffee, and I was

flipping through the job section of the nursing magazine, and I'd seen an advert

that said, nurses urgently required to work in the Middle East.

There was a big light bulb, went on over my head, and I thought,

No, I could do that.

You had free flights, free accommodation.

I thought it could be an option for her.

Go for it.

It seemed like a great idea to go there so that I could support my ex -wife and

my kids.

I just thought, this is it.

Three weeks later, I got a phone call from the agency.

Hello? She said, I've got really good news for you. I have a hospital in

in Saudi Arabia.

She said that the salary was the best in Riyadh.

Great. And she also said, you know, you and Gemma will be working together.

That is brilliant.

So we had ticked every box that we aimed to tick.

OK, thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye.

I didn't really know a lot about Saudi Arabia.

I knew it was a country in the Middle East, but I didn't know anything about

We received a detail of where we'd be living.

Welcome.

It looks fantastic.

It looks like a brochure you would pick up in a travel agent.

The white buildings, the swimming pool and tennis court.

So, yeah, happy days.

Palm trees, sun, what more can you ask for?

They told us a few more interesting facts about Saudi Arabia. Like, it was a

very strict Muslim country.

Alcohol was banned. There was no pubs, there was no clubs.

Males and females were segregated from an early age and that you weren't

to be seen with a female unless you were married to her. And if you weren't

married to her, you could be arrested for it.

The biggest shock was when I read a line that said, homosexuality is the crime,

and was punishable by death.

I was completely taken aback by it, knowing that somebody would actually

you for being gay.

I did wonder, would it be safe for me to go there?

I basically made the decision to not have sex for however long I was there.

I was naive to think that I was going to go to a country and be celibate. It was

very naive of me to think that.

I was in a big river called Denial.

I had my head buried right in the sand.

Finally the day arrived that we were leaving.

I told my kids I loved them and I would see them really soon.

I love you both very much. You be good, OK?

My whole thoughts were that I was basically doing it for them. I had so

financial strife that I knew that it was going to end up affecting my kids and I

wouldn't be able to give them the life that they deserve.

So... That was it and I said goodbye to him.

We arrived in Riyadh and it was a big culture shock.

There wasn't another webinar in sight.

We were met by two representatives of the hospital.

We went outside.

I remember the heat.

It actually just felt, it was choking me.

I made it get into the back with Gemma and one of the men stopped me and told

that I wasn't allowed.

I asked him why I had to sit in the front and he just told me not, you know,

wasn't allowed.

I just thought, I'm not even allowed to speak to Gemma in a vehicle.

This is crazy.

So first we drive out of the airport and we hit Riyadh.

Eventually we arrived at the compound.

There were security guards outside it.

I went to get out of the car and the driver told me to stay where I was.

And he just shook his head at me and said, no, female only.

And I was really shocked. I mean, we had been told that we would be living

together and now everything had changed.

And I just remember thinking to myself, this is not what I signed up for.

This is not what they told me.

We drove for about another half hour.

And then we stopped outside the apartment block.

The guy told me to get out.

It was a very bland -looking, run -down apartment block.

And we walked in.

I was completely and utterly shocked because it was so not what

I expected.

Imagine the worst place you can ever live in at times at my town.

It was filthy and it had cockroaches.

They were everywhere.

In the bathroom, even, there was one of my toothbrush.

It was horrible.

I was exhausted.

I was just thinking, well, it's not a good start to the trip.

And I was wondering what else could go wrong.

The next day I had to report for duty at the hospital.

I felt a mixture of both excitement and fear because I didn't know what to

expect.

We were led to this room in the HR department, so the assistant director of

nursing told us to do's and don'ts when dealing with Saudi patients.

We were told that regarding Saudi men, we couldn't touch their beards.

Regarding you, gentlemen... Me being a male nurse, I wasn't allowed to see any

female patient's face.

She said that there are cameras in the ER.

And we had to ensure that our conduct was appropriate.

Thank you for your attention.

Just thought, God, Big Brother is watching you.

Two days later, I was in the ER department and one of the male nurses

And he was extremely, extremely camp.

And he just said, welcome to hell.

In a very flamboyant way.

And he was stroking my hand.

And I was bloody terrified because, you know, the cameras, they're everywhere.

I said to him, can I have my hand back? And I had to pull my hand free of his.

And then another nurse said, that's Thomas.

He's a gay.

And I just thought, how does he get away with it in Saudi Arabia where being

homosexual is a crime?

Three weeks there, there were hardly any Westerners in our hospital.

You're confined to this apartment, and you're basically going from there to

work. So, you know, there wasn't a lot to do.

And I was bored.

One day, a gentleman told me at work that we had been invited to a party at

palace.

And I thought, well, this is brilliant.

a party, our first party in Saudi Arabia.

And then we got there.

And it was just, it was surreal.

We were led down into like a basement.

But it just, it wasn't a basement, it was like a nightclub.

This Saudi man came over. He asked us what we would like to drink.

He gave us a choice, and it was real alcohol.

I asked him who he was, and he told me that he was a prince and that this was

his father.

Thank you.

Then we were off drugs, which I, you know, I just couldn't believe there was

drugs, there was alcohol.

You could see, obviously, gay men.

kissing, dancing with each other.

There was one who had a handbag, and he was acting outraged from the dance

floor, very calm, dancing wildly.

I just couldn't believe it.

I think it was a turning point because, you know, I'd sort of seen what really

went on.

I didn't expect that.

I put all doubts of being arrested for being homosexual completely at the back

of my mind by then.

That's when my caution started to slip.

After being at that palace party, I did have a hangover and I was...

Thinking about the party last night and just thinking, you know what, they're

doing it, so why not me?

I was lonely. I was stuck in this apartment.

And, yeah, I think everybody needs some human touch.

So I decided that I did want to meet somebody.

And I didn't really know how to go about it.

I wondered, were there specific websites for gay Arab men, you know,

within Saudi Arabia?

I knew the Saudi government monitored the internet, and I just thought, you

know, how am I going to do it?

Hey, Bill, what's with the beautiful bikini babe?

And then I met Bill, and that changed everything.

Research, I'm doing research.

Bill was one of the nurses who I worked with.

One day I went to his apartment and Bill told me that he had a program.

It's called the VPN, which is a virtual protected network.

And stops the Saudi government from eavesdropping on every form of

communication. You can access any website.

And I asked him if he had a copy of it.

And he did. And it was on disk.

So he gave it to me.

I hadn't been with anyone for eight months.

That's what I wanted, to be intimate with somebody, you know, and have that

connection with somebody.

So I threw caution to the wind.

Started up the laptop, loaded on my VPN.

I typed in gay dating websites in Saudi Arabia and hundreds came up.

I was completely flabbergasted. I thought, this is great.

Even though I had this internet protection program, I still felt quite

And then I got one message that particularly stood out.

He was a very handsome guy. He was from one of the Middle East countries. He was

around 26.

I fancied him straight away.

So we started to chat.

He came on, he appeared and he gave me a big wave and he was gorgeous.

I was smiling, you know, I was just smiling when I seen him.

He just said he would really like to meet me, and would I be up for meeting

When?

Today.

Today.

I was really nervous.

I hope this is okay and we're safe, and...

I just thought, yeah, why not?

You know, and I said to him, yeah? Okay.

Come round here.

I opened the door for him and there he was standing there.

I fell in love with him immediately, so I did.

Everything just went out the window, the whole rules and regulations.

Homosexuality is punishable by death.

Completely disappeared.

The next day, he kissed me and he was very excited. He said he couldn't wait

see me again.

So, yeah, it was brilliant.

My life was very transformed when I met Fred. He made, you know, he made my life

more bearable there.

I had somebody who loved me.

It was love.

More than enough.

And it made it more than thick.

I was very caught up in the moment. We started to go out more.

I did start to forget about the danger of having a gay relationship.

Fred knew the laws, but he just thought they were ridiculous.

Fred was quite reckless. I don't think he had a sense of danger.

One day, he leaned over and tried to kiss me.

I was frightened.

Because I was frightened in case somebody would see us.

Then I heard something else that made me realise how risky it was

to be gay.

I had seen these men and I said to Tom, who are they?

And he told me that that was the religious police.

the Matawa.

And he said they enforce all the religious laws in Saudi Arabia.

They patrol the streets.

He said they were dangerous.

And he told me about a young Filipino guy who had been walking along

the street and the Matawa had stopped him. They assumed that he was a

homosexual.

So raped him.

Took him and raped him.

Can you believe that?

Then he offered me some advice about living the whole gay lifestyle in Saudi

Arabia, the do's and the don'ts.

He said, you know, if you've got anything on your phone, make sure you

in case the religious police stop you and they ask for your phone.

The golden rule is not to date the Saudis, not to date the locals, because

dangerous.

If you upset them, they could go to the religious police and report you, and

you'd be in serious trouble.

I thought, you know, I won't be doing that anyway, you know.

I've got bread anyway.

And I wouldn't be doing that.

Fred and I went out for about five months and then I decided to end the

relationship.

He was really upset.

And I was really upset about it as well.

I'm so sorry, Fred.

Fred. I just felt that he was too young and he needed to have more life

experience.

It was devastating because, you know, I was still madly in love with him, you

know. I still love him now.

So, yeah, it was a hard decision to make.

I was dreading Christmas in Saudi Arabia, I really was, because

home, you're there, they don't celebrate it.

Fred's not about.

I was miserable.

I Skype my kids.

Hi, guys.

You know, it was great. I could actually see them opening their presents on

camera, you know.

Wow.

And they were bringing them up to the screen and showing me them.

Thank you, Daddy.

It was great to see, but you know what? It was quite miserable as well at the

same time because I wasn't there with them, you know, and I wish that I could

be.

Bye.

I love you.

Bye.

I decided to go back on the dating site because I just wanted some

contact with somebody.

Whether it be for sex or just meeting for coffee.

I didn't really care at that stage.

I was putting myself back into this.

sort of gay world on the internet in a country that, you know, it was illegal

again. But I didn't care.

And I thought, well, I mean, I could get away with it again.

Then I received a message from a guy, Abdullah.

He was asking me where I was from, how long I'd been in Saudi Arabia.

He told me that he was from Saudi Arabia, but that he had lived in the UK.

And would I like to chat to him?

I remember Tom's rule about, you know, not dating any Saudis or meeting any

Saudis.

But I felt that he had lived in the UK, he was educated.

So then I just thought, well, you know, it should be safe enough.

It should be okay.

Oh, hey.

Hi.

Yeah, he was a typical Saudi man.

I wouldn't say I was overly taken by him, you know, the way I had been bred.

But I just wanted to go and meet somebody and talk to them. And, you

really lonely.

If I'd known then what I know now, I would never have done it.

I met him the next day. We went to the coffee shop.

He was very westernised.

He was wearing jeans and a T -shirt.

He spoke about how he wanted to leave Saudi Arabia and live in the West, that

had a much better life there.

He could be who he was.

So, you know, from that, I didn't feel that I was in any danger whatsoever from

him.

After coffee, we went back to the main compound.

And he left after two hours.

I was never going to have a relationship with him.

I didn't want a relationship with him.

And, you know, I actually hoped that he didn't want to see me again because I

thought, you know, he is a Saudi.

I was quite worried about it because it all came back to me what Tom had said to

me.

The golden rule is not to date the Saudi.

It's dangerous.

By this time I had been Saudi for nearly a year.

I had achieved.

What I'd set out to do, I paid off my debt, and I also had saved some money.

So I just wanted to get home, I just wanted to go home to my kids and back to

normal life.

One day I got a text message from Abdullah, completely out of the blue, I

heard from him for a month.

The text message said, Hi, do you want to meet for coffee tonight?

Do you have any alcohol?

I did wonder why he was asking that, you know, why I had alcohol.

I actually thought, that's quite strange that he's asking that.

He was quite Western, and, you know, the first time I met him, he did go to

parties as well, and he did drink.

I didn't really suspect that there was anything sinister about it.

I said that I would meet him in an hour at the place that I had first met him

for coffee.

OK, I'll see you later.

I've got no idea why I made that decision.

I suppose in my mind I was thinking that probably we could end up in bed

together.

I knew him. I had met him before.

So I didn't feel that I was going into a situation that was dangerous or that I

felt was unsafe.

How wrong could I be?

I walked down the side street because I wanted to take a shortcut to the coffee

shop where I'd met him before.

And I was looking forward to catching up with him.

Turned the corner and all of a sudden...

I just thought, God, what's happening?

There were some men running towards me.

Everything went through my mind.

Am I going to be robbed?

Am I going to be raped?

One of them kicked me in the back.

I got up, punched one of them.

One of them punched me in the back of the head, and I died.

Then Dr.

Strangelman, he was a full -on... He kept on putting pressure on me.

He was going to kill me. He was going to strangle me.

And I was starting to lose consciousness.

And then one of them told him to stop.

And he let go of me.

They were all around me in my pockets, taking my phone out and my wallet.

One of them said that I was a homosexual.

They shouted, you're a prostitute.

You have been selling alcohol, you've been selling drugs.

I was very dazed and confused and I just thought, why are they doing this? Why

are they saying this to me?

He then brought out the phone and he showed me the text messages that I'd

to Abdullah.

At the end of the text message there was a kiss.

I was in shock.

I think I'd been set up. Was it Abdullah that'd done it? Why have they got his

phone? I realised that I was in serious trouble.

And then they dragged me along the road.

And I seen their emblem on the jeep, which stated that it

was the religious police.

I realized that my worst fears had come true.

I was being arrested for being homosexual.

I was going to be put in jail, or could face execution.

I was terrified.

I was led into the police station.

The police officer told me to go in and everybody just turned and stared at me.

I'm the only Westerner in there.

I just couldn't believe that I was in this situation.

Two of the prisoners spoke English, and they asked me where I was from.

Why are you here?

I don't know.

I didn't tell them that I had been arrested for being a homosexual because

thought that's going to make things worse.

In the early morning time, I was taken out of the cell.

A policeman took me to this office up the corridor.

There was a Saudi man sitting behind the desk and he looked up at me

and pointed to the chair and I sat down.

He started to interrogate me.

He turned around and said to me,

I just thought, you know, I'm not going to admit to it because this is serious

now.

He said, we think that you're telling lies and that you are a liar. You are a

homosexual.

The guy who was sitting key finished writing.

It was all in Arabic.

They asked me to sign it.

And I said, I'm not going to sign it. You could be writing anything.

So I'm not going to sign it.

And then they started to get quite rough.

You will sign it.

I just thought, you know, I just need to do what they're telling me to do or

else I'm just going to make it work for myself.

So I signed it.

It wasn't even a signature, it was my thumbprint.

When I was being led away, I just was thinking, I've just signed something

that...

Could have said that, yes, I am a homosexual, yes, I've been selling

I'm a prostitute.

I had no idea what they'd written.

Yeah, I did start to cry because I just thought, you know, that's it, I've

signed my life away.

I was thinking of my kids, I thought I would never see them again.

What was going to happen to me, what if I was executed?

It was just unbelievable fear.

After about three hours, my name was called.

And there was a Saudi man there. He was a policeman.

He said, you're going to be released.

So I said, what?

They're going to release me? I just couldn't believe it.

He said in broken English that you can just go home.

I couldn't believe it that I was being released.

I was glad. It's great. I mean, because I went from thinking this is it, you

know, my life is over. I'm going to be executed to suddenly being released.

I can leave. I can just go home.

I was very wrong. It wasn't over.

I came in, I went straight to my computer and I just deleted everything

thought could incriminate me.

My browsing history, I deleted it. I deleted pictures.

I just deleted everything because I just thought they could come back here.

You know, I just didn't know what case they had against me.

Maybe they'd been watching me when I was with Fred.

I was thinking of every possible scenario that had been quite reckless.

My friends were really worried about me and they feared that I could

possibly be executed or taken back to jail.

One of them, she said to me, you know, I think that we need to get you out.

In Saudi Arabia, you just can't leave the country. You have to surrender our

passports when we went to the hospital.

That could happen around here.

And I said to her, but how do I get out of here? I don't have my passport.

They won't let me leave.

She gave me two options. It was either to smuggle me across the Red Sea into

Egypt or to smuggle me across the border into one of the countries in the United

Arab Emirates.

I was thinking about these escape plans, but I didn't think that they were quite

safe.

I remembered that there was a policy in the hospital that if a relative was

critically ill, that they had to send you home.

So I phoned my sister.

Marie. Hello, it's Dean.

And I got her to fax a letter.

stating that my mum was seriously ill and that I was required to come home.

I really need you to help me now. It was a lie that I was telling, but it was my

only hope of getting out.

So the next day I went straight up to the hospital to see the government

relation officer to request my passport and to request an exit visa.

I handed the letter over to Mr. Abdullah.

I was really nervous, and I'm hoping for the best, and I'm thinking, this will

surely work. This will surely work. You know, it's my mother. She's dying.

Mr. Abdullah didn't like me.

Every time that I spoke to him, he had the look of disdain on his face.

And he just read it. There was no change of expression in his face.

And he said, you're not going home.

What? And I said, but why am I not going home? My mum is seriously ill. I said,

she might die.

I said, then I need to go home to see her. Why won't you let me go?

And he said, I am not letting you go.

He said to me that if I wanted to leave Saudi Arabia, I would need to get a

police check.

How do I get it?

You need to go to the police station.

get a letter stating that you don't have any criminal record here okay i did say

to him if if i get this police check will you let me go home and he said yes

will let you go home i had no other choice but to go and get the police

actually confirm their case against me or if they're not i

was really nervous about going back to a police station because I was terrified

that they were going to arrest me again.

Hello? They asked me my name, where I was working, and then they fingerprinted

me again.

I didn't realize that they were going to take my fingerprints, actually, I

didn't know that.

So when I said, well, why do I have to get my fingerprints taken?

And they said, well, you know, we need to check, see if you have been arrested

before.

You are a criminal or not?

Okay? Okay.

And I was...

I was thinking, well, I have been arrested, so obviously it's going to

that, you know, I have been arrested.

And I just thought, well, this is not going to work.

OK.

And then they told me to come back in 10 days.

10 days?

Yes.

Ten days of sheer hell and weight.

I thought about not going back to the police station to collect it.

If I go back there, they'll probably re -arrest me.

I was very, very paranoid and really bad panic attack.

I was terrified, especially at night.

Checking the windows constantly to make sure they were locked.

Constantly checking the door to make sure it was locked.

I just had this recurring...

Thought that they were gonna bust in through my bone drag me out again and

me back to prison I

was terrified I

just want to go home to my children.

I just want to go back to the UK But I was a prisoner in this

country and I couldn't leave I had no other choice

So, after 10 days, I just decided that I had to find out.

There was a guy, he was sitting at the desk, and there was a bunch of, it

like, files.

And I handed him the receipt.

He's going through the, you know, the piling and the death.

It seemed he was there for ages looking for it.

I was terrified, you know, my heart was beating out of my chest.

You know, I was sweating.

I was so nervous.

I mean, it seemed ages, it probably wasn't for me.

It seemed like a lifetime that he was searching for it.

The man pulled the document out, this letter, and handed it to me.

I looked at it and it was all in Arabic.

I don't understand.

Do I have a criminal record?

And he turned around and he just said,

No criminal record.

No, you don't.

No record?

No. Okay.

I was absolutely delighted. I just couldn't believe it.

Thank you.

Practically danced out of the building. It was great, you know, because I

thought, this is it, I'm going home.

On the day that I was leaving, one of the hospital workers came and picked me

up. He handed me my passport and I just kept on looking at it. I checked it

inside, turned it round and just kept on looking at it.

I was just thinking, I will never come back here ever again.

I just had enough of it. I just wanted to go home to my family, see my kids.

Get out of there.

As soon as I got home, I seen my kids.

And it was great to see them. They run out to me.

Daddy!

It was great to see them again. I didn't think that I would ever see them again.

I honestly didn't think that I would see them.

I said, I'll never go away again for a long, long time.

I just said to him, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm going to be staying right here.

To be free.

you know, with my kids running towards me. It was a fantastic feeling.

My biggest mistake was thinking that I could go to Saudi Arabia and be celibate

because I'm only human. You know, I need that. Everybody needs that human

contact. Everybody needs to be intimate with somebody.