All language subtitles for Suddenly.Amish.S01E03.en

Previously on
"Suddenly Amish..."

[Bishop] I will be inviting
English people

into our community

in hopes of repopulating
the church.

[Judah] I feel like
this is where God

wants me to be.

[Bishop] I've chosen my brother
Allen and his wife Sarah

to help the English.

It is our responsibility
to teach them

what's right and what's wrong.

[Bishop] I've also asked Emma
and James to help.

[James] It is a risky endeavor
for all of us.

There's always the chance
that these English

might destroy the community.

[Bishop] End of the month,
we will have a day of reckoning

on whether they can continue
pursuing membership.

[Billie Jo] I don't think it's
gonna be easy for any of us.

[mooing]

There's so many animals in here!

-[chicken bawking]
-[bleep] -- stop!
No!

Wow, look at that nice Amish
farmer we got here.

I think there's something
going on with Kendra and Matt.

If the opportunity presents
itself, maybe.

You wanted
to join the Amish culture,

but you don't wanna
give up your nails.

We could have a check-in
in like a week.

Seven days to change that?

They're not as accepting as
I thought they were gonna be.

My hearing aids
are controlled by this,

but James took my phone.

-Any of you married?
-Divorced -- [chuckles].

[James speaking]

Yeah.

[James] I'm escorting
you off the property.

He's chasing me
with a [bleep] ax!

[James] Go!

The rest of these English
people will definitely know

that they better don't lie.

James is a psycho.

[reverent music plays]

[somber chanting]

[farm animals vocalizing]

[Matt] I'm not sure why
my divorce is being held

against me so much.

I would like them to forgive it

and just bring me
into the community.

If I wanted people to judge me
all the time,

I didn't need to come
here for it.

If this is the way
it's gonna be, then...

this community's not for me.

I'm outta here.

-Guys.
-What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

-Are you serious?
-[snickers] Yeah.

I feel really connected
to you guys,

and I've had a really great
experience with all of y'all.

[sniffs]

I am struggling
with Matt leaving.

James driving Matt off.

He should not have
the ax in his hand.

[James] I told you to leave.
Go!

That gives Matt
a very nasty picture

of the Amish way of life.

James does have the authority
to chase Matt off his property,

but he cannot kick him out of
the church or the community

without the Bishop
and the church consent.

I was kind of hoping Matt
would stay.

I feel like Matt
is like, genuinely a person

that I would
want in my life forever.

He's just such a genuine person.

I'm just sad because when
you're with him,

pretty much your whole day
and most of your night,

and then you share
a lot of personal stuff,

you get really close.

[Billie Jo] With Matt leaving,
it's -- it sucks for Kendra,

because I thought there was
a little something brewing

with the two of them.

I think that her crushing on him
and him saying goodbye

is kinda, like, mm, well --
[chuckles].

-Kendra?
-Yeah?

That's not gonna happen either.

-Oh, well, I'll miss you.
-Yeah, me too.

[sniffs]

You know, I felt like I had
such a great connection

with someone in such
a short amount of time,

and then it's just like,
"OK, what's happening now?"

I'm so freaking sad.

[Allen] Yeah.

I don't need to know
what caused this divorce.

I just know that he wasn't
fully transparent,

and...I want him gone.

[James speaking]

I came here to protect
and grow the community.

Sarah and Allen are from
a more liberal sect,

I wanted to make sure we're on
the same page with the rules.

If I'm not strict enough,

I might be the one
paying the price.

[Billie Jo] Where did
Kendra go?

Are you OK?

I am really scared right now,
because this is my dream,

and...I don't have
much of a filter,

so I'm so scared that
I'm going to say something.

I mean, if Matt's divorce is
getting him kicked off the farm,

maybe I've done
something in the past

that they don't approve of.

And that's it.
That's over for me.

And that's scary
that I could lose everything.

[Judah] When Matt left
the property,

I'm like, "Oh, these Amish
people don't play around here."

And I'm finding
that out real quick.

They might kick me out,
because I'm bisexual.

I'm kinda scared.
I'm like, "Damn."

I might be going home tomorrow.

So how are you feeling about
the whole,

like, Matt situation?

Like, do you feel super
strongly about divorce?

You know,
if somebody marries me,

they're not gonna be
able to divorce me,

like, ever.

[Esmeralda] It definitely sounds
like there's no prenups here.

So since there's no divorce,
like, that's not allowed,

I guess, like, the only option
to kill my husband

if I want another one.

As far as Matt staying here,

I personally would
have rather save one soul

than lose two, right?
-Yeah.

-[Emma] You know what I mean?
-Yeah.

[sobs]

[Kendra] I'm just feeling
a little overwhelmed,

because I'm so used
to living a certain way

that I'm coming here
and it's completely different,

so it's a lot.
It's, like, hard.

[sniffs]

It's a little dramatic
that Kendra is so...

you know, devastated.

Maybe now she's feeling like,
"Oh, fun's over."

Now I really have
to just focus on

living Amish and not, like,
trying to impress Matt.

[door creaks]

[Allen] So how are you feeling?

[groans]

Kendra's upset.
She just feels totally
disconnected.

It's -- to her, it's just not
making sense right now.

You'll make it.
I believe in you.

Yeah.

[Kendra sniffs]
Well, if you need anything,

Sarah is right behind you.
-[Kendra] Alright.

-[Sarah] Come, Sparks.
-Oh, Sparky, come on.

It's raining.

Come, Sparks.
Oh!

That feels real nice.

[Kendra laughs]

Oh-ah.

As I'm, like, literally at
peak breakdown,

I noticed it starting
to rain outside,

and I felt like that was God
telling me, like, "Release."

Like, I feel like the Holy
Spirit is trying to cleanse me,

because obviously
I feel like I'm, like, wild,

compared to how they live.

[Kendra] Oh, this is nice!

Like, Kendra's
a hot mess train wreck.

[Allen] Kendra is having
a breakdown.

She's delicate in that way.

She really was struggling,
and I'm kinda confused myself

right now --
I'm not sure what I should do

or what I should not do.

[Kendra] Oh!

[rugged music plays]

[Aaron] I've been off because
of the hearing aids thing,

but I don't want to make this
whole thing about hearing aids.

I know I'm here for a reason.

And I have
to embrace the struggle...

every part of it.

I'm a person that tries to be
as disciplined as possible,

and I've learned to use
exercise as a coping mechanism.

If my actions are
not in alignment,

they get put back in alignment.
Simple as that.

Not having my hearing aids,

I'm gonna look at it
as an empowerment,

because you can finally go,

"OK, I accept
that I can't control this."

And you just -- you live.

I wanna be Amish.

And I think I'm strong.

Strong enough to do this.

[crickets chirping]

[wings flapping]

[squeaking]

[Billie Jo] Oh, my God,
what is that sound?

-[Kendra] Hm?
-[squeaking]

Oh, my God!
Yeah!

We have bats.

What the [bleep]?
Oh, my God.

Ugh!

They're like,
chirping, flying rodents.

They're just flying around,
making all types of noises.

[Billie Jo] No.

-Allen.
-[Kendra] Allen.

-[wings flutter]
-[chirping]

[Billie Jo] Allen,
please find the bats.

[Billie Jo] These are
fugly rodents...

flying into my personal space...

and sucking my blood.

[Allen] We had a little issue
in our house,

we discovered some bats.

[Allen] Now we're looking
for any bats hiding out.

I'm kind of thinking that
God might be trying

to teach us something,
but I can't figure out what.

There are times
when God actually

lets bad things happen.

The bats being there...

I think that was more...

a prophecy,

[speaking Pennsylvania Dutch]

[Allen] Maybe God
does not approve

of what we're doing
with the English.

We're gonna have
to leave this house

and...find somewhere else.

-[chuckles] Oh, my God!
-[James] Hello, hello.

-Welcome.
-[Allen] You ready for this?

Yes.

[Allen] James offered to have
us come over to their house

till we get our bat problem
taken care of.

[Esmeralda] All right.

It's gonna be fun,

-She said enthusiastically.
-Yeah.

She said, "So fun."

Yeah, like, they saw one bat.
Like, I think they'll be OK.

They're not gonna die.

No reason to move
your whole house to our house.

Like, for what?

[Judah] I think it's real creepy
that they got bats in the house.

I never had bats.

We had rats, growing up
in the projects.

But bats, that's a whole
different story.

Bats carry diseases.
They suck your blood.

You know, you might turn
into a vampire.

This dresser,
we're gonna move in here.

This -- this bed is not
gonna be here.

[Billie Jo] Oh, OK.

Oh [bleep].

-Are you good?
-Yeah.

So we're having a peaceful,
perfect day,

minding our business on a farm,

when suddenly, holy cow,

there are people
gonna live with us.

It's -- it's a lot.

I wasn't there
with what happened,

uh...yesterday and stuff,

but like, are you feeling
a little bit better at least?

Like, are you...[chuckles] OK?
Are you OK?

You're like, "No."

This is a complete 180.

This is a complete different
way of living.

Everything is different,
and they don't understand

how hard it is for us.

Usually I would call my mom

during tough times in my life,
but there's no phones.

I just wanted to do something
that felt familiar,

and that was call my mom.

[pensive music plays]

-[Esmeralda] Emma?
-[Emma] Hm?

Should I put these back over
here to the kitchen?

Yeah, just put them, yep.

[Esmeralda] So we've been
here for a week,

and we woke up at 4 AM.

We start off by doing about
three hours of chores.

It just feels very monotonous.

There's no excitement
in my day-to-day life.

It's like there's nothing
to look forward to,

because it's always
just the same thing

over and over
and over.

Like, we're cleaning
chairs for three hours.

-[Judah] What is this?
-We got a saw, bricks.

Every single day,
wake up and do chores again.

These Amish people
don't take no breaks.

We're getting ready to
build you

a way to call
your loved ones.

-Hey!
-[Aaron] Uh-oh.

-Not mad about that.
-Let's go!

[James] We are going to be
building a phone shanty today.

Phone shanty is a small
building with a landline phone.

We don't have electricity,

so we're using
a 12-volt battery.

It's positioned quite
a ways from the house.

That way, people spend
less time on the phone.

Phone shanties are used
as little as possible.

It can cause a distraction

from things that actually
matter, like serving the Lord,

helping others.

This is your first time
using hand-saw?

-Let's go.
-[chuckles]

This is my saw virginity.
I'm losing it.

-This is embarrassing, bro.
-Here, here, here.

So you're not putting much
pressure on it.

-You're just gliding it.
-[Judah] Oh, OK, OK.

[James] So, you know,
try to stay

on the line,
if possible.

[Judah] Back home, my family
knows I'm not really a handyman,

because in city life,
that's not how I was raised.

Yeah, let's go!

-James, he's getting it.
-[James] Nice.

[James] I grew up
with tools like this.

It's just interesting to me
that somebody Judah's age

never touched a hand saw before.

-Uh-oh, you're almost there.
-Yeah, almost.

Give that a couple pushes.

-Oh!
-Whoo!

That's my first hacksaw!

I chopped my first wood.

-Yeah, baby!
-Good job.

-Ten more boards to go.
-[laughs]

[whacking]

Yeah.

[Kendra] I feel, like,
I'm kinda spiraling.

Right now, like, literally,
all I wanna do

is talk to my mom.

So I have no other
thought in my brain

other than talking to my mom.

I heard Allen saying
that they were building

a phone shanty.

So immediately
in my mind, I'm like,

"That's how I talk to my mom."

-Hi.
-Well, hello.

[Judah] Yo, what's up?

Um...I'm having
an emotional day.

Sorry.

Um, can I talk
to you a little bit?

Sure.

-Sixteen centers.
-Yeah.

[Kendra exhales] OK, so here's
what's happening.

I vaguely remember Sarah
and Allen saying

that you...have phones here.
[chuckles]

I am struggling
really bad right now.

Um...I, like, I haven't
been able to sleep

just 'cause I have
so much anxiety.

Like, not being able
to talk to my mom,

cause I -- I'm used
to calling her, like, a lot.

[sniffs]

Yeah, it can be tough not
seeing loved ones, definitely.

[Kendra sobbing] Yeah.

-Hum...
-[Kendra sobs]

Like, you know, obviously,
I'm trying to...

go with, like,
the Amish way of living.

I -- I chose this for a reason,
but I'm really struggling.

Like, I've been trying
to stay positive,

but it's, like, every day just
gets, like, worse and worse.

-[James] Mm-hmm.
-[Kendra sobs]

Let's go in here.
I don't want them to hear.

[James] I -- I don't want
Kendra to leave,

but I saw how much
it was affecting her

not being able
to talk to her mom.

Like, I just wanna
hear her voice,

you know, just something.

Right, right.

I -- I see where you're
coming from, definitely.

You love your mom,

and you haven't
been able to talk to her.

[Kendra] Mm-hmm.

So I feel like I've been,
like, very open and,

like, really trying.
-Mm-hmm.

And I wasn't expecting
this, to be honest.

Right.
Didn't see it coming.

[Kendra] Yeah.

You keep saying,
"Family is so important,

family is so important,"
and I'm like, "I'm telling you,

like, I miss my [bleep] mom."

Like, let me call her
for even a minute.

Well, we don't have
a phone here yet.

Um...we are building
a phone shanty.

Not sure yet
when everything will be done,

but I guess once it's done...
-Mm-hmm.

we'll -- we would let you use
the phone shanty.

[Kendra sobs]

You gonna be OK?

No?

[Kendra continues sobbing]

If I see people struggling,
it -- it pains me too.

I definitely have
a soft spot for Kendra.

Yeah, we don't have
phones here, um...

I was put in the ban
for having a phone.

-[Kendra sobs]
-Hey, Kendra, Kendra,

-Kendra.
-I don't wanna do this anymore.

[Kendra speaking]

[James] Kendra!

I don't want you
to run off on us.

So...I've been put in the ban
for having a phone.

-OK.
-I have one here.

I'll let you call
your mom with it.

Thank you.

We don't have the phone
shanty built yet, but...

I still do have the phone
I was shunned for, so...

I decided to let Kendra
use my phone.

[dial pad beeping]

It's kind of a dangerous thing.

I don't really want them
to know I have a phone,

because I am trying
to teach them...

the Amish way --
I'm trying to be strict.

[Kendra] She probably won't
answer because...

-Unknown number.
-unknown number.

Let's see.

We've already lost Matt.
We can't lose Kendra, too.

[Kendra's mom speaking]

[sobs]

[Kendra cries]

[Kendra] I'm sorry.

They said I can't talk
for that long.

I'm not supposed
to be on the phone.

Like, it's a whole different
culture thing,

because if you talk on
the phone, you get shunned.

Like, you get kicked out.

And it's hard
because it's, like,

they talk about how
much family is,

like, how much,
like, family is important.

But I'm like,
"My mom is my family."

But I have to go now,

'cause otherwise
he's gonna get in trouble

and I'm gonna get in trouble.

[sobs] OK, I love you.

Sorry, thank you so much.
[sobs]

You're welcome.

[Kendra] It's nice to see
a different side of James,

because I'm used
to seeing him like, "Argh, no!"

And so the fact
that he is opening up

and allowing me to use
the phone does make

it a little bit easier,

because I feel like
he's working with me

on this slow transition.

-I won't say anything.
-Deal.

OK, thank you so much.

-Bye.
-Bye.

-Don't tell anyone.
-All right, you neither.

[Kendra] Don't shun me.

[James] Things are never
black and white.

Sometimes
there's gray areas, so --

people are struggling
sometimes.

You know, you have to make
exceptions to the rules.

The Amish do like
rumors and gossip.

I mean, there's not much else
going on other than work.

So if anybody would have seen
me give Kendra my phone or

hug her, there would have
been plenty of rumors

in the Amish community.

That wouldn't help me much

with my goal to get back
into the Amish church.

[frantic string music plays]

[Kendra] Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

[Sarah] The girls are still
in their English clothes,

so today we are taking
them to shop

for fabrics to make dresses.

The Bible emphasizes modesty,

so we need to get them dressed
in more modesty clothing.

[Billie Jo] There was
a lot of looks,

long stares and awkwardness,

maybe in the crop top

that Esme's wearing,
or the cleavage --

like, these women, I'm sure
they were thinking, like,

"What are they doing here?"

So, I get hot when it's hot out.

Is there a fabric that's like --

Or cooler?

OK.
I mean, I like a good stretch.

[Emma] So, this is
what we're talking about.

She's a big woman, right?

And it is hot.

We are not used to
not having air conditioning

and all that
conditioning right now.
-[laughing]

So, we need a fabric

that is not gonna be
so sticky and --

Mmk.

Emma and her witty self
may have been trying to,

like, body shame me,
but sorry, girl, it didn't work.

I'm not giving that energy.

[Esmeralda]
I, you know, struggle
with my own insecurities,

and I'm still feeling
a little bit apprehensive.

Like, these are things I would
never put on back home,

so I'm a little scared
as to the transformation

that's about to come.
I'm feeling a lot of pressure

to kinda fit in
and be a part of this.

Having to wear the dress,
I feel like that'll completely

change who I am.

[Sarah] I Have started
to make my own dresses,

probably around
11 or 12 years old,

and I've made all my own
dresses ever since then.

[Billie Jo] Now, what is
the newspaper for, Sarah?

[Sarah] I'm gonna
make a pattern out of it.

[gentle music plays]

[sewing machine hums]

[James]
Aaron and Judah,

both of them are committed
to making things work.

And clothing is a big part
of the Amish identity.

So we have to focus on getting
these English to dress Amish.

We'll try on a shirt,
see if it fits, I guess.

-OK.
-Green shirt, blue pants.

Amish communities have
different ways of dressing?

[James] Yes, definitely.

So we'll be dressing you guys
to Lancaster style,

or ordnung.
-Mm-hmm.

The ordnung
for Lancaster Amish is

button pants
with suspenders,

plain-colored shirt, straw hat,
and plain shoes.

And Judah and Aaron need
to dress this way

to conform to the community.

[Allen] That's the way
I like them.

[Judah] I kinda feel
like a child

needing help putting
my clothes on.

I mean, these pants have like
30 different buttons on them.

The shirt looks too big.

Allen's trying to help me
put everything on.

I've never wore suspenders
a day in my life.

-Can you -- can you help me out?
-[James laughs]

[James] Now I'm gonna shoe you.

This goes to this.

I don't think any other Black
people would dress like this.

I mean, I feel like this
is more, like, '80s,

'70s, or something like that.

-[Emma] Hey.
-Hi.

-[Emma] Sarah.
-Hi, this is Ella,
she's gonna be --

-[Kendra] Hi.
-[Esmeralda] Hi, Ella.

-How are you, girl?
-I'm Billie Joe.

OK.

Ella's from the Lancaster
Amish church.

And she's here to help
the girls with their clothing,

because she knows
the dress code.

Should I go first?

-[all girls] Yeah.
-OK.

We wanna dress
the way that they dress here

out of respect
for them and their culture.

Going in English,
coming out Amish.

It's really about fitting in.
We're a family.

Sarah made this for me,
and I did pick out the fabric.

And I'm excited for all
of us to be twinning.

OK.
What do we think?

[Kendra] Are you OK
in there, BJ?

OK, I'm just getting
the touch ups.

Does this look right?

[Ella] And then eventually,
you're gonna have to learn

how to tie your apron
in the back by yourself.

If it gets dirty,
you can just change it out.

You don't have to change
a complete outfit,

which, you know,
you do laundry.

Each community
has their own thing.

There we go.

Everybody get
their hands in there.

-I like all the attention.
-There you go.

There you go.

I'm so excited to dress
in Lancaster Amish.

I'm going from,
like, faux Amish,

really want to be Amish,
to, like, top-of-the-line Amish.

The Lancaster Amish,
these girls don't play.

-[Kendra] Oh!
-I love it.

Oh, my gosh.

And that color looks
great on you.

[Kendra] Yeah, that color
looks so good on you.

-Thank you.
-Kendra is up next.

-OK.
-[Billie Jo] I'm so excited
for you.

I can't wait,
I can't wait,

I can't wait.
-Oh, my gosh.

That's what I came here for.

Like, I'm so excited.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

[Kendra] This is so bizarre,
because being a dancer,

when we have fittings,
the costume ladies are all,

like, up in my face.

[Emma] Like, I feel like
we're not giving her

enough of privacy.
-[Kendra] Don't look
at my underwears.

[exhales]

Why are we talking
about Amish women's bras?

[Kendra] I'll be honest,
I feel like a huge hypocrite.

All of the women are like,
very pure, very innocent.

I feel tainted
and dirty and like...

I don't know, it just --
it goes back to like,

trying to forgive myself
for the past.

So. like, I feel like...

I'm trying to come
into this calling from God

and, like,
help me grow in my faith.

The second I put that
on my head,

I, like, wanted to cry.

[Esmeralda] Oh, my God.
[chuckles]

-[Billie Jo] Oh!
-[Esmeralda laughs]

[Billie Jo] Honey,
you look so pretty.

[Esmeralda] I love it.

I was waiting for this moment
this whole time.

But we have no mirrors.

I don't know what I look like.

Do I look Amish?

Oh, OK.

-[James] You ready to shave?
-Shave what?

-Do I need to shave?
-You're not married, are you?

Yeah, no.

I gotta shave my mustache?

The goatee got to go
and the mustache.

[Judah] Oh.

Well, shaving
the mustache for men, uh...

it is important.

In the Amish, they have a beard

as a symbol
that they're married,

a God-given symbol.

Obviously, I'm not married.

I shave every day.
I feel strongly about it.

That's part
of the Amish tradition.

[Judah] A lot of men
in my community,

we get razor bumps.

I was never
even taught how to shave.

[Allen] I'm not knocking
your culture.

There are black kids
raised Amish,

and they abide by these rules.

I don't agree
with the principles

as to why they want us to shave.

It doesn't really make sense.
It should be a personal choice.

You're in a time of proving,

and you're not wanting
to conform or fit in.

This is the thing that
you're gonna hang up on?

OK, Judah, are you willing
to get rid of your beard?

Are you willing to conform?

No.

[James] Judah does not want
to conform.

I mean, part of living
the Amish lifestyle

is conforming
to the Amish rules,

and if he's not
wanting to shave,

he's not trying to fit in.

Aaron, are you ready to shave?

[Aaron] Let's do it.

[James] You are willing
to conform.

You are willing to submit.

[horses chortling]

[Emma] Once you have
your dress on,

we'll come help
you with the apron.

[Esmeralda]
OK, so just the dress.

[Ella]
Remember which is the front?

-[Esmeralda] Which one
is the front?
-The seam.

-[Esmeralda] The seam goes
in the front?
-[Amish] Yep.

OK, got it.

[speaking Pennsylvania Dutch]

-Do I -- do I just change here?
-Hang on for a second.

[speaking Pennsylvania Dutch]

Those things don't exist
within the culture,

like, you can't
have those things

and still be a part
of the culture.

So Ellen doesn't want to help
put your clothing on

as long as you still have
the lashes and the nails.

-OK, cool.
-Just because that's not how
the Amish culture does.

[Esmeralda] Yeah, it's fine.

So then she doesn't have
to help me.

It wouldn't look right
to have that on

along with the -- the dress.

I think they are picking on me
a little bit, just because,

um...you know, I am the one
that has, you know, care --

I guess care the most
about my appearance,

and is struggling
the most to let go of it.

It was very upsetting.

[Kendra] What happened?

They said, like,
I can't change unless

I, like, do my
lashes and my nails.

I'm like, "OK, well, then
I won't change."

Like, "That's fine."

I'm like, "I'm not gonna do it,

just because
y'all tell me to do it."

You know, I told them.

And that's totally
fine with me, so --

So it feels like we are
going back on our word.

[Esmeralda] A little bit.
I mean, it's kind of just, like,

this is why I'm not,
like, a religious person,

because I feel like, you know,
it's, like, a lot of judgment

and stuff like that.

I was definitely trying
to escape, you know,

the pressure of social media

and, like, everyone kinda
judging you based on your looks,

and I came here,
and it's kinda, like, I'm...

doing that all over again.

From our perspective,
we stopped wearing makeup.

We stopped wearing everything.

And we were -- we're coming
over here and seeing, like,

it's not really fair

that they're all in their
regular clothes, you know?

Yeah.

[Kendra] I didn't want Esme
to feel cast out,

but, like, you don't
need that --

like, I know, like,
she feels like she needs it,

but, like, to them,
it's a huge deal.

And we came here for a change.

We came here to shift
our perspective,

and I would really hate
for her to miss out on that

just because
of lashes and nails.

The thing is, I can't say

that I'm Amish
are not about compromise,

because we are.
Somebody like you coming in,

we are very compassionate
and try to understand

where you're coming from,
why you feel the way you do,

and why that you want to keep
the things that you wanna keep.

I can tell that she struggles
with self-confidence,

which is understandable.

I mean, she's making
a huge change

from, like,
where she's coming from,

where she's transitioning into.

And I can understand where,
like, some of the things

are hard for her to let go of,

if those are, like, a part
of who she feels like she is.

I'm here to tell you,
you are beautiful.

You're going to look just
as beautiful without the nails,

the makeup.
I mean, look at me.

-Do I look that terrible?
-[Esmeralda laughs]
No, but I feel, like,

you're so confident in...
-[Ella] What about me?

like, who you are --
No, but you guys are,

like, so confident in,
like, who you are.

I want you to be confident
in who you are.

Taking it on full force
and forcing yourself out

of your comfort zone.

When you're here with everybody
that's doing the same,

we're all out
of our comfort zone.

Yeah, for sure.

And this opportunity comes,
like, once in a lifetime, so --

[Ella speaking]

[Billie Jo] I do, too.

[Ella speaking]

Knowing that God loves
you unconditionally

no matter what is,
like, the best thing

that you could ever know.

He created you,

so you're beautiful.
-[Esmeralda laughs]

He loves you as much
as he loves me,

anybody in this room,
really, so --

I wish so badly that I was,
like, one of those girls

that can just go out
and be like,

"Oh, yeah, like,
this is me,

"like, this is who I am,
I don't have to wear make up,

like, I don't care
what anyone thinks,"

but it's just -- just not me.

I feel like Emma and Ella
are being Amish mean girls.

It does piss me off,

because there's
no reason for it.

Like, I'm not gonna tell Emma.
She has an ugly dress.

Lashes and nails kind of make
me a little bit more confident.

Cause I, like,
lack a lot of self-esteem,

so taking all that away
now, it's kind of, like,

I'm back to square one,

where I don't
feel good about myself,

and I don't feel confident,
and I don't feel like enough.

The outsiders changing
into the Amish clothes,

it is a big deal.

It signifies they are willing
to conform into our lifestyle.

Yeah!

[Judah speaking]

And I didn't think I was gonna
change my style of clothing,

but I'm happy that
the Amish don't value vanity.

I could get used to this.

Judah, look
how cute you are!

-[girls] Aw!
-Look at you.

-Yeah.
-You girls are fabulous.

My Amish boys.

-Yeah.
-[Aaron] I feel naked.

[Esmeralda] Oh, my God!
Wow, yeah.

-[indistinct]
-[Aaron] I think that putting
on Amish clothes

every single morning
is gonna build a depth

of camaraderie we're looking for
and what the Amish try to do.

-[Aaron] Like green, let's go!
-Yes, twinning.

-You girls look great,
you really do.
-Thank you.

[Kendra speaking]

Hey.

[Judah speaking]

[Esmeralda] I feel like
they singled me out.

Judah refused to shave,
and they still let him put on

his Amish clothes,
so it's really unfair.

Wait, Esmeralda, why are
you not in a dress?

They just said, like,
"Oh, sorry, since you aren't

"willing to take off your lash
extensions or your nails,

um...we're not gonna allow
you to, like, wear the dress."

So here I am.

If someone joins
an Amish community,

they're expected to follow
the rules and respect them.

That double standard
comes on me and Ella.

It discredits
everything we did.

They let you keep your beard.

That's not fair, and I don't
want you to feel ostracized.

-[Esmeralda] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-After today, I won't wear this.

-Just...
-No, no, you look so good.

Like, I don't want that
to be a thing or anything.

Esmeralda, I have a feeling
you came for the experience

rather than actually
joining the Amish.

I came to learn
and be part of a community,

and it feels like I'm --
this is not --

like, I don't feel like part
of a community,

and that's, like, such
a big thing that you guys push,

and it feels very
mean-girl-like energy,

and, like, you know,
being targeted

feels very un-community-like.

Esmeralda can't be serious
about joining the Amish

if she's ready to leave over
something small like eyelashes.

[Judah] It's wrong to sit up
here and ostracize somebody,

because they decide
they can't take baby steps.

And that's what I don't like.

So if she can't wear her dress,
I'm not gonna wear my clothes.

That's not fair.
We came in together.

I'm not gonna let her
walk out like that.

I get that.
You're entitled to feel that.

But once
everybody else is like,

"Oh, well, if she's not
doing it -- "

-Be -- be yourself.
-I'm not --

I can see the tears in her eyes.

-I'm not letting her --
-Yeah, she's been crying
all day.

If I'm not allowing
her to feel like that

and I'm looking like this, I
will gladly go put my stuff on.

-It's not about
not being myself...
-[Billie Jo] Don't be sad.

-...it's about...
-Why are you crying right now?

Do you feel like
you don't want to do it?

-Then --
-You OK?

[Esmeralda sobs]

[Judah] I don't care
how good I look.

It's just a simple fact
that she's being singled out

because she's not ready
to make a step.

It's not fair.

[Billie Jo] We all have cried.

We've all been upset.

This is part of the journey.

It's not an evil thing.

It's not supposed to be evil.

[James speaking]

-[sobs]
-It's OK, just breathe.

[Judah] There's so much
chaos going on.

Esmeralda's hyperventilating.

And there's so much
turmoil in the group.

I don't know
if we'll ever be able

just to blend and be together.

I'm kinda feeling the opposite.

The opposite of like,
what -- [sobs].

If Esmeralda leaves,
I'm leaving right behind her.

This is pushing me past
my breaking point.

[Judah] Breathe.

[Billie Jo] Next time on
"Suddenly Amish"...

Get a feel for your brake pedal
whenever you have a chance.

[Judah] I can't brake'em.
Harley, brake!

-Pump, pump.
-[Judah] I'm braking!

I haven't been on a date
in a very long time.

-Are you Billie Jo?
-I am.

No.
Oh, wow.

You really do.

I'm losing, like, every,
like, part of me.

[Esmeralda, sobbing]

[James] This life is not
for everyone.

[Allen] Aaron is irritated that
he can't have his hearing aids.

It's an Amish-approved
hearing aid.

They are older
technology, battery-powered.

If you have a low-quality
hearing aid,

it's like mic feedback.

[electrical tone whining]

[Matt] Kendra and I have a bond.

James is ripping it from
my hands.

[flaps lips]

Wait, what?

-Are you kidding me
right now?
-[sobbing]